09 August 2010

Roundup of Late Night Funnies - 9 Aug 2010

*** Catch up on the latest from cartoonists and the late night comedy jokes from this week slamming American culture and the news. Wait a minute, those are the same things!







Funny Videos Featured:

Funny Video: Colbert Reveals Master Plan to Ruin Gay Marriage

Funny Video: Jon Stewart Comments on Gay Marriage - Californigaytion





Bill Day



From Jay Leno:


I thought this guy (Levi Johnston) was a weasel. Did you hear the latest? He's now offering to sell a tell-all interview about himself, the latest break-up, and inside information about Sarah Palin for $20,000. Looking back, the problem isn't that he refused to wear a condom. The problem is his father didn't wear a condom.

A federal judge in California struck down Proposition 8, saying it was unconstitutional. Gay couples can now get married in the state of California. Remember when women used to say the best ones were either gay or married? Now they can be both.

People are trying to understand the judge's thinking on this. Well, I think it's pretty clear. After seeing straight couples like Bristol and Levi, Larry King and his wives, Charlie Sheen and his wives, gays couldn't screw it up any worse than that, right? So what the heck, go for it.

The Senate has confirmed Elena Kagan for the Supreme Court. She now has a job for life. Just like Lindsay Lohan's probation officer.

This week in 1861, the first federal income tax was instituted to pay for the Civil War. These days, we don't worry about that kind of stuff. Our wars are paid for by our grandchildren.

It's been more than 24 hours since the court struck down California's ban on gay marriage, but celebrations in San Francisco have been postponed until Friday. Well, there was a rerun of 'Glee,' so they had to wait.

President Obama had dinner with Oprah and her friend Gayle on his birthday. Gayle said it was an honor to have dinner with the leader of the free world and President Obama.

In Portland, Oregon, a 7-year-old girl's lemonade stand was shut down by the police because she didn't get a $120 business license. On the bright side, by closing her business, she's now eligible for a $108,000 government bailout.

According to the National Enquirer, Bristol Palin has called of her engagement with Levi Johnston after finding out that he also got his ex-girlfriend Lanesia Garcia pregnant. Forget the oil spill, can someone put a cap on this guy.



Mike Luckovich



Happy birthday to President Obama. If you want to get him a present, he's registered at Bed, Bath, and Blame Bush.

They got him a huge cake. He didn't blow out the candles, he just taxed them until they gave up and went out on their own.

A California judge has overruled California's ban on gay marriage. Finally gay men can marry someone other than Liza Minelli. ... Wedding planners can now plan their own weddings.

Just a few weeks after they announced their engagement, Bristol Palin claims that she has officially broken things off with Levi Johnston after he told her he may have gotten another woman pregnant. That's always the deal breaker, isn't it? Apparently they agreed to be abstinent until they were married, Levi just thought it meant with Bristol.

How can we pull 130,000 men out of Iraq when we can't even get Levi to pull out of his own girlfriend.

The price of coffee has surged to a 12-year high. It's getting so expensive that BP is thinking about spilling some.

Billionaire Republican and former eBay CEO Meg Whitman says she has spent more 99 million of her own money to get elected of governor of California. I think she thinks it's like eBay, the office goes to the highest bidder.

How can she be governor of California You know, she has not been in one single 'Terminator' movie.

Congressman Charlie Rangel and Congresswoman Maxine Waters met this to work out their new number one issue: prison reform.

Congressman Rangel has been accused of 13 ethics violations, or as they call it in Washington, fund raising.

Raul Castro said that his government will ease controls on small businesses, will lay off unnecessary workers, and will allow more self-employment. Apparently, he sees how bad socialism is working in America, they don't want it o happen there.

It was announced that Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston have broken up. These two have called it quits more times than professional athlete Brett Favre.

Nancy Pelosi said that when it comes to cleaning up government, the Democrats have drained the swamp. The only problem with that is what's left after you drain the swamp: snakes everywhere.




Jerry Holbert





From David Letterman:


The Salahis, White House party crashers, have their own show now. On their show, they have a party and President Obama crashes it.

Sarah Palin is criticizing the president's visit to 'The View' as a cheap TV stunt. Then she went camping with Kate Gosselin.

President Obama is 49 years old today. He blew out all of his candles and wished for his old job back.

The president is 49 years old, but it's never a good sign when your age is higher than your political approval rating.

