05 July 2010

Roundup of Late Night Funnies - 5 July 2010

*** This week's late night jokes and 5 funny videos will keep you laughing and in a good mood all week long

Bush photos not photoshopped: the gift that keeps on giving...

From Denny: Most of the late night shows were in reruns this week but there were two hardy souls still out there whipping out acerbic jokes - Letterman and Kimmel. There are five LOL videos from Jon Stewart, Letterman and Colbert to keep you laughing even during a recession.

Funny Video: Jon Stewart Says Republicans Want Clinton Blamed, Not Bush

Funny Video: Colbert Lampoons BPs Positive Spin On Oil Spill

Funny Video: How BP CEO Hayward Can Improve His Image

Funny Video: Kimmel Compares BP To Al Qaeda

Funny Video: Jon Stewart Lampoons The G-20 Summit

From David Letterman:

Sunday is July 4, when America combines our two favorite pastimes: alcohol and explosives.

The fireworks are beautiful to look at, but more importantly, they drown out the gunfire.

You know what is in the theaters right now is another movie in the 'Twilight' saga. Everybody has got 'Twilight' fever. Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska, was in a helicopter, shooting werewolves.

But all across the country, it was iPhone mania. Thousands and thousands of people lined up for the new iPhone. Meanwhile, out in Arizona, John McCain was on line for a pay phone.

Ladies and gentlemen, news from the world of broadcasting. Larry King has announced his retirement. He says he wants to spend more time with his wives.

But, seriously, Larry has really been trying to slow down, of course, since his recent death.

Larry's absence creates a void. As a matter of fact, his presence creates a void.

Here's how savvy the Russian spies are and were — they knew four years ago that Latin singer Ricky Martin was gay.

Drew Sheneman

They're having the confirmation hearings down in Washington, D.C., with Elena Kagan. And so far, the woman has offered very few opinions. I thought to myself, well, my God — how do you find a woman like that?

Here's something great. Russian spy ring here in New York City. They were busted in New York City. Once again, they were spotted by an alert T-shirt vendor." –David Letterman

The Russian spies tried to blend in. They were acting like Americans. As a matter of fact, for two weeks, they were pretending they loved soccer.

You remember Vice President Dick Cheney? He's had like six or seven heart attacks. The poor guy was in the hospital over the weekend. He has been in the hospital so many times the gift shop is now selling Dick Cheney bobble head dolls.

And how about the Gulf of Mexico? Billions and billions of barrels of crude oil just surging into the Gulf of Mexico. It's like we essentially have paved the Gulf of Mexico. Cubans are now walking to Miami.

Now, there's a tropical storm in that area and it may interfere with the clean-up of the Gulf. Too bad, because it was going pretty well.

The big hit on the Internet is the spill cam. It's so popular that they're thinking about adding a band.

And now, in the Gulf region, demonstrators are holding hands on the beach by way of protest. Boy, that will show 'em.

Forbes magazine published their most powerful celebrities list. Number one was Oprah Winfrey. I'm happy to be on the list, a little farther down. I'm between Flo, the Progressive Insurance lady, and the Salahis.

Doesn't your heart break for Sandra Bullock? She and Jesse James officially divorced. You know who she's dating? Gary, the Osama bin Laden hunter.

Gary was over there in Pakistan and had night vision goggles. He had a sword. And he couldn't find Osama bin Laden. That means he's actually tied with Bush and Obama.

Jon Stewart, responding to John McCain's catchy new acronym B.I.O.B. (Blame it on Bush): "H.R.W.A.T.P.T.R.T.C.I.T.G -- He really Was A Terrible President That Ran The Country Into The Ground.

Free Range

Do you know what's going on down in Washington today? The Senate began the Supreme Court confirmation hearings for Elena Kagan. And tomorrow, my favorite part of the whole procedure, the talent competition. And, I want to tell you something — wait until you hear this woman sing 'I Dreamed a Dream.'

Things in Washington are always so political. President Obama said that the opposition to Elena Kagan seems like 'pretty thin gruel.' That's how he describes the opposition. If you want thick gruel, just go down to the Gulf of Mexico.

So hot down in Washington, D.C., today that President Obama was fanning himself with his birth certificate.

Do you know what's going on up there in Toronto? They're having the big G-20 summit, and the protesters were up there. They smashed windows; they overturned cars. They just found out the Lakers won.

It's not the G-20 anymore. It's now the G-19, because Ghana eliminated the United States.

Well here's sad news. Dick Cheney, the former vice president of the United States, was hospitalized over the weekend. This guy has been in the hospital so many times, the cafeteria has named a sandwich after him.

Dick Cheney is O.K. Earlier today, he was up and sneering. So he's fine.

Chuck Asay

From Jimmy Kimmel:

Larry King is leaving 'Larry King Live' this fall and the truth is, no one can really fill his shoes — if he even wears shoes. I've never seen his feet, I don't know.

It's Day 71 of the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. They just did a poll that says only 6 percent of Americans have a favorable view of BP, to which I say, 6 percent of Americans have a favorable view of BP? That's 18 million people. Is it possible that 18 million Americans don't know what the word favorable means?

BP is running with this, I guess. Their company newsletter has an article that says most gulf residents aren't upset with BP because their cleanup crews have boosted the local economy. BP taking credit for boosting the economy in the Gulf is like al Qaeda taking credit for creating jobs in airport security.

The longest-serving member of Congress, Sen. Robert Byrd of West Virginia, died at the age of 92. He may have passed away in 1982, no one is really sure.

July 4 is my favorite holiday. No presents, no church, just a lighter and a trunk full of explosives.

Here's a fireworks safety tip. Don't get drunk and leave bottle rockets on the grill unless you want to see your hot dogs fly, which is fun too.

For the second day, there were no World Cup games. I missed the sound of vuvuzelas so much that I taped a beehive to my head.

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