Dishing out spicy liberal social commentary and critical thinking news analysis on America, world politics, the news, fun political humor, cartoons - and a little poetry by Independent journalist blogger Denny Lyon.
Check out some good political humor from the funny activists who attended the rally.
From Denny: What started as just a funny segment on The Daily Show grew into an actual rally that drew over 214,000 people. Glenn Beck's Fox News conservative August rally where he tried to compare himself to Jesus Christ and Martin Luther King only drew 85,000. The good news? Strong minds outnumber weak minds at political rallies in America. Well, that's one to celebrate.
There are a gazillion photos circulating the web from this funny rally that comedians Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert put together on the fly when they realized people really did want to attend an actual rally in Washington.
*** Comics have endless material ripped from true headlines, like Fox News creating controversy to keep from sinking lower in the news ratings.
From Denny: Fox News has been on a desperate mission to pump up their news ratings as they are an abysmal last, trailing far behind the big networks. So, what to do? Well, start spouting racist garbage in an effort to galvanize what's left of their crazed base before they get exiled to retirement homes as far away from their kids as their kids can send them.
Stewart enjoys demonstrating to Fox News opining pundits just how contradictory they truly are by pulling their own news clips. Ridiculous is as ridiculous does. Stewart visited the bizarre debate in this country about the planned mosque building that is near not on Ground Zero.
Of course, Stewart's favorite to lampoon is really odd Glenn Beck who worries about Imam Feisal Abdul Rauf, the man spearheading the project: "We don't know what he's planning to do in that cultural center." Roll tape and there is Imam Rauf actually sitting on the Fox News couch saying the same thing.
Stewart turns to British comic John Oliver to get his take on the controversial construction. Oliver pointed out that it's not a question of "right" or "wrong," but of "can" and "should." For example, "You can build a Catholic church next to a playground - but should you?"
*** Return to main post for more funny video links:
Roundup of Late Night Funnies - 23 Aug 2010 - Check out the latest jokes from late night comics this week, along with some of the most current cartoons and LOL funniest videos from the likes of Colbert and Stewart.
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*** Leave it to Jon Stewart to ferret out the campiest PSA done on bedbugs.
From Denny: This is a video clip of the segment called "Bed Bug & Beyond" from The Daily Show and Jon Stewart. Talk about strange. Famous Italian actress, Isabella Rossellini, stars in an avant-garde PSA that teaches us about the bed bug infestation. This PSA actually discusses bed bug sexual anatomy and fertility. Yeah, that's right. I told you this crazy video was campy.
*** Return to main post for more funny video links:
Roundup of Late Night Funnies - 23 Aug 2010 - Check out the latest jokes from late night comics this week, along with some of the most current cartoons and LOL funniest videos from the likes of Colbert and Stewart.
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*** Check out this week's funny late night jokes and latest cartoons lampooning politics to American culture, with a funny side dish of funny video clips thrown in to keep you grinning.
Fertility clinics in England say they are facing a nationwide donor shortage and are looking for international sperm donors. Finally a job Levi Johnston is actually qualified for.
According to U.S. and Iraqi commanders, if the U.S. pulls out of Iraq, their borders will be vulnerable and they won't be able to stop anyone from entering their country. Well, join the club.
President Obama may be willing to meet with Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. How does that make the governor of Arizona feel? The president won't meet with her, but a four-foot tall Holocaust-denier in a Members Only jacket? No problem.
The White House is defending President Obama's sports activities over the past week, saying that everyone needs leisure time. Thanks to these economic policies, 9.5 percent of Americans have all the leisure time they need.
The economy is so bad, the Obamas are thinking about taking their next vacation in the United States.
If anyone is looking for a job, there's an opening for a flight attendant at JetBlue. … Steven Slater, the famous JetBlue flight attendant, dropped so many F-bombs on that plane that he got a thumbs up from Joe Biden.
The New Orleans Saints visited the White House. They presented President Obama with a Saints jersey with the number 44, in honor of his approval rating.
A JetBlue flight attendant cursed out passengers, grabbed two beers, slid down the chute and took off. The pilots were furious. Those were their last two beers.
This flight attendant really went crazy. The good news: terrorists are now afraid to fly.
The New Orleans Saints visited the White House yesterday. That's an interesting switch, people from New Orleans visiting a disaster area.
Levi Johnston is running for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska. Ironically, many of the babies he'll kiss on the campaign trail will be his own.
President Obama announced this month that he created 70,000 new jobs. The bad news is, they are all vacation planners for him and his family.
The U.S. Postal Service reported a $3.5 billion loss in the last quarter, which established it as the federal government's most successful enterprise.
Plans are being finalized for Mexico's bicentennial. On Sept. 15, over 70 million Mexicans will celebrate, and that's just in Los Angeles.
From Jimmy Kimmel:
President Obama had a 24-hour vacation on the Gulf Coast of Florida. Some Republicans are attacking him for not staying longer. They have a point. President Bush used to vacation for weeks at a time.
The president was there to promote tourism in the Gulf. He even jumped into the Gulf to prove it was safe. Unfortunately, he did a cannonball right onto a pelican.
Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston have reaching a custody agreement. Neither of them is allowed to say anything bad about the other parent or the other parent’s family in front of Tripp. So basically nobody is allowed to speak in front of Tripp.
Everyone is talking about Steven Slater, the flight attendant who cursed at a passenger, grabbed two beers, and slid down the escape slide, in what may be the best resignation ever. In fact he's so good at quitting, they're thinking about making him the next governor of Alaska.
It could be the first time in history that someone has been arrested for going down an inflatable slide.
