02 August 2010

Roundup of Late Night Funnies - 2 Aug 2010

*** Check out jokes from the late night comedians about American society, funny videos from Colbert and Stewart and a few of the newest political cartoons.

From Denny: There's plenty red hot political scandals to match up with the freaking hot weather across America this week. In Gulf Shores, Alabama, they suffered a 125 degree F. heat index - whew! And I thought 110 degree F. heat index was suffering...

The ethics probes continue on various House members, both Democrat and Republican. Because the Dems are in power it seems the media only wants to highlight the failings of their members. The Dems would do well to mention the Republican members facing ethics or criminal charges as well. Political corruption is definitely a well balanced "menu" in America that involves both sides of the aisle.

This week the White House has their Press Secretary Gibbs singing a new tune about how the Dems will keep the House in the November election. Let's hope they are correct.

Random Denny Thought: The Dems would do well to beef up their slogan beyond, "Hey! It really sucks with the Republicans who are putting you into the Poor House and plan to sell you off as slaves on the Wall Street auction block. It's bad with us - but it's a whole lot worse with the Republicans. Vote for us!" You guys need new political operatives with fresh ideas that are certainly more appealing.

Speaking of political operatives, the White House ones trotted out the President onto the daytime TV set of "The View" to try and grab back the disenfranchised female audience who voted for him. Talk about controversy. The Republicans were screaming at the top of their lungs about it wasn't Presidential to attend a daytime female audience show as it cheapened the Presidency. How lame can you get? Presidents Nixon and Bush 43 already ruined what was left of respect for the Presidency. You can't blame that one on President Obama.

Then the intellectual feminist crowd booed Obama practically off the stage when he quipped about The View was about the only show his wife would watch. A lot of women were outraged at his sexist remark. I just yawned. So what? The President clearly looked bored and sometimes uncomfortable in such tight quarters with so many women. He's more of a man's man, feeling better out in the fresh air playing golf. If I were President and got trotted out to the set of the sports channel ESPN you would have seen me equally bored, though I've never been uncomfortable in a room full of men.

Did I really care if he went on that show? No. The show bores me and I don't watch it. I can do enough hissy fit fussing on my own. I don't need to go looking for it on the tube. All I have to do to get riled up is read the daily news - and I'm off and running with the word play on the blogs, solving all the problems and saving the world. :)

Funny Videos Featured this week:

Funny Video: Jon Stewart Mocks Media For Sorry WikiLeaks Reaction

Funny Video: Colberts Live Tony Hayward Cam Tracking His Slow Resignation

Bill Day

From Jay Leno:

Because of Arizona's new law, a lot of immigrants have fled the state and returned to their homeland, Los Angeles.

President Obama said he had a good time on 'The View,' and that the ladies on the show talk a lot less than Joe Biden.

Whiny Tony Hayward - you know the cry-baby BP CEO guy - he says life’s not fair and that sometimes you step off a curb and you get hit by a bus. You know, if life was fair, that bus would have been driven by an unemployed Louisiana shrimp boat operator.

President Obama is going on 'The View' to talk about the economy. Later on, he’ll go to 'General Hospital' to explain to doctors how the new healthcare system works.

With Arizona’s new immigration law getting ready to kick in, there’s a new slogan: 'What happens in Arizona stays in Mexico.'

Nick Anderson

Congress’ approval rating has hit an all-time low of 11 percent. To give you an idea of how bad that is, the BP oil spill is at 12 percent.

Continental announced a new feature called 'self boarding.' There’s no ticket agent taking your boarding pass anymore, and you scan it yourself as you board the plane. It’s part of Continental’s 'Terrorists Fly Hassel-free' program.

President Obama's new message to the American people is 'things could be a lot worse.' We've gone from 'change you can believe in' to 'things could be a lot worse.' The sequel is never as good as the original.

BP announced that as a result of their own internal investigation, it has cleared itself of all blame in the Gulf oil spill. In a related story, Congressman Charlie Rangel has announced that he will be investigating himself and will find himself completely innocent.

An American named Bob Dudley is BP's new CEO. Nice to see an American taking a job from a foreigner for once.

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie said this week that 'Jersey Shore' is giving New Jersey a bad name. As opposed to the good, clean, inspirational shows about New Jersey, like 'The Sopranos.'

Vice President Joe Biden has declared that the heavy lifting is over for the year, and it's time to begin campaigning and talking about the White House's accomplishments. The heavy lifting might be over, but it sounds like the heavy shoveling is just beginning.

Shirley Sherrod was fired from her job at the Agriculture Department, then they said they made a mistake and offered to hire her back. Today, Gen. McChrystal asked if he could have his job back.

WikiLeaks has posted over 90,000 classified documents about the war in Afghanistan. The Pentagon is outraged, the White House is furious, but British Petroleum is relieved: 'Finally, a leak we had nothing to do with.'

