Roundup of Late Night Funnies - 17 May 2010

*** Chock full of hilarious video clips from Stephen Colbert, Jon Stewart and Betty White on SNL.




From Denny: OK, so when was the last time you saw knitted food? Probably never. We just don't have much experience with the latest needlework enthusiasts and their crazy sense of humor. A knitted banana pretty much says it all when it comes to BP trying to clean up an oil spill - a joke. Maybe we could marshal the global knitting community to provide knitted bananas to soak up the oil and string them all together into a boom? Bet those bananas would do a better job dancing on the high chop seas than those boring booms.

BP was bragging today they are siphoning off up to 1,000 gallons of oil a day into a tanker to be separated and removed. Hmmm... and scientists figure at least 70,000 gallons a day are gushing out of the earth's crust a day - a conservative estimate. BP's next brilliant idea is to shove golf balls and broken tires up into the broken well pipe. Are you getting the vision just like me of exploding golf balls at freezing three mile depths or what? OK, everyone now raise your little hands into the air who agree with me we have something else they should shove up their dear little pipes: a bushel full of knitted bananas...??? :)

Oh, well, so much for Gulf Coast humor as we watch our economy die in slow motion. I guess it will be the Atlantic Coast's turn soon to see what new humor they can develop when the ocean's loop current starts to move that oil out of the Gulf and up the East Coast.

Check out the Democrats cartoon referencing my Dems may be in trouble this November with all the voter anger in America. They just had to squander their majority. They just had to enable Big Business. People are furious. It will be interesting to see how the public reacts at the polls and acts as Big Business continues to play the role of the ugly monster of greed without anyone enforcing the law or consumer protections and rights.

Meanwhile, we all have the comedians to keep us laughing instead of crying as we await the outcome of this unprecedented environmental disaster. Just for you - and I enjoyed watching every one of them - there are a slew of the latest funny videos to enjoy. The comics are still talking about stellar and very funny Betty White from last week when she took the comedy world by storm on SNL - so I included some of her videos for a grin too. All these goodies should tide you over through your work week so sit back, laugh out loud and live well!

See Cartoons by Cartoon by Daryl Cagle - Courtesy of Politicalcartoons.com - Email this Cartoon

From Jay Leno:


At a stop in Buffalo today, a woman walked up to President Obama and said, 'You're a hottie with a smokin' little body.' I'll tell you, Betty White is out of control.

According to the top people in the petroleum industry, the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico will not affect gas prices. They said, 'They were going up anyway.'

According to a recent survey, one in eight people say they will not buy gas from BP anymore. Unless, of course, it's cheaper than the station across the street.

Tar balls have started washing ashore in Louisiana. Meanwhile, the slime balls that started the whole thing are still in Washington.

And the Senate this week voted to toughen the standards for home loans. Under the new standards, lenders would have to verify that the borrowers can repay the loan. Really? Is that considered a tough stance now? You have to pay back the loan? Borrow money from the mob sometime. They break your legs. Those are tough standards, okay?

Officials in the U.S. Treasury are complaining that some Mideast countries like Kuwait are not cooperating and shutting down the flow of money to Al Qaeda. Correct me if I'm wrong. Didn't we liberate Kuwait? Now they don't want to help us. Who do they think they are? France?

The Los Angeles City Council voted to boycott Arizona to protest the new anti-immigration law. The council vote wasn't even close. The council voted, trece to uno.

Sarah Palin coming out with a second book in November, which is pretty impressive. This book was written almost as fast as the first book she didn't write.

Now, according to The Wall Street Journal, a new study says a parent should not be alarmed if their child tells a lie. They say it's a natural part of development and there are three phases — adolescent lying, young adult lying, and of course, oil executive lying. That is the biggest.

BP, Transocean and Halliburton are blaming each other for the Gulf of Mexico oil spill. They are all right.

These people make Goldman Sachs look responsible, don't they?

BP is going to try to stop the leak by pushing garbage into it. Oh, yeah, they haven't screwed up the gulf enough, let's fill it with garbage, too.

Well, the latest plan was to cover the leak with another concrete dome, a smaller one called a top hat. Who came up with this idea, Mr. Moneybags, from the Monopoly game? What's next, the giant thimble?

Well, the Senate today voted to toughen standards for home loans. Under these new standards, lenders would have to verify that borrowers can repay the loan. Let's just hope China doesn't adopt this.

Hey, here's some good news. The price of oil has dropped by $12 a barrel. I mean, why buy it when you can just scoop it out of the water, huh?

Oh, speaking of that. If anybody needs a 100-ton concrete containment dome, there's one on eBay for 75 bucks.

Actually, you know, that stupid idea about using a giant concrete dome and putting it over the leak, well, that didn't work. In fact, experts are calling this the worst use of a concrete dome since they built that stadium for the Detroit Lions.



Funny Video: Colbert Lampoons Kagan Confirmation Hearing

Funny Video: Stewart Skewers Conservatives 4 Obama-Bush Comparisons



Now they're talking about trying to clog the leak up with garbage, like tires and golf balls. You know, where are the OxiClean people? Why don't we bring them down? Why not use the miracle cleaning power of oranges? Where are those people? Let's get the experts in here.

The three companies involved in the oil spill are Transocean, BP and Halliburton. They're all blaming the other guy. I was stunned. Oil company executives passing the buck. It was just shocking.

Congress told BP they can't label this catastrophic failure as an unpredictable and unforeseeable occurrence. See, Congress used that excuse for not catching the financial meltdown, so now they have to come up with their own excuse.

Greece has a huge economic crisis. Tourism's down there. Government spending is up. And Greece hasn't done anything in 2,000 years, really. I mean, other than that little to-go coffee cup in New York, there's not a lot they've made.

Greece is a relatively small country. It would be like a state over here. But it overspends, it over borrows, it promises expensive pension plans, it over-taxes, it over-regulates business. So, the state it would be here would be California.

Not looking good around the world, folks. A top investment analyst says China's economy will slow down and crash within the year. You know, they already have signs of trouble over there, too. Do you know the unemployment rate is a staggering 12 percent among 3-year-olds in China?

Well, in announcing this Elena Kagan as his nominee for the Supreme Court, President Barack Obama characterized Kagan as a 'trailblazing leader.' The other Democrats said she was a wise choice because she had no paper trail.

Well, in Colorado one of the gubernatorial candidates has taken out a Craigslist ad to find a running mate. Is that a good idea? Hey, it didn't work when John McCain tried it.

And our transportation secretary, a man named Ray LaHood, announced that we are going to reopen the U.S. border to Mexican trucks. Apparently they couldn't squeeze enough people into vans anymore, so they're going to trucks now.

Hey, the government announced today they're making big changes to the do-not-fly list. Apparently, asking terrorists to be on the honor system has not been working. So now they're going to start cracking down.

It's interesting: U.S. investigators are trying to understand how the Times Square bomber took numerous trips back and forth to Pakistan even though the guy's name was on the no-fly list. Know what I think happened? I think the government confused the no-fly list with the 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' list.

President Obama has picked Solicitor General Elena Kagan as his Supreme Court nominee. America does not know a whole lot about her. All we know at this point is during the last 'Twilight' movie, she was 'Team Jacob.'

The Obama administration has revealed the size of America's nuclear arsenal. The U.S. has 5,113 warheads, approximately 1,000 of them aimed at China, 1,000 aimed at Russia, and the rest, of course, aimed at Fox News.

Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood said today the Obama administration will soon reopen the U.S. border to Mexican trucks. Of course, this came a huge shock to Mexican truck drivers. They didn't even know it was closed.

British Petroleum said today that if this spill gets worse, they may soon have to start drilling for water.

Well, in China, the one child limit may be on its way out because Chinese experts say there aren't enough babies in the country anymore. To give you an idea how bad it's getting, some factories over there are now being forced to hire adults.

See Cartoons by Cartoon by Monte Wolverton - Courtesy of Politicalcartoons.com - Email this Cartoon

From David Letterman:


They got a new prime minister in Great Britain. Name is David Cameron, and he has pledged to protect the country from terrorism. So today, he met with the nation's top T-shirt vendors.

So Gordon Brown is out. The election was delayed for like a week or 10 days because Al Gore demanded a recount.

And it looks like we may be getting a new Supreme Court justice from New York City. Her name is Elena Kagan. And she's apparently very, very smart. Here's how smart she is: The woman actually understands New York City parking signs.

Good news from the world of publishing. Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska, has a new book coming out this fall. The warning came from an alert T-shirt vendor.

How about that oil spill in the gulf? They were going to put down what they called a containment platform, and they were going to lower it into the gulf. But that didn't work. So now, British Petroleum wants to try something else. It's a smaller containment device called the top hat. They get the top hat on the well, and then they're going to get John Wilkes Booth to shoot at it.

Let me tell you about 'The Late Show.' It's like a car bomb and an oil spill all in one.



