Funny Back to School Quotes and Cartoons - Cheeky Quote Day 18 Aug 2010

From Denny:  Check out loads of fun while you wind down from a hectic summer with the kids.  We love them.  And we love them at school. :)  Get a grin at some great cartoons and funny quotes about parents' favorite time of the year: when the kids go back to school.

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Please be sure to check out the witty and fun gift ideas over at Denny Lyon Gifts (Cafe Press) where I'm raising funds to help out homeless female military vets.  Tell your friends and pass it along!

Hurricane Vampire Survivor Mousepad

I survived the hurricane. Fangers on the bayou? I'll have to get back to you on that... by louisiana artist

Paint Dots Diva Shoulder Bag

Paint Dots Diva lets out your inner artist!

If there were no schools to take the children away from home part of the time, the insane asylums would be filled with mothers. - Edgar W. Howe

Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you. ~ Erma Bombeck
Labor Day is a glorious holiday because your child will be going back to school the next day. It would have been called Independence Day, but that name was already taken. - Bill Dodds

Funny Sexy Black Cat Diva Women's Light Pajamas

Satirical black cat declares to the world her worth. Get an ego boost and a laugh.

You send your child to the schoolmaster, but 'tis the schoolboys who educate him. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools. - Anonymous

I like a teacher who gives you something to take home to think about besides homework. - Lily Tomlin as "Edith Ann"

Halloween Spider Web Clutch Bag

Halloween Spider Web helps you get your Halloween fashion going on.

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. - Anonymous

There are three good reasons to be a teacher - June, July, and August. - Anonymous

What we want is to see the child in pursuit of knowledge, and not knowledge in pursuit of the child. - George Bernard Shaw









A professor is someone who talks in someone else's sleep. - W.H. Auden

A cross-eyed teacher can keep twice the number of children in order than any other, because the pupils do not know who she's looking at. - Four Hundred Laughs: Or, Fun Without Vulgarity, compiled and edited by John R. Kemble, 1902

Anyone who thinks the art of conversation is dead ought to tell a child to go to bed. - Robert Gallagher









I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. ~ Mark Twain

It doesn't make much difference what you study, as long as you don't like it. - Finley Peter Dunne

You can get all A's and still flunk life. - Walker Percy

Alternative Energy Cat Women's Dark Pajamas

Alternative Energy Cat (purple) goes green as she saves on gas by riding her broomstick

Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school. - Albert Einstein

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. - Attributed to both Andy McIntyre and Derek Bok

Education aims to give you a boost up the ladder of knowledge. Too often, it just gives you a cramp on one of its rungs. - Martin H. Fischer









Education would be much more effective if its purpose was to ensure that by the time they leave school every boy and girl should know how much they do not know, and be imbued with a lifelong desire to know it. - William Haley

Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog. - Doug Larson









Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing worth knowing can be taught. - Oscar Wilde, "The Critic as Artist," 1890

Did you know America ranks the lowest in education but the highest in drug use? It's nice to be number one, but we can fix that. All we need to do is start the war on education. If it's anywhere near as successful as our war on drugs, in no time we'll all be hooked on phonics. - Leighann Lord

Halloween Coffee Cats Laptop Skins

Funny fighting black cats: Quit hissing - COFFEE's brewing!

When a subject becomes totally obsolete we make it a required course. - Peter Drucker

I think everyone should go to college and get a degree and then spend six months as a bartender and six months as a cabdriver. Then they would really be educated. - Al McGuire

Education is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know. - Daniel J. Boorstin, Democracy and Its Discontents









The founding fathers... provided jails called schools, equipped with tortures called education. School is where you go between when your parents can't take you and industry can't take you. - John Updike, The Centaur, 1963

You learn something every day if you pay attention. - Ray LeBlond

I am always ready to learn although I do not always like being taught. - Winston Churchill

Philosopher Wise Owl Organic Men's Fitted Tee dark

Philosopher Wise Owl says: Create your niche, forget about what the other guy gets, be happy!

Every act of conscious learning requires the willingness to suffer an injury to one's self-esteem. That is why young children, before they are aware of their own self-importance, learn so easily. - Thomas Szasz

The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write, but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn. - Alvin Toffler

Astronomy Rocks! Men's Performance Dry Tee

Astronomy Rocks! Stellar Cat shows off your love of astronomy with a little tongue in cheek. Fun for Halloween too.

