Roundup of Late Night Funnies - 10 May 2010

You know that hurt!


From Denny: This week the news has focused upon the unfolding environmental disaster in the Gulf of Mexico off my Louisiana coast. The reason the BP oil spill is such a danger to Louisiana over the other Gulf states is because our shoreline is very jagged, full of marshlands that are habitats to wildlife. Those marshlands act as a barrier to slow down fierce hurricanes before they reach land. Those marshlands are also home to some good fishing that will be completely destroyed if the oil makes its way into those jagged areas. The oil will be too difficult to clean up in those areas. Fortunately, the Coast Guard is working feverishly by dumping tons of sand to plug the areas from the Gulf into the marshlands. It erodes as soon as they dump sand but it's better than nothing at all. You have to admire the effort as it may buy some time as clean up continues.

The comedians are not saying anything we aren't saying in Louisiana to joke about it. For the past several weeks, when there was a ban placed on fishing in the Gulf, diners have flocked to their favorite seafood restaurants like vultures on roadkill. There is some stock in freezers but when that runs out there won't be any more Louisiana Gulf shrimp, oysters or other fishes available.

One of the restaurant jokes around here in south Louisiana is there is a couple seated at a table in a fine dining restaurant. The server approaches the table with towel folded over his arm, ready to serve wine, and a pen and pad to take their order. The server proceeds to tick off the specials of the night to the couple when the man asks, "I suppose what you mean by blackened shrimp is that it's the chef who does the blackening, right?" Ah, BP oil spill humor...

The comics also lampooned the Time Square Bomber and Arizona immigration in relation to Cinco de Mayo holiday.

Be sure to check out these funny videos from this week:


Funny Video: Colbert Lampoons Conservative Preacher and His Rentboy

Funny Video: Stewart Slams Media, BP, And Hypocritical Politicians For Oil Spill Response

Funny Video: 2010 White House Correspondents Dinner with Prez Obama

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From David Letterman:


You folks been following the big British Petroleum oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? I'm telling you, British Petroleum has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders.

I was thinking about this. Here's what I came up with. Now, in Arizona, you know about the new immigration law, where if you don't look like you belong there, they can run you out of the state? And they've got patrol cars driving around, pulling up to people, saying: 'You don't look like you belong here. Get out!' So the deal is, in Arizona, they don't like immigrants. And I was thinking, well, that's odd, because right across the river there in California, they elected one governor.


David Letterman's "Top Ten Things Overheard At BP Headquarters"

10. 'Huh?'
9. 'Happy Cinco de Mayo. 'Nother margarita?'
8. 'We got a nice thank you note from the Toyota people'
7. 'Any way we can pin this on the Times Square bomber?'
6. 'We just got a nice thank you note from the Goldman Sachs people.'
5. 'I hope they get Robert Wagner to play me in the TV movie.'
4. 'One day, 10,000 years from now, we'll be able to look back on this and laugh.'
3. 'Let me tell you something, you can't buy this kind of publicity.'
2. 'Tell everybody it's our free oil giveaway bonanza.'
1. 'Everyone gets a bonus.'



This bombing plot here in Times Square is upsetting. Are we more upset about that than the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? Which do we hate worse? I think you've got to go with the oil spill. British petroleum, these boobs running this operation, they said: 'O.K., now wait a minute. It's just going to be a P.R. nightmare. What can we do? We'll give everybody a free tank of gas. All you have to do is drive your car right down next to the Gulf of Mexico.'

But BP plans to pay for the cleanup. Then they're going to ask for the bailout.

But they say the oil spill has the potential to kill more wildlife than a Sarah Palin hunting trip.

So it's British Petroleum, or BP. BP, of course, as in broken pipe.

Yeah, they plucked a guy off a plane. His name is Faisal Shahzad. They say he was a moody loner. Last year, he vacationed in the tribal regions of Pakistan. Well, no red flags there.

Mayor Bloomberg held a press conference. He described the bomb because everybody thought, wow, this is frightening. This is crazy. But the mayor said, no, the bomb was crude and amateurish. That's what a lot of people are saying about last night's show.

But don't you feel secure, ladies and gentlemen, knowing that the only thing standing between you and terrorism is a T-shirt vendor?

Experts say the FBI is saying potentially this thing could have been the biggest bomb on Broadway since Peter Pan, starring Kirstie Alley.

You know who was in town yesterday? Iranian dictator Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was here, and his Members Only jacket. He was speaking at the U.N. Now, seriously, New York City is not this guy's kind of town. Everybody here is either gay or Jewish. He had to get out. He said, 'No thank you.'

Anybody here from Arizona? Yeah, you know, they have this immigration law in Arizona. I guess it's because they share a border with Mexico. In essence, the new law in Arizona is if you don't look like you belong there, get out. And if you're in this country illegally, I think I speak for most Americans when I say, 'Qué?'

If you're in Arizona and you don't look like you belong there, they'll give you a simple test. You have to be able to identify four of Larry King's ex-wives.

Over the weekend, of course, down there in Washington, D.C., they had the big White House Correspondents' Dinner. Do you know who was really funny? President Obama. So funny, in fact, he has already been promised 'The Tonight Show' in five years.

Did you see Conan O'Brien on 60 Minutes? The guy told the 60 minutes team that NBC had broken his heart. And I thought, 'Welcome to the club, Coco. Welcome to the club.

But Conan declined to say anything or criticize Jay Leno. And here's how I look at this. I always say, 'If you can't say anything nice about Jay, well, let's hear it!'

Anybody from the Gulf of Mexico area? It's going to be the biggest ecological disaster on the history of the planet. And today, a tourist thought they saw a blowfish in the Gulf of Mexico. Turned out to be a flounder holding its breath.

British Petroleum says that they have a plan now to clean up the vast oil spill. You know what it is? Hot tub time machine.

Something very suspicious happened over the weekend. A car parked at, like, 45th and Broadway, very suspicious. And I'll tell you the most suspicious thing about the whole episode was that the guy found a parking place.

Thank God the car bombing was thwarted by an alert carjacker.

The Iranian dictator, Ahmadinejad, is in town. So for one day, Mayor Bloomberg is not the shortest dictator in New York.

Ahmadinejad has got a busy schedule. Today it is the U.N. And then tomorrow, he's going to be on 'The Rachael Ray Show,' filleting a camel.

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From Craig Ferguson:


Happy Cinco de Mayo. If you don't know what that means, maybe you're a little out of touch — or maybe you're the governor of Arizona.

A lot of the U.S. used to be part of Mexico, including Arizona. But they're a bit touchy about that right now.

I don't drink anymore for Cinco de Mayo. I celebrate with Mexican food, or as it's known in Mexico: 'food.'

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From Jimmy Kimmel:


Cinco de Mayo commemorates the Mexican Army's surprise victory over sobriety back in 1862.

Oddly, Cinco de Mayo is more popular here than in Mexico. Cinco de Mayo to us is what David Hasselhoff is to Germany.

