14 June 2010

Roundup of Late Night Funnies - 14 June 2010

*** Start your work week off right and catch up on the late night jokes, latest political cartoons and funny videos from social commentators Colbert and Stewart.

From Denny: Whew! The cartoonists keep cranking out these political cartoons about BP that a blogger can barely keep up! :) Lots of funny video clips from funny Colbert who is as irreverent as ever - and I wouldn't have him any other way. While we are waiting to solve this mess in the Gulf off my state of Louisiana it sure helps to laugh just to keep our heads screwed on straight.

Oh, and BP continues to top the list for the Bozo Sapien Award of the week, now 56 days runnings. Quite the "un-accomplishment," don't you think? Not exactly what every CEO wants on his resume but, as a Louisiana blogger, I'm happy to oblige. :) Enjoy the late night guys as the BP oil spill continues to dominate the American conversation.

Funny Videos

Funny Video: Obama Embarks on AssQuest 2010

Funny Colbert Video: BP CEO Tony Hayward Is an Evil Box of Priggish Entitled Baking Soda

Funny Colbert Video: BP Perplexed Stock Value Sinks

Funny Video: Colbert Doles Out Advice For Helen Thomas

From Jimmy Fallon:

A few days ago, Vice President Biden and Rahm Emanuel had a water gun fight during a party at Biden's house. Meanwhile, Sasha and Malia spent the last few days trying to solve the BP oil crisis.

Here's a little bit of good news. The Coast Guard says that BP is now catching up to 630,000 gallons of oil a day. The bad news is that they're capturing it with ducks.

Tonight, the Obamas invited members of Congress to a picnic at the White House. Yeah. They played all the classic picnic games — Wiffle ball, capture the flag and their favorite game, ignore the oil spill.

This afternoon, President Obama met with Bill Gates at the White House to discuss energy reform. It was very cool. Bill Gates offered to plug the Gulf Coast oil leak with five billion unsold Zunes.

Yesterday, Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke said the economy appears to be on track to continue to expand through this year and next. And then he said, 'And you can take that to one of the remaining banks.'

The Obamas' picnic featured foods from all over the four corners of the U.S., the Pacific Northwest provided the wild salmon and strawberries and the southern gulf coast provided 400 million gallons of salad dressing.

Today, President Obama spoke at Kalamazoo's central high school graduation ceremony in Michigan. He told the students they could be anything they want to be, but if they could be oil leak experts, that could be great.

B.P.'s CEO Tony Hayward said yesterday that he will not step down over the gulf oil coast spill. Yeah, he said, 'I mean, it's not like I let one of the biggest ecological disasters in history happen. Oh, I did? Well, at least my first attempt at cleaning it up worked.'

Even though he's not stepping down, Tony Hayward is handing over responsibility to the cleanup to an American named Bob Dudley. There's a name that gives me confidence. It sounds like a sitcom character who's always messing everything up.

It was just announced that President Obama is going to visit India this November in response to Prime Minister Singh's invitation. So, mostly, he's going over there to visit our jobs.

You guys heard about Al Gore and Tipper splitting up? Everybody is talking about it. Everyone's blogging about this, and now there are reports online that his daughter and her husband are splitting up. I bet this is the one week where Al Gore wishes he didn't invent the Internet.

Senator John McCain actually tweeted to Snooki from 'Jersey Shore,' an MTV program, after she complained about the tanning bed tax in the new health care law. But, unfortunately, Snooki never got the message because McCain tweeted it off his electric razor.

This week, Vice President Joe Biden is on the first leg of his African tour which includes visits to Egypt, Kenya and South Africa. The second leg of the tour will be when he goes back to all of the countries to apologize for everything he said during the first leg.

Veteran White House reporter Helen Thomas has just resigned after she said Israelis should get quote, 'get the hell out of Palestine.' Thomas hasn't been in this much trouble since she told President Lincoln to stop whining and put a band-aid on it.

Congratulations to Rush Limbaugh, who got married for the fourth time on Saturday. It was so romantic — so romantic. First, the couple wrote their own vows and then they wrote their own prescriptions.

From Jimmy Kimmel:

The BP oil spill turned 50 days old today. If you get it a cake, don’t light the candles.

The spill has lasted longer, cost more, and destroyed more wildlife than Sarah Palin.

