28 June 2010

Roundup of Late Night Funnies: BP Oil Spill, McChrystal Firing - 28 June 2010

*** Catch up on the latest funny jokes and funny videos from Colbert and Stewart and the late night comics along with the newest political cartoons.

From Denny: For those of us who know cats I'd definitely put General McChrystal in the Siamese category. Siamese cats like to talk all the time. They also like to bitch loudly and complain often. They are naturally aggressive and can be dangerous. They were originally bred to guard the city walls by jumping onto the backs of trespassers to snap the neck vertebrae. Sweet little kitty, come here...

The General McChrystal Firing

Meanwhile, Colbert wildly lampoons McChrystal and wonders out loud if the guy was as high as Keith Richards, another rolling stone. Some cartoonists called McChrystal a rolling stone, depicting him rolling down from Capitol Hill and the White House at a fast pace.

While I'm fine with heated disagreements I'm not fine with nasty immature attitude and reckless out of control behavior and illogical decisions that costs the lives of men in the field. I don't suffer fools gladly and this general was one serious fool. He's lucky he gets to retire as a four star general because he should be demoted. Demotion is a lot less painful than a court martial and he knows it.

Stewart and Colbert make jest of the Rolling Stone interview, especially when Stewart talks about how the other journalists - who did not gain such unprecedented access - sounded off. Actual news clips sealed his argument.

President Bill Clinton CNN interview

Of course, as the national conversation we cannot get away from the BP oil spill. Just today in a CNN interview with Wolf Blitzer in South Africa, former President Bill Clinton is advocating blowing up the well head. Well, at least he says you don't need a nuke to do it. With the planet erupting with earthquakes all over world right now, several large ones per week along the continental plates, I'm not voting for that option at this time. Enough damage has been done at the moment. Why trigger any earthquakes near America?

Mr. President, Help Louisiana Plaquemines Parish President Nungesser

Let's see where the current options take us and how well the clean-up effort progresses. Hint to the White House: Enlarge the scale of the clean-up as too much is still reaching the Louisiana marshes. Help out Parish President Billy Nungesser in Plaquemines Parish and get him some real skimmer boats to do the work instead of this makeshift shop vacuums he is using out of desperation and Cajun ingenuity. The people of Louisiana feel the President and BP are not doing all they can to get them the equipment they need to fight this oil spill, especially in the marshes and on the beaches.

Republicans continue to mock President Obama with nutjob warped comments

The Republicans continue to try and paint Obama's decision to create the escrow BP claims fund as extortion and unconstitutional. Read my lips. I don't care. The President did the right thing in an emergency situation. By allowing BP to fund it at $5 billion per year, they get to stay in business in order to be able to pay the claims. The reason Gulf Coast people are so frustrated is because of the disorganization and lack of scale for the clean up.

Cleaning up the BP oil spill off Louisiana

Our government can do a lot more and faster. Pay for what needs to be done and send BP the bill. By the way, how about procuring the past two years' worth of oil royalties that was supposed to be paid to Louisiana? Senator Landrieu tried to get Congress to take her seriously years earlier in building barrier islands off Louisiana shores for just this contingency of an oil spill and to prevent hurricane damage. Her pleas were ignored. Had Louisiana collected their oil royalties as promised two years ago, and never funded, we could have started building those barrier islands on our own.

Time to lift the oil drilling moratorium because it's strangling the American economy

This six month moratorium on deep water oil drilling may need to be lifted this month, Mr. President. While I'm loathe to lift it until safety protocols are better established and safety inspections done on all 4,000 rigs in the Gulf, well, the American economy is too fragile to continue. Already, the stopped economy has crept up into the capital city Baton Rouge area like a malaise and we are an eight hour drive from the Louisiana coast. A significantly slowed economy is spreading.

Think about it. When we slapped a moratorium on the Gulf Coast we basically screwed ourselves. Over 300,000 people were thrown out of work instantly. The national economy is not strong enough to absorb this kind of job loss. The Gulf Coast is losing over $330 million a month. Again, the American economy can't take this kind of hit. You also have to consider the fact that if this oil drilling stops any longer the price of oil will skyrocket at the pump thanks to our greedy Wall Street "friends." The rest of the country can't handle any more price hikes on anything.

Whether thousands of oil workers will migrate to Brazil is questionable. The deal is that out of all the places in the world to drill for oil, right here in the Gulf of Mexico, off American shores, is the largest deposit in the world. There is enough there to sustain us for quite some time.