3 Funny Videos: Hilarious Betty White On SNL, Cartoonist Mocks Tea Party

Funny Video: Colbert On BP Oil Containment - No One Knows What The Flock They're Doing



Earlier today, the British Petroleum oil executives — the guys responsible for the big oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico — they testified before Congress. This was great. They were criticized by the same guys who approved drilling in the gulf.

But these British Petroleum executives are trying to spin this a little bit. I heard one guy say today that it's a good thing, actually, because now when you open a clam, the hinge doesn't squeak.

The State Department now has warned against travel to the tribal regions of Pakistan. There goes my summer vacation.

It looks like the next Supreme Court justice could be a New Yorker. Her name is Elena Kagan. She has never argued before a judge before. But living in New York City, you know, she's argued in cabs, she's argued in subways, she's argued in delis, she's argued in her apartment, she's yelled at her super, she's argued in line.

The Arizona government is very defensive about its new immigration law. They are being accused of just looking for Mexicans. The Arizona government says, 'No, earlier today we were rounding up Germans.'

This oil spill in the Gulf is affecting everybody. In fact, when I went to lunch this weekend and ordered the sea bass, they asked if I wanted it regular or unleaded.

This is going to be the biggest environmental disaster ever. You know what that means? More bonuses.

See Cartoons by Cartoon by Eric Allie - Courtesy of Politicalcartoons.com - Email this Cartoon

From Craig Ferguson:


Last weekend, President Obama gave an impassioned speech against technology. And then he had to stop when the teleprompter broke.

Google's new Android phone is outselling Apple's iPhone. I don't know what an Android can do, besides dance the robot or become the governor of California.

It is a great day for America's Supreme Court. President Obama just nominated Elena Kagan to be the next Supreme Court justice. He went against the advice of Joe Biden. Biden wanted Iron Man.

The British elections were last Thursday, but they still don't know who's running the country. The whole country is topsy-turvy. People are skipping afternoon tea. Some have even taken to brushing their teeth.

Britain's current prime minister, Gordon Brown, announced that he is stepping down and his replacement might be the education secretary, a gentleman named Ed Balls. I would like to make a plea on behalf of late night talk show hosts and bad comedians everywhere — I implore the voters of Britain to make sure that happens.

I'm glad here in the U.S. we always know who's running things: Oprah.



Funny Video: Cover Up Your Sex Scandal With A New Batch Of Euphemisms

Funny Video: Colbert Lampoons Conservative Preacher and His Rentboy



From Jimmy Fallon:


Sarah Palin has a new book coming out called 'America by Heart: Reflections on Family, Faith and Flag.' Coincidentally, Faith and Flag are the names Palin picked out if she ever has twins.

Police in Cairo have detained an American man who arrived on a flight from JFK with two handguns, 250 bullets, swords, daggers and knives in his luggage. When they heard this, JFK screeners were like, 'Sure he had all these things, but here's what he didn't have — bottled water or nail clippers.'

Prison inmates in Louisiana are now pitching in to clean up the Gulf Coast oil spill. At this point, the solutions have been dump chemicals in the ocean, shoot a bunch of garbage under water and release prisoners. If none of that works, they're going to have Al Qaeda come take a look at it.

There's speculation that the 1,000-point drop in the Dow may have been sparked by a typo, where someone entered 'billion' instead of 'million' on a trading order. Economists are saying a single letter hasn't caused this many problems since the letter 'Dubya.'



Funny Video: Cartoonist Mocks Tea Party Hypocrisy

Funny Video: Betty White On SNL Monologue

Funny Video: Betty White, SNL Golden Girls Lampoon Lawrence Welk Show



From Jimmy Kimmel:

The state of Hawaii passed a new law allowing the state government to ignore requests for President Obama's birth certificate from the 'Birthers.' From now on, every future president should be required to be born on camera and in front of a national landmark.'



*** Last week's Roundup of Late Night Funnies:

Roundup of Late Night Funnies - 10 May 2010


*** THANKS for visiting, feel welcome to drop a comment or opinion, enjoy bookmarking this post on your favorite social site, a big shout out to awesome current subscribers – and if you are new to this blog, please subscribe in a reader or by email updates!

Roundup of Late Night Funnies - 10 May 2010

You know that hurt!


From Denny: This week the news has focused upon the unfolding environmental disaster in the Gulf of Mexico off my Louisiana coast. The reason the BP oil spill is such a danger to Louisiana over the other Gulf states is because our shoreline is very jagged, full of marshlands that are habitats to wildlife. Those marshlands act as a barrier to slow down fierce hurricanes before they reach land. Those marshlands are also home to some good fishing that will be completely destroyed if the oil makes its way into those jagged areas. The oil will be too difficult to clean up in those areas. Fortunately, the Coast Guard is working feverishly by dumping tons of sand to plug the areas from the Gulf into the marshlands. It erodes as soon as they dump sand but it's better than nothing at all. You have to admire the effort as it may buy some time as clean up continues.

The comedians are not saying anything we aren't saying in Louisiana to joke about it. For the past several weeks, when there was a ban placed on fishing in the Gulf, diners have flocked to their favorite seafood restaurants like vultures on roadkill. There is some stock in freezers but when that runs out there won't be any more Louisiana Gulf shrimp, oysters or other fishes available.

One of the restaurant jokes around here in south Louisiana is there is a couple seated at a table in a fine dining restaurant. The server approaches the table with towel folded over his arm, ready to serve wine, and a pen and pad to take their order. The server proceeds to tick off the specials of the night to the couple when the man asks, "I suppose what you mean by blackened shrimp is that it's the chef who does the blackening, right?" Ah, BP oil spill humor...

The comics also lampooned the Time Square Bomber and Arizona immigration in relation to Cinco de Mayo holiday.

Be sure to check out these funny videos from this week:


Funny Video: Colbert Lampoons Conservative Preacher and His Rentboy

Funny Video: Stewart Slams Media, BP, And Hypocritical Politicians For Oil Spill Response

Funny Video: 2010 White House Correspondents Dinner with Prez Obama

See Cartoons by Cartoon by Patrick Corrigan - Courtesy of Politicalcartoons.com - Email this Cartoon

From David Letterman:


You folks been following the big British Petroleum oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? I'm telling you, British Petroleum has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders.

I was thinking about this. Here's what I came up with. Now, in Arizona, you know about the new immigration law, where if you don't look like you belong there, they can run you out of the state? And they've got patrol cars driving around, pulling up to people, saying: 'You don't look like you belong here. Get out!' So the deal is, in Arizona, they don't like immigrants. And I was thinking, well, that's odd, because right across the river there in California, they elected one governor.


David Letterman's "Top Ten Things Overheard At BP Headquarters"

10. 'Huh?'
9. 'Happy Cinco de Mayo. 'Nother margarita?'
8. 'We got a nice thank you note from the Toyota people'
7. 'Any way we can pin this on the Times Square bomber?'
6. 'We just got a nice thank you note from the Goldman Sachs people.'
5. 'I hope they get Robert Wagner to play me in the TV movie.'
4. 'One day, 10,000 years from now, we'll be able to look back on this and laugh.'
3. 'Let me tell you something, you can't buy this kind of publicity.'
2. 'Tell everybody it's our free oil giveaway bonanza.'
1. 'Everyone gets a bonus.'



This bombing plot here in Times Square is upsetting. Are we more upset about that than the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? Which do we hate worse? I think you've got to go with the oil spill. British petroleum, these boobs running this operation, they said: 'O.K., now wait a minute. It's just going to be a P.R. nightmare. What can we do? We'll give everybody a free tank of gas. All you have to do is drive your car right down next to the Gulf of Mexico.'

But BP plans to pay for the cleanup. Then they're going to ask for the bailout.

But they say the oil spill has the potential to kill more wildlife than a Sarah Palin hunting trip.

So it's British Petroleum, or BP. BP, of course, as in broken pipe.

Yeah, they plucked a guy off a plane. His name is Faisal Shahzad. They say he was a moody loner. Last year, he vacationed in the tribal regions of Pakistan. Well, no red flags there.

Mayor Bloomberg held a press conference. He described the bomb because everybody thought, wow, this is frightening. This is crazy. But the mayor said, no, the bomb was crude and amateurish. That's what a lot of people are saying about last night's show.

But don't you feel secure, ladies and gentlemen, knowing that the only thing standing between you and terrorism is a T-shirt vendor?

Experts say the FBI is saying potentially this thing could have been the biggest bomb on Broadway since Peter Pan, starring Kirstie Alley.

You know who was in town yesterday? Iranian dictator Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was here, and his Members Only jacket. He was speaking at the U.N. Now, seriously, New York City is not this guy's kind of town. Everybody here is either gay or Jewish. He had to get out. He said, 'No thank you.'

