Roundup of Sunday Funnies 23 Nov 2009

From Denny: The biggest target this week for lampooning by late night comedians was, you guessed it, Sarah Palin. She does love to be controversial - even if it's negative attention she seems to thrive on it. Not exactly my idea of Presidential material and the kind of "thinker" I'd want with her finger on the nuclear weapons buttons... Wisdom is not in her vocabulary or daily practice.



From David Letterman:

"Anybody reading the 'Going Rogue' book, the Sarah Palin memoir? Remember the interview she did with Katie Couric before the election and it was confusing and clumsy. Well, in the book, Sarah Palin says that she felt ambushed when Katie Couric asked her what newspapers she read. This coming from a woman who hunts wolves from a helicopter."

"Sarah Palin signed copies — she's out on a massive book tour. This is a huge bestseller. She was at Barnes & Noble today and she actually had to take a break because she got a cramp in her wig."

"Then she got a sore hand from signing so many book copies. She had to call Rush Limbaugh to get some OxyContin, and that put her right where she wanted to be."

"Welcome to New York City. Beginning Monday, you know who's going to be here? Khalid Sheikh Mohammed will be here. He's going on trial. And the time that he's in New York City, he's going to be very busy. Monday, for example — Monday morning — he'll be on the 'Today Show,' singing 'I Dreamed a Dream.' Very busy schedule."

"He's not coming on this show, apparently because of a joke I made about his daughter."

"But listen to this. What a great idea. The CIA has a plan now, they're going to grab Osama bin Laden when he shows up for jury duty. They're going to get him, cuff him, outta here!"

"Here's great news. The United States Senate unveiled its healthcare bill. Listen to this: $849 billion, 2,000 pages. Whooo! Sounds like a Donald trump prenup."



From Jimmy Fallon:

"President Obama said he probably won't read Sarah Palin's new book, because she'll sell enough copies without him. Meanwhile, President Bush said he probably won't read Sarah Palin's book, because it's a book."

"The Senate unveiled its own version of the healthcare bill yesterday. It will cost $849 billion and cover 31 million Americans. It's so exciting. That means we're close to having that bill voted on by the Senate, then combined with the bill in House, then re-voted on again by both houses and then signed into law, which will take effect in three years. Exciting, right?!"

"I don't know if you guys know this, but tomorrow is Vice President Joe Biden's 67th birthday. Whenever he gets a birthday cake, he doesn't blow out the candles, he just talks and talks until the candles decide to put themselves out."

From Jay Leno:

"One week 'til Thanksgiving. Very excited about that. Back in Washington, our congressional leaders all preparing for the big Thanksgiving meal. I read today Nancy Pelosi already taking her turkey in to have its neck tightened up."

"The U.S. Postal Service announced this week that it lost $3.8 billion this year. Here's the worst part. You know how they lost it? In the mail."

"Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger says he will not run for another office once his term as governor is over. He said, 'I have never labeled myself as a politician.' At least that's what I think he said. Either that or, 'I never sat down at the table with an obstetrician.'"



From Conan O'Brien:

"President Obama has lifted his ban on doing interviews with Fox News. Well, yesterday, President Obama was interviewed by a reporter from Fox News. Yeah. And you could tell the reporter was from Fox News because the first question was, 'How do you think you're doing as president on a scale from minus one to minus ten?"

"Hey, President Obama was in South Korea today, discussing what to do about Iran's nuclear ambitions. And he said he plans to, quote, 'indicate our seriousness to Iran.' Obama plans to indicate our seriousness by having our next message to Iran read aloud by James Earl Jones."

"Earlier this week — this is crazy — the country's first marijuana cafe opened up, which not only sells medical marijuana, but also has a restaurant where customers can eat. In a related story, the recession is over."

"Hey, Kellogg's announced that due to a problem at the factory this year, there's going to be a nationwide shortage of Eggo waffles. The terror alert has been raised to orange."

From Jimmy Kimmel:

"The Sarah Palin tour made its top in Noblesville, Indiana, today. Her book, 'Going Rogue,' is still at the top of Amazon's best seller list, which is rare for a work of fiction."


*** Thanks for visiting and have a great work week! Keep smiling!

Libations Friday! 1 May 2009

From Denny: It’s Friday and time for new coffee recipes from our friends over at coffeerecipes.org! The site’s bit of trivia about coffee:

• Coffee represents 71% of all the United States caffeine consumption.