The Mexican Supreme Court ruled that all Mexican states must recognize same-sex marriages registered in Mexico City. So men can now marry in Mexico, but they still can't honeymoon in Arizona.
Levi Johnston is planning to run for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska. He really is trying as hard as he can to get shot by Sarah Palin, isn't he?
Mel Gibson's father is speaking out, claiming that the Pope is a homosexual. It might be a good time for the whole Gibson family to go to a monastery and take a vow of silence.
From Craig Ferguson:
In 'The Expendables,' Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger beat up Sylvester Stallone for convincing them to invest in Planet Hollywood.
Schwarzenegger was only in the movie for five minutes, but during that five minutes, he achieved more than in all his years as governor.
When Schwarzenegger heard the title 'The Expendables,' he thought it was in reference to California's teachers.
Health officials in Oregon have shut down a 7-year-old girl's lemonade stand because she didn't have a license. Officials haven't issued a statement yet. They're busy popping balloon animals and stomping on sand castles.
From Jimmy Fallon:
Al-Jazeera's English-speaking channel was nominated for an International Emmy. On the red carpet, Joan Rivers will be like, 'Who are you wearing? And why is it ticking?'
Levi Johnston is running for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska. The current mayor said Levi Johnston should get his high school diploma and keep his clothes on if he wants to win. And then Levi was like, 'Dude, he just told me how to win. What an idiot.'
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*** When a reporter like Helen Thomas becomes the news it's quite a mess. Leave it to the comics to lampoon the situation.
The giraffe looks over Helen's shoulder and says, "Bye bye, ol' girl, be seeing ya!"
From Denny: Poor Helen Thomas. She had a really bad senior moment this week and had to retire as a result of anti-Jew remarks. Or should I say pro-Palestinian remarks. When you look at the film clip she actually looks kind of spacey in the eyes and like she can't really hear what all was said. She looks like she bluffed her way through the exchange because she really didn't catch the full gist of the conversation. She might have been referring to when Israel was not a formalized country, like pre-1948. Frankly, she rambled and didn't make much sense, throwing out broken sentences.
She's a very old lady and obviously blew it. She can't keep up any more and she was past time to retire. She could probably still write in print as long as she has a minder-editor to strike out any gaffes. Anyway, Jon had fun lampooning her outrageous comments.
Jon Stewart takes on Helen Thomas' idiot anti-Jew remarks. He has fun lampooning the South Carolina race with all the crazy sex scandals, like a gay guy claiming he had sex with Haley, the female Republican candidate. What a funny respite from the harsh news of late! :)
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*** Glen Beck's constant stream of nonsensical remarks makes him an easy target for late night comics like Jon Stewart.
And from the giraffe corner looking over Glenn Beck's shoulder: Hunh?
From Denny: The latest bizarro words from Beck is he claims the only news network brave enough to air news footage of the Israeli raid on the Gaza aid boat was, you guessed it, Liar Fox News. His latest outrageous remark deserves a serving up from Jon Stewart's driving wit.
From Jon Stewart: Glenn Beck Airs Israeli Raid Footage
Nobody but Glenn Beck seems willing to show footage of Israeli commandos getting attacked by clubs during the flotilla raid.
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From Denny: Across The Pond they are ruthless on their outgoing leaders. Check out the mock interview Jon Stewart conducts with sarcastic funny man and Brit John Oliver. The first half of the clip is the set up for the funny interview. Oliver is so funny you will be smiling for days.
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From Denny: Jon Stewart is absolutely hilarious here. He highlights - and, of course, narrates - video clips from the Congressional hearings with the BP oil spill CEOs from BP, Halliburton and Transocean. Let the finger pointing begin!
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*** THANKS for visiting, feel welcome to drop a comment or opinion, enjoy bookmarking this post on your favorite social site, a big shout out to awesome current subscribers – and if you are new to this blog, please subscribe in a reader or by email updates!
From Denny: If only I could stay up late and watch all the late night comics all at once... The next best thing is to corral all their funny quips about the state of affairs in America and the world into one post. These guys are the social commentators of our time!
Included also are some of the latest (since Saturday) political cartoons just released with references to the sex crazed Republican National Committee, Earth Day and Arizona immigration.
Check out the latest Colbert Report video clips as he lampoons the new Arizona immigration bill and has some fun with the pot smoking community.
Thanks for stopping by for a visit and enjoy the start to your work week with a lots of laughs to keep you going until Friday blissfully arrives! :)
From Jay Leno:
One good thing came out of this volcano in Iceland. Economists say consumers can expect a huge drop in the price of lava lamps.
President Obama gave a speech in New York about his plans to reform the rules for Wall St. A lot of Wall St. executives were shaking in their boots when the president showed up. The bad news is, they were $800 Italian leather boots that were bought with our bailout money.
Happy Earth Day. To demonstrate their commitment, environmentalists all across the country risked their lives driving Toyota Priuses.
According to USA Today, 71 percent of American households have already filled out and returned their census. That's the good news. The bad news — they filled it out in Spanish.
President Obama met with Wall Street executives today. He told them to stop fighting this financial reform. But the Wall Street executives are kind of copping an attitude with the president. You know, I got an idea. Forget financial reform. Let's put them in prison. Call it prison reform. See how they like it then.
Oh, yeah. They don't want the government messing with their business unless it's a bailout. Then, 'Please!'
To give you an idea how popular President Obama is around the world — he's probably the most popular leader in the world — this is amazing. They opened a nightclub in China named after President Obama. It will be an Obama-themed nightclub. Here's the amazing thing — hasn't even opened yet and already $12 trillion in debt.
