05 May 2010

Funny Parenting Quotes 4 Mothers Day - Cheeky Quote Day 5 May 2010

From Denny: Those of you who are parents will get a huge laugh out of a lot of these funny quotes and gems of wisdom. There is just something about getting that all important validation when you hear other people experience what you experience.

Parenting is a serious business requiring so much from a person over a long sustained period of time. It taxes your patience, your wallet, your sanity and tugs on your heart strings endlessly.

I enjoy looking at parenting from a wider perspective to include mentoring and quality close friendships. There are those times when you offer your support to another who is experiencing a lot more than just a bad day. You end up in a parenting role when you lend a hand to help or a shoulder to cry on or a heart to understand.

Happy Mothers Day to all you special mothers for all the work you do - that often goes unnoticed - and the love you give every day for a life time! Whether you are a mother with children, a mother with cute fur balls like kittens with dandelion fur or adorable puppies with puppy breath or a mother who loves to nurture and care for the planet - Congratulations, you have won the prize of a life time: the love, the trust and the admiration of those who surround you.

Parenting Poems

Children aren't happy with nothing to ignore,
And that's what parents were created for.
- Ogden Nash, "The Parent," Happy Days, 1933

If I had my child to raise all over again,
I'd build self-esteem first, and the house later.
I'd finger-paint more, and point the finger less.
I would do less correcting and more connecting.
I'd take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes.
I'd take more hikes and fly more kites.
I'd stop playing serious, and seriously play.
I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars.
I'd do more hugging and less tugging.
- Diane Loomans, from "If I Had My Child To Raise Over Again"

Photo by I'm Fantastic @ flickr

Funny Quotes:

* Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children, and no theories. - John Wilmot

* Sing out loud in the car even, or especially, if it embarrasses your children. - Marilyn Penland

* You will always be your child's favorite toy. - Vicki Lansky, Trouble-Free Travel with Children, 1991

* You don't have to deserve your mother's love. You have to deserve your father's. He is more particular.... The father is always a Republican towards his son, and his mother's always a Democrat. - Robert Frost

* My mom used to say it doesn't matter how many kids you have... because one kid'll take up 100% of your time so more kids can't possibly take up more than 100% of your time. - Karen Brown

* You don't really understand human nature unless you know why a child on a merry-go-round will wave at his parents every time around - and why his parents will always wave back. - William D. Tammeus

* Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. - Elizabeth Stone

* Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage. - Marcelene Cox

* It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge. - Phyllis Diller

* Don't worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you. - Robert Fulghum

* Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they didn't have anything to do with it. - Haim Ginott

* The trouble with learning to parent on the job is that your child is the teacher. - Robert Brault

* If you have never been hated by your child you have never been a parent. - Bette Davis

* It kills you to see them grow up. But I guess it would kill you quicker if they didn't. - Barbara Kingsolver, Animal Dreams

* Now the thing about having a baby - and I can't be the first person to have noticed this - is that thereafter you have it. - Jean Kerr

* Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive them. - Oscar Wilde

* There is only one pretty child in the world, and every mother has it. - Chinese Proverb

* Children are a great comfort in your old age - and they help you reach it faster, too. - Lionel Kauffman

* If nature had arranged that husbands and wives should have children alternatively, there would never be more than three in a family. - Lawrence Housman

* Parenthood is the passing of a baton, followed by a lifelong disagreement as to who dropped it. - Robert Brault

* Most of us become parents long before we have stopped being children. - Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

* The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable. - Lane Olinghouse

* Simply having children does not make mothers. - John A. Shedd

* Smack your child every day. If you don't know why - he does. - Joey Adams (a comic from the WW2 generation that believed in developing aggressive kids through spanking, fear and intimidation)

* Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. - Red Buttons (from a WW2 generation comic that figured out it wasn't smart to beat your kids because of unintended consequences)

* There is a strong chance that siblings who turn out well were hassled by the same parents. - Robert Brault

* Having babies is fun, but babies grow up into people. - M*A*S*H, Colonel Potter, "The Price of Tomato Juice"

* My mother protected me from the world and my father threatened me with it. - Quentin Crisp, The Naked Civil Servant, 1968

* When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out. - Erma Bombeck

* Labor Day is a glorious holiday because your child will be going back to school the next day. It would have been called Independence Day, but that name was already taken. - Bill Dodds

* I love to play hide and seek with my kid, but some days my goal is to find a hiding place where he can't find me until after high school. - Anonymous

* Although there are many trial marriages... there is no such thing as a trial child. - Gail Sheehy

* The beauty of "spacing" children many years apart lies in the fact that parents have time to learn the mistakes that were made with the older ones - which permits them to make exactly the opposite mistakes with the younger ones. - Sydney J. Harris

* Your children tell you casually years later what it would have killed you with worry to know at the time. - Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

* The thing that impresses me most about America is the way parents obey their children. - Edward, Duke of Windsor, Look, 5 March 1957

* The problem with children is that you have to put up with their parents. - Charles DeLint (tell that one to today's public and private school teachers and they will agree)

