Funny Videos This Week From Colbert:
Funny Video: Wanna Work in the Fields Like the Immigrants?
Funny Video: Colbert Talks Food For Thought - Canwich Setback
Funny Video: Colberts Automatic Weapons For The People
From Jay Leno:
We have some wonderful news. BP announced it successfully capped the oil leak. The oil leak has stopped. I am so glad they were able to nip this thing in the bud.
Before they capped it, BP had to test the integrity of the well, which I believe is the first time BP and integrity have ever been used in the same sentence.
BBC is reporting that Venezuela may have massive oil reserves, more than even Saudi Arabia. You know what that means? We could have invaded closer to home and saved gas.
But to be fair to President Bush, at the time we invaded Iraq, he thought Venezuela was a planet.
Of course, today, he corrected himself. He now realizes Venezuela is those horns they blow at the World Cup.
People are sweating more than Sarah Palin trying to hire a wedding planner. That's how hot it was today.
Well, this week, Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston revealed exclusively to Us Weekly, my bible, that they are getting married. Sarah Palin allegedly not happy about this, because she feels they barely know each other and they are making a big commitment. You know, kind of like when John McCain picked her for vice president.
The White House announced today that the stimulus package saved three million jobs. But they said there's still more jobs that need to be saved: President Obama's, Joe Biden's, Harry Reid's, Nancy Pelosi's.
Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston announced they are engaged to be married. Can you believe that? Whew! Even that German octopus couldn't have predicted this.
But here's the interesting part. They're not having sex until after they are married, that's what they said. So let me get this straight. They had sex, she had a baby, now they're engaged and celibate. Isn't that backwards? It's like they're sexually dyslexic.
Actually, Bristol said the one thing she missed most about Levi – his Johnston.
President Obama announced the appointment of a new White House budget director, which is pretty surprising. You know the White House has a budget director? What the hell has he been doing?
Cuban leader Fidel Castro made a rare appearance on Cuban television the other night. It's a Cuban show called 'Cuba's Got Talent, but America's Got Food, Water, Shelter, Medicine, Cars.
A lot of people continue to be very upset by the fact that we can't get Osama bin Laden. Osama bin Laden? We can't even get Roman Polanski.
Well, according to a new survey, 49 percent of the people in Iowa want a law like Arizona's to stop illegal immigration. You know what you call Mexicans in Iowa? Lost.
Yankees owner George Steinbrenner passed away. He was a tough guy. Within five minutes in heaven, he fired God and told Jesus to lose the beard.
On the latest Mel Gibson tape, he insults women and uses ethnic slurs and obscenities. I knew Mel was an actor and a director, but apparently he’s also a rapper.
Let me say congratulations to Spain. They won the World Cup yesterday. Spanish people all over the world celebrated in the streets, except of course, in Arizona.
Well, this week, China gave a vote of confidence in the U.S. dollar. Well, you know why? They own them all. Of course they're confident.
Authorities in the former Soviet Republic of Georgia announced that a woman from a remote village turned 130 years old last week, making her the oldest person on the planet. So, once again, John McCain finishes second.
From David Letterman:
You remember Bill Clinton? Bill and Hillary went out and bought a brand-new house in upstate New York. He's still keeping the old place to use as a bachelor pad.
But the new place is beautiful. It's one of those houses that has a name. I believe it's called Rancho Impeacho.
Do you folks remember a guy named Levi Johnston? He's marrying Bristol Palin. They're getting married, that's exciting. He'll be arriving at the church tied to Sarah Palin's pickup.
Bristol, her daughter, made the announcement on an hour-long ESPN special.
Last week Levi made a heartfelt apology to the Palin family. That kind of rings a bell.
This just in. President Obama is looking into trading Mel Gibson to Russia.
Over the years, Mel Gibson has insulted Jews, African-Americans, and Mexicans. Don’t worry, if he hasn’t insulted your ethnicity yet, he’ll get around with it.
George Steinbrenner turned the New York Yankees from a $10 million franchise to a billion-dollar franchise. His secret was the $9 hot dog.
If you know anything about the big spy swap here in New York City, there were 10 spies and they were running around New York City stealing secrets. They arranged a big spy swap. It was very exciting. We sent them 10 spies, and they sent us four spies, plus a Cuban pitcher.
You all know Fidel Castro. Getting to be older. He's 83. He appeared on Cuban television for the first time in four or five years, and he condemned the United States, he condemned nuclear proliferation, he condemned LeBron James. He went nuts.
Well, here's some information about real estate. Rush Limbaugh had an apartment here in New York City. Sold it for $11.5 million. It has a very narrow view.
It overlooks the flaws of the Republican Party.
I thought this was nice. Earlier today, President Obama invited Mel Gibson and his girlfriend to the White House for a beer.
British Petroleum says that they're very happy with the new cap. And I said: 'Well, if they're happy, I'm happy. What do I care?'
How about the big spy thing here in New York. Russia gets 10 of their spies and, I think, a commie to be named later.
Rush Limbaugh had an apartment here in New York City. He sold the apartment for $11.5 million. That is $2.5 million for the apartment and $9 million for what they found in the medicine cabinet.
But it was a huge apartment — 4,000 square feet of space. No, wait a minute, that's Rush.
Craig Ferguson:
Dick Cheney is recovering after minor surgery. Doctors implanted a new device called a 'heart.'
BP is putting a new cap on the leaking oil well. It could capture up to 90 percent of the disgusting filth that's spewing from there. And if it works, they're going to try the same thing on Mel Gibson.
From Jimmy Fallon:
BP just announced that the containment cap is working and no oil is leaking into the Gulf of Mexico. Well, that was easy.
BP says it finally stopped the oil from leaking. And if we've learned anything in the last three months, it's that whatever BP says, BP says.
Rush Limbaugh just sold his penthouse in New York for $11 million. The apartment is amazing. It has a 24-hour doorman and a 24-hour pharmacy.
After complaints about women being forced to wear veils on their face, the French parliament approved a ban on burqas. It is, however, still legal in France to wear the same sour-smelling shirt 20 days in a row.
South Korea has new robots along its border with North Korea that can detect and kill intruders. Meanwhile they're installing robots along the U.S. border that say 'Hola.'
A CBS News poll found that 57 percent of Americans support Arizona's new immigration law, although if you change it from Americans to people living in America, the number drops to 2 percent.
At the British Open, Tiger Woods will be playing with a new putter for the first time in 11 years. I guess his old putter was just plain worn out. If I were him I'd keep that a secret. You don't want to go around announcing you stuck with a putter longer than you stuck with your wife. Right? He should keep his Johnson in his Levis.
The World Cup final on Sunday was watched by 24.3 million people in the U.S. In related news, there are at least 24.3 million immigrants living in the U.S.
Can you believe another Mel Gibson recording came out? They keep getting more insane. Even bin Laden was like, 'Hey, I say a lot of things on my tapes, but this guy is crazy, man. I would never talk to any of my wives like that.'
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