Ford has moved ahead of Toyota in sales and they say they're not stopping until they see even better results. Not stopping? That's what screwed up Toyota.

A new poll shows that Congress' approval rating is at a record low of 11 percent. The other 89 percent are going to withhold judgment until Congress actually does something.

Steve Benson

Democratic Congressman Charlie Rangel was charged with multiple ethics violations. Members of Congress were stunned. They had no idea there was more than one ethics.

Budget problems are so bad in Newark, New Jersey, that the mayor has ordered the government to stop buying toilet paper for public restrooms. They're calling this the worst thing to happen to the state since 'Jersey Shore.'

Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich did not testify at his trial. He wanted to testify, but he sold his seat at the court for $100,000." –Jay Leno
"Happy birthday to former Sen. Bob Dole. He's 175 years old today." –Jay Leno

Have you guys seen this show 'White House Apprentice?' It's a lot like the other 'Apprentice,' but on this one, when the boss fires you, he offers you your job back a day later.

Britney Spears has been giving her support to Mel Gibson throughout the scandal, which is ironic because Mel's latest tape is called, 'Oops, I did it again.'

Chip Bok

From David Letterman:

President Obama is going to be on ‘The View.’ Who says this guy isn’t willing to confront radical extremists?

Chelsea Clinton is getting married this weekend. I don’t know how this happened, but she’s marrying Levi Johnston.

A lot of security at the wedding, a huge security detail, and that’s just to keep Bill from the bridesmaids.

Arizona's immigration law went into effect today. If you want to boycott Arizona, instead of going to see the Grand Canyon, come to New York City to see our potholes.

President Obama is in town for an appearance on 'The View.' He probably won’t get a word in edgewise, but he said he’s used to it. He lives with his mother-in-law.

Elmhurst, Ind. wants to make it illegal to roll your eyes in public. But what if Rod Blagojevich comes to town and declares his innocence?

David Letterman's "Top Ten Reasons Jeb Bush Isn’t Running for President"

10. Worried he can’t live up to the expectations
9. Doesn’t want to live in a house previously occupied by a smoker
8. Too busy with his daily routine: gym, tan, laundry
7. Huckabee has a lock on the 'pasty fat guy' vote
6. Leaves voicemail messages that make Mel Gibson sound like a choir boy
5. Scared of Lincoln’s ghost
4. Wants to be an 'American Idol' judge
3. Wasn’t blessed with the Bush family stammer
2. For some reason, he’d rather not inherit two wars, massive debt, and an ocean full of oil
1. No governor siblings to help him rig the election

Elmhurst, Illinois is going to outlaw eye-rolling. So what happens if John McCain shows up and says he still thinks he made the right choice with Sarah Palin?

BP CEO Tony Hayward is being sent to a project in Siberia. He wants to go to a part of the planet that hasn't been ruined yet.

King Tut's chariot is in New York City for two weeks, then it goes right back to Jay Leno's garage.

King Tut used the chariot on his first date with Barbara Walters.

Chip Bok

David Letterman's "Top Ten Surprises In The Leaked Government Documents"

10. Revealed secret recipe for Ayman Al-Zawahiri's 'Easy Cheesy Potato Casserole'
9. Intelligence agencies have almost deciphered the plot of 'Inception'
8. Outlined the Knicks' failed strategy to get LeBron
7. Terror chatter is at its lowest during 'Cake Boss'
6. Al-Qaida canceled plan to destroy Gulf of Mexico when BP beat them to it
5. Haven't found Osama's cave, but did find his 'man cave' with a sweet 65-inch flat screen
4. Despite stern memo from Kathy Mavrikakis, documents weren't printed double-sided
3. Discovered classified location of Chelsea Clinton's wedding
2. Obama and Osama almost appeared with Oprah in Tostitos Super Bowl commercial
1. Turns out the 9-year, no-end-in-sight Afghan war isn't going well

The White House is very upset about a bunch of secret documents about the Afghanistan war that were leaked online. Out of habit, BP apologized.

BP is firing its CEO, Tony Hayward. They're negotiating a settlement for $18 million. Boy, that'll teach him.

David Letterman's Top Ten Questions on the BP CEO Application

10. Do you have prior experience working for greedy thugs?
9. How many lies can you type per minute?
8. Do you own a lot of towels and rags?
7. On a scale of 1-10, how committed are you to protecting the environment, 1 meaning 'Not very much' and 10 meaning 'Not at all'?
6. What species do you most want to drive into extinction?
5. This isn't about the job, but seriously, how crazy are those Mel Gibson recordings?
4. Do you know how to beat a lie detector?
3. Have you ever seen a donkey parasailing?
2. By the way, would you mind firing the last guy for us?
1. Any suggestions on where we should have our next spill?

The brother of former President George Bush, Jeb Bush, is running for president. Yep, and the campaign slogan is, 'I'm going to finish what my brother started.'