Well, the government said today Somali pirates being held in U.S. custody will be brought to the United States for prosecution, and they will be tried by a jury of their peers. So I'm guessing that's what, Goldman Sachs?
You see this on the news? Gay and lesbian activists chained themselves to the White House fence to protest the 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy. And when Republican Party officials saw the lesbians chaining themselves to the fence, out of force of habit, they paid $2,000 to watch.
A new study shows that fewer and fewer immigrants are sending money they earn here back home. They'd like to, but there's no one left at home. They all live here now. They just send it across the street.
This is rather disturbing. A government panel made up of all retired military personnel says that the school lunches are a threat to our national security because they make our kids too fat to serve the country. It's unbelievable. Remember the old days, when the Army wanted the best and the brightest? Now they're stuck with the biggest and the widest.
Here's something great. General Motors today paid back all the government loans five years ahead of schedule. Amazing what hard work, careful planning and Toyotas rolling over and crashing into trees can do for you.
And unemployment here in California, over 12 percent now. Give you an idea how bad it is, you know the best way to make money in California now? Marrying and divorcing Larry King.
Well, in an interview on the 'Today' show, Bill Clinton told Jenna Bush Hager, who is George Bush's daughter, that his only involvement in the planning of his daughter Chelsea's wedding is paying the bill. Although, since he's a Democrat, he doesn't actually pay the bill himself; he leaves it for future generations of Americans. But you get the idea.
For those of you visiting from Iceland, happy Ash Wednesday.
The British government sent a warship to France to bring home stranded Britons. There was an embarrassing moment — when the ship pulled up to the port, the French immediately surrendered.
The volcano was spewing out so much ash that now, the Catholic Church is saying it couldn't even see what it was doing wrong.
The giant cloud of ash over Amsterdam is so bad that you can't even see the giant cloud of hashish.
According to a top Iranian cleric, earthquakes and volcanoes are caused by women wearing immodest clothing. Or as most guys would call it: a fair trade-off.
President Obama and some prominent Democrats proposed a solution to the erupting volcano — they want to pour money into it.
Toyota is recalling 600,000 minivans because the spare tire holder can break and the spare tire can go flying down the highway. It's bad enough Toyota cars can run you off the road — now the parts are chasing you down the street.
*** Colbert lampoons the 4/20 pot smoking holiday, trying to kill their buzz. Colbert satirically warns that pot smoking could lead to awful tragedies like the music group Phish getting back together and other horrific occurrences.
A new poll found that a substantial number of Americans still aren't convinced that President Obama was born in the United States. Only 58 percent believe that Obama was born here, and 20 percent think he was born in another country. I don't believe Obama was born at all.
Vice President Biden appeared on 'The View.' They were trying to set the Guinness Record for most Botox on one couch. And they did, so congratulations.
Happy Earth Day to everyone. An estimated one billion people celebrate Earth Day. Al Gore, in particular, is wasted right now.
Yesterday was 4/20, known to stoners around the country as National Weed Day. There were pro-marijuana legalization rallies all around the country, especially here in California, where freedom fighters like this guy exercised their right to free speech vigorously. 'Here in the meadow, people were chilling out. Some, maybe too much. We're here just to have a bunch of fun in a field.' That's a good way to spend a Tuesday, while your parents are paying tuition.
The Fox network had their annual telethon 'Idol Gives Back.' I was hoping they would give back the hundreds of hours I've wasted watching 'American Idol.'
The new $100 bill was unveiled today. So if you have any old $100 bills, you can throw them away now.
The Supreme Court is hearing a case about 'sexting.' Apparently the justices of the Supreme Court are not up to date on technology. Chief Justice Roberts asked what is the difference between an e-mail and a pager. Justice Roberts is only 55 years old. He's young enough to be Larry King's next wife.
Today is April 20, which is like Christmas for pot-smokers. It all started in the 1700s when St. Patrick drove the stoners out of Ireland with a pack of Twinkies.
In celebration of 4/20, the volcano in Iceland is still smoking. And it just asked for Hot Pockets.
Travelers have been stranded in dozens of countries, but they're finally allowing flights to take off to countries that no one likes.
You know, a lot of people were flying and got delayed by the Icelandic volcano, and everybody is upset. They lost billions of dollars in revenue. And I said, 'O.K., it's kind of their fault. I mean to be flying during the volcano season, come on! Are you nuts? Really? Your own fault.'
Here is a story that is kind of perplexing: 221 years ago, George Washington went to the library here in New York, took out some books, never returned them. 221 years of overdue library fines. I tell you something, ladies and gentlemen, if you want to blame this economic crisis on a president, what about that guy?
Here's news now from the Supreme Court. Justice John Paul Stevens is retiring. He's in his 90s, Justice John Paul Stevens. Said he has had enough, wants to spend more time judging his family.
President Obama is here to announce his peace initiative for Mr. and Mrs. Larry King.
Justice John Paul Stevens is retiring. Don't worry, he's getting his own show on TBS.
Al Pacino is starring in a TV movie, where he plays Dr. Jack Kevorkian. Did they not even look at my audition tape? … Dr. Kevorkian was a killing machine. He pulled more plugs than Jay Leno.
Talking about air travel and the volcano. The good news, ladies and gentlemen, regular airline service is resuming. The bad news — regular airline service is resuming.
Is anyone here stranded because of the volcano? Well, that's what you get for traveling during volcano season.
Because of the volcano, the airlines lost $2 billion. Usually, all they lose is my luggage.
Because of the volcano in Iceland, thousands of travelers are stranded with no place to sleep, eat, or shower. This is the kind of thing that can really take the fun out of air travel.
