19 May 2010

Funny Volcano and Weather Quotes - Cheeky Quote Day 19 May 2010

*** Funny volcano and weather quotes, jokes, political cartoons and funny video all designed to make you laugh til your boss fires you for "excessive merriment."

The latest volcano hair style in ash white...

From Denny: While we are all waiting breathlessly for the tacky BP oil spill jokes to emerge, beyond the great political cartoons already posted on this blog, why not indulge the volcano jokes? Iceland has a great sense of humor about impending disaster and the slow burn of economic die-off just like here in south Louisiana. We both seem to have that "gallows humor" going on. If you can't poke fun at yourself and the crazy world we live in where's the fun in life?

Besides, on the serious uptake, laughing takes off the pressure so you can do some serious problem-solving in your life. Someone send all my funny posts and funny blogs to BP because they definitely need something to help them solve the gargantuan problem in the Gulf.

Please attach a cover letter warning them that Congress has amended American law to include lying as an offense punishable by the minimum of 50 years hard labor for each lie. There is no consideration for time served and no cap for the judge's sentencing guidelines, just thought you might like to know that Republican styled "tort reform" tidbit. Each liar is responsible for their own lies, including CEOs, PR agents, lobbyists, politicians and lawyers. Read that as "Do not pass Go - it's straight to jail with you."

Might I also suggest the perfect incarceration arrangements? Louisiana's famous prison called Angola is the maximum security prison of your choice, comprised of many interesting neighborly companions. Yeah, it's no country club and is an outstanding recommendation from the people of the Gulf Coast. Many thanks go to British Petroleum for giving us all much to lampoon. It's not every day you get to "enjoy" your very own environmental disaster in your life time. :)

Cheeky Quote of the day: Don't dance on a volcano. - French Proverb (self-explanatory)

Iceland Volcano Jokes

I see that America has declared war on Iceland. Apparently they are accusing them of harboring a "weapon of ash eruption."

It was the last wish of the Icelandic economy that its ashes be spread over Europe.

Iceland goes bankrupt, then it manages to set itself on fire. This has insurance scam written all over it.

Iceland, we wanted your cash, not your ash.

Waiter, there's volcanic ash in my soup. I know, it's a no-fly zone.

Richard Curtis is working on a new romp-com about people stuck in an airport who fall in love. The working title is "Lava Actually."

Strange Facts About Volcanoes:

The loudest noise ever known was produced by a volcanic eruption at Krakatoa, near Javan, in 1883. The sound was heard in Australia, 5000 km away.

When Laki volcano in Iceland erupted in 1783, its lava flow stretched 65 km, the longest ever recorded.

There are over 500 active volcanoes in the world.

About 20 per cent of all volcanoes are underwater.

About 20 to 30 volcanoes erupt each year, mostly under the sea.

Lava from an erupting volcano may be as hot as 1200 degrees centigrade.

Volcano Quotes

* Don't dance on a volcano. - French Proverb (self-explanatory)

* If your heart is a volcano, how shall you expect flowers to bloom? - Kahlil Gibran

* Volcano: A mountain with hiccups. - Anonymous

* I see the mind of a five year old as a volcano with two vents : destructiveness and creativeness. - Sylvia Warner

* Great acting can be almost a psychotic mix of self-consciousness and unself-consciousness. And that's the terrible conflict. You have to be free to jump off into that volcano and you have to be pathologically self-conscious. - Alec Baldwin, actor

* All civilization has from time to time become a thin crust over a volcano of revolution. - Havelock Ellis

* Zeal is a volcano, the peak of which the grass of indecisiveness does not grow. - Kahlil Gibran (Lebanese born American philosophical Essayist, Novelist and Poet. 1883-1931)

* Desire is storm, greed is whirlpool, pride is precipice, attachment is avalanche, ego is volcano. Discard desire and you are liberated. - Sri Sathya Sai Baba quotes (Indian Spiritual leader, b.1926)

Weather Jokes

From weatherimages.org

The Unemployed Weatherman

Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record of forecasting for the TV news program.

He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year.

That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired. He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job.

One blank on the job application called for the reason for leaving his previous position.

Hopkins wrote, "The climate didn't agree with me."

The Call in the Middle of the Night

A husband and his wife were sound asleep when suddenly the phone rang.

The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? How the heck do I know? What do I look like, a weatherman?" He then slammed the phone down and settled into bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"I don't know. It was some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear."

The Top 15 Odd Side Effects of Hurricanes (as told during the Bush years)

15. Anti-terrorist cruise missile blown off course "just happens" to land on Special Investigator Ken Starr. (the guy who came up with bogus garbage impeachment charges against President Clinton and drug the country through tedious sleaze on the nightly news)

14. Drop in barometric pressure causes unexpected Viagra failure and results in a sudden surge in Trans Am purchases.

13. In Florida, howling of winds drowns out howling from Kennedy Compound.

12. Same $100 million hurricane damage in the Carolinas only costs $23.89 dollars in Alabama.

11. Employees at the Olean factory have no problem with orders to evacuate immediately.

10. Pamela Anderson experiences whiplash as breasts fly in opposite directions.

9. Ultra conservative racist Jesse Helms actually observed leaning slightly to the left.

8. South Carolinians can now projectile-vomit over 430 feet!

7. Drop in barometric pressure causes Girl Scout cookies to swell so large that they're temporarily worth six bucks a box.

6. Inexplicable changes in Al Roker's magnetic field.

5. Sudden shortage of (TV show host of sleaze and violence) Jerry Springer guests, as incest and promiscuity take a back seat to gettin' the ol' trailer right-side up again.

4. Headlines with the word "blow", but no mention whatsoever of a certain unnamed Clinton intern made famous.

3. Pre-storm rush allows supermarkets to finally get rid of old stock of Spam and Zima.

2. Earl the plywood salesman starts tippin' fives at the topless club.
and Number 1 Odd Side Effect of Hurricanes...

1. White House intern/mistress/Secretary of State Rice get time off while President Bush/Clinton/Bush, Sr./Johnson drops his pants and lets nature take its course.

Colbert and Jon Stewart out take video clip that talks a bit about the weather:

The Daily Show With Jon StewartMon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Daily/Colbert - Small Talk
Daily Show Full EpisodesPolitical HumorTea Party

Weather Quotes

* When all is said and done, the weather and love are the two elements about which one can never be sure. - Alice Hoffman

* If you don't like the weather in New England, just wait a few minutes. - Mark Twain

* Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction listen to weather forecasts and economists? - Kelvin Throop III

* No matter how rich you become, how famous or powerful, when you die the size of your funeral will still pretty much depend on the weather. - Michael Pritchard

* Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning. - George Carlin

* Don't knock the weather. If it didn't change once in a while, nine out of ten people couldn't start a conversation. - Kin Hubbard

* A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain. - Robert Frost

* I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining. - Groucho Marx

* Conversation about the weather is the last refuge of the unimaginative. - Oscar Wilde

* When the goose honk high, fair weather; when the goose honks low, foul weather. - Proverb (I'll be sure to keep that in mind the next time those local Canadian geese fly over my house leaving a trail of honking deposits)

* If I'm on the golf course and lightning starts, I get indoors fast. If God wants to play through, let him. - Bob Hope

* Even the weather page is in a state of moral decay. What’s wrong with red, white and blue, USA Today? This rainbow weather map is just another example of the homometerological agenda. - Stephen Colbert

* Weather is a literary specialty, and no untrained hand can turn out a good article on it. - Mark Twain

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