07 June 2010

Roundup of Late Night Comedy - 7 June 2010

*** Check out what the late night comics have to say about the BP oil spill and all the other craziness in the world and America. Laugh at 4 videos!

And just in today from Denny's news desk - Scientists are excited that a new species has been discovered in the Gulf of Mexcio: the BP oil shark, impervious to oil spills and hungry for tasty dining on BP oil execs... Louisiana residents rush to buy the new sharks.

From Denny: While we all wade through America's environmental and economic disasters, come laugh with me! If we don't laugh we will just end up crying. Besides, there is just something about laughing that gives you an energy boost and the timing could not be more perfect at the beginning of the week. THe BP oil spill cartoons are outstanding this week and the video clips are real grinners. There was even this great work quote from comedian George Carlin from one of my Twitter friends today I just knew you would enjoy! :)

*** Funny Work Quote: Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. - George Carlin

Funny Videos: Stewart and Colbert Lampoon Reporter Helen Thomas

Funny Video: Jon Stewart Lampoons Glenn Beck About Exclusive Israeli Raid News

Funny Video: Lampooning Racists Gone Wild Horrified Teaching Chinese Language

From Jay Leno:

Using electron microscopes, scientists have now discovered the slowest moving thing on Earth. Turns out, it's the White House responding to the oil spill.

How about this BP — this BP CEO, what's his name? Tony Haywire? This guy, oh, man. Making Wile E. Coyote look like a genius, isn't he?

According to BP, this containment cap is now capturing, they're capturing 10,000 barrels of oil a day. Which is amazing, considering they said it was only leaking 1,000 barrels a day.

BP officials are now saying the campaign to clean it up could last until fall. That's why they call it a campaign. You know why it's called a campaign? Because it's like an election. It's dirty, it's slimy, it never seems to end.

BP — they are spending $50 million on an advertisement budget to try and put a PR spin on this whole thing. Like, you hear what they said today? This is unbelievable. They said fishermen down there are catching tuna that are getting 35 miles per gallon.

ABC just announced who's going to be the next contestant on 'The Bachelor.' Surprisingly, Al Gore.

Were you sad to learn that Al Gore and his wife, Tipper — I was. I was a little sad about that. Yeah, according to the report, the two are 'separating amicably after a long process of careful consideration.' You know, even his divorce is boring.

Would you have ever guessed that Bill and Hillary would turn out to be Washington's happiest married couple?

Rush Limbaugh got married for the fourth time on Saturday. He's 59; she's 33. So, I'm doing the math. That means when she's 40, he'll be on wife No. 7.

White House reporter Helen Thomas is retiring after making some quite controversial comments about Israel. She said Jews should leave the Middle East and go back to where they came from. The problem is that's where they came from.

A new study shows that language programs in U.S. schools are lagging behind. Not enough kids are learning foreign languages in America. In fact, here in LA, the schools have cut foreign language classes completely. Did you know that? Everyone just speaks Spanish now.

The Gulf oil spill, now officially the worst in U.S. history. In fact, they're calling this the biggest environmental disaster since the State of New Jersey.

As you know, we're right in the middle of a process called 'top kill.' Doesn't it sound like some bad Steven Seagal movie from the '80s?

BP says if 'top kill' fails, they'll try something called the 'junk shot.' Hey, worked last night for the Lakers.

Well, there's a big new scandal going on. Have you heard about this? Republicans are now saying that President Obama had Bill Clinton offer a job to Pennsylvania's Joe Sestak in exchange for dropping out of the Pennsylvania Senate race against Arlen Specter. It's kind of complicated. But if it's true, it's an impeachable offense. That's what they're saying. They're comparing it to the Clinton impeachment. Close, but no cigar.

It's been a rough day in the stock market. It's so bad, today, President Obama had to lay off two teleprompters.

The economy is so bad, Joe Biden had to cash in his swear jar.

The economy is so bad, I saw the governor of Arizona eating at Taco Bell.

Well, folks, here's the latest update. I guess this is good news. BP officials say the 'top kill' plan is working. The bad news — BP officials are a bunch of lying weasels.