Anybody here from Arizona? Yeah, you know, they have this immigration law in Arizona. I guess it's because they share a border with Mexico. In essence, the new law in Arizona is if you don't look like you belong there, get out. And if you're in this country illegally, I think I speak for most Americans when I say, 'Qué?'

If you're in Arizona and you don't look like you belong there, they'll give you a simple test. You have to be able to identify four of Larry King's ex-wives.

Over the weekend, of course, down there in Washington, D.C., they had the big White House Correspondents' Dinner. Do you know who was really funny? President Obama. So funny, in fact, he has already been promised 'The Tonight Show' in five years.

Did you see Conan O'Brien on 60 Minutes? The guy told the 60 minutes team that NBC had broken his heart. And I thought, 'Welcome to the club, Coco. Welcome to the club.

But Conan declined to say anything or criticize Jay Leno. And here's how I look at this. I always say, 'If you can't say anything nice about Jay, well, let's hear it!'

Anybody from the Gulf of Mexico area? It's going to be the biggest ecological disaster on the history of the planet. And today, a tourist thought they saw a blowfish in the Gulf of Mexico. Turned out to be a flounder holding its breath.

British Petroleum says that they have a plan now to clean up the vast oil spill. You know what it is? Hot tub time machine.

Something very suspicious happened over the weekend. A car parked at, like, 45th and Broadway, very suspicious. And I'll tell you the most suspicious thing about the whole episode was that the guy found a parking place.

Thank God the car bombing was thwarted by an alert carjacker.

The Iranian dictator, Ahmadinejad, is in town. So for one day, Mayor Bloomberg is not the shortest dictator in New York.

Ahmadinejad has got a busy schedule. Today it is the U.N. And then tomorrow, he's going to be on 'The Rachael Ray Show,' filleting a camel.

See Cartoons by Cartoon by Brian Fairrington - Courtesy of Politicalcartoons.com - Email this Cartoon

From Craig Ferguson:


Happy Cinco de Mayo. If you don't know what that means, maybe you're a little out of touch — or maybe you're the governor of Arizona.

A lot of the U.S. used to be part of Mexico, including Arizona. But they're a bit touchy about that right now.

I don't drink anymore for Cinco de Mayo. I celebrate with Mexican food, or as it's known in Mexico: 'food.'

See Cartoons by Cartoon by John Darkow - Courtesy of Politicalcartoons.com - Email this Cartoon

From Jimmy Kimmel:


Cinco de Mayo commemorates the Mexican Army's surprise victory over sobriety back in 1862.

Oddly, Cinco de Mayo is more popular here than in Mexico. Cinco de Mayo to us is what David Hasselhoff is to Germany.

Authorities say Faisal Shahzad, the Times Square bombing suspect, used the wrong kind of fertilizer, which is what happens when you don't watch Martha Stewart.

It was reported that Shahzad went to terrorist camp in Pakistan. Honestly, who are these parents that are sending their kids to terrorist camp?

Oil is still leaking off the coast of Louisiana. Lots of oil. BP, the company responsible for it, has a very good plan. BP is hoping to create a giant vinegar spill to turn the Gulf of Mexico into a delicious salad dressing.

Actually, what they're doing is spraying chemicals on the oil to try to disperse it. And some environmentalists say the chemicals pose their own dangers. But the company that makes them points out the active ingredient is the same thing they put in ice cream. BP is trying to get the spill reclassified from disaster to dessert.

The state of Arizona is the subject of a lot of controversy because of this new immigration law they passed. There were big demonstrations all around the country yesterday protesting it. Many people believe it's potentially racist, but the state announced today that despite the controversy, they're still planning to move ahead with their annual Cinco de Mayo party. I guess it's sort of a going-away thing.

Hey, if I was Latino, I don't think I would go to this. 'Don't worry. Get on these buses. We'll take you to the party. It'll be a lot of fun.'

See Cartoons by Cartoon by J.D. Crowe - Courtesy of Politicalcartoons.com - Email this Cartoon

From Jimmy Fallon:


It's Cinco de Mayo, or as they call it in Arizona: May 5th.

Police in Texas arrested a man who was using the alias 'Barack Obama' while trying to steal money from 35 ATMs. They could tell something was up when a guy named Barack Obama was trying to take money from banks instead of giving it to them.

Nissan is recalling almost 135,000 Infiniti G35s to address an airbag problem. When Toyota heard that, they said, 'Airbags! I knew we forgot something.'

A new survey found that 12 percent of parents punish their kids by banning social networking sites. The other 88 percent punish their kids by joining social networking sites.

It's rumored that six pages from the script of the 'Lost' series finale have leaked online. BP executives were like: 'Oh my God! That's definitely the worst leak of all time, right?'

Well, scientists are predicting that the oil from the BP spill will eventually reach the shores of Florida. So if you hated visiting your grandparents before, wait until you're hosing down their oily bodies after a long day at the beach.

Hey, we caught a suspect in the failed Times Square attack. The suspect says he acted alone. Yeah, really alone. Even his bomb wasn't in on it.

Speaking of terrorism, two new videos from the Pakistani Taliban seem to show that their leader, Hakimullah Mehsud, is alive, even though the U.S. thought he was killed. So, either our intelligence is wrong or they're just shooting the new movie, 'Weekend at Hakimullah's.'

The Pakistani Taliban has claimed responsibility for Saturday's failed car bomb attack in Times Square. I'm no terrorism expert, but I don't think it makes you scarier when you claim responsibility for something that failed.

Have you guys been following the whole oil disaster? Yesterday, President Obama said: 'Let me be clear. BP is responsible for this leak. BP will be paying the bill.' And BP was like: 'Ah, bailout? Right?'

See Cartoons by Cartoon by John Trever - Courtesy of Politicalcartoons.com - Email this Cartoon

From Jay Leno:


Phoenix Suns are all wearing jerseys that read 'Los Suns.' Thankfully, they can get the jerseys made quickly using an illegal sweatshop.

So, the Phoenix Suns are wearing jerseys written in Spanish, made in China, modeled after their best player, Canadian Steve Nash. There you go. That is America.

Folks, we're starting to learn more and more about that man arrested in the New York SUV car bombing case. His name is Faisal Shahzad. He's from Pakistan. What tipped off the authorities he might be the bomber? His name is Faisal Shahzad. He's from Pakistan.

Well, looks like this guy was having financial problems as well. Turns out his house was in foreclosure. See, apparently the Taliban does not pay very well. And not to mention, no benefits. Who would take a job as a car bomber where they tell you, you have to use your own car? That's unbelievable.

If any job should give you a company car, it's the car bomb business.

Anyway, the bomb turned out to be a dud, thankfully. But had it exploded, it would have been the biggest bomb to hit New York since the Knicks, I guess.

I don't understand the United Nations. They have selected Iran to sit on the U.N.'s women's rights panel. Iran! Also on the panel — Ben Roethlisberger, Chris Brown, Phil Spector, Robert Blake and committee chairman O.J. Simpson.

Hey, great news. They made an arrest today in that failed Times Square bombing attempt. It turns out the suspect is a foreign-born, naturalized American citizen. You know what that means? He would have been fine in Arizona.

His name is Faisal Shahzad. What, is Snoop Dogg naming terrorists now? They're still looking for his brother, Fo Shizzle. They don't know where he is.

Well, the amazing part, they arrested this guy. He was already on the plane. It was taxiing down the runway. They called the plane back. And they're calling it great work by Homeland Security, and I guess it is. I mean, that's one way to look at it. I mean, how about the fact that a Pakistani guy who bought a one-way ticket to the Middle East, reeking of fertilizer, made it through security and got on the plane. How did that happen?

You know who's really happy they took him off the plane? The guy sitting next to him. Smelling manure for 14 hours?

Anyway, police raided this guy's house. I guess it's in Bridgeport, Conn. Some of the neighbors say the suspect told them he worked on Wall Street, so they were relieved to find out he was just a terrorist.

The real hero in this story was the T-shirt vendor who told the policeman about the smoke coming from the SUV in Times Square. And for some reason, New York Mayor Bloomberg took the policeman to dinner but not the T-shirt vendor. Hey, you see the T-shirt he's selling today? It says: 'I saw the smoking SUV first. All I got was this lousy T-shirt.'

And I tell you, this Faisal guy, not the brightest terrorist. Did you see his bomb? Three bottles of Diet Coke and some Mentos. You know, that's not going to do a lot.

Anyway, it turns out this Faisal Shahzad has got a Facebook page. We looked it up. Let's see who his friends are. Look, bin Laden, Ahmadinejad and Danny Bonaduce. What are his favorite activities? What have we got there? We got beach volleyball, rollerblading. Look, blowing up Nissan Pathfinders.

Let's see what's going on at BP, which stands for, of course, big problems.

On Monday, British Petroleum promised to pay all necessary cleanup costs for this oil spill. And they said they will do it, no matter how much they have to raise gas prices.

