Roundup of Late Night Funnies - 10 May 2010

You know that hurt!


From Denny: This week the news has focused upon the unfolding environmental disaster in the Gulf of Mexico off my Louisiana coast. The reason the BP oil spill is such a danger to Louisiana over the other Gulf states is because our shoreline is very jagged, full of marshlands that are habitats to wildlife. Those marshlands act as a barrier to slow down fierce hurricanes before they reach land. Those marshlands are also home to some good fishing that will be completely destroyed if the oil makes its way into those jagged areas. The oil will be too difficult to clean up in those areas. Fortunately, the Coast Guard is working feverishly by dumping tons of sand to plug the areas from the Gulf into the marshlands. It erodes as soon as they dump sand but it's better than nothing at all. You have to admire the effort as it may buy some time as clean up continues.

The comedians are not saying anything we aren't saying in Louisiana to joke about it. For the past several weeks, when there was a ban placed on fishing in the Gulf, diners have flocked to their favorite seafood restaurants like vultures on roadkill. There is some stock in freezers but when that runs out there won't be any more Louisiana Gulf shrimp, oysters or other fishes available.

One of the restaurant jokes around here in south Louisiana is there is a couple seated at a table in a fine dining restaurant. The server approaches the table with towel folded over his arm, ready to serve wine, and a pen and pad to take their order. The server proceeds to tick off the specials of the night to the couple when the man asks, "I suppose what you mean by blackened shrimp is that it's the chef who does the blackening, right?" Ah, BP oil spill humor...

The comics also lampooned the Time Square Bomber and Arizona immigration in relation to Cinco de Mayo holiday.

Be sure to check out these funny videos from this week:


Funny Video: Colbert Lampoons Conservative Preacher and His Rentboy

Funny Video: Stewart Slams Media, BP, And Hypocritical Politicians For Oil Spill Response

Funny Video: 2010 White House Correspondents Dinner with Prez Obama

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From David Letterman:


You folks been following the big British Petroleum oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? I'm telling you, British Petroleum has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders.

I was thinking about this. Here's what I came up with. Now, in Arizona, you know about the new immigration law, where if you don't look like you belong there, they can run you out of the state? And they've got patrol cars driving around, pulling up to people, saying: 'You don't look like you belong here. Get out!' So the deal is, in Arizona, they don't like immigrants. And I was thinking, well, that's odd, because right across the river there in California, they elected one governor.


David Letterman's "Top Ten Things Overheard At BP Headquarters"

10. 'Huh?'
9. 'Happy Cinco de Mayo. 'Nother margarita?'
8. 'We got a nice thank you note from the Toyota people'
7. 'Any way we can pin this on the Times Square bomber?'
6. 'We just got a nice thank you note from the Goldman Sachs people.'
5. 'I hope they get Robert Wagner to play me in the TV movie.'
4. 'One day, 10,000 years from now, we'll be able to look back on this and laugh.'
3. 'Let me tell you something, you can't buy this kind of publicity.'
2. 'Tell everybody it's our free oil giveaway bonanza.'
1. 'Everyone gets a bonus.'



This bombing plot here in Times Square is upsetting. Are we more upset about that than the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? Which do we hate worse? I think you've got to go with the oil spill. British petroleum, these boobs running this operation, they said: 'O.K., now wait a minute. It's just going to be a P.R. nightmare. What can we do? We'll give everybody a free tank of gas. All you have to do is drive your car right down next to the Gulf of Mexico.'

But BP plans to pay for the cleanup. Then they're going to ask for the bailout.

But they say the oil spill has the potential to kill more wildlife than a Sarah Palin hunting trip.

So it's British Petroleum, or BP. BP, of course, as in broken pipe.

Yeah, they plucked a guy off a plane. His name is Faisal Shahzad. They say he was a moody loner. Last year, he vacationed in the tribal regions of Pakistan. Well, no red flags there.

Mayor Bloomberg held a press conference. He described the bomb because everybody thought, wow, this is frightening. This is crazy. But the mayor said, no, the bomb was crude and amateurish. That's what a lot of people are saying about last night's show.

But don't you feel secure, ladies and gentlemen, knowing that the only thing standing between you and terrorism is a T-shirt vendor?

Experts say the FBI is saying potentially this thing could have been the biggest bomb on Broadway since Peter Pan, starring Kirstie Alley.

You know who was in town yesterday? Iranian dictator Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was here, and his Members Only jacket. He was speaking at the U.N. Now, seriously, New York City is not this guy's kind of town. Everybody here is either gay or Jewish. He had to get out. He said, 'No thank you.'

Anybody here from Arizona? Yeah, you know, they have this immigration law in Arizona. I guess it's because they share a border with Mexico. In essence, the new law in Arizona is if you don't look like you belong there, get out. And if you're in this country illegally, I think I speak for most Americans when I say, 'Qué?'

If you're in Arizona and you don't look like you belong there, they'll give you a simple test. You have to be able to identify four of Larry King's ex-wives.

Over the weekend, of course, down there in Washington, D.C., they had the big White House Correspondents' Dinner. Do you know who was really funny? President Obama. So funny, in fact, he has already been promised 'The Tonight Show' in five years.

Did you see Conan O'Brien on 60 Minutes? The guy told the 60 minutes team that NBC had broken his heart. And I thought, 'Welcome to the club, Coco. Welcome to the club.

But Conan declined to say anything or criticize Jay Leno. And here's how I look at this. I always say, 'If you can't say anything nice about Jay, well, let's hear it!'

Anybody from the Gulf of Mexico area? It's going to be the biggest ecological disaster on the history of the planet. And today, a tourist thought they saw a blowfish in the Gulf of Mexico. Turned out to be a flounder holding its breath.

British Petroleum says that they have a plan now to clean up the vast oil spill. You know what it is? Hot tub time machine.

Something very suspicious happened over the weekend. A car parked at, like, 45th and Broadway, very suspicious. And I'll tell you the most suspicious thing about the whole episode was that the guy found a parking place.

Thank God the car bombing was thwarted by an alert carjacker.

The Iranian dictator, Ahmadinejad, is in town. So for one day, Mayor Bloomberg is not the shortest dictator in New York.

Ahmadinejad has got a busy schedule. Today it is the U.N. And then tomorrow, he's going to be on 'The Rachael Ray Show,' filleting a camel.

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From Craig Ferguson:


Happy Cinco de Mayo. If you don't know what that means, maybe you're a little out of touch — or maybe you're the governor of Arizona.

A lot of the U.S. used to be part of Mexico, including Arizona. But they're a bit touchy about that right now.

I don't drink anymore for Cinco de Mayo. I celebrate with Mexican food, or as it's known in Mexico: 'food.'

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From Jimmy Kimmel:


Cinco de Mayo commemorates the Mexican Army's surprise victory over sobriety back in 1862.

Oddly, Cinco de Mayo is more popular here than in Mexico. Cinco de Mayo to us is what David Hasselhoff is to Germany.

