Funny Video: Letterman Teases Obama For Frequent Vacations

Irreverent comic Letterman chides both Tiger Woods and Prez Obama for their ideas of relaxation.





From Denny: Letterman rips into Tiger Woods and then moves along to teasing Prez Obama about how much time he takes off. Letterman proceeds to photoshop the Presidential address in a couple of funny ways. Always irreverent and amusing. Take a look.







*** Return to main post for more funny videos:

Roundup of Late Night Funnies - 14 Sept 2010 - Catch up on the latest comedic musings and amusements from Colbert, Stewart and late night show jokes, funny video clips and newest cartoons before they post for the week at other sites.



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*** Come by for a visit and check out my other blogs:

The Social Poets - news, politics
The Soul Calendar - science, astronomy, psychology
Visual Insights - photos, art, music
Beautiful Illustrated Quotations - spiritual quotes, philosophy
Poems From A Spiritual Heart - poetry
The Healing Waters - health news
Dennys People Watching - people in the news
Dennys Food and Recipes
Dennys Funny Quotes - humor

Roundup of Late Night Funnies - 2 Aug 2010

*** Check out jokes from the late night comedians about American society, funny videos from Colbert and Stewart and a few of the newest political cartoons.





From Denny: There's plenty red hot political scandals to match up with the freaking hot weather across America this week. In Gulf Shores, Alabama, they suffered a 125 degree F. heat index - whew! And I thought 110 degree F. heat index was suffering...

The ethics probes continue on various House members, both Democrat and Republican. Because the Dems are in power it seems the media only wants to highlight the failings of their members. The Dems would do well to mention the Republican members facing ethics or criminal charges as well. Political corruption is definitely a well balanced "menu" in America that involves both sides of the aisle.

This week the White House has their Press Secretary Gibbs singing a new tune about how the Dems will keep the House in the November election. Let's hope they are correct.

Random Denny Thought: The Dems would do well to beef up their slogan beyond, "Hey! It really sucks with the Republicans who are putting you into the Poor House and plan to sell you off as slaves on the Wall Street auction block. It's bad with us - but it's a whole lot worse with the Republicans. Vote for us!" You guys need new political operatives with fresh ideas that are certainly more appealing.

Speaking of political operatives, the White House ones trotted out the President onto the daytime TV set of "The View" to try and grab back the disenfranchised female audience who voted for him. Talk about controversy. The Republicans were screaming at the top of their lungs about it wasn't Presidential to attend a daytime female audience show as it cheapened the Presidency. How lame can you get? Presidents Nixon and Bush 43 already ruined what was left of respect for the Presidency. You can't blame that one on President Obama.

Then the intellectual feminist crowd booed Obama practically off the stage when he quipped about The View was about the only show his wife would watch. A lot of women were outraged at his sexist remark. I just yawned. So what? The President clearly looked bored and sometimes uncomfortable in such tight quarters with so many women. He's more of a man's man, feeling better out in the fresh air playing golf. If I were President and got trotted out to the set of the sports channel ESPN you would have seen me equally bored, though I've never been uncomfortable in a room full of men.

Did I really care if he went on that show? No. The show bores me and I don't watch it. I can do enough hissy fit fussing on my own. I don't need to go looking for it on the tube. All I have to do to get riled up is read the daily news - and I'm off and running with the word play on the blogs, solving all the problems and saving the world. :)



Funny Videos Featured this week:


Funny Video: Jon Stewart Mocks Media For Sorry WikiLeaks Reaction

Funny Video: Colberts Live Tony Hayward Cam Tracking His Slow Resignation








From Jay Leno:


Because of Arizona's new law, a lot of immigrants have fled the state and returned to their homeland, Los Angeles.

President Obama said he had a good time on 'The View,' and that the ladies on the show talk a lot less than Joe Biden.

Whiny Tony Hayward - you know the cry-baby BP CEO guy - he says life’s not fair and that sometimes you step off a curb and you get hit by a bus. You know, if life was fair, that bus would have been driven by an unemployed Louisiana shrimp boat operator.

President Obama is going on 'The View' to talk about the economy. Later on, he’ll go to 'General Hospital' to explain to doctors how the new healthcare system works.

With Arizona’s new immigration law getting ready to kick in, there’s a new slogan: 'What happens in Arizona stays in Mexico.'