Well, here's something kind of embarrassing. The government has called off the Safety Awards for Excellence ceremony that was supposed to take place this week, in honor of outstanding safety and pollution prevention. And British Petroleum, the one that was responsible for the big oil spill in the Gulf, was one of the three finalists for the award. I believe the other two were China and the volcano in Iceland.

And former aides to John Edwards are now claiming that Rielle Hunter lied to Oprah during her interview last week. Let me tell you something. You can lie in court in this country. You can lie at work. When you lie to Oprah, that is downright un-American.

Iranian President Mahmoud 'I'm-a-nutjob' is in New York City. He spoke at the U.N. today. He arrived in New York on Saturday night; he rented an SUV and parked it in Times Square.

Well, as you know — this is pretty serious — somebody tried to detonate an SUV rigged with explosives in Times Square. SUV turned out to be a Nissan Pathfinder. Probably, the bombing suspect realized if he'd been driving a Toyota, he would have been putting his own life in danger.

Experts say if this SUV bomb had gone off, it could have caused almost as much damage to New York City as Goldman Sachs.

And the oil from that oil rig that exploded in the Gulf of Mexico spewing five times as much oil as first was estimated. When former President George W. Bush heard about this, he said: 'Wait a minute. You mean we have oil here?'

Today, British Petroleum said they're doing everything they can to control this leak. Really? Two hundred thousand gallons? That's a leak? The pipe under my bathroom. That's a leak, O.K.? This is a gusher.

And the environmental impact from this is unbelievable. They say a lot of birds are trying to leave the area. And, today, Arizona issued a warning — any birds flying in from out of state will be stopped and arrested.

As you know, Arizona has passed the strictest immigration law in the country. It's scaring everybody. In fact, today, Taco Bell changed their name to Skippy's.

The governor of Florida, Charlie Crist, announced he is quitting the Republican Party to run for the Senate as an independent. And today, it became official — the Republicans took away his lesbian strip club VIP card.

See Cartoons by Cartoon by Olle Johansson - Courtesy of Politicalcartoons.com - Email this Cartoon

*** THANKS for visiting, feel welcome to drop a comment or opinion, enjoy bookmarking this post on your favorite social site, a big shout out to awesome current subscribers – and if you are new to this blog, please subscribe in a reader or by email updates!

Roundup of Late Night Comedy 13 Apr 2010

From Denny: The late night comics were out in full force this week having a great time lampooning just about everyone and everything. Tiny Fey, of Saturday Nite Live (SNL), took up her hair and makeup costume to play Sarah Palin again for some great laughs. Tina decided it was time for Sarah Palin to pitch her Sarah Palin Network. As she describes the shows it will have you laughing till your sides hurt.

She even included my state's unpopular-with-everyone Governor Bobby Jindal. Hey, don't look at me. I didn't vote for the guy in that off-year election when about only 5,000 people showed up at the polls besides me. (To be fair I think it was about 20,000 out of one million voters available.) Mine was probably the only "Hell, No!" vote. My fellow Democrats just didn't get it to get out and vote as if it were an "on" year for the Presidential election. Nothing like talking to deaf ears. They have no one to blame but themselves for hospitals closing, corruption in state government, missing or "redirected" public funds, stolen elections and the like.

Back to the comics mocking the comical in our lives... Come to think of it they really should do more SNL skits about Louisiana politics. These guys are real life and still so ridiculously strange it's perfect fodder for the comedians.

Jon Stewart pulled together a string of ultra Republican "news" clips of "preparing to go into bloody battle" against the Democrats over the next Supreme Court nomination since Justice Stevens is retiring this summer. It really does boggle the mind to see just how much time and effort the toxic politics guys put into making sure their followers remain brainwashed into believing the impossible and the ridiculous. Speaking of that, over on Dennys Global Politics, there is a story about just how much Glenn Beck makes - millions - and his comments about his followers. You may want to check out that story:

Worlds Nuke Security, Attacking Glenn Beck, Unsafe Meats, More Nuke Plants in America, Boy Scouts Penalized 4 Abuse - News Headlines 13 Apr 2010

And then there is the Tiger Woods' comeback to the press limelight and the golfing season... Funny stuff all around from President Obama and the political news, they are still talking about the iPad to Krazy Karzai, nukes - who gets them and who gets them taken away - being a comic is the life of the ultimate social commentator. :)

Also, this is tax season, so enjoy these funnies to keep up your good attitude! And you didn't even have to stay up late and miss your beauty rest. How great is that? Come back next week for more grins to get you through your work week... now on with the show!

See Cartoons by Cartoon by Paul Zanetti - Courtesy of Politicalcartoons.com - Email this Cartoon

From David Letterman:


The government says the economy is bouncing back. So now we can go back to making cars nobody wants. That will be good.

People were standing in line around the block all weekend to get an iPad. Out in Arizona, John McCain was waiting in line for an IBM Selectric.

And they've been talking about the iPad for months, maybe years. I'm telling you, it took longer for the iPad to come out than it did Ricky Martin.

Experts believe the iPad will revolutionize the way people procrastinate.


Letterman's Top 10 Thoughts That Go Through Every Accountant's Mind On April 15:

10. 'If I see one more tax return, I'm gonna jam a No. 2 pencil through my eye'
9. 'I think my calculator is talking to me'
8. 'If I screw up, they go to jail, not me'
7. 'Why didn't I become something exciting like a claims adjuster?'
6. 'Should I wear the navy blue suit or the navy blue suit?'
5. 'Get through today and then a 364-day weekend'
4. 'Who knew the bright-eyed little boy I once was would grow into such a bitter man with a soul crushing job'
3. 'Time to fake my death and move to the Cayman Islands'
2. 'Why did I waste time doing a stupid Top Ten at Letterman?'
1. 'This would be a lot easier if I was sober'


You know what happened in Las Vegas today? Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska, was speaking at the alcohol convention in Las Vegas, Nev. Because, I mean, let's face it, nothing says family values like gambling and liquor.

Oh, you know what they do every Monday after Easter at the White House? They have the hunt, on the White House lawn. And they canceled it this year. You know why? I was stunned. I didn't know about this. Last year a couple of kids accidentally stumbled into Dick Cheney's underground torture chamber.

Hey, here's another deal going on over at the Jacob Javitz Center. It's the annual New York City Auto Show. I like the new tiny cars. Like the gas-saving, the tiny little semi-hybrid electric things with the fewer seats. You know, they have fewer seats, just like the Democrats after November, fewer seats.



Jon Stewart lampoons the Republicans over their drumbeat to create yet another toxic partisan battle - this time about spending the entire summer embroiled in rallying the Tea Party ground troops to scream and rant about who might be chosen to join the Supreme Court now that Justice Stevens is retiring. It is amazing how much time and constant effort the Republicans put into brainwashing their followers:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Old Man Retires
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Tea Party

From Jay Leno:


In Afghanistan, President Hamid Karzai is mad at the United States. We said his government is riddled with bribes, corruption, and pay-offs. I guess they're trying to pass healthcare over there too.

According to the Pentagon, al-Qaida has been so weakened financially that they're turning to crimes like drugs, prostitution, and adjustable-rate mortgages.

Well, according to the Pentagon, Al Qaeda is in financial ruin. You know why they're broke? Health insurance premiums.

Well, the big news is Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens is retiring. I mean, this won't affect as many Americans as when Paula left 'American Idol,' but it's still a big deal.

See Cartoons by Cartoon by Peter Broelman - Courtesy of Politicalcartoons.com - Email this Cartoon

Tiger Woods said he would try to keep his emotions under control, but after a bad swing, he used the F-word. Who does he think he is — vice president of the United States?"

In a speech, the chairman of the Republican National Committee, Michael Steele, said 'I am the first here to admit I've made mistakes.' Then the stripper giving him a lap-dance said it will still be 20 bucks.

Iranian President Mahmoud I'm-a-nut-job has called President Obama a big bully. You know, when you're 5 feet 2 inches, you think everybody's a big bully.

He threatened to punch President Obama right in the knee.

Sarah Palin's daughter is speaking out. In an interview, Bristol says she realizes she was totally unprepared to be a mother. Hey, it's better than being a mother that's totally unprepared to be vice president.

KFC coming out with their new Double Down sandwich. It's bacon and cheese wrapped inside two pieces of fried chicken. In fact, today, Al Qaeda said: 'We quit. When it comes to killing Americans, we can't keep up with you guys.'

China has canceled a series of Bob Dylan concerts because they say his lyrics are too politically charged. Really? They understand his lyrics? That's unbelievable. Maybe that's why we didn't understand them. He's been singing in Chinese all these years.

Well, earlier this week, President Obama kicked off the baseball season by throwing out the ceremonial first pitch. They said President Bush did a better job throwing out the first pitch. But on the other hand, President Obama can talk.