Aggressive push for alternative energy

Of course, we will be revisiting alternative energy yet again in another generation. I'd really rather we get serious and start ramming the obstacles from the Republicans and Big Business and push through projects for America's energy grid. As it is, NASA has its OMEGA project of algae ocean farms that can create biofuel. That algae fuel can be used for aviation fuel, maybe car engines as well. But, of course, the oil industry has blocked their bids and denounced it as an inferior project. Yeah, right.

Time to get tough and push the new energy because it's going to take decades to get it all up to the level we need to sustain the country. This oil spill was an odd blessing because it is a wake up call to change our type and amount of energy consumption. This is where the government can create jobs at a rapid pace, transitioning thousands of the unemployed.

Fortunately, for all of us, relieving anxiety and stress, there are the late night comics who make jest of the oil spill situation. And Colbert and Stewart are just icing on the cake for added sweetness. I do enjoy British comic John Oliver too as you never know what he will say next! He will get you laughing so much you fall off your chair.

Only Colbert can so righteously "tell it like it is" - McChrystal's clearly been hitting that sweet Afghani heroin. Because you would have to be higher than Keith Richards to criticize your commander-in-chief at a time of war in front of a reporter from Rolling Stone. – Stephen Colbert on General Stanley McChrystal

Funny Videos of the week:

Funny Video: Colbert Lampoons Barton's BP Apology

Funny Video: Stewart Nails Republicans As Flip-Floppers On BP Escrow Fund

Funny Video: Colbert Says McChrystal Had To Have Been High

Funny Video: Stewart Lampoons McChrystal's Balls For An Honorable Discharge

From Jay Leno:

Well, folks, you knew it was going to happen. It was inevitable. It happened today. General Stanley McChrystal cancelled his subscription to Rolling Stone.

As you know by now, General McChrystal was summoned to the White House to explain derogatory comments he made about meeting President Obama. He told Rolling Stone magazine, when he first the President, it felt like a ten-minute photo op, to which Joe Biden said, 'Wow, you got ten minutes! What was it like?'

And it doesn't stop there. After the Rolling Stone incident, today, Obama summoned Justin Bieber to the White House for some comments he made about the President in the latest issue of Tiger Beat magazine.

Mexico has filed a brief in U.S. Federal court to stop Arizona's new immigration law. And while they're at it, they also asked the court to stop Taco Bell from calling itself Mexican food.

General McChrystal was relieved of his duties because of derogatory comments he made about President Obama and other White House staffers. In fact, when he heard that, Joe Biden was shocked and said, 'What? You can get fired for saying something stupid? What? When'd they start that? Is that new?'

President Obama said today, although he admires McChrystal's service and dedication to his country, he said, 'You don't criticize your bosses.' Okay, that's the same reason President Obama never says anything bad about the Chinese.

So, the bad news for McChrystal is he got fired for insulting the President. But the good news is, Fox said, 'We'll hire him.'

Actually, McChrystal now saying it was all a misunderstanding. He said he did make the comments in Rolling Stone but they forgot to add the 'LOL.'

The city of Los Angeles now rethinking its boycott of Arizona because the city's red light cameras are all owned by an Arizona-based company. See, red lights and speed cameras are a big source of revenue for the city. And the boycott of Arizona could mean no more red lights, no more cameras, no more tickets. I'm willing to make that sacrifice.

Tough times for relationships. Al and Tipper Gore splitting up. The bachelor couple, Jake and Vienna, they're done. Now, President Obama and General McChrystal — they're on the rocks.

Due to an explosive interview in Rolling Stone magazine, our top commander in Afghanistan, Gen. Stanley McChrystal, has been ordered home to explain why he criticized the president, made fun of Joe Biden, and called the White House staff a bunch of clowns. He should be called home. That's not the general's job. That is my job.

Well, folks, Sarah Palin has admitted she tried marijuana several years ago, but she did not like it. She said it distorted her perceptions, impaired her thinking, and she's hoping that the effects will eventually wear off.

And economists predict by this time next year, China will overtake the United States as the No. 1 country in manufacturing. But you know something, we have only ourselves to blame for this. I mean, what were we thinking — making our kids go to school? What idiots we are! Child labor, that's the key!

Because of the success of 'Toy Story 3,' Pixar is now rushing ahead with its plans to do a sequel to one of its most popular movies, presented by BP. It's BP presents 'Try Finding Nemo Now.'

Tony Hayward on a yacht. Where are the Somali pirates when you need them?

President Obama, oh, when he heard this, oh, he was furious. President Obama got so mad, he almost couldn't finish his round of golf. That's how bad it was.

