Roundup of Late Night Funnies 11 Jan 2010

From Denny: By now everyone has heard about it - Jay Leno and Conan O'Brien are competing against each other on the same network since Jay didn't do well in the earlier time slot at night. To their credit and personal friendship, these comedians are making light of a really awkward situation.

Love 'em or hate 'em here's the latest political opinions of gaffes from both sides of the aisle:

From Jay Leno:

There's a rumor floating around that we were cancelled. I heard it coming in this morning. So far, nobody's said anything to me. But Kev, if we did get cancelled, give us time to maybe do some traveling. In fact, I understand Fox (Network) is beautiful this time of year.

Actually, I don't think there's any truth to the rumors. See, in my experience, NBC only cancels you when you're in first place. So we're fine.

The annual list of the most admired men in the world came out today. Bill Clinton and Tiger Woods are tied. I wonder what those two would have in common.

An 86-year-old politician in India resigned after a sex tape surfaced showing him in bed with three women. 86 years old, three women. A lot of his constituents are saying it was a stupid idea for him to make the sex tape of himself. But the guy is 86. How else is he going to remember having sex?'

The weather here in California is very nice. But it's freezing all across the United States. In fact, in D.C., the weather is so bad — this is true — they actually hired convicted criminals to shovel snow at the U.S. Capitol. Isn't that amazing? So it's nice to see members of Congress doing something useful for a change.

And yesterday morning in Helsinki, Finland, a train crashed into a Holiday Inn. Here's the odd part. It was an Amtrak train from Connecticut.

On Fox News, Ann Coulter said she's against body scans at the airport because terrorists will still be able to hide explosives in their anus. So, finally, Ann Coulter is speaking on a topic she knows something about.

From Denny: With the Republicans trying to rally the troops these days, they keep up the mantra of how Obama is pulling America away from good values that they all grew up with in their alternate reality. Observe clips of some of the most egregious hypocrites as John Oliver pulls together an amusing "report" on the Republicans' ideal of America from some elusive mythologized intangible era:

John Oliver Searches for Glenn Beck and Bill O'Reilly's Good Old Days

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From David Letterman:

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Cold. Am I right? You know, Rush Limbaugh was ill. And he had to go to the hospital. He had chest pains but he's completely recovered. He'll be back on his job on Wednesday, which is great because the country really can use some hot air now.

How many people flew to get here? I mean, come on, isn't flying more fun than it used to be? I mean, really. They make you take off your shoes, make you take off your underpants. ... I mean you think about the guy, the Nigerian guy, he is going to blow up the thing. He was wearing a pair of Fruit of the Lunatic.

Guy was not too bright. He said that the reason he became a suicide bomber was to work his way up in the al Qaeda organization.

They took the guy to court and the guy said he was charged with having weapons of mass destruction in his pants. And he told the judge, 'Well, I get no complaints from the ladies.'

Do you folks know anything about the Skull And Bones society? It's like a fraternal organization, at Yale University. Well, they're auctioning off a human skull. And I was thinking about this. I believe this is the first empty skull to come out of Yale, well, I think since George W. Bush, actually.

Top Ten Things I've Learned From the Last 20 Years of Television
(as presented by Homer Simpson on the Late Show With David Letterman)

10. Better to be bald than have a hairpiece like Letterman.

9. Do not buy sushi from the Home Shopping Network.

8. Thanks to iTunes, now you can get free TV shows for 99 cents.

7. Widesceen televisions were invented to accommodate Keith Olbermann's enormous head.

6. Sadly, "Cougar Town" is not a show about people getting attacked by giant cats.

5. Sitting close to the TV is a cheap alternative to a tanning salon.

4. No one on Earth is funnier than Howie Mandel.

3. There is no good way to tell your spouse you want to go on "Wife Swap."

2. Ever notice all morning weathermen are as fat as a dump truck?

1. Television is not a vast wasteland, it's a cesspool.

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David Letterman's Top Ten Signs You're At A Bad Airport

10. To check a bag, it's a thousand bucks.

9. Security checkpoint workers encourage you to frisk them.

8. For the kids, a wading pool full of jet fuel.

7. Guy in tower won't say anything but "Niner."

6. All flights depart at the same time.

5. Airport is home to 7 of world's 10 deadliest snakes.

4. Has Hertz Rent-A-Monkey counter.

3. Them: "Where are you traveling?"
You: "San Francisco."
Them: "We'll get you as close as we can."

2. I don't remember planes having to parallel park quite so much.

1. At the duty-free shop you can buy exploding underpants.

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From Jon Stewart:

There is a sex scandal roiling the nation right now. The tale of one man's insatiable sex drive and the beautiful women who succumb to his magnetic machismo. Does it involve ... lusty golfing legend Tiger Woods? Or perhaps it's six-foot, 15-inch and 174-pound bespectacled White House Budget Director Peter Orszag? Oh yeah, baby. The OMB director had a baby with this lady, a beautiful shipping heiress, just weeks before he got engaged to this other beautiful lady, who is a news reporter. I guess 'OMB' stands for the 'Office of Managing the Boo-tay.' Heeey!

I guess the CBO is the 'Congressional Badonkadonk Office.' ... Ladies, put your husbands to bed and hide your ovaries [on screen: footage of Orszag on talk shows]. Maybe you couldn't feel it through the TV screen, but I am telling you! I interviewed this guy. He's got the kavorka.

From Stephen Colbert:

Folks, I fear we are headed back to those dark days between 1972 and 1976 when a liberal Supreme Court outlawed the death penalty just because it was being 'wantonly and freakishly imposed.' Come on! If we outlawed everything that was wanton and freakish, what would happen to Lady Gaga?" – on reports the death penalty is "fading from use."

Night of Terror - The Crapification of the American Pant-Scape:
Airport crotch screening won't be inconvenient for frequent travelers who have a government-issued photo ID of their privates.