Authorities say Faisal Shahzad, the Times Square bombing suspect, used the wrong kind of fertilizer, which is what happens when you don't watch Martha Stewart.

It was reported that Shahzad went to terrorist camp in Pakistan. Honestly, who are these parents that are sending their kids to terrorist camp?

Oil is still leaking off the coast of Louisiana. Lots of oil. BP, the company responsible for it, has a very good plan. BP is hoping to create a giant vinegar spill to turn the Gulf of Mexico into a delicious salad dressing.

Actually, what they're doing is spraying chemicals on the oil to try to disperse it. And some environmentalists say the chemicals pose their own dangers. But the company that makes them points out the active ingredient is the same thing they put in ice cream. BP is trying to get the spill reclassified from disaster to dessert.

The state of Arizona is the subject of a lot of controversy because of this new immigration law they passed. There were big demonstrations all around the country yesterday protesting it. Many people believe it's potentially racist, but the state announced today that despite the controversy, they're still planning to move ahead with their annual Cinco de Mayo party. I guess it's sort of a going-away thing.

Hey, if I was Latino, I don't think I would go to this. 'Don't worry. Get on these buses. We'll take you to the party. It'll be a lot of fun.'

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From Jimmy Fallon:


It's Cinco de Mayo, or as they call it in Arizona: May 5th.

Police in Texas arrested a man who was using the alias 'Barack Obama' while trying to steal money from 35 ATMs. They could tell something was up when a guy named Barack Obama was trying to take money from banks instead of giving it to them.

Nissan is recalling almost 135,000 Infiniti G35s to address an airbag problem. When Toyota heard that, they said, 'Airbags! I knew we forgot something.'

A new survey found that 12 percent of parents punish their kids by banning social networking sites. The other 88 percent punish their kids by joining social networking sites.

It's rumored that six pages from the script of the 'Lost' series finale have leaked online. BP executives were like: 'Oh my God! That's definitely the worst leak of all time, right?'

Well, scientists are predicting that the oil from the BP spill will eventually reach the shores of Florida. So if you hated visiting your grandparents before, wait until you're hosing down their oily bodies after a long day at the beach.

Hey, we caught a suspect in the failed Times Square attack. The suspect says he acted alone. Yeah, really alone. Even his bomb wasn't in on it.

Speaking of terrorism, two new videos from the Pakistani Taliban seem to show that their leader, Hakimullah Mehsud, is alive, even though the U.S. thought he was killed. So, either our intelligence is wrong or they're just shooting the new movie, 'Weekend at Hakimullah's.'

The Pakistani Taliban has claimed responsibility for Saturday's failed car bomb attack in Times Square. I'm no terrorism expert, but I don't think it makes you scarier when you claim responsibility for something that failed.

Have you guys been following the whole oil disaster? Yesterday, President Obama said: 'Let me be clear. BP is responsible for this leak. BP will be paying the bill.' And BP was like: 'Ah, bailout? Right?'

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From Jay Leno:


Phoenix Suns are all wearing jerseys that read 'Los Suns.' Thankfully, they can get the jerseys made quickly using an illegal sweatshop.

So, the Phoenix Suns are wearing jerseys written in Spanish, made in China, modeled after their best player, Canadian Steve Nash. There you go. That is America.

Folks, we're starting to learn more and more about that man arrested in the New York SUV car bombing case. His name is Faisal Shahzad. He's from Pakistan. What tipped off the authorities he might be the bomber? His name is Faisal Shahzad. He's from Pakistan.

Well, looks like this guy was having financial problems as well. Turns out his house was in foreclosure. See, apparently the Taliban does not pay very well. And not to mention, no benefits. Who would take a job as a car bomber where they tell you, you have to use your own car? That's unbelievable.

If any job should give you a company car, it's the car bomb business.

Anyway, the bomb turned out to be a dud, thankfully. But had it exploded, it would have been the biggest bomb to hit New York since the Knicks, I guess.

I don't understand the United Nations. They have selected Iran to sit on the U.N.'s women's rights panel. Iran! Also on the panel — Ben Roethlisberger, Chris Brown, Phil Spector, Robert Blake and committee chairman O.J. Simpson.

Hey, great news. They made an arrest today in that failed Times Square bombing attempt. It turns out the suspect is a foreign-born, naturalized American citizen. You know what that means? He would have been fine in Arizona.

His name is Faisal Shahzad. What, is Snoop Dogg naming terrorists now? They're still looking for his brother, Fo Shizzle. They don't know where he is.

Well, the amazing part, they arrested this guy. He was already on the plane. It was taxiing down the runway. They called the plane back. And they're calling it great work by Homeland Security, and I guess it is. I mean, that's one way to look at it. I mean, how about the fact that a Pakistani guy who bought a one-way ticket to the Middle East, reeking of fertilizer, made it through security and got on the plane. How did that happen?

You know who's really happy they took him off the plane? The guy sitting next to him. Smelling manure for 14 hours?

Anyway, police raided this guy's house. I guess it's in Bridgeport, Conn. Some of the neighbors say the suspect told them he worked on Wall Street, so they were relieved to find out he was just a terrorist.

The real hero in this story was the T-shirt vendor who told the policeman about the smoke coming from the SUV in Times Square. And for some reason, New York Mayor Bloomberg took the policeman to dinner but not the T-shirt vendor. Hey, you see the T-shirt he's selling today? It says: 'I saw the smoking SUV first. All I got was this lousy T-shirt.'

And I tell you, this Faisal guy, not the brightest terrorist. Did you see his bomb? Three bottles of Diet Coke and some Mentos. You know, that's not going to do a lot.

Anyway, it turns out this Faisal Shahzad has got a Facebook page. We looked it up. Let's see who his friends are. Look, bin Laden, Ahmadinejad and Danny Bonaduce. What are his favorite activities? What have we got there? We got beach volleyball, rollerblading. Look, blowing up Nissan Pathfinders.

Let's see what's going on at BP, which stands for, of course, big problems.

On Monday, British Petroleum promised to pay all necessary cleanup costs for this oil spill. And they said they will do it, no matter how much they have to raise gas prices.

Well, here's something kind of embarrassing. The government has called off the Safety Awards for Excellence ceremony that was supposed to take place this week, in honor of outstanding safety and pollution prevention. And British Petroleum, the one that was responsible for the big oil spill in the Gulf, was one of the three finalists for the award. I believe the other two were China and the volcano in Iceland.

And former aides to John Edwards are now claiming that Rielle Hunter lied to Oprah during her interview last week. Let me tell you something. You can lie in court in this country. You can lie at work. When you lie to Oprah, that is downright un-American.

Iranian President Mahmoud 'I'm-a-nutjob' is in New York City. He spoke at the U.N. today. He arrived in New York on Saturday night; he rented an SUV and parked it in Times Square.

Well, as you know — this is pretty serious — somebody tried to detonate an SUV rigged with explosives in Times Square. SUV turned out to be a Nissan Pathfinder. Probably, the bombing suspect realized if he'd been driving a Toyota, he would have been putting his own life in danger.

