Dishing out spicy liberal social commentary and critical thinking news analysis on America, world politics, the news, fun political humor, cartoons - and a little poetry by Independent journalist blogger Denny Lyon.
*** When a reporter like Helen Thomas becomes the news it's quite a mess. Leave it to the comics to lampoon the situation.
The giraffe looks over Helen's shoulder and says, "Bye bye, ol' girl, be seeing ya!"
From Denny: Poor Helen Thomas. She had a really bad senior moment this week and had to retire as a result of anti-Jew remarks. Or should I say pro-Palestinian remarks. When you look at the film clip she actually looks kind of spacey in the eyes and like she can't really hear what all was said. She looks like she bluffed her way through the exchange because she really didn't catch the full gist of the conversation. She might have been referring to when Israel was not a formalized country, like pre-1948. Frankly, she rambled and didn't make much sense, throwing out broken sentences.
She's a very old lady and obviously blew it. She can't keep up any more and she was past time to retire. She could probably still write in print as long as she has a minder-editor to strike out any gaffes. Anyway, Jon had fun lampooning her outrageous comments.
Jon Stewart takes on Helen Thomas' idiot anti-Jew remarks. He has fun lampooning the South Carolina race with all the crazy sex scandals, like a gay guy claiming he had sex with Haley, the female Republican candidate. What a funny respite from the harsh news of late! :)
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*** Feeling stressed or bored? Check out some funny political cartoons, funny Colbert videos and a roundup of funny jokes from the late night comics this week.
From Denny: And we are sending in the air troops to spy on BP in the Gulf to report back to the President about their latest weasel lies of what they claim to be doing and aren't. Lady Karma can be a real bitch for multi-national company CEOs like BP's Tony Hayward. Guess he will have to forego his lucrative bonus this quarter. The word is from Huffington Post that BP is losing billions of dollars every week.
Awwww... everyone raise their hand who feels sorry for little Tony who "wants his life back." Uh, yeah, and so do several thousand other people on the Gulf Coast from Louisiana to Mississippi to Alabama to Florida. And the rest of the nation is also thrilled Hayward is so sensitive to the environment, the once pristine beaches, the great vacation spots formerly known as beautiful and clean.
The continued insensitivity of Hayward is astounding. Today he tried to say it was not his toxic banned-in-the-UK-for-10-years dispersant that caused sudden onset of serious respiratory illnesses in thousands of clean up workers. He blamed it on food poisoning. This guy is one cold hearted rat bastard.
The reality is from the oil industry is that oil relief wells generally take 10 months to complete. And that's without facing down a predicted violent hurricane season in the Gulf. There are seven hurricanes predicted to be a category three or greater - like the one that hit and drowned New Orleans.
The other ugly reality is that as this well continues to gush oil there is only so much space in the Gulf before the currents begin taking it up the Eastern seaboard and destroy oyster beds and fishing on the Atlantic Coast. That same current goes over to Britain and the European coast. If this thing goes on long enough we could have one very sick and dying ocean.
Again, Mr. President, why are the Super Tankers not out in the Gulf sucking up the oil as it gushes out of the ocean floor? There is no reason for clean up on a smaller scale as you have been doing. Get BP a minder, like Shell Oil, to instruct and watch over their shoulders as they work - and make BP pay for it. BP has hundreds of safety violations compared to a handful for other oil companies. Clearly, they are reckless cowboys.
While it's great you have moved to criminal prosecution this will not quell the anger on the Gulf Coast. What we want is a huge clean up operation far beyond what is going on right now. Get serious about freezing at least $15 billion of BP's assets before they decide to move their monies or go into bankruptcy. Do not delay or poke your head into the sand. If you ignore the obvious then Lady Karma will only kick you in your assets and the American public will hang you out to dry.
Fortunately, during this wait-and-see-what-the-business-and-political-idiots-will-try-next-time, there is good ol' Colbert and his wonderful mock 'em all sense of humor. Check out his funny video clips and what the late night comics have to say about the state of America and the world. We all know you will remember this better than any facts in a history book.
Well, folks, here's the latest update. I guess this is good news. BP officials say the 'top kill' plan is working. The bad news — BP officials are a bunch of lying weasels.
British Petroleum is still trying to minimize the PR damage. You know what they said today? They said all the oil that spilled this month is on the house. No charge.
Obama looked pretty mad, if you watched his press conference today. President Obama said the head the Federal agency in charge of regulating the oil company is no longer there, but he didn't know if she resigned or if she was fired. Didn't know if she resigned or was fired. I got a better idea. How about arrested? Let's try that.
"Earlier today, British Petroleum began this operation known as 'top kill,' which comes on the heels of their previous operations, 'fish kill' and 'bird kill.'" –Jay Leno
And now, here's something that's going to get a lot of people upset. It turns out according to a report by the Interior Department Inspector General, employees of the Federal agency that inspects these offshore oil rigs accepted gifts from the oil companies. And you know who arranged the payoffs? Fergie.
According to a White House report, President Obama becoming more and more frustrated by this whole oil leak thing. He lost his temper today. He reportedly yelled at people, 'Plug the damn hole!' That's the same thing he says whenever Joe Biden starts talking.
President Obama announced yesterday he plans to send 1,200 troops to the U.S.-Mexican border. You know who we should hire to protect our border? It's so simple. Mexicans. They want jobs, they're there already.
Hey, today is National Tap Dancing Day. Yes, this is the day we honor BP executives trying to explain the gulf oil disaster.
One of the big gambling Web sites published odds on what species would be the first to become extinct from the oil spill. Unbelievable. You know the odds-on favorite? Democrat.
Sarah Palin has now weighed in on the gulf oil spill. Finally, the voice of reason. She said that President Obama should grasp the complexity of the situation. Sarah Palin giving advice on complexity. What, was Snooki from 'Jersey Shore' unavailable?
Oh man, and the stock market. Another bad day. The market is so bad, BP had to lay off 15 senators.
In Idaho, Republican Congressional candidate Vaughn Ward is in trouble after he was caught plagiarizing a famous speech by Barack Obama. When they asked this guy if he thought he could get away with this, you know what he said? 'Yes, we can! Yes, we can! Yes, we can!'