"The name of the volcano is Eyjafjallajökull. It's the scariest thing out of Iceland since Björk in that swan outfit.
The volcano cloud is gritty ash and it's making its way toward Russia. In fact, Sarah Palin can see it from her house.
David Letterman's Top Ten Goldman Sachs Excuses
10. Huh?
9. You're saying 'fraud' like it's a bad thing
8. Planned on using money to buy everyone in America delicious KFC Double Down sandwich
7. Distraught over George Lopez's move to midnight
6. We were framed by evil menswear company Goldman Slacks
5. Since when are financial institutions not allowed to screw their customers?
4. Hey sport, how much to make these questions go away?
3. America needed a villain both Republicans and Democrats can hate
2. Everyone we ripped off got an 'I Got Cheated By Goldman Sachs' tote bag
1. Uhh, it's Obama's fault?
*** Colbert pokes jabs at the state of Arizonafor passing controversial bold new immigration bill which basically legalizes the harassment of Latinos. Colbert thinks the new strategy is one to irritate and frustrate the Latino community to the point they will get fed up and leave on their own.
Today the U.S. Treasury released its new $100 bill. It's the most high-tech piece of currency the world has ever seen — until Apple comes out with the '$100 bill Nano.'
Happy birthday to Jack Nicholson today, and also it's Earth Day. Planet Earth and Jack Nicholson are different, of course — one is a giant object ravaged by years of abuse and we're running out of time to save it, and the other one is Earth.
The movie 'Avatar' is out on DVD today. James Cameron wanted it to be released on Earth Day because nothing says 'save the planet' like millions of plastic DVD cases.
It's the 40th Earth Day, which is bad news for Earth. Once you get in your forties, your equator expands, your poles start to melt — soon you'll look as bad as Uranus.
Oama is getting his mojo back. Apparently, he's going to get this financial package. That's right, the financial package is going through. He got health care. He got that nuclear weapons treaty… He's on a roll and he's taunting his critics. His new slogan is, 'Change You Can Suck On.'
Arizona's Governor had been stalling, you know, on signing this. She said it did not reflect any ambivalence about the bill. She just wanted to make sure her pool was clean and her lawn was mowed before she signed. – on Arizona's immigration bill.
The entire rig sunk. Republicans in Washington today voted to lower flags to half staff in honor of the tragic loss of oil. - on the oil rig in The Gulf of Mexico
What is it with radical Muslims and cartoons? They watch more cartoons than pot-heads. – on the group threatening the "South Park" creators
The problem with the Tea Party movement, besides their almost universal rejection of dentistry, is that they want money for nothing and chicks for free. They want a deregulated free market and their jobs to stay here in the US; they want guaranteed health coverage regardless of preexisting conditions without a big government mandate; they want to call themselves tea baggers and people to keep a straight face. And of course they want big tax cuts along with deficit reduction. I can't even think of a suitable analogy for that disconnect – it's like thinking getting a handjob will clean your garage.
New Rule: Since the Icelandic volcano obviously needs a virgin sacrifice and the Catholic Church obviously needs new leadership the Pope must volunteer to jump in the volcano. Pontiff, don't think of it as endorsing paganism, think of it as supersizing Ash Wednesday. – in his "New Rules" segment
New Rule: If the water in your river makes the male fish grow vaginas, stay thirsty. 90% of Washington D.C.'s drinking water comes from the Potomac, a river so polluted with hormones it makes fish change sex. If I wanted to drink something that makes me grow a vagina, I'd order a wine cooler. – in his "New Rules" segment
From Seth Meyers:
This week Arizona signed the toughest illegal immigration law in the country, which would allow the police to demand identification papers from anyone they suspect is in the country illegally. I know there are some people in Arizona worried that Obama is acting like Hitler, but can we all agree that there's nothing more Nazi than saying, `Show me your papers?' There's never been a WWII movie that didn't include the line, `Show me your papers.' It's their catchphrase. Every time someone says `Show me your papers,' Hitler's family gets a residual check. So heads up Arizona, that's fascism. I know, I know, it's a dry fascism, but it's still fascism. - on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
From Jon Stewart:
Look I'm sorry I told you to go f**k yourself last week (and that other time, like, six months ago.) I know that I criticize you and Fox News a lot, but only because you're truly a terrible, cynical, disingenuous news organization.
Fox News: You are the lupus of news.
And with a nod to Groundhog Phil who predicted six more weeks of winter this year: Everyone knows if a Republican comes out of the closet and sees a gay shadow, it means six more years of a Democratic administration.
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From Denny: And here they are in all their glory discussing the passage of the health care bill, the Tea Party, the mishandling - again - by the Catholic Church of yet more sex scandals, this time in Europe, our crazy American politics and even the Census. Enjoy the three video clips from Jon Stewart and Jimmy Fallon. Have a great work week! Oh, and wishing you a very Happy Easter! Try not to pig out on those rich chocolate bunnies... (save some for me)
From Jay Leno:
According to Men's Health magazine, 21 percent of men surveyed would rather have a sexier nurse than a more competent doctor when they're in the hospital. I say, why not have both? The government's paying for it now. Who cares?
Sarah Palin spoke out this week against the health care reform bill, saying, 'Elections have consequences.' Well, of course, elections have consequences. That's why right now, instead of being vice president of the United States, she's trying to get a reality show on the Animal Planet.
They're now looking into whether cosmic rays from outer space could be responsible for causing Priuses to accelerate. What, is Toyota blaming Klingons now?
Well, today, President Obama signed the landmark health care reform bill into law, or as President Obama refers to it, 'The Rush Limbaugh Deportation Act.'