Experts say if this SUV bomb had gone off, it could have caused almost as much damage to New York City as Goldman Sachs.

And the oil from that oil rig that exploded in the Gulf of Mexico spewing five times as much oil as first was estimated. When former President George W. Bush heard about this, he said: 'Wait a minute. You mean we have oil here?'

Today, British Petroleum said they're doing everything they can to control this leak. Really? Two hundred thousand gallons? That's a leak? The pipe under my bathroom. That's a leak, O.K.? This is a gusher.

And the environmental impact from this is unbelievable. They say a lot of birds are trying to leave the area. And, today, Arizona issued a warning — any birds flying in from out of state will be stopped and arrested.

As you know, Arizona has passed the strictest immigration law in the country. It's scaring everybody. In fact, today, Taco Bell changed their name to Skippy's.

The governor of Florida, Charlie Crist, announced he is quitting the Republican Party to run for the Senate as an independent. And today, it became official — the Republicans took away his lesbian strip club VIP card.

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Colbert Lampoons Immigration and Pot Smokers - Roundup of Late Nite Comedy 26 Apr 2010

From Denny: If only I could stay up late and watch all the late night comics all at once... The next best thing is to corral all their funny quips about the state of affairs in America and the world into one post. These guys are the social commentators of our time!

Included also are some of the latest (since Saturday) political cartoons just released with references to the sex crazed Republican National Committee, Earth Day and Arizona immigration.

Check out the latest Colbert Report video clips as he lampoons the new Arizona immigration bill and has some fun with the pot smoking community.

Thanks for stopping by for a visit and enjoy the start to your work week with a lots of laughs to keep you going until Friday blissfully arrives! :)



From Jay Leno:


One good thing came out of this volcano in Iceland. Economists say consumers can expect a huge drop in the price of lava lamps.

President Obama gave a speech in New York about his plans to reform the rules for Wall St. A lot of Wall St. executives were shaking in their boots when the president showed up. The bad news is, they were $800 Italian leather boots that were bought with our bailout money.

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Happy Earth Day. To demonstrate their commitment, environmentalists all across the country risked their lives driving Toyota Priuses.

According to USA Today, 71 percent of American households have already filled out and returned their census. That's the good news. The bad news — they filled it out in Spanish.

President Obama met with Wall Street executives today. He told them to stop fighting this financial reform. But the Wall Street executives are kind of copping an attitude with the president. You know, I got an idea. Forget financial reform. Let's put them in prison. Call it prison reform. See how they like it then.

Oh, yeah. They don't want the government messing with their business unless it's a bailout. Then, 'Please!'

To give you an idea how popular President Obama is around the world — he's probably the most popular leader in the world — this is amazing. They opened a nightclub in China named after President Obama. It will be an Obama-themed nightclub. Here's the amazing thing — hasn't even opened yet and already $12 trillion in debt.

Well, the government said today Somali pirates being held in U.S. custody will be brought to the United States for prosecution, and they will be tried by a jury of their peers. So I'm guessing that's what, Goldman Sachs?

You see this on the news? Gay and lesbian activists chained themselves to the White House fence to protest the 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy. And when Republican Party officials saw the lesbians chaining themselves to the fence, out of force of habit, they paid $2,000 to watch.

A new study shows that fewer and fewer immigrants are sending money they earn here back home. They'd like to, but there's no one left at home. They all live here now. They just send it across the street.

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This is rather disturbing. A government panel made up of all retired military personnel says that the school lunches are a threat to our national security because they make our kids too fat to serve the country. It's unbelievable. Remember the old days, when the Army wanted the best and the brightest? Now they're stuck with the biggest and the widest.

Here's something great. General Motors today paid back all the government loans five years ahead of schedule. Amazing what hard work, careful planning and Toyotas rolling over and crashing into trees can do for you.

And unemployment here in California, over 12 percent now. Give you an idea how bad it is, you know the best way to make money in California now? Marrying and divorcing Larry King.

Well, in an interview on the 'Today' show, Bill Clinton told Jenna Bush Hager, who is George Bush's daughter, that his only involvement in the planning of his daughter Chelsea's wedding is paying the bill. Although, since he's a Democrat, he doesn't actually pay the bill himself; he leaves it for future generations of Americans. But you get the idea.

For those of you visiting from Iceland, happy Ash Wednesday.

The British government sent a warship to France to bring home stranded Britons. There was an embarrassing moment — when the ship pulled up to the port, the French immediately surrendered.

The volcano was spewing out so much ash that now, the Catholic Church is saying it couldn't even see what it was doing wrong.

The giant cloud of ash over Amsterdam is so bad that you can't even see the giant cloud of hashish.

According to a top Iranian cleric, earthquakes and volcanoes are caused by women wearing immodest clothing. Or as most guys would call it: a fair trade-off.

President Obama and some prominent Democrats proposed a solution to the erupting volcano — they want to pour money into it.

Toyota is recalling 600,000 minivans because the spare tire holder can break and the spare tire can go flying down the highway. It's bad enough Toyota cars can run you off the road — now the parts are chasing you down the street.


*** Colbert lampoons the 4/20 pot smoking holiday, trying to kill their buzz. Colbert satirically warns that pot smoking could lead to awful tragedies like the music group Phish getting back together and other horrific occurrences.

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Stephen Refuses to Celebrate 4/20
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From Jimmy Kimmel:


A new poll found that a substantial number of Americans still aren't convinced that President Obama was born in the United States. Only 58 percent believe that Obama was born here, and 20 percent think he was born in another country. I don't believe Obama was born at all.

Vice President Biden appeared on 'The View.' They were trying to set the Guinness Record for most Botox on one couch. And they did, so congratulations.

Happy Earth Day to everyone. An estimated one billion people celebrate Earth Day. Al Gore, in particular, is wasted right now.

Yesterday was 4/20, known to stoners around the country as National Weed Day. There were pro-marijuana legalization rallies all around the country, especially here in California, where freedom fighters like this guy exercised their right to free speech vigorously. 'Here in the meadow, people were chilling out. Some, maybe too much. We're here just to have a bunch of fun in a field.' That's a good way to spend a Tuesday, while your parents are paying tuition.

The Fox network had their annual telethon 'Idol Gives Back.' I was hoping they would give back the hundreds of hours I've wasted watching 'American Idol.'

The new $100 bill was unveiled today. So if you have any old $100 bills, you can throw them away now.

The Supreme Court is hearing a case about 'sexting.' Apparently the justices of the Supreme Court are not up to date on technology. Chief Justice Roberts asked what is the difference between an e-mail and a pager. Justice Roberts is only 55 years old. He's young enough to be Larry King's next wife.

Today is April 20, which is like Christmas for pot-smokers. It all started in the 1700s when St. Patrick drove the stoners out of Ireland with a pack of Twinkies.

In celebration of 4/20, the volcano in Iceland is still smoking. And it just asked for Hot Pockets.