Congress’ approval rating has hit an all-time low of 11 percent. To give you an idea of how bad that is, the BP oil spill is at 12 percent.

Continental announced a new feature called 'self boarding.' There’s no ticket agent taking your boarding pass anymore, and you scan it yourself as you board the plane. It’s part of Continental’s 'Terrorists Fly Hassel-free' program.

President Obama's new message to the American people is 'things could be a lot worse.' We've gone from 'change you can believe in' to 'things could be a lot worse.' The sequel is never as good as the original.

BP announced that as a result of their own internal investigation, it has cleared itself of all blame in the Gulf oil spill. In a related story, Congressman Charlie Rangel has announced that he will be investigating himself and will find himself completely innocent.

An American named Bob Dudley is BP's new CEO. Nice to see an American taking a job from a foreigner for once.

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie said this week that 'Jersey Shore' is giving New Jersey a bad name. As opposed to the good, clean, inspirational shows about New Jersey, like 'The Sopranos.'

Vice President Joe Biden has declared that the heavy lifting is over for the year, and it's time to begin campaigning and talking about the White House's accomplishments. The heavy lifting might be over, but it sounds like the heavy shoveling is just beginning.

Shirley Sherrod was fired from her job at the Agriculture Department, then they said they made a mistake and offered to hire her back. Today, Gen. McChrystal asked if he could have his job back.

WikiLeaks has posted over 90,000 classified documents about the war in Afghanistan. The Pentagon is outraged, the White House is furious, but British Petroleum is relieved: 'Finally, a leak we had nothing to do with.'

Ford has moved ahead of Toyota in sales and they say they're not stopping until they see even better results. Not stopping? That's what screwed up Toyota.

A new poll shows that Congress' approval rating is at a record low of 11 percent. The other 89 percent are going to withhold judgment until Congress actually does something.







Democratic Congressman Charlie Rangel was charged with multiple ethics violations. Members of Congress were stunned. They had no idea there was more than one ethics.

Budget problems are so bad in Newark, New Jersey, that the mayor has ordered the government to stop buying toilet paper for public restrooms. They're calling this the worst thing to happen to the state since 'Jersey Shore.'

Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich did not testify at his trial. He wanted to testify, but he sold his seat at the court for $100,000." –Jay Leno
"Happy birthday to former Sen. Bob Dole. He's 175 years old today." –Jay Leno

Have you guys seen this show 'White House Apprentice?' It's a lot like the other 'Apprentice,' but on this one, when the boss fires you, he offers you your job back a day later.

Britney Spears has been giving her support to Mel Gibson throughout the scandal, which is ironic because Mel's latest tape is called, 'Oops, I did it again.'









From David Letterman:


President Obama is going to be on ‘The View.’ Who says this guy isn’t willing to confront radical extremists?

Chelsea Clinton is getting married this weekend. I don’t know how this happened, but she’s marrying Levi Johnston.

A lot of security at the wedding, a huge security detail, and that’s just to keep Bill from the bridesmaids.

Arizona's immigration law went into effect today. If you want to boycott Arizona, instead of going to see the Grand Canyon, come to New York City to see our potholes.

President Obama is in town for an appearance on 'The View.' He probably won’t get a word in edgewise, but he said he’s used to it. He lives with his mother-in-law.

Elmhurst, Ind. wants to make it illegal to roll your eyes in public. But what if Rod Blagojevich comes to town and declares his innocence?


David Letterman's "Top Ten Reasons Jeb Bush Isn’t Running for President"

10. Worried he can’t live up to the expectations
9. Doesn’t want to live in a house previously occupied by a smoker
8. Too busy with his daily routine: gym, tan, laundry
7. Huckabee has a lock on the 'pasty fat guy' vote
6. Leaves voicemail messages that make Mel Gibson sound like a choir boy
5. Scared of Lincoln’s ghost
4. Wants to be an 'American Idol' judge
3. Wasn’t blessed with the Bush family stammer
2. For some reason, he’d rather not inherit two wars, massive debt, and an ocean full of oil
1. No governor siblings to help him rig the election


Elmhurst, Illinois is going to outlaw eye-rolling. So what happens if John McCain shows up and says he still thinks he made the right choice with Sarah Palin?

BP CEO Tony Hayward is being sent to a project in Siberia. He wants to go to a part of the planet that hasn't been ruined yet.