From Craig Ferguson:

A great day for President Obama. He addressed a group of senior citizens in Maryland today. He's pitching his health care bill. According to a poll, half the seniors thought the president was convincing, 30 percent thought he was unconvincing, and the rest thought he was Will Smith.

It was on this day in 1934 the first Donald Duck cartoon premiered. He's 76 years old. You'd think if America loved a 76-year-old guy with a hot temper so much, we would have elected John McCain.

Rush Limbaugh got married over the weekend. This is actually his fourth marriage; he blames the first three breakups on Obama.

You know who sang at Rush Limbaugh's wedding? Elton John! According to Rush, gay people can sing at weddings. Just not their own.

With e-mails and texting and Twitter, we don't use paper anymore. We're become a paperless society, except perhaps in Arizona.

From Jay Leno:

BP, which of course stands for 'Born Polluted,' is spending $50 million on a PR campaign to make themselves look good. In fact, they said they would burn the midnight oil if they hadn't spilled it.

According to a new report, BP has the worst safety record of all the oil companies. They've paid over $372 million in fines. Oh, they don't call them fines. They call them 'campaign contributions.'

Voter turnout here in California, all-time historic low. In fact, the polling places near my house had so few people they actually turned it into a Blockbuster video store.

Today, the White House announced they have come up with a cheap, effective solution for illegal immigration. They're going to have Helen Thomas on the border, yelling, 'Go back to Mexico! Go back to where you came from! Get out!'

Seems Hall and Oates have canceled an upcoming concert in Arizona to protest the state's new immigration law. Well, that will teach Arizona a lesson, huh? Let's see how long they can go without Hall and Oates!

Now, apparently, Hall and Oates were worried Arizona authorities would make them go back to where they came from — the '70s.

BP is now saying they've captured anywhere from 35 percent to 75 percent of the oil that is gushing out of the well. Of course, you've got to keep in mind they usually lie anywhere from 85 percent to 95 percent of the time.

Women won big in California, Arkansas, Nevada and South Carolina. These are exciting times. I can remember when only rich white men could buy elections. Now women can buy them, too.

Looks like this Gore divorce could end up being pretty costly. In fact, Al Gore now talking about only trying to save half the planet.

Al Gore and his wife are getting divorced. After 40 years of marriage, it's kind of sad. Apparently what happened was, I guess, she walked in, caught him boring another woman.

There are signs the divorce is starting to get ugly. In fact, today, Tipper stopped recycling and bought a Humvee.

It's amazing to me, the new unemployment figures are not good. A lot of people out of work, yet somehow the CEO of British Petroleum still manages to keep his job.

In an interview on NBC, President Obama said today he would've fired BP CEO Tony Hayward if he worked for him. But unfortunately, as you know, the White House works for BP.

This Tony Haywire guy, whatever his name is, he told the BBC on Sunday that he believes the new oil cap that they've installed will eventually capture the vast majority of oil spewing from the well. You know, if they could capture half the BS spewing from Tony Hayward, people would be thrilled.

BP CEO Tony Hayward said he would just like to get his life back. He wants to get his life back. You know, I say give him life plus 20.

The only commercial airline in Iraq, Iraqi Airways, folded this week. The CEO of Iraqi Airlines said the company could not survive in a market where everybody in the country is on the no-fly list.

Using electron microscopes, scientists have now discovered the slowest moving thing on Earth. Turns out, it's the White House responding to the oil spill.

How about this BP — this BP CEO, what's his name? Tony Haywire? This guy, oh, man. Making Wile E. Coyote look like a genius, isn't he?

According to BP, this containment cap is now capturing, they're capturing 10,000 barrels of oil a day. Which is amazing, considering they said it was only leaking 1,000 barrels a day.

BP officials are now saying the campaign to clean it up could last until fall. That's why they call it a campaign. You know why it's called a campaign? Because it's like an election. It's dirty, it's slimy, it never seems to end.

BP — they are spending $50 million on an advertisement budget to try and put a PR spin on this whole thing. Like, you hear what they said today? This is unbelievable. They said fishermen down there are catching tuna that are getting 35 miles per gallon.

ABC just announced who's going to be the next contestant on 'The Bachelor.' Surprisingly, Al Gore.

Were you sad to learn that Al Gore and his wife, Tipper — I was. I was a little sad about that. Yeah, according to the report, the two are 'separating amicably after a long process of careful consideration.' You know, even his divorce is boring.