And over the weekend, at the Shanghai World Expo, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton passed out teddy bears to Chinese children. The kids politely accepted the bears even though, you know, they made them.
Well, folks, it seems that oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, much worse than British Petroleum first reported. You know how bad it is? Yesterday, I checked the oil in my car, had seawater on it.
And because of the ocean currents, experts say oil from the Gulf could easily spread up the East Coast all the way to the Carolinas. In fact, today, people in North Carolina said they hadn't seen anything this slick and slimy since the John Edwards campaign.
And last week, Mexican President Felipe Calderóne spoke at the White House. He called for a ban on assault weapons, and he also wanted to know why do we keep calling Taco Bell Mexican food?
Calderóne also lashed out against Arizona's new immigration law. To give you an idea of how serious he is, he is calling for Mexicans to boycott sneaking into this country until that law is repealed.
At the White House, speaking last week, a rodent ran in front of President Obama as he stood at the podium. In fact, the rat was picked up on the microphone going, 'How do I get off this sinking ship?'
Another bad day for the stock market. The stock market is bad. It's so bad, for a lot of brokers now, there's a half-hour waiting line to get on the ledge.
Oh, and scientists in Maryland say they have created the first ever synthetic cell. They say their goal is to create a life form that can withstand lead products from China, volcanic ash from Iceland and contaminated water from the Gulf of Mexico.
And a Montana man has admitted that he killed a bald eagle, but his alibi is he thought it was a porcupine. How blind do you have to be to mistake a bald eagle for a porcupine? Anyway, the guy pleaded guilty so he could get back to his regular job inspecting oil rigs.
BP is saying that the oil leak is bigger than they estimated. In a related story, the executives at BP are far bigger idiots than we estimated.
A very embarrassing moment for Connecticut Attorney General Richard Blumenthal, who was running for the Senate. He's the guy who lied about his war record. He was overheard telling his wife, 'After the campaign, let's take a vacation and go somewhere I've never been.' She said, 'How about Vietnam?'
A family values conservative Republican from Indiana, Mark Souder, has admitted to having an affair with a woman on his staff. Apparently Souder would take this woman to remote locations inside state parks and have sex with her. See, this is what Republicans mean when they talk about opening up our public lands for drilling.
Lakers Coach Phil Jackson is coming under fire for some comments he made in support of Arizona's immigration law. He's a basketball coach. He can take a tough stand on immigration. Try doing that with a baseball team. There wouldn't be anybody left.
There was a big state dinner at the White House last night in honor of Mexican President Felipe Calderón. The Mexican president pointed out that he and President Obama have a lot in common. He said they are both presidents of two beautiful countries, they're both left-handed, and they both preside over 40 million Mexican people.
The U.S. Navy announced this week they are now using sea lions to fight terrorism. They did a drill this week where they hid a bomb underwater. A trained sea lion found the bomb in less than a minute. The bad news? He then balanced the bomb on his nose, threw it back at the trainer.
In Supreme Court news, the Elena Kagan confirmation hearings will begin around June 28. I guess they have to wait until softball season's over.
And in Connecticut, Attorney General Dick Blumenthal's campaign is now saying there are only four times that Blumenthal said he served in Vietnam when he really didn't. That's what politics has come down to now, when your campaign slogan is, 'I only lied four times.'
Blumenthal said he is not apologizing for misleading people about his war record. He said all he did was use the word 'in' instead of the word 'during.' He insists he just 'misspoke.' You know, like using the word 'misspoke' instead of the word 'lying.'
Well, Memorial Day weekend is ahead. I know it's only Wednesday, but you want to get a jump on being stuck at the airport for 24 hours.
Memorial Day is the day we honor military heroes with a mattress blowout sale at Sleepy's.
Ladies and gentlemen, this week is the 25th anniversary of Fleet Week, which is early this year, because the people in the Navy and the Coast Guard all wanted to get to the harbor before the oil slick did.
You starting to get sick about the economy again? I was talking to my broker today. And he said: 'Don't worry. Everything's going to be fine.' Then the prison guards took him away.
This is the end of the big TV viewing season. For example, 'Lost,' that's gone. 'Law & Order,' wrapping it up. Also say goodbye to the Gulf of Mexico.
British Petroleum is now saying the oil spill was caused by a bad underwater cement job. You don't have that problem with the mob.
John McCain is angry with British Petroleum. But in all fairness, he's had a grudge against the British since the Revolutionary War.
Elena Kagan is the new Supreme Court nominee. If she's not confirmed, she is a Mets fan, so she's used to disappointment.
President Obama's big financial reform bill passed. From now on, bankers will be required to dress like robbers.
They put a cap on ATM transaction fees, though a lot of the senators didn't want to discuss it because they've never used an ATM. The Senate has mobile cash machines — they're called 'lobbyists.'
From Jimmy Fallon:
A new poll found that 43 percent of Americans think President Obama is doing a good job at handling the BP oil spill. Of course, the same poll found that 43 percent of Americans hate pelicans.
And today at a press conference, Obama said that the government does not have better technology than BP. That's a nice thing to announce to the world, that our government has fewer resources than a company that tried to plug a hole with a 'top hat.'
In fact, President Obama fired the head of the Mineral Management Services, because of lack of oversight of offshore oil rigs. It's got to be tough finding another job after that. It's like, 'I see you were head of the department in charge of preventing oil spills? And this was during the huge oil spill?' 'Yeah, that's right.' 'You may not be Wendy's material.'
Last night was the finale of 'Dancing With the Stars' and Kate Gosselin made an appearance. I don't want to say it was bad, but this morning, the Pakistani Taliban took credit for it.
BP wants Twitter to shut down a fake BP account that is mocking the oil company. In response, Twitter wants BP to shut down the oil leak that's ruining the ocean.
The White House is backing a new plan to repeal 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell.' They want to relax the harsh standard and implement their new policy, 'Just Try To Not Make It Super Obvious.'
BP said today that in the worst-case scenario, it would take until August to clean up the Gulf Coast. That's not so bad. I mean, who goes in the ocean during the summer anyway?
