23 June 2010

Funny Lawyer Quotes and Jokes - Cheeky Quote Day 23 June 2010

*** Laugh at all the funny lawyer jokes, the funny true quotes from courtrooms and funny quotes about lawyers.




A lawyer's office with a sense of humor. Hmmm... truth in advertising?


From Denny: Awww... it's the hot muggy summer here on the Gulf Coast and what else do we have to do but mock all the hundreds of lawyers coming here to bleed money from BP? The lawyers of today are a far cry from the old TV series of Perry Mason when they were people of good character who fought for "the little guy." Now, it's all about greed, corruption and taking advantage of the little guy, for those same lawyers work primarily for Big Business and Big Banks.

The worm has turned for the moment as the lawyers descend en masse on Louisiana smelling huge class action lawsuits with loads of juicy cash in it for them. Whether the "small people" - as BP likes to classify Americans - will actually see more than a few hundred dollars for years of effort remains to be seen. Trial attorneys these days are taking up to 40 percent or more of the settlement check.

In recent polls, attorneys are the most despised group in America because of their harassment tactics as debt collectors, collecting for Big Banks on credit card debt when someone finds themselves unemployed for a number of months in this economy. Home foreclosures surely does nothing to lighten the mood of Americans' attitude toward callous attorneys. Sure glad I decided to pass on law school, though my interest was in children's rights. Yeah, another bleeding heart liberal who cares about other people's kids.

Meanwhile, back at the Cheeky Quote Day ranch, I found all kinds of funny fodder about attorneys. Check out the hilarious and true quotes from actual courtrooms, put up on the web by a court reporter who could not believe some of the silliness said by attorneys. The witnesses were often funny in their replies.

And the lawyer jokes are superb! It was all I could do not to start a weekly column devoted just to lawyer jokes I found so many. :)






Quotes About Lawyers:


* Lawyer: An individual whose principal role is to protect his clients from others of his profession. - Anonymous

* Lawyers spend a great deal of their time shoveling smoke. - Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

* It is better to be a mouse in a cat’s mouth than a man in a lawyer’s hands. - Spanish Proverb

* When two dogs fight for a bone, and the third runs off with it, there’s a lawyer among the dogs. - German Proverb

* The good lawyer is the great salesman. - former Attorney General Janet Reno

* A Lawyer will do anything to win a case, sometimes he will even tell the truth. - Patrick Murray

* A lawyer with a briefcase can steal more than a thousand men with guns. - Mario Puzo, from the God Father

* A lawyer is never entirely comfortable with a friendly divorce, anymore than a good mortician wants to finish his job and then have the patient sit up on the table. - Jean Kerr

* Anybody who thinks talk is cheap should get some legal advice. - Franklin P. Jones

* Make crime pay. Become a Lawyer. - Will Rogers

* A man without money needs no more fear a crowd of lawyers than a crowd of pickpockets. - R. Rinkle

* Law is not a profession at all, but rather a business service station and repair ship. - Adlai Stevenson

* And the ultimate lawyer quote is "America is the paradise of lawyers." - David J. Brewer

* The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers. - William Shakespeare








The lawyer one-liners are especially funny...

Actual Courtroom Quotes:


* Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?"
Witness: "By death."
Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?"


* Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?"
The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.


* Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?"
Witness: "July 15th."
Lawyer: "What year?"
Witness: "Every year."


* Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?"
Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask."
Lawyer: "What was he wearing under the mask?"
Witness: "Er...his face."


* Lawyer: "This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "And in what ways does it affect your memory?"
Witness: "I forget."
Lawyer: "You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?"


* Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?"
Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"
Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?"
Witness: "My name is Susan."


* Lawyer: "Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?"
Witness: "Yes, sir."
Lawyer: "What did she say?"
Witness: "'What disco am I at?'"


* Lawyer: "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"


* Lawyer: "And you check your radar unit frequently?"
Officer: "Yes, I do."
Lawyer: "And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?"
Officer: "Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly."


* Lawyer: "What happened then?"
Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"
Witness: "No."


* Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"
Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."


* Lawyer: "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"


* Lawyer: "So you were gone until you returned?"


* Lawyer: "Were you alone or by yourself?"


* Lawyer: "Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?"


* Lawyer: "Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?"


* Lawyer: "So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?"
Witness: "I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital."
Lawyer: "It was covered?"
Witness: "Yes, bandaged."
Lawyer: "Then, later on...what did you see?"
Witness: "I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head."


* Lawyer: "Could you see him from where you were standing?"
Witness: "I could see his head."
Lawyer: "And where was his head?"
Witness: "Just above his shoulders."


* Lawyer: "Have you lived in this town all your life?"
Witness: "Not yet."


* Lawyer: "You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?"


* Lawyer: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
Witness: "I went to Europe, sir."
Lawyer: "And you took your new wife?"


* Lawyer: "Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Eddington at the Rose Chapel?"
Witness: "It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30pm."
Lawyer: "And Mr. Eddington was dead at the time, is that correct?"


* Lawyer: "Are you married?"
Witness: "No, I'm divorced."
Lawyer: "And what did your husband do before you divorced him?"
Witness: "A lot of things I didn't know about."


* Lawyer: "Did he pick the dog up by the ears?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "What was he doing with the dog's ears?"
Witness: "Picking them up in the air."
Lawyer: "Where was the dog at this time?"
Witness: "Attached to the ears."


* Lawyer: "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?"
Other Lawyer: "Objection. That question should be taken out and shot."


* Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."






Funny Attorney Jokes:


The Attorney Afterlife


An attorney passed on and found himself in heaven, but not at all happy with his accommodations. He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment.

The attorney immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting at least three years before his appeal could be heard.

The attorney protested that a three year wait was unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf ears. The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him that he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days, if the attorney was willing to change venue to Hell.

When the attorney asked why appeals could be heard so much sooner in Hell, he was told, "We have all of the judges."







The Young Attorney on Vacation


For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."







The Snake and The Rabbit


A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the point where the pathways meet. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.

When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.

The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was.

The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.

The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!"

The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!"







A Lawyer Dies and Visits St. Peter Outside Heaven


The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins:

1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were guilty.

2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.

3) Overcharging fees to many clients.

4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case.

And the list goes on for quite awhile. The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case.

He admits all these things, but argues, "Wait, I've done some charity in my life also."

St. Peter looks in his book and says,"Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?"

The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, "Yes."

St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell."





A Sleepy Juror


A lawyer was well into a lengthy cross-examination of a witness, stopped and said: "I object, Your Honor! One of the jurors is asleep."

The Judge ruled: "You put him to sleep. You wake him up."







The Unusual Defense


A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled. So, wasting no time, with his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.





How a Lawyer Interviews For A Job


An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation.

The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?"

The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four."

The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research.

After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced "Four."

The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked "How much do you want it to be?"



*** See Also: Funny Legal News Story: The Case of a Contraceptives Misstaken Use


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