Authorities say Faisal Shahzad, the Times Square bombing suspect, used the wrong kind of fertilizer, which is what happens when you don't watch Martha Stewart.

It was reported that Shahzad went to terrorist camp in Pakistan. Honestly, who are these parents that are sending their kids to terrorist camp?

Oil is still leaking off the coast of Louisiana. Lots of oil. BP, the company responsible for it, has a very good plan. BP is hoping to create a giant vinegar spill to turn the Gulf of Mexico into a delicious salad dressing.

Actually, what they're doing is spraying chemicals on the oil to try to disperse it. And some environmentalists say the chemicals pose their own dangers. But the company that makes them points out the active ingredient is the same thing they put in ice cream. BP is trying to get the spill reclassified from disaster to dessert.

The state of Arizona is the subject of a lot of controversy because of this new immigration law they passed. There were big demonstrations all around the country yesterday protesting it. Many people believe it's potentially racist, but the state announced today that despite the controversy, they're still planning to move ahead with their annual Cinco de Mayo party. I guess it's sort of a going-away thing.

Hey, if I was Latino, I don't think I would go to this. 'Don't worry. Get on these buses. We'll take you to the party. It'll be a lot of fun.'

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From Jimmy Fallon:


It's Cinco de Mayo, or as they call it in Arizona: May 5th.

Police in Texas arrested a man who was using the alias 'Barack Obama' while trying to steal money from 35 ATMs. They could tell something was up when a guy named Barack Obama was trying to take money from banks instead of giving it to them.

Nissan is recalling almost 135,000 Infiniti G35s to address an airbag problem. When Toyota heard that, they said, 'Airbags! I knew we forgot something.'

A new survey found that 12 percent of parents punish their kids by banning social networking sites. The other 88 percent punish their kids by joining social networking sites.

It's rumored that six pages from the script of the 'Lost' series finale have leaked online. BP executives were like: 'Oh my God! That's definitely the worst leak of all time, right?'

Well, scientists are predicting that the oil from the BP spill will eventually reach the shores of Florida. So if you hated visiting your grandparents before, wait until you're hosing down their oily bodies after a long day at the beach.

Hey, we caught a suspect in the failed Times Square attack. The suspect says he acted alone. Yeah, really alone. Even his bomb wasn't in on it.

Speaking of terrorism, two new videos from the Pakistani Taliban seem to show that their leader, Hakimullah Mehsud, is alive, even though the U.S. thought he was killed. So, either our intelligence is wrong or they're just shooting the new movie, 'Weekend at Hakimullah's.'

The Pakistani Taliban has claimed responsibility for Saturday's failed car bomb attack in Times Square. I'm no terrorism expert, but I don't think it makes you scarier when you claim responsibility for something that failed.

Have you guys been following the whole oil disaster? Yesterday, President Obama said: 'Let me be clear. BP is responsible for this leak. BP will be paying the bill.' And BP was like: 'Ah, bailout? Right?'

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From Jay Leno:


Phoenix Suns are all wearing jerseys that read 'Los Suns.' Thankfully, they can get the jerseys made quickly using an illegal sweatshop.

So, the Phoenix Suns are wearing jerseys written in Spanish, made in China, modeled after their best player, Canadian Steve Nash. There you go. That is America.

Folks, we're starting to learn more and more about that man arrested in the New York SUV car bombing case. His name is Faisal Shahzad. He's from Pakistan. What tipped off the authorities he might be the bomber? His name is Faisal Shahzad. He's from Pakistan.

Well, looks like this guy was having financial problems as well. Turns out his house was in foreclosure. See, apparently the Taliban does not pay very well. And not to mention, no benefits. Who would take a job as a car bomber where they tell you, you have to use your own car? That's unbelievable.

If any job should give you a company car, it's the car bomb business.

Anyway, the bomb turned out to be a dud, thankfully. But had it exploded, it would have been the biggest bomb to hit New York since the Knicks, I guess.

I don't understand the United Nations. They have selected Iran to sit on the U.N.'s women's rights panel. Iran! Also on the panel — Ben Roethlisberger, Chris Brown, Phil Spector, Robert Blake and committee chairman O.J. Simpson.

Hey, great news. They made an arrest today in that failed Times Square bombing attempt. It turns out the suspect is a foreign-born, naturalized American citizen. You know what that means? He would have been fine in Arizona.

His name is Faisal Shahzad. What, is Snoop Dogg naming terrorists now? They're still looking for his brother, Fo Shizzle. They don't know where he is.

Well, the amazing part, they arrested this guy. He was already on the plane. It was taxiing down the runway. They called the plane back. And they're calling it great work by Homeland Security, and I guess it is. I mean, that's one way to look at it. I mean, how about the fact that a Pakistani guy who bought a one-way ticket to the Middle East, reeking of fertilizer, made it through security and got on the plane. How did that happen?

You know who's really happy they took him off the plane? The guy sitting next to him. Smelling manure for 14 hours?

Anyway, police raided this guy's house. I guess it's in Bridgeport, Conn. Some of the neighbors say the suspect told them he worked on Wall Street, so they were relieved to find out he was just a terrorist.

The real hero in this story was the T-shirt vendor who told the policeman about the smoke coming from the SUV in Times Square. And for some reason, New York Mayor Bloomberg took the policeman to dinner but not the T-shirt vendor. Hey, you see the T-shirt he's selling today? It says: 'I saw the smoking SUV first. All I got was this lousy T-shirt.'

And I tell you, this Faisal guy, not the brightest terrorist. Did you see his bomb? Three bottles of Diet Coke and some Mentos. You know, that's not going to do a lot.

Anyway, it turns out this Faisal Shahzad has got a Facebook page. We looked it up. Let's see who his friends are. Look, bin Laden, Ahmadinejad and Danny Bonaduce. What are his favorite activities? What have we got there? We got beach volleyball, rollerblading. Look, blowing up Nissan Pathfinders.

Let's see what's going on at BP, which stands for, of course, big problems.

On Monday, British Petroleum promised to pay all necessary cleanup costs for this oil spill. And they said they will do it, no matter how much they have to raise gas prices.

Well, here's something kind of embarrassing. The government has called off the Safety Awards for Excellence ceremony that was supposed to take place this week, in honor of outstanding safety and pollution prevention. And British Petroleum, the one that was responsible for the big oil spill in the Gulf, was one of the three finalists for the award. I believe the other two were China and the volcano in Iceland.

And former aides to John Edwards are now claiming that Rielle Hunter lied to Oprah during her interview last week. Let me tell you something. You can lie in court in this country. You can lie at work. When you lie to Oprah, that is downright un-American.

Iranian President Mahmoud 'I'm-a-nutjob' is in New York City. He spoke at the U.N. today. He arrived in New York on Saturday night; he rented an SUV and parked it in Times Square.