Octomom Nadya Suleman has a PETA sign in her front yard that encourages people to have their pets spayed or neutered. Isn't that kind of like BP putting out a sign that says 'Don't pee in the pool?'
I heard that Paul McCartney invited the Jonas Brothers to his tribute at the White House next Wednesday because he thinks of them as the next Beatles. The Jonases were like, 'Oh, man, that is so nice of you — who are the Beatles?'
It's pretty hard for fans of 'Lost' now that it's finally over. If people want to get their fix, they'll have to follow that other group that's lost and confused in the middle of the ocean. You know, BP.
Fox News is launching a Web site this fall aimed at the Latino population. Latinos were like, 'Wait, what is Fox News aiming at?'
On Saturday, Hillary Clinton passed out teddy bears to children in China. That was a nice break for the children from their job of making teddy bears.
How to describe Rand Paul? I mean, he's a doctor. It's as if Sarah Palin somehow made it through medical school. –Bill Maher, on Kentucky Senate candidate and Tea Party hero Rand Paul
He's an ophthalmologist, he does a lot of lasik surgery, and he has a lot of interesting points of view. Like he thinks Obama, because he went to Copenhagen where they were talking about global warming, is apologizing for the industrial revolution. He's against the Americans With Disabilities Act. He says restaurants should be able to refuse service to black people. And today, he said Obama was un-American for getting on BP's case for the oil spill. I tell you, the s**t doesn't fall far from the bat. –Bill Maher, on Rand Paul, son of Rep. Ron Paul
Every time this guy opens his mouth, it gets a little crazier. Today he angrily demanded that the liberal media stop quoting him in context.
I guess he's trying to get the press to get off the racism thing, so his big thing today was that the oil spill in the Gulf was the blame game. He said, 'Sometimes accidents happen.' Which is not really what you want to hear from the guy who's doing your lasik surgery.
Good news in the oil situation. BP said they found a way to start breaking up their oil slick. The bad news is it involves a toxic chemical called Corexit 9527A. Apparently this is moving us further from a solution and closer to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Sunday, listen to this, they’re going to try something new. They're going to try what they call a 'top kill.' That's where they shove a fluid that looks a lot like mud down into the well. I hope this works because the next idea involves Bruce Willis and an asteroid.
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*** Colbert in funny form mocking just about everything once held sacred like food, jazz and beautiful women.
From Denny: Colbert is his usual cheeky self when he takes on threats to our country - the militaristic food police fighting national obesity, robots that can play jazz and dig it at the same time and pretty girls who give men heart attacks by raising their stress hormones. Hear Colbert comment upon society's ills and quirks.
*** THANKS for visiting, feel welcome to drop a comment or opinion, enjoy bookmarking this post on your favorite social site, a big shout out to awesome current subscribers – and if you are new to this blog, please subscribe in a reader or by email updates!
*** THANKS for visiting, feel welcome to drop a comment or opinion, enjoy bookmarking this post on your favorite social site, a big shout out to awesome current subscribers – and if you are new to this blog, please subscribe in a reader or by email updates!
From Denny: Colbert is in rare funny form as he mocks Glenn Beck's messiah complex. Beck claims to hear from God about The Plan That Is Really Not A Plan. Beckerheads are what Colbert calls those glassy-eyed vacant minded Beck fans. Take a look as Beck compares himself also to Martin Luther King. Like Beck could even stand in the same room, pahleez!
*** THANKS for visiting, feel welcome to drop a comment or opinion, enjoy bookmarking this post on your favorite social site, a big shout out to awesome current subscribers – and if you are new to this blog, please subscribe in a reader or by email updates!
*** Funny volcano and weather quotes, jokes, political cartoons and funny video all designed to make you laugh til your boss fires you for "excessive merriment."
The latest volcano hair style in ash white...
From Denny: While we are all waiting breathlessly for the tacky BP oil spill jokes to emerge, beyond the great political cartoons already posted on this blog, why not indulge the volcano jokes? Iceland has a great sense of humor about impending disaster and the slow burn of economic die-off just like here in south Louisiana. We both seem to have that "gallows humor" going on. If you can't poke fun at yourself and the crazy world we live in where's the fun in life?
Besides, on the serious uptake, laughing takes off the pressure so you can do some serious problem-solving in your life. Someone send all my funny posts and funny blogs to BP because they definitely need something to help them solve the gargantuan problem in the Gulf.
Please attach a cover letter warning them that Congress has amended American law to include lying as an offense punishable by the minimum of 50 years hard labor for each lie. There is no consideration for time served and no cap for the judge's sentencing guidelines, just thought you might like to know that Republican styled "tort reform" tidbit. Each liar is responsible for their own lies, including CEOs, PR agents, lobbyists, politicians and lawyers. Read that as "Do not pass Go - it's straight to jail with you."
Might I also suggest the perfect incarceration arrangements? Louisiana's famous prison called Angola is the maximum security prison of your choice, comprised of many interesting neighborly companions. Yeah, it's no country club and is an outstanding recommendation from the people of the Gulf Coast. Many thanks go to British Petroleum for giving us all much to lampoon. It's not every day you get to "enjoy" your very own environmental disaster in your life time. :)
Cheeky Quote of the day: Don't dance on a volcano. - French Proverb (self-explanatory)
I see that America has declared war on Iceland. Apparently they are accusing them of harboring a "weapon of ash eruption."
It was the last wish of the Icelandic economy that its ashes be spread over Europe.
Iceland goes bankrupt, then it manages to set itself on fire. This has insurance scam written all over it.
Iceland, we wanted your cash, not your ash.
Waiter, there's volcanic ash in my soup. I know, it's a no-fly zone.
Richard Curtis is working on a new romp-com about people stuck in an airport who fall in love. The working title is "Lava Actually."
Strange Facts About Volcanoes:
The loudest noise ever known was produced by a volcanic eruption at Krakatoa, near Javan, in 1883. The sound was heard in Australia, 5000 km away.
When Laki volcano in Iceland erupted in 1783, its lava flow stretched 65 km, the longest ever recorded.
There are over 500 active volcanoes in the world.
