21 June 2010

Roundup of Late Night Funnies - 21 June 2010

*** Start your work week off right and catch up on the late night jokes, latest political cartoons and funny videos from social commentators Colbert and Stewart.





From Denny: The BP Gulf oil spill is still the national conversation and the comics haven't let up on the mocking of CEO Tony Hayward or other BP execs with all the emotionally sensitivity of a boulder. And the nation's cartoonists have had a field day lampooning the oil industry. Catch up on funny Colbert and Stewart as they weigh on with their social commentary of the week! :)


Check out this week's funny videos:


Funny Video: Stewart Calls Joe Barton A 'Disdainful A--hole'

Funny Video: Stewarts Take On America's Oil Dependence

Funny Video: Colbert Examines America's Strained Relationship With England

Funny Video: Colberts Simplified Version of Obama's BP Oil Spill Speech

Funny Video: Colberts The Word, Stay the Course





From David Letterman:


Have you seen President Obama lately? People are saying he's dying his hair. Right there, that's a good use for the oil.

Last night, President Barack Obama spoke from the Oval Office about his plan to clean up the oil spill. Did you folks get a chance to see it? Yeah. Well, I'm glad that problem's behind us.

President Obama made a lot of promises that he can't possibly keep. I mean, it's like he's campaigning again, really.

He assured the nation that the gulf will be cleaned up and restored to even greater beauty and prosperity. Well, you know what that means. He's started drinking. That's the only possible explanation.

And then, right after the president's speech, Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska, said that we should not demonize the oil companies. Well, I'm glad somebody's looking out for the little guy.

And then today, the president met with BP CEO Tony Hayward, and Obama was demanding that BP clean up the gulf. And I'm thinking, good luck. They can't even clean up their gas station restrooms.

President Obama was in the gulf region again today, having lunch at a local seafood restaurant. Horrible timing. A clam coughed up a tarball.



David Letterman's "Top Ten Things Overheard During President Obama's Meeting with Tony Hayward"

10."So, what's new?"
9."Careful, you're getting oil all over the Oval Office"
8."Before I start kicking asses, would any of you like some sparkling water?"
7."Speaking of leaks, where's the men's room?"
6."Thanks for giving my administration something to worry about besides two wars, a crushing debt, global warming and the worst economy in 70 years"
5."$20 Billion? Hell, I got that on me!"
4."Tony, I forgave you the second I heard that dreamy British accent"
3."Gotta keep this short, I'm meeting with the president of Indonesia about that smoking baby" (Videotape of Smoking Baby)
2."Biden, please, enough with the vuvuzela"
1."How can we blame this on Bush and Cheney?"







From Craig Ferguson:


There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.

Obama said we need a new energy strategy, one with more alternatives, like solar power. I agree. But let's not forget about lunar power. Remember, the moon is what gives power to werewolves.

Now, I know Obama was trying to take the long view, but talking about solar energy in the middle of the oil spill is like watching your house engulfed in flames and saying, 'We really should change the curtains.'

By this point, it's not even an 'oil spill' anymore. Spill is a little accident that can easily be cleaned up. Calling this a 'spill' is like calling World War II a 'tiff.'

Obama's not the only one on the hot seat right now. The CEO of BP is taking a lot of flak. His name is Tony Hayward. Today, President Obama had a meeting with Hayward at the White House. It got off to the wrong start. Hayward arrived in a Hummer limo powered by baby seals.

I wonder how Obama began that meeting. 'Thanks for wrecking my presidency, Tony. Want a water or something?'

Hayward didn't take any questions after his White House meeting today. Probably a good thing. He's great at destroying ecosystems, but not so great at talking. Hayward has said: 'No one wants this thing over more than I do. I'd like my life back.' Tony, I'm so sorry you had your summer disrupted. I'd buy you a drink, but you'd probably spill that, too. And make me clean it up.

Now, listen. I'm not naïve about large faceless corporations who destroy everything that's beautiful. I work here at CBS.

I'm sorry the show is on later than usual. It was delayed by the president's speech about the gulf oil spill. Obama has been criticized for not doing enough. To be fair, he's been using every strategy in the book. Unfortunately, it's the same book President Bush used for Katrina.

This spill makes the Exxon Valdez look like a leaky juice box.

You know it's a real catastrophe when our biggest hope is Kevin Costner. I'm not kidding. Costner spent millions of his own money to develop a water-cleaning system that soaks up oil-tainted water and spins it around and pumps out pure water at the other end. Director James Cameron is also helping out. He offered up his fleet of private submarines. If he's serious about cleaning up the spill, why doesn't he soak it up with his 'Avatar' money?







From Jay Leno:


Well, the big story, President Obama will set aside $20 billion to pay the victims of the oil spill in the Gulf. Well, that is good news. The bad news — it still comes out to less than, like, a dollar a gallon.

These British Petroleum guys can't do anything right. The chairman of BP, Carl-Henric Svanberg, told reporters that sometimes large oil companies are greedy and don't care, but not BP. We care about the small people.' That's what he called the residents of the Gulf — 'the small people.' But to be fair, English is not the guy's first language. Money is.

See, the problem is I do believe they care about the small people. Problem is, they don't care about the big leak.

Tony Hayward. You read about this guy? He's a little weasel guy. Well, he was testifying before — why do they even call it testifying? Testi-lying, that's what it was.

Well, the sad part is, environmentalists say if this leak continues unabated, some species might become endangered, like Democrats.