Travelers have been stranded in dozens of countries, but they're finally allowing flights to take off to countries that no one likes.

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From David Letterman:


You know, a lot of people were flying and got delayed by the Icelandic volcano, and everybody is upset. They lost billions of dollars in revenue. And I said, 'O.K., it's kind of their fault. I mean to be flying during the volcano season, come on! Are you nuts? Really? Your own fault.'

Here is a story that is kind of perplexing: 221 years ago, George Washington went to the library here in New York, took out some books, never returned them. 221 years of overdue library fines. I tell you something, ladies and gentlemen, if you want to blame this economic crisis on a president, what about that guy?

Here's news now from the Supreme Court. Justice John Paul Stevens is retiring. He's in his 90s, Justice John Paul Stevens. Said he has had enough, wants to spend more time judging his family.

President Obama is here to announce his peace initiative for Mr. and Mrs. Larry King.

Justice John Paul Stevens is retiring. Don't worry, he's getting his own show on TBS.

Al Pacino is starring in a TV movie, where he plays Dr. Jack Kevorkian. Did they not even look at my audition tape? … Dr. Kevorkian was a killing machine. He pulled more plugs than Jay Leno.

Talking about air travel and the volcano. The good news, ladies and gentlemen, regular airline service is resuming. The bad news — regular airline service is resuming.

Is anyone here stranded because of the volcano? Well, that's what you get for traveling during volcano season.

Because of the volcano, the airlines lost $2 billion. Usually, all they lose is my luggage.

Because of the volcano in Iceland, thousands of travelers are stranded with no place to sleep, eat, or shower. This is the kind of thing that can really take the fun out of air travel.

"The name of the volcano is Eyjafjallajökull. It's the scariest thing out of Iceland since Björk in that swan outfit.

The volcano cloud is gritty ash and it's making its way toward Russia. In fact, Sarah Palin can see it from her house.



David Letterman's Top Ten Goldman Sachs Excuses


10. Huh?
9. You're saying 'fraud' like it's a bad thing
8. Planned on using money to buy everyone in America delicious KFC Double Down sandwich
7. Distraught over George Lopez's move to midnight
6. We were framed by evil menswear company Goldman Slacks
5. Since when are financial institutions not allowed to screw their customers?
4. Hey sport, how much to make these questions go away?
3. America needed a villain both Republicans and Democrats can hate
2. Everyone we ripped off got an 'I Got Cheated By Goldman Sachs' tote bag
1. Uhh, it's Obama's fault?



*** Colbert pokes jabs at the state of Arizona for passing controversial bold new immigration bill which basically legalizes the harassment of Latinos. Colbert thinks the new strategy is one to irritate and frustrate the Latino community to the point they will get fed up and leave on their own.

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From Craig Ferguson:


Today the U.S. Treasury released its new $100 bill. It's the most high-tech piece of currency the world has ever seen — until Apple comes out with the '$100 bill Nano.'

Happy birthday to Jack Nicholson today, and also it's Earth Day. Planet Earth and Jack Nicholson are different, of course — one is a giant object ravaged by years of abuse and we're running out of time to save it, and the other one is Earth.

The movie 'Avatar' is out on DVD today. James Cameron wanted it to be released on Earth Day because nothing says 'save the planet' like millions of plastic DVD cases.

It's the 40th Earth Day, which is bad news for Earth. Once you get in your forties, your equator expands, your poles start to melt — soon you'll look as bad as Uranus.

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From Bill Maher:


Oama is getting his mojo back. Apparently, he's going to get this financial package. That's right, the financial package is going through. He got health care. He got that nuclear weapons treaty… He's on a roll and he's taunting his critics. His new slogan is, 'Change You Can Suck On.'

Arizona's Governor had been stalling, you know, on signing this. She said it did not reflect any ambivalence about the bill. She just wanted to make sure her pool was clean and her lawn was mowed before she signed. – on Arizona's immigration bill.

The entire rig sunk. Republicans in Washington today voted to lower flags to half staff in honor of the tragic loss of oil. - on the oil rig in The Gulf of Mexico

What is it with radical Muslims and cartoons? They watch more cartoons than pot-heads. – on the group threatening the "South Park" creators

The problem with the Tea Party movement, besides their almost universal rejection of dentistry, is that they want money for nothing and chicks for free. They want a deregulated free market and their jobs to stay here in the US; they want guaranteed health coverage regardless of preexisting conditions without a big government mandate; they want to call themselves tea baggers and people to keep a straight face. And of course they want big tax cuts along with deficit reduction. I can't even think of a suitable analogy for that disconnect – it's like thinking getting a handjob will clean your garage.

New Rule: Since the Icelandic volcano obviously needs a virgin sacrifice and the Catholic Church obviously needs new leadership the Pope must volunteer to jump in the volcano. Pontiff, don't think of it as endorsing paganism, think of it as supersizing Ash Wednesday. – in his "New Rules" segment

New Rule: If the water in your river makes the male fish grow vaginas, stay thirsty. 90% of Washington D.C.'s drinking water comes from the Potomac, a river so polluted with hormones it makes fish change sex. If I wanted to drink something that makes me grow a vagina, I'd order a wine cooler. – in his "New Rules" segment




From Seth Meyers:


This week Arizona signed the toughest illegal immigration law in the country, which would allow the police to demand identification papers from anyone they suspect is in the country illegally. I know there are some people in Arizona worried that Obama is acting like Hitler, but can we all agree that there's nothing more Nazi than saying, `Show me your papers?' There's never been a WWII movie that didn't include the line, `Show me your papers.' It's their catchphrase. Every time someone says `Show me your papers,' Hitler's family gets a residual check. So heads up Arizona, that's fascism. I know, I know, it's a dry fascism, but it's still fascism. - on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"




From Jon Stewart:


Look I'm sorry I told you to go f**k yourself last week (and that other time, like, six months ago.) I know that I criticize you and Fox News a lot, but only because you're truly a terrible, cynical, disingenuous news organization.

Fox News: You are the lupus of news.

And with a nod to Groundhog Phil who predicted six more weeks of winter this year: Everyone knows if a Republican comes out of the closet and sees a gay shadow, it means six more years of a Democratic administration.


*** AND in the news today:

Scumbag Walmart Lawsuit Caught, Scumbag Goldman Sachs Email Guilty, Scumbag GOP Denies Scumbag Reform - News Headlines 26 Apr 2010


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Funny Late Night Comedy Roundup - 15 Mar 2010

From Denny: Looks like the main lampooning on the late night shows was blasting Congressman Massa and his very bizarre meltdown. Right behind that is the foot-dragging and organizationally challenged Dems on the health care bill.

I say we clear the deck entirely and start over. Kick out all the men and put Speaker Pelosi in charge of ramrodding the Senate. She pushed through 290 bills in the House to Senate Majority Leader Reid's goose egg zero. At this rate, if President Obama does not get serious and take the reins he might get pushed aside. Will someone who is serious about leading please stand up and do the job? Enough already.

