Roundup of Late Night Funnies - 5 July 2010

*** This week's late night jokes and 5 funny videos will keep you laughing and in a good mood all week long




Bush photos not photoshopped: the gift that keeps on giving...


From Denny: Most of the late night shows were in reruns this week but there were two hardy souls still out there whipping out acerbic jokes - Letterman and Kimmel. There are five LOL videos from Jon Stewart, Letterman and Colbert to keep you laughing even during a recession.


Funny Video: Jon Stewart Says Republicans Want Clinton Blamed, Not Bush

Funny Video: Colbert Lampoons BPs Positive Spin On Oil Spill

Funny Video: How BP CEO Hayward Can Improve His Image

Funny Video: Kimmel Compares BP To Al Qaeda

Funny Video: Jon Stewart Lampoons The G-20 Summit



From David Letterman:


Sunday is July 4, when America combines our two favorite pastimes: alcohol and explosives.

The fireworks are beautiful to look at, but more importantly, they drown out the gunfire.

You know what is in the theaters right now is another movie in the 'Twilight' saga. Everybody has got 'Twilight' fever. Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska, was in a helicopter, shooting werewolves.

But all across the country, it was iPhone mania. Thousands and thousands of people lined up for the new iPhone. Meanwhile, out in Arizona, John McCain was on line for a pay phone.

Ladies and gentlemen, news from the world of broadcasting. Larry King has announced his retirement. He says he wants to spend more time with his wives.

But, seriously, Larry has really been trying to slow down, of course, since his recent death.

Larry's absence creates a void. As a matter of fact, his presence creates a void.

Here's how savvy the Russian spies are and were — they knew four years ago that Latin singer Ricky Martin was gay.










They're having the confirmation hearings down in Washington, D.C., with Elena Kagan. And so far, the woman has offered very few opinions. I thought to myself, well, my God — how do you find a woman like that?

Here's something great. Russian spy ring here in New York City. They were busted in New York City. Once again, they were spotted by an alert T-shirt vendor." –David Letterman

The Russian spies tried to blend in. They were acting like Americans. As a matter of fact, for two weeks, they were pretending they loved soccer.

You remember Vice President Dick Cheney? He's had like six or seven heart attacks. The poor guy was in the hospital over the weekend. He has been in the hospital so many times the gift shop is now selling Dick Cheney bobble head dolls.

And how about the Gulf of Mexico? Billions and billions of barrels of crude oil just surging into the Gulf of Mexico. It's like we essentially have paved the Gulf of Mexico. Cubans are now walking to Miami.

Now, there's a tropical storm in that area and it may interfere with the clean-up of the Gulf. Too bad, because it was going pretty well.

The big hit on the Internet is the spill cam. It's so popular that they're thinking about adding a band.

And now, in the Gulf region, demonstrators are holding hands on the beach by way of protest. Boy, that will show 'em.

Forbes magazine published their most powerful celebrities list. Number one was Oprah Winfrey. I'm happy to be on the list, a little farther down. I'm between Flo, the Progressive Insurance lady, and the Salahis.

Doesn't your heart break for Sandra Bullock? She and Jesse James officially divorced. You know who she's dating? Gary, the Osama bin Laden hunter.

Gary was over there in Pakistan and had night vision goggles. He had a sword. And he couldn't find Osama bin Laden. That means he's actually tied with Bush and Obama.

Jon Stewart, responding to John McCain's catchy new acronym B.I.O.B. (Blame it on Bush): "H.R.W.A.T.P.T.R.T.C.I.T.G -- He really Was A Terrible President That Ran The Country Into The Ground.









Do you know what's going on down in Washington today? The Senate began the Supreme Court confirmation hearings for Elena Kagan. And tomorrow, my favorite part of the whole procedure, the talent competition. And, I want to tell you something — wait until you hear this woman sing 'I Dreamed a Dream.'

Things in Washington are always so political. President Obama said that the opposition to Elena Kagan seems like 'pretty thin gruel.' That's how he describes the opposition. If you want thick gruel, just go down to the Gulf of Mexico.

So hot down in Washington, D.C., today that President Obama was fanning himself with his birth certificate.

Do you know what's going on up there in Toronto? They're having the big G-20 summit, and the protesters were up there. They smashed windows; they overturned cars. They just found out the Lakers won.

It's not the G-20 anymore. It's now the G-19, because Ghana eliminated the United States.

Well here's sad news. Dick Cheney, the former vice president of the United States, was hospitalized over the weekend. This guy has been in the hospital so many times, the cafeteria has named a sandwich after him.

Dick Cheney is O.K. Earlier today, he was up and sneering. So he's fine.









From Jimmy Kimmel:


Larry King is leaving 'Larry King Live' this fall and the truth is, no one can really fill his shoes — if he even wears shoes. I've never seen his feet, I don't know.

It's Day 71 of the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. They just did a poll that says only 6 percent of Americans have a favorable view of BP, to which I say, 6 percent of Americans have a favorable view of BP? That's 18 million people. Is it possible that 18 million Americans don't know what the word favorable means?

BP is running with this, I guess. Their company newsletter has an article that says most gulf residents aren't upset with BP because their cleanup crews have boosted the local economy. BP taking credit for boosting the economy in the Gulf is like al Qaeda taking credit for creating jobs in airport security.

The longest-serving member of Congress, Sen. Robert Byrd of West Virginia, died at the age of 92. He may have passed away in 1982, no one is really sure.

July 4 is my favorite holiday. No presents, no church, just a lighter and a trunk full of explosives.

Here's a fireworks safety tip. Don't get drunk and leave bottle rockets on the grill unless you want to see your hot dogs fly, which is fun too.

For the second day, there were no World Cup games. I missed the sound of vuvuzelas so much that I taped a beehive to my head.



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Roundup of Late Night Funnies - 17 May 2010

*** Chock full of hilarious video clips from Stephen Colbert, Jon Stewart and Betty White on SNL.




From Denny: OK, so when was the last time you saw knitted food? Probably never. We just don't have much experience with the latest needlework enthusiasts and their crazy sense of humor. A knitted banana pretty much says it all when it comes to BP trying to clean up an oil spill - a joke. Maybe we could marshal the global knitting community to provide knitted bananas to soak up the oil and string them all together into a boom? Bet those bananas would do a better job dancing on the high chop seas than those boring booms.

BP was bragging today they are siphoning off up to 1,000 gallons of oil a day into a tanker to be separated and removed. Hmmm... and scientists figure at least 70,000 gallons a day are gushing out of the earth's crust a day - a conservative estimate. BP's next brilliant idea is to shove golf balls and broken tires up into the broken well pipe. Are you getting the vision just like me of exploding golf balls at freezing three mile depths or what? OK, everyone now raise your little hands into the air who agree with me we have something else they should shove up their dear little pipes: a bushel full of knitted bananas...??? :)

Oh, well, so much for Gulf Coast humor as we watch our economy die in slow motion. I guess it will be the Atlantic Coast's turn soon to see what new humor they can develop when the ocean's loop current starts to move that oil out of the Gulf and up the East Coast.

