18 October 2010

Roundup of Late Nite Jokes and Videos - 18 Oct 2010

Check out this week's late night jokes, latest cartoons, funniest video clips from Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart.



From Denny: Do these guys get any funnier? Well, our politics of late have gone from sad to funny to bizarre to laugh out loud funny - giving the late night comedians plenty of joke material.

Who knew a witch would run for the Senate? Who knew loud hypocritcal Tea Party wingnuts could get any traction with voters? The mainstream political parties of the Republicans and the Democrats had better get off the corporate milk nipples and start taking care of the people. Get down to really governing instead of worrying about staying in office for your own welfare.





It's clear the voters are turning away from both the Republicans and the Democrats - and toward anyone who is not them. Come on, Democrats, this is how Hitler started his rise to power. Have enough sense to read some history, apply it, and quit pleasing Big Business just to get election donations. You are killing the country - and the economy - right along with the Republicans. Is this White House listening? Better yet, are you actually going to do something constructive about it???


Featured Videos:

Funny Video: The Daily Shows Version of The Expert Correspondent - The correspondents are experts at appearing intelligent without having to do any thinking at all.

Funny Video: The Expert Correspondent on Personal Combat - Check out more from the "Ask A Correspondent" series on The Daily Show, mocking journalists.

Funny Video: The Expert Correspondent on Superheroes - Check out more from the "Ask A Correspondent" series on The Daily Show, mocking journalists.

Funny Video: Stephen Colberts 17 Best ThreatDowns - Colbert warns our Nation of those ThreatDowns luriking in those spooky shadows of our country.

Funny Video: Stewart RIPS Karl Rove, Fox News 4 Selective Foreign Donor Outrage - Check out Jon Stewart as he nails Karl Rove and the Republicans to the wall for their usual hypocrisy and phony outrage - all with news clips.

Funny Video: Jon Stewart Scorches Big Banks 4 Accidental Foreclosures - Check out the scathing remarks Jon Stewart dishes out to the Bozo mindset of the Big Banks and how illegally they bungle the home foreclosure process.



Bill Day




From David Letterman:

I feel bad for the Chilean miners. They were down there in the dark so long. I mean, my God, it's like the Tea Party.

At one point during the debate, Christine O'Donnell said, 'What I think is irrelevant.' I'll keep that in mind come Election Day.

The first debate was at podiums. The next debate will be at satanic altars.

They say the Chilean miners have been rescued from a subterranean hell. Have they not heard of the New York subway?

North Korea is getting a new evil dictator. Kim Jong Il is appointing his dim-witted son, Kim Jong W. Il.

The midterm elections are in a few weeks, and the Democrats are at a huge disadvantage, and I'll tell you why. They don't have a witch running.

People are saying that everything is Obama's fault – he hasn't dug us out of Bush's recession and two wars fast enough. That's the problem.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

The Nobel Prize in the fiction category went to Christine O'Donnell's resume.


David Letterman's "Top Ten Entries On Barack Obama's Enemies List"

10. Smug know-it-all at Apple Genius Bar
9. 'General Hospital's' Patrick for cheating on Robin with Lisa
8. Secretary who answers the phone, 'Yell-o?'
7. 'Late Show' audio technician Tom Herrmann
6. Those Chilean miners . . . You're trapped, we get it
5. Online store that still hasn't delivered his Captain Kirk chair
4. Anyone who doesn't think 'Glee' makes your spirit soar
3. Drugstores that don't carry Topol, the smoker's tooth polish
2. Late night talk show hosts who deliver lame top ten lists at his expense
1. Bastard who lost his birth certificate




Bill Day



From Jay Leno:

Vice President Joe Biden said that the Democrats up for election aren't running on their accomplishments because they're too hard to explain. So basically he's saying either voters are to stupid to understand or the Democrats are too stupid to explain it. You know what's even harder to explain? Why the Democrats are letting Joe Biden talk with the election just a couple weeks away.

Joe Biden said today President Obama has asked him to run again with him in 2010. So I think I speak for all late-night hosts when I say, 'Thank you, Mr. President.

For the first time in history, there are 100,000 home foreclosures in the month of September. 100,000 people were told this fall they were going to lose their house. 100,001 if you count Nancy Pelosi.

