26 July 2010

Roundup of Late Night Funnies - 26 July 2010

*** Check out the latest jokes and social commentary funnies from the late night comics and cartoonists and funny videos from Kimmel and Colbert.

Funny Videos Featured:

Funny Video: Colbert On The Environment - Run! Animals!

Funny Video: Sarah Palins Geography Song 50 Nifty States

Funny Video: Colbert Cleans Up the Gulf

Funny Video: Colbert On The Environment - Awww, Animals!

Jeff Stahler

From Jay Leno:

A new poll shows that Congress' approval rating is at a record low of 11 percent. The other 89 percent are going to withhold judgment until Congress actually does something.

Democratic Congressman Charlie Rangel was charged with multiple ethics violations. Members of Congress were stunned. They had no idea there was more than one ethic.

Budget problems are so bad in Newark, New Jersey, that the mayor has ordered the government to stop buying toilet paper for public restrooms. They're calling this the worst thing to happen to the state since 'Jersey Shore.'

Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich did not testify at his trial. He wanted to testify, but he sold his seat at the court for $100,000.

Happy birthday to former Sen. Bob Dole. He's 175 years old today.

Have you guys seen this show 'White House Apprentice?' It's a lot like the other 'Apprentice,' but on this one, when the boss fires you, he offers you your job back a day later.

Britney Spears has been giving her support to Mel Gibson throughout the scandal, which is ironic because Mel's latest tape is called, 'Oops, I did it again.'

This week in 1944, a bomb intended for Adolf Hitler exploded but failed to kill him. It was a defective device called the Apple iBomb. It would have worked but Hitler was holding it wrong.

Newspaper circulation has fallen to a new low and they say they are becoming obsolete. To give you an idea of how bad it is, today I saw a guy sleeping on a park bench with an iPad on his face.

The countdown is now under way for what a lot of people are calling, the wedding of the year — on July 31 Chelsea Clinton is getting married. Bill and Hillary are thrilled; they say they don't care who the groom is as long as it's not Levi Johnston.

According to a study by the Brookings institution, Washington D.C. has the highest concentration of smart people in the United States. Lets see; we have a mess in the Gulf, we have a dysfunctional Homeland Security, and we are $13 trillion in debt. Imagine how bad it would be if these people weren't geniuses.

AT&T announced today that they are working on a new app for the iPhone. This one will allow you to make calls.

Dick Cheney is recovering from heart surgery in the hospital. I understand Fox sent flowers, and MSNBC sent a large pepperoni pizza with extra cheese.

All of Mel Gibson's troubles could have been avoided if he'd just made those calls with the iPhone 4. None of them would have gone through.

Bruce Beattie

From Jimmy Fallon:

There's a report that Kate Gosselin and Sarah Palin are taking their families camping together in Alaska. And it must be true, because Sarah Palin hasn't refudiated it yet.

President Obama and his family are going on vacation in the Gulf Coast next month. Of course, the Gulf Coast is a lovely place to sit back and relax — just ask BP.

Starbucks' profits went up 37 percent in the third quarter of this year. They say they owe the increase to their new strategy of opening a Starbucks inside an existing Starbucks.

Bruce Beattie

The big comic book convention, Comic-Con, starts tomorrow in San Diego. This is a week-long convention of comic books, science fiction, video games, and other forms of birth control.

British Prime Minister David Cameron is visiting the U.S. and yesterday he and President Obama gave each other pieces of art. That really wasn't necessary, Britain. You've already given us a huge oil painting.

The Obamas invited Broadway stars to perform at the White House. Unfortunately, things got a little awkward when Barack told one lady how great she was in 'Wicked,' then realized it was just Nancy Pelosi.

Bristol Palin wants Levi Johnston to wear a camouflage vest at their wedding next month. When she heard that, Sarah Palin was like, 'That's fine, I wasn't planning on aiming that high anyway.'

Malia Obama is about to go to summer camp for the first time. And you can tell that Michelle picked out the camp, because whenever they make s'mores, they just melt zucchini in between two Wheat Thins.


From Jimmy Kimmel:

Facebook now has 500 million users. The previous record holder was heroin.

President Obama signed into law a sweeping financial reform. The law started out strong, but got watered down as it went through Congress. Basically, the law now says that Wall Street has to wait an hour after eating to go swimming.

They want to build a mosque near the site of the World Trade Center. If you put a mosque there, there's no way terrorists will blow it up. If I was in charge, I would put a mosque on top of every building in America.

BP's oil cap seems to be working. The cap they're using is childproof, so it'll never come off.

Bruce Beattie

From David Letterman:

The brother of former President George Bush, Jeb Bush, is running for president. Yep, and the campaign slogan is, 'I'm going to finish what my brother started.'

So Jeb Bush is running for president. I don't know about the rest of the country, but thank God, ladies and gentlemen, the comedy recession is over!

Political experts and pundits and people who know the Bushes are saying that Jeb Bush is smarter than his brother. That's damning with faint praise, isn't it? Who the hell isn't smarter than his brother, for God's sake?

Bristol Palin is getting married to Levi Johnston. Sarah Palin is so excited that she can't even make up words to express how thrilled she is.

Sarah Palin was delivering a speech and she said 'refudiate.' It's not a word — you have refute and repudiate, and she combined them. A lot of times that will happen and people will confuse combinations of words. I remember a couple years ago John McCain mistakenly combined the words Vice President and Palin.

The CEO of British Petroleum is leaving his job. It's not official, it just leaked out.

Mayor Michael Bloomberg proposed turning the city's excess dumpsters into swimming pools. Nothing says summer in New York City like packing a picnic lunch and heading to the dumpster.

It's so hot in New York City that conservatives have started the 'Iced Tea Party.'

David Letterman's Top Ten Things Overheard on President Obama's Vacation

10. "Please, Mr. President, don't throw your butts in the pool"

9. "Sorry, sir, your iPhone has no reception"

8. "Crap, is that an oil slick?"

7. "Nothing boosts a sagging approval rating like a vacation!"

6. "Ew, it's Sen. Scott Brown"

5. "Any interest in pardoning Lindsay Lohan?"

4. "Sure is nice to get a break from all that golfing"

3. "There's nothing like a romantic stroll on the beach with your wife and 30-man Secret Service detail"

2. "Do I have to go back?"

1. "A 48-hour vacation? Bush took naps longer than that"

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