About 20 per cent of all volcanoes are underwater.
About 20 to 30 volcanoes erupt each year, mostly under the sea.
Lava from an erupting volcano may be as hot as 1200 degrees centigrade.
Volcano Quotes
* Don't dance on a volcano. - French Proverb (self-explanatory)
* If your heart is a volcano, how shall you expect flowers to bloom? - Kahlil Gibran
* Volcano: A mountain with hiccups. - Anonymous
* I see the mind of a five year old as a volcano with two vents : destructiveness and creativeness. - Sylvia Warner
* Great acting can be almost a psychotic mix of self-consciousness and unself-consciousness. And that's the terrible conflict. You have to be free to jump off into that volcano and you have to be pathologically self-conscious. - Alec Baldwin, actor
* All civilization has from time to time become a thin crust over a volcano of revolution. - Havelock Ellis
* Zeal is a volcano, the peak of which the grass of indecisiveness does not grow. - Kahlil Gibran (Lebanese born American philosophical Essayist, Novelist and Poet. 1883-1931)
* Desire is storm, greed is whirlpool, pride is precipice, attachment is avalanche, ego is volcano. Discard desire and you are liberated. - Sri Sathya Sai Baba quotes (Indian Spiritual leader, b.1926)
Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record of forecasting for the TV news program.
He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year.
That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired. He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job.
One blank on the job application called for the reason for leaving his previous position.
Hopkins wrote, "The climate didn't agree with me."
The Call in the Middle of the Night
A husband and his wife were sound asleep when suddenly the phone rang.
The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? How the heck do I know? What do I look like, a weatherman?" He then slammed the phone down and settled into bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"I don't know. It was some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear."
The Top 15 Odd Side Effects of Hurricanes (as told during the Bush years)
15. Anti-terrorist cruise missile blown off course "just happens" to land on Special Investigator Ken Starr. (the guy who came up with bogus garbage impeachment charges against President Clinton and drug the country through tedious sleaze on the nightly news)
14. Drop in barometric pressure causes unexpected Viagra failure and results in a sudden surge in Trans Am purchases.
13. In Florida, howling of winds drowns out howling from Kennedy Compound.
12. Same $100 million hurricane damage in the Carolinas only costs $23.89 dollars in Alabama.
11. Employees at the Olean factory have no problem with orders to evacuate immediately.
10. Pamela Anderson experiences whiplash as breasts fly in opposite directions.
9. Ultra conservative racist Jesse Helms actually observed leaning slightly to the left.
8. South Carolinians can now projectile-vomit over 430 feet!
7. Drop in barometric pressure causes Girl Scout cookies to swell so large that they're temporarily worth six bucks a box.
6. Inexplicable changes in Al Roker's magnetic field.
5. Sudden shortage of (TV show host of sleaze and violence) Jerry Springer guests, as incest and promiscuity take a back seat to gettin' the ol' trailer right-side up again.
4. Headlines with the word "blow", but no mention whatsoever of a certain unnamed Clinton intern made famous.
3. Pre-storm rush allows supermarkets to finally get rid of old stock of Spam and Zima.
2. Earl the plywood salesman starts tippin' fives at the topless club.
and Number 1 Odd Side Effect of Hurricanes...
1. White House intern/mistress/Secretary of State Rice get time off while President Bush/Clinton/Bush, Sr./Johnson drops his pants and lets nature take its course.
Colbert and Jon Stewart out take video clip that talks a bit about the weather:
* When all is said and done, the weather and love are the two elements about which one can never be sure. - Alice Hoffman
* If you don't like the weather in New England, just wait a few minutes. - Mark Twain
* Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction listen to weather forecasts and economists? - Kelvin Throop III
* No matter how rich you become, how famous or powerful, when you die the size of your funeral will still pretty much depend on the weather. - Michael Pritchard
* Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning. - George Carlin
* Don't knock the weather. If it didn't change once in a while, nine out of ten people couldn't start a conversation. - Kin Hubbard
* A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain. - Robert Frost
* I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining. - Groucho Marx
* Conversation about the weather is the last refuge of the unimaginative. - Oscar Wilde
* When the goose honk high, fair weather; when the goose honks low, foul weather. - Proverb (I'll be sure to keep that in mind the next time those local Canadian geese fly over my house leaving a trail of honking deposits)
* If I'm on the golf course and lightning starts, I get indoors fast. If God wants to play through, let him. - Bob Hope
* Even the weather page is in a state of moral decay. What’s wrong with red, white and blue, USA Today? This rainbow weather map is just another example of the homometerological agenda. - Stephen Colbert
* Weather is a literary specialty, and no untrained hand can turn out a good article on it. - Mark Twain
*** THANKS for visiting, feel welcome to drop a comment or opinion, enjoy bookmarking this post on your favorite social site, a big shout out to awesome current subscribers – and if you are new to this blog, please subscribe in a reader or by email updates!
*** THANKS for visiting, feel welcome to drop a comment or opinion, enjoy bookmarking this post on your favorite social site, a big shout out to awesome current subscribers – and if you are new to this blog, please subscribe in a reader or by email updates!
*** THANKS for visiting, feel welcome to drop a comment or opinion, enjoy bookmarking this post on your favorite social site, a big shout out to awesome current subscribers – and if you are new to this blog, please subscribe in a reader or by email updates!
From Denny: If only I could stay up late and watch all the late night comics all at once... The next best thing is to corral all their funny quips about the state of affairs in America and the world into one post. These guys are the social commentators of our time!
Included also are some of the latest (since Saturday) political cartoons just released with references to the sex crazed Republican National Committee, Earth Day and Arizona immigration.
Check out the latest Colbert Report video clips as he lampoons the new Arizona immigration bill and has some fun with the pot smoking community.
Thanks for stopping by for a visit and enjoy the start to your work week with a lots of laughs to keep you going until Friday blissfully arrives! :)
From Jay Leno:
One good thing came out of this volcano in Iceland. Economists say consumers can expect a huge drop in the price of lava lamps.