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Night of Terror - The Crapification of the American Pant-Scape
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Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor Economy

From Jimmy Fallon:

Hey, a man in Washington, D.C., was apprehended by Secret Service yesterday for taking off his clothes and jogging naked near the White House. In related news, I say that’s probably the last time Biden ever takes Ambien.

The Secret Service was alerted when someone reported a man with a suspiciously shrinking package.

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From Conan O'Brien:

Legal experts are saying, if he's convicted, the underwear bomber could be sentenced to life in Federal prison. But even worse, for the rest of his life, he'll be known as the underwear bomber.

Next week, President Obama will visit the auto show in Detroit and look at cars from the Big Three automakers. Or, as the Big Three automakers put it, 'the new owner is coming for a visit.

Today, President Obama honored more than 80 teachers for excellence in math and science. Then he begged them to leave China and come teach here in the United States.

This is weird. Yesterday, a naked jogger was stopped near the White House. Secret Service grabbed the man and immediately allowed him to attend a state dinner.

President Obama has appointed a transgender woman to a position in the Department of Commerce. You know, in this era of partisan bickering, President Obama deserves a lot of credit for taking a chance on Ann Coulter, I think.

Now, some people are really upset because President Obama has decided to redecorate the Oval Office, and he got rid of former President Bush's bust of Winston Churchill. When he heard about it, Bush was furious and said, 'Winston Churchill? I thought that was Higgins from 'Magnum P.I.'

*** THANKS for visiting and have a great work week!

Roundup of Late Night Funnies 7 Dec 2009

From Denny: I've been laughing today while watching these silly videos on a dreary rainy day in south Louisiana. Enjoy these funny guys so you can get started off right for a great work week! :)

From Jay Leno:

President Obama last night ordered 30,000 more troops in Afghanistan to fight the Taliban, but on an 18-month timetable. In a related story, the Taliban announced they are on a 19-month timetable.

The good news, Obama said he expects to start bringing our troops home in two years. The bad news, Bush said the same thing seven years ago.

President Obama gave his speech last night at West Point. He was going to give it at the White House, but he wanted some place with better security.

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You know what we should do? Get rid of the Secret Service, bring in some nightclub bouncers.

But this is serious, because that couple who crashed the White House state dinner ended up meeting the president. Did you see that? There's a photo of them meeting face-to-face with President Obama, which is amazing when you realize that even Fox News had not met face-to-face with President Obama.

And The Washington Post suggested today that this party-crashing couple may have a long history of deceiving people. Well, no wonder they fit in at the White House.

A group has now filed papers to nominate Dick Cheney to run for president of the United States in 2012. You may have heard of the group, Halliburton.

New reports on Sarah Palin's 'Going Rogue' bus tour. They say she's been traveling on private planes to various stops and then just hops in the bus at the local town. So, let's see what you got. You have Sarah Palin, who's no longer governor, who's promoting a book she didn't actually write by going on a bus tour which is not really a bus. Her big complaint? Politicians who aren't real.

I watched Oprah interview Sarah Palin a couple weeks ago. Spent a whole hour talking to her. And I realized, if John McCain had done that, we never would have heard of Sarah Palin.

From Craig Ferguson:

Everybody's talking about President Obama's speech last night. He's sending 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan. Right now, in Scandinavia, the Nobel Committee is really rethinking the whole peace prize.

Anyway, the good news is the first people Obama sends to Afghanistan are those White House party crashers, so it's not all bad.

Jon Stewart lampooning just about everything and most especially global warming critics:

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From Jimmy Kimmel:

After months of deliberation, our president, President Obama, tonight revealed his much-anticipated plans for Afghanistan. Turns out he's decided to pave it over and make a Wal-Mart out of it.

Speaking from West Point, NY, the President announced he will send 30,000 additional troops to Afghanistan over the next six months and 2,000 additional troops to Tiger Woods's mansion in Orlando. Peacekeeping forces.

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As you know, Afghanistan is strategically important to the United States because they control, like, 90 percent of the world's supply of rubble, and we need that.

Congratulations, I want to say, to former President Bill and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. Their daughter, Chelsea, got engaged over the weekend. You know when you have to decide whether or not to invite the bride's father to the bachelor party? That's going to be a tough call.

Chelsea will marry her longtime boyfriend, investment banker Marc Mezvinsky. She must really love him, because Chelsea Mezvinsky doesn't exactly roll off the tongue.

From Conan O’Brien:

Last night, President Obama gave a speech at West Point. Right in the middle, they cut to a cadet who was sleeping. That cadet was immediately assigned to work security at the next White House state dinner.

Last night, Fox commentator Bill O'Reilly said that President Obama's speech was “no Gettysburg address.” When he heard this, Larry King said: “How would you know? I don't remember seeing you there.”

Time magazine plans to announce its 'Person of the Year' next week. And top contenders include President Obama and Steve Jobs. The other top contender? The one guy who still reads Time magazine.

This is interesting. A list of this year's 15 most commonly used words has been released. And it includes H1N1, deficit and health care. Not making the list this year, Chrysler-mania.

After three months of will he or won't he, the president went on all the major networks and NBC to finally reveal what he is going to do about Afghanistan. And for critics who say Americans haven't sacrificed for these wars, well, they have now. Because last night, the president's speech actually preempted the annual showing of 'A Charlie Brown Christmas.' Good grief, it's literally a war on Christmas.

The Secret Service just announced that due to that couple crashing the White House state dinner last week, they will change some of their screening policies. For example, the password to get into the White House will no longer be, “Seriously, they said we could come.”

Some people are upset about President Obama's prime time speech tonight because it bumped ABC's airing of “A Charlie Brown Christmas,” or as Fox News reported it, “Obama ruins Christmas for a depressed bald kid.”

Colbert crushes Glenn Beck for latest hysteria about Obama:

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- from a cartoonist in Austria.

*** To catch up on various posts for The Social Poets and more on other blogs about positive heart-warming news, science, health and politics, check out Catch Up on Posts 6 Dec 2009.