* Was there ever a grandparent, bushed after a day of minding noisy youngsters, who hasn't felt the Lord knew what He was doing when He gave little children to young people? - Joe E. Wells

* Ma-ma does everything for the baby, who responds by saying Da-da first. - Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

* Insanity is hereditary - you get it from your kids. - Sam Levenson

* There may be some doubt as to who are the best people to have charge of children, but there can be no doubt that parents are the worst. - George Bernard Shaw

* A parent who has never apologized to his children is a monster. If he's always apologizing, his children are monsters. - Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

* Mother Nature is wonderful. Children get too old for piggy-back rides just about the same time they get too heavy for them. - Anonymous

* I don't believe professional athletes should be role models. I believe parents should be role models.... It's not like it was when I was growing up. My mom and my grandmother told me how it was going to be. If I didn't like it, they said, "Don't let the door hit you in the a$$ets on your way out." Parents have to take better control. - Charles Barkley, professional athlete

* Mother Nature, in her infinite wisdom, has instilled within each of us a powerful biological instinct to reproduce; this is her way of assuring that the human race, come what may, will never have any disposable income. - Dave Barry

* Hot dogs always seem better out than at home; so do French-fried potatoes; so do your children. - Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960

* As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it, or leave it. - Buddy Hackett

* It is not a bad thing that children should occasionally, and politely, put parents in their place. - Colette, My Mother's House, 1922

* Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs. - P.J. O'Rourke

* Likely as not, the child you can do the least with will do the most to make you proud. - Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

* The one thing children wear out faster than shoes is parents. - John J. Plomp

* You see much more of your children once they leave home. - Lucille Ball

* Raising children is like making biscuits: it is as easy to raise a big batch as one, while you have your hands in the dough. - E.W. Howe

* A young lady is a female child who has just done something dreadful. - Judith Martin

Collecting sea shells by Brian Harrington Spier @ flickr

* Parenting is a stage of life's journey where the milestones come about every fifty feet. - Robert Brault

* Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners. - Anonymous

* The secret of dealing successfully with a child is not to be its parent. - Mell Lazarus

* No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I'm not talking about the kids. - Bill Cosby, Fatherhood, 1986

* The ideal home: big enough for you to hear the children, but not very well. - Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

* Parenthood is a lot easier to get into than out of. - Bruce Lansky

* A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp. - Raymond Duncan

* Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you. - Erma Bombeck

* Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell, the name will carry (loudly on the wind so the whole neighborhood can hear you). - Bill Cosby

* Sometimes, in a moral struggle, we discover the right thing to do - just as, on some cold day long ago, we discovered mittens pinned to our coat sleeve. - Robert Brault

* Instant availability without continuous presence is probably the best role a mother can play. - Lotte Bailyn

* If your parents didn't have any children, there's a good chance that you won't have any. - Clarence Day

* A child enters your home and for the next twenty years makes so much noise you can hardly stand it. The child departs, leaving the house so silent you think you are going mad. - John Andrew Holmes

* Setting a good example for your children takes all the fun out of middle age. - William Feather, The Business of Life, 1949

* Parents are not interested in justice; they are interested in quiet. - Bill Cosby

* Your responsibility as a parent is not as great as you might imagine. You need not supply the world with the next conqueror of disease or major motion-picture star. If your child simply grows up to be someone who does not use the word "collectible" as a noun, you can consider yourself an unqualified success. - Fran Lebowitz, "Parental Guidance," Social Studies, 1981

* A child, like your stomach, doesn't need all you can afford to give it. - Frank A. Clark

* Your children vividly remember every unkind thing you ever did to them, plus a few you really didn't. - Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

* Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying. - Fran Lebowitz, Social Studies

* The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed. - Anonymous

* The trouble with having a stubbornness contest with your kids is that they have your stubbornness gene. - Robert Brault

* If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says "keep away from children." - Susan Savannah

* In spite of the seven thousand books of expert advice, the right way to discipline a child is still a mystery to most fathers and... mothers. Only your grandmother and Ghengis Khan know how to do it. - Billy Cosby

* These are my daughters, I suppose. But where in the world did the children vanish? - Phyllis McGinley, "Ballad of Lost Objects," 1954

* Getting down on all fours and imitating a rhinoceros stops babies from crying. (Put an empty cigarette pack on your nose for a horn and make loud "snort" noises.) I don't know why parents don't do this more often. Usually it makes the kid laugh. Sometimes it sends him into shock. Either way it quiets him down. If you're a parent, acting like a rhino has another advantage. Keep it up until the kid is a teenager and he definitely won't have his friends hanging around your house all the time. - P.J. O'Rourke

* In spite of the six thousand manuals on child raising in the bookstores, child raising is still a dark continent and no one really knows anything. You just need a lot of love and luck - and, of course, courage. - Bill Cosby, Fatherhood, 1986

* If you must hold yourself up to your children as an object lesson, hold yourself up as a warning and not as an example. - George Bernard Shaw

* From the moment of birth, when the Stone-Age baby confronts the twentieth-century mother, the baby is subjected to these forces of violence called love, as its father and mother and their parents and their parents before them, have been. These forces are mainly concerned with destroying most of its potential. - R.D. Laing

* Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home. - Bill Cosby, Fatherhood, 1986

* It is one thing to show your child the way, and a harder thing to then stand out of it. - Robert Brault

School yard games by geishaboy500 @ flickr

Serious Quotes:

* Whenever I held my newborn baby in my arms, I used to think that what I said and did to him could have an influence not only on him but on all whom he met, not only for a day or a month or a year, but for all eternity - a very challenging and exciting thought for a mother. - Rose Kennedy (talk about using your intent to accomplish big things in the world!)