President Obama gave a speech in New York about his plans to reform the rules for Wall St. A lot of Wall St. executives were shaking in their boots when the president showed up. The bad news is, they were $800 Italian leather boots that were bought with our bailout money.
Happy Earth Day. To demonstrate their commitment, environmentalists all across the country risked their lives driving Toyota Priuses.
According to USA Today, 71 percent of American households have already filled out and returned their census. That's the good news. The bad news — they filled it out in Spanish.
President Obama met with Wall Street executives today. He told them to stop fighting this financial reform. But the Wall Street executives are kind of copping an attitude with the president. You know, I got an idea. Forget financial reform. Let's put them in prison. Call it prison reform. See how they like it then.
Oh, yeah. They don't want the government messing with their business unless it's a bailout. Then, 'Please!'
To give you an idea how popular President Obama is around the world — he's probably the most popular leader in the world — this is amazing. They opened a nightclub in China named after President Obama. It will be an Obama-themed nightclub. Here's the amazing thing — hasn't even opened yet and already $12 trillion in debt.
Well, the government said today Somali pirates being held in U.S. custody will be brought to the United States for prosecution, and they will be tried by a jury of their peers. So I'm guessing that's what, Goldman Sachs?
You see this on the news? Gay and lesbian activists chained themselves to the White House fence to protest the 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy. And when Republican Party officials saw the lesbians chaining themselves to the fence, out of force of habit, they paid $2,000 to watch.
A new study shows that fewer and fewer immigrants are sending money they earn here back home. They'd like to, but there's no one left at home. They all live here now. They just send it across the street.
This is rather disturbing. A government panel made up of all retired military personnel says that the school lunches are a threat to our national security because they make our kids too fat to serve the country. It's unbelievable. Remember the old days, when the Army wanted the best and the brightest? Now they're stuck with the biggest and the widest.
Here's something great. General Motors today paid back all the government loans five years ahead of schedule. Amazing what hard work, careful planning and Toyotas rolling over and crashing into trees can do for you.
And unemployment here in California, over 12 percent now. Give you an idea how bad it is, you know the best way to make money in California now? Marrying and divorcing Larry King.
Well, in an interview on the 'Today' show, Bill Clinton told Jenna Bush Hager, who is George Bush's daughter, that his only involvement in the planning of his daughter Chelsea's wedding is paying the bill. Although, since he's a Democrat, he doesn't actually pay the bill himself; he leaves it for future generations of Americans. But you get the idea.
For those of you visiting from Iceland, happy Ash Wednesday.
The British government sent a warship to France to bring home stranded Britons. There was an embarrassing moment — when the ship pulled up to the port, the French immediately surrendered.
The volcano was spewing out so much ash that now, the Catholic Church is saying it couldn't even see what it was doing wrong.
The giant cloud of ash over Amsterdam is so bad that you can't even see the giant cloud of hashish.
According to a top Iranian cleric, earthquakes and volcanoes are caused by women wearing immodest clothing. Or as most guys would call it: a fair trade-off.
President Obama and some prominent Democrats proposed a solution to the erupting volcano — they want to pour money into it.
Toyota is recalling 600,000 minivans because the spare tire holder can break and the spare tire can go flying down the highway. It's bad enough Toyota cars can run you off the road — now the parts are chasing you down the street.
*** Colbert lampoons the 4/20 pot smoking holiday, trying to kill their buzz. Colbert satirically warns that pot smoking could lead to awful tragedies like the music group Phish getting back together and other horrific occurrences.
A new poll found that a substantial number of Americans still aren't convinced that President Obama was born in the United States. Only 58 percent believe that Obama was born here, and 20 percent think he was born in another country. I don't believe Obama was born at all.
Vice President Biden appeared on 'The View.' They were trying to set the Guinness Record for most Botox on one couch. And they did, so congratulations.
Happy Earth Day to everyone. An estimated one billion people celebrate Earth Day. Al Gore, in particular, is wasted right now.
Yesterday was 4/20, known to stoners around the country as National Weed Day. There were pro-marijuana legalization rallies all around the country, especially here in California, where freedom fighters like this guy exercised their right to free speech vigorously. 'Here in the meadow, people were chilling out. Some, maybe too much. We're here just to have a bunch of fun in a field.' That's a good way to spend a Tuesday, while your parents are paying tuition.
The Fox network had their annual telethon 'Idol Gives Back.' I was hoping they would give back the hundreds of hours I've wasted watching 'American Idol.'
The new $100 bill was unveiled today. So if you have any old $100 bills, you can throw them away now.
The Supreme Court is hearing a case about 'sexting.' Apparently the justices of the Supreme Court are not up to date on technology. Chief Justice Roberts asked what is the difference between an e-mail and a pager. Justice Roberts is only 55 years old. He's young enough to be Larry King's next wife.
Today is April 20, which is like Christmas for pot-smokers. It all started in the 1700s when St. Patrick drove the stoners out of Ireland with a pack of Twinkies.
In celebration of 4/20, the volcano in Iceland is still smoking. And it just asked for Hot Pockets.
Travelers have been stranded in dozens of countries, but they're finally allowing flights to take off to countries that no one likes.
You know, a lot of people were flying and got delayed by the Icelandic volcano, and everybody is upset. They lost billions of dollars in revenue. And I said, 'O.K., it's kind of their fault. I mean to be flying during the volcano season, come on! Are you nuts? Really? Your own fault.'
Here is a story that is kind of perplexing: 221 years ago, George Washington went to the library here in New York, took out some books, never returned them. 221 years of overdue library fines. I tell you something, ladies and gentlemen, if you want to blame this economic crisis on a president, what about that guy?
Here's news now from the Supreme Court. Justice John Paul Stevens is retiring. He's in his 90s, Justice John Paul Stevens. Said he has had enough, wants to spend more time judging his family.
President Obama is here to announce his peace initiative for Mr. and Mrs. Larry King.
Justice John Paul Stevens is retiring. Don't worry, he's getting his own show on TBS.
Al Pacino is starring in a TV movie, where he plays Dr. Jack Kevorkian. Did they not even look at my audition tape? … Dr. Kevorkian was a killing machine. He pulled more plugs than Jay Leno.