At this rate, these comics are beginning to look like capable political leaders. Maybe that's why it was so easy for Senator Al Franken to get elected. As a former comic he was more serious than Congress.

Three funny videos are included in today's post: always cheeky Colbert and his observations of how the Republican strategists like to rename things to appear more threatening, Jon Stewart challenging sissy Fox News and Seinfeld "Really?!" joking about Massa.

Enjoy the comedy roundup and remember Saint Patrick's Day this week. Hoist a Guinness pint to Ireland!

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From David Letterman:

We had a lousy audience last night. You couldn't tell if they were laughing at the jokes or if they were being tickled by New York Congressman Massa.

He admits to groping, fondling, and tickling. And I'm thinking, well, why isn't this guy governor of New York?

Massa goes on the Glenn Beck show and he says that he was having a birthday party tickling his staff. And he said one guy couldn't breathe, he was tickling him so hard. And then Dick Cheney said, 'Well, we should have done that at Gitmo.'

So now this Congressman Eric Massa is claiming that he was bullied in a gym by Rahm Emanuel. The President's guy is bullying him in a gym, naked. And I know you are thinking to yourselves, 'Well gee, thanks a lot, Dave, for searing that image into our brains because that's something we'll carry for a long time right there.'

He admits to groping, fondling, and tickling. And I'm thinking, well, why isn't this guy governor of New York?

Barbie's birthday. Did you know that? And if you don't know Barbie let me just tell you. She is the pretty, plastic doll who didn't run with John McCain.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Health Care: The Ultimate Last Final Push
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Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Health Care Reform

Former President Bush, George W. Bush, is now writing a book about his eight years in the White House. And it's green. It's entirely made out of old Al Gore ballots. So that will be a keepsake for you there.

A lot of anticipation about the new book that George Bush is writing. But don't worry, it'll also be available in English.

Former New York congressman Eric Massa admitted to tickling a staffer until he couldn't breathe. Dick Dick Cheney said, 'We should have tried that at Gitmo.'

David Letterman's Top Ten Questions Rod Blagojevich Asked Himself Before Appearing On 'Celebrity Apprentice'

10. 'Can I get paid in shampoo?'
9. 'Would I rather stay unemployed than work for Trump?'
8. 'Should I bring my attorney?'
7. 'Do I have anything better to do?'
6. 'Is there any chance NBC will replace me with Leno?'
5. 'Can I get paid in conditioner?'
4. 'Haven't I been through enough?'
3. 'How about my own show, 'The Haircut Ref?''
2. 'How come I'm not a governor and Paterson is?'
1. 'Will my hair get along with Trump's hair?'


In the morning here at CBS, they have 'The Early Show.' Tomorrow on 'The Early Show,' host Harry Smith is having a live colonoscopy. I know what you're thinking: Finally, real breakfast fun. Here we go. Bring it on. Welcome to the Obama health care plan, ladies and gentlemen. That's how it's going to work.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad now says that 9/11, the attacks on the United States on 9/11, were fabricated. Like his re-election.

He says the whole thing was an elaborate hoax. I'm skeptical. I think I'll wait to see what Kim Jong-il says.

But the guy seriously is nuts. He also denies that Conan O'Brien ever hosted 'The Tonight Show.'

Now this year, the Academy Awards had a salute to horror films. Did you see that? That was remarkable. They even had footage of Vice President Dick Cheney in his torture chamber.

John McCain does not watch the Academy Awards. And you know why? Well, he doesn't care for the talkies.

George W. Bush is writing a book about his eight years in the White House. I can't wait. I want to get it. I'm going to take it with me to the beach this summer. And it will be good to hold down the blankets.

Going to be a big, thick book, which is great because you can put it on the floor, step up to reach a better book.

George W. Bush is proud of this. He says the book will be written in his own words. I was thinking, well, that's too bad. If it was written in our words, we could understand it.


Colbert challenges the Republicans on their use of "words":

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
The Word - Define & Conquer
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor Health Care reform

From Jay Leno:

A new poll out today shows that 22 percent of voters strongly approve of the job President Obama is doing, 43 percent strongly disapprove of the job he's doing, and the other 35 percent are holding off judgment until he actually does something.

According to USA Today, corruption among government officials in China is running rampant. Yet another idea they stole from us.

I'm sure you heard the First Lady talk about this. Childhood obesity at an all-time high here in America. Give you an idea how bad it is, when children are filling out a form now, next to hometown, 83 percent of the kids write 'buffet.'

The big rumor is Tiger Woods is getting ready to return to golf. Tiger has hired Ari Fleischer, George Bush's former press secretary, to handle the press for him. I guess Ari Fleischer figures after years of trying to explain George W. Bush, this should be a piece of cake.

New York congressman Eric Massa has resigned his post this week after allegations that he groped his male staff. If it's not Charlie Rangel trying to get into your wallet, it's Eric Massa trying to get in your pants.

Massa was on Glenn Beck and he showed a book of graphic photos of things sailors did for fun when at sea. The book was so graphic, they couldn't show them on the air. Now if you're trying to convince people you're not gay, you probably shouldn't show your big book of naked sailors.

Rush Limbaugh says if health care reform passes, he's going to leave the country and move to Costa Rica. Hey, you know what that means, right? That means one less overweight smoker the rest of us don't have to pay for.

Health care passes, Rush Limbaugh leaving. Or as President Obama calls that, a 'win-win.'

Earlier today, the president of Haiti was at the White House to meet with President Obama. He said the people of his country need jobs, they need places to live, and they need health care. And then the president of Haiti spoke.

Well, big changes announced today for the next Indianapolis 500. All the cars will be Toyota Priuses.

As you know, the Toyota Prius is a hybrid — half gas engine, half runaway racehorse.

President Obama has signed a bill to increase tourism to the United States. Tourism is way down, which is surprising. You'd think people from foreign countries would want to come here to see where their American jobs originated.

Democratic Majority Leader Harry Reid is in trouble again for saying it's really good news that America only lost 36,000 jobs in February. Well, think how happy he'll be when November comes and he loses his job.

And I love this. Radio host Rush Limbaugh says he will leave the United States if health care reform passes. Well, if that doesn't get the Democrats to rally, nothing will.


I see I'm not the only one who thought Israel peed all over America and the Middle East Peace process last week:

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Record ratings for the Oscars last night. Kathryn Bigelow won best director for her film about the Iraq war. But in her speech, she forgot to thank the two people without whom this film could never have been made — Bush and Cheney.

As you know, this year, they expanded the best picture category to include 10 films. In fact, even the death montage — they expanded that to include President Obama's health care plan. Did you notice that?

Hey, how about this? President Obama had a meeting at the White House with Jay-Z and Beyoncé. And, in fact, they hit it off so well, Jay-Z gave the president his own rap name, 'Biggie Deficit.'

And I love this story. Just four days after being arrested on a drunken driving charge while leaving a gay bar with a man, State Senator Roy Ashburn of California, who is married and one of these antigay guys — very antigay, votes against every gay thing — and now he is gay. He said he finally realized it last night, while watching the big dance number during the Oscars.