If a doctor, lawyer, or dentist had 40 people in his office at one time, all of whom had different needs, and some of whom didn't want to be there and were causing trouble, and the doctor, lawyer, or dentist, without assistance, had to treat them all with professional excellence for nine months, then he might have some conception of the classroom teacher's job. - Donald D. Quinn

Chocolate Sings Women's Dark Pajamas

Money talks but chocolate sings!

* * * For more laughs check out this post:

Roundup of Late Night Funnies - 16 Aug 2010 - Check out this week's funny late night jokes and latest cartoons lampooning politics to American culture, with a funny side dish of funny video clips thrown in to keep you grinning.

* * * Dennys Funny Quotes is another funny blog devoted to laughter, funny videos and more.

* * * The Social Poets contains tons of funny posts with the late nite jokes roundups.

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Funny Brain Quotes - Cheeky Quote Day - 28 July 2010

*** Enjoy some funny brain quotes, funny jokes about brain power, funny brain photos and interesting real facts about our amazing brains!




From Denny: I had a lot of fun putting together this post. The things you learn while writing... :)


Quotes


The human brain starts working the moment you are born and never stops until you stand up to speak in public. — George Jessel

I believe in an open mind, but not so open that your brains fall out. — Arthur Hays Sulzberger

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. — Robin Williams

Knowledge fills a large brain; it merely inflates a small one. - Sydney Harris

God gave women intuition and femininity. Used properly, the combination easily jumbles the brain of any man I've ever met. — Farrah Fawcett

If little else, the brain is an educational toy. - Tom Robbins

Books: the children of the brain. - Jonathan Swift




Sculpture outside a psychiatrist's office - psych joke?


I am a Bear of Very Little Brain, and long words bother me. — Pooh (A. A. Milne), from Winnie-the-Pooh

The way I see it... If you need both of your hands for whatever it is you're doing, then your brain should probably be in on it too. — Ellen DeGeneres, on cell phones and driving

Brain: An apparatus with which we think we think. — Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

Aristotle was famous for knowing everything. He taught that the brain exists merely to cool the blood and is not involved in the process of thinking. This is true only of certain persons. — Will Cuppy





Estimated amount of glucose used by an adult human brain each day, expressed in M&Ms: 250 — Harper's Index

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this. — Emo Phillips

I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it. — Groucho Marx

Homer Simpson: "How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home wine making course, and I forgot how to drive? - From The Simpsons

From The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show

Bullwinkle: "You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the outfit."

General: "What does that make you?"

Bullwinkle: "What else? An executive..."

Arthur Weasley: "Never trust anything that can think for itself if you can't see where it keeps its brain. - From Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets

Cliff Clavin: "Interesting little article here. It says that the average human being only uses 17% of his brain. Boy, you realize what that means? We don't use a full, uh... 64%. - From Cheers

Roz Doyle: "And as for my hangover, it was worth it. I partied my ass off like a brain-damaged test monkey! - From Frasier

Michael Scott: This website is the brainchild of my brainchild, Ryan. It is my brain-grandchild. - From The Office

The Ultimate Brain Teaser: If one in every four Americans has some form of mental illness, then think of your three best friends. If they're okay, than its you. - Anonymous






Some Brain Facts

It is not possible to tickle yourself. The cerebellum, a part of the brain, warns the rest of the brain that you are about to tickle yourself. Since your brain knows this, it ignores the resulting sensation.

The human brain has about 100,000,000,000 (100 billion) neurons. That's about 166 times the number of people on the planet.
Number of neurons in octopus brain = 300 million
Number of neurons in honey bee brain = 950,000

From all the oxygen that a human breathes, twenty percent goes to the brain.

Your brain uses approximately 20% of the total oxygen pumping around your body and about 750 ml of blood pumps through your brain every minute.

Unconsciousness will occur after 8-10 seconds after loss of blood supply to the brain.

Your brain consists of 60 percent white matter and 40 percent gray matter.

People who ride on roller coasters have a higher chance of having a blood clot in the brain.

Your brain is 75 percent water.

Your brain is move active and thinks more at night than during the day.

Information travels at different speeds within different types of neurons. Transmission can be as slow as 0.5 meters/sec or as fast as 120 meters/sec. Traveling at 120 meters/sec is the same as going 268 miles/hour.