President Obama, boy, he's feeling like a Toyota driver today. There's no stopping him.
I'll tell you how excited the president is. Today, he changed his slogan from 'Yes, we can,' to 'Yes, we finally did something.'
Of course, the White House is now denying it made any side deals with members of Congress to pass this bill. See, I don't know if that's true. Did you see Mount Rushmore today? They're adding Dennis Kucinich's face to it.
Of course, this all couldn't have been done without the help of Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. And today, the president thanked her for her unblinking support.
Actually, Nancy Pelosi used the Internet to help gain support for this. She reached out to people on her favorite social networking site, Icantmovemyfacebook.com.
And to help sell this plan to the American people, President Obama said it's the same plan Congress has. See, I think that's a mistake. I think that's why a lot of people opposed it. Have you seen members of Congress? Do they look healthy to you? Anybody here want to be as fat as Barney Frank? Huh? You want to be as orange as John Boehner? I don't think so.
And of course, a lot of right wingers are very upset about this because they believe this health care bill will cost a lot of money. You know what I think? Just pretend it's another unnecessary war. You'll feel better about it already.
And over the weekend, tens of thousands of illegal immigrants rallied across the country demanding a path to citizenship. Don't we have a path to citizenship? It's called the San Diego Freeway.
And the Pentagon is changing Army basic training for the first time in 30 years to deal with the fact that so many new recruits are so overweight. In fact, the Army's new slogan, 'Don't ask, no seconds.'
A lot of upsets over the weekend. Kansas lost to Northern Iowa. Georgetown lost to Ohio. Republicans lost to the Democrats.
Well, as you know, health care reform was passed by the House last night. Supporters of the bill say the American people now get the same health benefits members of Congress get, which is great. See, if we can just get some of those other perks — the free travel, the envelopes with the cash in them, the get-out-of-jail-free cards — oh, all of that could be great.
You know, not a single Republican voted for the health care bill. They claim the U.S. government isn't qualified to be in the health care business. Hey, kept Dick Cheney alive the last 30 years. It's got to be worth something.
Do you know who's going to be in charge of health care? The IRS No, this is true. The IRS will be in charge of enforcing the new health care laws. You thought you hated getting audited by the government? Wait until they're in charge of your prostate exam, O.K.?
And we're getting more details on what happened in the White House after the vote. In fact, the minute it passed, Joe Biden, he was speechless. So, right there, the bill is already paying dividends.
And before the vote, protesters on Capitol Hill heckled Nancy Pelosi. But she managed to keep a stiff upper lip, as well as a tightly stretched forehead, and an unnaturally arched eyebrow.
President Obama said last night this proves this is a government of the people, and by the people, except for the 55 percent of the people who opposed him.
See, and the nice thing is, if you lose your job, you know, you're still covered, which is great news for the Democrats in November.
And Defense Secretary Robert Gates announced, for the first time in the Navy's history, women will be allowed to serve on submarines. See, the problem before was they didn't want men and women spending time together in such unbelievably cramped quarters. And then they realized, 'Wait a minute, it's no different than flying Southwest.'
According to a new Gallup poll, Congress's approval rating is at an all-time low, 16 percent. Only 16 percent of Americans think Congress is doing a good job. The other 84 percent didn't get any bailout money.
And the famous jeweler, Tiffany & Company, announced their fourth-quarter profits were quadruple what they were this time last year. Experts say it's either a sign the economy is improving or more guys are getting caught cheating.
Bernard Madoff was assaulted back in November in a prison dispute over money. The authorities are investigating the attack and have narrowed the suspects down to 'everybody.'
Jon Stewart's Best Tea Bagger Moments - or How Odd The News Is These Days:
Oh, hey, are you ready for the 2010 census? It's going to be complicated this year. So the government should have patience. Here's part of the problem: Most Americans count as two.
Have you filled out a census form? Here's the deal: 10 questions in 10 minutes. That's what they're saying. Coincidentally, that is how John McCain chose his running mate.
You got to count everybody in your household for the census. Right now, Angelina Jolie is going through the place with one of those clickers.
You people are in such a great mood. I really appreciate it because on a day like this, it's lousy weather. Here in New York City, it was 49 and gloomy. You know, like Glenn Beck.
Are you folks happy about the health care bill reform that the Congress has passed? Some people are unhappy about it. A lot of people unhappy about it. Here are two reasons I'm unhappy about it. One, I love paying huge money for health care. And the other thing, I used to love driving to Canada to buy cheap drugs. I loved that, too. I am steamed.
This has been very divisive. The Republicans are thinking: 'O.K., all right. We didn't think this was going to go the way it went. Now we really got to get something together. We have to put our heads to this.' They've come up with a great plan that they think has legislative viability to repeal the health care reform bill. You know what it is? Four words. Four words: Hot tub time machine.
How about basketball? Anybody here suffering from March Madness? Well, don't worry. It's covered by the new health care plan.
Don't let people lie to you. We're not out of this recession. Anybody here think we're out of the recession? No, we're not out of it. We have no money. No jobs. The recession is still going strong. More trouble for the United States economy. The U.S. debt now may lose its triple-A rating. And I said to myself, 'Well, who cares what the auto club thinks?'
You know what's coming up is the 2010 Census form. You have to pick up your Census form. There will be some changes. First of all, when you hear the Census, you think, oh, please, mind your own business. But you can't have that attitude. You've got to pick up the Census form and fill it out. There's changes in the form this year. For example, under gender you have your choice — male, female, or gaga. It's a third category.