*** Thanks for visiting!

Catch Up on Funny Posts at Dennys Funny Quotes 1 Dec 2009

What'd ya say? I'm so smart? But are you sure about that?

From Denny: OK, so I've been slacking off for the holidays... :) What can I say? I've been in a "food coma"? Nice try; Thanksgiving Day was last week... My only defense would be that food comas take a long time from which to recover, uh, ok, equally lame...

This morning I've been working on Dennys Funny Quotes ever since I found out Blogger only backs up posts. Sweet. All those category lists which took hours and hours to build are basically toast so I've been creating posts of all my categories.

For a grin today take a look at what I've rounded up so far:

Funny Retirement Quotes

Funny Friendship Quotes

Funny Ironic Humor Quotes

Funny Crazy Cat Quotes

Funny Quotes About Quotations

Funny Cooking Quotes

Funny Conan OBrien Quotes

Funny Jay Leno Quotes

Funny Inspirational Quotes

*** Try not to dine too much you might end up in a funny quotes coma! Save room in your mind tummy for tomorrow's Cheeky Quote Day! :)

Roundup of Sunday Funnies 30 Nov 2009

From Denny: The late night comics primarily had a field day with Palin yet threw some crumbs to the peanut gallery: Schwarzenegger, Bush, Oprah, Geithner, Karzai, KSM, Bill and Hillary Clinton. Can't wait to see what they do this week with Iran and its 10 new nuke plants they are building. We can only imagine their diplomatic solutions...

From Jay Leno:

"President Obama is getting ready to pardon the White House turkey, the Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner."

"I don't want to say Geithner is not doing a good job. But, today, God asked for his name to be taken off the bill."

"The White House and the Senate Democrats are working on a new jobs bill. The White House said this new jobs bill could create twice as many non-existent fake jobs as the last one."

"Now, three weeks ago, [the Administration] said the $787 billion stimulus-thing created one million new jobs. Then, last week, they said it was really only 640,000 jobs. Now, they're saying they really don't know. You know how to create a new job? Fire the guy in charge of counting."

"There's a lot of controversy over this section of this new health care bill that says if you don't buy health insurance, you can go to jail for five years. They say it'll prevent freeloaders of the system. Yeah, but — well, if they do go to jail, won't they get free health care for five years?"

"President Obama was in China last week. Today, the Chinese government sent him a beautiful gift. Did you see this on the news tonight? It was a 10% off coupon at Wal-Mart."

"California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger says he will not run for another office once his term as governor is over. And the amazing thing — do you know what he's going to be doing after this? He'll be a speech therapist."

"Former Cuban leader Fidel Castro, reportedly a huge fan of President Obama. He thinks President Obama's doing a great job. Well, Obama hasn't had PR that good since the Reverend Wright was campaigning for him."

"The alleged 9/11 mastermind, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, is gonna be tried in New York City after all, it looks like. A lot of people saying this is too dangerous. And, of course, the big fear, he could escape by disappearing into a sea of cab drivers."

"This week, Afghanistan's President Hamid Karzai was sworn in wearing Afghanistan's traditional clothing: Kevlar pants, a helmet and bulletproof vest."

"The George W. Bush library design was unveiled this week by former First Lady Laura Bush. Did you know that she was a librarian when she first met George? Did you know that? In fact, she's the only thing he ever checked out of a library."

"Hillary Clinton tells Vogue magazine that she naps on command, like that. Yeah, especially when Bill asks if she's in the mood"



From David Letterman:

"That evil guy, the evil masterminding terrorist Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, he is going on trial here in New York City. I will tell you something, this guy is nothing but evil. One time he called CNN and told him that his son was floating away in a balloon."

"Khalid is expected to get a tough reception here in New York City because everybody hates him. You know, why not? Here's a guy you can hate. And on top of that, he's a Red Sox fan."

"Legal experts are worried about having [Khalid Sheikh Mohammed's] trial here in New York City with this guy because they think he'll use the trial as a soapbox. Use the trial as a soapbox. Have you seen the guy, there he is. If he does, it will be the closest this guy has been to soap in years."

"It's a big week for (New York Senator) Chuck Schumer. First his birthday and then being named sexiest man alive."

"Barnes and Noble is running a great promotion on the Sarah Palin book. You buy the Sarah Palin book, they will throw in a free Mayan calendar."

"John McCain, Sarah Palin's former running mate, read the Sarah Palin memoir. After 23 years of military service, five years as a prisoner of war, 22 years as a U.S. senator, I'm sure that John found Sarah's story very inspirational."

"A lot of people are saying that it's too soon for Sarah Palin to write a memoir. They say she should wait until she had at least ten more years of inexperience."

"Anybody reading the 'Going Rogue' book, the Sarah Palin memoir? Remember the interview she did with Katie Couric before the election and it was confusing and clumsy. Well, in the book, Sarah Palin says that she felt ambushed when Katie Couric asked her what newspapers she read. This coming from a woman who hunts wolves from a helicopter."

"Sarah Palin signed copies — she's out on a massive book tour. This is a huge bestseller. She was at Barnes & Noble today and she actually had to take a break because she got a cramp in her wig."

"Then she got a sore hand from signing so many book copies. She had to call Rush Limbaugh to get some OxyContin, and that put her right where she wanted to be."

"Welcome to New York City. Beginning Monday, you know who's going to be here? Khalid Sheikh Mohammed will be here. He's going on trial. And the time that he's in New York City, he's going to be very busy. Monday, for example — Monday morning — he'll be on the 'Today Show,' singing 'I Dreamed a Dream.' Very busy schedule."

"He's not coming on this show, apparently because of a joke I made about his daughter."

"But listen to this. What a great idea. The CIA has a plan now, they're going to grab Osama bin Laden when he shows up for jury duty. They're going to get him, cuff him, outta here!"

