17 May 2010

Roundup of Late Night Funnies - 17 May 2010

*** Chock full of hilarious video clips from Stephen Colbert, Jon Stewart and Betty White on SNL.

From Denny: OK, so when was the last time you saw knitted food? Probably never. We just don't have much experience with the latest needlework enthusiasts and their crazy sense of humor. A knitted banana pretty much says it all when it comes to BP trying to clean up an oil spill - a joke. Maybe we could marshal the global knitting community to provide knitted bananas to soak up the oil and string them all together into a boom? Bet those bananas would do a better job dancing on the high chop seas than those boring booms.

BP was bragging today they are siphoning off up to 1,000 gallons of oil a day into a tanker to be separated and removed. Hmmm... and scientists figure at least 70,000 gallons a day are gushing out of the earth's crust a day - a conservative estimate. BP's next brilliant idea is to shove golf balls and broken tires up into the broken well pipe. Are you getting the vision just like me of exploding golf balls at freezing three mile depths or what? OK, everyone now raise your little hands into the air who agree with me we have something else they should shove up their dear little pipes: a bushel full of knitted bananas...??? :)

Oh, well, so much for Gulf Coast humor as we watch our economy die in slow motion. I guess it will be the Atlantic Coast's turn soon to see what new humor they can develop when the ocean's loop current starts to move that oil out of the Gulf and up the East Coast.

Check out the Democrats cartoon referencing my Dems may be in trouble this November with all the voter anger in America. They just had to squander their majority. They just had to enable Big Business. People are furious. It will be interesting to see how the public reacts at the polls and acts as Big Business continues to play the role of the ugly monster of greed without anyone enforcing the law or consumer protections and rights.

Meanwhile, we all have the comedians to keep us laughing instead of crying as we await the outcome of this unprecedented environmental disaster. Just for you - and I enjoyed watching every one of them - there are a slew of the latest funny videos to enjoy. The comics are still talking about stellar and very funny Betty White from last week when she took the comedy world by storm on SNL - so I included some of her videos for a grin too. All these goodies should tide you over through your work week so sit back, laugh out loud and live well!

From Jay Leno:

At a stop in Buffalo today, a woman walked up to President Obama and said, 'You're a hottie with a smokin' little body.' I'll tell you, Betty White is out of control.

According to the top people in the petroleum industry, the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico will not affect gas prices. They said, 'They were going up anyway.'

According to a recent survey, one in eight people say they will not buy gas from BP anymore. Unless, of course, it's cheaper than the station across the street.

Tar balls have started washing ashore in Louisiana. Meanwhile, the slime balls that started the whole thing are still in Washington.

And the Senate this week voted to toughen the standards for home loans. Under the new standards, lenders would have to verify that the borrowers can repay the loan. Really? Is that considered a tough stance now? You have to pay back the loan? Borrow money from the mob sometime. They break your legs. Those are tough standards, okay?

Officials in the U.S. Treasury are complaining that some Mideast countries like Kuwait are not cooperating and shutting down the flow of money to Al Qaeda. Correct me if I'm wrong. Didn't we liberate Kuwait? Now they don't want to help us. Who do they think they are? France?

The Los Angeles City Council voted to boycott Arizona to protest the new anti-immigration law. The council vote wasn't even close. The council voted, trece to uno.

Sarah Palin coming out with a second book in November, which is pretty impressive. This book was written almost as fast as the first book she didn't write.

Now, according to The Wall Street Journal, a new study says a parent should not be alarmed if their child tells a lie. They say it's a natural part of development and there are three phases — adolescent lying, young adult lying, and of course, oil executive lying. That is the biggest.

BP, Transocean and Halliburton are blaming each other for the Gulf of Mexico oil spill. They are all right.

These people make Goldman Sachs look responsible, don't they?

BP is going to try to stop the leak by pushing garbage into it. Oh, yeah, they haven't screwed up the gulf enough, let's fill it with garbage, too.

Well, the latest plan was to cover the leak with another concrete dome, a smaller one called a top hat. Who came up with this idea, Mr. Moneybags, from the Monopoly game? What's next, the giant thimble?

Well, the Senate today voted to toughen standards for home loans. Under these new standards, lenders would have to verify that borrowers can repay the loan. Let's just hope China doesn't adopt this.