You have to include everybody in your house. For example, you must include people, even people who just sleep part-time in your house. They have to be included on the Census form. Like Sandra Bullock's husband.
Yesterday in Washington, D.C., history was made. Congress actually worked on a Sunday.
Congress passed the health care reform bill. Well, that was easy.
A lot of people are unhappy about the health care bill. Americans love paying sky-high medical bills. That's the problem.
And the Democrats were thrilled, as you can guess. And they got a little rowdy, as Democrats can do. They tipped over Rush Limbaugh.
From Jimmy Fallon:
Jersey Shore' is premiering in 30 different countries this week. It will be shown in France, except in France it's called 'Another Reason to Hate America.'
I was reading today that the whole healthcare fight took a big toll on Nancy Pelosi's popularity. Her favorability rating is down to 11 percent, making her the most disliked woman in America with less than eight kids.
Porn star Devon 'Triple X' James says that Tiger Woods paid her to have sex back in 2006. Hopefully this situation will make parents think twice before raising their daughters with the middle name 'Triple X.'
After signing the health care bill, Obama hugged Nancy Pelosi, twice. He called her one of the best speakers the House has ever had. And then he called Harry Reid one of the best majority leaders the Senate has ever had. Obama is either really excited about health care or totally wasted. 'I love you. I'm serious. You're the best. You guys are the best.'
Hawaii wants to be the location for President Obama's presidential library because that's where he was born and raised. But really, when you go to Hawaii, the first thought that comes to your mind is, 'I got to hit the library,' isn't it? So, it's kind of perfect.
Jimmy Fallon weights the pros and cons of the new health care just passed:
From Bill Maher:
The Democrats need 216 vote to pass health care reform. So you know, they have these little charts. And in the latest count, seven Democrats who were against it have now flipped. Four, after arm twisting by Obama. And three after tickling by Eric Massa.
People on the inside, you know with the inside information, say it does look good for the Democrats. Because, you know, they have this little inside stuff. They found out Nancy Pelosi called her plastic surgeon to ask if her smile would be ready for Sunday.
There’s a Congressman from Georgia named Paul Broun. He said, I’m not making this up, he said if Obama-care passes, that insurance card in your wallet is gonna be as worthless as the Confederate dollar after the Great War of Yankee Aggression … Is it OK now to call Republicans a bunch of crazy crackers?"
Netanyahu, the Prime Minister of Israel, his brother-in-law accused President Obama of being anti-Semitic. And Obama handled it gracefully. He said if I’m anti-Semitic, how come I bailed out all those Jew bankers?
New Rule: Stop worrying that crackpots are inserting their dogma into Texas schoolbooks. Sure, replacing Thomas Jefferson with Phyllis Schlafly is troubling, but it’s Texas. The only use Texans have for textbooks is to sit on them so they can get a better view of the football game. The last person to even notice Texas had schoolbooks was Lee Harvey Oswald.
From Craig Ferguson:
James Cameron, who directed 'Avatar,' is in a feud with Glenn Beck, because Cameron called him a mad man. The two are very different. One makes millions creating fictional stories, and the other is James Cameron.
The rising sea levels in the Indian Ocean have caused an island to vanish. Yesterday, Ben and Jerry were giving away free ice cream and today, global warming causes an island to disappear. It's a terrible rollercoaster week for Al Gore — so happy, but so alarmed.
What kind of a day is it for you? Because I think it is a great day for America! It is. And I'll tell you why. Because all day today Ben & Jerry's was giving out free ice cream. And Starbucks was giving out free pastries. Everybody's getting cocky now that there's free health insurance. Eat what you like. Diabetes? Who cares?
Jimmy Fallon's parody on VP Joe Biden's remark about how the passage of the health care bill is "a big f***ing deal!":
From Jimmy Kimmel:
Former Presidents Bill Clinton and George W. Bush traveled to Haiti this week to talk about the country's long-term recovery plan. It was a departure for President Bush. It's unusual for him to visit a disaster of this scope and magnitude that wasn't his fault.
President Obama won one of the great — they're calling it — the 'great legislative victories of the last 50 years' last night. He won health care reform approval to extend coverage to millions of uninsured Americans, or as the Republicans are calling it 'Armageddon.' Personally, I think it's great. Maybe now, I can finally get a gynecologist to see me.
Anti-health care reform protesters outside the Capitol were downright vicious. They yelled the N-word at black legislators, they yelled the F-word at gay legislators, they yelled the W-word at Latino legislators. It was like the Sesame Street of hate.
Tonight was the season premiere of season 10 of 'Dancing with the Stars.' It's a smaller cast, including Buzz Aldrin, whose wife commented on his chances to win. 'I don't think people realize Buzz is a risk-taker.' They don't? He went to the moon, you know, first. In a Toyota, by the way.
Buzz Aldrin, by the way, is 80 years old. How crazy would it be if one of the first men on the moon was killed in a dancing accident?
An entire day has passed since the healthcare reform was enacted, and the country has not been destroyed. You really can't trust politicians.
This morning, President Obama signed into law the health care bill that was passed by the House of Representatives on Sunday. The Republican Party is not happy about the bill. Senator John McCain told a radio show yesterday that the bill was done in quote, 'the most unsavory Chicago sausage-making' that he's seen in all his years. First of all, I can say from experience that there is nothing unsavory about Chicago sausage. It couldn't be more savory, in fact. And that's not a liberal or conservative point of view. That's an American statement right there, a fat American statement.
McCain also said that there will be no cooperation from Republicans for the rest of the year. So that should be good for the country.
What a shame to see all that cooperating end, you know? This is like the coyote announcing he's no longer cooperating with the road runner.