The weight of an average human brain is about 1300-1400g - @ 3lbs i.e., almost one bag of sugar and about the size of a cantaloupe and wrinkled like a walnut.

The brain feels like a ripe avocado and looks pink because of the blood flowing through it.

Think positive because when you do, you’ll keep the doctor away: Studies show that 50-70% of visits to the doctor for physical ailments can be traced to psychological reasons.

Eat well, and it’ll have positive effects on your brain, because a study of one million New York students showed that those who ate lunches without additives such as artificial flavours, preservatives and dyes performed 14% better in IQ tests.
That being said, your brain is the most fatty organ in your body.

Your brain generates 25 watts of power while you're awake - enough to illuminate a light bulb.

A newborn baby's brain grows almost 3 times in course of first year.

Humans have the most complex brain of any animal on earth.

Your brain is divided into two sides. The left side of your brain controls the right side of your body; and, the right side of your brain controls the left side of your body.

Toxins in commonplace items such as carpeting and shower curtains may be contributing to memory loss over time?

Overexposure to aluminum compounds—in foil, cookware, deodorants, antacids, toothpaste—can affect brain function.

Lavender can help you sleep.

A cooked potato can jump-start your brain when you're feeling foggy.

The essential oil of jasmine can quickly restore mental alertness.

Eating foods rich in vitamin E, beta-carotene, and vitamin C may help lower your risk of Alzheimer's disease.

Certain prescription and nonprescription drugs may dramatically affect your ability to concentrate.

The number of internal thought pathways that your brain is capable of producing is: one followed by 10.5 million kilometers of standard typewritten zero's.

Your skin weighs twice as much as your brain.

Your cerebral cortex is about as thick as a tongue depressor. It grows thicker as you learn and use it.

The world record for time without sleep is 264 hours (11 days) by Randy Gardner in 1965







Funny Brain Jokes


"He who laughs last, thinks slowest."

An old couple was watching TV one evening, and the husband got up to go to the kitchen. His wife told him to get her some iced tea, and knowing that the years had taken their toll on his memory, she told him to write it down.

"I can remember iced tea," he protested.

"But I want sugar in my tea too," she told him, "so write it down."

He told her he could remember iced tea with sugar.

"I want a slice of lemon too." she said, "Just write it down."

He left the room grumbling to himself. A few minutes later he came back with a plate full of mashed potatoes for her.

"Now look what you've done!" she yelled at him, "You forgot my gravy!"




Three Old Men

Three old men were sitting on a park bench comparing notes on the problems of growing old. The first said he couldn't remember the last time he had a good bowel movement. The second one said his problem was more with his bladder and prostate. The third old man laughed and said he must be the lucky one.

"Every morning at seven I pee, and then at eight I have a good dump," he told them. "I just wish I could wake up before nine."




Brain Teaser One-Liners


- On the other hand, you have different fingers.

- He was lost in thought because it was unfamiliar territory.

- Nothing is really foolproof for a sufficiently talented fool.

- The latest poll finds that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

- "Nobody goes where the crowds are any more. It's too crowded." - Yogi Berra

- "Why is it when we talk to God we're praying, but when God talks to us, we're schizophrenic?" - Lily Tomlin

- "I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve it by not dying." - Woody Allen

- He started out with nothing, and he still has most of it.

- It was decided that his sole purpose in life was to serve as a bad example.

- If at first you don't succeed, skydiving may not be for you.

- If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

- Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no?

- Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

- The philosopher was laying in bed one night, looking up at the moon, and he thought to himself, "Where the heck is my ceiling?"

- He doesn't suffer from stress - he's a carrier.

- And if I was getting smart with you, how would you know?

- How can there be self-help "groups"?

- Is there another word for 'synonym'?


*** For more grins be sure to check out this post:

Monday Morning Brain Owners Manual


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Funny Video: Sarah Palins Geography Song 50 Nifty States

*** Check out comedian Jimmy Kimmel's comments on how Sarah Palin needs a geography lesson.




Too hot in Las Vegas for a Tea Party convention



From Denny: Kimmel has a field day with the usual Palin gaffes that her supporters seem to find so endearing while the rest of us find them confusing. Glad someone knows the code as to what she is really saying.

Kimmel says Palin just plain ignores the dictionary so he decided to mock her for repeated geography gaffes. She didn't even know that Hawaii is America's largest island. Wonder if she knows it's a state...?