Hey, here's some good news. The price of oil has dropped by $12 a barrel. I mean, why buy it when you can just scoop it out of the water, huh?

Oh, speaking of that. If anybody needs a 100-ton concrete containment dome, there's one on eBay for 75 bucks.

Actually, you know, that stupid idea about using a giant concrete dome and putting it over the leak, well, that didn't work. In fact, experts are calling this the worst use of a concrete dome since they built that stadium for the Detroit Lions.

Funny Video: Colbert Lampoons Kagan Confirmation Hearing

Funny Video: Stewart Skewers Conservatives 4 Obama-Bush Comparisons

Now they're talking about trying to clog the leak up with garbage, like tires and golf balls. You know, where are the OxiClean people? Why don't we bring them down? Why not use the miracle cleaning power of oranges? Where are those people? Let's get the experts in here.

The three companies involved in the oil spill are Transocean, BP and Halliburton. They're all blaming the other guy. I was stunned. Oil company executives passing the buck. It was just shocking.

Congress told BP they can't label this catastrophic failure as an unpredictable and unforeseeable occurrence. See, Congress used that excuse for not catching the financial meltdown, so now they have to come up with their own excuse.

Greece has a huge economic crisis. Tourism's down there. Government spending is up. And Greece hasn't done anything in 2,000 years, really. I mean, other than that little to-go coffee cup in New York, there's not a lot they've made.

Greece is a relatively small country. It would be like a state over here. But it overspends, it over borrows, it promises expensive pension plans, it over-taxes, it over-regulates business. So, the state it would be here would be California.

Not looking good around the world, folks. A top investment analyst says China's economy will slow down and crash within the year. You know, they already have signs of trouble over there, too. Do you know the unemployment rate is a staggering 12 percent among 3-year-olds in China?

Well, in announcing this Elena Kagan as his nominee for the Supreme Court, President Barack Obama characterized Kagan as a 'trailblazing leader.' The other Democrats said she was a wise choice because she had no paper trail.

Well, in Colorado one of the gubernatorial candidates has taken out a Craigslist ad to find a running mate. Is that a good idea? Hey, it didn't work when John McCain tried it.

And our transportation secretary, a man named Ray LaHood, announced that we are going to reopen the U.S. border to Mexican trucks. Apparently they couldn't squeeze enough people into vans anymore, so they're going to trucks now.

Hey, the government announced today they're making big changes to the do-not-fly list. Apparently, asking terrorists to be on the honor system has not been working. So now they're going to start cracking down.

It's interesting: U.S. investigators are trying to understand how the Times Square bomber took numerous trips back and forth to Pakistan even though the guy's name was on the no-fly list. Know what I think happened? I think the government confused the no-fly list with the 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' list.

President Obama has picked Solicitor General Elena Kagan as his Supreme Court nominee. America does not know a whole lot about her. All we know at this point is during the last 'Twilight' movie, she was 'Team Jacob.'

The Obama administration has revealed the size of America's nuclear arsenal. The U.S. has 5,113 warheads, approximately 1,000 of them aimed at China, 1,000 aimed at Russia, and the rest, of course, aimed at Fox News.

Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood said today the Obama administration will soon reopen the U.S. border to Mexican trucks. Of course, this came a huge shock to Mexican truck drivers. They didn't even know it was closed.

British Petroleum said today that if this spill gets worse, they may soon have to start drilling for water.

Well, in China, the one child limit may be on its way out because Chinese experts say there aren't enough babies in the country anymore. To give you an idea how bad it's getting, some factories over there are now being forced to hire adults.

From David Letterman:

They got a new prime minister in Great Britain. Name is David Cameron, and he has pledged to protect the country from terrorism. So today, he met with the nation's top T-shirt vendors.

So Gordon Brown is out. The election was delayed for like a week or 10 days because Al Gore demanded a recount.

And it looks like we may be getting a new Supreme Court justice from New York City. Her name is Elena Kagan. And she's apparently very, very smart. Here's how smart she is: The woman actually understands New York City parking signs.

Good news from the world of publishing. Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska, has a new book coming out this fall. The warning came from an alert T-shirt vendor.