Check out the Democrats cartoon referencing my Dems may be in trouble this November with all the voter anger in America. They just had to squander their majority. They just had to enable Big Business. People are furious. It will be interesting to see how the public reacts at the polls and acts as Big Business continues to play the role of the ugly monster of greed without anyone enforcing the law or consumer protections and rights.

Meanwhile, we all have the comedians to keep us laughing instead of crying as we await the outcome of this unprecedented environmental disaster. Just for you - and I enjoyed watching every one of them - there are a slew of the latest funny videos to enjoy. The comics are still talking about stellar and very funny Betty White from last week when she took the comedy world by storm on SNL - so I included some of her videos for a grin too. All these goodies should tide you over through your work week so sit back, laugh out loud and live well!

See Cartoons by Cartoon by Daryl Cagle - Courtesy of Politicalcartoons.com - Email this Cartoon

From Jay Leno:


At a stop in Buffalo today, a woman walked up to President Obama and said, 'You're a hottie with a smokin' little body.' I'll tell you, Betty White is out of control.

According to the top people in the petroleum industry, the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico will not affect gas prices. They said, 'They were going up anyway.'

According to a recent survey, one in eight people say they will not buy gas from BP anymore. Unless, of course, it's cheaper than the station across the street.

Tar balls have started washing ashore in Louisiana. Meanwhile, the slime balls that started the whole thing are still in Washington.

And the Senate this week voted to toughen the standards for home loans. Under the new standards, lenders would have to verify that the borrowers can repay the loan. Really? Is that considered a tough stance now? You have to pay back the loan? Borrow money from the mob sometime. They break your legs. Those are tough standards, okay?

Officials in the U.S. Treasury are complaining that some Mideast countries like Kuwait are not cooperating and shutting down the flow of money to Al Qaeda. Correct me if I'm wrong. Didn't we liberate Kuwait? Now they don't want to help us. Who do they think they are? France?

The Los Angeles City Council voted to boycott Arizona to protest the new anti-immigration law. The council vote wasn't even close. The council voted, trece to uno.

Sarah Palin coming out with a second book in November, which is pretty impressive. This book was written almost as fast as the first book she didn't write.

Now, according to The Wall Street Journal, a new study says a parent should not be alarmed if their child tells a lie. They say it's a natural part of development and there are three phases — adolescent lying, young adult lying, and of course, oil executive lying. That is the biggest.

BP, Transocean and Halliburton are blaming each other for the Gulf of Mexico oil spill. They are all right.

These people make Goldman Sachs look responsible, don't they?

BP is going to try to stop the leak by pushing garbage into it. Oh, yeah, they haven't screwed up the gulf enough, let's fill it with garbage, too.

Well, the latest plan was to cover the leak with another concrete dome, a smaller one called a top hat. Who came up with this idea, Mr. Moneybags, from the Monopoly game? What's next, the giant thimble?

Well, the Senate today voted to toughen standards for home loans. Under these new standards, lenders would have to verify that borrowers can repay the loan. Let's just hope China doesn't adopt this.

Hey, here's some good news. The price of oil has dropped by $12 a barrel. I mean, why buy it when you can just scoop it out of the water, huh?

Oh, speaking of that. If anybody needs a 100-ton concrete containment dome, there's one on eBay for 75 bucks.

Actually, you know, that stupid idea about using a giant concrete dome and putting it over the leak, well, that didn't work. In fact, experts are calling this the worst use of a concrete dome since they built that stadium for the Detroit Lions.



Funny Video: Colbert Lampoons Kagan Confirmation Hearing

Funny Video: Stewart Skewers Conservatives 4 Obama-Bush Comparisons



Now they're talking about trying to clog the leak up with garbage, like tires and golf balls. You know, where are the OxiClean people? Why don't we bring them down? Why not use the miracle cleaning power of oranges? Where are those people? Let's get the experts in here.

The three companies involved in the oil spill are Transocean, BP and Halliburton. They're all blaming the other guy. I was stunned. Oil company executives passing the buck. It was just shocking.

Congress told BP they can't label this catastrophic failure as an unpredictable and unforeseeable occurrence. See, Congress used that excuse for not catching the financial meltdown, so now they have to come up with their own excuse.

Greece has a huge economic crisis. Tourism's down there. Government spending is up. And Greece hasn't done anything in 2,000 years, really. I mean, other than that little to-go coffee cup in New York, there's not a lot they've made.

Greece is a relatively small country. It would be like a state over here. But it overspends, it over borrows, it promises expensive pension plans, it over-taxes, it over-regulates business. So, the state it would be here would be California.

Not looking good around the world, folks. A top investment analyst says China's economy will slow down and crash within the year. You know, they already have signs of trouble over there, too. Do you know the unemployment rate is a staggering 12 percent among 3-year-olds in China?

Well, in announcing this Elena Kagan as his nominee for the Supreme Court, President Barack Obama characterized Kagan as a 'trailblazing leader.' The other Democrats said she was a wise choice because she had no paper trail.

Well, in Colorado one of the gubernatorial candidates has taken out a Craigslist ad to find a running mate. Is that a good idea? Hey, it didn't work when John McCain tried it.

And our transportation secretary, a man named Ray LaHood, announced that we are going to reopen the U.S. border to Mexican trucks. Apparently they couldn't squeeze enough people into vans anymore, so they're going to trucks now.

Hey, the government announced today they're making big changes to the do-not-fly list. Apparently, asking terrorists to be on the honor system has not been working. So now they're going to start cracking down.

It's interesting: U.S. investigators are trying to understand how the Times Square bomber took numerous trips back and forth to Pakistan even though the guy's name was on the no-fly list. Know what I think happened? I think the government confused the no-fly list with the 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' list.

President Obama has picked Solicitor General Elena Kagan as his Supreme Court nominee. America does not know a whole lot about her. All we know at this point is during the last 'Twilight' movie, she was 'Team Jacob.'

The Obama administration has revealed the size of America's nuclear arsenal. The U.S. has 5,113 warheads, approximately 1,000 of them aimed at China, 1,000 aimed at Russia, and the rest, of course, aimed at Fox News.

Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood said today the Obama administration will soon reopen the U.S. border to Mexican trucks. Of course, this came a huge shock to Mexican truck drivers. They didn't even know it was closed.

British Petroleum said today that if this spill gets worse, they may soon have to start drilling for water.

Well, in China, the one child limit may be on its way out because Chinese experts say there aren't enough babies in the country anymore. To give you an idea how bad it's getting, some factories over there are now being forced to hire adults.

See Cartoons by Cartoon by Monte Wolverton - Courtesy of Politicalcartoons.com - Email this Cartoon

From David Letterman:


They got a new prime minister in Great Britain. Name is David Cameron, and he has pledged to protect the country from terrorism. So today, he met with the nation's top T-shirt vendors.

So Gordon Brown is out. The election was delayed for like a week or 10 days because Al Gore demanded a recount.

And it looks like we may be getting a new Supreme Court justice from New York City. Her name is Elena Kagan. And she's apparently very, very smart. Here's how smart she is: The woman actually understands New York City parking signs.

Good news from the world of publishing. Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska, has a new book coming out this fall. The warning came from an alert T-shirt vendor.