Well, actually, I tell you, I think it's hurting him. President Obama is losing support from his own party over the way he's handling this BP situation. You want to know how bad it is, today, Jimmy Carter compared him to Jimmy Carter.

Sarah Palin has revealed she has tried marijuana, but she did not like it. You know, it's amazing: 200 million Americans have smoked marijuana. The only ones who don't like it seem to be elected officials. Ever notice that?

I bet that's what John McCain was smoking when he picked her. It all makes sense now. Of course!

Oh, and how stupid is this. You know, this state is so broke, they're just trying to make money any way they can. California lawmakers — this is real — are now considering a bill to allow electronic license plate frames on vehicles that will flash digital commercials. Who is this for? People who want something else to read while driving and texting?

A congressman actually apologized to BP's CEO for the way the company has been treated. How stupid are you when the CEO of BP is in the room and people think you're the moron?

To be fair, it's not easy for a lot of these congressmen. It's got to be hard to bite the hand that bribes you.

It was the 36th anniversary of the Watergate scandal, when the Republicans broke into the Democratic headquarters looking for their long-term plans and strategies. It also marks the last time anyone thought the Democrats had a plan worth stealing.

Well, the big story, President Obama will set aside $20 billion to pay the victims of the oil spill in the Gulf. Well, that is good news. The bad news — it still comes out to less than, like, a dollar a gallon.

These British Petroleum guys can't do anything right. The chairman of BP, Carl-Henric Svanberg, told reporters that sometimes large oil companies are greedy and don't care, but 'not BP. We care about the small people.' That's what he called the residents of the Gulf — 'the small people.' But to be fair, English is not the guy's first language. Money is.

See, the problem is I do believe they care about the small people. Problem is, they don't care about the big leak.

Tony Hayward. You read about this guy? He's a little weasel guy. Well, he was testifying before — why do they even call it testifying? Testi-lying, that's what it was.

Well, the sad part is, environmentalists say if this leak continues unabated, some species might become endangered, like Democrats.

And now the other oil companies are turning on BP While testifying in Washington this week, Exxon executives blamed the Gulf oil spill on lapses by BP See, that's when you know things are bad, when Exxon is lecturing you on oil safety, huh? That's like Heidi Montag saying, 'Just be yourself.'

From David Letterman:

Congressmen have been saying from the beginning that BP is either lying or grossly incompetent. Well, why can't we have both?

President Obama is in a tough spot because he fired Gen. McChrystal and right away, the Republicans blamed him for increasing unemployment.

You know about the big change in Afghanistan? General McChrystal did an interview in Rolling Stone and he was talking about how much he didn't like Joe Biden. He was talking about the Administration. He was trashing everybody. So President Obama calls the guy home from Afghanistan, and they had, like, a sit-down in the White House, in the Oval Office, today. It was very, very intimate. It was the President, it was General McChrystal, the Salahis, and that's it.

But the general, when he showed up, got a very chilly reception, kind of like I did when I came out here.

But the general is in trouble for shooting off his mouth. Once again, another hole Obama can't plug.

He's being replaced by General David Petraeus. And when Petraeus got news, he was so excited, he fainted again.

President Obama is being criticized now. Here's the problem. The British Petroleum guy, Tony Hayward, was on his yacht recently. Everybody thought, whoa, this idiot. I mean, the Gulf of Mexico is turning to asphalt and the British Petroleum guy is relaxing on his yacht. When he heard about that, President Obama was so angry, he missed a putt.

Now, in Obama's defense, people are saying, 'Wait a minute, the president has always had his own particular way of relaxing.' For example, George W. Bush had his way of relaxing. He was president. That's how he relaxed.

People are kind of upset with British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward. Over the weekend, he was out on his yacht. And when President Obama found out that Tony Hayward was on his yacht, he was so angry, he missed a putt.

In his defense, Tony twittered that the oil spill was still his top priority. And I think you know that a guy really cares when he tweets from his yacht.

Remember the Times Square bomber, Faisal Shahzad? He was in court today. And here is where the guy screwed up. He didn't count on our army of alert T-shirt vendors. And I was thinking, well, it's too bad we didn't have them in the Gulf of Mexico.

Faisal now faces a couple of charges, including attempted terrorism and conspiracy to double park.

There are rumors that the CEO of BP is saying they might go out of business. Then who will be in charge of not stopping the leak?

A couple in California got married at Home Depot. I hope they find happiness, because you can't find anything else at Home Depot.

David Letterman's "Top Ten Ways Tony Hayward Can Improve His Image" My favorites are numbers 6, 2 and definitely number 1.