Talking about air travel and the volcano. The good news, ladies and gentlemen, regular airline service is resuming. The bad news — regular airline service is resuming.
Is anyone here stranded because of the volcano? Well, that's what you get for traveling during volcano season.
Because of the volcano, the airlines lost $2 billion. Usually, all they lose is my luggage.
Because of the volcano in Iceland, thousands of travelers are stranded with no place to sleep, eat, or shower. This is the kind of thing that can really take the fun out of air travel.
"The name of the volcano is Eyjafjallajökull. It's the scariest thing out of Iceland since Björk in that swan outfit.
The volcano cloud is gritty ash and it's making its way toward Russia. In fact, Sarah Palin can see it from her house.
David Letterman's Top Ten Goldman Sachs Excuses
10. Huh?
9. You're saying 'fraud' like it's a bad thing
8. Planned on using money to buy everyone in America delicious KFC Double Down sandwich
7. Distraught over George Lopez's move to midnight
6. We were framed by evil menswear company Goldman Slacks
5. Since when are financial institutions not allowed to screw their customers?
4. Hey sport, how much to make these questions go away?
3. America needed a villain both Republicans and Democrats can hate
2. Everyone we ripped off got an 'I Got Cheated By Goldman Sachs' tote bag
1. Uhh, it's Obama's fault?
*** Colbert pokes jabs at the state of Arizonafor passing controversial bold new immigration bill which basically legalizes the harassment of Latinos. Colbert thinks the new strategy is one to irritate and frustrate the Latino community to the point they will get fed up and leave on their own.
Today the U.S. Treasury released its new $100 bill. It's the most high-tech piece of currency the world has ever seen — until Apple comes out with the '$100 bill Nano.'
Happy birthday to Jack Nicholson today, and also it's Earth Day. Planet Earth and Jack Nicholson are different, of course — one is a giant object ravaged by years of abuse and we're running out of time to save it, and the other one is Earth.
The movie 'Avatar' is out on DVD today. James Cameron wanted it to be released on Earth Day because nothing says 'save the planet' like millions of plastic DVD cases.
It's the 40th Earth Day, which is bad news for Earth. Once you get in your forties, your equator expands, your poles start to melt — soon you'll look as bad as Uranus.
Oama is getting his mojo back. Apparently, he's going to get this financial package. That's right, the financial package is going through. He got health care. He got that nuclear weapons treaty… He's on a roll and he's taunting his critics. His new slogan is, 'Change You Can Suck On.'
Arizona's Governor had been stalling, you know, on signing this. She said it did not reflect any ambivalence about the bill. She just wanted to make sure her pool was clean and her lawn was mowed before she signed. – on Arizona's immigration bill.
The entire rig sunk. Republicans in Washington today voted to lower flags to half staff in honor of the tragic loss of oil. - on the oil rig in The Gulf of Mexico
What is it with radical Muslims and cartoons? They watch more cartoons than pot-heads. – on the group threatening the "South Park" creators
The problem with the Tea Party movement, besides their almost universal rejection of dentistry, is that they want money for nothing and chicks for free. They want a deregulated free market and their jobs to stay here in the US; they want guaranteed health coverage regardless of preexisting conditions without a big government mandate; they want to call themselves tea baggers and people to keep a straight face. And of course they want big tax cuts along with deficit reduction. I can't even think of a suitable analogy for that disconnect – it's like thinking getting a handjob will clean your garage.
New Rule: Since the Icelandic volcano obviously needs a virgin sacrifice and the Catholic Church obviously needs new leadership the Pope must volunteer to jump in the volcano. Pontiff, don't think of it as endorsing paganism, think of it as supersizing Ash Wednesday. – in his "New Rules" segment
New Rule: If the water in your river makes the male fish grow vaginas, stay thirsty. 90% of Washington D.C.'s drinking water comes from the Potomac, a river so polluted with hormones it makes fish change sex. If I wanted to drink something that makes me grow a vagina, I'd order a wine cooler. – in his "New Rules" segment
From Seth Meyers:
This week Arizona signed the toughest illegal immigration law in the country, which would allow the police to demand identification papers from anyone they suspect is in the country illegally. I know there are some people in Arizona worried that Obama is acting like Hitler, but can we all agree that there's nothing more Nazi than saying, `Show me your papers?' There's never been a WWII movie that didn't include the line, `Show me your papers.' It's their catchphrase. Every time someone says `Show me your papers,' Hitler's family gets a residual check. So heads up Arizona, that's fascism. I know, I know, it's a dry fascism, but it's still fascism. - on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
From Jon Stewart:
Look I'm sorry I told you to go f**k yourself last week (and that other time, like, six months ago.) I know that I criticize you and Fox News a lot, but only because you're truly a terrible, cynical, disingenuous news organization.
Fox News: You are the lupus of news.
And with a nod to Groundhog Phil who predicted six more weeks of winter this year: Everyone knows if a Republican comes out of the closet and sees a gay shadow, it means six more years of a Democratic administration.
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From Denny: Between Wall Street and the ridiculous - and that clown-filled wing nut - Republican Tea Party we have plenty to laugh at this week! Politics and finances are an endless source of revenue for comics every time they open their mouths. And how about those cartoonists? They sure know how to draw those Fat Cat Bankers and Wall Street villains.
This roundup is catching us up on the tax day quips and latest funny videos aimed at the bizarre Tea Party folks who seem to enjoy making fools of themselves while trying to denounce people who are actually working for a living.
Did you ever wonder where these Tea Party people find the time - and the money - to show up at these events? How many are retired on our taxpayer money - living on our "Socialist" dime? How many are using our taxpayer funded "Socialist" Medicare and Medicaid yet denounce it in the same breath as they take advantage of it?
How many are taking Social Security, you know, "Socialism" at its ugliest. I challenge the Social Security Tea Party folks to end their hypocrisy and put their money where their mouth is: quit taking Social Security checks every month. Voluntarily give up those checks.
Alternative option to sending those Social Security checks back to the government you despise and take for granted: Send me your Social Security checks, folks. I know how important it is to you to not be freaking hypocrites. I solemnly promise to guard that money with my very own bank account and not redistribute the wealth. :)
It is April the 15th. This is a day we all curse like Vice President Joe Biden.