And in an interview in Time magazine, former Gov. Eliot Spitzer of New York — I love this — he said that having sex with hookers is not nearly as bad as having an affair. Guys, let me tell you something. Don't try this excuse at home, O.K. Eliot Spitzer is a politician. He is a trained professional liar. You will get killed!

As you may have heard, the House has passed a $15 billion jobs bill. That's the good news. The bad news? All those new jobs, fixing Toyotas.

Just two days after being told by his doctors to cut down on his cholesterol, President Obama visited a restaurant in Savannah, Georgia, where he ate a meal which included fried chicken, sweet potatoes, macaroni and cheese, cream corn, biscuits, corn bread, barbecue pork, and blueberry pudding. That's why he's in favor of healthcare. He's going to need it.

This week, President Obama talked to Congress about healthcare. He said, 'Just get it done.' See, that's when you know things are bad, okay? When the President of the United States is quoting Larry the Cable Guy. 'Git 'er done!'

Former President Bush announced today he is writing a book on how he made decisions while in the White House. The book will be divided into the two chapters, 'Heads' and 'Tails.'

New York Governor David Paterson under investigation for accepting free Yankee tickets to the World Series last fall. If found guilty, could be sentenced to free Mets tickets.

And because of the bad economy, the state of Maine says its sales of lobsters have dropped dramatically. In fact, the price of lobster is so low, for the first time ever if you go into Red Lobster restaurant, you can actually get lobster now.


And the messy weird news from politician Massa just keeps on giving to the comics:





From Jimmy Fallon:

Yesterday, Michelle Obama and Hillary Clinton were at an event and Michelle said that she almost referred to Hillary as 'President Clinton' by mistake. And then Hillary was like, 'Ha-ha-ha. Seriously, though, would you?'

Massa just keeps getting into more and more trouble. One of Massa's former shipmates in the Navy says that he used to give his subordinates massages. And he called them 'Massa massages', which is why the Navy's policy toward Massa was 'don't ask because it's pretty obvious, isn't it?'

It turns out Eric Massa was living in a house in D.C. with a bunch of young single male staffers. Massa described the house as 'just a bunch of guys doing guy stuff', while the male staffers described it as a 'den of awkwardness.'

Karl Rove's memoir, 'Courage and Consequence', is the best-selling book on Amazon.com. The book costs $19.99, and comes with free shipping and mishandling.

Just a word of warning tonight — anybody in the audience who refuses to laugh will be tickled by former congressman Eric Massa.

Yesterday, the White House said that it wants to pass the health care bill by March 18, or March 19. But at the very, very latest, March 21. Unless they have to wait until March 23, in which case they'll definitely want to pass it by April 6. Or April 8. Definitely by April 10. The 6th through the 10th, or possibly April 12 is a possibility. April 12, 2025, will definitely be the date. If not then, 2027. And if that doesn't come to fruition then, it's going to cut it off at 2040. So there you go. So, we'll have the health care bill by 2040, hopefully.

Last week, it was in the 20s, and yesterday it got up to 59 degrees. Crazy. I had to keep changing my outfit and my position on global warming.

Yesterday, President Obama hosted the Alabama Crimson Tide football team at the White House. At one point, the quarterback threw a football to Obama, which was the first time during his presidency that anything's gotten passed.

Yesterday, in San Diego, a man called the police when the accelerator on his Prius got stuck and made his car go 90 miles an hour. Luckily, the man was able to stop his car when he ran into another Toyota going in the opposite direction.

Everyone watch the Oscars last night? Big night for 'The Hurt Locker', which of course is a film about the war in Iraq, which, I guess explains why Obama called the director and was like, 'How did you end it?'

President Obama's been really busy, you guys. He's making his final push on health care reform. Yesterday, Obama warned that insurance companies will continue to drop people's coverage when they need it. Or as iPhone users call that, 'The AT&T option.'

This is cool. President Obama is going to hold a major space conference to unveil an ambitious new plan for NASA. Obama called it 'one small step for man, one giant distraction from health care, two wars, and the recession.'

At Obama's space conference, he plans to tell the world that he wants to put a man on Mars. The man he wants to put there — Joe Biden.






From Jimmy Kimmel:

Tiger Woods is reportedly ready to return to golf, possibly in two weeks in Orlando. According to The New York Post, Tiger's hired former President Bush's press secretary, Ari Fleischer to help with his PR campaign. Is that the guy you want in charge of your approval rating? I'd hire Clinton's guy. That's the one with some experience in that particular area.

Former Democratic congressman Erica Massa is all over the news; he resigned on Monday amid allegations that he groped staff workers, but then claimed he was being forced out over his healthcare vote. Glenn Beck had him on his show the other night. Now, out-crazying Glenn Beck is no small task.

Sure, we've all had tickle fights with our male coworkers, we've all played 'Kill the old guy.' In fact, Dick Cheney used to play it with a gun.

If you're wondering why we don't have healthcare, it's because there's too much tickling in Congress.

It's been a rough year for Toyota. They've launched a big PR campaign to assure customers that their cars are OK to drive, which is an important quality in a car.

Toyota says they're standing beside their vehicles — because that's the only safe place to stand.






From Craig Ferguson:

There are rumors that the Obama administration may ban fishing in lakes. Fox News is saying 'Obama wages jihad on fisherman,' and NPR says 'Obama protects aquatic unicorns,' and I don't know who to believe.

Rush Limbaugh says if the healthcare bill passes, he will leave the country. The Democrats are upset, because if they knew that, they would have passed the bill years ago.

On 'The Early Show' tomorrow morning, Harry Smith will receive the first live TV colonoscopy. CBS is very excited; they're already planning the spinoff show, 'How I Met Your Rectum.'

The network hopes that the live colonoscopy will get good ratings, so to boost their chances, the procedure will be performed by the cast of 'CSI.'

Sarah Palin is getting her own reality show. It's going to be called 'So You Think You Can See Russia?'





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Dick Cheney Fakes Heart Attacks, Glenn Beck Lies on Stage, CPAC Hate Mongering, Colorado Gunslingers - Funny Roundup of Late Night Comedy 1 March 2010

From Denny: The weirdest news yesterday was that students in Colorado are upset about not being able to carry concealed weapons to class any more because the university is trying to outlaw it. Who the hell let them do this in the first place? The State legislature made it legal to carry concealed weapons. Who said all the rednecks live in the South? What rednecks? All the real rednecks have been breeding out of control in Colorado? Glad I don't go to university out there in that crazy state.

At least around here in south Louisiana the only reason people keep guns are to hunt swamp rats - called nutria and actually taste pretty good and they are in the process of marketing the critters nationally - and hunt rabbits, deer, ducks and squirrel - and shoot the occasional stupid poisonous snake that slithers into the house and into the baby's crib. The Cajun motto here is if it moves, slithers or crawls it can be dinner on the table. Hmmm... might have to add politicians to that hunting list. Well, at least we don't hunt people like they like to do in Colorado. I wouldn't put anything past the Louisiana State legislature for brain dead stupid legislation. Usually, they prefer to line their pockets while literally building bridges to nowhere: the famous Sunshine Bridge. It sure is pretty.