How about that oil spill in the gulf? They were going to put down what they called a containment platform, and they were going to lower it into the gulf. But that didn't work. So now, British Petroleum wants to try something else. It's a smaller containment device called the top hat. They get the top hat on the well, and then they're going to get John Wilkes Booth to shoot at it.

Let me tell you about 'The Late Show.' It's like a car bomb and an oil spill all in one.



3 Funny Videos: Hilarious Betty White On SNL, Cartoonist Mocks Tea Party

Funny Video: Colbert On BP Oil Containment - No One Knows What The Flock They're Doing



Earlier today, the British Petroleum oil executives — the guys responsible for the big oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico — they testified before Congress. This was great. They were criticized by the same guys who approved drilling in the gulf.

But these British Petroleum executives are trying to spin this a little bit. I heard one guy say today that it's a good thing, actually, because now when you open a clam, the hinge doesn't squeak.

The State Department now has warned against travel to the tribal regions of Pakistan. There goes my summer vacation.

It looks like the next Supreme Court justice could be a New Yorker. Her name is Elena Kagan. She has never argued before a judge before. But living in New York City, you know, she's argued in cabs, she's argued in subways, she's argued in delis, she's argued in her apartment, she's yelled at her super, she's argued in line.

The Arizona government is very defensive about its new immigration law. They are being accused of just looking for Mexicans. The Arizona government says, 'No, earlier today we were rounding up Germans.'

This oil spill in the Gulf is affecting everybody. In fact, when I went to lunch this weekend and ordered the sea bass, they asked if I wanted it regular or unleaded.

This is going to be the biggest environmental disaster ever. You know what that means? More bonuses.

See Cartoons by Cartoon by Eric Allie - Courtesy of Politicalcartoons.com - Email this Cartoon

From Craig Ferguson:


Last weekend, President Obama gave an impassioned speech against technology. And then he had to stop when the teleprompter broke.

Google's new Android phone is outselling Apple's iPhone. I don't know what an Android can do, besides dance the robot or become the governor of California.

It is a great day for America's Supreme Court. President Obama just nominated Elena Kagan to be the next Supreme Court justice. He went against the advice of Joe Biden. Biden wanted Iron Man.

The British elections were last Thursday, but they still don't know who's running the country. The whole country is topsy-turvy. People are skipping afternoon tea. Some have even taken to brushing their teeth.

Britain's current prime minister, Gordon Brown, announced that he is stepping down and his replacement might be the education secretary, a gentleman named Ed Balls. I would like to make a plea on behalf of late night talk show hosts and bad comedians everywhere — I implore the voters of Britain to make sure that happens.

I'm glad here in the U.S. we always know who's running things: Oprah.



Funny Video: Cover Up Your Sex Scandal With A New Batch Of Euphemisms

Funny Video: Colbert Lampoons Conservative Preacher and His Rentboy



From Jimmy Fallon:


Sarah Palin has a new book coming out called 'America by Heart: Reflections on Family, Faith and Flag.' Coincidentally, Faith and Flag are the names Palin picked out if she ever has twins.

Police in Cairo have detained an American man who arrived on a flight from JFK with two handguns, 250 bullets, swords, daggers and knives in his luggage. When they heard this, JFK screeners were like, 'Sure he had all these things, but here's what he didn't have — bottled water or nail clippers.'

Prison inmates in Louisiana are now pitching in to clean up the Gulf Coast oil spill. At this point, the solutions have been dump chemicals in the ocean, shoot a bunch of garbage under water and release prisoners. If none of that works, they're going to have Al Qaeda come take a look at it.

There's speculation that the 1,000-point drop in the Dow may have been sparked by a typo, where someone entered 'billion' instead of 'million' on a trading order. Economists are saying a single letter hasn't caused this many problems since the letter 'Dubya.'



Funny Video: Cartoonist Mocks Tea Party Hypocrisy

Funny Video: Betty White On SNL Monologue

Funny Video: Betty White, SNL Golden Girls Lampoon Lawrence Welk Show



From Jimmy Kimmel:

The state of Hawaii passed a new law allowing the state government to ignore requests for President Obama's birth certificate from the 'Birthers.' From now on, every future president should be required to be born on camera and in front of a national landmark.'



*** Last week's Roundup of Late Night Funnies:

Roundup of Late Night Funnies - 10 May 2010


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Roundup of Late Night Funnies - 10 May 2010

You know that hurt!


From Denny: This week the news has focused upon the unfolding environmental disaster in the Gulf of Mexico off my Louisiana coast. The reason the BP oil spill is such a danger to Louisiana over the other Gulf states is because our shoreline is very jagged, full of marshlands that are habitats to wildlife. Those marshlands act as a barrier to slow down fierce hurricanes before they reach land. Those marshlands are also home to some good fishing that will be completely destroyed if the oil makes its way into those jagged areas. The oil will be too difficult to clean up in those areas. Fortunately, the Coast Guard is working feverishly by dumping tons of sand to plug the areas from the Gulf into the marshlands. It erodes as soon as they dump sand but it's better than nothing at all. You have to admire the effort as it may buy some time as clean up continues.

The comedians are not saying anything we aren't saying in Louisiana to joke about it. For the past several weeks, when there was a ban placed on fishing in the Gulf, diners have flocked to their favorite seafood restaurants like vultures on roadkill. There is some stock in freezers but when that runs out there won't be any more Louisiana Gulf shrimp, oysters or other fishes available.

One of the restaurant jokes around here in south Louisiana is there is a couple seated at a table in a fine dining restaurant. The server approaches the table with towel folded over his arm, ready to serve wine, and a pen and pad to take their order. The server proceeds to tick off the specials of the night to the couple when the man asks, "I suppose what you mean by blackened shrimp is that it's the chef who does the blackening, right?" Ah, BP oil spill humor...

The comics also lampooned the Time Square Bomber and Arizona immigration in relation to Cinco de Mayo holiday.

Be sure to check out these funny videos from this week:


Funny Video: Colbert Lampoons Conservative Preacher and His Rentboy

Funny Video: Stewart Slams Media, BP, And Hypocritical Politicians For Oil Spill Response

Funny Video: 2010 White House Correspondents Dinner with Prez Obama

See Cartoons by Cartoon by Patrick Corrigan - Courtesy of Politicalcartoons.com - Email this Cartoon

From David Letterman:


You folks been following the big British Petroleum oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? I'm telling you, British Petroleum has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders.

I was thinking about this. Here's what I came up with. Now, in Arizona, you know about the new immigration law, where if you don't look like you belong there, they can run you out of the state? And they've got patrol cars driving around, pulling up to people, saying: 'You don't look like you belong here. Get out!' So the deal is, in Arizona, they don't like immigrants. And I was thinking, well, that's odd, because right across the river there in California, they elected one governor.


David Letterman's "Top Ten Things Overheard At BP Headquarters"

10. 'Huh?'
9. 'Happy Cinco de Mayo. 'Nother margarita?'
8. 'We got a nice thank you note from the Toyota people'
7. 'Any way we can pin this on the Times Square bomber?'
6. 'We just got a nice thank you note from the Goldman Sachs people.'
5. 'I hope they get Robert Wagner to play me in the TV movie.'
4. 'One day, 10,000 years from now, we'll be able to look back on this and laugh.'
3. 'Let me tell you something, you can't buy this kind of publicity.'
2. 'Tell everybody it's our free oil giveaway bonanza.'
1. 'Everyone gets a bonus.'



