03 May 2010

Roundup of Late Night Funnies - 3 May 2010

Photo by nao-cha @ flickr

From Denny: Since I live on the Gulf Coast and in the state of Louisiana, I've been watching this BP oil spill closely. Only Colbert can capture how we really feel about this Big Business billion dollar mess that usually ends up on the doorstep of the local taxpayers in Louisiana.

Right now BP and Prez Obama are claiming BP will pay for the clean-up and huge economic impact. Yeah? Prove it. Already BP is starting to "crawfish" (in Louisiana parlance that means to back up on your word or action) I guarantee when the cameras lights are turned off and the media goes home and the story is no longer prominent, it's Louisiana taxpayers who end up footing the bill.

In other funny and strange news, former President Bush announced his new book coming out in November. It's May - so why do we need to be forewarned...? Everyone in America rolled their eyes at this news.

We all know what's really going on here. Here's the deal: Karl Rove went to Laura and George Bush and said, "Look, we have to get the Republicans back into power so I wrote a book for each of you."

"Oh, you did? Uh, why?" both Bushes reply.

"Just sign on the dotted line," says Rove, in a hurry to run back to his propaganda factory. "You will be well compensated for your lies. Just make sure you claim you were on board all along and authored the books."

"Works for me," says George, "always glad to make money off people crazy enough to believe those lies. I lied my a$$ off for eight years. Might as well keep the tradition going." He grins.

Meanwhile, get a chuckle from Colbert's view about the oil slick:

Video: Colbert on Gulf Coast oil spill by British Petroleum

From Jay Leno:

And because of that big oil rig fire down there in the Gulf of Mexico, it's now leaking oil into the gulf at a rate of 210,000 gallons of oil a day. That is the equivalent of 10 buckets of fried chicken.

And the White House's top budget director — a man named Peter Orszag — warned that out-of-control deficits will mortgage our future to foreign creditors. Now, of course, people were stunned when they heard this. 'What? The White House has a budget director? Where has he been?'

And the world-renowned physicist, Stephen Hawking, you know that guy? He says in his documentary, aliens do exist, but he says it's best we do not try to interact with them. In fact, he's against giving them driver's licenses.

Well, as you know, Arizona has passed the strictest immigration law in the country, and in response, the mayor of San Francisco is pushing for a boycott of the state of Arizona. This could be devastating to gay rodeos.

They're not the only ones boycotting. Today, Mexican gangs are threatening to cut off the state's drug supply.

And we have Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger here tonight. In fact, in a week from now, he'll issue his annual Cinco de Mayo message. Well, see, that shows you how different California is. An Austrian governor who speaks English with a German accent congratulating Spanish-speaking people before they drive their Japanese cars to work in a factory owned by the Chinese.

Publishers announced that former President George Bush's book will be released Nov. 9. The book is called 'Decision Points.' The title is based on the fact whenever a decision needed to be made, Bush would point to Cheney.

Arizona has passed the strictest immigration bill in American history. A hundred people have been stopped already — and that was just in one van.

Congress has voted against giving itself a pay raise. They thought giving themselves a pay raise now would be unpopular. I think giving them any pay at all right now is unpopular.

President Obama's National Security Adviser James L. Jones apologized for telling an ethnic joke at a speech. Political insiders were shocked — someone said something stupid and inappropriate and it wasn't Joe Biden?

An oil slick the size of Rhode Island is making its way across the Gulf of Mexico. An oil slick the size of Rhode Island — isn't that called New Jersey?

The famous scientist Stephen Hawking says in a new documentary not only does he believe aliens exist, he believes we should not make contact with aliens because they could be very angry beings, especially aliens from Arizona.

As you know, Arizona recently passed the toughest anti-immigration bill in American history. The idea behind this bill is to drive illegal immigrants out of Arizona and back to their homeland of Los Angeles.

I called the governor's office in Arizona today, and the recorded message said press one for English, press two for English, press three for English.

This new law is pretty strict. You can't use the slogan 'what can brown do for you?' anymore. Can't even use that.

Ironically, after they passed this new law, you know how they celebrated at the statehouse? Shots of tequila.

The top executive of Goldman Sachs testified before Congress today, which proves crooks always return to the scene of the crime.

So today you had lawyers, congressmen and bankers in the same room. That's like the trifecta of lying.

And the cover story of this week's Newsweek magazine is about Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and how President Obama sends her out to crack down on misbehaving world leaders. Gee, I wonder where she learned to do that?

President Obama is now considering giving approval for the development of a hyper-supersonic missile that can reach anywhere in the world in an hour. It's a joint venture between the U.S. military and Domino's Pizza.