Next week, the president of China will be at the White House. And good news — he has no plans to foreclose.

Well, give you an idea how important this visit is from the Chinese president, I understand Joe Biden is busy learning some Chinese curse words.

And in a major reversal of U.S. policy, President Obama has narrowed the conditions under which we would use nuclear weapons. He said we'd only use them against Iran, North Korea or Fox News.

Sunday was the big White House Easter egg hunt. Of course, the Catholic priests didn't have time to hide eggs, they were too busy hiding each other.

As you know, the Roman Catholic Church continues to be rocked by this sex abuse crisis. In fact, they're thinking of changing their name to the Roman Polanski Catholic Church.

President Obama has come out with a new policy for using nuclear weapons. In a related story, Joe Biden said he would try not to drop the F-bomb so often.

The FAA announced that they are going to allow airline pilots to take anti-depressants. So now, if your pilot is drunk, at least he'll be a happy drunk.

Well, the Labor Department reported that the economy added 162,000 jobs last month, all of them bodyguards for Tiger Woods.

You know, 30,000 people showed up for the annual Easter Egg Roll at the White House today. Or as Fox News calls it, a 'socialist free food giveaway.'

Well, yesterday, a 7.2 earthquake hit southwest of Tijuana. They say the earthquake was felt by 20 million Mexicans, and that was just here in L.A.

Well, here's some good news. The United States and Russia have signed a historic nuclear weapons treaty. Apparently, Russia is getting a little nervous. They heard we had successfully mounted a warhead on a Toyota Prius.

And a man in Punxsutawney, Pa., last week was charged with public drunkenness after cops caught him giving mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to a flattened, roadkill opossum. Look, I know Obama's health care is supposed to include everybody. But look, this is crazy. It's too much.

The IRS says it's been getting death threats since the health care bill passed because the IRS is going to be the ones in charge of implementing it. They say the threats people are making to the IRS are so bad, that they are actually hindering the IRS's ability to threaten people.

And last week, Sarah Palin gave a speech in Nevada, where she criticized President Barack Obama for being a constitutional law professor. The problem with that statement is Sarah Palin thinks that's an insult. Only in America, you want to insult someone, call them a teacher.

Well, earlier today, President Obama threw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals' home opener against the Philadelphia Phillies. And then Vice President Joe Biden was thrown out for cursing at the umpire.

Actually, President Obama didn't actually throw the ball. He got it to the catcher's mitt through a series of back-door dealings.


Saturday Nite Live's Tina Fey on her latest lampooning of Sarah Palin. She even includes my state's very own - nationally and locally - despised Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal, the-do nothing-for-the-state-Republican-governor-who-is-too-busy-traveling-around-the-world-to-get-campaign-money-for-the-presidential-election-in-2012-and-closing-needed-hospitals-to-look-good-to-greedy-conservatives-and-stingy-wealthy-campaign-donors:






From Jimmy Kimmel:


I watched so much golf this weekend. Tiger finished in 4th place, which means he only won $330,000, which is barely enough to pay his text messaging bill.

Tiger's obviously under a lot of stress. It's very difficult to play when you have a padlock on your underpants.

Conan O'Brien announced today that he will move his show to TBS. Later in the day, Jay Leno announced that he will also move his show to TBS.

I watched golf today. It's boring. There was no sex at all, just a bunch of middle-aged white guys and one guilty-looking black guy walking around.

Tiger Woods returned to golf today. President Obama and Russian President Medvedev signed the necessary documents and just like that, relations have been normalized.

Bristol Palin is continuing her campaign about teen pregnancy. It's funny that she's going around telling kids not to get pregnant when her mom is telling people, 'Drill, baby, drill.'

Bristol was a pregnant teen herself. She named her baby 'Tripp,' with two p's, which is reason enough for teens not to have kids.

John McCain told Newsweek that he doesn't really consider himself a 'maverick.' What kind of man would call himself a maverick for years and then suddenly say he doesn't think of himself as a maverick? I'll tell you what kind — a maverick.

The iPad has only been out for a few days and it has revolutionized the publishing industry. You can download books, you can read them and store them, and for religious fundamentalists, there's a new app that lets you burn them.

President and Mrs. Obama hosted the annual White House Easter Egg Roll today. Dozens of children gathered on the White House lawn to roll eggs toward a finish line while the president cheered them on and Republicans tried to block them.

As you probably know, Michelle Obama's pet project is raising awareness of childhood obesity, so they didn't just roll eggs this year. They rolled a few fat kids to make an example of them.

Then later this afternoon, the president threw out the first pitch at the season opener for the Washington Nationals. You know, baseball has started again. The last time the president threw out a first pitch was at the All-Star Game last year, which was notable, mostly because he was wearing his famous mom jeans when he did it.

Wisely, the president decided to donate those lady pants to the Smithsonian. And today, he sported a pair of gray slacks. The pants were better, but the pitch wasn't. That was more like a free throw than a pitch. Maybe his pitching power was stored in that pair of mom jeans, and now, like Samson without his pony tail, his strength is gone.

See Cartoons by Cartoon by Larry Wright - Courtesy of Politicalcartoons.com - Email this Cartoon

From Craig Ferguson:


President Obama signed a historic treaty with the Russian president today. Not everyone's happy about it. Fox News said it was a 'summit between a powerful communist leader and the president of Russia.'

The treaty is about reducing the number of nuclear weapons we have pointed at each other. I thought we were friends with the Russians but we've really been 'frienemies' this whole time.

When I went to Moscow, I saw the tomb of Lenin. They keep his body preserved in a glass coffin. It's waxy, it's falling apart — it's like Joan Rivers after a Brazilian.

It was announced today that Conan O'Brien has a new talk show on TBS and a lot of people are asking how it will affect this show. It will not — people that watch this show cannot afford basic cable.

KFC restaurants have unveiled the 'Double Down,' which is two slabs of fried chicken with bacon in the middle. Why not — we all have free health insurance.

See Cartoons by Cartoon by Dave Granlund - Courtesy of Politicalcartoons.com - Email this Cartoon

From Jimmy Fallon:


Michelle Obama held a town hall meeting on C-SPAN to answer questions from kids about her anti-obesity campaign. The most popular question from kids was, 'Why are you doing this to us, lady?'

Today, President Obama threw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals' game. Obama took a short windup and threw a high-arcing pitch. Of course, Democrats saw the pitch as moderately close to the middle, while Republicans are calling it 'way to the left and possibly socialist.'

Listen to this, a prominent Filipino businessman quit his job at a major university after admitting that he made a speech plagiarizing Barack Obama, Oprah Winfrey, and J.K. Rowling. People got suspicious after he opened with the line, 'Look under your seats, muggles, because everyone is going home with a free hope and change!'

Under President Obama's new airport security plan, anyone traveling to the U.S. will be stopped if they match the description of a potential terrorist. Wait, we weren't doing this already?

Last night, President Obama gave a speech at the Boston Opera House. It was a long night, because you know what they say about the opera: 'It ain't over until the fat lady gets lectured on her eating habits by Michelle Obama.'

And this is interesting. President Obama unveiled a new gas mileage program that he says is like taking 58 million cars off the road for an entire year. Or as Toyota calls it, 'business as usual.'

More car news. Ford is teaming up with Microsoft to create an all electric car called the Microsoft Hohm. That's smart, because if there's one company that knows how to avoid crashes, it's Microsoft.

A lawmaker in Israel has proposed a popcorn law that would limit high prices of popcorn at the movies. Finally, solving Israel's biggest problem, high popcorn prices.

There's a rumor going around that Hillary Clinton could be Obama's choice for the next Supreme Court justice. That's a lifetime appointment that would take up all of her time, or as Bill Clinton calls it, 'She'll take it.'

Some more news out of Washington. Vice President Joe Biden hosted a big lunch today with foreign leaders at the Naval Observatory. Unfortunately, he spent the entire time asking everyone to observe his navel.

I just heard that CNN is hoping to spice up the show 'Anderson Cooper 360″ by adding a live audience. After that, they're hoping to spice up 'Larry King Live' by adding a live Larry King.

Barry Bonds said he is 'proud' of Mark McGwire for returning to baseball. And it really means a lot coming from Bonds — it's like Tiger Woods getting a high five at the Masters from Jesse James.


*** Check out this story to boggle your mind:


Worlds Nuke Security, Attacking Glenn Beck, Unsafe Meats, More Nuke Plants in America, Boy Scouts Penalized 4 Abuse - News Headlines 13 Apr 2010


*** THANKS for visiting, feel welcome to drop a comment or opinion, enjoy bookmarking this post on your favorite social site, a big shout out to awesome current subscribers – and if you are new to this blog, please subscribe in a reader or by email updates!

Monday Roundup of Late Night Comedy - 5 Apr 2010

From Denny: We're catching up with the April Fools Day and Easter jokes. In foreign policy news: The President Bush puppet, President Karzai of Afghanistan, now a rebel puppet towards President Obama, has bird bombed America recently.