• When coffee first appeared in Africa, it was used as a type of religious intoxicant.

• Americans' taste for coffee grew during the early nineteenth century, as a result of tea imports being cut off due to the War of 1812.

Since my theme poem is about the birthday event - in Taiwan many years ago, a year ago my own birthday, and today's birthday of my mother, all overlapping - a coffee recipe for a group is the first order of the day. My husband’s favorite party drink usually involves Irish Whiskey so there is an Irish Coffee recipe to keep him deliriously happy too.

***

Coffee Punch

Ingredients:

2 quarts of vanilla ice cream, softened

2 quarts of strong brewed coffee, cooled

2 cups of milk

2 cups of whipping cream, whipped

½ cup of sugar

1 tablespoon of vanilla extract

Ground nutmeg


Directions: Combine the coffee, milk, sugar, and vanilla; stir thoroughly. Chill.

Place the vanilla ice cream in a large punch bowl. Pour the coffee mixture over top of the ice cream, stirring gently. Top with whipped cream, sprinkle with nutmeg, then serve.

***

Creamy Irish Coffee

Ingredients:

4 cups of fresh coffee

1 cup of whipping cream

½ cup of Irish whiskey

¼ cup of sugar

2 tablespoons of sugar

2 tablespoons of Irish whiskey

Instructions: In a saucepan, add 4 cups of strong fresh coffee, ½ cup of Irish whiskey and ¼ cup sugar. Heat up, but do not boil.

Whip 1 cup of whipping cream until it is light, then beat in 2 tablespoons of sugar and 2 tablespoons of whiskey. Pour the coffee into coffee mugs and spoon the cream on top. Serve.

***



Photo taken by my grandmother Isabel long before I was born, cropped for a close up and restored by Denny Lyon

From Denny: Today was my mother’s birthday. Besides her genius intelligence and high creativity, she was fun-loving, accepting of all - long before it was part of mainstream culture. It was very controversial in her time period. She did it anyway as she believed in truly loving others. She was a gentle soul who really wasn’t mean enough to stand up to defend herself, usually allowing things to pass on by. Her name was Marie, nicknamed Ree, and she loved to paint nature like the rugged seashore of Maine since water was her element.

She was beautiful at almost 5’ 10” and was most elegant. (I got the shorter genes, sigh.) While half Scottish and a quarter French, she looked her quarter Spanish with flashing soft brown eyes, a winning smile and dark warm brown hair. By today’s standards Ree was considered a curvaceous hour-glass figured “hottie.” When she entered a room, well, men’s jaws dropped and they drifted her way to grin stupidly in her aura while the less secure women threw eye daggers.

Because of her high intelligence and kind nature, Ree was a gifted conversationalist, the reason men were so drawn to her: a good-looking woman who could talk, well, almost anything! This is what petty jealous women never seem to understand. It’s less about the looks but about the ability to connect with others in a way that is meaningful to them. Sure it helps to polish the outside look but it cannot stand on its own.

While she was aware of her effect she never used it to her advantage, always taking the time to be kind, thoughtful and a team player in any group situation. That only made people love her more! She had plenty of female friends who were, well, cool! They were stronger personalities than she and stuffed full of personality and talent. Ree had this unspoken ability to enliven that sleeping talent in others so they could thrive.

Her friends appreciated that in an atmosphere where women’s hopes were often squashed. She really believed in people! My mother was forever showing other women how to make the most of their own beauty as she did not believe there was any such thing as an ugly woman. That’s a true artist for you. After all, she was born, and grew up, in New York City so Ree knew style, loving clothes.

Reee died when I was eleven years old and the family never recovered the happiness and fun-loving optimistic atmosphere that was present while she lived. Like any family there were a lot of negatives in the family culture which I won’t go into here as it would take far too much space! You can read a portion of it in my article on HubPages: Obama Valentine Gift: Black Man Makes White Women Equal.

I was thinking of looking for birthday poems but suddenly remembered one I wrote on my own birthday. It was composed as a thank you for writing group friends who indirectly had helped me start writing again - after over two years and a car accident where my brain was compromised with a severe concussion. They really helped with the healing process and I am still quite grateful to them though they did not fully realize just how much it meant to me.