10. Catch Osama
9. Contaminate waters around a country like North Korea
8. Reveal secret behind his soft and lustrous curly hair
7. Apologize on The Golf Channel
6. Shoot new BP commercial where he is viciously pecked by angry pelicans
5. Join Team Coco
4. Get a job at Poland Spring; accidentally dump a billion gallons of water into the gulf
3. Improve his image, are you kidding? He's doing great!
2. Hang out at BP station, let customers inflate his butt with air hose
1. Dial it back from "arrogant bastard" to "smug pr**k"

From Craig Ferguson:

It's a great day for former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer. He's getting his own talk show. They wanted him because they knew he could get the most out of an hour.

The new show will focus on politics and special events and everything else Spitzer wasn't doing in office.

Starting today, there is a huge rock festival in England. It is called Glastonbury. These days, every country has its own music festival. England has Glastonbury. Here, we have Lollapalooza and Coachella. In North Korea, they have the Kim Jong Ill-ith Fair.

This is the first time that two women have been on the International Space Station at the same time. That can only mean one thing: zero-gravity pillow fight." –Craig Ferguson

NASA says that there may be 100 times more water on the moon than they thought. There's so much water that BP is planning to go there and ruin it.

In Afghanistan, they have the al Qaeda Palooza. 'Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for — Kenny G-had!

From Jimmy Fallon:

The Coast Guard found a drunk man on a pool float yesterday after he drifted a mile out into the Gulf of Mexico. Authorities called the guy 'irresponsible,' while BP called him 'our best hope.'

The confirmation hearings for Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan will be shown live Monday on C-SPAN 3. You know it's going to be boring when C-SPAN 2 passes on it.

Today, President Obama fired General Stanley McChrystal, saying McChrystal showed poor judgment in his Rolling Stone interview. It turns out when it comes to criticizing the White House, the general's policy is 'just ask, and I'll tell.'

On the 'Today' show this morning, BP executive Bob Dudley said that CEO Tony Hayward is committed to BP, and BP is committed to Tony Hayward. Oh, good. Because our number one concern here is, how are you guys doing?

Larry King's oil spill telethon last night raised $1.8 million. Usually, to get that much money from Larry King, you have to divorce him.

In 2011, China will end America's 110-year run as the No. 1 manufacturing country in the world. That gives me a great idea. We should start making the one thing we know the world will always need — made in China labels.

Researchers found that most parents don't know if their preschool-aged child is overweight or obese. I think the real news here is that those are the only two options.

While the whole oil mess has been going on, President Obama spent the weekend playing golf with Vice President Biden. Biden's handicap is 16 and Obama's handicap is Biden.

"President Obama also went to the White Sox-Nationals game this weekend and actually sang 'Take Me Out to the Ball Game.' However, critics were quick to point out that while his singing sounded good, it seemed like he really didn't say anything.

And while Obama was playing golf, BP CEO Tony Hayward actually spent his weekend at a ritzy yacht race, where he watched his 52-foot yacht compete. If that's not bad enough, he was watching it from his 100-foot yacht.

It's rumored that President Obama's chief of staff, Rahm Emanuel, will leave the White House at the end of the year. He says the work is important to him, but he wants to spend more time screaming at his family.

I'm not going to do any jokes about oil spill-related news, because I thought it might be nice to just pretend for a few minutes that the oil spill isn't happening. You know, kind of like BP does.

Yesterday during a press conference, BP chairman Carl-Henric Svanberg caused some controversy when he said BP cares about the 'small people.' Part of his new strategy — plug the hole by digging himself into a deeper one.

BP said that the comment was lost in transition from Svanberg's native Swedish to English. And the Americans were like, 'We get it. We've all tried to assemble something from IKEA. Apology accepted.'

Today in Washington, BP CEO Tony Hayward told members of Congress that his company is working to make sure that a spill like this does not happen again. And they have a great plan in place. They're going out of business.

While testifying before Congress yesterday, BP CEO Tony Hayward called the oil spill a 'complex accident caused by an unprecedented combination of failures.' Then he realized he was reading notes left on the stand by a Goldman Sachs executive.

And to the passing of 92 year old Senator Robert Byrd of West Virginia:

From Jimmy Kimmel:

The iPhone 4 is $499 to buy outright, $199 to upgrade your existing iPhone, and if you don't want one at all, it's $99.

Sarah Palin called marijuana a 'minimal problem' in America. She admitted that she herself has tried pot, which could explain some of the things she has said over the years. It's all baked Alaska talk.

Congressional antics and posturing over Supreme Court nominees:

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