10 May 2010

Roundup of Late Night Funnies - 10 May 2010

You know that hurt!

From Denny: This week the news has focused upon the unfolding environmental disaster in the Gulf of Mexico off my Louisiana coast. The reason the BP oil spill is such a danger to Louisiana over the other Gulf states is because our shoreline is very jagged, full of marshlands that are habitats to wildlife. Those marshlands act as a barrier to slow down fierce hurricanes before they reach land. Those marshlands are also home to some good fishing that will be completely destroyed if the oil makes its way into those jagged areas. The oil will be too difficult to clean up in those areas. Fortunately, the Coast Guard is working feverishly by dumping tons of sand to plug the areas from the Gulf into the marshlands. It erodes as soon as they dump sand but it's better than nothing at all. You have to admire the effort as it may buy some time as clean up continues.

The comedians are not saying anything we aren't saying in Louisiana to joke about it. For the past several weeks, when there was a ban placed on fishing in the Gulf, diners have flocked to their favorite seafood restaurants like vultures on roadkill. There is some stock in freezers but when that runs out there won't be any more Louisiana Gulf shrimp, oysters or other fishes available.

One of the restaurant jokes around here in south Louisiana is there is a couple seated at a table in a fine dining restaurant. The server approaches the table with towel folded over his arm, ready to serve wine, and a pen and pad to take their order. The server proceeds to tick off the specials of the night to the couple when the man asks, "I suppose what you mean by blackened shrimp is that it's the chef who does the blackening, right?" Ah, BP oil spill humor...

The comics also lampooned the Time Square Bomber and Arizona immigration in relation to Cinco de Mayo holiday.

Be sure to check out these funny videos from this week:

Funny Video: Colbert Lampoons Conservative Preacher and His Rentboy

Funny Video: Stewart Slams Media, BP, And Hypocritical Politicians For Oil Spill Response

Funny Video: 2010 White House Correspondents Dinner with Prez Obama

From David Letterman:

You folks been following the big British Petroleum oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? I'm telling you, British Petroleum has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders.

I was thinking about this. Here's what I came up with. Now, in Arizona, you know about the new immigration law, where if you don't look like you belong there, they can run you out of the state? And they've got patrol cars driving around, pulling up to people, saying: 'You don't look like you belong here. Get out!' So the deal is, in Arizona, they don't like immigrants. And I was thinking, well, that's odd, because right across the river there in California, they elected one governor.

David Letterman's "Top Ten Things Overheard At BP Headquarters"

10. 'Huh?'
9. 'Happy Cinco de Mayo. 'Nother margarita?'
8. 'We got a nice thank you note from the Toyota people'
7. 'Any way we can pin this on the Times Square bomber?'
6. 'We just got a nice thank you note from the Goldman Sachs people.'
5. 'I hope they get Robert Wagner to play me in the TV movie.'
4. 'One day, 10,000 years from now, we'll be able to look back on this and laugh.'
3. 'Let me tell you something, you can't buy this kind of publicity.'
2. 'Tell everybody it's our free oil giveaway bonanza.'
1. 'Everyone gets a bonus.'

This bombing plot here in Times Square is upsetting. Are we more upset about that than the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? Which do we hate worse? I think you've got to go with the oil spill. British petroleum, these boobs running this operation, they said: 'O.K., now wait a minute. It's just going to be a P.R. nightmare. What can we do? We'll give everybody a free tank of gas. All you have to do is drive your car right down next to the Gulf of Mexico.'

But BP plans to pay for the cleanup. Then they're going to ask for the bailout.

But they say the oil spill has the potential to kill more wildlife than a Sarah Palin hunting trip.

So it's British Petroleum, or BP. BP, of course, as in broken pipe.

Yeah, they plucked a guy off a plane. His name is Faisal Shahzad. They say he was a moody loner. Last year, he vacationed in the tribal regions of Pakistan. Well, no red flags there.

Mayor Bloomberg held a press conference. He described the bomb because everybody thought, wow, this is frightening. This is crazy. But the mayor said, no, the bomb was crude and amateurish. That's what a lot of people are saying about last night's show.

But don't you feel secure, ladies and gentlemen, knowing that the only thing standing between you and terrorism is a T-shirt vendor?

Experts say the FBI is saying potentially this thing could have been the biggest bomb on Broadway since Peter Pan, starring Kirstie Alley.

You know who was in town yesterday? Iranian dictator Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was here, and his Members Only jacket. He was speaking at the U.N. Now, seriously, New York City is not this guy's kind of town. Everybody here is either gay or Jewish. He had to get out. He said, 'No thank you.'

Anybody here from Arizona? Yeah, you know, they have this immigration law in Arizona. I guess it's because they share a border with Mexico. In essence, the new law in Arizona is if you don't look like you belong there, get out. And if you're in this country illegally, I think I speak for most Americans when I say, 'Qué?'

If you're in Arizona and you don't look like you belong there, they'll give you a simple test. You have to be able to identify four of Larry King's ex-wives.