Our family moved to Taiwan a few years after Ree’s passing. She would have loved exploring the Chinese culture! Ree’s favorite color was red and she enjoyed the vivacious feel from the color as much as the Chinese. The curious thing about when a traditional Chinese has a birthday, they explained, is that the birthday person is the one who honors the guests and gives out gifts at their own party. What a twist for the usual Western and American mindset! Yet Ree would have understood this immediately and adopted it. She was a truly humble person who could see the value in honoring others.

Actually, my husband and I adopted the Chinese custom. Every year we throw an Aquarian party, honoring all his friends who are born in that time period, a lot of them. It has become quite the popular event over time. Read that as there is not much to do around the end of January! We give them gifts and a good time is had by all.

I think if Ree were here she would like this poem as it reveals how much she loved people. How much she loved you if she only had the chance to meet you all.

On to today's poem:

Image by Abllo™ via Flickr

A Chinese Birthday Favor


A Chinese birthday glorifies, beauteously awarding the self, not
A Chinese birthday pays homage, reverence to honor others, yes

Scattered, sown, plenty of red color, ornaments, auspicious day
Red is the Chinese color choice, celebrating essence of our life!

The birthday person joyfully wallets the opulent celebration
The birthday person attentively invites a large gregarious crowd

As everyone heartily dines and laughs and reconnects, engaged
Presents given to the honored happy guests, the fulfilled hosts, not

A Chinese birthday is about extolling the celebrant host, not
A Chinese birthday is about everyone else exalted their due, yes

The birthday person invited to remember goodness, reminisce
The birthday person bid by tradition to honor others, adorn

So here are my birthday gifts to all of you at this huge party
Blowing gentle kisses, may they land welcome, light and free

Goodwill expressed to all who helped nudge my brain, released
For two years not able to write, not fun at all, deprived liberty

For my fellow writers, writing unleashed, and those just here to read
Thank you, thank you, thank you, all, for coming, blessings you be

Take the time to remember how special you are to me, others too
Take the day to gift yourself for the giving, tendered most worthy

A spreading smile, mind satisfied, love verified, heart validated: you!
Spread the word, pass it forward, and live well, goodwill to favored all

Tell everyone you meet today a Chinese is celebrating a birthday, honoring you!


Denny Lyon
Copyright 30 July 2008
All Rights Reserved


Coffee Photo by once and future @ flickr

Thanks for visiting! For more restored family photos of many generations (I love history and the faces that goes with it), visit my photo blog, Visual Insights, where there is a slide show of historical family photos going back to the early days of photography, the Civil War - and slide shows of some of my favorites from other photographers on flickr, go here.

Cheeky Quote Day! 1 April 2009

Image via Wikipedia

Photo of writer Fran Lebowitz.

April Fools Day AND Cheeky Quote Day: Blog Writer Wins Lottery!

In addition to the usual amusing quotes you have come to expect every Wednesday at The Social Poets...

And not one to let a holiday celebration like April Fools Day pass into oblivion without some historical commentary...

I spent some time over at the Museum of Hoaxes, chuckling over the many hoaxes people were actually gullible enough to believe. Be kind. These were our parents and grandparents! Imagine that. Some day your kids will be laughing at you while Karma stands to the side and nods his head in agreement with the philosophy of "what goes around comes around."

Featured today are quotes from American journalist Fran Lebowitz:

“Calling a taxi in Texas is like calling a rabbi in Iraq.”

“Polite conversation is rarely either.”

“Food is an important part of a balanced diet.”

“In the Soviet Union, capitalism triumphed over communism. In this country of America, capitalism triumphed over democracy.”

From a man who has been making the world laugh for decades:

“Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.”
- Bill Cosby, American comedian

Even the math guys can be funny:

"To punish me for my contempt for authority, fate made me an authority myself."
- Albert Einstein, math wiz, “ya think?”

***

Since it’s April Fools Day…

From the Museum of Hoaxes come some real grinners!

Drunk Driving on the Internet

Happened in 1994:

An article in PC Computing magazine written by John Dvorak described a bill going through Congress that would make it illegal to use the internet while drunk, or to discuss sexual matters over a public network.

The bill was supposedly numbered 040194 (i.e. 04/01/94), and the contact person was listed as Lirpa Sloof (April Fools backwards). The article said that the FBI was going to use the bill to tap the phone line of anyone who "uses or abuses alcohol" while accessing the internet.