So, Kimmel says he envisions Palin - with her mastery of maps - getting together with the crew from "Schoolhouse Rock" for a geography sing along.






*** Return to main post for more funny links: Roundup of Late Night Funnies - 26 July 2010


*** THANKS for visiting, feel welcome to drop a comment or opinion, enjoy bookmarking this post on your favorite social site, a big shout out to awesome current subscribers – and if you are new to this blog, please subscribe in a reader or by email updates!



*** Come by for a visit and check out my other blogs:
The Social Poets - news, politics
The Soul Calendar - science, astronomy, psychology
Visual Insights - photos, art, music
Beautiful Illustrated Quotations - spiritual quotes, philosophy
Poems From A Spiritual Heart - poetry
The Healing Waters - health news
Dennys People Watching - people in the news
Dennys Food and Recipes
Dennys Funny Quotes - humor

Roundup of Late Night Funnies - 20 July 2010

*** Check out the late night comedians and their jokes, hilarious videos from Colbert, as well as the latest released political cartoon updates.





Funny Videos This Week From Colbert:


Funny Video: Wanna Work in the Fields Like the Immigrants?

Funny Video: Colbert Talks Food For Thought - Canwich Setback

Funny Video: Colberts Automatic Weapons For The People









From Jay Leno:


We have some wonderful news. BP announced it successfully capped the oil leak. The oil leak has stopped. I am so glad they were able to nip this thing in the bud.

Before they capped it, BP had to test the integrity of the well, which I believe is the first time BP and integrity have ever been used in the same sentence.

BBC is reporting that Venezuela may have massive oil reserves, more than even Saudi Arabia. You know what that means? We could have invaded closer to home and saved gas.

But to be fair to President Bush, at the time we invaded Iraq, he thought Venezuela was a planet.

Of course, today, he corrected himself. He now realizes Venezuela is those horns they blow at the World Cup.







People are sweating more than Sarah Palin trying to hire a wedding planner. That's how hot it was today.

Well, this week, Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston revealed exclusively to Us Weekly, my bible, that they are getting married. Sarah Palin allegedly not happy about this, because she feels they barely know each other and they are making a big commitment. You know, kind of like when John McCain picked her for vice president.







The White House announced today that the stimulus package saved three million jobs. But they said there's still more jobs that need to be saved: President Obama's, Joe Biden's, Harry Reid's, Nancy Pelosi's.

Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston announced they are engaged to be married. Can you believe that? Whew! Even that German octopus couldn't have predicted this.

But here's the interesting part. They're not having sex until after they are married, that's what they said. So let me get this straight. They had sex, she had a baby, now they're engaged and celibate. Isn't that backwards? It's like they're sexually dyslexic.

Actually, Bristol said the one thing she missed most about Levi – his Johnston.







President Obama announced the appointment of a new White House budget director, which is pretty surprising. You know the White House has a budget director? What the hell has he been doing?

Cuban leader Fidel Castro made a rare appearance on Cuban television the other night. It's a Cuban show called 'Cuba's Got Talent, but America's Got Food, Water, Shelter, Medicine, Cars.

A lot of people continue to be very upset by the fact that we can't get Osama bin Laden. Osama bin Laden? We can't even get Roman Polanski.

Well, according to a new survey, 49 percent of the people in Iowa want a law like Arizona's to stop illegal immigration. You know what you call Mexicans in Iowa? Lost.

Yankees owner George Steinbrenner passed away. He was a tough guy. Within five minutes in heaven, he fired God and told Jesus to lose the beard.

On the latest Mel Gibson tape, he insults women and uses ethnic slurs and obscenities. I knew Mel was an actor and a director, but apparently he’s also a rapper.

Let me say congratulations to Spain. They won the World Cup yesterday. Spanish people all over the world celebrated in the streets, except of course, in Arizona.

Well, this week, China gave a vote of confidence in the U.S. dollar. Well, you know why? They own them all. Of course they're confident.

Authorities in the former Soviet Republic of Georgia announced that a woman from a remote village turned 130 years old last week, making her the oldest person on the planet. So, once again, John McCain finishes second.







From David Letterman:


You remember Bill Clinton? Bill and Hillary went out and bought a brand-new house in upstate New York. He's still keeping the old place to use as a bachelor pad.