And now the other oil companies are turning on BP While testifying in Washington this week, Exxon executives blamed the Gulf oil spill on lapses by BP See, that's when you know things are bad, when Exxon is lecturing you on oil safety, huh? That's like Heidi Montag saying, 'Just be yourself.'

Last night, President Obama delivered a prime time address on the oil spill. He said his administration 'has been on top of the situation since Day 51.' I mean, 'Day 1.' I'm sorry.

President Obama also declared that seafood in the gulf was safe to eat, although he said if you 'really want to be safe, eat at Long John Silver's.' Luckily, batter has not been affected by the spill.

President Obama told the residents of the Florida coastal area that he is with them for the long haul, or at least until 2012.

Well, today, President Obama met with that Tony Hayward guy and a couple of other BP executives. The meeting only lasted about 20 minutes, or, in BP terms, 10,000 barrels of oil.

China has bought more U.S. debt. They know hold over $900 billion of U.S. debt. A lot of Americans concerned about this because it's so much. Why are you concerned? It is not like we're going to pay them back.

Well, President Obama said today he's going to use the gulf disaster to immediately push a new energy bill through Congress. I got an idea. How about first using the gulf disaster to fix the gulf disaster?

Oh, and the heads of the five families — we call them 'oil companies' — testified before Congress today. It was billed as 'the tarballs versus the slimeballs.'

Well, during the testimony, the president of BP said the underwater cleanup is pretty effective. And when he was done, Congress gave him a standing ovation. Well, sure, they've never seen anybody who could lie better than they can.

You know something, if the oil industry could suck up oil the way they suck up to Congress, the gulf would have been cleaned up a month ago.

Hey, here's an amazing story. A 52-year-old construction worker — a guy from right here in California — was arrested in Pakistan today, armed with a pistol and a 40-inch sword. He said he was on a mission to capture Osama bin Laden. Hey, at least somebody's looking for the guy. Give him credit.

Well, it seems the United States has found over $1 trillion of untapped mineral deposits in Afghanistan. And here's the great part. The country comes pre-invaded. We don't have to invade again.

And besides the deposits of iron, copper, cobalt and gold, they found the largest deposit of lithium ever discovered; most of it on land controlled by tribal communities. Wait a minute. Wasn't that the plot of 'Avatar'?

Hey, have you been following what's been going on in the South Carolina Democratic primary for the Senate? This is very bizarre. A man named Alvin Greene has won the Democratic primary. But he didn't go to any campaign events, spent no money, gave no speeches, was kicked out of the Army, he's unemployed, he lives with his mother, and he's facing felony charges for showing lewd photos to students. I know. Sounds like a senator to me.

The FAA now looking into the possibility of pilotless commercial flights. I guess that they figure if they take away the leg room, the pillows, the blankets, the food, they might as well take away the pilots, too.








From Jimmy Fallon:


Yesterday during a press conference, BP chairman Carl-Henric Svanberg caused some controversy when he said BP cares about the 'small people.' Part of his new strategy — plug the hole by digging himself into a deeper one.

BP said that the comment was lost in transition from Svanberg's native Swedish to English. And the Americans were like, 'We get it. We've all tried to assemble something from IKEA. Apology accepted.'

Today in Washington, BP CEO Tony Hayward told members of Congress that his company is working to make sure that a spill like this does not happen again. And they have a great plan in place. They're going out of business.

A new poll found that Hillary Clinton is now more popular than President Obama. Hillary was like, 'Look, I don't pay attention to the silly polls like that — what were the numbers exactly?'

That's right, Hillary is more popular than Barack. They're separated by about 10 points, or roughly one billion gallons of crude oil.

BP had to stop collecting oil for a few hours yesterday after a bolt of lightning struck its ship in the gulf, causing a fire. When asked for a comment, a spokesman for BP was like, 'So that's how things could possibly get any worse.'

Today, President Obama finally met with BP's CEO, Tony Hayward, but the meeting was only scheduled 20 minutes. Call me crazy, but I think it should take more time to discuss an oil spill than it does to get your oil checked.

You guys, 'Top Chef D.C.' premieres tonight on Bravo. I love that show. But since it's in D.C., the contestants don't actually cook; they just talk about what they're going to cook in the future.

While he was in Mississippi yesterday, President Obama ate mini crab cakes, fried shrimp and shrimp salad sandwiches to show Americans that seafood from the Gulf Coast is safe to eat. And if you don't believe Obama ate all that stuff, just ask our new president, Joe Biden. He'll tell you.

President Obama also ordered a lemon-lime snow cone on the beach. A little awkward. Obama was like, 'Forget the oil spill for a minute. Can we figure out how to fix the leaks in the bottom of these paper cone things?'

Speaking of the oil spill, yesterday, BP ordered 32 oil-separating machines designed by Kevin Costner. Costner said, all along, a voice kept telling him, 'If you build it and there's a huge oil spill and the oil company and government have absolutely no idea whatsoever how to clean it up, they will come.'

The White House said today that BP is moving up its time line for containing the oil by two weeks. They said they'd get it 'done, even if they have to work six hours a day, four days a week.'

Actually, on Saturday, President Obama had a 30-minute phone call with the British prime minister, David Cameron, about the BP oil spill. The conversation was supposed to stay private, but given that it's BP, you can probably expect a few leaks.

Did you hear about this? In Afghanistan, the U.S. has discovered large deposits of iron, copper, cobalt, gold, and lithium. Or, as most people would call it, 'not Osama bin Laden.'

There's some good economic news here. Employers plan to hire 5 percent more college graduates this year than in 2009. Unfortunately, almost all these jobs involve rubber gloves, paper towels, and a one-way ticket to the Gulf of Mexico.









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