Well, it was an announced today that President Bush's book will be released Nov. 9. The book will be called 'Decision Points.' It will be centered on 14 decisions President Bush made during his presidency. See, this should silence the critics who claim Dick Cheney made all of the decisions. This book will prove Bush made at least 14 of them.

Last week, President Obama gave a speech in New York City about his plan to reform these rules on Wall Street, you know? And one embarrassing moment. When the head of Goldman Sachs was going through security, he was asked to empty his pockets and five Republican senators fell out.

You probably heard about this. Both President Obama and Vice President Joe Biden took some heat for flying separately to New York City last week because it was Earth Day, and they got heat for flying on two separate planes. Though in fairness, they can't fly together because of security reasons. Or at least that's what Obama told Biden.

And the state of Arizona, has a new slogan: 'get out.'

Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer signed the nation's toughest anti-immigration bill into law. It's unbelievable. It makes it a crime as a state law to be in the country illegally. It lets police question anyone about their status. You know what this means? Rich people in Arizona may have to start raising their own children now.

It's an unbelievable law. And it's already starting to backfire. Today, a group of Native Americans pulled over a bunch of white guys and said, 'Let's see your papers.'

The U.S. Treasury unveiled the new version of the $100 bill last week. They needed to come out with a new one because, apparently, China has all the old ones.

China is now considering easing up on that policy one-child-per-family law they have down there. For years, they have only allowed one child per household. Now, a factory — well that can have as many children as they need.

During the economic meltdown, employees at the SEC were using government computers to watch pornography. Ironically, while they were watching porn, the other employees were watching Goldman Sachs screw the entire country.

One SEC employee spent up to eight hours a day looking at porn. And the worst part is, he billed them for 10 hours.

President Obama gave a speech in New York about his plans to reform the rules for Wall St. A lot of Wall St. executives were shaking in their boots when the president showed up. The bad news is, they were $800 Italian leather boots that were bought with our bailout money.

Jon Stewart lampoons the controversial and odd Arizona new immigration law:

Video: Jon Stewart Lampoons Arizona Immigration Law

From David Letterman:

There's a show on CBS called 'The Mentalist.' It's about a detective with heightened powers of observation. Let me give you an example of how good this guy is. This guy is so good, he can tell the difference between a Goldman Sachs executive that is a lying crook and a Goldman Sachs executive that's a lying weasel. He's that good.

Former President George Bush is writing his memoir, and his wife, Laura Bush, also writing a book called, I believe, 'From the Heart.' And she talks about one time she and her husband, she believes when they were at a summit meeting in Germany, they were actually poisoned. That's German food for you.

David Letterman's "Top Ten Other Revelations in the Laura Bush Book"

10. Keeps slim by wrasslin' gators.
9. As a little girl, dreamed of one day marrying America's worst President.
8. Required extra staffers to cut up President's pretzels.
7. Thought she was marrying Jeb.
6. That poisoning incident? Turns out George ate a Duraflame log.
5. George still works on his cheerleading routines.
4. At their house, it's always happy hour!
3. George loves M&Ms because he thinks they have Dubyas on ‘em.
2. George W. Bush is so dumb, he once got tangled in a cordless phone.
1. Keeps the ‘Mission Accomplished' banner above the bed.

George W. Bush's memoir is coming out in November. It's called 'Decision Points' and it's about big decisions in his life. I've already made a decision not to read it.

Bush is working very hard on the book, making revisions. In fact, his computer screen is covered with White-Out.

They asked him if he used a ghostwriter and he said, 'No, the guy's still alive.'

How many people are here just because you're hiding from the Arizona police?

David Letterman's "Top Ten Signs Your Governor Is Nuts"

10. Signs a bill outlawing illegal immigration, and also legal immigration
9. Keeps a tip jar on the desk
8. Claims to be governor of Margaritaville
7. After meeting with Schwarzenegger, raves, 'This guy is a genius!'
6. Last-minute iPhone calls to commute death sentences fail because he's using AT&T
5. Signs all legislation with his tongue
4. Just ordered the deportation of guys named Scott or Todd
3. Thinks Ricky Martin just needs to find the right girl
2. Used immigration bill to kick George Lopez out of his time slot
1. Even Rod Blagojevich thinks the dude is crooked

Anybody here from Arizona? They have that new tough immigration law, and they say now because they're getting a lot of reaction, they're saying it isn't targeted to Mexicans. The immigration law, they said, is not about keeping Mexicans south of the border. As a matter of fact, they had a crew out today of government agents looking for Dutch people.