But the new place is beautiful. It's one of those houses that has a name. I believe it's called Rancho Impeacho.







Do you folks remember a guy named Levi Johnston? He's marrying Bristol Palin. They're getting married, that's exciting. He'll be arriving at the church tied to Sarah Palin's pickup.

Bristol, her daughter, made the announcement on an hour-long ESPN special.

Last week Levi made a heartfelt apology to the Palin family. That kind of rings a bell.





This just in. President Obama is looking into trading Mel Gibson to Russia.

Over the years, Mel Gibson has insulted Jews, African-Americans, and Mexicans. Don’t worry, if he hasn’t insulted your ethnicity yet, he’ll get around with it.

George Steinbrenner turned the New York Yankees from a $10 million franchise to a billion-dollar franchise. His secret was the $9 hot dog.







If you know anything about the big spy swap here in New York City, there were 10 spies and they were running around New York City stealing secrets. They arranged a big spy swap. It was very exciting. We sent them 10 spies, and they sent us four spies, plus a Cuban pitcher.

You all know Fidel Castro. Getting to be older. He's 83. He appeared on Cuban television for the first time in four or five years, and he condemned the United States, he condemned nuclear proliferation, he condemned LeBron James. He went nuts.

Well, here's some information about real estate. Rush Limbaugh had an apartment here in New York City. Sold it for $11.5 million. It has a very narrow view.

It overlooks the flaws of the Republican Party.

I thought this was nice. Earlier today, President Obama invited Mel Gibson and his girlfriend to the White House for a beer.







British Petroleum says that they're very happy with the new cap. And I said: 'Well, if they're happy, I'm happy. What do I care?'

How about the big spy thing here in New York. Russia gets 10 of their spies and, I think, a commie to be named later.

Rush Limbaugh had an apartment here in New York City. He sold the apartment for $11.5 million. That is $2.5 million for the apartment and $9 million for what they found in the medicine cabinet.

But it was a huge apartment — 4,000 square feet of space. No, wait a minute, that's Rush.







Craig Ferguson:


Dick Cheney is recovering after minor surgery. Doctors implanted a new device called a 'heart.'

BP is putting a new cap on the leaking oil well. It could capture up to 90 percent of the disgusting filth that's spewing from there. And if it works, they're going to try the same thing on Mel Gibson.








From Jimmy Fallon:


BP just announced that the containment cap is working and no oil is leaking into the Gulf of Mexico. Well, that was easy.

BP says it finally stopped the oil from leaking. And if we've learned anything in the last three months, it's that whatever BP says, BP says.

Rush Limbaugh just sold his penthouse in New York for $11 million. The apartment is amazing. It has a 24-hour doorman and a 24-hour pharmacy.

After complaints about women being forced to wear veils on their face, the French parliament approved a ban on burqas. It is, however, still legal in France to wear the same sour-smelling shirt 20 days in a row.

South Korea has new robots along its border with North Korea that can detect and kill intruders. Meanwhile they're installing robots along the U.S. border that say 'Hola.'

A CBS News poll found that 57 percent of Americans support Arizona's new immigration law, although if you change it from Americans to people living in America, the number drops to 2 percent.

At the British Open, Tiger Woods will be playing with a new putter for the first time in 11 years. I guess his old putter was just plain worn out. If I were him I'd keep that a secret. You don't want to go around announcing you stuck with a putter longer than you stuck with your wife. Right? He should keep his Johnson in his Levis.

The World Cup final on Sunday was watched by 24.3 million people in the U.S. In related news, there are at least 24.3 million immigrants living in the U.S.







Can you believe another Mel Gibson recording came out? They keep getting more insane. Even bin Laden was like, 'Hey, I say a lot of things on my tapes, but this guy is crazy, man. I would never talk to any of my wives like that.'




*** THANKS for visiting, feel welcome to drop a comment or opinion, enjoy bookmarking this post on your favorite social site, a big shout out to awesome current subscribers – and if you are new to this blog, please subscribe in a reader or by email updates!

*** Come by for a visit and check out my other blogs:

The Social Poets
The Social Poets Fav Bloggers
The Soul Calendar
Visual Insights
Beautiful Illustrated Quotations
Poems From A Spiritual Heart
The Healing Waters
Dennys Food and Recipes
Dennys Funny Quotes