Can you imagine if the greatest fear of the Colorado students out West was a crazed gunman comes onto campus, shooting randomly - and then in retaliation the entire student body pulls out their weapons and shoot back? Everyone would be dead. How do you like that scenario? People with no police or military training whatsoever carrying around concealed guns. Yeah, that's smart.

I could maybe deal with it if these students were required to pass sanity and police training tests every three months. Hey, I've got an idea: How about we call up Prez Obama to release some of that stimulus money to send the entire state of Colorado to Special Forces schooling? Then they will be so well trained in weapons we can ship them off to Iraq! Sounds like a plan. I hear the troops could use a holiday back home.

OK, stepping off my soapbox... That news story yesterday sure did blindside me.

On to the late night show funnies. With the Olympics still in full swing Colbert didn't miss a beat and found plenty to lampoon. Included here is one of his grins. He has plenty of Olympic themed videos, so knock yourself out. :)

Speaking of lampooning, Jon Stewart had a field day going after the bizarre antics of the Republican Party at their conservative hate-mongering CPAC convention, the Health Summit That Never Was and quoting Glenn Beck's supposedly philosophical yet terribly shallow nonsense thinking. Read that as "he got paid big bucks to tell lies on stage" to keep the faithful following the GOP.

And then there's Dick Cheney providing gossip fodder for the masses... Has anyone else wondered if he's having fake heart attacks? Isn't it interesting how every time he gets ugly, lies about the President on stage and to the TV cameras, suddenly he has a heart attack? There's big news coverage about his "condition" - but of course, don't you know, "it was really nothing serious" and "he's resting comfortably at home" - all before Obama has a chance to respond? Sure looks calculated and manipulative to me from where I'm sitting in my living room. How many times does Cheney pull the health card until the media grows some a backbone to call him on it? Meanwhile, he's laughing in his warped sleeve.





From Craig Ferguson:

It's a great day for former Vice President Dick Cheney, who was released from the hospital today. He's doing well. Doctors say he'll be up and shooting lawyers in no time.

About a third of the members of Congress are on Twitter. Now we know why nothing is getting done.

There’s a new member of Twitter: the Dalai Lama. I think he just did it to make China mad. Everything he does annoys China, it’s like he’s Ellen DeGeneres and China is Simon Cowell.

I disagreed with Cheney about a lot of things, but when he shot that lawyer in the face — you took my heart, Dick.

Do you know why it is a good day today? I'll tell you why. Because the new credit card regulations start today. That's good news if you have credit card debt, like me. I racked up 50 grand on bedazzlers.

But starting today, the credit card companies have to scale back their evil ways. They can't raise or increase rates whenever they want. That's great news, because Americans owe $874 billion to credit card companies. To be fair, most of that is Mel Gibson's bar tab.

I don't keep many credit cards because I'm worried someone might steal my identity. Yeah, right. Like anyone would want my identity. After two days, they'd beg me to take it back.

Credit card companies make most of their profits from loaning money to people who they know can't pay it back. That's why credit card companies are evil. They're like a cross between Satan and divorce lawyers.

Credit card companies have been good for one group, of course. The mafia. When you need to borrow money, the mob seems like a better deal. 'You don't pay me back, I break both your legs.' 'Is that all? Fine.'

The Tiger Woods press conference was earlier today, and I was riveted by that. I think the most interesting part was when he apologized to the 'mistress in your region.'





Funny Jon Stewart's take on Prez Obama's Health Care Summit. Explains the practice of "reconciliation" in the Senate for moving votes along. Stewart Skewers GOP For Deeming Health Care Summit A "Setup":

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Summit's Eve
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Vancouverage 2010

From Jimmy Kimmel:

Former Vice President Dick Cheney was released from the hospital today after being treated for a mild heart attack, his fifth heart attack. Next one's free.

Something weird happened in the hospital. When they were putting the electrodes on him for the EKG, he suddenly started screaming, 'Stop! I'll tell you everything you want to know!'

Doctors have sent him home with strict instructions not to watch 'Keeping Up With the Kardashians' anymore.

Today, Congress held more hearings with the executives of Toyota. Akio Toyoda, the president of the company and great-grandson of the company founder, came in from Japan to testify. This is a big deal, because this guy is a notoriously private person. He rarely checks his Facebook account. He's very private.

He came to apologize, and I think he even offered to kill himself with a sword.

Yesterday, Oprah's entire set was made of chocolate. See, this is what happens when Oprah gets high.

More than 100,000 free condoms have been distributed in the Olympic Village...Because if there's one thing we don't want, it's the best athletes in the world getting together and producing more.

It was a fun day for the head of Toyota U.S.A. today. He had to appear in front of Congress to be yelled at by men who don't do anything.

I have to say, it was actually refreshing to see a car company C.E.O. appear before Congress and not ask for $10 billion.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney was rushed to the hospital in Washington, D.C., yesterday with chest pains. Doctors say he — oh. Let's just move on. We're not going to top that.

Tiger was adamant that his wife Elin never hit him with a golf club. I guess his Escalade fell down the stairs.

It was a fun day for the head of Toyota U.S.A. today. He had to appear in front of Congress to be yelled at by men who don't do anything. I have to say, it was actually refreshing to see a car company CEO appear before Congress and not ask for $10 billion.

President Obama met with the Dalai Lama today, despite strong objections from the Chinese government. They've even threatened to stop sending us poisonous toys.

President Obama hosted a bipartisan healthcare summit yesterday. They met for a little more than six hours which, coincidentally, happens to be the average wait time at the emergency room, if you're bleeding.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney was released from the hospital today after being treated for a mild heart attack, his fifth heart attack. Next one's free.





Colbert is his usual irreverent self and gossips up the Cold War on Ice between the whining cry baby Russian versus the classy American who took a whole country's ire on the chin gracefully. Let me see if I understand this correctly: an American wins the gold and the Russians throw a temper tantrum because they wanted the gold.

Learn from America what America learned from you, Russia, during the Cold War era: Invest in your athletes and shell out the money to develop them. Don't blame America for what you were too cheap to invest. There was a time when Russia dominated the winter sports and that time was when Russia had a standard of excellence and invested in it. That time has passed by because of a lack of national interest.

Skip blaming everyone else for your rage and bring it home to where it belongs: on Russia's doorstep. Really, Mr. Putin, I expected better personal discipline from you. What a childish act of peeing on the gold medalist's stand by the silver medal holder skipping about the dais. He should have been disqualified for "stupid is as stupid does." He was outskated and out coached. Get over it. Gee, "do ya think?" I have an opinion about that incident? :)

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Cold War Update - Olympic Edition
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor Skate Expectations

From Bill Maher:

We're finding out a lot about Joe Stack. That's right, Joe the Suicide Bomber, the guy who flew the plane into the IRS office building in Texas. Boy, I knew teabaggers were mad, I didn't know they had an air force.