King Tut's chariot is in New York City for two weeks, then it goes right back to Jay Leno's garage.

King Tut used the chariot on his first date with Barbara Walters.








David Letterman's "Top Ten Surprises In The Leaked Government Documents"

10. Revealed secret recipe for Ayman Al-Zawahiri's 'Easy Cheesy Potato Casserole'
9. Intelligence agencies have almost deciphered the plot of 'Inception'
8. Outlined the Knicks' failed strategy to get LeBron
7. Terror chatter is at its lowest during 'Cake Boss'
6. Al-Qaida canceled plan to destroy Gulf of Mexico when BP beat them to it
5. Haven't found Osama's cave, but did find his 'man cave' with a sweet 65-inch flat screen
4. Despite stern memo from Kathy Mavrikakis, documents weren't printed double-sided
3. Discovered classified location of Chelsea Clinton's wedding
2. Obama and Osama almost appeared with Oprah in Tostitos Super Bowl commercial
1. Turns out the 9-year, no-end-in-sight Afghan war isn't going well


The White House is very upset about a bunch of secret documents about the Afghanistan war that were leaked online. Out of habit, BP apologized.

BP is firing its CEO, Tony Hayward. They're negotiating a settlement for $18 million. Boy, that'll teach him.


David Letterman's Top Ten Questions on the BP CEO Application

10. Do you have prior experience working for greedy thugs?
9. How many lies can you type per minute?
8. Do you own a lot of towels and rags?
7. On a scale of 1-10, how committed are you to protecting the environment, 1 meaning 'Not very much' and 10 meaning 'Not at all'?
6. What species do you most want to drive into extinction?
5. This isn't about the job, but seriously, how crazy are those Mel Gibson recordings?
4. Do you know how to beat a lie detector?
3. Have you ever seen a donkey parasailing?
2. By the way, would you mind firing the last guy for us?
1. Any suggestions on where we should have our next spill?


The brother of former President George Bush, Jeb Bush, is running for president. Yep, and the campaign slogan is, 'I'm going to finish what my brother started.'

So Jeb Bush is running for president. I don't know about the rest of the country, but thank God, ladies and gentlemen, the comedy recession is over!

Political experts and pundits and people who know the Bushes are saying that Jeb Bush is smarter than his brother. That's damning with faint praise, isn't it? Who the hell isn't smarter than his brother, for God's sake?










From Craig Ferguson:


Scientists are saying that a giant asteroid could strike the earth in 2182, and that it could decimate the planet and destroy most forms of life. A spokesman for BP said, 'Been there, done that.'

A federal judge has blocked Arizona’s immigration law. Immigrants have been celebrating and throwing confetti. The governor of Arizona said, 'Sure, now they’re showing us their papers.'

Tony Hayward is stepping down as CEO of BP. They weren't supposed to make the announcement yet, but of course, the news leaked.

Leaked documents show that Pakistan has been taking American money and using it to fund the Taliban. The Pakistanis are denying it, and they're like, 'The Taliban bought those iPods with their own money.'

WikiLeaks has 91,000 secret documents, but who has the time to read that? I can barely get through the instructions on a shampoo bottle.

It turns out that our biggest ally in the region is Russia. With all due respect to Russia, it's not the best place to get advice on how to win in Afghanistan.









From Jimmy Kimmel:


President Bush's memoir is set to come out just in time for the midterm elections and it has some Republicans upset because it may remind voters of — President Bush.

One conservative columnist called the timing of the book release 'selfish and stupid,' which, coincidentally, is also the title of the book.









Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is lashing out at Paul the Octopus, who predicted winners in the World Cup. Ahmadinejad said the octopus represents what’s wrong with the West. I guess he’s never seen 'Jersey Shore.'

He said Paul the Octopus is a symbol of decadence and decay in the Western world. You have to lose some dictator credibility when you pick a fight with an octopus.

There are more Mel Gibson tapes coming out. How many of these do they have? It might be time to drill a relief well in Mel Gibson.

Paris Hilton is in hot water for a picture in which she looks like she's doing a Nazi salute. Let's be honest, Paris Hilton has no idea what a Nazi salute is. She probably thinks Nazi is a game you play with dice.

The heat in Washington D.C. was so bad today, that the Supreme Court had to wear their emergency sleeveless robes.

