31 May 2010

Funny Late Night Comedy Roundup - 31 May 2010

*** Feeling stressed or bored? Check out some funny political cartoons, funny Colbert videos and a roundup of funny jokes from the late night comics this week.

From Denny: And we are sending in the air troops to spy on BP in the Gulf to report back to the President about their latest weasel lies of what they claim to be doing and aren't. Lady Karma can be a real bitch for multi-national company CEOs like BP's Tony Hayward. Guess he will have to forego his lucrative bonus this quarter. The word is from Huffington Post that BP is losing billions of dollars every week.

Awwww... everyone raise their hand who feels sorry for little Tony who "wants his life back." Uh, yeah, and so do several thousand other people on the Gulf Coast from Louisiana to Mississippi to Alabama to Florida. And the rest of the nation is also thrilled Hayward is so sensitive to the environment, the once pristine beaches, the great vacation spots formerly known as beautiful and clean.

The continued insensitivity of Hayward is astounding. Today he tried to say it was not his toxic banned-in-the-UK-for-10-years dispersant that caused sudden onset of serious respiratory illnesses in thousands of clean up workers. He blamed it on food poisoning. This guy is one cold hearted rat bastard.

The reality is from the oil industry is that oil relief wells generally take 10 months to complete. And that's without facing down a predicted violent hurricane season in the Gulf. There are seven hurricanes predicted to be a category three or greater - like the one that hit and drowned New Orleans.

The other ugly reality is that as this well continues to gush oil there is only so much space in the Gulf before the currents begin taking it up the Eastern seaboard and destroy oyster beds and fishing on the Atlantic Coast. That same current goes over to Britain and the European coast. If this thing goes on long enough we could have one very sick and dying ocean.

Again, Mr. President, why are the Super Tankers not out in the Gulf sucking up the oil as it gushes out of the ocean floor? There is no reason for clean up on a smaller scale as you have been doing. Get BP a minder, like Shell Oil, to instruct and watch over their shoulders as they work - and make BP pay for it. BP has hundreds of safety violations compared to a handful for other oil companies. Clearly, they are reckless cowboys.

While it's great you have moved to criminal prosecution this will not quell the anger on the Gulf Coast. What we want is a huge clean up operation far beyond what is going on right now. Get serious about freezing at least $15 billion of BP's assets before they decide to move their monies or go into bankruptcy. Do not delay or poke your head into the sand. If you ignore the obvious then Lady Karma will only kick you in your assets and the American public will hang you out to dry.

Fortunately, during this wait-and-see-what-the-business-and-political-idiots-will-try-next-time, there is good ol' Colbert and his wonderful mock 'em all sense of humor. Check out his funny video clips and what the late night comics have to say about the state of America and the world. We all know you will remember this better than any facts in a history book.

Funny videos from Colbert:

Funny Video: Colbert Gives Domino Pizza Alpha Dog Award

Funny Video: Colbert Mocks Surburban Backyard Clothesline Terrorist

Funny Video: Colberts ThreatDown of Food Police, Jazz Robots, Pretty Girls

From Jay Leno:

Well, folks, here's the latest update. I guess this is good news. BP officials say the 'top kill' plan is working. The bad news — BP officials are a bunch of lying weasels.

British Petroleum is still trying to minimize the PR damage. You know what they said today? They said all the oil that spilled this month is on the house. No charge.

Obama looked pretty mad, if you watched his press conference today. President Obama said the head the Federal agency in charge of regulating the oil company is no longer there, but he didn't know if she resigned or if she was fired. Didn't know if she resigned or was fired. I got a better idea. How about arrested? Let's try that.

"Earlier today, British Petroleum began this operation known as 'top kill,' which comes on the heels of their previous operations, 'fish kill' and 'bird kill.'" –Jay Leno

And now, here's something that's going to get a lot of people upset. It turns out according to a report by the Interior Department Inspector General, employees of the Federal agency that inspects these offshore oil rigs accepted gifts from the oil companies. And you know who arranged the payoffs? Fergie.

According to a White House report, President Obama becoming more and more frustrated by this whole oil leak thing. He lost his temper today. He reportedly yelled at people, 'Plug the damn hole!' That's the same thing he says whenever Joe Biden starts talking.

President Obama announced yesterday he plans to send 1,200 troops to the U.S.-Mexican border. You know who we should hire to protect our border? It's so simple. Mexicans. They want jobs, they're there already.

Hey, today is National Tap Dancing Day. Yes, this is the day we honor BP executives trying to explain the gulf oil disaster.