Well, as you know — this is pretty serious — somebody tried to detonate an SUV rigged with explosives in Times Square. SUV turned out to be a Nissan Pathfinder. Probably, the bombing suspect realized if he'd been driving a Toyota, he would have been putting his own life in danger.

Experts say if this SUV bomb had gone off, it could have caused almost as much damage to New York City as Goldman Sachs.

And the oil from that oil rig that exploded in the Gulf of Mexico spewing five times as much oil as first was estimated. When former President George W. Bush heard about this, he said: 'Wait a minute. You mean we have oil here?'

Today, British Petroleum said they're doing everything they can to control this leak. Really? Two hundred thousand gallons? That's a leak? The pipe under my bathroom. That's a leak, O.K.? This is a gusher.

And the environmental impact from this is unbelievable. They say a lot of birds are trying to leave the area. And, today, Arizona issued a warning — any birds flying in from out of state will be stopped and arrested.

As you know, Arizona has passed the strictest immigration law in the country. It's scaring everybody. In fact, today, Taco Bell changed their name to Skippy's.

The governor of Florida, Charlie Crist, announced he is quitting the Republican Party to run for the Senate as an independent. And today, it became official — the Republicans took away his lesbian strip club VIP card.

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Roundup of Late Night Funnies - 3 May 2010

Photo by nao-cha @ flickr


From Denny: Since I live on the Gulf Coast and in the state of Louisiana, I've been watching this BP oil spill closely. Only Colbert can capture how we really feel about this Big Business billion dollar mess that usually ends up on the doorstep of the local taxpayers in Louisiana.

Right now BP and Prez Obama are claiming BP will pay for the clean-up and huge economic impact. Yeah? Prove it. Already BP is starting to "crawfish" (in Louisiana parlance that means to back up on your word or action) I guarantee when the cameras lights are turned off and the media goes home and the story is no longer prominent, it's Louisiana taxpayers who end up footing the bill.

In other funny and strange news, former President Bush announced his new book coming out in November. It's May - so why do we need to be forewarned...? Everyone in America rolled their eyes at this news.

We all know what's really going on here. Here's the deal: Karl Rove went to Laura and George Bush and said, "Look, we have to get the Republicans back into power so I wrote a book for each of you."

"Oh, you did? Uh, why?" both Bushes reply.

"Just sign on the dotted line," says Rove, in a hurry to run back to his propaganda factory. "You will be well compensated for your lies. Just make sure you claim you were on board all along and authored the books."

"Works for me," says George, "always glad to make money off people crazy enough to believe those lies. I lied my a$$ off for eight years. Might as well keep the tradition going." He grins.






Meanwhile, get a chuckle from Colbert's view about the oil slick:

Video: Colbert on Gulf Coast oil spill by British Petroleum

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From Jay Leno:

And because of that big oil rig fire down there in the Gulf of Mexico, it's now leaking oil into the gulf at a rate of 210,000 gallons of oil a day. That is the equivalent of 10 buckets of fried chicken.

And the White House's top budget director — a man named Peter Orszag — warned that out-of-control deficits will mortgage our future to foreign creditors. Now, of course, people were stunned when they heard this. 'What? The White House has a budget director? Where has he been?'

And the world-renowned physicist, Stephen Hawking, you know that guy? He says in his documentary, aliens do exist, but he says it's best we do not try to interact with them. In fact, he's against giving them driver's licenses.

Well, as you know, Arizona has passed the strictest immigration law in the country, and in response, the mayor of San Francisco is pushing for a boycott of the state of Arizona. This could be devastating to gay rodeos.

They're not the only ones boycotting. Today, Mexican gangs are threatening to cut off the state's drug supply.

And we have Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger here tonight. In fact, in a week from now, he'll issue his annual Cinco de Mayo message. Well, see, that shows you how different California is. An Austrian governor who speaks English with a German accent congratulating Spanish-speaking people before they drive their Japanese cars to work in a factory owned by the Chinese.

Publishers announced that former President George Bush's book will be released Nov. 9. The book is called 'Decision Points.' The title is based on the fact whenever a decision needed to be made, Bush would point to Cheney.

Arizona has passed the strictest immigration bill in American history. A hundred people have been stopped already — and that was just in one van.

Congress has voted against giving itself a pay raise. They thought giving themselves a pay raise now would be unpopular. I think giving them any pay at all right now is unpopular.

President Obama's National Security Adviser James L. Jones apologized for telling an ethnic joke at a speech. Political insiders were shocked — someone said something stupid and inappropriate and it wasn't Joe Biden?

An oil slick the size of Rhode Island is making its way across the Gulf of Mexico. An oil slick the size of Rhode Island — isn't that called New Jersey?

The famous scientist Stephen Hawking says in a new documentary not only does he believe aliens exist, he believes we should not make contact with aliens because they could be very angry beings, especially aliens from Arizona.

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As you know, Arizona recently passed the toughest anti-immigration bill in American history. The idea behind this bill is to drive illegal immigrants out of Arizona and back to their homeland of Los Angeles.

I called the governor's office in Arizona today, and the recorded message said press one for English, press two for English, press three for English.

This new law is pretty strict. You can't use the slogan 'what can brown do for you?' anymore. Can't even use that.

Ironically, after they passed this new law, you know how they celebrated at the statehouse? Shots of tequila.

The top executive of Goldman Sachs testified before Congress today, which proves crooks always return to the scene of the crime.

So today you had lawyers, congressmen and bankers in the same room. That's like the trifecta of lying.

And the cover story of this week's Newsweek magazine is about Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and how President Obama sends her out to crack down on misbehaving world leaders. Gee, I wonder where she learned to do that?

President Obama is now considering giving approval for the development of a hyper-supersonic missile that can reach anywhere in the world in an hour. It's a joint venture between the U.S. military and Domino's Pizza.

Well, it was an announced today that President Bush's book will be released Nov. 9. The book will be called 'Decision Points.' It will be centered on 14 decisions President Bush made during his presidency. See, this should silence the critics who claim Dick Cheney made all of the decisions. This book will prove Bush made at least 14 of them.

Last week, President Obama gave a speech in New York City about his plan to reform these rules on Wall Street, you know? And one embarrassing moment. When the head of Goldman Sachs was going through security, he was asked to empty his pockets and five Republican senators fell out.

You probably heard about this. Both President Obama and Vice President Joe Biden took some heat for flying separately to New York City last week because it was Earth Day, and they got heat for flying on two separate planes. Though in fairness, they can't fly together because of security reasons. Or at least that's what Obama told Biden.

And the state of Arizona, has a new slogan: 'get out.'

Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer signed the nation's toughest anti-immigration bill into law. It's unbelievable. It makes it a crime as a state law to be in the country illegally. It lets police question anyone about their status. You know what this means? Rich people in Arizona may have to start raising their own children now.

It's an unbelievable law. And it's already starting to backfire. Today, a group of Native Americans pulled over a bunch of white guys and said, 'Let's see your papers.'