BP will replace Tony Hayward as CEO. He plans to spend more time at home spilling every liquid in his kitchen cabinet.

Violence struck at Comic-Con when an argument between two men resulted in one being arrested for stabbing the other with a pen. Which proved that the pen is mightier than the light saber.

There were 80,000 guys dressed as superheroes and no one stepped in to save him.

Facebook now has more than 500 million users, which may help explain why unemployment is around 10 percent.

Facebook now has 500 million users. The previous record holder was heroin.









From Jimmy Fallon:


Toyota is recalling more than 400,000 cars in the U.S. because of steering problems. Toyota's crisis management spokesman issued a statement saying, 'Good to be back.'

BP CEO Tony Hayward complained that he was unfairly 'demonized' in the U.S. over his handling of the Gulf oil spill. In response, demons complained that they were unfairly compared to BP CEO Tony Hayward.

President Obama was in New York today to tape his appearance on 'The View.' Whoopi asked him about the economy, Joy asked about the war, and Elizabeth asked for his birth certificate.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said that Paul the Octopus is a symbol of decadence and decay in the western world. Which is exactly what Paul the Octopus predicted he would say.








President Obama is going on a 10-day vacation to Martha's Vineyard in August. Obama was like, 'This is my longest vacation ever,' and voters were like, 'Wait'll you see the one we're planning for you!'

Former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice performed a duet with Aretha Franklin at a charity event. Not to be outdone, President Bush played tambourine on three songs with The Wiggles.

There were reports over the weekend that BP's CEO Tony Hayward could resign within the next two days. Two days. Of course, in BP time, that's like six months.

The founder of WikiLeaks just released 91,000 classified documents about the war in Afghanistan, and he said he plans to post thousands more. I just wish he'd hurry, because I breezed through those first 91,000. It's like waiting for the next Harry Potter.

There's a report that Kate Gosselin and Sarah Palin are taking their families camping together in Alaska. And it must be true, because Sarah Palin hasn't refudiated it yet.







President Obama and his family are going on vacation in the Gulf Coast next month. Of course, the Gulf Coast is a lovely place to sit back and relax — just ask BP.

Starbucks' profits went up 37 percent in the third quarter of this year. They say they owe the increase to their new strategy of opening a Starbucks inside an existing Starbucks.

A woman from Washington is suing American Airlines for 5 million dollars after they lost her luggage. When the airline said that's a ridiculous amount of money for luggage, she was like, 'Now you know how we feel.'



*** Bozo Sapien Award photo by I'm Fantastic @ flickr


*** THANKS for visiting, feel welcome to drop a comment or opinion, enjoy bookmarking this post on your favorite social site, a big shout out to awesome current subscribers – and if you are new to this blog, please subscribe in a reader or by email updates!

*** Come by for a visit and check out my other blogs:

The Social Poets - news, politics
The Soul Calendar - science, astronomy, psychology
Visual Insights - photos, art, music
Beautiful Illustrated Quotations - spiritual quotes, philosophy
Poems From A Spiritual Heart - poetry
The Healing Waters - health news
Dennys People Watching - people in the news
Dennys Food and Recipes
Dennys Funny Quotes - humor

Colbert Lampoons Immigration and Pot Smokers - Roundup of Late Nite Comedy 26 Apr 2010

From Denny: If only I could stay up late and watch all the late night comics all at once... The next best thing is to corral all their funny quips about the state of affairs in America and the world into one post. These guys are the social commentators of our time!

Included also are some of the latest (since Saturday) political cartoons just released with references to the sex crazed Republican National Committee, Earth Day and Arizona immigration.

Check out the latest Colbert Report video clips as he lampoons the new Arizona immigration bill and has some fun with the pot smoking community.

Thanks for stopping by for a visit and enjoy the start to your work week with a lots of laughs to keep you going until Friday blissfully arrives! :)



From Jay Leno:


One good thing came out of this volcano in Iceland. Economists say consumers can expect a huge drop in the price of lava lamps.

President Obama gave a speech in New York about his plans to reform the rules for Wall St. A lot of Wall St. executives were shaking in their boots when the president showed up. The bad news is, they were $800 Italian leather boots that were bought with our bailout money.

See Cartoons by Cartoon by R.J. Matson - Courtesy of Politicalcartoons.com - Email this Cartoon

Happy Earth Day. To demonstrate their commitment, environmentalists all across the country risked their lives driving Toyota Priuses.