British Petroleum is still trying to minimize the PR damage. You know what they said today? They said all the oil that spilled this month is on the house. No charge.

Obama looked pretty mad, if you watched his press conference today. President Obama said the head the Federal agency in charge of regulating the oil company is no longer there, but he didn't know if she resigned or if she was fired. Didn't know if she resigned or was fired. I got a better idea. How about arrested? Let's try that.

From David Letterman:

They nabbed a couple of terrorists right here at JFK. And these guys have been training to become terrorists. They go to JFK, and they are boarding separate flights and they are going to go to Egypt and meet some buddies of theirs in Somalia. And I said well, no red flags there.

To give you an idea now the level, the quality of training that the terrorists are getting: These two guys trained every weekend to become terrorists by playing paint ball. If they got really good at paint ball, Al Qaeda would let them plant a bomb in a go-kart.

Al Gore and his wife, longtime married couple, are separating. Tipper Gore. And they may get a divorce. Apparently what happened, they experienced global cooling.

James Cameron has volunteered to go down to the Gulf of Mexico and consult. I love it when a guy who's an expert in fake disasters gets involved. And if that doesn't work, they're going to contact Superman and he's going to weld the pipe with his X-ray vision.

The oil spill is getting bad. There is so much oil and tar now in the Gulf of Mexico, Cubans can now walk to Miami.

Here now the official Rush Limbaugh wedding announcement. Rush Limbaugh wed Kathryn Rogers in a quiet Florida ceremony on Saturday. The bridegroom is a controversial radio host and an influential opinion leader in the conservative movement in the United States. The bride is clearly insane.

David Letterman's "Top Ten Things Overheard At Rush Limbaugh's Wedding"

10. "Is this my fourth of fifth wedding?"
9. "Mrs. Palin, please, enough with the celebratory gunfire"
8. "Do you take this woman to be your future ex-wife?"
7. "Oh crap. I'm sitting next to Bill O'Reilly"
6. "They have a tent in case it rains. No wait, those are Rush's pants"
5. "Oh crap. I'm sitting next to Sean Hannity"
4. "I missed the bridal bouquet, but I hope to catch the prenup"
3. "Oh crap. I'm sitting next to Ann Coulter"
2. "It's ironic that a guy named 'Rush' takes 20 minutes to walk down the aisle"
1. "Did he just eat the whole cake?"

... Or in DP (Denny's Parlance) BP stands for Bumbling Pricks...

From Bill Maher:

After 40 years, Al and Tipper Gore have split up. Nobody knows why, but there is a rumor today that Al came home early last week and found another man's carbon footprints.

They could tell he was lonely as of late because when he'd hug a tree, he'd linger. – on Al Gore

Rush Limbaugh is getting married this weekend for the fourth time … It's a traditional wedding. Well, not that traditional. They say instead of throwing rice, throw Vicodin.

A very romantic moment at the White House yesterday. Did you see Paul McCartney? He sang Michelle to Michelle Obama. That went over great. But then his other choice of songs, in light of what's going on with the President, he sang, 'Fixing a Hole,' 'Octopus' Garden, ''Yellow Submarine.'

They came out with this jobs report. This is terrible, all the new jobs it turns out are Census jobs, temporary Census jobs. The bright side: Those skill you learn as a Census taker going door to door, could launch a lucrative career as a Jehovah's Witness.

The alarming thing is that the numbers say that a lot of people have just given up looking for work entirely. And Obama tried to lift people's spirits today. He said, 'It could be worse, you could be a pelican.'

People want (Obama) to be madder. His press secretary said he was enraged today. He was on Larry King, last night, and he said, "I am furious.' He said 'I am so angry, I have asked Rahm Emanuel to unleash a string of obscenities on my behalf.'

BP was kind of bragging about it today … the top hat. Oh yeah, they put a top hat on it, was collecting about 6% of the oil. Yes, they found a solution that stops as much oil as the margin of error. It lets 94% of the oil through. It was built by the same people who built the Mexican border fence.

