26 May 2010

BP Oil Spill Funny Quotes and Jokes: Cheeky Quote Day - 26 May 2010

And from a Louisiana blogger it has been decided
the Bozo Sapien Award goes to first place clown BP for the environmental disaster of the millennium... Photo by I'm Fantastic @ flickr

*** Collected here, from the past month since the oil spill began in April, are all the late night jokes about the BP oil spill, local Louisiana jokes and links to posts with funny videos and political cartoons scorching BP for this environmental mess.

From Denny: And the Louisiana joke of the day is two pelicans, drenched in oil, are sitting in the shallow marshes having an early morning conversation. The local shrimpers, their boats chugging through the oil slick, said they overheard one bird say, "Look on the bright side of our environmental disaster. The way global warming is heating up it will eventually raise the sea level so high that it will cover up this whole mess." - riffed off cartoonist Bruce Beattie of the Daytona Beach News-Journal in Florida

And the other Louisiana joke of the day that comes to mind is a new Louisiana tourism sign on the Nightly News that reads: "Get free gas. Come to Louisiana. Park on shore. Wait for it. Wait for it. Dip your gas siphon into the next tide as the free oil rolls into shore. Have a great day and thank you for visiting Louisiana." - Denny Lyon

These are also the latest political cartoons about the BP oil spill released this week from beloved cartoonists all over the world who are following this news. Thanks, guys!

From Jay Leno:

And because of that big oil rig fire down there in the Gulf of Mexico, it's now leaking oil into the gulf at a rate of 210,000 gallons of oil a day. That is the equivalent of 10 buckets of fried chicken.

An oil slick the size of Rhode Island is making its way across the Gulf of Mexico. An oil slick the size of Rhode Island — isn't that called New Jersey?

On Monday, British Petroleum promised to pay all necessary cleanup costs for this oil spill. And they said they will do it, no matter how much they have to raise gas prices.

Well, here's something kind of embarrassing. The government has called off the Safety Awards for Excellence ceremony that was supposed to take place this week, in honor of outstanding safety and pollution prevention. And British Petroleum, the one that was responsible for the big oil spill in the Gulf, was one of the three finalists for the award. I believe the other two were China and the volcano in Iceland.

And the oil from that oil rig that exploded in the Gulf of Mexico spewing five times as much oil as first was estimated. When former President George W. Bush heard about this, he said: 'Wait a minute. You mean we have oil here?'

Today, British Petroleum said they're doing everything they can to control this leak. Really? Two hundred thousand gallons? That's a leak? The pipe under my bathroom. That's a leak, O.K.? This is a gusher.

And the environmental impact from this is unbelievable. They say a lot of birds are trying to leave the area. And, today, Arizona issued a warning — any birds flying in from out of state will be stopped and arrested.

According to the top people in the petroleum industry, the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico will not affect gas prices. They said, 'They were going up anyway.'

According to a recent survey, one in eight people say they will not buy gas from BP anymore. Unless, of course, it's cheaper than the station across the street.

Tar balls have started washing ashore in Louisiana. Meanwhile, the slime balls that started the whole thing are still in Washington.

BP, Transocean and Halliburton are blaming each other for the Gulf of Mexico oil spill. They are all right.

These people make Goldman Sachs look responsible, don't they?

BP is going to try to stop the leak by pushing garbage into it. Oh, yeah, they haven't screwed up the gulf enough, let's fill it with garbage, too.

Well, the latest plan was to cover the leak with another concrete dome, a smaller one called a top hat. Who came up with this idea, Mr. Moneybags, from the Monopoly game? What's next, the giant thimble?

Hey, here's some good news. The price of oil has dropped by $12 a barrel. I mean, why buy it when you can just scoop it out of the water, huh?

Oh, speaking of that. If anybody needs a 100-ton concrete containment dome, there's one on eBay for 75 bucks.

Actually, you know, that stupid idea about using a giant concrete dome and putting it over the leak, well, that didn't work. In fact, experts are calling this the worst use of a concrete dome since they built that stadium for the Detroit Lions.