According to USA Today, 71 percent of American households have already filled out and returned their census. That's the good news. The bad news — they filled it out in Spanish.

President Obama met with Wall Street executives today. He told them to stop fighting this financial reform. But the Wall Street executives are kind of copping an attitude with the president. You know, I got an idea. Forget financial reform. Let's put them in prison. Call it prison reform. See how they like it then.

Oh, yeah. They don't want the government messing with their business unless it's a bailout. Then, 'Please!'

To give you an idea how popular President Obama is around the world — he's probably the most popular leader in the world — this is amazing. They opened a nightclub in China named after President Obama. It will be an Obama-themed nightclub. Here's the amazing thing — hasn't even opened yet and already $12 trillion in debt.

Well, the government said today Somali pirates being held in U.S. custody will be brought to the United States for prosecution, and they will be tried by a jury of their peers. So I'm guessing that's what, Goldman Sachs?

You see this on the news? Gay and lesbian activists chained themselves to the White House fence to protest the 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy. And when Republican Party officials saw the lesbians chaining themselves to the fence, out of force of habit, they paid $2,000 to watch.

A new study shows that fewer and fewer immigrants are sending money they earn here back home. They'd like to, but there's no one left at home. They all live here now. They just send it across the street.

See Cartoons by Cartoon by Pat Bagley - Courtesy of Politicalcartoons.com - Email this Cartoon

This is rather disturbing. A government panel made up of all retired military personnel says that the school lunches are a threat to our national security because they make our kids too fat to serve the country. It's unbelievable. Remember the old days, when the Army wanted the best and the brightest? Now they're stuck with the biggest and the widest.

Here's something great. General Motors today paid back all the government loans five years ahead of schedule. Amazing what hard work, careful planning and Toyotas rolling over and crashing into trees can do for you.

And unemployment here in California, over 12 percent now. Give you an idea how bad it is, you know the best way to make money in California now? Marrying and divorcing Larry King.

Well, in an interview on the 'Today' show, Bill Clinton told Jenna Bush Hager, who is George Bush's daughter, that his only involvement in the planning of his daughter Chelsea's wedding is paying the bill. Although, since he's a Democrat, he doesn't actually pay the bill himself; he leaves it for future generations of Americans. But you get the idea.

For those of you visiting from Iceland, happy Ash Wednesday.

The British government sent a warship to France to bring home stranded Britons. There was an embarrassing moment — when the ship pulled up to the port, the French immediately surrendered.

The volcano was spewing out so much ash that now, the Catholic Church is saying it couldn't even see what it was doing wrong.

The giant cloud of ash over Amsterdam is so bad that you can't even see the giant cloud of hashish.

According to a top Iranian cleric, earthquakes and volcanoes are caused by women wearing immodest clothing. Or as most guys would call it: a fair trade-off.

President Obama and some prominent Democrats proposed a solution to the erupting volcano — they want to pour money into it.

Toyota is recalling 600,000 minivans because the spare tire holder can break and the spare tire can go flying down the highway. It's bad enough Toyota cars can run you off the road — now the parts are chasing you down the street.


*** Colbert lampoons the 4/20 pot smoking holiday, trying to kill their buzz. Colbert satirically warns that pot smoking could lead to awful tragedies like the music group Phish getting back together and other horrific occurrences.

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Stephen Refuses to Celebrate 4/20
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor Fox News

From Jimmy Kimmel:


A new poll found that a substantial number of Americans still aren't convinced that President Obama was born in the United States. Only 58 percent believe that Obama was born here, and 20 percent think he was born in another country. I don't believe Obama was born at all.

Vice President Biden appeared on 'The View.' They were trying to set the Guinness Record for most Botox on one couch. And they did, so congratulations.

Happy Earth Day to everyone. An estimated one billion people celebrate Earth Day. Al Gore, in particular, is wasted right now.

Yesterday was 4/20, known to stoners around the country as National Weed Day. There were pro-marijuana legalization rallies all around the country, especially here in California, where freedom fighters like this guy exercised their right to free speech vigorously. 'Here in the meadow, people were chilling out. Some, maybe too much. We're here just to have a bunch of fun in a field.' That's a good way to spend a Tuesday, while your parents are paying tuition.