"Here's great news. The United States Senate unveiled its healthcare bill. Listen to this: $849 billion, 2,000 pages. Whooo! Sounds like a Donald trump prenup."

"Sarah Palin's book is now available on kindle, and, coincidentally, I'm using my copy as kindling."

"On Friday, President Obama pardons the White House turkey. Mmm-boy. Dick Cheney didn't miss an opportunity. He proves that Obama is soft on poultry."



From Conan O'Brien:

"The ratings just came in for Sarah Palin's appearance on 'The Oprah Winfrey Show.' It earned Oprah her highest ratings since the episode where she reunited the Osmond family. Yeah, viewers who saw both episodes say Palin's more likable but that Donny and Marie are more qualified to be president."

"Oprah Winfrey announced she's quitting her show. Oprah's quitting. No, crazy. Yeah. This is the crazy thing. Oprah said she used prayer to help her decide to end her show. That's what she said. Yeah, Oprah said she stopped praying when she realized she has more money than the guy she's praying to."

"According to a new poll, more Americans would like to have Thanksgiving dinner with Hillary Clinton than with Sarah Palin. That's what the poll said. Yeah. Mainly because no one wants to eat elk pie."

"It's been reported that CNN got so tired of Lou Dobbs' focus on immigration issues that they paid him $8 million to leave. Yeah, and just to rub it in, they gave it to him in pesos."

From Jimmy Fallon:

"Over the weekend, the Senate voted to allow debate on the healthcare bill. Can you believe that? It's like fighting over whether or not to fight."

From Seth Meyers:

"Sarah Palin launched her book tour this week with a stop in Michigan, where more than 1,000 people waited to meet her. Or, as Fox News reported it, half a million people."

"In a long-standing Thanksgiving tradition, President Obama is scheduled to pardon the White House turkey this coming Wednesday. 'Hey, that's great,' said Joe Biden. 'I didn't even know I did anything wrong.'"

"To help pay for the health care plan, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid proposed a 5% tax on all elective cosmetic surgery. Oh, sure, I guess it is easy to tax plastic surgery when you already have movie star good looks [on screen: a photo of Reid]."

"It was reported Monday that food summit, Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi spent several hours in the company of 200 Italian women and tried to convert them to Islam. Long story short -- he's a Catholic now."

"The design for George W. Bush's presidential library was unveiled Wednesday in Dallas, and features a lantern-shaped roof that will glow at night. Mr. President, I don't want to make any more jokes about you being dumb, but you have to meet me halfway. Don't build a library where the lights are on when no one is home."

*** Thanks for visiting and for more grins be sure to visit the other silly blogs for laughs: Dennys Funny Quotes and Ouch Outrageous Obnoxious And Odd!

Roundup of Sunday Funnies 23 Nov 2009

From Denny: The biggest target this week for lampooning by late night comedians was, you guessed it, Sarah Palin. She does love to be controversial - even if it's negative attention she seems to thrive on it. Not exactly my idea of Presidential material and the kind of "thinker" I'd want with her finger on the nuclear weapons buttons... Wisdom is not in her vocabulary or daily practice.



From David Letterman:

"Anybody reading the 'Going Rogue' book, the Sarah Palin memoir? Remember the interview she did with Katie Couric before the election and it was confusing and clumsy. Well, in the book, Sarah Palin says that she felt ambushed when Katie Couric asked her what newspapers she read. This coming from a woman who hunts wolves from a helicopter."

"Sarah Palin signed copies — she's out on a massive book tour. This is a huge bestseller. She was at Barnes & Noble today and she actually had to take a break because she got a cramp in her wig."

"Then she got a sore hand from signing so many book copies. She had to call Rush Limbaugh to get some OxyContin, and that put her right where she wanted to be."

"Welcome to New York City. Beginning Monday, you know who's going to be here? Khalid Sheikh Mohammed will be here. He's going on trial. And the time that he's in New York City, he's going to be very busy. Monday, for example — Monday morning — he'll be on the 'Today Show,' singing 'I Dreamed a Dream.' Very busy schedule."

"He's not coming on this show, apparently because of a joke I made about his daughter."

"But listen to this. What a great idea. The CIA has a plan now, they're going to grab Osama bin Laden when he shows up for jury duty. They're going to get him, cuff him, outta here!"

"Here's great news. The United States Senate unveiled its healthcare bill. Listen to this: $849 billion, 2,000 pages. Whooo! Sounds like a Donald trump prenup."



From Jimmy Fallon:

"President Obama said he probably won't read Sarah Palin's new book, because she'll sell enough copies without him. Meanwhile, President Bush said he probably won't read Sarah Palin's book, because it's a book."

"The Senate unveiled its own version of the healthcare bill yesterday. It will cost $849 billion and cover 31 million Americans. It's so exciting. That means we're close to having that bill voted on by the Senate, then combined with the bill in House, then re-voted on again by both houses and then signed into law, which will take effect in three years. Exciting, right?!"

"I don't know if you guys know this, but tomorrow is Vice President Joe Biden's 67th birthday. Whenever he gets a birthday cake, he doesn't blow out the candles, he just talks and talks until the candles decide to put themselves out."

From Jay Leno:

"One week 'til Thanksgiving. Very excited about that. Back in Washington, our congressional leaders all preparing for the big Thanksgiving meal. I read today Nancy Pelosi already taking her turkey in to have its neck tightened up."

"The U.S. Postal Service announced this week that it lost $3.8 billion this year. Here's the worst part. You know how they lost it? In the mail."

"Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger says he will not run for another office once his term as governor is over. He said, 'I have never labeled myself as a politician.' At least that's what I think he said. Either that or, 'I never sat down at the table with an obstetrician.'"



From Conan O'Brien:

"President Obama has lifted his ban on doing interviews with Fox News. Well, yesterday, President Obama was interviewed by a reporter from Fox News. Yeah. And you could tell the reporter was from Fox News because the first question was, 'How do you think you're doing as president on a scale from minus one to minus ten?"