Passage of the bill was felt to be certain because "Who wants to come out and support drunkenness and computer sex?" The article offered this explanation for the origin of the bill: "The moniker 'Information Highway' itself seems to be responsible for SB 040194, which is designed to prohibit anyone from using a public computer network (Information Highway) while the computer user is intoxicated. I know how silly this sounds, but Congress apparently thinks being drunk on a highway is bad no matter what kind of highway it is. The bill is expected to pass this month."

The article generated so many outraged phone calls to Congress that Senator Edward Kennedy's office had to release an official denial of the rumor that he was a sponsor of the bill.

***



The Left-Handed Whopper

Happened in 1998:

Burger King published a full page advertisement in USA Today announcing the introduction of a new item to their menu: a "Left-Handed Whopper" specially designed for the 32 million left-handed Americans.

According to the advertisement, the new whopper included the same ingredients as the original Whopper (lettuce, tomato, hamburger patty, etc.), but all the condiments were rotated 180 degrees for the benefit of their left-handed customers.

The following day Burger King issued a follow-up release revealing that although the Left-Handed Whopper was a hoax, thousands of customers had gone into restaurants to request the new sandwich. Simultaneously, according to the press release, "many others requested their own 'right handed' version."

***



The Swiss Spaghetti Harvest

Happened in 1957:

The respected BBC news show Panorama announced that thanks to a very mild winter and the virtual elimination of the dreaded spaghetti weevil, Swiss farmers were enjoying a bumper spaghetti crop. It accompanied this announcement with footage of Swiss peasants pulling strands of spaghetti down from trees.

Huge numbers of viewers were taken in. Many called the BBC wanting to know how they could grow their own spaghetti tree. To this the BBC diplomatically replied, "place a sprig of spaghetti in a tin of tomato sauce and hope for the best."

For full length article go here.

Go here for the actual historical video, most amusing since in 1957 most of the world didn’t know a thing about spaghetti, except my mother who was born in New York City and cooked it regularly much to the chagrin of the locals in Maine who thought it was weird at the time, becoming converts later like most of America.

***



For today’s generation of typographers and designers, check out the previous cheeky generation of pranksters. Once in a while newspaper guys are actually funny!

San Serriffe

Happened in 1977:

The British newspaper The Guardian published a special seven-page supplement devoted to San Serriffe, a small republic said to consist of several semi-colon-shaped islands located in the Indian Ocean.

A series of articles affectionately described the geography and culture of this obscure nation. Its two main islands were named Upper Caisse and Lower Caisse. Its capital was Bodoni, and its leader was General Pica.

The Guardian's phones rang all day as readers sought more information about the idyllic holiday spot. Only a few noticed that everything about the island was named after printer's terminology. The success of this hoax is widely credited with launching the enthusiasm for April Foolery that gripped the British tabloids in subsequent decades.

For the full length article go here.

Keep grinning through your work week!

New Blog Roll listings!

From Denny: Whew! The past week or so I've been busy searching and reading a whole lot of cool blogs all over the world to list over here. So many great choices, so little time... Be sure to scroll down past the posts to view them as I'm sure you will enjoy visiting them too.

What a pleasure it is to be able to write in real time for a change! Though my spelling and typos need work as I would have had this post out 20 minutes ago but for errors editing, sigh... :)


WRITING BLOGS addition:

From the Inside Out - creativity in both writing and painting from a cheerful productive person.


MUSINGS BLOGS:

Square-Peg Reflections - square peg living in a round hole world. Amusing, mellow writings on a range of subjects.

What I Just Read - book reviews and book lists, thoughts about authors.

a view to inspirations - jump starting your creativity!

A Year in Manhattan - photos and commentary of life in NYC.


SOCIAL ISSUES BLOGS :

Social Hallucinations - from Denmark on a range of interesting thoughts. The title alone is a grabber!




LIFE COACHING BLOGS:

Wings4You - geared to women

Acapella Soul Journey - creativity inspirations, more thorough take on developing your creativity.


TRAVEL BLOGS, a new category:

Tongue in Cheek - stories collected from a Californian American, married to a Frenchman and living in the south of France.

paris breakfasts - NYC artist on her trips to her beloved Paris, France. Lots of yummy abstract art to see!