* Always kiss your children goodnight - even if they're already asleep. - H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

* When you have brought up kids, there are memories you store directly in your tear ducts. - Robert Brault

* To bring up a child in the way he should go, travel that way yourself once in a while. - Josh Billings

* There comes a time when a woman needs to stop thinking about her looks and focus her energies on raising her children. This time comes at the moment of conception. A child needs a role model, not a supermodel. - Astrid Alauda, on the "hot mom" trend

* Your children need your presence more than your presents. - Jesse Jackson

* It's not only children who grow. Parents do too. As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours. I can't tell my children to reach for the sun. All I can do is reach for it, myself. - Joyce Maynard

* It behooves a father to be blameless if he expects his child to be. - Homer

* Diogenes struck the father when the son swore. - Robert Burton, "Anatomy of Melancholy," Democritus to the Reader, 1621

* If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders. - Abigail Van Buren

Scream and shout by mdanys @ flickr

* If there is anything that we wish to change in the child, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could better be changed in ourselves. - C.G. Jung, Integration of the Personality, 1939

* Don't handicap your children by making their lives (too)easy (they are not challenged to solve their own problems on a daily basis). - Robert A. Heinlein

* Too often we give children answers to remember rather than problems to solve. - Roger Lewin

* Children have more need of models than of critics. - Carolyn Coats, Things Your Dad Always Told You But You Didn't Want to Hear

* There are two lasting bequests we can give our children. One is roots. The other is wings. - Hodding Carter, Jr.

* A parent's love is whole no matter how many times divided. - Robert Brault

* Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children. - Charles R. Swindoll, The Strong Family

* How pleasant it is for a father to sit at his child's board. It is like an aged man reclining under the shadow of an oak which he has planted. - Walter Scott

* What a child doesn't receive he can seldom later give. - P.D. James, Time to Be in Earnest (which might explain the psychopaths in America to the tune of 25% of our population)

Kids in a water puddle by K. Kendall @ flickr

* If your children spend most of their time in other people's houses, you're lucky; if they all congregate at your house, you're blessed. - Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

* If you want your children to improve, let them overhear the nice things you say about them to others. - Haim Ginott (so true!)

* Give me the life of the boy whose mother is nurse, seamstress, washerwoman, cook, teacher, angel, and saint, all in one, and whose father is guide, exemplar, and friend. No servants to come between. These are the boys who are born to the best fortune. - Andrew Carnegie (this really gives you pause to realize how much kids are watching and learning by what you do every day all day)

* Kids spell love: T-I-M-E. - John Crudele

* You have a lifetime to work, but children are only young once. - Polish Proverb

* The guys who fear becoming fathers don't understand that fathering is not something perfect men do, but something that perfects the man. The end product of child raising is not the child but the parent. - Frank Pittman, Man Enough

* The child supplies the power but the parents have to do the steering. - Benjamin Spock, Dr. Spock's Baby and Child Care

* The hardest part of raising a child is teaching them to ride bicycles. A shaky child on a bicycle for the first time needs both support and freedom. The realization that this is what the child will always need can hit hard. - Sloan Wilson

* What's done to children, they will do to society. - Karl Menninger

* Most American children suffer too much mother and too little father. - Gloria Steinem, New York Times, 26 August 1971

Photo by Vince Alongi @ flickr

* Good, honest, hardheaded character is a function of the home. If the proper seed is sown there and properly nourished for a few years, it will not be easy for that plant to be uprooted. - George A. Dorsey

* Conspicuously absent from the Ten Commandments is any obligation of parent to child. We must suppose that God felt it unnecessary to command by law what He had ensured by love. - Robert Brault

* Character is largely caught, and the father and the home should be the great sources of character infection. - Frank H. Cheley

* When you teach your son, you teach your son's son. - The Talmud

* There are no illegitimate children - only illegitimate parents. - Leon R. Yankwich

* In bringing up children, spend on them half as much money and twice as much time. - Anonymous

* Conscience is less an inner voice than the memory of a mother's glance. - Robert Brault

*** And for another dose of fun be sure to visit:

Funny Mothers Day Quotes and Trivia - Cheeky Quote Day 28 Apr 2010 - Includes links to these posts too:

Funny Mothers Day Jokes and Cartoon: Parent Poetry

Obnoxious Silly Mother in Law Jokes Just in Time 4 Mothers Day

Very Funny Mothers Day Quotes

Cartoonists Latest Funnies 4 Mothers Day

Mothers Day Quote: The Funny Stages of Motherhood

Umbrellas in the rain with mom by 1Happysnapper (photography) @ flickr

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