The U.S. Treasury unveiled the new version of the $100 bill last week. They needed to come out with a new one because, apparently, China has all the old ones.

China is now considering easing up on that policy one-child-per-family law they have down there. For years, they have only allowed one child per household. Now, a factory — well that can have as many children as they need.

During the economic meltdown, employees at the SEC were using government computers to watch pornography. Ironically, while they were watching porn, the other employees were watching Goldman Sachs screw the entire country.

One SEC employee spent up to eight hours a day looking at porn. And the worst part is, he billed them for 10 hours.

President Obama gave a speech in New York about his plans to reform the rules for Wall St. A lot of Wall St. executives were shaking in their boots when the president showed up. The bad news is, they were $800 Italian leather boots that were bought with our bailout money.





Jon Stewart lampoons the controversial and odd Arizona new immigration law:

Video: Jon Stewart Lampoons Arizona Immigration Law

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From David Letterman:


There's a show on CBS called 'The Mentalist.' It's about a detective with heightened powers of observation. Let me give you an example of how good this guy is. This guy is so good, he can tell the difference between a Goldman Sachs executive that is a lying crook and a Goldman Sachs executive that's a lying weasel. He's that good.

Former President George Bush is writing his memoir, and his wife, Laura Bush, also writing a book called, I believe, 'From the Heart.' And she talks about one time she and her husband, she believes when they were at a summit meeting in Germany, they were actually poisoned. That's German food for you.


David Letterman's "Top Ten Other Revelations in the Laura Bush Book"

10. Keeps slim by wrasslin' gators.
9. As a little girl, dreamed of one day marrying America's worst President.
8. Required extra staffers to cut up President's pretzels.
7. Thought she was marrying Jeb.
6. That poisoning incident? Turns out George ate a Duraflame log.
5. George still works on his cheerleading routines.
4. At their house, it's always happy hour!
3. George loves M&Ms because he thinks they have Dubyas on ‘em.
2. George W. Bush is so dumb, he once got tangled in a cordless phone.
1. Keeps the ‘Mission Accomplished' banner above the bed.


George W. Bush's memoir is coming out in November. It's called 'Decision Points' and it's about big decisions in his life. I've already made a decision not to read it.

Bush is working very hard on the book, making revisions. In fact, his computer screen is covered with White-Out.

They asked him if he used a ghostwriter and he said, 'No, the guy's still alive.'

How many people are here just because you're hiding from the Arizona police?


David Letterman's "Top Ten Signs Your Governor Is Nuts"

10. Signs a bill outlawing illegal immigration, and also legal immigration
9. Keeps a tip jar on the desk
8. Claims to be governor of Margaritaville
7. After meeting with Schwarzenegger, raves, 'This guy is a genius!'
6. Last-minute iPhone calls to commute death sentences fail because he's using AT&T
5. Signs all legislation with his tongue
4. Just ordered the deportation of guys named Scott or Todd
3. Thinks Ricky Martin just needs to find the right girl
2. Used immigration bill to kick George Lopez out of his time slot
1. Even Rod Blagojevich thinks the dude is crooked


Anybody here from Arizona? They have that new tough immigration law, and they say now because they're getting a lot of reaction, they're saying it isn't targeted to Mexicans. The immigration law, they said, is not about keeping Mexicans south of the border. As a matter of fact, they had a crew out today of government agents looking for Dutch people.

Senator John McCain supported Arizona's new immigration bill. John McCain, also an immigrant. He came over on the Mayflower.

Here, this is good. Going to be ready for you in November. Going to be in bookstores in November. It's George W. Bush's memoir. It's about 14 key decisions that George W. Bush made in his life. For example, his decision to move Jay to 10 p.m. is covered in the book.

The book will be ready in November. Bush is making last-minute revisions right now. As a matter of fact, his computer screen is covered with whiteout.

And the publisher says that the book contains quite a discussion about all of the mistakes that he made and all of the problems and all of the trouble that he caused. Boy, that will be a long book.

And his wife, Laura Bush, also has written a book. They're going to be published at the same time. Both have memoirs. Her story and his story. I was thinking, well, whose book would you rather read? The one by the librarian or the one by the guy who choked on a pretzel?


David Letterman's Top Ten Thoughts That Went Through George W. Bush's Mind As He Wrote His Memoirs

10. 'What's a memoir?'
9. 'Is 36 pages enough?'
8. 'You know who was a great band? Foghat!'
7. 'Taco break!'
6. 'How cool is it that I was president? Come on, up high!'
5. 'Jerky break!'
4. 'Chapter Eight: The day I went 5-for-5 in White House T-ball. And no gimmies. All ropes!'
3. 'What? Ricky Martin's gay?'
2. 'Do you spell nucular with 2 'o's or an 'ew'?'
1. 'Shouldn't Cheney be the one writing this?'

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From Jimmy Fallon:


A man on a Delta flight from Paris to Atlanta claimed he had explosives in his luggage. Officials told the man it was a federal offense, while Delta told him he'd have to pay an extra $15 per carry-on bomb.

During a Goldman Sachs hearing yesterday, Sen. Carl Levin used the S-word 11 times on live television when quoting an e-mail. Which begs the question — if a guy swears on C-SPAN and there's no one watching to hear it, does he really make a sound?

Rolls-Royce is offering the Pentagon a special deal on engines for the Joint Strike Fighter jet. Not to be outdone, Toyota is offering a special deal on engines for kamikaze pilots.

After meeting with his deficit commission today, President Obama said that it's a lot easier to spend a dollar than it is to save one. Even the deficit commission was like, 'Who invited grandpa?'

George W. Bush's memoir is coming out Nov. 9. On the cover, Bush is wearing a dark suit and holding a briefing book with his head slightly turned from the camera, or as Bush calls it, 'posing all serious-like.'

Actually, the book is called 'Decision Points,' and 1,000 signed, cloth-bound copies will be sold for $350 each. Each one will say: 'Thanks for reading about my decisions. Sincerely, Dick Cheney.'

Bush's memoir is going to be titled 'Decision Points.' That sounds like the reward system that was used to get Bush to do things when he was in office, doesn't it? 'So, if I sign that paper with the law on it, how many decision points do I get? Like, five decision points, six? Last Wednesday, I got a silver star and a smiley face.'

President Obama met with the Yankees to congratulate them on their World Series win. The New York Yankees' Derek Jeter said, 'You never get tired of meeting the president.' And then John McCain said, 'I'm pretty much over it.'

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From Jimmy Kimmel:


Gov. Rick Perry of Texas shot a coyote while he was jogging. Who carries a gun while jogging? I can barely manage my iPod.

I like the idea of runners carrying guns. Think of how interesting the Boston Marathon will be.

The International Olympic Committee stripped China of its bronze medal in the women's team gymnastics event from the 2000 Olympics because they fielded an underage athlete. Ten years later, when she still hadn't finished high school, they figured it out.