The Fox network had their annual telethon 'Idol Gives Back.' I was hoping they would give back the hundreds of hours I've wasted watching 'American Idol.'

The new $100 bill was unveiled today. So if you have any old $100 bills, you can throw them away now.

The Supreme Court is hearing a case about 'sexting.' Apparently the justices of the Supreme Court are not up to date on technology. Chief Justice Roberts asked what is the difference between an e-mail and a pager. Justice Roberts is only 55 years old. He's young enough to be Larry King's next wife.

Today is April 20, which is like Christmas for pot-smokers. It all started in the 1700s when St. Patrick drove the stoners out of Ireland with a pack of Twinkies.

In celebration of 4/20, the volcano in Iceland is still smoking. And it just asked for Hot Pockets.

Travelers have been stranded in dozens of countries, but they're finally allowing flights to take off to countries that no one likes.

See Cartoons by Cartoon by Cameron Cardow - Courtesy of Politicalcartoons.com - Email this Cartoon

From David Letterman:


You know, a lot of people were flying and got delayed by the Icelandic volcano, and everybody is upset. They lost billions of dollars in revenue. And I said, 'O.K., it's kind of their fault. I mean to be flying during the volcano season, come on! Are you nuts? Really? Your own fault.'

Here is a story that is kind of perplexing: 221 years ago, George Washington went to the library here in New York, took out some books, never returned them. 221 years of overdue library fines. I tell you something, ladies and gentlemen, if you want to blame this economic crisis on a president, what about that guy?

Here's news now from the Supreme Court. Justice John Paul Stevens is retiring. He's in his 90s, Justice John Paul Stevens. Said he has had enough, wants to spend more time judging his family.

President Obama is here to announce his peace initiative for Mr. and Mrs. Larry King.

Justice John Paul Stevens is retiring. Don't worry, he's getting his own show on TBS.

Al Pacino is starring in a TV movie, where he plays Dr. Jack Kevorkian. Did they not even look at my audition tape? … Dr. Kevorkian was a killing machine. He pulled more plugs than Jay Leno.

Talking about air travel and the volcano. The good news, ladies and gentlemen, regular airline service is resuming. The bad news — regular airline service is resuming.

Is anyone here stranded because of the volcano? Well, that's what you get for traveling during volcano season.

Because of the volcano, the airlines lost $2 billion. Usually, all they lose is my luggage.

Because of the volcano in Iceland, thousands of travelers are stranded with no place to sleep, eat, or shower. This is the kind of thing that can really take the fun out of air travel.

"The name of the volcano is Eyjafjallajökull. It's the scariest thing out of Iceland since Björk in that swan outfit.

The volcano cloud is gritty ash and it's making its way toward Russia. In fact, Sarah Palin can see it from her house.



David Letterman's Top Ten Goldman Sachs Excuses


10. Huh?
9. You're saying 'fraud' like it's a bad thing
8. Planned on using money to buy everyone in America delicious KFC Double Down sandwich
7. Distraught over George Lopez's move to midnight
6. We were framed by evil menswear company Goldman Slacks
5. Since when are financial institutions not allowed to screw their customers?
4. Hey sport, how much to make these questions go away?
3. America needed a villain both Republicans and Democrats can hate
2. Everyone we ripped off got an 'I Got Cheated By Goldman Sachs' tote bag
1. Uhh, it's Obama's fault?



*** Colbert pokes jabs at the state of Arizona for passing controversial bold new immigration bill which basically legalizes the harassment of Latinos. Colbert thinks the new strategy is one to irritate and frustrate the Latino community to the point they will get fed up and leave on their own.

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
The Word - No Problemo
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor Fox News

From Craig Ferguson:


Today the U.S. Treasury released its new $100 bill. It's the most high-tech piece of currency the world has ever seen — until Apple comes out with the '$100 bill Nano.'

Happy birthday to Jack Nicholson today, and also it's Earth Day. Planet Earth and Jack Nicholson are different, of course — one is a giant object ravaged by years of abuse and we're running out of time to save it, and the other one is Earth.

The movie 'Avatar' is out on DVD today. James Cameron wanted it to be released on Earth Day because nothing says 'save the planet' like millions of plastic DVD cases.

It's the 40th Earth Day, which is bad news for Earth. Once you get in your forties, your equator expands, your poles start to melt — soon you'll look as bad as Uranus.