Now they're talking about trying to clog the leak up with garbage, like tires and golf balls. You know, where are the OxiClean people? Why don't we bring them down? Why not use the miracle cleaning power of oranges? Where are those people? Let's get the experts in here.

The three companies involved in the oil spill are Transocean, BP and Halliburton. They're all blaming the other guy. I was stunned. Oil company executives passing the buck. It was just shocking.

Congress told BP they can't label this catastrophic failure as an unpredictable and unforeseeable occurrence. See, Congress used that excuse for not catching the financial meltdown, so now they have to come up with their own excuse.

British Petroleum said today that if this spill gets worse, they may soon have to start drilling for water.

I love this. On the news today, the CEO of British Petroleum says he believes the overall environmental impact of this oil spill will be very, very modest. Yeah. If you live in England!

BP has inserted a siphon tube into the well to suck up all the oil from the spill. And they've had a lot of experience in this area, by the way. This is the same tube they've been using to suck the money out of our wallets for the past 50 years.

Scientists say they have developed a car that can run on water. The only catch is, the water has to come from the Gulf of Mexico.

British Petroleum is starting to get a little defensive. Have you heard their new slogan? 'Yeah, like you never spilled anything before.'

Well, here's the latest on the Gulf of Mexico oil spill. The chief U.S. oversight official for offshore drilling has now resigned. Ironically — you know how the news got out? It leaked.

Well, there's now concern that the oil in the Gulf could go to the Florida Keys and up the East Coast, which could be really dangerous. Scientists say the cast of 'The Jersey Shore' can only absorb so much oil. They can't get any slimier.

From David Letterman:

You folks been following the big British Petroleum oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? I'm telling you, British Petroleum has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders.

David Letterman's "Top Ten Things Overheard At BP Headquarters"

10. 'Huh?'
9. 'Happy Cinco de Mayo. 'Nother margarita?'
8. 'We got a nice thank you note from the Toyota people'
7. 'Any way we can pin this on the Times Square bomber?'
6. 'We just got a nice thank you note from the Goldman Sachs people.'
5. 'I hope they get Robert Wagner to play me in the TV movie.'
4. 'One day, 10,000 years from now, we'll be able to look back on this and laugh.'
3. 'Let me tell you something, you can't buy this kind of publicity.'
2. 'Tell everybody it's our free oil giveaway bonanza.'
1. 'Everyone gets a bonus.'

This bombing plot here in Times Square is upsetting. Are we more upset about that than the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? Which do we hate worse? I think you've got to go with the oil spill. British petroleum, these boobs running this operation, they said: 'O.K., now wait a minute. It's just going to be a P.R. nightmare. What can we do? We'll give everybody a free tank of gas. All you have to do is drive your car right down next to the Gulf of Mexico.'

But BP plans to pay for the cleanup. Then they're going to ask for the bailout.

But they say the oil spill has the potential to kill more wildlife than a Sarah Palin hunting trip.

So it's British Petroleum, or BP. BP, of course, as in broken pipe.

Anybody from the Gulf of Mexico area? It's going to be the biggest ecological disaster on the history of the planet. And today, a tourist thought they saw a blowfish in the Gulf of Mexico. Turned out to be a flounder holding its breath.

British Petroleum says that they have a plan now to clean up the vast oil spill. You know what it is? Hot tub time machine.

How about that oil spill in the gulf? They were going to put down what they called a containment platform, and they were going to lower it into the gulf. But that didn't work. So now, British Petroleum wants to try something else. It's a smaller containment device called the top hat. They get the top hat on the well, and then they're going to get John Wilkes Booth to shoot at it.

Let me tell you about 'The Late Show.' It's like a car bomb and an oil spill all in one.

Earlier today, the British Petroleum oil executives — the guys responsible for the big oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico — they testified before Congress. This was great. They were criticized by the same guys who approved drilling in the gulf.