Would you have ever guessed that Bill and Hillary would turn out to be Washington's happiest married couple?

Rush Limbaugh got married for the fourth time on Saturday. He's 59; she's 33. So, I'm doing the math. That means when she's 40, he'll be on wife No. 7.

White House reporter Helen Thomas is retiring after making some quite controversial comments about Israel. She said Jews should leave the Middle East and go back to where they came from. The problem is that's where they came from.

A new study shows that language programs in U.S. schools are lagging behind. Not enough kids are learning foreign languages in America. In fact, here in LA, the schools have cut foreign language classes completely. Did you know that? Everyone just speaks Spanish now.

From David Letterman:

Yesterday, British Petroleum stock dropped $17 billion in value. And the executives at British Petroleum say they have no idea what happened. I kind of have an idea. I kind of think maybe I got a hunch.

But here's the good news. Actor Kevin Costner was testifying before Congress earlier today. And he has come up with a way to separate oil from seawater. And so he was telling the congressmen all about it. And previously, Kevin Costner developed a process to separate moviegoers from their money.

But British Petroleum, they're getting desperate, so here is what they are going to do to improve their public image: With every 100,000 gallons of oil that leaks, you get a free NFL team glass.

At one time, Barack Obama lived in New York City. Obama hasn't lived in this apartment here in New York City since 1981, but oddly enough, it's still where he picks up his Pottery Barn catalogs.

You remember the guy who tried to blow up his car in Times Square? Now, they arrested a couple of guys in New Jersey who were also going to be terrorists, and they trained to become terrorists. Every week, they would play paintball. Next step, honestly, was laser tag.

Sarah Palin is now saying that President Obama needs to make sure that these oil companies act ethically and responsibly. This from a woman who shoots wolves from a helicopter.

You know who performed at the Rush Limbaugh wedding? Elton John. Isn't that amazing. It proves that there's absolutely no ideological gap that a million-dollar check can't bridge.

In 2005, Hurricane Katrina wreaked havoc on the Gulf of Mexico. In 2010, the gulf was devastated by the largest offshore oil spill in U.S. history, but the fun is just beginning. The governors of the Gulf Coast states are pleased to announce they are now accepting bids for the next disaster to hit the region in 2015. Will it be a volcanic eruption, an earthquake, an avalanche, killer bees, a meteor, piranhas, zombies or high-frequency sound waves?

They nabbed a couple of terrorists right here at JFK. And these guys have been training to become terrorists. They go to JFK, and they are boarding separate flights and they are going to go to Egypt and meet some buddies of theirs in Somalia. And I said well, no red flags there.

To give you an idea now the level, the quality of training that the terrorists are getting: These two guys trained every weekend to become terrorists by playing paint ball. If they got really good at paint ball, Al Qaeda would let them plant a bomb in a go-kart.

Al Gore and his wife, longtime married couple, are separating. Tipper Gore. And they may get a divorce. Apparently what happened, they experienced global cooling.

James Cameron has volunteered to go down to the Gulf of Mexico and consult. I love it when a guy who's an expert in fake disasters gets involved. And if that doesn't work, they're going to contact Superman and he's going to weld the pipe with his X-ray vision.

The oil spill is getting bad. There is so much oil and tar now in the Gulf of Mexico, Cubans can now walk to Miami.

Here now the official Rush Limbaugh wedding announcement. Rush Limbaugh wed Kathryn Rogers in a quiet Florida ceremony on Saturday. The bridegroom is a controversial radio host and an influential opinion leader in the conservative movement in the United States. The bride is clearly insane.

David Letterman's "Top Ten Things Overheard At Rush Limbaugh's Wedding"

10. "Is this my fourth of fifth wedding?"
9. "Mrs. Palin, please, enough with the celebratory gunfire"
8. "Do you take this woman to be your future ex-wife?"
7. "Oh crap. I'm sitting next to Bill O'Reilly"
6. "They have a tent in case it rains. No wait, those are Rush's pants"
5. "Oh crap. I'm sitting next to Sean Hannity"
4. "I missed the bridal bouquet, but I hope to catch the prenup"
3. "Oh crap. I'm sitting next to Ann Coulter"
2. "It's ironic that a guy named 'Rush' takes 20 minutes to walk down the aisle"
1. "Did he just eat the whole cake?"

*** Bozo Sapien Photo by I'm Fantastic @ flickr

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