So Jeb Bush is running for president. I don't know about the rest of the country, but thank God, ladies and gentlemen, the comedy recession is over!

Political experts and pundits and people who know the Bushes are saying that Jeb Bush is smarter than his brother. That's damning with faint praise, isn't it? Who the hell isn't smarter than his brother, for God's sake?

Steve Benson

From Craig Ferguson:

Scientists are saying that a giant asteroid could strike the earth in 2182, and that it could decimate the planet and destroy most forms of life. A spokesman for BP said, 'Been there, done that.'

A federal judge has blocked Arizona’s immigration law. Immigrants have been celebrating and throwing confetti. The governor of Arizona said, 'Sure, now they’re showing us their papers.'

Tony Hayward is stepping down as CEO of BP. They weren't supposed to make the announcement yet, but of course, the news leaked.

Leaked documents show that Pakistan has been taking American money and using it to fund the Taliban. The Pakistanis are denying it, and they're like, 'The Taliban bought those iPods with their own money.'

WikiLeaks has 91,000 secret documents, but who has the time to read that? I can barely get through the instructions on a shampoo bottle.

It turns out that our biggest ally in the region is Russia. With all due respect to Russia, it's not the best place to get advice on how to win in Afghanistan.

Chip Bok

From Jimmy Kimmel:

President Bush's memoir is set to come out just in time for the midterm elections and it has some Republicans upset because it may remind voters of — President Bush.

One conservative columnist called the timing of the book release 'selfish and stupid,' which, coincidentally, is also the title of the book.

Chuck Asay

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is lashing out at Paul the Octopus, who predicted winners in the World Cup. Ahmadinejad said the octopus represents what’s wrong with the West. I guess he’s never seen 'Jersey Shore.'

He said Paul the Octopus is a symbol of decadence and decay in the Western world. You have to lose some dictator credibility when you pick a fight with an octopus.

There are more Mel Gibson tapes coming out. How many of these do they have? It might be time to drill a relief well in Mel Gibson.

Paris Hilton is in hot water for a picture in which she looks like she's doing a Nazi salute. Let's be honest, Paris Hilton has no idea what a Nazi salute is. She probably thinks Nazi is a game you play with dice.

The heat in Washington D.C. was so bad today, that the Supreme Court had to wear their emergency sleeveless robes.

BP will replace Tony Hayward as CEO. He plans to spend more time at home spilling every liquid in his kitchen cabinet.

Violence struck at Comic-Con when an argument between two men resulted in one being arrested for stabbing the other with a pen. Which proved that the pen is mightier than the light saber.

There were 80,000 guys dressed as superheroes and no one stepped in to save him.

Facebook now has more than 500 million users, which may help explain why unemployment is around 10 percent.

Facebook now has 500 million users. The previous record holder was heroin.

Lisa Benson

From Jimmy Fallon:

Toyota is recalling more than 400,000 cars in the U.S. because of steering problems. Toyota's crisis management spokesman issued a statement saying, 'Good to be back.'

BP CEO Tony Hayward complained that he was unfairly 'demonized' in the U.S. over his handling of the Gulf oil spill. In response, demons complained that they were unfairly compared to BP CEO Tony Hayward.

President Obama was in New York today to tape his appearance on 'The View.' Whoopi asked him about the economy, Joy asked about the war, and Elizabeth asked for his birth certificate.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said that Paul the Octopus is a symbol of decadence and decay in the western world. Which is exactly what Paul the Octopus predicted he would say.

Chuck Asay

President Obama is going on a 10-day vacation to Martha's Vineyard in August. Obama was like, 'This is my longest vacation ever,' and voters were like, 'Wait'll you see the one we're planning for you!'

Former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice performed a duet with Aretha Franklin at a charity event. Not to be outdone, President Bush played tambourine on three songs with The Wiggles.

There were reports over the weekend that BP's CEO Tony Hayward could resign within the next two days. Two days. Of course, in BP time, that's like six months.

The founder of WikiLeaks just released 91,000 classified documents about the war in Afghanistan, and he said he plans to post thousands more. I just wish he'd hurry, because I breezed through those first 91,000. It's like waiting for the next Harry Potter.

There's a report that Kate Gosselin and Sarah Palin are taking their families camping together in Alaska. And it must be true, because Sarah Palin hasn't refudiated it yet.

Lisa Benson

President Obama and his family are going on vacation in the Gulf Coast next month. Of course, the Gulf Coast is a lovely place to sit back and relax — just ask BP.

Starbucks' profits went up 37 percent in the third quarter of this year. They say they owe the increase to their new strategy of opening a Starbucks inside an existing Starbucks.

A woman from Washington is suing American Airlines for 5 million dollars after they lost her luggage. When the airline said that's a ridiculous amount of money for luggage, she was like, 'Now you know how we feel.'

*** Bozo Sapien Award photo by I'm Fantastic @ flickr

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