This is kind of crazy. I don't know if I believe this. A new Harris poll found that 57 percent of Republicans believe President Obama is a Muslim — 57 percent. 45 percent believe he was not born in the United States. 38 percent feel he's, quote, 'doing many of the things that Hitler did.' And 24 percent believe he may be the Antichrist. Oh, like Oprah would date the Antichrist.
That's ridiculous: 38 percent believe he's like Hitler? How is that possible? He doesn't even have a mustache. How could he be like Hitler? Did Hitler play basketball? No, seriously, did Hitler play basketball?
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From Denny: Whew! The health care reform bill is finally passed in the House. The next four years as the changes come into our lives should prove interesting. We all know the insurance companies are going to find something to penalize us with yet again.
Look what the big banks did with the credit card bill that was passed 18 months ago. Our lives have been a living nightmare. People with good credit standing and high scores have been raked over the coals with high fees, lowered credit lines and outright denial of credit - all for no good reason other than the banks want to keep the public monies for their quarterly profits and to pay off greedy CEOs.
Yeah? Well, Lady Karma is no longer holding back or playing nice. Turns out there is a bill snaking its way through Congress to start breaking up big banks since they have proven to be such a terror. Get ready for the next big public fight. The drama is on and you can't escape into another room as the lying TV ads follow, screaming at high pitch volume. Of course, there is supposed to be a new law out about that high volume ad business. Let me know when the feds are hiring for enforcers. Sign me up! :)
The comics have been having fun with the Saint Patrick's Day jokes the past week. Then they regularly trot out health care quips. Even though the bill has passed, somehow we all know the health care jokes will continue.
As to funny videos, Colbert ridicules the anti-census folks. If you have already received your census form, fill it out. Unless you have the fifth Army living with you, it's a snap and doesn't ask anything too personal like your income. Besides, you have to give the Democrats some kind of ammunition to redraw those crazy bizarre districts that look like jigsaw puzzles courtesy of the Republicans creating new ways to increase their power.
Colbert also went after the Texas School Board of Education and his buddy ol' Newt Gingrich. They are both hoping to enrich their wallets by placing conservative fantasy textbooks into the public schools they don't believe should exist or be paid for by the taxpayer in the first place. The way they are able to influence beyond Texas is because of the lame textbook publishers. They see a large order in Texas and then ramp up and offer it nationally, thinking it's popular. Creepy, isn't it?!
And Jon Stewart went 15 minutes long on parodying Glenn Beck. Beck must really get under the guy's skin. Either that or Beck is everyone's favorite villain.
The very last cartoon about Obama vs. Israel is my personal favorite of the week. Enjoy the funnies and have a great work week! And hey! If you enjoy this post, how about throwing it up on your favorite social site, even email to your friends, much appreciated!
Yesterday was St. Patrick's Day. Republicans are now working on declaring March 18 as St. Obama Day. They want to honor the president for driving all the Democrats out of Washington.
Ohio Congressman Dennis Kucinich announced he will change his no vote and he will vote yes on health care. Now, I don't want to imply he made a deal, but he announced it at Cleveland's new Airport, which is right next to the Dennis Kucinich Highway and the new Dennis Kucinich Middle School.
Yesterday, President Obama appeared on Fox News to pitch his health care. Obama was on Fox. That's like George W. Bush being on The Learning Channel.
And 80-year-old Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens said he's considering retirement, either that or playing for the Minnesota Vikings next season.
PepsiCo announced it will voluntarily remove all high-calorie sweetened drinks from schools — no more sugary drinks in schools. This is part of their new program, 'Leave No Child With a Bigger Behind.'
Today we celebrate Saint Patrick, the guy that drove all of the Toyotas out of Ireland.
To celebrate Saint Patrick's Day, President Obama spoke with the wee Dennis Kucinich.
Continental Airlines has begun charging customers for seats with extra leg room. It's just an illusion. After your wallet becomes thinner, you can sit further back in the seat.
The American College of Cardiology says that over-exercise can be as bad for your heart as no exercise at all. This could affect nearly two Americans.
Toyota is starting to fight back. Today, they cast doubt on the story of that guy — remember the guy last week that said his Prius accelerated out of control on the freeway? They said they found significant inconsistencies in his story. And let me tell you something, that's embarrassing when a car dealer calls you a liar.
Now, if you're on the freeway, you know how to tell if a Prius next to you is out of control? Here's how you tell. If you look over and the driver's face goes from that smug, 'I'm saving the environment' look, to the frightened, 'get me the hell out of here' look, that's kind of how you know.
Colbert Blasts Beck And Bachmann For Anti-Census Stance:
And I'm sure you remembered to turn your clock ahead an hour, unless, of course, you're a Democrat working on health care. Then you might want to turn it back a year and start all over again.
You know, I was thinking about this health care problem. If you took all the money the Republicans have spent to stop health care and all the money Democrats have spent trying to get health care, we could afford health care.
In an interview in GQ magazine, John Edwards's mistress said she slept with him on the first day they met, but she wasn't his mistress, she was just playing the role. And, apparently, the audition went so well, she got the job!
Rielle Hunter told GQ that she will love John Edwards until death do us part, to which Elizabeth Edwards said, 'You know, I can arrange that.'
She also said in the interview she did not consider the money she got every month from the Edwards campaign as hush money. Well, duh. Once you give an interview, it's no longer hush money. It's now considered down-the-drain money.
Thank you for coming on the Ides of March. You know, this is March 15. It was on this day in 44 B.C., Julius Caesar met his end. He was stabbed in the back by members of the Senate, ironically, while pleading for health care.