One of the big gambling Web sites published odds on what species would be the first to become extinct from the oil spill. Unbelievable. You know the odds-on favorite? Democrat.

Sarah Palin has now weighed in on the gulf oil spill. Finally, the voice of reason. She said that President Obama should grasp the complexity of the situation. Sarah Palin giving advice on complexity. What, was Snooki from 'Jersey Shore' unavailable?

Oh man, and the stock market. Another bad day. The market is so bad, BP had to lay off 15 senators.

In Idaho, Republican Congressional candidate Vaughn Ward is in trouble after he was caught plagiarizing a famous speech by Barack Obama. When they asked this guy if he thought he could get away with this, you know what he said? 'Yes, we can! Yes, we can! Yes, we can!'

And over the weekend, at the Shanghai World Expo, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton passed out teddy bears to Chinese children. The kids politely accepted the bears even though, you know, they made them.

Well, folks, it seems that oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, much worse than British Petroleum first reported. You know how bad it is? Yesterday, I checked the oil in my car, had seawater on it.

And because of the ocean currents, experts say oil from the Gulf could easily spread up the East Coast all the way to the Carolinas. In fact, today, people in North Carolina said they hadn't seen anything this slick and slimy since the John Edwards campaign.

And last week, Mexican President Felipe Calderóne spoke at the White House. He called for a ban on assault weapons, and he also wanted to know why do we keep calling Taco Bell Mexican food?

Calderóne also lashed out against Arizona's new immigration law. To give you an idea of how serious he is, he is calling for Mexicans to boycott sneaking into this country until that law is repealed.

At the White House, speaking last week, a rodent ran in front of President Obama as he stood at the podium. In fact, the rat was picked up on the microphone going, 'How do I get off this sinking ship?'

Another bad day for the stock market. The stock market is bad. It's so bad, for a lot of brokers now, there's a half-hour waiting line to get on the ledge.

Oh, and scientists in Maryland say they have created the first ever synthetic cell. They say their goal is to create a life form that can withstand lead products from China, volcanic ash from Iceland and contaminated water from the Gulf of Mexico.

And a Montana man has admitted that he killed a bald eagle, but his alibi is he thought it was a porcupine. How blind do you have to be to mistake a bald eagle for a porcupine? Anyway, the guy pleaded guilty so he could get back to his regular job inspecting oil rigs.

BP is saying that the oil leak is bigger than they estimated. In a related story, the executives at BP are far bigger idiots than we estimated.

A very embarrassing moment for Connecticut Attorney General Richard Blumenthal, who was running for the Senate. He's the guy who lied about his war record. He was overheard telling his wife, 'After the campaign, let's take a vacation and go somewhere I've never been.' She said, 'How about Vietnam?'

A family values conservative Republican from Indiana, Mark Souder, has admitted to having an affair with a woman on his staff. Apparently Souder would take this woman to remote locations inside state parks and have sex with her. See, this is what Republicans mean when they talk about opening up our public lands for drilling.

Lakers Coach Phil Jackson is coming under fire for some comments he made in support of Arizona's immigration law. He's a basketball coach. He can take a tough stand on immigration. Try doing that with a baseball team. There wouldn't be anybody left.

There was a big state dinner at the White House last night in honor of Mexican President Felipe Calderón. The Mexican president pointed out that he and President Obama have a lot in common. He said they are both presidents of two beautiful countries, they're both left-handed, and they both preside over 40 million Mexican people.

The U.S. Navy announced this week they are now using sea lions to fight terrorism. They did a drill this week where they hid a bomb underwater. A trained sea lion found the bomb in less than a minute. The bad news? He then balanced the bomb on his nose, threw it back at the trainer.

In Supreme Court news, the Elena Kagan confirmation hearings will begin around June 28. I guess they have to wait until softball season's over.

And in Connecticut, Attorney General Dick Blumenthal's campaign is now saying there are only four times that Blumenthal said he served in Vietnam when he really didn't. That's what politics has come down to now, when your campaign slogan is, 'I only lied four times.'

Blumenthal said he is not apologizing for misleading people about his war record. He said all he did was use the word 'in' instead of the word 'during.' He insists he just 'misspoke.' You know, like using the word 'misspoke' instead of the word 'lying.'

From David Letterman:

Well, Memorial Day weekend is ahead. I know it's only Wednesday, but you want to get a jump on being stuck at the airport for 24 hours.

Memorial Day is the day we honor military heroes with a mattress blowout sale at Sleepy's.

Ladies and gentlemen, this week is the 25th anniversary of Fleet Week, which is early this year, because the people in the Navy and the Coast Guard all wanted to get to the harbor before the oil slick did.