Senator John McCain supported Arizona's new immigration bill. John McCain, also an immigrant. He came over on the Mayflower.

Here, this is good. Going to be ready for you in November. Going to be in bookstores in November. It's George W. Bush's memoir. It's about 14 key decisions that George W. Bush made in his life. For example, his decision to move Jay to 10 p.m. is covered in the book.

The book will be ready in November. Bush is making last-minute revisions right now. As a matter of fact, his computer screen is covered with whiteout.

And the publisher says that the book contains quite a discussion about all of the mistakes that he made and all of the problems and all of the trouble that he caused. Boy, that will be a long book.

And his wife, Laura Bush, also has written a book. They're going to be published at the same time. Both have memoirs. Her story and his story. I was thinking, well, whose book would you rather read? The one by the librarian or the one by the guy who choked on a pretzel?

David Letterman's Top Ten Thoughts That Went Through George W. Bush's Mind As He Wrote His Memoirs

10. 'What's a memoir?'
9. 'Is 36 pages enough?'
8. 'You know who was a great band? Foghat!'
7. 'Taco break!'
6. 'How cool is it that I was president? Come on, up high!'
5. 'Jerky break!'
4. 'Chapter Eight: The day I went 5-for-5 in White House T-ball. And no gimmies. All ropes!'
3. 'What? Ricky Martin's gay?'
2. 'Do you spell nucular with 2 'o's or an 'ew'?'
1. 'Shouldn't Cheney be the one writing this?'

From Jimmy Fallon:

A man on a Delta flight from Paris to Atlanta claimed he had explosives in his luggage. Officials told the man it was a federal offense, while Delta told him he'd have to pay an extra $15 per carry-on bomb.

During a Goldman Sachs hearing yesterday, Sen. Carl Levin used the S-word 11 times on live television when quoting an e-mail. Which begs the question — if a guy swears on C-SPAN and there's no one watching to hear it, does he really make a sound?

Rolls-Royce is offering the Pentagon a special deal on engines for the Joint Strike Fighter jet. Not to be outdone, Toyota is offering a special deal on engines for kamikaze pilots.

After meeting with his deficit commission today, President Obama said that it's a lot easier to spend a dollar than it is to save one. Even the deficit commission was like, 'Who invited grandpa?'

George W. Bush's memoir is coming out Nov. 9. On the cover, Bush is wearing a dark suit and holding a briefing book with his head slightly turned from the camera, or as Bush calls it, 'posing all serious-like.'

Actually, the book is called 'Decision Points,' and 1,000 signed, cloth-bound copies will be sold for $350 each. Each one will say: 'Thanks for reading about my decisions. Sincerely, Dick Cheney.'

Bush's memoir is going to be titled 'Decision Points.' That sounds like the reward system that was used to get Bush to do things when he was in office, doesn't it? 'So, if I sign that paper with the law on it, how many decision points do I get? Like, five decision points, six? Last Wednesday, I got a silver star and a smiley face.'

President Obama met with the Yankees to congratulate them on their World Series win. The New York Yankees' Derek Jeter said, 'You never get tired of meeting the president.' And then John McCain said, 'I'm pretty much over it.'

From Jimmy Kimmel:

Gov. Rick Perry of Texas shot a coyote while he was jogging. Who carries a gun while jogging? I can barely manage my iPod.

I like the idea of runners carrying guns. Think of how interesting the Boston Marathon will be.

The International Olympic Committee stripped China of its bronze medal in the women's team gymnastics event from the 2000 Olympics because they fielded an underage athlete. Ten years later, when she still hadn't finished high school, they figured it out.

Stephen Hawking says he does believe in aliens but we shouldn't try to contact them. I want nothing to do with aliens — I'm fine with Canadians though.

The Senate held hearings on what role Goldman Sachs played in the mortgage meltdown of 2008. They allegedly sold bad mortgages to their clients and then bet against them to make profits for themselves. I think that’s what the 'American Idol' judges are doing to us this season with these crappy singers.

Former President George W. Bush is working on his memoirs. I'm excited just to hear him pronounce the word 'memoirs.'

The title of Bush's memoir is 'Decision Points." It narrowly edged out his original title, which was 'My Bad.'

Crown Publishing has given a November release date for what they're saying is an incredibly honest account of key decision in the President's life. There's a whole chapter dedicated to smooth vs. crunchy.

Is it really a good thing for President Bush to remind us of the decisions he made? I would have just let people forget.

He's even working on his follow-up to Decision Points, which is supposed to be released next year – it's called Decision Pants. It's about all the tough decision he's faced with every morning when he puts his clothes on.

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