Stephen Hawking says he does believe in aliens but we shouldn't try to contact them. I want nothing to do with aliens — I'm fine with Canadians though.

The Senate held hearings on what role Goldman Sachs played in the mortgage meltdown of 2008. They allegedly sold bad mortgages to their clients and then bet against them to make profits for themselves. I think that’s what the 'American Idol' judges are doing to us this season with these crappy singers.

Former President George W. Bush is working on his memoirs. I'm excited just to hear him pronounce the word 'memoirs.'

The title of Bush's memoir is 'Decision Points." It narrowly edged out his original title, which was 'My Bad.'

Crown Publishing has given a November release date for what they're saying is an incredibly honest account of key decision in the President's life. There's a whole chapter dedicated to smooth vs. crunchy.

Is it really a good thing for President Bush to remind us of the decisions he made? I would have just let people forget.

He's even working on his follow-up to Decision Points, which is supposed to be released next year – it's called Decision Pants. It's about all the tough decision he's faced with every morning when he puts his clothes on.

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Colbert Lampoons Immigration and Pot Smokers - Roundup of Late Nite Comedy 26 Apr 2010

From Denny: If only I could stay up late and watch all the late night comics all at once... The next best thing is to corral all their funny quips about the state of affairs in America and the world into one post. These guys are the social commentators of our time!

Included also are some of the latest (since Saturday) political cartoons just released with references to the sex crazed Republican National Committee, Earth Day and Arizona immigration.

Check out the latest Colbert Report video clips as he lampoons the new Arizona immigration bill and has some fun with the pot smoking community.

Thanks for stopping by for a visit and enjoy the start to your work week with a lots of laughs to keep you going until Friday blissfully arrives! :)



From Jay Leno:


One good thing came out of this volcano in Iceland. Economists say consumers can expect a huge drop in the price of lava lamps.

President Obama gave a speech in New York about his plans to reform the rules for Wall St. A lot of Wall St. executives were shaking in their boots when the president showed up. The bad news is, they were $800 Italian leather boots that were bought with our bailout money.

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Happy Earth Day. To demonstrate their commitment, environmentalists all across the country risked their lives driving Toyota Priuses.

According to USA Today, 71 percent of American households have already filled out and returned their census. That's the good news. The bad news — they filled it out in Spanish.

President Obama met with Wall Street executives today. He told them to stop fighting this financial reform. But the Wall Street executives are kind of copping an attitude with the president. You know, I got an idea. Forget financial reform. Let's put them in prison. Call it prison reform. See how they like it then.

Oh, yeah. They don't want the government messing with their business unless it's a bailout. Then, 'Please!'

To give you an idea how popular President Obama is around the world — he's probably the most popular leader in the world — this is amazing. They opened a nightclub in China named after President Obama. It will be an Obama-themed nightclub. Here's the amazing thing — hasn't even opened yet and already $12 trillion in debt.

Well, the government said today Somali pirates being held in U.S. custody will be brought to the United States for prosecution, and they will be tried by a jury of their peers. So I'm guessing that's what, Goldman Sachs?

You see this on the news? Gay and lesbian activists chained themselves to the White House fence to protest the 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy. And when Republican Party officials saw the lesbians chaining themselves to the fence, out of force of habit, they paid $2,000 to watch.

A new study shows that fewer and fewer immigrants are sending money they earn here back home. They'd like to, but there's no one left at home. They all live here now. They just send it across the street.

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This is rather disturbing. A government panel made up of all retired military personnel says that the school lunches are a threat to our national security because they make our kids too fat to serve the country. It's unbelievable. Remember the old days, when the Army wanted the best and the brightest? Now they're stuck with the biggest and the widest.

Here's something great. General Motors today paid back all the government loans five years ahead of schedule. Amazing what hard work, careful planning and Toyotas rolling over and crashing into trees can do for you.

And unemployment here in California, over 12 percent now. Give you an idea how bad it is, you know the best way to make money in California now? Marrying and divorcing Larry King.

Well, in an interview on the 'Today' show, Bill Clinton told Jenna Bush Hager, who is George Bush's daughter, that his only involvement in the planning of his daughter Chelsea's wedding is paying the bill. Although, since he's a Democrat, he doesn't actually pay the bill himself; he leaves it for future generations of Americans. But you get the idea.

For those of you visiting from Iceland, happy Ash Wednesday.

The British government sent a warship to France to bring home stranded Britons. There was an embarrassing moment — when the ship pulled up to the port, the French immediately surrendered.

The volcano was spewing out so much ash that now, the Catholic Church is saying it couldn't even see what it was doing wrong.

The giant cloud of ash over Amsterdam is so bad that you can't even see the giant cloud of hashish.

According to a top Iranian cleric, earthquakes and volcanoes are caused by women wearing immodest clothing. Or as most guys would call it: a fair trade-off.

President Obama and some prominent Democrats proposed a solution to the erupting volcano — they want to pour money into it.

Toyota is recalling 600,000 minivans because the spare tire holder can break and the spare tire can go flying down the highway. It's bad enough Toyota cars can run you off the road — now the parts are chasing you down the street.


*** Colbert lampoons the 4/20 pot smoking holiday, trying to kill their buzz. Colbert satirically warns that pot smoking could lead to awful tragedies like the music group Phish getting back together and other horrific occurrences.

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From Jimmy Kimmel:


A new poll found that a substantial number of Americans still aren't convinced that President Obama was born in the United States. Only 58 percent believe that Obama was born here, and 20 percent think he was born in another country. I don't believe Obama was born at all.

Vice President Biden appeared on 'The View.' They were trying to set the Guinness Record for most Botox on one couch. And they did, so congratulations.

Happy Earth Day to everyone. An estimated one billion people celebrate Earth Day. Al Gore, in particular, is wasted right now.

Yesterday was 4/20, known to stoners around the country as National Weed Day. There were pro-marijuana legalization rallies all around the country, especially here in California, where freedom fighters like this guy exercised their right to free speech vigorously. 'Here in the meadow, people were chilling out. Some, maybe too much. We're here just to have a bunch of fun in a field.' That's a good way to spend a Tuesday, while your parents are paying tuition.

The Fox network had their annual telethon 'Idol Gives Back.' I was hoping they would give back the hundreds of hours I've wasted watching 'American Idol.'

The new $100 bill was unveiled today. So if you have any old $100 bills, you can throw them away now.

The Supreme Court is hearing a case about 'sexting.' Apparently the justices of the Supreme Court are not up to date on technology. Chief Justice Roberts asked what is the difference between an e-mail and a pager. Justice Roberts is only 55 years old. He's young enough to be Larry King's next wife.

Today is April 20, which is like Christmas for pot-smokers. It all started in the 1700s when St. Patrick drove the stoners out of Ireland with a pack of Twinkies.

In celebration of 4/20, the volcano in Iceland is still smoking. And it just asked for Hot Pockets.

Travelers have been stranded in dozens of countries, but they're finally allowing flights to take off to countries that no one likes.