"Hey, President Obama was in South Korea today, discussing what to do about Iran's nuclear ambitions. And he said he plans to, quote, 'indicate our seriousness to Iran.' Obama plans to indicate our seriousness by having our next message to Iran read aloud by James Earl Jones."

"Earlier this week — this is crazy — the country's first marijuana cafe opened up, which not only sells medical marijuana, but also has a restaurant where customers can eat. In a related story, the recession is over."

"Hey, Kellogg's announced that due to a problem at the factory this year, there's going to be a nationwide shortage of Eggo waffles. The terror alert has been raised to orange."

From Jimmy Kimmel:

"The Sarah Palin tour made its top in Noblesville, Indiana, today. Her book, 'Going Rogue,' is still at the top of Amazon's best seller list, which is rare for a work of fiction."


*** Thanks for visiting and have a great work week! Keep smiling!

Roundup of Sunday Funnies: Hillary's Stressed, Obama Dances

From Denny: OK, let the late night show guys rip away! Faithfully as obnoxious as ever... :)

The Jay Leno Show

Jay Leno: A new study shows that the phrase most often used by President Obama is "let me be clear." The phrase he uses the least often, "let me be specific."

The Jay Leno Show

Jay Leno: The International Atomic Energy Agency is going to get their first look at the other nuclear facility in Iran. Hopefully they'll get to the real story on Iran's nuclear capabilities. You know, we can't even get the real story on the balloon boy.

The Late Late Show

Craig Ferguson: Did you hear the Chicago Cubs filed for bankruptcy? They're from Chicago and spent millions they didn't have? I smell a Nobel Peace Prize.



Ziggy epitomizes how the average American feels in this economy...

The Tonight Show

Conan O'Brien: I think the pressure of this job is starting to get to Hillary Clinton. I really do. Take a look ("Nightline" video shown):

ABC reporter Cynthia McFadden: How much time do you actually spend with the president?

Clinton: (stares blankly)

McFadden: Four or five times a week?

Clinton: (stares blankly)

McFadden: Do you know what you think the right strategy for America is?

Clinton: (laughs uncontrollably)

*** Thanks for visiting, everyone, and have a great work week!

Also at Dennys Funny Quotes: 42 Monday Morning Funny Coffee Quotes, Coffee Cartoon

This Weeks Roundup of Sunday Funnies - The Real Heckler Behind 'You Lie!'

UPDATE: If you want to see the news videos about the President's media blitz to explain and sell health care reform, I've parked that large post over at Dennys Global Politics. For the link, (6 Videos: President Obamas Media Blitz to Sell Health Care Reform) go here.

From Denny: Actually, my Louisiana Senator Mary Landrieu is supporting the public option for health care. Blue Dogs are a Catch-22 for the Democratic Party.

The Blue Dogs are the only thing that have breathed life into the Democratic Party in the South and other parts of the country during the Bush years of domination. They have managed to keep a fingernail-scratching-slipping-almost-hold on seats for the Democrats.

The tide is beginning to turn in the South as more and more middle class people have finally figured out they were lied to and cheated by the Republicans they voted into power. Right now, many are not quite willing to become Democrats but have been changing their voting status to Independent like one third of the nation. If the Democrats ever get their act together they will win back the South.



This is a controversial cartoon...

The Late Late Show

Craig Ferguson: Did you see President Obama's health care speech to Congress last night? I watched every single minute and even took notes. You're thinking, Craig, you lie!

Late Night With Jimmy Fallon

Jimmy Fallon: President Obama said that he will not sign a health care plan that adds one dime to the federal deficit. And then he interrupted himself and said, "You lie."

The Tonight Show

Conan O'Brien: Republican Congressman Joe Wilson's apologized for calling President Obama a liar. Obama accepted Wilson's apology and then invited him to appear before a death panel.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

President Obama (clip from joint session): The reforms I'm proposing would not apply to those who are here illegally.

Man in audience: You lie! Oh, sorry, Mr. President, I was talking about my favorite month -- it's not August, it's not September. It is July!

Late Show

Dave Letterman: Paula Abdul, of course, was the judge that Ellen [DeGeneres] is replacing, but don't worry about Paula Abdul. You know what she is going to do, I just heard this today: She's running for governor of Alaska.

Here's a roundup we missed: U.S. Kept Copy of Keys to Iraq

The Daily Show

Jon Stewart: The United States gave the Iraqis the key back to their own cities. Don't worry, we made a copy.

The Late Late Show

Craig Ferguson: The show "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" is returning to prime time. But due to the recession, it's being renamed "Who Wants Five Bucks and a Taco?"

Late Show

David Letterman: Here is good news for Bernie Madoff: Only 149 years, 50 weeks to go. (Probably music to the ears of all his victims...)

This Weeks Roundup of Sunday Funnies - Sarah Palin Kicked Out of Town Hall

From Denny: Keep finding these retro posters on StumbleUpon and the art is fun!

Enjoy some of the latest from the late night shows... here's what they had to say about Sarah Palin and Obama's vacation time.

The Tonight Show

Conan O'Brien: Sen. John McCain, did you hear about this? He had an out-of-control woman thrown out of a town hall meeting because she wouldn't stop yelling at him. Yeah, I'm guessing he still hasn't patched things up with Sarah Palin.

Late Show

Dave Letterman: Obama is spending the week at a $30,000 a week beach house. $30,000 a week beach house, and they call this guy a socialist? Come on.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Jimmy Kimmel: The state of California is $30 billion in debt, so what we decided to do is set it on fire and collect the insurance.


The Tonight Show

Conan O'Brien: The latest rumor is that President Obama is going to have dinner on Martha's Vineyard with Oprah Winfrey. That's what they're saying. That's right, ladies and gentlemen. The most powerful person in the free world is going to have dinner with President Obama.

Happy Labor Day holiday and stay safe, everyone!

This Weeks Roundup of Sunday Funnies - Afghanistans Run Off Election

... And this is pretty much how WOMEN feel about the TALIBAN interfering in their lives!!