Lots of chatter about the Census choices of racial and ethnic group choices - and plenty of humor about the militias and Tea Party folks writing in their own choices. The Republicans - and their various shocking sex scandals of using political funds to pay for sex escapades - continues to keep on giving to the comics, including funny videos from David Letterman and Jon Stewart to entertain you.

And the Catholic Church and its enablers continue to be tone deaf about the sex abuse, still they don't accept true accountability. The entire Catholic clergy needs to go on a seven-year long extreme fast to tame their bad attitudes and open their hearts to the suffering they have caused and enabled. While they are at it they need to lose the fancy vestments that puff up their egos into thinking they can display the king mentality: "They will get nothing and like it!"

Tiger Woods returns to the professional golf circuit. Did any of you see the news footage of him at practice on the golf course with the gallery in the background? Did anyone wonder why they were so adoring? The word is Woods has hired a public relations firm to rehabilitate his reputation. So... perhaps those people in the gallery were there just for show, playing to the news media that the public doesn't mind Tiger's bizarre antics and everything is just fine now...? Read that as just more fantasy world from Tiger Woods. I wonder how many more "mistresses" will appear just in time to titillate the yellow journalism media when the Masters tournament begins...



From David Letterman:


Census time, ladies and gentlemen. President Obama filled out his Census. I felt bad for the guy. Like he needs another reminder that he lives with his mother-in-law.

Here's a fascinating story. The Republican National Committee got together and said, 'You know, boys, things are going so well for us here lately, let's have a party.' So they said, 'Well, yeah, but we don't want to pay for it.' And they said: 'No. We'll get the Republican National Committee to pay for it — money that we get from donations and contributions. We'll let the folks pay for it.' And everybody said, 'Great, what do we do?' And they said, 'Well, let's go to Los Angeles to a sex club.' And they said, 'Great!' So they end up there at a bondage club in Los Angeles. And I thought that makes perfect sense because Republicans love tying things up: health care, you know; climate control; financial reform.

Now here's a fascinating story. And this kind of thing happens all the time. But every time it happens, we always say, 'Whoa, here we go.' The Republican National Committee had a big party at some kind of a sex club in Los Angeles. They spent $2,000 of campaign donation money on the bill at the sex club in Los Angeles. But the guy who organized the big Republican sex party apologized on the Golf Channel, so that's good.

Pamela Anderson on 'Dancing with the Stars'. You know who else is on 'Dancing with the Stars'? Former astronaut Buzz Aldrin. Pam Anderson and Buzz Aldrin. Honest to God, it looks like a Republican ticket.

David Letterman's Top Ten Republican National Committee Excuses

10. 'We're fat, dumb, rich guys, nuff said?'
9. 'Thought 'SM' door was Sen. McCain's office'
8. 'It wasn't a sex club, just a regular club where grown men tickle each other'
7. 'Scott Brown raved about the place'
6. 'The Sheraton's meeting rooms were already booked'
5. 'I'm sorry, Ricky Martin is gay?'
4. 'Abraham Lincoln routinely spent $2,000 a night in sex clubs'
3. 'We're fat, dumb, rich guys, nuff said?'
2. 'If we can't spend donor money at a sex club, the terrorists have won'
1. 'Research for pending legislation 'No Stripper Left Behind''

Did you hear about this? President Obama, big surprise visit to see the folks in Afghanistan. Did you read all about that? That's kind of exciting. It turns out he was shooting an episode of 'Undercover Boss.'

See Cartoons by Cartoon by Jimmy Margulies - Courtesy of Politicalcartoons.com - Email this Cartoon

He met with Afghanistan President Hamid Karzai, but Karzai was late for the meeting. You know why he was late for the meeting? He had transportation trouble. The accelerator on his camel.

This was an important meeting. Both presidents agreed that we have to work to wipe out terror networks. Get rid of terror networks, like Al Qaeda, the Taliban, Fox News.

Obama demanded more accountability. He said we got to have more accountability, we got to have a crackdown on corruption; we have to have a better government. And he said if it works in Afghanistan, we're going to try it back home in the United States.

You know who is out campaigning now again? John McCain and his buddy Sarah Palin. I mean, come on, it worked so well the last time.

Sarah Palin was campaigning in a, you know, a motorcycle jacket. She looks like somebody Jesse James would date.


David Letterman's Top Ten Highlights of President Obama's Trip To Afghanistan


10. The welcoming chants of "Death to America!"
9. Using miles to get bumped up to business class
8. Picking up sexy negligee for Michelle at "Mahboba's Secret"
7. Playing a little 1-on-1 with Hamid Karzai
6. Seeing "Hot Tub Time Machine" dubbed in Pashto
5. Military demonstration on new secret weapon: ground-to-air-goat
4. The splendor of Kabul in the springtime
3. Catching Jon Lovitz at new Kandahar comedy club "Laffghanistan"
2. Spotting a confused John McCain arguing with a falafel
1. Leaving Afghanistan


David Letterman has fun with the RNC sex scandal version of a tickle club:





From Jimmy Kimmel:


Some people aren't sending their census forms because they're angry at the government, which is dumb because the census is how we figure out who gets represented. So if you don't send in your form, your state gets fewer congressmen. Which, come to think of it, maybe none of us should send in our forms because no congressmen seems like the perfect number, really.

When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as psychopaths, and then the rest of us.

Thursday is Census deadline day. The census would like every resident of the United States to fill out their form and mail it in. If you don't know how many people live in your house, just count the number of iPods.

And remember, you know, the Census Bureau sends a Census taker to any home that doesn't reply by mail. So unless you want to have a conversation with another human being, you better get that in.

Former Gov. Sarah Palin has been very busy. She's been campaigning for select Republicans, including John McCain, who's in the middle of a tough Senate race in Arizona. How does he introduce her? 'And now, the young woman who cost me the presidency, Sarah Palin!'


Yay, for tax season is literally upon us! :)

See Cartoons by Cartoon by John Cole - Courtesy of Politicalcartoons.com - Email this Cartoon

From Jay Leno:


This week, President Obama issued a proclamation declaring it Cesar Chavez Day. So this week was both Passover and Cesar Chavez Day. See, one holiday celebrates the flight of the Jewish people from Egypt to Israel, the other celebrates the flight of Mexican people from Tijuana to Los Angeles.

President Obama announced this week that he is opening more sites for offshore oil drilling. Do you know what that means? If we find enough oil, we could one day invade ourselves.

This is my favorite story of the week. The Republican National Committee is in trouble after spending nearly $2,000 at a bondage club in Hollywood. You know what I call a Republican that spends a lot of money in a strip club? A Democrat.

In fact, one eyewitness said 'some of the things going on in the club were almost too masochistic for the Republicans to watch.' Like in one room, there was a video being played over and over of President Obama signing the healthcare bill.

See Cartoons by Cartoon by Terry Mosher - Courtesy of Politicalcartoons.com - Email this Cartoon

Because it's Easter, Catholic priests have been hearing confession all week — mostly from other Catholic priests,

Today is April 1, April Fools' Day, a day that people try to fool their friends and relatives. Don't confuse that with April 15, when people try to fool the IRS.

Well, earlier today, President Obama canceled the annual White House Easter Egg Hunt. Instead, the kids are going to be on the lawn of the White House drilling for oil.

See Cartoons by Cartoon by Paresh Nath - Courtesy of Politicalcartoons.com - Email this Cartoon

Well, here's some good news for us. Iran's top nuclear scientist has defected to the CIA and is now here in the United States. He's now on our side. And he had some frightening information. He said Iran was just weeks away from developing their very own Toyota Prius.

It looks like Sarah Palin will be doing some kind of reality show on cable. They say her exact role on the show is unknown, kind of like when she campaigned for McCain.

Did you see John McCain with Sarah Palin next to him over the weekend? At first I thought it was Buzz Aldrin on 'Dancing with the Stars.'

The chairman of the Republican National Committee, Michael Steele – you probably heard about this – he got in a lot of trouble. I guess they dropped over $2,000 to staffers at a topless bondage theme nightclub right here in Hollywood. And what's the Republicans' big issue right now? Isn't it – oh, yeah – cutting down on wasteful spending?

Michael Steele. Doesn't he sound like he would be a dancer at a bondage theme nightclub?

Vice President Joe Biden did it again. He showed up at the White House Seder last night with a bunch of ham sandwiches.

Well, according to 'Newsweek,' the FBI now says Osama bin Laden is healthy and giving the orders once again for al Qaeda. Today, Republicans blamed it on the new healthcare bill.

First Lady Michelle Obama attended the Kids' Choice Awards over the weekend. See, I don't think the President had ever seen that show. Like, when she got home, the President asked Michelle how it went. She said there was a lot of slime. And President Obama said, 'Fox News was there?'