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From David Letterman:


You know, a lot of people were flying and got delayed by the Icelandic volcano, and everybody is upset. They lost billions of dollars in revenue. And I said, 'O.K., it's kind of their fault. I mean to be flying during the volcano season, come on! Are you nuts? Really? Your own fault.'

Here is a story that is kind of perplexing: 221 years ago, George Washington went to the library here in New York, took out some books, never returned them. 221 years of overdue library fines. I tell you something, ladies and gentlemen, if you want to blame this economic crisis on a president, what about that guy?

Here's news now from the Supreme Court. Justice John Paul Stevens is retiring. He's in his 90s, Justice John Paul Stevens. Said he has had enough, wants to spend more time judging his family.

President Obama is here to announce his peace initiative for Mr. and Mrs. Larry King.

Justice John Paul Stevens is retiring. Don't worry, he's getting his own show on TBS.

Al Pacino is starring in a TV movie, where he plays Dr. Jack Kevorkian. Did they not even look at my audition tape? … Dr. Kevorkian was a killing machine. He pulled more plugs than Jay Leno.

Talking about air travel and the volcano. The good news, ladies and gentlemen, regular airline service is resuming. The bad news — regular airline service is resuming.

Is anyone here stranded because of the volcano? Well, that's what you get for traveling during volcano season.

Because of the volcano, the airlines lost $2 billion. Usually, all they lose is my luggage.

Because of the volcano in Iceland, thousands of travelers are stranded with no place to sleep, eat, or shower. This is the kind of thing that can really take the fun out of air travel.

"The name of the volcano is Eyjafjallajökull. It's the scariest thing out of Iceland since Björk in that swan outfit.

The volcano cloud is gritty ash and it's making its way toward Russia. In fact, Sarah Palin can see it from her house.



David Letterman's Top Ten Goldman Sachs Excuses


10. Huh?
9. You're saying 'fraud' like it's a bad thing
8. Planned on using money to buy everyone in America delicious KFC Double Down sandwich
7. Distraught over George Lopez's move to midnight
6. We were framed by evil menswear company Goldman Slacks
5. Since when are financial institutions not allowed to screw their customers?
4. Hey sport, how much to make these questions go away?
3. America needed a villain both Republicans and Democrats can hate
2. Everyone we ripped off got an 'I Got Cheated By Goldman Sachs' tote bag
1. Uhh, it's Obama's fault?



*** Colbert pokes jabs at the state of Arizona for passing controversial bold new immigration bill which basically legalizes the harassment of Latinos. Colbert thinks the new strategy is one to irritate and frustrate the Latino community to the point they will get fed up and leave on their own.

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From Craig Ferguson:


Today the U.S. Treasury released its new $100 bill. It's the most high-tech piece of currency the world has ever seen — until Apple comes out with the '$100 bill Nano.'

Happy birthday to Jack Nicholson today, and also it's Earth Day. Planet Earth and Jack Nicholson are different, of course — one is a giant object ravaged by years of abuse and we're running out of time to save it, and the other one is Earth.

The movie 'Avatar' is out on DVD today. James Cameron wanted it to be released on Earth Day because nothing says 'save the planet' like millions of plastic DVD cases.

It's the 40th Earth Day, which is bad news for Earth. Once you get in your forties, your equator expands, your poles start to melt — soon you'll look as bad as Uranus.

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From Bill Maher:


Oama is getting his mojo back. Apparently, he's going to get this financial package. That's right, the financial package is going through. He got health care. He got that nuclear weapons treaty… He's on a roll and he's taunting his critics. His new slogan is, 'Change You Can Suck On.'

Arizona's Governor had been stalling, you know, on signing this. She said it did not reflect any ambivalence about the bill. She just wanted to make sure her pool was clean and her lawn was mowed before she signed. – on Arizona's immigration bill.

The entire rig sunk. Republicans in Washington today voted to lower flags to half staff in honor of the tragic loss of oil. - on the oil rig in The Gulf of Mexico

What is it with radical Muslims and cartoons? They watch more cartoons than pot-heads. – on the group threatening the "South Park" creators

The problem with the Tea Party movement, besides their almost universal rejection of dentistry, is that they want money for nothing and chicks for free. They want a deregulated free market and their jobs to stay here in the US; they want guaranteed health coverage regardless of preexisting conditions without a big government mandate; they want to call themselves tea baggers and people to keep a straight face. And of course they want big tax cuts along with deficit reduction. I can't even think of a suitable analogy for that disconnect – it's like thinking getting a handjob will clean your garage.

New Rule: Since the Icelandic volcano obviously needs a virgin sacrifice and the Catholic Church obviously needs new leadership the Pope must volunteer to jump in the volcano. Pontiff, don't think of it as endorsing paganism, think of it as supersizing Ash Wednesday. – in his "New Rules" segment

New Rule: If the water in your river makes the male fish grow vaginas, stay thirsty. 90% of Washington D.C.'s drinking water comes from the Potomac, a river so polluted with hormones it makes fish change sex. If I wanted to drink something that makes me grow a vagina, I'd order a wine cooler. – in his "New Rules" segment




From Seth Meyers:


This week Arizona signed the toughest illegal immigration law in the country, which would allow the police to demand identification papers from anyone they suspect is in the country illegally. I know there are some people in Arizona worried that Obama is acting like Hitler, but can we all agree that there's nothing more Nazi than saying, `Show me your papers?' There's never been a WWII movie that didn't include the line, `Show me your papers.' It's their catchphrase. Every time someone says `Show me your papers,' Hitler's family gets a residual check. So heads up Arizona, that's fascism. I know, I know, it's a dry fascism, but it's still fascism. - on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"




From Jon Stewart:


Look I'm sorry I told you to go f**k yourself last week (and that other time, like, six months ago.) I know that I criticize you and Fox News a lot, but only because you're truly a terrible, cynical, disingenuous news organization.

Fox News: You are the lupus of news.

And with a nod to Groundhog Phil who predicted six more weeks of winter this year: Everyone knows if a Republican comes out of the closet and sees a gay shadow, it means six more years of a Democratic administration.


*** AND in the news today:

Scumbag Walmart Lawsuit Caught, Scumbag Goldman Sachs Email Guilty, Scumbag GOP Denies Scumbag Reform - News Headlines 26 Apr 2010


*** THANKS for visiting, feel welcome to drop a comment or opinion, enjoy bookmarking this post on your favorite social site, a big shout out to awesome current subscribers – and if you are new to this blog, please subscribe in a reader or by email updates!

Hey, Tea Party, Give Up Your Socialism Social Security Checks - Roundup of Late Night Comedy 19 Apr 2010

From Denny: Between Wall Street and the ridiculous - and that clown-filled wing nut - Republican Tea Party we have plenty to laugh at this week! Politics and finances are an endless source of revenue for comics every time they open their mouths. And how about those cartoonists? They sure know how to draw those Fat Cat Bankers and Wall Street villains.