From Denny: Guess you can tell I'm no fan of the idiot group known as the Taliban.

Anyway, I'm not losing any sleep over the criticism about the Taliban from the late night show comics of late. Have at it, boys! :) It's an ultra light roasting today as it is... Where are those scorcher comedians when you need one...? :)

Real Time with Bill Maher

Bill Maher: So they're going to have a run off election in Afghanistan. that's when the Taliban shows up and everyone runs off.

Late Show

Dave Letterman: Do you know what's deserted in Washington, D.C? Anybody here from Washington? Look at the shot of the Lincoln Memorial. Get in tight on that. Look at this (shows Lincoln Memorial, pushes into empty chair) everybody's gone, even Abe.

Real Time with Bill Maher

Bill Maher: That is what American democracy has come down to at town halls: old people and gun nuts, which is a terrible combination. Somebody yelled AK-47, and an old lady yelled bingo.

The Tonight Show

Conan O'Brien: Critics of the federal stimulus plan say that millions of dollars are being wasted on fixing up bathrooms at our national parks. Yeah, fixing up the bathrooms. Yeah, they may be right, 'cause, this week, they turned Old Faithful into a bidet.

Late Show

Dave Letterman: 90% of all paper money in this country has traces of cocaine. Talk about your stimulus money.

The Daily Show

Barney Frank at town hall: Ma'am, trying to have a conversation with you would be like trying to argue with a dining room table.

Jon Stewart: It's time for health care town hall, snap! You better hope Blue Cross doesn't consider ugly a pre-existing condition. Oh, damn! Your momma's so dumb she thinks the public option is a port-a-potty.


The Tonight Show, Bill Maher, Real Time with Bill Maher, David Letterman, The Daily Show, Conan O'Brien, Late Show Craig Ferguson, Jon Stewart, health care, Barney Frank, Taliban, federal stimulus, town hall meetings

Funny Video: William Shatner Puts Gov. Sarah Palin's Twitter Tweets to Poetry

From Denny: And here I thought Gov. Sarah Palin was just nervous at her farewell speech. Now I'm beginning to wonder if she has brain damage after hearing her Twitter tweets repeated by actor William Shatner verbatim as if it were free verse poetry. Strange, rambling, confusing, irrational, really sad...

Funny Video: William Shatner Recites Gov. Sarah Palin's Goodbye Speech as Poetry

From Denny: How many of you watched Governor Sarah Palin's goodbye speech and afterward were left scatching your head, "What did she say? What was the point?" To say her speech was rambling in a sing-song nonsense delivery is an understatement. I was beginning to wonder if she was suffering from a nervous breakdown. Surely no one would actually talk like this on national TV intentionally...?

Well, Conan O'Brien had an interesting take on her speech. Using her EXACT words in the same order Conan brought on actor William Shatner to recite her speech as a poem. Take a look.

This Week: Roundup of Sunday Funnies - Sarah Palin Will Be Back

Photo by ano-cha @ flickr (Cocoa the dachsund)

From Denny: Here's our weekly roundup of the late night shows' comedy from ABC's This Week with George Stephanopoulos

The Tonight Show

Conan O'Brien: A lot of us are still mourning the loss of one of America's most entertaining figures who left us all too soon. But don't worry, folks, Sarah Palin will be back.

Late Show

David Letterman: We had a big computer attack, they don't know what happened. They shut down the U.S. Treasury Department Web site. Man! That's scary. I was stunned. I said, U.S. still has a Treasury Department?

The Tonight Show

Conan O'Brien: President Obama had a historic meeting with Pope Benedict XVI. Isn't that great? They came together, yeah. Or, as Fox News is reporting it, Obama caught up with old man in dress.

Late Show

David Letterman: Anybody go to the harbor today to see the Statue of Liberty? It's taken the town by storm, the waders, take a look there (an image shown of Statue of Liberty wearing Sarah Palin's waders).

The Tonight Show

Conan O'Brien: The newly appointed CEO of General Motors said that the company will now build cars that Americans want. After hearing it, GM employees said, "You can tell this guy's new around here."

This Week: Roundup of Sunday Funnies - Sanford's GOP Outreach and More!

From Denny: With so much seriousness in the world these days, we all can use a good laugh. Besides, who can stay up late to watch these guys when we have to start our work week? :)

Here's a roundup of the late-night comics, enjoy. Also, was laughing over at YouTube yesterday and included this little video gem.

Late Show

David Letterman: This Ahmadinejad guy, during all those protests keeping a very low profile in Iran. His staff said he was hiking.

David Letterman: President Obama, this guy takes everything seriously. He's very upset about what's going on in Iran. As a matter of fact, today he announced that he is going to stop smoking camels.

The Tonight Show

Conan O'Brien: People were shocked because Republicans traditionally don't do well with Hispanic women.

Conan O'Brien: South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford admitted to having a mistress from Argentina. That's right. Then there was an awkward moment as he waited for someone to give him a high five.

Late Night

Jimmy Fallon: On July 14 everybody, President Obama will throw out the first pitch at the all-star game in St. Louis. That's pretty cool. Yeah, but Joe Biden will be on hand to commit the first error.

Jimmy Fallon: When our governor in California goes to South America to unwind, he does the right thing. He brings an entire film crew with him to videotape. (Video shown of young Arnold with scantily clad Carnival dancers). By the way, that's the man who runs our whole giant state.

Top 10 Funniest Adds of Super Bowl 2008

This Week: Roundup of Sunday Funnies - McCain is Like Benjamin Button

Roundup of the late night comedy shows

Late Show

David Letterman: They're recounting the ballots cast in the iranian elections, and today they found 14 more votes for Norm Coleman [the Minnesota senator contesting the outcome of the 2008 election].

Late Night

Jimmy Fallon: I wouldn't mind a second opinion from the other "Supreme Leaders:" Burrito supreme, taco supreme and, of course, Diana Ross.