Over the weekend, of course, down there in Washington, D.C., they had the big White House Correspondents' Dinner. Do you know who was really funny? President Obama. So funny, in fact, he has already been promised 'The Tonight Show' in five years.

Did you see Conan O'Brien on 60 Minutes? The guy told the 60 minutes team that NBC had broken his heart. And I thought, 'Welcome to the club, Coco. Welcome to the club.

But Conan declined to say anything or criticize Jay Leno. And here's how I look at this. I always say, 'If you can't say anything nice about Jay, well, let's hear it!'

Anybody from the Gulf of Mexico area? It's going to be the biggest ecological disaster on the history of the planet. And today, a tourist thought they saw a blowfish in the Gulf of Mexico. Turned out to be a flounder holding its breath.

British Petroleum says that they have a plan now to clean up the vast oil spill. You know what it is? Hot tub time machine.

Something very suspicious happened over the weekend. A car parked at, like, 45th and Broadway, very suspicious. And I'll tell you the most suspicious thing about the whole episode was that the guy found a parking place.

Thank God the car bombing was thwarted by an alert carjacker.

The Iranian dictator, Ahmadinejad, is in town. So for one day, Mayor Bloomberg is not the shortest dictator in New York.

Ahmadinejad has got a busy schedule. Today it is the U.N. And then tomorrow, he's going to be on 'The Rachael Ray Show,' filleting a camel.

From Craig Ferguson:

Happy Cinco de Mayo. If you don't know what that means, maybe you're a little out of touch — or maybe you're the governor of Arizona.

A lot of the U.S. used to be part of Mexico, including Arizona. But they're a bit touchy about that right now.

I don't drink anymore for Cinco de Mayo. I celebrate with Mexican food, or as it's known in Mexico: 'food.'

From Jimmy Kimmel:

Cinco de Mayo commemorates the Mexican Army's surprise victory over sobriety back in 1862.

Oddly, Cinco de Mayo is more popular here than in Mexico. Cinco de Mayo to us is what David Hasselhoff is to Germany.

Authorities say Faisal Shahzad, the Times Square bombing suspect, used the wrong kind of fertilizer, which is what happens when you don't watch Martha Stewart.

It was reported that Shahzad went to terrorist camp in Pakistan. Honestly, who are these parents that are sending their kids to terrorist camp?

Oil is still leaking off the coast of Louisiana. Lots of oil. BP, the company responsible for it, has a very good plan. BP is hoping to create a giant vinegar spill to turn the Gulf of Mexico into a delicious salad dressing.

Actually, what they're doing is spraying chemicals on the oil to try to disperse it. And some environmentalists say the chemicals pose their own dangers. But the company that makes them points out the active ingredient is the same thing they put in ice cream. BP is trying to get the spill reclassified from disaster to dessert.

The state of Arizona is the subject of a lot of controversy because of this new immigration law they passed. There were big demonstrations all around the country yesterday protesting it. Many people believe it's potentially racist, but the state announced today that despite the controversy, they're still planning to move ahead with their annual Cinco de Mayo party. I guess it's sort of a going-away thing.

Hey, if I was Latino, I don't think I would go to this. 'Don't worry. Get on these buses. We'll take you to the party. It'll be a lot of fun.'

From Jimmy Fallon:

It's Cinco de Mayo, or as they call it in Arizona: May 5th.

Police in Texas arrested a man who was using the alias 'Barack Obama' while trying to steal money from 35 ATMs. They could tell something was up when a guy named Barack Obama was trying to take money from banks instead of giving it to them.

Nissan is recalling almost 135,000 Infiniti G35s to address an airbag problem. When Toyota heard that, they said, 'Airbags! I knew we forgot something.'

A new survey found that 12 percent of parents punish their kids by banning social networking sites. The other 88 percent punish their kids by joining social networking sites.

It's rumored that six pages from the script of the 'Lost' series finale have leaked online. BP executives were like: 'Oh my God! That's definitely the worst leak of all time, right?'

Well, scientists are predicting that the oil from the BP spill will eventually reach the shores of Florida. So if you hated visiting your grandparents before, wait until you're hosing down their oily bodies after a long day at the beach.

Hey, we caught a suspect in the failed Times Square attack. The suspect says he acted alone. Yeah, really alone. Even his bomb wasn't in on it.

Speaking of terrorism, two new videos from the Pakistani Taliban seem to show that their leader, Hakimullah Mehsud, is alive, even though the U.S. thought he was killed. So, either our intelligence is wrong or they're just shooting the new movie, 'Weekend at Hakimullah's.'

The Pakistani Taliban has claimed responsibility for Saturday's failed car bomb attack in Times Square. I'm no terrorism expert, but I don't think it makes you scarier when you claim responsibility for something that failed.

Have you guys been following the whole oil disaster? Yesterday, President Obama said: 'Let me be clear. BP is responsible for this leak. BP will be paying the bill.' And BP was like: 'Ah, bailout? Right?'

From Jay Leno:

Phoenix Suns are all wearing jerseys that read 'Los Suns.' Thankfully, they can get the jerseys made quickly using an illegal sweatshop.