This roundup is catching us up on the tax day quips and latest funny videos aimed at the bizarre Tea Party folks who seem to enjoy making fools of themselves while trying to denounce people who are actually working for a living.

Did you ever wonder where these Tea Party people find the time - and the money - to show up at these events? How many are retired on our taxpayer money - living on our "Socialist" dime? How many are using our taxpayer funded "Socialist" Medicare and Medicaid yet denounce it in the same breath as they take advantage of it?

How many are taking Social Security, you know, "Socialism" at its ugliest. I challenge the Social Security Tea Party folks to end their hypocrisy and put their money where their mouth is: quit taking Social Security checks every month. Voluntarily give up those checks.

Alternative option to sending those Social Security checks back to the government you despise and take for granted: Send me your Social Security checks, folks. I know how important it is to you to not be freaking hypocrites. I solemnly promise to guard that money with my very own bank account and not redistribute the wealth. :)

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From Jay Leno:


It is April the 15th. This is a day we all curse like Vice President Joe Biden.

President Obama released his tax return today. He didn't owe a lot in taxes. He has a lot of dependents. He's got his wife, two daughters, A.I.G., General Motors, Goldman Sachs.

Hey, you probably heard about this on the news. Now being reported that the terrorist organization Al Qaeda is in financial ruin. To give you an idea what bad shape they're in, today I saw a terrorist buying a shoe bomb at Payless.

Well, do you know this story? Toyota has stopped selling their Lexus SUV because it poses a high risk of rolling over. But according to a Zogby poll, 62 percent of Americans believe that Toyotas are safe or safer than other vehicles. The other 38 percent are still in critical condition.

A giant cloud of ash from a volcano in Iceland has stopped air traffic all across Europe. The airlines are jumping all over this. They're now charging passengers a $400 volcanic ash cloud fee.

Researchers found that you are more likely get germs from money than any other object. … Really? Then how come poor people aren't healthier?

The Obama administration's top science and technology official has warned the United States cannot expect to be No. 1 in science and technology forever. Did you know we were No. 1 now? If we're No. 1 in technology, why do I have to call India for tech support, OK?

The Pentagon says that Al Qaeda is now in financial ruin. I tell you, Goldman Sachs, they screwed everybody.

Actually, Al Qaeda should have seen it coming. You know who's in charge of the finances? Osama ben Bernanke.

Well, the big story is the president of China, Hu Jintao, I believe his name is pronounced, is in Washington this week. Boy, it's causing some controversy. You may have heard about this. President Obama was seen bowing to the Chinese leader. Well, he has to. I mean, the rent is going to be late again next month.

In fact, leaders of 40 nations are in Washington this week for the nuclear summit. And the president of China was supposed to speak first. And that caused a lot of confusion when the moderator said: 'Who's on first?' 'Yes.' 'No, who?' 'Yes.' 'No, who?' 'Yes.' And it went back and forth. It got a little confusing.

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And 89-year-old supreme court justice John Paul Stevens has announced he is retiring. He's going to be 90 this year. In fact, the other Supreme Court justices have to keep reminding him to close his robe.

A woman named Sue Lowden is a Republican running for the Senate in Nevada. You know this health care thing? The Republicans are against it. She says one of the ways you can keep the cost of your health care down is to barter with your doctor. You know, trade with him. That's a great idea. But what if your doctor is not Amish? O.K., what do you do then?

According to the Pentagon, Al Qaeda is in financial ruin. Good. I think that's called Al Karma.

Well, according to the Pentagon, Al Qaeda is in financial ruin. You know why they're broke? Health insurance premiums.

Well, the big news is Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens is retiring. I mean, this won't affect as many Americans as when Paula left 'American Idol,' but it's still a big deal.

Tiger Woods said he would try to keep his emotions under control, but after a bad swing, he used the F-word. Who does he think he is — vice president of the United States?

In a speech, the chairman of the Republican National Committee, Michael Steele, said 'I am the first here to admit I've made mistakes.' Then the stripper giving him a lap-dance said it will still be 20 bucks.



'SNL' Mocks Tea Baggers' Outfits, Signs, And Lack Of Humor

From Comedy Central: Bill Hader made an appearance as James Carville last night on "Weekend Update," and had some fun at the Tea Baggers expense.

Referring to their dispeasure with Obama poking fun at them, Carville pretty much spelled it out: "You can't dress how you dress and not expect jokes. You're wearing colonial costumes. And not even the whole costume...Which Founding Father wore the tri-corner hat with an Orlando Magic jersey?"






From Bill Maher:


What a day for the tea party people. Did you see that? America’s parks and fairgrounds were lost in a sea of man-boobs. They were venting their anger and rage against taxes, which, of course, in most cases for them went down. Protesting their taxes went down – but you know, why let the truth spoil a perfectly good Klan rally.

Federal taxes last year when down for 98 percent of people, but when asked about this, only 12 percent of the Teabaggers thought this was the case. 88 percent of them had it wrong. And a spokesman for the Teabaggers said, 'We don’t want to just be taxed less. We want to be taxed less by a white guy.

They used the opportunity on Tax Day to come up with what they call a 'Contract From America.' Remember the 'Contract With America'? Well, this is a different set of 10 completely ridiculous ideas. Like number 4, I'm not kidding about this: 'The tax code cannot have more words than the Constitution.' You know between this and the complaints about the health care bill being too long, can we say it? It's not taxes they hate, it's reading.

Sarah Palin got an iPad and she was complaining that it's not really that absorbent.

These people wake up angry. Glenn Beck today is furious about the volcanic ash cloud from Iceland. He knows it's Obama's fault, he just can't figure out how.

This week they were very upset with Obama because he had a big nuclear summit and he apparently bowed a little to the Chinese President. For the amount of cash that we owe China, we're lucky he didn't have to kneel and blow him.

Russia has banned all adoptions to America. So if you were hoping to get a little white kid with fetal alcohol syndrome, you're going to have to wait until Lindsay Lohan reproduces.

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There's a new poll that says that Pope Benedict's approval rating has dropped to 35 percent. But he has a plan to turn it around. He's going to make a Nike commercial where he just stands there and takes shit from Tiger Woods' dad.

This week Obama has decided to followed in Bush's footsteps and promise that we are going to go to Mars. What is it with Mars that just captures presidential imagination? For Obama, I guess it's the hope of a new frontier. For Bush, it was the likelihood of exploitable resources. And for Clinton it was the possibility of green p**sy.




Colbert Mocks Hipsters For Shunning Census


From Colbert: According to a recent NPR report, many Williamsburg-based hipsters have refused to fill out the census, calling it a form that "relatively has nothing to do with your life."

But Colbert jokingly referred to it as a "a master stroke by the scruffy trend-setters. By not filling out the census, the government will dedicate fewer resources to their neighborhood, thereby causing it to decay, thereby increasing the neighborhood's hipster cred."

