26 July 2010

Monday Morning Brain Owners Manual

From Denny: Just to make sure your day goes well and you get your work week started off right, please reference this Monday Morning Brain Owner's Manual.

Don't eat rocks; the earthworms will feel naked.

Don't take naps in the road, especially during rush hour traffic in Los Angeles.

Don't stoke fires with your fingers, well, 'coz it hurts.

Don't throw a brick straight up; soon to be self-explanatory.

Don't breathe the car exhaust; it tastes bad too.

If you ever meet the President, don't offer him the surprise gift of a firearm by whipping it suddenly out of your coat pocket, especially while wearing a Tea Party button.

For all pertinent tasks, use a hammer, not your fist - saves on bandages, very frugal.

Walk around toxic waste dumps, not through them. Your mother will thank you for this and you will live longer.

Don't stargaze with friends on a hilltop in a thunderstorm and use metal fishing rods as pointers. Trust me on this one. Ben Franklin, you ain't.

The stuff on the bottom of your shoe is not for internal consumption. Remember, "you are what you eat," so be careful out there.

If you need to get somewhere, and a freight train heading in the direction you're traveling just happens to be nearby, resist the urge to stand in front of it and grab a hold of it as it passes.

If you want to pound on the radiator to tell the landlord to turn up the heat, don't do it with your head.

Don't fly the finger eagle and flip off the Mafia.

If you're riding a bicycle down a hill, turn your head before you spit.

Wash behind your ears, not behind your eyes.

Light birthday cake candles from back to front.

Don't shave with a lawn mower. It doesn't matter how tough your beard is or how little time you have to shave, stay away from the lawn mower and no one will get hurt.

Just because your body has orifices doesn't mean you should put things into them.
Don't stick screwdrivers into electrical outlets either.

Although they are sold in grocery stores, batteries are not food. Do not break them open and drink what's inside.

The warning "Don't try this at home" really means "Don't try this at all."
Don't bathe in a tub full of snow - unless you live in Russian Siberia. If you are Russian then skip this one because you already know the answer.

Don't iron clothes while wearing them. It's more difficult to get out the wrinkles among other things.

The expression "Life in the fast line" should not inspire you to live in the road.
Don't eat hot coals. Got all that?

Don't escape in to jail. Who the hell runs back into jail??? Was the food that good?

Don't wash floors with cough syrup.

Don't kick porcupines with bare feet.

Don't sled down hills with interstate highways at the bottom. It could ruin the fun.

Sell at most only one of your kidneys. If you decide to sell two you will soon find out why it was such a really bad idea.

Don't lie down in a cattle pen.

Don't test the strength of your skull with a nail gun.

Only squeeze the handle end of a sword.

Don't snap towels at passing cops. They have no sense of locker room humor.

Don't throw an angry cat straight up. This is when a cat really lands on all fours - and your soon to be bleeding head.

Don't lick dry ice. I've never seen anyone survive this stunt.

Before you leap upside down onto a trampoline, make sure it's right side up.

Don't pour salt in your eyes.

Your body has the correct number of holes in it. Don't make any more.

Don't microwave yourself - or the neighborhood cat as I will report you to the humane society. The punishment is to get nuked in a really big microwave for humans who are cruel to animals.

Don't chase a bear into the woods to get a close-up photo. Bears are camera shy - among other things.

Don't swallow toothpaste. Well, you can do this but you will regret it - like totally.

Don't chew Tylenol - unless you add grape jelly on the spoon.

Don't bathe in gasoline. If you must then please go to Wall Street or a Big Bank and proceed to light a match.

Don't sneak up to a stallion and whack it on the rump.

Don't drink water that comes from swimming pools, puddles, bathtubs, dishpans, sewage pipes, radiators, oceans, acid rain and toilet bowls. Have you got all that?

Don't stick body parts into electrical outlets.

Don't listen to music from the Spice Girls.

Don't lick toads, bulls, or jellyfish.

Don't go swimming in a well.

Rake leaves, not people.

Shovels are for digging holes in the ground outside, not the floor of your house.

Contrary to popular opinion, you're not supposed to strip the protective rubber coating off electrical wires before plugging them in to anything.

If you want to chew gum, buy some. Don't use the gum from underneath the seats at schools and movie theaters even though it's free.

Don't kick stone walls very hard without wearing thick-soled shoes or boots.

Even if you need to get downstairs quickly, don't jump out of a window - use the stairs.

When using an acetylene torch, don't feel the flame to see if it's sufficiently hot.
Better yet, stay away from acetylene torches altogether.

Walking barefoot in the sand is good. Walking barefoot on a cactus is bad.

Elvis is dead. Get over it.

Wear clothes. Your neighbors will thank you.

Use a pot holder when removing items from the oven unless you are a chef on Food Network.

If you're on a ball field and someone shouts "Heads up!" don't actually raise your head up. Cover it with your arms and duck.

Don't drink. Don't drive - and definitely don't do them at the same time.

Don't tie yourself to an airplane propeller as you will get dizzy.

Don't brush your teeth with a wire-bristled sanding wheel.

When using a weed whacker, don't hold the end with the wire.

When using a blow gun - something you should always have a very good reason for doing anyway - draw your breath before placing your lips around the barrel.

No matter how tempting it is to be one with Nature, stay on the outside of all fences at the zoo.

Give me all your money. I like this one. You can do it every week or when you get your paycheck - which ever one comes first and most often.

When sticking thumb tacks into bulletin boards, press on the flat end.

Toasters should be used to cook bread, not your hands.

Under no circumstances should you ever reproduce.

OK, you are set for the day! Enjoy! Return next week to review this manual as we will have a pop quiz...

*** For more grins be sure to check out:

Funny Brain Quotes - Cheeky Quote Day - 28 July 2010

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