So, the Phoenix Suns are wearing jerseys written in Spanish, made in China, modeled after their best player, Canadian Steve Nash. There you go. That is America.

Folks, we're starting to learn more and more about that man arrested in the New York SUV car bombing case. His name is Faisal Shahzad. He's from Pakistan. What tipped off the authorities he might be the bomber? His name is Faisal Shahzad. He's from Pakistan.

Well, looks like this guy was having financial problems as well. Turns out his house was in foreclosure. See, apparently the Taliban does not pay very well. And not to mention, no benefits. Who would take a job as a car bomber where they tell you, you have to use your own car? That's unbelievable.

If any job should give you a company car, it's the car bomb business.

Anyway, the bomb turned out to be a dud, thankfully. But had it exploded, it would have been the biggest bomb to hit New York since the Knicks, I guess.

I don't understand the United Nations. They have selected Iran to sit on the U.N.'s women's rights panel. Iran! Also on the panel — Ben Roethlisberger, Chris Brown, Phil Spector, Robert Blake and committee chairman O.J. Simpson.

Hey, great news. They made an arrest today in that failed Times Square bombing attempt. It turns out the suspect is a foreign-born, naturalized American citizen. You know what that means? He would have been fine in Arizona.

His name is Faisal Shahzad. What, is Snoop Dogg naming terrorists now? They're still looking for his brother, Fo Shizzle. They don't know where he is.

Well, the amazing part, they arrested this guy. He was already on the plane. It was taxiing down the runway. They called the plane back. And they're calling it great work by Homeland Security, and I guess it is. I mean, that's one way to look at it. I mean, how about the fact that a Pakistani guy who bought a one-way ticket to the Middle East, reeking of fertilizer, made it through security and got on the plane. How did that happen?

You know who's really happy they took him off the plane? The guy sitting next to him. Smelling manure for 14 hours?

Anyway, police raided this guy's house. I guess it's in Bridgeport, Conn. Some of the neighbors say the suspect told them he worked on Wall Street, so they were relieved to find out he was just a terrorist.

The real hero in this story was the T-shirt vendor who told the policeman about the smoke coming from the SUV in Times Square. And for some reason, New York Mayor Bloomberg took the policeman to dinner but not the T-shirt vendor. Hey, you see the T-shirt he's selling today? It says: 'I saw the smoking SUV first. All I got was this lousy T-shirt.'

And I tell you, this Faisal guy, not the brightest terrorist. Did you see his bomb? Three bottles of Diet Coke and some Mentos. You know, that's not going to do a lot.

Anyway, it turns out this Faisal Shahzad has got a Facebook page. We looked it up. Let's see who his friends are. Look, bin Laden, Ahmadinejad and Danny Bonaduce. What are his favorite activities? What have we got there? We got beach volleyball, rollerblading. Look, blowing up Nissan Pathfinders.

Let's see what's going on at BP, which stands for, of course, big problems.

On Monday, British Petroleum promised to pay all necessary cleanup costs for this oil spill. And they said they will do it, no matter how much they have to raise gas prices.

Well, here's something kind of embarrassing. The government has called off the Safety Awards for Excellence ceremony that was supposed to take place this week, in honor of outstanding safety and pollution prevention. And British Petroleum, the one that was responsible for the big oil spill in the Gulf, was one of the three finalists for the award. I believe the other two were China and the volcano in Iceland.

And former aides to John Edwards are now claiming that Rielle Hunter lied to Oprah during her interview last week. Let me tell you something. You can lie in court in this country. You can lie at work. When you lie to Oprah, that is downright un-American.

Iranian President Mahmoud 'I'm-a-nutjob' is in New York City. He spoke at the U.N. today. He arrived in New York on Saturday night; he rented an SUV and parked it in Times Square.

Well, as you know — this is pretty serious — somebody tried to detonate an SUV rigged with explosives in Times Square. SUV turned out to be a Nissan Pathfinder. Probably, the bombing suspect realized if he'd been driving a Toyota, he would have been putting his own life in danger.

Experts say if this SUV bomb had gone off, it could have caused almost as much damage to New York City as Goldman Sachs.

And the oil from that oil rig that exploded in the Gulf of Mexico spewing five times as much oil as first was estimated. When former President George W. Bush heard about this, he said: 'Wait a minute. You mean we have oil here?'

Today, British Petroleum said they're doing everything they can to control this leak. Really? Two hundred thousand gallons? That's a leak? The pipe under my bathroom. That's a leak, O.K.? This is a gusher.

And the environmental impact from this is unbelievable. They say a lot of birds are trying to leave the area. And, today, Arizona issued a warning — any birds flying in from out of state will be stopped and arrested.

As you know, Arizona has passed the strictest immigration law in the country. It's scaring everybody. In fact, today, Taco Bell changed their name to Skippy's.

The governor of Florida, Charlie Crist, announced he is quitting the Republican Party to run for the Senate as an independent. And today, it became official — the Republicans took away his lesbian strip club VIP card.

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