You know that anti-gay candidate Carl Paladino running for governor? He had this horrible anti-gay thing the other day. It turns out he owns two buildings that house gay night clubs. So I guess when it comes to making money, Mr. Anti-Gay's attitude is 'Don't ask, don't tell.'

California gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman has released a new TV ad in both Mandarin and Cantonese. This is part of her effort to reach out to the Asian community. That's how California works, where a white woman from back East, trying to replace an Austrian governor, runs an ad in Chinese to explain to people why she hired a Mexican maid.

The Nobel Prize for economics was awarded to three economists. Should we have even given one out this year? If there's one thing we've learned over the past two years, it's that there's no such thing as an expert in economics.

The Obama administration had lifted the six-month ban on deepwater drilling in the Gulf of Mexico, provided that the oil companies follow the new safety regulations. For example, there has to be at least one sober person on the rig at all times.

Rich Iott, the Republican nominee and Tea Party-backed candidate for Congress in Ohio, has admitted that he dressed up in a Nazi uniform for a Nazi reenactment. He said he was just following orders. His campaign slogan: 'In your heart you know he's Reich.'

A Republican candidate for Congress in Ohio, a guy named Richard Iott, photos have surfaced of him dressed in a Nazi uniform. He would go to Nazi reenactments dressed as an SS Stormtrooper. He said he only dressed as a Nazi as a bonding ritual with his son. Really? Any other kids do that with their dads? 'I don't want to fish, I don't want to play catch, Let's dress up as Nazis!'

Jerry Brown's staff spent the weekend coming up with their new campaign slogan: 'Just say ho.'

Gubernatorial candidate Jerry Brown's campaign is in trouble for allegedly calling her opponents Meg Whitman a 'whore.' And of course, now real whores are upset with Brown because they don't want to be mixed up in politics. There are some things they won't do.

Christine O'Donnell's new ad says she didn't go to Yale, like her opponent. I don't think she really needs to tell us that.

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie canceled a tunnel they were digging from New Jersey into New York. Apparently, New Yorkers found out about it.

It's being reported that the economy lost 95,000 jobs in September. And that's just people leaving the White House.

The White House is becoming like 'Dancing With the Stars.' Every week, someone is voted off.




Bruce Beattie



From Craig Ferguson:

Did you watch the debate with Christine O'Donnell, you know, the anti-self pleasuring, witchy candidate in Delaware? She wasn't that good though. She's not really a master debater.'

Christine O'Donnell is trailing in the polls by 20 percent. She'll need a miracle to win. Or a very good spell.

The debate was moderated by Wolf Blitzer. It got very intense. At one point, O'Donnell turned him into an actual wolf.

A man was arrested for streaking at President Obama's rally in Philadelphia. Thankfully, the police were able to restrain and clothe Joe Biden.

Someone actually threw a book at the president. When Obama saw something fly by, he said, 'Christine O'Donnell on a broom!'



Lisa Benson



From Jimmy Fallon:

Joe Biden told the New York Times that President Obama has already asked him to be his running mate in 2012. Not only that, he said Sarah Palin, Mitt Romey and the rest of the Republicans also asked him to be Obama's running mate in 2012.

In three weeks Californians will vote on whether to legalize marijuana. Which means that three weeks and one day from now thousands of stoners will say, "Oh crap, that was yesterday?

President Obama met with students in the Oval Office who have started their own businesses. Or, as those students are known on campus, 'weed dealers.'

Google is investing in an offshore wind farm project that could provide electricity to 1.9 million homes on the East Coast. And not to be outdone, Yahoo just bought a brand new ceiling fan.

A Greek billionaire is giving a million dollars to a man that ran naked in front of President Obama in Philadelphia. Obama called the stunt 'highly immature' while Biden called it 'totally worth it.'

New York gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino's pit bull, Duke, bit another dog during a campaign stop this week. People who were there said he was growling, foaming at the mouth, and completely out of control. And so was his pit bull.



Jerry Holbert




From Jimmy Kimmel:

Sarah Palin and Rush Limbaugh are President Obama's 10th cousins. Which means they are secret Muslims.

Carl Paladino criticized his opponent for marching in a gay pride parade. I guess he's planning on decorating the governor's mansion himself.


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