Bristol Palin broke up with Levi Johnston. You know the story, the kids were dating, and I mean really dating, and then it looked like they were going to get married. Then they didn’t get married, and he went off to do other things, like pose naked. And then it looked like they were going to patch things up. Turns out now they're not getting back together. Boy, I didn't see that coming.


David Letterman's "Top Ten Ways Barack Obama Celebrated His Birthday"

10. Sent troops to invade a Cold Stone Creamery
9. Read details of his surprise party on WikiLeaks
8. Got a new fake birth certificate he wanted
7. Read 'Eat Pray Love' and bawled his eyes out
6. Asked birthday party magician if he could make Sarah Palin disappear
5. Fist-bumped with Snooki and The Situation
4. Went to Pizzeria Uno for their 'Shrimp & Crab Fun-Doo' with the guys from NORAD
3. Flew Air Force One to Party Depot to buy helium balloons
2. Sat alone watching 'Real Housewives' marathon on Bravo
1. Stuffed Tony Hayward full of nickels and beat him like a pinata


Did you hear about the big Chelsea Clinton wedding? Chelsea Clinton got married in Rhinebeck, New York. It will be a big year for the community of Rhinebeck. First of all they had the Clinton wedding. They're also hosting the Al Gore divorce.

Apparently Bill Clinton - you all remember Bubba - you know he was an emotional guy. He broke down twice at the wedding. Once during the wedding vows he broke down, started to cry. And then later when they ran out of buffalo wings.

Experts in the Gulf of Mexico say they are having trouble finding the oil and they think it's under water. They don't call them experts for nothing.

It's President Obama's birthday tomorrow. He'll be 49 years old. Yea right, if he had a birth certificate.




Rob Rogers



From Jimmy Fallon:


There's a new iPhone app that lets you call your Facebook friends from your phone. Of course, I only got on Facebook so I wouldn't have to call these people.

You know those controversial TSA full-body scanners? Well, they're coming to airports here in New York next month. Great. Normally I take a Xanax before I fly, now I have to take a Viagra.

A judge in California overturned the state's gay marriage ban yesterday. Don't get too excited, though — he doesn't plan on telling his parents until Thanksgiving.

The White House is planning a small belated birthday party for President Obama on Sunday, when Michelle and Sasha are back from Spain. It'll be a small intimate gathering. You know, just friends, family, the White House gate-crashing Salahis...

Today was President Obama's birthday. All the Democrats were like 'How old are you now,' while the Republicans were like 'And where were you born?'

President Obama announced his plan to remove all combat troops from Iraq by the end of August. So thank you to all the men and women serving in Iraq and 'Good luck in Afghanistan!'



Chip Bok



From Craig Ferguson:


It's a big week for gays. There's the gay conservatives thing happening, Prop 8 was overturned, and the movie 'Step Up 3-D' is coming out.

A federal judge struck down California's gay marriage ban. In West Hollywood, gay men were dancing in the streets with rainbow flags and playing techno music, and then they heard about the ruling and they went crazy.



Drew Sheneman



From Jimmy Kimmel:


Yesterday was President Obama's birthday. He turned 49 years old, if you believe the liberal media.

The president had dinner with Oprah in Chicago. Even Justin Bieber doesn't get to do that.

A federal judge overturned Proposition 8, which banned gay marriage in California, which came as great news for both gays and wedding planners. Although that might be redundant.

Opponents of gay marriage will now appeal to the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals in San Francisco - good luck there. You’d have better luck with a show of hands at a Lady Gaga concert.

Happy birthday to President Obama. Republicans tried to block his birthday but they didn't have enough votes, so it went through and the President was able to turn 49 today right on schedule.



Drew Sheneman




Ed Stein



BP says they've been able to seal the leak in the Gulf of Mexico. They were popping champagne to celebrate, but then they had trouble controlling the flow of the champagne and destroyed their entire office.

Wyclef Jean has announced that he will run for president of Haiti. He said he hopes the Haitian people will look past the fact that he has very little political experience and forgive him for that horrible remake of 'We Are the World.'

Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston have apparently broken up again, less than a month after announcing their engagement. Bristol called it off faster than you can say, 'Mom, put the gun down.'

I think with the right amount of love, patience, and a 12-episode guarantee from a reality show on VH1, those two can end up engaged again one day.

Sarah Palin today said she has mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, she was never a big fan of Levi in the first place, but on the other hand, she had already shot the polar bear to make her daughter’s wedding dress.




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