Well, President Obama, turning up the pressure on Congress to pass this health care reform. In fact, he's telling Democrats, if they don't vote for this bill, he will go out and campaign for them in November.
It seems The Journal of Neurology reports that the longer you smoke, the less likely you are to develop Parkinson's disease. So what are they telling us? Follow me guys. Remember, a couple of months ago, doctors said drinking a glass of alcohol every day was good for your heart. Smoking prevents Parkinson's disease. Marijuana is good for glaucoma. Sex is good for your prostate. You know, screw health care. Let's party!
And in his speech to the Export-Import Bank's annual gathering, President Obama announced that he will establish two brain trusts to double U.S. exports over the next five years. You know what our leading export is right now? Jobs.
Hey, learning more and more about that homegrown terrorist, that woman, Colleen LaRose, also known as Jihad Jane. They're calling her the most dangerous person to come out of Pennsylvania since Ben Roethlisberger.
And in World News, the tension between the White House and Israel is at its highest level in 30 years. Israel wants to build more houses in its territory, and the Obama administration wants them torn down. Here's the solution: You build the houses, but let Countrywide give everybody an adjustable rate mortgage. They'll be foreclosed on and out of there by July.
And as part of an art project, 31 life-sized nude male statues will be set up all around Manhattan. They're so lifelike, former Congressman Eric Massa tried to tickle three of them.
Well, in Toyota's defense, there are allegations that the driver of that runaway Prius in San Diego may have faked it. The guy claims he couldn't stop a runaway Prius? Come on. Tiger Woods's wife stopped a runaway Cadillac Escalade with a 9-iron, O.K.?
Colbert has paid special attention to the Texas State Board of Education's recent decision to amend history text-books to correct what they perceived as liberal bias. The changes include criticisms of LBJ's Great Society, a defense of McCarthyism, and perhaps most controversial, a chapter about this one time when George Washington said having sex with members of the Texas Board of Education makes you "creatively expel" diamonds:
You guys excited for March Madness? Had some great matchups so far. B.Y.U. versus Florida. Old Dominion versus Notre Dame. Obama versus Fox News.
This is pretty cool. One of President Obama's childhood friends just found a photo of Obama as a schoolboy, taken more than 40 years ago. It's just him and some kids playing little Barack's favorite school game, 'give the speech.'
Obama was a great ballplayer when he was a kid, but naturally, the other team never let him pass anything.
It was a beautiful day here in New York for the Saint Patrick's Day parade — over 60 degrees outside! I guess it's just that old 'Luck o' the Global Warming.'
In Irish lore, leprechauns hide their pots of gold at the end of the rainbow. But here in New York, things are a little different — at the end of the rainbow, there's just a gay bar.
Ohio Congressman Dennis Kucinich announced that he will vote for President Obama's healthcare bill. The one condition is that Obama had to carry him on his shoulders so he could see the Saint Patrick's Day Parade.
President Obama went on Fox News tonight to pitch his plan for healthcare reform. Obama going on Fox News? That's like John Edwards going on 'The Marriage Ref.'
You guys see the 'GQ' pictures of John Edwards' mistress, Rielle Hunter? Today, she called them 'repulsive', and says she trusted 'GQ''s photographer to take classy photos. Yeah, because anytime I'm on a bed in nothing but dress shirt and underwear next to a Dora the Explorer doll, I think, 'This is gonna look classy.'
C-SPAN is uploading 23 years of video on the Internet. Or if you want to get the sensation of watching 23 years of C-SPAN, just watch 2 minutes of C-SPAN.
In his weekly radio and Internet address, President Obama called for an overhaul of the 'No Child Left Behind' law. It will now be called 'The World Needs Janitors, Too.'
President Obama talked about health care reform at a senior center in Strongsville, Ohio, today. The most common question he got: 'When's bingo?'
I don't know if you saw this yesterday on 'Meet the Press.' Tom Brokaw referred to health care reform as a 'kerfuffle.' You thought passing health care was hard; 10 times harder for Brokaw to pronounce 'kerfuffle.'
Mayor Bloomberg has done a remarkable job. Yesterday, he was twice mistaken for a leprechaun.
Tax time is right around the corner. My accountant says I could save a lot of money if I move the show to the Canary Islands.
Congress is getting ready to vote on President Obama's health care bill. It's going to be a close vote. The House Democrats say it could be a real tickle fight.
Sarah Palin, out in Arizona, is campaigning with John McCain. He's running for Senate re-election. They're campaigning together out there. I thought, yeah, I mean, there's an unbeatable combination.
Everybody changed their clocks this weekend for daylight savings. So you move it ahead. And even the Taliban move their clocks ahead. They moved it up to the 11th century. So that's good.
Well here's something interesting. And I guess this goes with the job. President Obama announced over the weekend that he gets 20,000 letters a day calling him an idiot. And I said, 'Hey, welcome to the club.' ... I said to myself, 'Well hey, maybe I am presidential material.' ... But in all fairness, a lot of those letters come from Dick Cheney.
David Letterman's Top Ten Signs You Spend Too Much Time On Twitter
10. You miss son's soccer game waiting for Lady Gaga to post what she had for lunch
9. You answer the phone: "Twello?"
8. You've spent millions developing iPhone waterproofing technology so you can tweet in the shower
7. You haven't touched your CB radio in months
6. You ask yourself, "What would Jesus tweet?"
5. You sleep-tweet
4. No No. 4 — writer on Twitter
3. You stopped paying attention to this list after the first 140 characters
2. Even Ashton Kutcher thinks you tweet too much
1. Walked in on the landscaper "retweeting" your wife.
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