President Obama made a surprise visit to Afghanistan this past weekend. I guess after the last 14 months in Washington, he wanted to go someplace where there was less fighting.

Pretty quick trip. In fact, it happened so fast, Joe Biden didn't even have a chance to say something stupid about it.

And, as you know, the people have spoken, but health care passed anyway.

Congress is now preparing to pass yet another jobs bill. You know how to create more jobs in this country? Fire the people that wrote the first jobs bill. That obviously didn't work.

Osama bin Laden has released a new audiotape in which he threatens to kill Americans. You know, as opposed to his earlier, new-age motivational tape.

Well, the FBI is now saying that Al Qaeda may be planning an attack on a U.S. sports stadium. See, I don't think Al Qaeda, though, has any idea about our sports. You know what their big plan is? To hit Wrigley Field during the World Series.

And over in Afghanistan, the U.S. military is now using pilotless drones to attack Al Qaeda. Do you know what those are? It's a plane that doesn't have any pilot. It's flown by remote control by somebody on the ground. Or as Southwest calls that, 'the next step.'

Sarah Palin had a weekend for her: Changing diapers; opening up jars of baby food; cutting meat into little pieces. Just another day campaigning with John McCain.

And unemployment in Florida hit a record high of 12.2 percent. You want to know how bad it is down there? Today, the Coast Guard picked up 50 Cubans off the coast of Miami trying to swim back to Cuba.


Jon Stewart heckles the GOP lesbian bondage club scandal. Republican politics just keeps on giving to the comedy world. You can't make up this stuff! Why bother? The Republicans hand it to you on a silver platter. :)

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
2 Girls 1 GOP
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Health Care Reform

From Craig Ferguson:


Do you know in Switzerland, in Geneva, scientists are celebrating? They have a multimillion-dollar atom-smasher that has given us new information on how the universe began. Couldn't these scientists save some money and just ask Larry King?

During a fundraising trip to California, some young Republicans took the Republican Party credit card to a club in Hollywood that has nude dancers doing bondage shows. Usually when Republicans find themselves in dark rooms with whips and chains, it's in Dick Cheney's basement.

It must be very embarrassing for the people involved. I'm sure the strippers didn't want anyone to know they were hanging out with politicians.

At least it was the young Republicans that did this. Could you imagine Bob Dole and John McCain walking in there?

Republican donors aren't happy about this. It's not fair that rich Republicans spend huge amounts of money at sex clubs and poor Republicans have to go to airport bathrooms.


President Obama's controversial new energy policy to destroy the Atlantic coast's continental shelf. Read that as move to higher ground, folks, the ocean is coming your way within 30 years just like in Louisiana as the oil companies create massive pot holes in the earth's crust and the natural gas companies depletes that pocket of gas that used to hold up the land your house is sitting on top of there, creating yet more sink holes. Does the greed and political enabling/pandering ever stop?

See Cartoons by Cartoon by John Cole - Courtesy of Politicalcartoons.com - Email this Cartoon

From Jimmy Fallon:


Today is April Fools' Day, that day of the year when you can't get anyone to believe anything you say — or as Gov. Paterson calls it, 'Any day.'

As part of an April Fools' Day prank, Google renamed itself 'Topeka.' As part of a really desperate prank, Yahoo renamed itself 'Google.'

During a speech at the White House, President Obama said that 'teleworking' from home can boost efficiency. Kind of interesting advice from a guy who just flew 13 hours to Afghanistan to say 'what's up.'

Hey, you guys, baseball season starts next week. And President Obama is going to throw out the first pitch at the Nationals game. Meanwhile, Joe Biden will be on hand to make the first error.

You guys hear about this? Sarah Palin has a new Fox News series, which is being described as a show about people with real-life tales of overcoming adversity. Hey, she should do a story about that guy who became the first black president. That would be a good story. Think about that one.

On the 'Today' show this morning, President Obama said that adjustments will need to be made to the new healthcare law. In fact, it's getting so many adjustments, Obama's now calling it the Heidi Montag of congressional bills.

In the same interview, President Obama said that his family has decided not to join any one, single church, because he causes too much of a disruption at services. At the last service, the priest was like, 'In the name of the Father, the Son and holy cow, the President!'



*** THANKS for visiting, feel welcome to drop a comment or opinion, enjoy bookmarking this post on your favorite social site, a big shout out to awesome current subscribers – and if you are new to this blog, please subscribe in a reader or by email updates!

Health Care Quips and Tea Party Jabs, Roundup of Late Night Comedy - 29 Mar 2010

See Cartoons by Cartoon by Jeff Parker - Courtesy of Politicalcartoons.com - Email this Cartoon

From Denny: And here they are in all their glory discussing the passage of the health care bill, the Tea Party, the mishandling - again - by the Catholic Church of yet more sex scandals, this time in Europe, our crazy American politics and even the Census. Enjoy the three video clips from Jon Stewart and Jimmy Fallon. Have a great work week! Oh, and wishing you a very Happy Easter! Try not to pig out on those rich chocolate bunnies... (save some for me)





From Jay Leno:


According to Men's Health magazine, 21 percent of men surveyed would rather have a sexier nurse than a more competent doctor when they're in the hospital. I say, why not have both? The government's paying for it now. Who cares?

Sarah Palin spoke out this week against the health care reform bill, saying, 'Elections have consequences.' Well, of course, elections have consequences. That's why right now, instead of being vice president of the United States, she's trying to get a reality show on the Animal Planet.

They're now looking into whether cosmic rays from outer space could be responsible for causing Priuses to accelerate. What, is Toyota blaming Klingons now?

Well, today, President Obama signed the landmark health care reform bill into law, or as President Obama refers to it, 'The Rush Limbaugh Deportation Act.'

President Obama, boy, he's feeling like a Toyota driver today. There's no stopping him.

I'll tell you how excited the president is. Today, he changed his slogan from 'Yes, we can,' to 'Yes, we finally did something.'

Of course, the White House is now denying it made any side deals with members of Congress to pass this bill. See, I don't know if that's true. Did you see Mount Rushmore today? They're adding Dennis Kucinich's face to it.

Of course, this all couldn't have been done without the help of Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. And today, the president thanked her for her unblinking support.

Actually, Nancy Pelosi used the Internet to help gain support for this. She reached out to people on her favorite social networking site, Icantmovemyfacebook.com.

And to help sell this plan to the American people, President Obama said it's the same plan Congress has. See, I think that's a mistake. I think that's why a lot of people opposed it. Have you seen members of Congress? Do they look healthy to you? Anybody here want to be as fat as Barney Frank? Huh? You want to be as orange as John Boehner? I don't think so.

And of course, a lot of right wingers are very upset about this because they believe this health care bill will cost a lot of money. You know what I think? Just pretend it's another unnecessary war. You'll feel better about it already.

And over the weekend, tens of thousands of illegal immigrants rallied across the country demanding a path to citizenship. Don't we have a path to citizenship? It's called the San Diego Freeway.

And the Pentagon is changing Army basic training for the first time in 30 years to deal with the fact that so many new recruits are so overweight. In fact, the Army's new slogan, 'Don't ask, no seconds.'

A lot of upsets over the weekend. Kansas lost to Northern Iowa. Georgetown lost to Ohio. Republicans lost to the Democrats.

Well, as you know, health care reform was passed by the House last night. Supporters of the bill say the American people now get the same health benefits members of Congress get, which is great. See, if we can just get some of those other perks — the free travel, the envelopes with the cash in them, the get-out-of-jail-free cards — oh, all of that could be great.

You know, not a single Republican voted for the health care bill. They claim the U.S. government isn't qualified to be in the health care business. Hey, kept Dick Cheney alive the last 30 years. It's got to be worth something.

Do you know who's going to be in charge of health care? The IRS No, this is true. The IRS will be in charge of enforcing the new health care laws. You thought you hated getting audited by the government? Wait until they're in charge of your prostate exam, O.K.?

And we're getting more details on what happened in the White House after the vote. In fact, the minute it passed, Joe Biden, he was speechless. So, right there, the bill is already paying dividends.

And before the vote, protesters on Capitol Hill heckled Nancy Pelosi. But she managed to keep a stiff upper lip, as well as a tightly stretched forehead, and an unnaturally arched eyebrow.

President Obama said last night this proves this is a government of the people, and by the people, except for the 55 percent of the people who opposed him.

See, and the nice thing is, if you lose your job, you know, you're still covered, which is great news for the Democrats in November.

And Defense Secretary Robert Gates announced, for the first time in the Navy's history, women will be allowed to serve on submarines. See, the problem before was they didn't want men and women spending time together in such unbelievably cramped quarters. And then they realized, 'Wait a minute, it's no different than flying Southwest.'

According to a new Gallup poll, Congress's approval rating is at an all-time low, 16 percent. Only 16 percent of Americans think Congress is doing a good job. The other 84 percent didn't get any bailout money.