President Obama released his tax return today. He didn't owe a lot in taxes. He has a lot of dependents. He's got his wife, two daughters, A.I.G., General Motors, Goldman Sachs.
Hey, you probably heard about this on the news. Now being reported that the terrorist organization Al Qaeda is in financial ruin. To give you an idea what bad shape they're in, today I saw a terrorist buying a shoe bomb at Payless.
Well, do you know this story? Toyota has stopped selling their Lexus SUV because it poses a high risk of rolling over. But according to a Zogby poll, 62 percent of Americans believe that Toyotas are safe or safer than other vehicles. The other 38 percent are still in critical condition.
A giant cloud of ash from a volcano in Iceland has stopped air traffic all across Europe. The airlines are jumping all over this. They're now charging passengers a $400 volcanic ash cloud fee.
Researchers found that you are more likely get germs from money than any other object. … Really? Then how come poor people aren't healthier?
The Obama administration's top science and technology official has warned the United States cannot expect to be No. 1 in science and technology forever. Did you know we were No. 1 now? If we're No. 1 in technology, why do I have to call India for tech support, OK?
The Pentagon says that Al Qaeda is now in financial ruin. I tell you, Goldman Sachs, they screwed everybody.
Actually, Al Qaeda should have seen it coming. You know who's in charge of the finances? Osama ben Bernanke.
Well, the big story is the president of China, Hu Jintao, I believe his name is pronounced, is in Washington this week. Boy, it's causing some controversy. You may have heard about this. President Obama was seen bowing to the Chinese leader. Well, he has to. I mean, the rent is going to be late again next month.
In fact, leaders of 40 nations are in Washington this week for the nuclear summit. And the president of China was supposed to speak first. And that caused a lot of confusion when the moderator said: 'Who's on first?' 'Yes.' 'No, who?' 'Yes.' 'No, who?' 'Yes.' And it went back and forth. It got a little confusing.
And 89-year-old supreme court justice John Paul Stevens has announced he is retiring. He's going to be 90 this year. In fact, the other Supreme Court justices have to keep reminding him to close his robe.
A woman named Sue Lowden is a Republican running for the Senate in Nevada. You know this health care thing? The Republicans are against it. She says one of the ways you can keep the cost of your health care down is to barter with your doctor. You know, trade with him. That's a great idea. But what if your doctor is not Amish? O.K., what do you do then?
According to the Pentagon, Al Qaeda is in financial ruin. Good. I think that's called Al Karma.
Well, according to the Pentagon, Al Qaeda is in financial ruin. You know why they're broke? Health insurance premiums.
Well, the big news is Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens is retiring. I mean, this won't affect as many Americans as when Paula left 'American Idol,' but it's still a big deal.
Tiger Woods said he would try to keep his emotions under control, but after a bad swing, he used the F-word. Who does he think he is — vice president of the United States?
In a speech, the chairman of the Republican National Committee, Michael Steele, said 'I am the first here to admit I've made mistakes.' Then the stripper giving him a lap-dance said it will still be 20 bucks.
'SNL' Mocks Tea Baggers' Outfits, Signs, And Lack Of Humor
From Comedy Central: Bill Hader made an appearance as James Carville last night on "Weekend Update," and had some fun at the Tea Baggers expense.
Referring to their dispeasure with Obama poking fun at them, Carville pretty much spelled it out: "You can't dress how you dress and not expect jokes. You're wearing colonial costumes. And not even the whole costume...Which Founding Father wore the tri-corner hat with an Orlando Magic jersey?"
From Bill Maher:
What a day for the tea party people. Did you see that? America’s parks and fairgrounds were lost in a sea of man-boobs. They were venting their anger and rage against taxes, which, of course, in most cases for them went down. Protesting their taxes went down – but you know, why let the truth spoil a perfectly good Klan rally.
Federal taxes last year when down for 98 percent of people, but when asked about this, only 12 percent of the Teabaggers thought this was the case. 88 percent of them had it wrong. And a spokesman for the Teabaggers said, 'We don’t want to just be taxed less. We want to be taxed less by a white guy.
They used the opportunity on Tax Day to come up with what they call a 'Contract From America.' Remember the 'Contract With America'? Well, this is a different set of 10 completely ridiculous ideas. Like number 4, I'm not kidding about this: 'The tax code cannot have more words than the Constitution.' You know between this and the complaints about the health care bill being too long, can we say it? It's not taxes they hate, it's reading.
Sarah Palin got an iPad and she was complaining that it's not really that absorbent.
These people wake up angry. Glenn Beck today is furious about the volcanic ash cloud from Iceland. He knows it's Obama's fault, he just can't figure out how.
This week they were very upset with Obama because he had a big nuclear summit and he apparently bowed a little to the Chinese President. For the amount of cash that we owe China, we're lucky he didn't have to kneel and blow him.
Russia has banned all adoptions to America. So if you were hoping to get a little white kid with fetal alcohol syndrome, you're going to have to wait until Lindsay Lohan reproduces.
There's a new poll that says that Pope Benedict's approval rating has dropped to 35 percent. But he has a plan to turn it around. He's going to make a Nike commercial where he just stands there and takes shit from Tiger Woods' dad.
This week Obama has decided to followed in Bush's footsteps and promise that we are going to go to Mars. What is it with Mars that just captures presidential imagination? For Obama, I guess it's the hope of a new frontier. For Bush, it was the likelihood of exploitable resources. And for Clinton it was the possibility of green p**sy.
Colbert Mocks Hipsters For Shunning Census
From Colbert: According to a recent NPR report, many Williamsburg-based hipsters have refused to fill out the census, calling it a form that "relatively has nothing to do with your life."
But Colbert jokingly referred to it as a "a master stroke by the scruffy trend-setters. By not filling out the census, the government will dedicate fewer resources to their neighborhood, thereby causing it to decay, thereby increasing the neighborhood's hipster cred."
He's on to their game. If only he could see their band.