This bombing plot here in Times Square is upsetting. Are we more upset about that than the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? Which do we hate worse? I think you've got to go with the oil spill. British petroleum, these boobs running this operation, they said: 'O.K., now wait a minute. It's just going to be a P.R. nightmare. What can we do? We'll give everybody a free tank of gas. All you have to do is drive your car right down next to the Gulf of Mexico.'

But BP plans to pay for the cleanup. Then they're going to ask for the bailout.

But they say the oil spill has the potential to kill more wildlife than a Sarah Palin hunting trip.

So it's British Petroleum, or BP. BP, of course, as in broken pipe.

Yeah, they plucked a guy off a plane. His name is Faisal Shahzad. They say he was a moody loner. Last year, he vacationed in the tribal regions of Pakistan. Well, no red flags there.

Mayor Bloomberg held a press conference. He described the bomb because everybody thought, wow, this is frightening. This is crazy. But the mayor said, no, the bomb was crude and amateurish. That's what a lot of people are saying about last night's show.

But don't you feel secure, ladies and gentlemen, knowing that the only thing standing between you and terrorism is a T-shirt vendor?

Experts say the FBI is saying potentially this thing could have been the biggest bomb on Broadway since Peter Pan, starring Kirstie Alley.

You know who was in town yesterday? Iranian dictator Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was here, and his Members Only jacket. He was speaking at the U.N. Now, seriously, New York City is not this guy's kind of town. Everybody here is either gay or Jewish. He had to get out. He said, 'No thank you.'

Anybody here from Arizona? Yeah, you know, they have this immigration law in Arizona. I guess it's because they share a border with Mexico. In essence, the new law in Arizona is if you don't look like you belong there, get out. And if you're in this country illegally, I think I speak for most Americans when I say, 'Qué?'

If you're in Arizona and you don't look like you belong there, they'll give you a simple test. You have to be able to identify four of Larry King's ex-wives.

Over the weekend, of course, down there in Washington, D.C., they had the big White House Correspondents' Dinner. Do you know who was really funny? President Obama. So funny, in fact, he has already been promised 'The Tonight Show' in five years.

Did you see Conan O'Brien on 60 Minutes? The guy told the 60 minutes team that NBC had broken his heart. And I thought, 'Welcome to the club, Coco. Welcome to the club.

But Conan declined to say anything or criticize Jay Leno. And here's how I look at this. I always say, 'If you can't say anything nice about Jay, well, let's hear it!'

Anybody from the Gulf of Mexico area? It's going to be the biggest ecological disaster on the history of the planet. And today, a tourist thought they saw a blowfish in the Gulf of Mexico. Turned out to be a flounder holding its breath.

British Petroleum says that they have a plan now to clean up the vast oil spill. You know what it is? Hot tub time machine.

Something very suspicious happened over the weekend. A car parked at, like, 45th and Broadway, very suspicious. And I'll tell you the most suspicious thing about the whole episode was that the guy found a parking place.

Thank God the car bombing was thwarted by an alert carjacker.

The Iranian dictator, Ahmadinejad, is in town. So for one day, Mayor Bloomberg is not the shortest dictator in New York.

Ahmadinejad has got a busy schedule. Today it is the U.N. And then tomorrow, he's going to be on 'The Rachael Ray Show,' filleting a camel.

See Cartoons by Cartoon by Brian Fairrington - Courtesy of Politicalcartoons.com - Email this Cartoon

From Craig Ferguson:


Happy Cinco de Mayo. If you don't know what that means, maybe you're a little out of touch — or maybe you're the governor of Arizona.

A lot of the U.S. used to be part of Mexico, including Arizona. But they're a bit touchy about that right now.

I don't drink anymore for Cinco de Mayo. I celebrate with Mexican food, or as it's known in Mexico: 'food.'

See Cartoons by Cartoon by John Darkow - Courtesy of Politicalcartoons.com - Email this Cartoon

From Jimmy Kimmel:


Cinco de Mayo commemorates the Mexican Army's surprise victory over sobriety back in 1862.

Oddly, Cinco de Mayo is more popular here than in Mexico. Cinco de Mayo to us is what David Hasselhoff is to Germany.

Authorities say Faisal Shahzad, the Times Square bombing suspect, used the wrong kind of fertilizer, which is what happens when you don't watch Martha Stewart.

It was reported that Shahzad went to terrorist camp in Pakistan. Honestly, who are these parents that are sending their kids to terrorist camp?

Oil is still leaking off the coast of Louisiana. Lots of oil. BP, the company responsible for it, has a very good plan. BP is hoping to create a giant vinegar spill to turn the Gulf of Mexico into a delicious salad dressing.

Actually, what they're doing is spraying chemicals on the oil to try to disperse it. And some environmentalists say the chemicals pose their own dangers. But the company that makes them points out the active ingredient is the same thing they put in ice cream. BP is trying to get the spill reclassified from disaster to dessert.

The state of Arizona is the subject of a lot of controversy because of this new immigration law they passed. There were big demonstrations all around the country yesterday protesting it. Many people believe it's potentially racist, but the state announced today that despite the controversy, they're still planning to move ahead with their annual Cinco de Mayo party. I guess it's sort of a going-away thing.

Hey, if I was Latino, I don't think I would go to this. 'Don't worry. Get on these buses. We'll take you to the party. It'll be a lot of fun.'

See Cartoons by Cartoon by J.D. Crowe - Courtesy of Politicalcartoons.com - Email this Cartoon

From Jimmy Fallon:


It's Cinco de Mayo, or as they call it in Arizona: May 5th.

Police in Texas arrested a man who was using the alias 'Barack Obama' while trying to steal money from 35 ATMs. They could tell something was up when a guy named Barack Obama was trying to take money from banks instead of giving it to them.

Nissan is recalling almost 135,000 Infiniti G35s to address an airbag problem. When Toyota heard that, they said, 'Airbags! I knew we forgot something.'

A new survey found that 12 percent of parents punish their kids by banning social networking sites. The other 88 percent punish their kids by joining social networking sites.

It's rumored that six pages from the script of the 'Lost' series finale have leaked online. BP executives were like: 'Oh my God! That's definitely the worst leak of all time, right?'

Well, scientists are predicting that the oil from the BP spill will eventually reach the shores of Florida. So if you hated visiting your grandparents before, wait until you're hosing down their oily bodies after a long day at the beach.

Hey, we caught a suspect in the failed Times Square attack. The suspect says he acted alone. Yeah, really alone. Even his bomb wasn't in on it.

Speaking of terrorism, two new videos from the Pakistani Taliban seem to show that their leader, Hakimullah Mehsud, is alive, even though the U.S. thought he was killed. So, either our intelligence is wrong or they're just shooting the new movie, 'Weekend at Hakimullah's.'

The Pakistani Taliban has claimed responsibility for Saturday's failed car bomb attack in Times Square. I'm no terrorism expert, but I don't think it makes you scarier when you claim responsibility for something that failed.