And the famous jeweler, Tiffany & Company, announced their fourth-quarter profits were quadruple what they were this time last year. Experts say it's either a sign the economy is improving or more guys are getting caught cheating.

Bernard Madoff was assaulted back in November in a prison dispute over money. The authorities are investigating the attack and have narrowed the suspects down to 'everybody.'






Jon Stewart's Best Tea Bagger Moments - or How Odd The News Is These Days:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
On Topic: Scandal-List - Tea Bagging
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Health Care Reform

From David Letterman:



Oh, hey, are you ready for the 2010 census? It's going to be complicated this year. So the government should have patience. Here's part of the problem: Most Americans count as two.

Have you filled out a census form? Here's the deal: 10 questions in 10 minutes. That's what they're saying. Coincidentally, that is how John McCain chose his running mate.

You got to count everybody in your household for the census. Right now, Angelina Jolie is going through the place with one of those clickers.

You people are in such a great mood. I really appreciate it because on a day like this, it's lousy weather. Here in New York City, it was 49 and gloomy. You know, like Glenn Beck.

Are you folks happy about the health care bill reform that the Congress has passed? Some people are unhappy about it. A lot of people unhappy about it. Here are two reasons I'm unhappy about it. One, I love paying huge money for health care. And the other thing, I used to love driving to Canada to buy cheap drugs. I loved that, too. I am steamed.

This has been very divisive. The Republicans are thinking: 'O.K., all right. We didn't think this was going to go the way it went. Now we really got to get something together. We have to put our heads to this.' They've come up with a great plan that they think has legislative viability to repeal the health care reform bill. You know what it is? Four words. Four words: Hot tub time machine.

How about basketball? Anybody here suffering from March Madness? Well, don't worry. It's covered by the new health care plan.

Don't let people lie to you. We're not out of this recession. Anybody here think we're out of the recession? No, we're not out of it. We have no money. No jobs. The recession is still going strong. More trouble for the United States economy. The U.S. debt now may lose its triple-A rating. And I said to myself, 'Well, who cares what the auto club thinks?'

You know what's coming up is the 2010 Census form. You have to pick up your Census form. There will be some changes. First of all, when you hear the Census, you think, oh, please, mind your own business. But you can't have that attitude. You've got to pick up the Census form and fill it out. There's changes in the form this year. For example, under gender you have your choice — male, female, or gaga. It's a third category.

You have to include everybody in your house. For example, you must include people, even people who just sleep part-time in your house. They have to be included on the Census form. Like Sandra Bullock's husband.

Yesterday in Washington, D.C., history was made. Congress actually worked on a Sunday.

Congress passed the health care reform bill. Well, that was easy.

A lot of people are unhappy about the health care bill. Americans love paying sky-high medical bills. That's the problem.

And the Democrats were thrilled, as you can guess. And they got a little rowdy, as Democrats can do. They tipped over Rush Limbaugh.






From Jimmy Fallon:


Jersey Shore' is premiering in 30 different countries this week. It will be shown in France, except in France it's called 'Another Reason to Hate America.'

I was reading today that the whole healthcare fight took a big toll on Nancy Pelosi's popularity. Her favorability rating is down to 11 percent, making her the most disliked woman in America with less than eight kids.

Porn star Devon 'Triple X' James says that Tiger Woods paid her to have sex back in 2006. Hopefully this situation will make parents think twice before raising their daughters with the middle name 'Triple X.'

After signing the health care bill, Obama hugged Nancy Pelosi, twice. He called her one of the best speakers the House has ever had. And then he called Harry Reid one of the best majority leaders the Senate has ever had. Obama is either really excited about health care or totally wasted. 'I love you. I'm serious. You're the best. You guys are the best.'

Hawaii wants to be the location for President Obama's presidential library because that's where he was born and raised. But really, when you go to Hawaii, the first thought that comes to your mind is, 'I got to hit the library,' isn't it? So, it's kind of perfect.





Jimmy Fallon weights the pros and cons of the new health care just passed:









From Bill Maher:


The Democrats need 216 vote to pass health care reform. So you know, they have these little charts. And in the latest count, seven Democrats who were against it have now flipped. Four, after arm twisting by Obama. And three after tickling by Eric Massa.

People on the inside, you know with the inside information, say it does look good for the Democrats. Because, you know, they have this little inside stuff. They found out Nancy Pelosi called her plastic surgeon to ask if her smile would be ready for Sunday.

There’s a Congressman from Georgia named Paul Broun. He said, I’m not making this up, he said if Obama-care passes, that insurance card in your wallet is gonna be as worthless as the Confederate dollar after the Great War of Yankee Aggression … Is it OK now to call Republicans a bunch of crazy crackers?"

Netanyahu, the Prime Minister of Israel, his brother-in-law accused President Obama of being anti-Semitic. And Obama handled it gracefully. He said if I’m anti-Semitic, how come I bailed out all those Jew bankers?

New Rule: Stop worrying that crackpots are inserting their dogma into Texas schoolbooks. Sure, replacing Thomas Jefferson with Phyllis Schlafly is troubling, but it’s Texas. The only use Texans have for textbooks is to sit on them so they can get a better view of the football game. The last person to even notice Texas had schoolbooks was Lee Harvey Oswald.





From Craig Ferguson:


James Cameron, who directed 'Avatar,' is in a feud with Glenn Beck, because Cameron called him a mad man. The two are very different. One makes millions creating fictional stories, and the other is James Cameron.

The rising sea levels in the Indian Ocean have caused an island to vanish. Yesterday, Ben and Jerry were giving away free ice cream and today, global warming causes an island to disappear. It's a terrible rollercoaster week for Al Gore — so happy, but so alarmed.

What kind of a day is it for you? Because I think it is a great day for America! It is. And I'll tell you why. Because all day today Ben & Jerry's was giving out free ice cream. And Starbucks was giving out free pastries. Everybody's getting cocky now that there's free health insurance. Eat what you like. Diabetes? Who cares?



Jimmy Fallon's parody on VP Joe Biden's remark about how the passage of the health care bill is "a big f***ing deal!":







From Jimmy Kimmel:

Former Presidents Bill Clinton and George W. Bush traveled to Haiti this week to talk about the country's long-term recovery plan. It was a departure for President Bush. It's unusual for him to visit a disaster of this scope and magnitude that wasn't his fault.

President Obama won one of the great — they're calling it — the 'great legislative victories of the last 50 years' last night. He won health care reform approval to extend coverage to millions of uninsured Americans, or as the Republicans are calling it 'Armageddon.' Personally, I think it's great. Maybe now, I can finally get a gynecologist to see me.

Anti-health care reform protesters outside the Capitol were downright vicious. They yelled the N-word at black legislators, they yelled the F-word at gay legislators, they yelled the W-word at Latino legislators. It was like the Sesame Street of hate.

Tonight was the season premiere of season 10 of 'Dancing with the Stars.' It's a smaller cast, including Buzz Aldrin, whose wife commented on his chances to win. 'I don't think people realize Buzz is a risk-taker.' They don't? He went to the moon, you know, first. In a Toyota, by the way.

Buzz Aldrin, by the way, is 80 years old. How crazy would it be if one of the first men on the moon was killed in a dancing accident?

An entire day has passed since the healthcare reform was enacted, and the country has not been destroyed. You really can't trust politicians.

This morning, President Obama signed into law the health care bill that was passed by the House of Representatives on Sunday. The Republican Party is not happy about the bill. Senator John McCain told a radio show yesterday that the bill was done in quote, 'the most unsavory Chicago sausage-making' that he's seen in all his years. First of all, I can say from experience that there is nothing unsavory about Chicago sausage. It couldn't be more savory, in fact. And that's not a liberal or conservative point of view. That's an American statement right there, a fat American statement.

McCain also said that there will be no cooperation from Republicans for the rest of the year. So that should be good for the country.

What a shame to see all that cooperating end, you know? This is like the coyote announcing he's no longer cooperating with the road runner.

This is kind of crazy. I don't know if I believe this. A new Harris poll found that 57 percent of Republicans believe President Obama is a Muslim — 57 percent. 45 percent believe he was not born in the United States. 38 percent feel he's, quote, 'doing many of the things that Hitler did.' And 24 percent believe he may be the Antichrist. Oh, like Oprah would date the Antichrist.

That's ridiculous: 38 percent believe he's like Hitler? How is that possible? He doesn't even have a mustache. How could he be like Hitler? Did Hitler play basketball? No, seriously, did Hitler play basketball?


ALSO, more funny posts:

Funny Surfing Peruvian Alpaca

Funny Marriage Quotes


*** THANKS for visiting, feel welcome to drop a comment or opinion, enjoy bookmarking this post on your favorite social site, a big shout out to awesome current subscribers – and if you are new to this blog, please subscribe in a reader or by email updates!