12 May 2010

Funny Wall Street Quotes and Jokes, Stewart Lampoons Wall Street - Cheeky Quote Day 12 May 2010

Photo by I'm Fantastic @ flickr

From Denny: If there's anyone who deserves the Bozo Sapiens Award it's Wall Street for the current economy. Standing alongside them and tied for First Stupid is BP and their "gift" to the Gulf Coast of Mexico (where I live) and America: the still gushing oil spill they still haven't figured out how to cap. It's like trying to put a cork in an angry volcano. Good luck on that one, guys.

Gee, "Do ya think?" just maybe you were not supposed to break the law and drill past the 18,000 foot limit the government gave you? Oh, and "Do ya think?" just maybe that safety valve you tested, you knew it failed, yet you chose to use it anyway and so the oil rig blew up. "Do ya think?" your calculated gamble blew up in your face? Such is the arrogance of the lobbyists and cozy Wall Street greed monsters who compromise the quality of our lives every day.

So, when I ran across Jon Stewart's little funny rant aimed at Wall Street over at The Huffington Post - good ol' Huff wastes no time spearing Wall Street bankers - it was high time to find some other funnies to lampoon the surreal atmosphere of economic chaos and free market free-for-all-fall the country has been experiencing, courtesy of these guys.

My favorite cartoonists have some social commentary about Wall Street too. Even a new poll by NBC showed 75% of the country no longer trusts Washington. Over 81% are fed up with the economy. No surprises for me as I'm almost always on target, tuned into how everyone else is feeling, smack in the middle of the pack in agreement - while issuing commentary. :) Have some fun with these quotes, new Wall Street definitions and a ludicrous email scam and Stewart's funny video.

*** Find the humor in the darkest circumstances, the most intractable situations and just plain "Keep Laughing!" is my motto...


* Let Wall Street have a nightmare and the whole country has to help get them back in bed again. - Will Rogers

* A wise man told me don't argue with fools cause people, from a distance, can't tell who is who. - Hova

* Beware of geeks bearing formulas. - Warren Buffet

* A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and goes to bed at night and in between he does what he wants to do. - Bob Dylan

* Children and dogs are as necessary to the welfare of the country as Wall Street and the railroads. - Harry Truman

* After spending many years in Wall Street and after making and losing millions of dollars I want to tell you this: It never was my thinking that made the big money for me. It always was my sitting. - Jesse Livermore

* It was a typical downtown male mix. Ten percent Wall Street, ten percent real estate, and ten percent Samantha had already slept with. [Carrie] - Sex and the City

* Wall Street: A thoroughfare that begins in a graveyard and ends in a river. - Anonymous

* Wall Street indices predicted nine out of the last five recessions! - Paul A. Samuelson

* Men in the uniform of Wall Street retirement: black Chesterfield coat, rimless glasses and the Times folded to the obituary page. - Jimmy Breslin

* WALL STREET, n. A symbol for sin for every devil to rebuke. That Wall Street is a den of thieves is a belief that serves every unsuccessful thief in place of a hope in Heaven. Even the great and good Andrew Carnegie has made his profession of faith in the matter. - Ambrose Bierce

New Investment Definitions

These terms have been redefined to fit current circumstances:

CEO - Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO - Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET - A six to eighteen month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex!

VALUE INVESTING - The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER - What my broker has made me.

(S&P) STANDARD & POOR - Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

MARKET CORRECTION - The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the Toilet.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR - Past year investor who's now locked up in a Nuthouse.

MOMENTUM INVESTING - The fine art of buying high and selling low.

'BUY, BUY' - A flight attendant making market recommendations as you step off the plane.

FINANCIAL PLANNER - A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-Eleven for toilet paper and cigarettes.

CALL OPTION - Something people used to do with a telephone in ancient times before e-mail.

YA HOO - What you yell after selling all you owned to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

- What you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought Yahoo for $240 per share.

PROFIT - Religious guy who talks to God.

And so it goes and "It is what it is..."

Bogus email that made the internet circuit when all the bailout lunacy started. It's written in the style of those bizarre scam emails out of Nigeria and Britain:

Your Urgent Help Needed

Dear Fellow American:

I need to ask you to support an urgent secret business relationship with a transfer of funds of great magnitude.

I am Ministry of the Treasury of the Republic of America. My country has had a crisis that has caused the need for large transfer of funds of 800 billion dollars US. If you would assist me in this transfer, it would be most profitable to you.

I am working with Mr. Phil Gram, lobbyist for UBS, who will be my replacement as Ministry of the Treasury in January. As a Senator, you may know him as the leader of the American banking deregulation movement in the 1990s. This transaction is 100% safe.

This is a matter of great urgency. We need a blank check. We need the funds as quickly as possible. We cannot directly transfer these funds in the names of our close friends because we are constantly under surveillance. My family lawyer advised me that I should look for a reliable and trustworthy person who will act as a next of kin so the funds can be transferred.

Please reply with all of your bank account, IRA and college fund account numbers and those of your children and grandchildren to wallstreetbailout@treasury.gov so that we may transfer your commission for this transaction. After I receive that information, I will respond with detailed information about safeguards that will be used to protect the funds.

Yours Faithfully,

Minister of Treasury Paulson

Stewart Slams Wall Street For Stock Market Crash

Jon Stewart does so love to mock the outrageous like the Wall Street culture. He went after the recent 1,000 point drop that was weakly explained away by some trader with a fat finger who couldn't type correctly. Now who would believe that one? Bit by bit the actual truth is still coming out. Not one company was hurt by the fast and furious trade but several companies. Can you imagine being worth $40 million one minute and then literally only worth $40,000??? A lot of people got rich off that deal and have yet to return the profits.

Stewart thought this was a prime opportunity to mock Wall Street for not putting any real safeguards in place - or enforcing the ones they do have - but also running like sprayed cockroaches from responsibility and accountability. Wall Street keeps claiming it's "a perfect storm" of circumstances. Yeah, sure. Stewart points out just how many "perfect storms" occur on Wall Street - like every couple of weeks!

Stewart's comment to Wall Street ineptitude: "Why is it that whenever something happens to the people that should've seen it coming - didn't see coming? It's blamed on one of these rare, once in a century, perfect storms that for some reason take place every f--king two weeks. I'm beginning to think these are not perfect storms. I'm beginning to think these are regular storms and we have a sh--ty boat."

The Daily Show With Jon StewartMon - Thurs 11p / 10c
A Nightmare on Wall Street
Daily Show Full EpisodesPolitical HumorTea Party

And just in case you need reminding or to pump up your attitude today:
*** Find the humor in the darkest circumstances, the most intractable situations and just plain "Keep Laughing!" is my motto...

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