Have you guys been following the whole oil disaster? Yesterday, President Obama said: 'Let me be clear. BP is responsible for this leak. BP will be paying the bill.' And BP was like: 'Ah, bailout? Right?'

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From Jay Leno:


Phoenix Suns are all wearing jerseys that read 'Los Suns.' Thankfully, they can get the jerseys made quickly using an illegal sweatshop.

So, the Phoenix Suns are wearing jerseys written in Spanish, made in China, modeled after their best player, Canadian Steve Nash. There you go. That is America.

Folks, we're starting to learn more and more about that man arrested in the New York SUV car bombing case. His name is Faisal Shahzad. He's from Pakistan. What tipped off the authorities he might be the bomber? His name is Faisal Shahzad. He's from Pakistan.

Well, looks like this guy was having financial problems as well. Turns out his house was in foreclosure. See, apparently the Taliban does not pay very well. And not to mention, no benefits. Who would take a job as a car bomber where they tell you, you have to use your own car? That's unbelievable.

If any job should give you a company car, it's the car bomb business.

Anyway, the bomb turned out to be a dud, thankfully. But had it exploded, it would have been the biggest bomb to hit New York since the Knicks, I guess.

I don't understand the United Nations. They have selected Iran to sit on the U.N.'s women's rights panel. Iran! Also on the panel — Ben Roethlisberger, Chris Brown, Phil Spector, Robert Blake and committee chairman O.J. Simpson.

Hey, great news. They made an arrest today in that failed Times Square bombing attempt. It turns out the suspect is a foreign-born, naturalized American citizen. You know what that means? He would have been fine in Arizona.

His name is Faisal Shahzad. What, is Snoop Dogg naming terrorists now? They're still looking for his brother, Fo Shizzle. They don't know where he is.

Well, the amazing part, they arrested this guy. He was already on the plane. It was taxiing down the runway. They called the plane back. And they're calling it great work by Homeland Security, and I guess it is. I mean, that's one way to look at it. I mean, how about the fact that a Pakistani guy who bought a one-way ticket to the Middle East, reeking of fertilizer, made it through security and got on the plane. How did that happen?

You know who's really happy they took him off the plane? The guy sitting next to him. Smelling manure for 14 hours?

Anyway, police raided this guy's house. I guess it's in Bridgeport, Conn. Some of the neighbors say the suspect told them he worked on Wall Street, so they were relieved to find out he was just a terrorist.

The real hero in this story was the T-shirt vendor who told the policeman about the smoke coming from the SUV in Times Square. And for some reason, New York Mayor Bloomberg took the policeman to dinner but not the T-shirt vendor. Hey, you see the T-shirt he's selling today? It says: 'I saw the smoking SUV first. All I got was this lousy T-shirt.'

And I tell you, this Faisal guy, not the brightest terrorist. Did you see his bomb? Three bottles of Diet Coke and some Mentos. You know, that's not going to do a lot.

Anyway, it turns out this Faisal Shahzad has got a Facebook page. We looked it up. Let's see who his friends are. Look, bin Laden, Ahmadinejad and Danny Bonaduce. What are his favorite activities? What have we got there? We got beach volleyball, rollerblading. Look, blowing up Nissan Pathfinders.

Let's see what's going on at BP, which stands for, of course, big problems.

On Monday, British Petroleum promised to pay all necessary cleanup costs for this oil spill. And they said they will do it, no matter how much they have to raise gas prices.

Well, here's something kind of embarrassing. The government has called off the Safety Awards for Excellence ceremony that was supposed to take place this week, in honor of outstanding safety and pollution prevention. And British Petroleum, the one that was responsible for the big oil spill in the Gulf, was one of the three finalists for the award. I believe the other two were China and the volcano in Iceland.

And former aides to John Edwards are now claiming that Rielle Hunter lied to Oprah during her interview last week. Let me tell you something. You can lie in court in this country. You can lie at work. When you lie to Oprah, that is downright un-American.

Iranian President Mahmoud 'I'm-a-nutjob' is in New York City. He spoke at the U.N. today. He arrived in New York on Saturday night; he rented an SUV and parked it in Times Square.

Well, as you know — this is pretty serious — somebody tried to detonate an SUV rigged with explosives in Times Square. SUV turned out to be a Nissan Pathfinder. Probably, the bombing suspect realized if he'd been driving a Toyota, he would have been putting his own life in danger.

Experts say if this SUV bomb had gone off, it could have caused almost as much damage to New York City as Goldman Sachs.

And the oil from that oil rig that exploded in the Gulf of Mexico spewing five times as much oil as first was estimated. When former President George W. Bush heard about this, he said: 'Wait a minute. You mean we have oil here?'

Today, British Petroleum said they're doing everything they can to control this leak. Really? Two hundred thousand gallons? That's a leak? The pipe under my bathroom. That's a leak, O.K.? This is a gusher.

And the environmental impact from this is unbelievable. They say a lot of birds are trying to leave the area. And, today, Arizona issued a warning — any birds flying in from out of state will be stopped and arrested.

As you know, Arizona has passed the strictest immigration law in the country. It's scaring everybody. In fact, today, Taco Bell changed their name to Skippy's.

The governor of Florida, Charlie Crist, announced he is quitting the Republican Party to run for the Senate as an independent. And today, it became official — the Republicans took away his lesbian strip club VIP card.

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Colbert Lampoons Immigration and Pot Smokers - Roundup of Late Nite Comedy 26 Apr 2010

From Denny: If only I could stay up late and watch all the late night comics all at once... The next best thing is to corral all their funny quips about the state of affairs in America and the world into one post. These guys are the social commentators of our time!

Included also are some of the latest (since Saturday) political cartoons just released with references to the sex crazed Republican National Committee, Earth Day and Arizona immigration.

Check out the latest Colbert Report video clips as he lampoons the new Arizona immigration bill and has some fun with the pot smoking community.

Thanks for stopping by for a visit and enjoy the start to your work week with a lots of laughs to keep you going until Friday blissfully arrives! :)



From Jay Leno:


One good thing came out of this volcano in Iceland. Economists say consumers can expect a huge drop in the price of lava lamps.

President Obama gave a speech in New York about his plans to reform the rules for Wall St. A lot of Wall St. executives were shaking in their boots when the president showed up. The bad news is, they were $800 Italian leather boots that were bought with our bailout money.

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Happy Earth Day. To demonstrate their commitment, environmentalists all across the country risked their lives driving Toyota Priuses.

According to USA Today, 71 percent of American households have already filled out and returned their census. That's the good news. The bad news — they filled it out in Spanish.

President Obama met with Wall Street executives today. He told them to stop fighting this financial reform. But the Wall Street executives are kind of copping an attitude with the president. You know, I got an idea. Forget financial reform. Let's put them in prison. Call it prison reform. See how they like it then.

Oh, yeah. They don't want the government messing with their business unless it's a bailout. Then, 'Please!'

To give you an idea how popular President Obama is around the world — he's probably the most popular leader in the world — this is amazing. They opened a nightclub in China named after President Obama. It will be an Obama-themed nightclub. Here's the amazing thing — hasn't even opened yet and already $12 trillion in debt.