He's on to their game. If only he could see their band.

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From Jimmy Kimmel:


Here in California, our attorney general said he's going to investigate whether a university foundation that hired Sarah Palin to give a speech violated public disclosure laws. They had some controversy. Some students found her contract rider in a dumpster. That is a list of demands a performer has when they appear somewhere. Usually you see them for, like, rock stars, but Sarah Palin has one, I guess. Among other things, Palin's rider requires two first-class tickets from Alaska or a private jet from Alaska, nothing smaller than a Lear 60, and it has to have a window she can shoot out of.

She has to have three hotel rooms, a wooden podium, not plexiglass, two bottles of water, and best of all, I think, a supply of bendable straws. This is a complicated woman. On one hand, you know, she'll blow a moose's head off at 300 yards, but on the other, bendy straws.

Tomorrow, President Obama will be in Florida to announce his vision for America's space program. The rumor is that he is going to reverse President Bush's space policy, which centered on sending a giant caulk gun to the moon to fill all the craters up.

The first man on the moon, Neil Armstrong, sent a letter to Obama criticizing him because he's expected to cut funding for manned space flights. And he even helped spearhead this ad campaign that I guess is designed to convince President Obama to change his mind on this. 'For nearly half a century, the United States has been a world leader in exploring the final frontier: First to the moon, inspiring a nation, and paving the way for countless advancements in science. President Obama's plan to cut NASA's budget means never again will Americans see astronauts suck Jell-O through a straw, eat floating bananas, or doing funny experiments with a frog. Write President Obama. Don't let these super fun times come to an end. This message paid for by astronauts who love super fun times in space.' Powerful stuff.

Tomorrow is the day to mail in your tax returns, which means tonight is the night to start making fake receipts.

We may have another Oprah on our hands. Since leaving her job as the governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin has made more than $12 million. That is a lot of money for someone who can't say words that end in 'g.'

And they say $12 million is a conservative estimate. She may have made a lot more, and yet, she continues to blame Obama for the bad economy. It seems — weird, right?

The figure is a little bit misleading because most of that money is Alaskan currency, which is primarily made up of pelts and shiny rocks.

I watched so much golf this weekend. Tiger finished in 4th place, which means he only won $330,000, which is barely enough to pay his text messaging bill.

Tiger's obviously under a lot of stress. It's very difficult to play when you have a padlock on your underpants.

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From Seth Meyers:


In a statement released this week, Pope Benedict said that he has forgiven the Beatles for John Lennon's claim that they were bigger than Jesus and for their Rock & Roll excesses – in the clearest sign yet that the Vatican is working from the bottom of the complaint box.


This is a bizarre moment. The crowd doesn't quite know what to make of the mocking humor from the rap band on stage. Talk about out of touch:


The Tea Baggers Rap Is Pure Amazingness

Untitled from elizabeth glover on Vimeo.

From Craig Ferguson:


It's fitting that April 14 is National Pecan Day because today, we recognize nuts. And tomorrow, on April 15, we pay our taxes to support them.

A pecan tree can live for 300 years and when they're old and gnarled, they can still bear fruit. They're like the tree world's Larry King.

"Scientists are saying that eating pecans every day may decrease your cholesterol. So in case they're right, I wrap all of my pecans in bacon.

It's a great day for America, everybody. Yes, it is! But not a great day for former Vice President Al Gore. He was ambushed for an interview by Fox News. What's wrong with you, Fox News? You don't ambush him. If you want to get Al Gore for an interview, you don't have to ambush him. Just leave a trail of ham into the studio.

It was announced today that Conan O'Brien has a new talk show on TBS and a lot of people are asking how it will affect this show. It will not — people that watch this show cannot afford basic cable.

KFC restaurants have unveiled the 'Double Down,' which is two slabs of fried chicken with bacon in the middle. Why not — we all have free health insurance.

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From Jimmy Fallon:


In an interview with GQ Magazine, Lou Dobbs said he’s considering running for president. Hey, stranger things have happened — Lou Dobbs being in GQ Magazine being one of them.

There’s a new comic book coming out about Arnold Schwarzenegger’s life. In the comic, Arnold battles his life-long nemesis: words.

A town in Tennessee elected a dead man as its mayor. Finally, a politician who won't cheat on his wife.

At a Tea Party rally in Boston yesterday, Sarah Palin praised the crowd for winning that Senate race in Massachusetts. She said: 'Shoot, look at what you did in January. You shook up the United States Senate.' Unfortunately, no one heard the Senate thing, because after she said 'shoot,' 300 guns went off.

At the same rally, Sarah Palin said: 'Let me ask you, Massachusetts. Do you love your freedom?' Is anyone going to say 'no' to that? It's like going to a Phish show and saying, 'Anyone here like getting high and eating grilled cheese?'

President Obama is launching a new $6 billion space policy that will ultimately take astronauts to Mars. Of course, it's $6 billion and $45 if the astronauts have a carry-on.

Obama says the new $6 billion program will let us engage in deeper space exploration, while Biden says this will let us engage in open dialogue with Alf.

Yahoo is producing a daily video series, based on its most popular news stories, in partnership with Toyota. Of course, they're having a tough time getting the site up because it always ends up crashing.

This Friday is the deadline for mailing in your Census form. People all around the country put down how many people live in their houses — while Tiger Woods and Jesse James put 'kind of a tricky situation right now.'

President Obama announced that in 2012 he's going to hold his next nuclear security summit at a site in South Korea, right near the North Korean border. Seriously? That's like if you held a biker chick rally right across the street from Jesse James's rehab facility. You're asking for trouble.

Speaking of North Korea, I just read about a state-run comedy show in North Korea where the audience is ordered to laugh. It's called 'Funny or Actually Die.'

There's a rumor going around that Hillary Clinton could be Obama's choice for the next Supreme Court justice. That's a lifetime appointment that would take up all of her time, or as Bill Clinton calls it, 'She'll take it.'

Some more news out of Washington. Vice President Joe Biden hosted a big lunch today with foreign leaders at the Naval Observatory. Unfortunately, he spent the entire time asking everyone to observe his navel.

I just heard that CNN is hoping to spice up the show 'Anderson Cooper 360″ by adding a live audience. After that, they're hoping to spice up 'Larry King Live' by adding a live Larry King.

Barry Bonds said he is 'proud' of Mark McGwire for returning to baseball. And it really means a lot coming from Bonds — it's like Tiger Woods getting a high five at the Masters from Jesse James.


*** For lots more fun check out these posts:

Outrageous Tea Party Tax Signs and the Perverted Fools That Carry Them

Take the Test: Whats Your Sex IQ?

Crazy Limbaugh Blames Iceland Volcano on Obama


*** THANKS for visiting, feel welcome to drop a comment or opinion, enjoy bookmarking this post on your favorite social site, a big shout out to awesome current subscribers – and if you are new to this blog, please subscribe in a reader or by email updates!