The Tonight Show

Conan O'Brien: I found out NBC's already producing a made-for-TV movie about these latest events. [cut to split-screen of Ahmadinejad photo with Ringo Starr photo]. President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad will be played by Ringo Starr. We're all happy about that.

The Daily Show

Jon Stewart: In the quest for lasting peace while still balancing the demands of a two-front active war on terror all while attempting to prevent a real-life remake of the 'Grapes in Wrath' [Obama clip: The moment is right for health-care reform], the moment is right for -- sorry. It's right for health-care reform. Sorry, were you bored? Not enough on the plate, Jedi Master.

Late Night

Jimmy Fallon: John McCain said on his Twitter feed, on Monday, that he's buying a brand-new Ford Fusion Hybrid. A year ago, McCain didn't use a computer. Now he's on Twitter and buying a hybrid. What's going on? I think he's like Benjamin Button.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Jimmy Kimmel: Our Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is in a cast. She fell and broke her elbow. To wish her well today [photo of White House with half-mast pants on flag post], they flew a pantsuit at half-mast.

This Week: Roundup of Sunday Funnies - The Obama Effect

Bozo Sapien Clown Photo by I'm Fantastic @ flickr

From Denny: Here's a roundup of the late-night comics and was before the outcome of the so-called democratic election was "decided" by the dictator, the clerics and supreme leader.

The Colbert Report

Stephen Colbert: in Iraq: Saddam sure had good taste. There's so much marble and gold paint, I thought I was watching "The Real Housewives of New Jersey."

The Tonight Show

Conan O'Brien: Iranians will have to decide which candidate is best prepared to lead them into the the 12th century.

The Daily Show

Jon Stewart: The Cairo effect, did this already pay off?
MSNBC anchorman Chris Matthews [on tape]: Could it be the Obama effect? The Obama effect?

Stewart: The Obama effect. [Shows graphic of Obama's face superimposed on Bourne Identity movie poster.] Isn't that the sequel to the Obama identity?

Late Night

Jimmy Fallon: President Obama is proposing a new national health care plan that's both inexpensive and acceptable. He's calling it, "Have your surgery in Mexico."

Real Time With Bill Maher

Bill Maher: They released, this wee, four prisoners formerly held at Guantanamo Bay. ... They're resettling them in Bermuda and giving them $100,000. In a related story, the entire population of Detroit said that they were part of al Qaeda.

The Tonight Show

O'Brien: The new CEO said, this is a quote, "Going forward we intend to build on Chrysler's culture of innovation." Then he laughed for three straight hours.

This Week: Roundup of Sunday Funnies - Extremists Can Be Very Fickle

From Denny: And from our late night comedy show friends here is their latest silly banter to keep you entertained! Start your work week off right with a grin!

Late Late Show

Craig Ferguson: It's another busy day for President Obama. He's over in the Middle East. Don't worry because Joe Biden is running the country.

The Tonight Show

Conan O'Brien: North Korean dictator, Kim Jong-Il is in the process of deciding who is going to be his successor and the most likely person is his youngest son Kim Jong-Un. He's excited but realizes he's got some awfully big women's sunglasses to fill.

Late Late Show

Craig Ferguson: [Presdident Obama] took a tour of the pyramids. When he saw those massive structures that no longer serve any purpose, he offered to give them a bailout.

The Colbert Report

Stephen Colbert: If we conservatives try to stand up to this reverse racism, we're going to lose crucial Latino votes. Just as GOP leaders were beginning their outreach to Hispanics! Many have even asked their gardener what his name is!

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Jimmy Kimmel: His speech for the most part has been very well received. [Obama:] 'America is not and never will be at war with Islam.' (Tape of actors dressed as extremists in audience taking off weapons.) [Obama:] 'We will, however, relentlessly confront violent extremists who pose a grave threat to our security.' (Tape of actors dressed as extremists sighing, putting on weapons.) Extremists can be very fickle.

Photo by Tansan @ flickr

Libations Friday! 10 April 2009

Photo by once and future @ flickr

Coffee Trivia

Did you know that ALL coffee on the planet is grown within 1,000 miles of the equator between the Tropics of Cancer and Capricorn?

How about this one: Did you know that a mature coffee tree only produces ONE pound of coffee per season? That’s all, folks!

Where is the largest coffee importer center in the USA? Hint: It’s near me. Answer: New Orleans, Louisiana. Do you think maybe New Orleans is the closest American port to Central and South America?

At what point in American history did we as a nation develop a taste for coffee? Answer: It was during the War of 1812 when tea imports were cut off, and, “the rest is history”!



Photo by Ballistik Coffee Boy @ flickr

Coffee Quotes from CoffeeSage.com

“Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, ‘Jesus! This cup is expensive!” ~ Conan O’Brien

And a blast from the past:

“The coffee is prepared in such a way that it makes those who drink it witty: at least there is not a single soul who, on quitting the house, does not believe himself four times wittier that when he entered it.” - Charles de Secondat Montesquieu

“Black as the devil,
Hot as hell,
Pure as an angel,
Sweet as love.”

– Charles Maurice de Talleyrand

That last quote sounds a lot like a haiku!

Coffee Poetry Contest over at Roast Magazine. Here’s the link to last year’s winners, go here. Past winners of David Demitasse Poetry Contest where the poem has to be about coffee.

Poetry page for poems all about coffee, go here.



Photo by Ballistik Coffee Boy @ flickr

Coffee with some punch from CoffeeRecipes.org:

Alcoholic Cappuccino recipe

Ingredients list:

3 cups of coffee

3 cups of half and half

4 oz. of Creme de Cacao

2 oz. of rum

2 oz. of brandy

Easy directions: In a suitably sized saucepan, combine all of the ingredients. Heat then serve.