Well, the government said today Somali pirates being held in U.S. custody will be brought to the United States for prosecution, and they will be tried by a jury of their peers. So I'm guessing that's what, Goldman Sachs?

You see this on the news? Gay and lesbian activists chained themselves to the White House fence to protest the 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy. And when Republican Party officials saw the lesbians chaining themselves to the fence, out of force of habit, they paid $2,000 to watch.

A new study shows that fewer and fewer immigrants are sending money they earn here back home. They'd like to, but there's no one left at home. They all live here now. They just send it across the street.

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This is rather disturbing. A government panel made up of all retired military personnel says that the school lunches are a threat to our national security because they make our kids too fat to serve the country. It's unbelievable. Remember the old days, when the Army wanted the best and the brightest? Now they're stuck with the biggest and the widest.

Here's something great. General Motors today paid back all the government loans five years ahead of schedule. Amazing what hard work, careful planning and Toyotas rolling over and crashing into trees can do for you.

And unemployment here in California, over 12 percent now. Give you an idea how bad it is, you know the best way to make money in California now? Marrying and divorcing Larry King.

Well, in an interview on the 'Today' show, Bill Clinton told Jenna Bush Hager, who is George Bush's daughter, that his only involvement in the planning of his daughter Chelsea's wedding is paying the bill. Although, since he's a Democrat, he doesn't actually pay the bill himself; he leaves it for future generations of Americans. But you get the idea.

For those of you visiting from Iceland, happy Ash Wednesday.

The British government sent a warship to France to bring home stranded Britons. There was an embarrassing moment — when the ship pulled up to the port, the French immediately surrendered.

The volcano was spewing out so much ash that now, the Catholic Church is saying it couldn't even see what it was doing wrong.

The giant cloud of ash over Amsterdam is so bad that you can't even see the giant cloud of hashish.

According to a top Iranian cleric, earthquakes and volcanoes are caused by women wearing immodest clothing. Or as most guys would call it: a fair trade-off.

President Obama and some prominent Democrats proposed a solution to the erupting volcano — they want to pour money into it.

Toyota is recalling 600,000 minivans because the spare tire holder can break and the spare tire can go flying down the highway. It's bad enough Toyota cars can run you off the road — now the parts are chasing you down the street.


*** Colbert lampoons the 4/20 pot smoking holiday, trying to kill their buzz. Colbert satirically warns that pot smoking could lead to awful tragedies like the music group Phish getting back together and other horrific occurrences.

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Stephen Refuses to Celebrate 4/20
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From Jimmy Kimmel:


A new poll found that a substantial number of Americans still aren't convinced that President Obama was born in the United States. Only 58 percent believe that Obama was born here, and 20 percent think he was born in another country. I don't believe Obama was born at all.

Vice President Biden appeared on 'The View.' They were trying to set the Guinness Record for most Botox on one couch. And they did, so congratulations.

Happy Earth Day to everyone. An estimated one billion people celebrate Earth Day. Al Gore, in particular, is wasted right now.

Yesterday was 4/20, known to stoners around the country as National Weed Day. There were pro-marijuana legalization rallies all around the country, especially here in California, where freedom fighters like this guy exercised their right to free speech vigorously. 'Here in the meadow, people were chilling out. Some, maybe too much. We're here just to have a bunch of fun in a field.' That's a good way to spend a Tuesday, while your parents are paying tuition.

The Fox network had their annual telethon 'Idol Gives Back.' I was hoping they would give back the hundreds of hours I've wasted watching 'American Idol.'

The new $100 bill was unveiled today. So if you have any old $100 bills, you can throw them away now.

The Supreme Court is hearing a case about 'sexting.' Apparently the justices of the Supreme Court are not up to date on technology. Chief Justice Roberts asked what is the difference between an e-mail and a pager. Justice Roberts is only 55 years old. He's young enough to be Larry King's next wife.

Today is April 20, which is like Christmas for pot-smokers. It all started in the 1700s when St. Patrick drove the stoners out of Ireland with a pack of Twinkies.

In celebration of 4/20, the volcano in Iceland is still smoking. And it just asked for Hot Pockets.

Travelers have been stranded in dozens of countries, but they're finally allowing flights to take off to countries that no one likes.

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From David Letterman:


You know, a lot of people were flying and got delayed by the Icelandic volcano, and everybody is upset. They lost billions of dollars in revenue. And I said, 'O.K., it's kind of their fault. I mean to be flying during the volcano season, come on! Are you nuts? Really? Your own fault.'

Here is a story that is kind of perplexing: 221 years ago, George Washington went to the library here in New York, took out some books, never returned them. 221 years of overdue library fines. I tell you something, ladies and gentlemen, if you want to blame this economic crisis on a president, what about that guy?

Here's news now from the Supreme Court. Justice John Paul Stevens is retiring. He's in his 90s, Justice John Paul Stevens. Said he has had enough, wants to spend more time judging his family.

President Obama is here to announce his peace initiative for Mr. and Mrs. Larry King.

Justice John Paul Stevens is retiring. Don't worry, he's getting his own show on TBS.

Al Pacino is starring in a TV movie, where he plays Dr. Jack Kevorkian. Did they not even look at my audition tape? … Dr. Kevorkian was a killing machine. He pulled more plugs than Jay Leno.

Talking about air travel and the volcano. The good news, ladies and gentlemen, regular airline service is resuming. The bad news — regular airline service is resuming.

Is anyone here stranded because of the volcano? Well, that's what you get for traveling during volcano season.

Because of the volcano, the airlines lost $2 billion. Usually, all they lose is my luggage.

Because of the volcano in Iceland, thousands of travelers are stranded with no place to sleep, eat, or shower. This is the kind of thing that can really take the fun out of air travel.

"The name of the volcano is Eyjafjallajökull. It's the scariest thing out of Iceland since Björk in that swan outfit.

The volcano cloud is gritty ash and it's making its way toward Russia. In fact, Sarah Palin can see it from her house.



David Letterman's Top Ten Goldman Sachs Excuses


10. Huh?
9. You're saying 'fraud' like it's a bad thing
8. Planned on using money to buy everyone in America delicious KFC Double Down sandwich
7. Distraught over George Lopez's move to midnight
6. We were framed by evil menswear company Goldman Slacks
5. Since when are financial institutions not allowed to screw their customers?
4. Hey sport, how much to make these questions go away?
3. America needed a villain both Republicans and Democrats can hate
2. Everyone we ripped off got an 'I Got Cheated By Goldman Sachs' tote bag
1. Uhh, it's Obama's fault?



*** Colbert pokes jabs at the state of Arizona for passing controversial bold new immigration bill which basically legalizes the harassment of Latinos. Colbert thinks the new strategy is one to irritate and frustrate the Latino community to the point they will get fed up and leave on their own.

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From Craig Ferguson:


Today the U.S. Treasury released its new $100 bill. It's the most high-tech piece of currency the world has ever seen — until Apple comes out with the '$100 bill Nano.'

Happy birthday to Jack Nicholson today, and also it's Earth Day. Planet Earth and Jack Nicholson are different, of course — one is a giant object ravaged by years of abuse and we're running out of time to save it, and the other one is Earth.