You starting to get sick about the economy again? I was talking to my broker today. And he said: 'Don't worry. Everything's going to be fine.' Then the prison guards took him away.

This is the end of the big TV viewing season. For example, 'Lost,' that's gone. 'Law & Order,' wrapping it up. Also say goodbye to the Gulf of Mexico.

British Petroleum is now saying the oil spill was caused by a bad underwater cement job. You don't have that problem with the mob.

John McCain is angry with British Petroleum. But in all fairness, he's had a grudge against the British since the Revolutionary War.

Elena Kagan is the new Supreme Court nominee. If she's not confirmed, she is a Mets fan, so she's used to disappointment.

From Jimmy Kimmel:

President Obama's big financial reform bill passed. From now on, bankers will be required to dress like robbers.

They put a cap on ATM transaction fees, though a lot of the senators didn't want to discuss it because they've never used an ATM. The Senate has mobile cash machines — they're called 'lobbyists.'

From Jimmy Fallon:

A new poll found that 43 percent of Americans think President Obama is doing a good job at handling the BP oil spill. Of course, the same poll found that 43 percent of Americans hate pelicans.

And today at a press conference, Obama said that the government does not have better technology than BP. That's a nice thing to announce to the world, that our government has fewer resources than a company that tried to plug a hole with a 'top hat.'

In fact, President Obama fired the head of the Mineral Management Services, because of lack of oversight of offshore oil rigs. It's got to be tough finding another job after that. It's like, 'I see you were head of the department in charge of preventing oil spills? And this was during the huge oil spill?' 'Yeah, that's right.' 'You may not be Wendy's material.'

Last night was the finale of 'Dancing With the Stars' and Kate Gosselin made an appearance. I don't want to say it was bad, but this morning, the Pakistani Taliban took credit for it.

BP wants Twitter to shut down a fake BP account that is mocking the oil company. In response, Twitter wants BP to shut down the oil leak that's ruining the ocean.

The White House is backing a new plan to repeal 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell.' They want to relax the harsh standard and implement their new policy, 'Just Try To Not Make It Super Obvious.'

BP said today that in the worst-case scenario, it would take until August to clean up the Gulf Coast. That's not so bad. I mean, who goes in the ocean during the summer anyway?

Octomom Nadya Suleman has a PETA sign in her front yard that encourages people to have their pets spayed or neutered. Isn't that kind of like BP putting out a sign that says 'Don't pee in the pool?'

I heard that Paul McCartney invited the Jonas Brothers to his tribute at the White House next Wednesday because he thinks of them as the next Beatles. The Jonases were like, 'Oh, man, that is so nice of you — who are the Beatles?'

It's pretty hard for fans of 'Lost' now that it's finally over. If people want to get their fix, they'll have to follow that other group that's lost and confused in the middle of the ocean. You know, BP.

Fox News is launching a Web site this fall aimed at the Latino population. Latinos were like, 'Wait, what is Fox News aiming at?'

On Saturday, Hillary Clinton passed out teddy bears to children in China. That was a nice break for the children from their job of making teddy bears.

From Bill Maher:

How to describe Rand Paul? I mean, he's a doctor. It's as if Sarah Palin somehow made it through medical school. –Bill Maher, on Kentucky Senate candidate and Tea Party hero Rand Paul

He's an ophthalmologist, he does a lot of lasik surgery, and he has a lot of interesting points of view. Like he thinks Obama, because he went to Copenhagen where they were talking about global warming, is apologizing for the industrial revolution. He's against the Americans With Disabilities Act. He says restaurants should be able to refuse service to black people. And today, he said Obama was un-American for getting on BP's case for the oil spill. I tell you, the s**t doesn't fall far from the bat. –Bill Maher, on Rand Paul, son of Rep. Ron Paul

Every time this guy opens his mouth, it gets a little crazier. Today he angrily demanded that the liberal media stop quoting him in context.

I guess he's trying to get the press to get off the racism thing, so his big thing today was that the oil spill in the Gulf was the blame game. He said, 'Sometimes accidents happen.' Which is not really what you want to hear from the guy who's doing your lasik surgery.

Good news in the oil situation. BP said they found a way to start breaking up their oil slick. The bad news is it involves a toxic chemical called Corexit 9527A. Apparently this is moving us further from a solution and closer to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Sunday, listen to this, they’re going to try something new. They're going to try what they call a 'top kill.' That's where they shove a fluid that looks a lot like mud down into the well. I hope this works because the next idea involves Bruce Willis and an asteroid.

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