And now the authorities are trying to determine whether this is a terrorist attack, or just a tragic accident caused by Kevin Smith's fat a$$.

Over at the White House, President Obama met with the Dalai Lama. One akward moment when Rahm Emanuel stuck his head in the room and said, 'Who's the retard in the blanket?'

The Winter Olympics, apparently a big thing for a lot of people, and America has won the most medals. The only sport I really get into is snowboarding because that's the only sport where they perform a half pipe just after smoking a full pipe.

About the two political parties sitting down together to try and reach bi-partisanship for the TV cameras at the Health Care Summit: President Obama met with the Republicans for seven hours. And he was very patient with them. He praised them when it was appropriate, he was gently critical when necessary. It was like watching a really good special ed teacher.

Being politicians, they all got to sharing their personal stories. Obama talked about his mother's battle with cancer. Harry Reid talked about a kid with a cleft palate. And John McCain told how he once carried a brain dead woman through an entire campaign.

Over at the White House, President Obama met with the Dalai Lama. One akward moment when Rahm Emanuel stuck his head in the room and said, 'Who's the retard in the blanket?'

At the end of all of this, Obama says he doesn't think that he can reach a deal with the Republicans. You're just figuring that out now? I keep telling you, Barry, they're not that into you. Obama's like a guy in college who spends a whole year, wasting it, trying to hit on Ellen DeGeneres (a public lesbian - for those living outside America - she is a comedian who also has a successful TV show).

Balloons dropped because Dick Cheney had his millionth heart attack. And who came by yesterday to cheer him up? The 'Angel of Duh' himself, George Bush. They sat together, and Bush said he had spent the last year working on his book. I swear. Hard to believe Bush has a book. But if you buy Cheney has a heart...





From David Letterman:

You're watching CBS, home of the 1998 Winter Olympics.

Dick Cheney loves snowboarding. He thinks it's waterboarding, but colder.

Dick Cheney and Joe Biden are having a feud. It's because Biden removed Cheney's dungeon at the White House.

David Letterman's Top Ten Signs You're Not Going To Win An Olympic Gold Medal

10. You're allergic to snow
9. Fired a gun during your event but it's not the biathlon
8. Your neck is too fat to hang a medal on
7. You get winded saying "slalom"
6. Nobody can find any record of your home nation "Funkytown"
5. Only experience skating on ice is in your marriage (you fellas know what I'm talking about)
4. You're having a hard time putting your pants on over your skis
3. Skipped practice to see "Valentine's Day" — The Philadelphia Inquirer calls it an all-star candy sampler. Buy your tickets today!
2. Southwest Airlines kicked you off a flight to Vancouver because you're too fat
1. You haven't been off the couch since the '06 Winter Games





Jon Stewart lampoons CPAC for the Republicans as the conservatives weirdest answer to Woodstock while not high on recreational drugs. That's a bit scary. These guys are making nonsense declarations sober and straight. Be afraid; be very afraid...

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
CPAC 2010 - Rage Within the Machine
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Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Health Care Reform

And fresh from the mouth of the right wing entertainer nutjob, Glenn Beck: Progressivism is evil, very evil. Taxes are bad for you. Of course, taxes pay for the roads of how business people send their goods to market. Taxes pay for those public libraries and museums you so enjoy. Jon Stewart's arch nemesis is Glenn Beck and he loves to take apart the bizarre declarations of he and his "witty" friends.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Rage Within the Machine - Progressivism
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Health Care Reform

Top 10 Jokes About Health Care Reform

1. The health care bill was introduced yesterday. It's 1,990 pages long and costs $894 billion dollars. Or $2.2 million per word. That makes them the most expensive words to come out of Washington since 'Mission Accomplished.'- Jimmy Fallon

2. If conservatives get to call universal healthcare 'socialized medicine,' I get to call private, for-profit healthcare 'soulless, vampire bastards making money off human pain.' - Bill Maher

3. Not such a great day for the health care reform. The so-called public option died on the Senate floor today. It could have survived, but apparently it had a pre-existing condition. - Craig Ferguson

4. President Obama says he will not support a health-care plan where the government gets to decide whether to, quote, 'pull the plug on Grandma.' Apparently, Obama's plan calls for the much quicker pillow option. - Conan O'Brien

5. Barack Obama has been working hard to push his healthcare proposal. Obama still wants the bill to be bipartisan, but he's a realist, and given the near unanimous Republican opposition he's facing, now says he'd be satisfied if the bill was just bicurious. - Jimmy Kimmel

6. The health care bill was introduced yesterday. It's 1,990 pages long and costs $894 billion dollars. Or $2.2 million per word. That makes them the most expensive words to come out of Washington since 'Mission Accomplished.' - Jimmy Fallon

7. If conservatives get to call universal healthcare 'socialized medicine,' I get to call private, for-profit healthcare 'soulless, vampire bastards making money off human pain.' - Bill Maher

8. Not such a great day for the health care reform. The so-called public option died on the Senate floor today. It could have survived, but apparently it had a pre-existing condition. – Craig Ferguson

9. President Obama says he will not support a health-care plan where the government gets to decide whether to, quote, 'pull the plug on Grandma.' Apparently, Obama's plan calls for the much quicker pillow option. - Conan O'Brien

10. Barack Obama has been working hard to push his healthcare proposal. Obama still wants the bill to be bipartisan, but he's a realist, and given the near unanimous Republican opposition he's facing, now says he'd be satisfied if the bill was just bicurious. - Jimmy Kimmel

6. The health care overhaul will extend coverage to 30 million people who are uninsured, or, as Walmart calls them, employees. – Jimmy Fallon

7. Congressman John Boehner told a crowd of protesters yesterday that the new health care bill was the 'greatest threat to freedom he's ever seen.' And then the Taliban was like, 'Uh, helloooo? What?!' – Jimmy Fallon

8. To win passage for this health-care bill, President Obama went up to Capitol Hill and personally lobbied some of the wavering congressmen. And of course, the health insurance industry, they were very upset. You know, they said they bought and paid for these congressmen, he has no right to go up to them and talk to them. – Jay Leno

9. You know what is worse than being sick and not having health insurance? Having to sit through the Lieberman filibuster that kept it from you. – Jon Stewart

10. The big news was the Senate yesterday - the finance committee - rejected the Democrats' health-care plan, the one with the public option. Meanwhile, the Republicans are offering their own health-care plan. It's called, 'Stop Crying and Take an Advil.' - Jimmy Fallon





These two quizzes are just too funny! I took both of them as the answer choices were all hilarious. One of the funniest tests I ever enjoyed. OK, so I like to mess with quiz results - and I had fun creating the political equivalent of becoming a two-sided conflicted Gemini. Read that as the tests can be manipulated to result as a devotee of either side:


10 Questions to Determine Your Political Identity

Democrat Loyalty Quiz

Republican Loyalty Quiz



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