The movie 'Avatar' is out on DVD today. James Cameron wanted it to be released on Earth Day because nothing says 'save the planet' like millions of plastic DVD cases.

It's the 40th Earth Day, which is bad news for Earth. Once you get in your forties, your equator expands, your poles start to melt — soon you'll look as bad as Uranus.

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From Bill Maher:


Oama is getting his mojo back. Apparently, he's going to get this financial package. That's right, the financial package is going through. He got health care. He got that nuclear weapons treaty… He's on a roll and he's taunting his critics. His new slogan is, 'Change You Can Suck On.'

Arizona's Governor had been stalling, you know, on signing this. She said it did not reflect any ambivalence about the bill. She just wanted to make sure her pool was clean and her lawn was mowed before she signed. – on Arizona's immigration bill.

The entire rig sunk. Republicans in Washington today voted to lower flags to half staff in honor of the tragic loss of oil. - on the oil rig in The Gulf of Mexico

What is it with radical Muslims and cartoons? They watch more cartoons than pot-heads. – on the group threatening the "South Park" creators

The problem with the Tea Party movement, besides their almost universal rejection of dentistry, is that they want money for nothing and chicks for free. They want a deregulated free market and their jobs to stay here in the US; they want guaranteed health coverage regardless of preexisting conditions without a big government mandate; they want to call themselves tea baggers and people to keep a straight face. And of course they want big tax cuts along with deficit reduction. I can't even think of a suitable analogy for that disconnect – it's like thinking getting a handjob will clean your garage.

New Rule: Since the Icelandic volcano obviously needs a virgin sacrifice and the Catholic Church obviously needs new leadership the Pope must volunteer to jump in the volcano. Pontiff, don't think of it as endorsing paganism, think of it as supersizing Ash Wednesday. – in his "New Rules" segment

New Rule: If the water in your river makes the male fish grow vaginas, stay thirsty. 90% of Washington D.C.'s drinking water comes from the Potomac, a river so polluted with hormones it makes fish change sex. If I wanted to drink something that makes me grow a vagina, I'd order a wine cooler. – in his "New Rules" segment




From Seth Meyers:


This week Arizona signed the toughest illegal immigration law in the country, which would allow the police to demand identification papers from anyone they suspect is in the country illegally. I know there are some people in Arizona worried that Obama is acting like Hitler, but can we all agree that there's nothing more Nazi than saying, `Show me your papers?' There's never been a WWII movie that didn't include the line, `Show me your papers.' It's their catchphrase. Every time someone says `Show me your papers,' Hitler's family gets a residual check. So heads up Arizona, that's fascism. I know, I know, it's a dry fascism, but it's still fascism. - on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"




From Jon Stewart:


Look I'm sorry I told you to go f**k yourself last week (and that other time, like, six months ago.) I know that I criticize you and Fox News a lot, but only because you're truly a terrible, cynical, disingenuous news organization.

Fox News: You are the lupus of news.

And with a nod to Groundhog Phil who predicted six more weeks of winter this year: Everyone knows if a Republican comes out of the closet and sees a gay shadow, it means six more years of a Democratic administration.


*** AND in the news today:

Scumbag Walmart Lawsuit Caught, Scumbag Goldman Sachs Email Guilty, Scumbag GOP Denies Scumbag Reform - News Headlines 26 Apr 2010


*** THANKS for visiting, feel welcome to drop a comment or opinion, enjoy bookmarking this post on your favorite social site, a big shout out to awesome current subscribers – and if you are new to this blog, please subscribe in a reader or by email updates!

Roundup of Late Night Comedy - 22 Mar 2010

From Denny: Whew! The health care reform bill is finally passed in the House. The next four years as the changes come into our lives should prove interesting. We all know the insurance companies are going to find something to penalize us with yet again.

Look what the big banks did with the credit card bill that was passed 18 months ago. Our lives have been a living nightmare. People with good credit standing and high scores have been raked over the coals with high fees, lowered credit lines and outright denial of credit - all for no good reason other than the banks want to keep the public monies for their quarterly profits and to pay off greedy CEOs.

Yeah? Well, Lady Karma is no longer holding back or playing nice. Turns out there is a bill snaking its way through Congress to start breaking up big banks since they have proven to be such a terror. Get ready for the next big public fight. The drama is on and you can't escape into another room as the lying TV ads follow, screaming at high pitch volume. Of course, there is supposed to be a new law out about that high volume ad business. Let me know when the feds are hiring for enforcers. Sign me up! :)

The comics have been having fun with the Saint Patrick's Day jokes the past week. Then they regularly trot out health care quips. Even though the bill has passed, somehow we all know the health care jokes will continue.

As to funny videos, Colbert ridicules the anti-census folks. If you have already received your census form, fill it out. Unless you have the fifth Army living with you, it's a snap and doesn't ask anything too personal like your income. Besides, you have to give the Democrats some kind of ammunition to redraw those crazy bizarre districts that look like jigsaw puzzles courtesy of the Republicans creating new ways to increase their power.

Colbert also went after the Texas School Board of Education and his buddy ol' Newt Gingrich. They are both hoping to enrich their wallets by placing conservative fantasy textbooks into the public schools they don't believe should exist or be paid for by the taxpayer in the first place. The way they are able to influence beyond Texas is because of the lame textbook publishers. They see a large order in Texas and then ramp up and offer it nationally, thinking it's popular. Creepy, isn't it?!

And Jon Stewart went 15 minutes long on parodying Glenn Beck. Beck must really get under the guy's skin. Either that or Beck is everyone's favorite villain.

The very last cartoon about Obama vs. Israel is my personal favorite of the week. Enjoy the funnies and have a great work week! And hey! If you enjoy this post, how about throwing it up on your favorite social site, even email to your friends, much appreciated!


Health care:

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From Jay Leno:


Yesterday was St. Patrick's Day. Republicans are now working on declaring March 18 as St. Obama Day. They want to honor the president for driving all the Democrats out of Washington.

Ohio Congressman Dennis Kucinich announced he will change his no vote and he will vote yes on health care. Now, I don't want to imply he made a deal, but he announced it at Cleveland's new Airport, which is right next to the Dennis Kucinich Highway and the new Dennis Kucinich Middle School.

Yesterday, President Obama appeared on Fox News to pitch his health care. Obama was on Fox. That's like George W. Bush being on The Learning Channel.

And 80-year-old Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens said he's considering retirement, either that or playing for the Minnesota Vikings next season.

PepsiCo announced it will voluntarily remove all high-calorie sweetened drinks from schools — no more sugary drinks in schools. This is part of their new program, 'Leave No Child With a Bigger Behind.'

Today we celebrate Saint Patrick, the guy that drove all of the Toyotas out of Ireland.

To celebrate Saint Patrick's Day, President Obama spoke with the wee Dennis Kucinich.

Continental Airlines has begun charging customers for seats with extra leg room. It's just an illusion. After your wallet becomes thinner, you can sit further back in the seat.

The American College of Cardiology says that over-exercise can be as bad for your heart as no exercise at all. This could affect nearly two Americans.

Toyota is starting to fight back. Today, they cast doubt on the story of that guy — remember the guy last week that said his Prius accelerated out of control on the freeway? They said they found significant inconsistencies in his story. And let me tell you something, that's embarrassing when a car dealer calls you a liar.