But these British Petroleum executives are trying to spin this a little bit. I heard one guy say today that it's a good thing, actually, because now when you open a clam, the hinge doesn't squeak.

This oil spill in the Gulf is affecting everybody. In fact, when I went to lunch this weekend and ordered the sea bass, they asked if I wanted it regular or unleaded.

This is going to be the biggest environmental disaster ever. You know what that means? More bonuses.

Everybody has a different solution for the Gulf oil spill. Why don't they just try jiggling the handle? I went to lunch and had crab cakes. The waiter came over and asked if I wanted leaded or unleaded. The tartar sauce was 80 percent tar.

Have you been following the big oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? Or as we call it now, the Dead Sea.

There is so much oil now in the Gulf of Mexico, and you can thank the folks of British Petroleum for this, so much oil in the Gulf, you can now park on it.

And tar is washing up onto the beaches — big globs of tar. And people are saying, 'Is that going to ruin our summer at the beach?' No, of course not. You take the big blobs of tar and you use them to hold down your blanket.

Have you folks heard about the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? Here's what they're doing now. They got a one-mile-long suction hose. It was flown down to the gulf on Friday by Superman.

And what they're going to do is they're going to suck all of that oil that's leaking into the gulf and pump it up into a tanker. Now the bad news is the tanker is the Exxon Valdez.

From Bill Maher:

Good news in the oil situation. BP said they found a way to start breaking up their oil slick. The bad news is it involves a toxic chemical called Corexit 9527A. Apparently this is moving us further from a solution and closer to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Sunday, listen to this, they’re going to try something new. They're going to try what they call a 'top kill.' That's where they shove a fluid that looks a lot like mud down into the well. I hope this works because the next idea involves Bruce Willis and an asteroid.

From Jimmy Kimmel:

Oil is still leaking off the coast of Louisiana. Lots of oil. BP, the company responsible for it, has a very good plan. BP is hoping to create a giant vinegar spill to turn the Gulf of Mexico into a delicious salad dressing.

Actually, what they're doing is spraying chemicals on the oil to try to disperse it. And some environmentalists say the chemicals pose their own dangers. But the company that makes them points out the active ingredient is the same thing they put in ice cream. BP is trying to get the spill reclassified from disaster to dessert.

The BP oil spill turned a month old today. Unfortunately, it has not been potty trained yet.

In Louisiana, BP claims that it's making progress with the leaking oil in the Gulf. They're working on a plan to heat the Gulf up to 600 degrees and use it to fry chicken.

From Jimmy Fallon:

It's rumored that six pages from the script of the 'Lost' series finale have leaked online. BP executives were like: 'Oh my God! That's definitely the worst leak of all time, right?'

Well, scientists are predicting that the oil from the BP spill will eventually reach the shores of Florida. So if you hated visiting your grandparents before, wait until you're hosing down their oily bodies after a long day at the beach.

Have you guys been following the whole oil disaster? Yesterday, President Obama said: 'Let me be clear. BP is responsible for this leak. BP will be paying the bill.' And BP was like: 'Ah, bailout? Right?'

In a new interview, BP's CEO said that the Gulf Coast oil spill is relatively tiny compared to the 'very big ocean.' That's like telling someone who's just been shot not to worry about the bullet because they're really, really fat.

Funny videos about the BP oil spill:

Funny Video: Jon Stewart Sees BP Fixing Oil Spill with Stupid Anagrams

Funny Video: Colbert On BP Oil Containment - No One Knows What The Flock They're Doing

Funny Video: Stewart Slams Media, BP, And Hypocritical Politicians For Oil Spill Response

Video: Colbert on Gulf Coast oil spill by British Petroleum

Political cartoons about the BP oil spill:

Dark Humor: BP Oil Spill Cartoons - 22 May 2010

BP Oil Spill Funny Political Cartoons - 15 May 2010

Oil Spill Disaster Cartoons - Whats Happening This Week in America - 8 May 2010

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