Here in California, our attorney general said he's going to investigate whether a university foundation that hired Sarah Palin to give a speech violated public disclosure laws. They had some controversy. Some students found her contract rider in a dumpster. That is a list of demands a performer has when they appear somewhere. Usually you see them for, like, rock stars, but Sarah Palin has one, I guess. Among other things, Palin's rider requires two first-class tickets from Alaska or a private jet from Alaska, nothing smaller than a Lear 60, and it has to have a window she can shoot out of.
She has to have three hotel rooms, a wooden podium, not plexiglass, two bottles of water, and best of all, I think, a supply of bendable straws. This is a complicated woman. On one hand, you know, she'll blow a moose's head off at 300 yards, but on the other, bendy straws.
Tomorrow, President Obama will be in Florida to announce his vision for America's space program. The rumor is that he is going to reverse President Bush's space policy, which centered on sending a giant caulk gun to the moon to fill all the craters up.
The first man on the moon, Neil Armstrong, sent a letter to Obama criticizing him because he's expected to cut funding for manned space flights. And he even helped spearhead this ad campaign that I guess is designed to convince President Obama to change his mind on this. 'For nearly half a century, the United States has been a world leader in exploring the final frontier: First to the moon, inspiring a nation, and paving the way for countless advancements in science. President Obama's plan to cut NASA's budget means never again will Americans see astronauts suck Jell-O through a straw, eat floating bananas, or doing funny experiments with a frog. Write President Obama. Don't let these super fun times come to an end. This message paid for by astronauts who love super fun times in space.' Powerful stuff.
Tomorrow is the day to mail in your tax returns, which means tonight is the night to start making fake receipts.
We may have another Oprah on our hands. Since leaving her job as the governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin has made more than $12 million. That is a lot of money for someone who can't say words that end in 'g.'
And they say $12 million is a conservative estimate. She may have made a lot more, and yet, she continues to blame Obama for the bad economy. It seems — weird, right?
The figure is a little bit misleading because most of that money is Alaskan currency, which is primarily made up of pelts and shiny rocks.
I watched so much golf this weekend. Tiger finished in 4th place, which means he only won $330,000, which is barely enough to pay his text messaging bill.
Tiger's obviously under a lot of stress. It's very difficult to play when you have a padlock on your underpants.
In a statement released this week, Pope Benedict said that he has forgiven the Beatles for John Lennon's claim that they were bigger than Jesus and for their Rock & Roll excesses – in the clearest sign yet that the Vatican is working from the bottom of the complaint box.
This is a bizarre moment. The crowd doesn't quite know what to make of the mocking humor from the rap band on stage. Talk about out of touch:
It's fitting that April 14 is National Pecan Day because today, we recognize nuts. And tomorrow, on April 15, we pay our taxes to support them.
A pecan tree can live for 300 years and when they're old and gnarled, they can still bear fruit. They're like the tree world's Larry King.
"Scientists are saying that eating pecans every day may decrease your cholesterol. So in case they're right, I wrap all of my pecans in bacon.
It's a great day for America, everybody. Yes, it is! But not a great day for former Vice President Al Gore. He was ambushed for an interview by Fox News. What's wrong with you, Fox News? You don't ambush him. If you want to get Al Gore for an interview, you don't have to ambush him. Just leave a trail of ham into the studio.
It was announced today that Conan O'Brien has a new talk show on TBS and a lot of people are asking how it will affect this show. It will not — people that watch this show cannot afford basic cable.
KFC restaurants have unveiled the 'Double Down,' which is two slabs of fried chicken with bacon in the middle. Why not — we all have free health insurance.
In an interview with GQ Magazine, Lou Dobbs said he’s considering running for president. Hey, stranger things have happened — Lou Dobbs being in GQ Magazine being one of them.
There’s a new comic book coming out about Arnold Schwarzenegger’s life. In the comic, Arnold battles his life-long nemesis: words.
A town in Tennessee elected a dead man as its mayor. Finally, a politician who won't cheat on his wife.
At a Tea Party rally in Boston yesterday, Sarah Palin praised the crowd for winning that Senate race in Massachusetts. She said: 'Shoot, look at what you did in January. You shook up the United States Senate.' Unfortunately, no one heard the Senate thing, because after she said 'shoot,' 300 guns went off.
At the same rally, Sarah Palin said: 'Let me ask you, Massachusetts. Do you love your freedom?' Is anyone going to say 'no' to that? It's like going to a Phish show and saying, 'Anyone here like getting high and eating grilled cheese?'
President Obama is launching a new $6 billion space policy that will ultimately take astronauts to Mars. Of course, it's $6 billion and $45 if the astronauts have a carry-on.
Obama says the new $6 billion program will let us engage in deeper space exploration, while Biden says this will let us engage in open dialogue with Alf.
Yahoo is producing a daily video series, based on its most popular news stories, in partnership with Toyota. Of course, they're having a tough time getting the site up because it always ends up crashing.
This Friday is the deadline for mailing in your Census form. People all around the country put down how many people live in their houses — while Tiger Woods and Jesse James put 'kind of a tricky situation right now.'
President Obama announced that in 2012 he's going to hold his next nuclear security summit at a site in South Korea, right near the North Korean border. Seriously? That's like if you held a biker chick rally right across the street from Jesse James's rehab facility. You're asking for trouble.
Speaking of North Korea, I just read about a state-run comedy show in North Korea where the audience is ordered to laugh. It's called 'Funny or Actually Die.'
There's a rumor going around that Hillary Clinton could be Obama's choice for the next Supreme Court justice. That's a lifetime appointment that would take up all of her time, or as Bill Clinton calls it, 'She'll take it.'
Some more news out of Washington. Vice President Joe Biden hosted a big lunch today with foreign leaders at the Naval Observatory. Unfortunately, he spent the entire time asking everyone to observe his navel.
I just heard that CNN is hoping to spice up the show 'Anderson Cooper 360″ by adding a live audience. After that, they're hoping to spice up 'Larry King Live' by adding a live Larry King.
Barry Bonds said he is 'proud' of Mark McGwire for returning to baseball. And it really means a lot coming from Bonds — it's like Tiger Woods getting a high five at the Masters from Jesse James.
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