Now, if you're on the freeway, you know how to tell if a Prius next to you is out of control? Here's how you tell. If you look over and the driver's face goes from that smug, 'I'm saving the environment' look, to the frightened, 'get me the hell out of here' look, that's kind of how you know.


Colbert Blasts Beck And Bachmann For Anti-Census Stance:

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
United States Census 2010
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Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor Health Care reform

And I'm sure you remembered to turn your clock ahead an hour, unless, of course, you're a Democrat working on health care. Then you might want to turn it back a year and start all over again.

You know, I was thinking about this health care problem. If you took all the money the Republicans have spent to stop health care and all the money Democrats have spent trying to get health care, we could afford health care.

In an interview in GQ magazine, John Edwards's mistress said she slept with him on the first day they met, but she wasn't his mistress, she was just playing the role. And, apparently, the audition went so well, she got the job!

Rielle Hunter told GQ that she will love John Edwards until death do us part, to which Elizabeth Edwards said, 'You know, I can arrange that.'

She also said in the interview she did not consider the money she got every month from the Edwards campaign as hush money. Well, duh. Once you give an interview, it's no longer hush money. It's now considered down-the-drain money.

Thank you for coming on the Ides of March. You know, this is March 15. It was on this day in 44 B.C., Julius Caesar met his end. He was stabbed in the back by members of the Senate, ironically, while pleading for health care.

Well, President Obama, turning up the pressure on Congress to pass this health care reform. In fact, he's telling Democrats, if they don't vote for this bill, he will go out and campaign for them in November.

It seems The Journal of Neurology reports that the longer you smoke, the less likely you are to develop Parkinson's disease. So what are they telling us? Follow me guys. Remember, a couple of months ago, doctors said drinking a glass of alcohol every day was good for your heart. Smoking prevents Parkinson's disease. Marijuana is good for glaucoma. Sex is good for your prostate. You know, screw health care. Let's party!

And in his speech to the Export-Import Bank's annual gathering, President Obama announced that he will establish two brain trusts to double U.S. exports over the next five years. You know what our leading export is right now? Jobs.

Hey, learning more and more about that homegrown terrorist, that woman, Colleen LaRose, also known as Jihad Jane. They're calling her the most dangerous person to come out of Pennsylvania since Ben Roethlisberger.

And in World News, the tension between the White House and Israel is at its highest level in 30 years. Israel wants to build more houses in its territory, and the Obama administration wants them torn down. Here's the solution: You build the houses, but let Countrywide give everybody an adjustable rate mortgage. They'll be foreclosed on and out of there by July.

And as part of an art project, 31 life-sized nude male statues will be set up all around Manhattan. They're so lifelike, former Congressman Eric Massa tried to tickle three of them.

Well, in Toyota's defense, there are allegations that the driver of that runaway Prius in San Diego may have faked it. The guy claims he couldn't stop a runaway Prius? Come on. Tiger Woods's wife stopped a runaway Cadillac Escalade with a 9-iron, O.K.?

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Colbert has paid special attention to the Texas State Board of Education's recent decision to amend history text-books to correct what they perceived as liberal bias. The changes include criticisms of LBJ's Great Society, a defense of McCarthyism, and perhaps most controversial, a chapter about this one time when George Washington said having sex with members of the Texas Board of Education makes you "creatively expel" diamonds:

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I's on Edjukashun - Texas School Board
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Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor Health Care reform

From Jimmy Fallon:


You guys excited for March Madness? Had some great matchups so far. B.Y.U. versus Florida. Old Dominion versus Notre Dame. Obama versus Fox News.

This is pretty cool. One of President Obama's childhood friends just found a photo of Obama as a schoolboy, taken more than 40 years ago. It's just him and some kids playing little Barack's favorite school game, 'give the speech.'

Obama was a great ballplayer when he was a kid, but naturally, the other team never let him pass anything.

It was a beautiful day here in New York for the Saint Patrick's Day parade — over 60 degrees outside! I guess it's just that old 'Luck o' the Global Warming.'

In Irish lore, leprechauns hide their pots of gold at the end of the rainbow. But here in New York, things are a little different — at the end of the rainbow, there's just a gay bar.

Ohio Congressman Dennis Kucinich announced that he will vote for President Obama's healthcare bill. The one condition is that Obama had to carry him on his shoulders so he could see the Saint Patrick's Day Parade.

President Obama went on Fox News tonight to pitch his plan for healthcare reform. Obama going on Fox News? That's like John Edwards going on 'The Marriage Ref.'

You guys see the 'GQ' pictures of John Edwards' mistress, Rielle Hunter? Today, she called them 'repulsive', and says she trusted 'GQ''s photographer to take classy photos. Yeah, because anytime I'm on a bed in nothing but dress shirt and underwear next to a Dora the Explorer doll, I think, 'This is gonna look classy.'

C-SPAN is uploading 23 years of video on the Internet. Or if you want to get the sensation of watching 23 years of C-SPAN, just watch 2 minutes of C-SPAN.

In his weekly radio and Internet address, President Obama called for an overhaul of the 'No Child Left Behind' law. It will now be called 'The World Needs Janitors, Too.'

President Obama talked about health care reform at a senior center in Strongsville, Ohio, today. The most common question he got: 'When's bingo?'

I don't know if you saw this yesterday on 'Meet the Press.' Tom Brokaw referred to health care reform as a 'kerfuffle.' You thought passing health care was hard; 10 times harder for Brokaw to pronounce 'kerfuffle.'

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From David Letterman:


Mayor Bloomberg has done a remarkable job. Yesterday, he was twice mistaken for a leprechaun.

Tax time is right around the corner. My accountant says I could save a lot of money if I move the show to the Canary Islands.

Congress is getting ready to vote on President Obama's health care bill. It's going to be a close vote. The House Democrats say it could be a real tickle fight.

Sarah Palin, out in Arizona, is campaigning with John McCain. He's running for Senate re-election. They're campaigning together out there. I thought, yeah, I mean, there's an unbeatable combination.

Everybody changed their clocks this weekend for daylight savings. So you move it ahead. And even the Taliban move their clocks ahead. They moved it up to the 11th century. So that's good.

Well here's something interesting. And I guess this goes with the job. President Obama announced over the weekend that he gets 20,000 letters a day calling him an idiot. And I said, 'Hey, welcome to the club.' ... I said to myself, 'Well hey, maybe I am presidential material.' ... But in all fairness, a lot of those letters come from Dick Cheney.


Jon Stewart enjoys skewering Glenn Beck:

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David Letterman's Top Ten Signs You Spend Too Much Time On Twitter


10. You miss son's soccer game waiting for Lady Gaga to post what she had for lunch
9. You answer the phone: "Twello?"
8. You've spent millions developing iPhone waterproofing technology so you can tweet in the shower
7. You haven't touched your CB radio in months
6. You ask yourself, "What would Jesus tweet?"
5. You sleep-tweet
4. No No. 4 — writer on Twitter
3. You stopped paying attention to this list after the first 140 characters
2. Even Ashton Kutcher thinks you tweet too much
1. Walked in on the landscaper "retweeting" your wife.



Israel:

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