From Coffee Review.com

Coffee Culture: Coffee Ceremonies

“For people in the Horn of Africa and parts of the Middle East coffee has maintained its religious connotations, and the ritual aspects remain conscious and refined. Ethiopians and Eritreans brought their coffee ceremonies with them as they immigrated to the United States.

My first experience with a formal coffee ceremony was in the apartment of an Eritrean friend in a thoroughly urbanized part of Oakland, California. His wife carefully roasted the green coffee beans in a shallow pan, passed the just-roasted, steaming beans around the room so that everyone could enjoy their sweet black smoke, cooled them on a small straw mat, ground them in an electric grinder (at home in Eritrea she would use a large mortar and pestle, but she explained that the pounding disturbed her downstairs neighbors!), brewed the coffee in a traditional clay pot, and served it in tiny cups.

The entire event was an opportunity to talk and gossip while basking in the smell and spectacle of the preparation of the beverage whose consumption consummated the morning.”

***

From Denny:

The Unusual Poems from Our Ancient Past

As I was rooting around the internet for something interesting in the way of poetry for today, my brain seemed to get stuck in coffee and chocolate mode. I went from coffee site to coffee site, followed blog roll links to wine, food, coffee and chocolate blogs. I read about how to roast your own coffee. I read musings from ex-baristas. I waded through a lot of coffee!

Eventually, after a number of searches I ran across an obscure poetry site. This is one of those little gems you enjoy finding because it is so unique. I was searching for ancient poets. After a good deal of time among the ancient Greeks I looked for more and up popped this site about the Ancient American Poets. What? Anything in America is ancient? My mind took a quick hook-shot left turn and came to a sudden stop. Now what’s this all about?

This site contains ancient Inca, Mayan and Aztec poetry dated from about 500 years ago when it was first recorded by the occupying Spaniards. Now for America that’s definitely ancient! What was compelling was the man’s story of how he came to be a translator and learned several languages to get to the point to translate some of this text.

His name is John Curl and his book and site are both called Ancient American Poetry.

From John Curl: “These early manuscripts of ancient literature are a hidden part of our heritage; very few students of poetry in the USA know the names or existence of some of the earliest American poets. These translations and biographies are one attempt to help correct that. Reclaiming our multi-cultural heritage deepens our understanding of who we are and where our society is going.”

This sacred hymn is both a prayer and a philosophical musing considered to be of the highest poetic art form for their culture dedicated to the Creator they called Wiracocha.

From John: “Quechua poets liked their verses brief and without obvious artifice. Arawikujs didn't care about metrics, and scorned technical rigidity.

The meters of their verses were determined by the inner necessities of meaning and poetics. Inside the forms of the songs there was great flexibility. The rhythm was the natural fluidity of the language.

The number of syllables in each line was highly mutable. A line of poetry usually consisted of only five or six syllables, and rarely more than eight. Rhyme and assonance were common but not necessary. Many Quechua words have the same endings. Blank verses were common.

The Quechua (Runasimi) Language

Quechua (Qhëshwa) - or, more properly, Runasimi, meaning literally "People Mouth" - is an agglutinative language, adding syllables onto a root to form long meaningful words. By the addition of small particles to Quechua verbs, one can express numerous subtleties of thought and emotion.

Many words have several synonyms, each with a slight twist of meaning. Runasimi contains many onomatopoetic words. Although outlawed for a period by the Spaniards after the revolt of Tupac Amaru II, Quechua survived and has about ten million speakers today. It is described by native speakers as an extraordinarily expressive idiom…

The hymns of Pachacutec Inca Yupanqui, composed for the Situa ceremony around 1440-1450, are among the world's great sacred poetry.

The eleven hymns, or jaillis, in Quechua verse, were sung to the accompaniment of instruments during the annual Inca ceremony of the Situa Raymi, held at the first new moon after the Spring equinox.

In appreciation of the sacred Inca hymns, the great Quechua scholar Jesus Lara writes, ‘Among the hymns... there are fragments of profound beauty, interpreters of a high level of spirituality reached by the Inca people.

Many of them seduce by their transparent simplicity, for the elemental gratitude in them for the deity who creates and governs, who grants sustenance, peace and happiness. Many captivate by their elevation contiguous with metaphysic. All by the emotional force that palpitates in them.’"

Random Denny Thought: It makes me wonder if on a spiritual level or perhaps encoded in the languages of our continent that this idea of free verse where the message is of highest importance survives today in American culture. This ancient American culture had a disdain for rigid technical forms as our generation does today. The attitude survives though the formal culture does not.

Ancient American Poets by John Curl sure sounds like a must have for the poetry shelf of the ancients who once walked where we walk today. I wonder what they would have to say now…



Sacred Hymn to Wiracocha the Creator

Oh Creator, root of all,
Wiracocha, end of all,
Lord in shining garments
who infuses life and sets all things in order,
saying, "Let there be man! Let there be woman!"
Molder, maker,
to all things you have given life:
watch over them,
keep them living prosperously, fortunately
in safety and peace.
Where are you?
Outside? Inside?
Above this world in the clouds?
Below this world in the shades?
Hear me!
Answer me!
Take my words to your heart!
For ages without end
let me live,
grasp me in your arms,
hold me in your hands,
receive this offering
wherever you are, my Lord,
my Wiracocha.

***

To all the spirits of places

Creator, end of all things
root of all
Lord of the Lake
active diligent Wiracocha,
Lord of Mountains
Lord of Prayers
Lord of Rituals
Lord without measure,
Creator, end of all,
who rewards and grants:
Let the communities and peoples prosper
and also those who journey outside or within.

***
From the Amazon site about the author:

John Curl is a respected poet and author of historical works who has published fiction, poetry, essays, and history in numerous magazines and periodicals during the last three decades. He is a board member of PEN USA West and PEN Oakland and has also hosted a weekly radio show.

Tracking down this book over at Amazon.com I also found some used ones as well for the budget. New is $16 US. It can be found by going here in the Ancient Poetry section of The Social Poets Store banner at the top of the posting area or just click here.