New Rule: Al and Tipper Gore can't split up the same week as Heidi breaks up with Spencer. Unless they swap. Al and Heidi would be perfect together. He won the popular vote but lost the election, and she can't count. He wants to change the world and she can't move her face.

The president finally arrived on the Gulf Coast today to survey the damage. I thought this was telling, while he was there, FEMA arrived for Katrina. ... And George Bush saw him on TV. He called him up and said, 'You're doing a heck of a job, Brownie.'

Sarah Palin weighed in on her Facebook page. She demanded that Obama 'plug the damn hole.' You first, Sarah.

From Jimmy Kimmel:

President Obama today met with Arizona Governor Jan Brewer to talk about illegal immigration. Governor Brewer surprised everyone in this meeting by having the President deported.

From Craig Ferguson:

Rush Limbaugh got married over the weekend. This is actually his fourth marriage; he blames the first three breakups on Obama.

You know who sang at Rush Limbaugh's wedding? Elton John! According to Rush, gay people can sing at weddings. Just not their own.

With e-mails and texting and Twitter, we don't use paper anymore. We're become a paperless society, except perhaps in Arizona.

Sir Paul McCartney played at the White House last night. He dedicated the Beatles song 'Michelle' to the First Lady. Isn't that lovely? And then for Joe Biden, he played 'Fool on the Hill.'

From Jimmy Fallon:

Today, President Obama spoke at Kalamazoo's central high school graduation ceremony in Michigan. He told the students they could be anything they want to be, but if they could be oil leak experts, that could be great.

B.P.'s CEO Tony Hayward said yesterday that he will not step down over the gulf oil coast spill. Yeah, he said, 'I mean, it's not like I let one of the biggest ecological disasters in history happen. Oh, I did? Well, at least my first attempt at cleaning it up worked.'

Even though he's not stepping down, Tony Hayward is handing over responsibility to the cleanup to an American named Bob Dudley. There's a name that gives me confidence. It sounds like a sitcom character who's always messing everything up.

It was just announced that President Obama is going to visit India this November in response to Prime Minister Singh's invitation. So, mostly, he's going over there to visit our jobs.

This week, Vice President Joe Biden is on the first leg of his African tour which includes visits to Egypt, Kenya and South Africa. The second leg of the tour will be when he goes back to all of the countries to apologize for everything he said during the first leg.

Veteran White House reporter Helen Thomas has just resigned after she said Israelis should get quote, 'get the hell out of Palestine.' Thomas hasn't been in this much trouble since she told President Lincoln to stop whining and put a band-aid on it.

Congratulations to Rush Limbaugh, who got married for the fourth time on Saturday. It was so romantic — so romantic. First, the couple wrote their own vows and then they wrote their own prescriptions.

Today, President Obama flew to Louisiana to see the gulf cleanup effort firsthand. And it was just like President Bush's trip to Louisiana, except Obama actually landed.

Obama called the Gulf Coast oil spill 'an assault on our shores.' And then he said the same thing about fat dudes in Speedos.

This is a crazy story. An American adventurist strapped himself to a bunch of helium balloons and floated from England to France. Immediately afterward, people in Mexico asked, 'Exactly how many balloons?'

A new study found that the average person has lost an hour of sleep at night during the recession. Luckily, most of them can just sleep in late the next day.

An American adventurer strapped himself to a bunch of helium balloons and floated from England to France. Immediately afterwards, people in Mexico asked 'Exactly how many balloons?

A new poll found that 43 percent of Americans think President Obama is doing a good job at handling the BP oil spill. Of course, the same poll found that 43 percent of Americans hate pelicans.

And today at a press conference, Obama said that the government does not have better technology than BP. That's a nice thing to announce to the world, that our government has fewer resources than a company that tried to plug a hole with a 'top hat.'

In fact, President Obama fired the head of the Mineral Management Services, because of lack of oversight of offshore oil rigs. It's got to be tough finding another job after that. It's like, 'I see you were head of the department in charge of preventing oil spills? And this was during the huge oil spill?' 'Yeah, that's right.' 'You may not be Wendy's material.

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