How about that oil spill in the gulf? They were going to put down what they called a containment platform, and they were going to lower it into the gulf. But that didn't work. So now, British Petroleum wants to try something else. It's a smaller containment device called the top hat. They get the top hat on the well, and then they're going to get John Wilkes Booth to shoot at it.

Let me tell you about 'The Late Show.' It's like a car bomb and an oil spill all in one.

3 Funny Videos: Hilarious Betty White On SNL, Cartoonist Mocks Tea Party

Funny Video: Colbert On BP Oil Containment - No One Knows What The Flock They're Doing

Earlier today, the British Petroleum oil executives — the guys responsible for the big oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico — they testified before Congress. This was great. They were criticized by the same guys who approved drilling in the gulf.

But these British Petroleum executives are trying to spin this a little bit. I heard one guy say today that it's a good thing, actually, because now when you open a clam, the hinge doesn't squeak.

The State Department now has warned against travel to the tribal regions of Pakistan. There goes my summer vacation.

It looks like the next Supreme Court justice could be a New Yorker. Her name is Elena Kagan. She has never argued before a judge before. But living in New York City, you know, she's argued in cabs, she's argued in subways, she's argued in delis, she's argued in her apartment, she's yelled at her super, she's argued in line.

The Arizona government is very defensive about its new immigration law. They are being accused of just looking for Mexicans. The Arizona government says, 'No, earlier today we were rounding up Germans.'

This oil spill in the Gulf is affecting everybody. In fact, when I went to lunch this weekend and ordered the sea bass, they asked if I wanted it regular or unleaded.

This is going to be the biggest environmental disaster ever. You know what that means? More bonuses.

From Craig Ferguson:

Last weekend, President Obama gave an impassioned speech against technology. And then he had to stop when the teleprompter broke.

Google's new Android phone is outselling Apple's iPhone. I don't know what an Android can do, besides dance the robot or become the governor of California.

It is a great day for America's Supreme Court. President Obama just nominated Elena Kagan to be the next Supreme Court justice. He went against the advice of Joe Biden. Biden wanted Iron Man.

The British elections were last Thursday, but they still don't know who's running the country. The whole country is topsy-turvy. People are skipping afternoon tea. Some have even taken to brushing their teeth.

Britain's current prime minister, Gordon Brown, announced that he is stepping down and his replacement might be the education secretary, a gentleman named Ed Balls. I would like to make a plea on behalf of late night talk show hosts and bad comedians everywhere — I implore the voters of Britain to make sure that happens.

I'm glad here in the U.S. we always know who's running things: Oprah.

Funny Video: Cover Up Your Sex Scandal With A New Batch Of Euphemisms

Funny Video: Colbert Lampoons Conservative Preacher and His Rentboy

From Jimmy Fallon:

Sarah Palin has a new book coming out called 'America by Heart: Reflections on Family, Faith and Flag.' Coincidentally, Faith and Flag are the names Palin picked out if she ever has twins.

Police in Cairo have detained an American man who arrived on a flight from JFK with two handguns, 250 bullets, swords, daggers and knives in his luggage. When they heard this, JFK screeners were like, 'Sure he had all these things, but here's what he didn't have — bottled water or nail clippers.'

Prison inmates in Louisiana are now pitching in to clean up the Gulf Coast oil spill. At this point, the solutions have been dump chemicals in the ocean, shoot a bunch of garbage under water and release prisoners. If none of that works, they're going to have Al Qaeda come take a look at it.

There's speculation that the 1,000-point drop in the Dow may have been sparked by a typo, where someone entered 'billion' instead of 'million' on a trading order. Economists are saying a single letter hasn't caused this many problems since the letter 'Dubya.'

Funny Video: Cartoonist Mocks Tea Party Hypocrisy

Funny Video: Betty White On SNL Monologue

Funny Video: Betty White, SNL Golden Girls Lampoon Lawrence Welk Show

From Jimmy Kimmel:

The state of Hawaii passed a new law allowing the state government to ignore requests for President Obama's birth certificate from the 'Birthers.' From now on, every future president should be required to be born on camera and in front of a national landmark.'

*** Last week's Roundup of Late Night Funnies:

Roundup of Late Night Funnies - 10 May 2010

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