See Cartoons by Cartoon by Mike Keefe - Courtesy of Politicalcartoons.com - Email this Cartoon

From Bill Maher:


Oama is getting his mojo back. Apparently, he's going to get this financial package. That's right, the financial package is going through. He got health care. He got that nuclear weapons treaty… He's on a roll and he's taunting his critics. His new slogan is, 'Change You Can Suck On.'

Arizona's Governor had been stalling, you know, on signing this. She said it did not reflect any ambivalence about the bill. She just wanted to make sure her pool was clean and her lawn was mowed before she signed. – on Arizona's immigration bill.

The entire rig sunk. Republicans in Washington today voted to lower flags to half staff in honor of the tragic loss of oil. - on the oil rig in The Gulf of Mexico

What is it with radical Muslims and cartoons? They watch more cartoons than pot-heads. – on the group threatening the "South Park" creators

The problem with the Tea Party movement, besides their almost universal rejection of dentistry, is that they want money for nothing and chicks for free. They want a deregulated free market and their jobs to stay here in the US; they want guaranteed health coverage regardless of preexisting conditions without a big government mandate; they want to call themselves tea baggers and people to keep a straight face. And of course they want big tax cuts along with deficit reduction. I can't even think of a suitable analogy for that disconnect – it's like thinking getting a handjob will clean your garage.

New Rule: Since the Icelandic volcano obviously needs a virgin sacrifice and the Catholic Church obviously needs new leadership the Pope must volunteer to jump in the volcano. Pontiff, don't think of it as endorsing paganism, think of it as supersizing Ash Wednesday. – in his "New Rules" segment

New Rule: If the water in your river makes the male fish grow vaginas, stay thirsty. 90% of Washington D.C.'s drinking water comes from the Potomac, a river so polluted with hormones it makes fish change sex. If I wanted to drink something that makes me grow a vagina, I'd order a wine cooler. – in his "New Rules" segment




From Seth Meyers:


This week Arizona signed the toughest illegal immigration law in the country, which would allow the police to demand identification papers from anyone they suspect is in the country illegally. I know there are some people in Arizona worried that Obama is acting like Hitler, but can we all agree that there's nothing more Nazi than saying, `Show me your papers?' There's never been a WWII movie that didn't include the line, `Show me your papers.' It's their catchphrase. Every time someone says `Show me your papers,' Hitler's family gets a residual check. So heads up Arizona, that's fascism. I know, I know, it's a dry fascism, but it's still fascism. - on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"




From Jon Stewart:


Look I'm sorry I told you to go f**k yourself last week (and that other time, like, six months ago.) I know that I criticize you and Fox News a lot, but only because you're truly a terrible, cynical, disingenuous news organization.

Fox News: You are the lupus of news.

And with a nod to Groundhog Phil who predicted six more weeks of winter this year: Everyone knows if a Republican comes out of the closet and sees a gay shadow, it means six more years of a Democratic administration.


*** AND in the news today:

Scumbag Walmart Lawsuit Caught, Scumbag Goldman Sachs Email Guilty, Scumbag GOP Denies Scumbag Reform - News Headlines 26 Apr 2010


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Roundup of Late Night Comedy 13 Apr 2010

From Denny: The late night comics were out in full force this week having a great time lampooning just about everyone and everything. Tiny Fey, of Saturday Nite Live (SNL), took up her hair and makeup costume to play Sarah Palin again for some great laughs. Tina decided it was time for Sarah Palin to pitch her Sarah Palin Network. As she describes the shows it will have you laughing till your sides hurt.

She even included my state's unpopular-with-everyone Governor Bobby Jindal. Hey, don't look at me. I didn't vote for the guy in that off-year election when about only 5,000 people showed up at the polls besides me. (To be fair I think it was about 20,000 out of one million voters available.) Mine was probably the only "Hell, No!" vote. My fellow Democrats just didn't get it to get out and vote as if it were an "on" year for the Presidential election. Nothing like talking to deaf ears. They have no one to blame but themselves for hospitals closing, corruption in state government, missing or "redirected" public funds, stolen elections and the like.

Back to the comics mocking the comical in our lives... Come to think of it they really should do more SNL skits about Louisiana politics. These guys are real life and still so ridiculously strange it's perfect fodder for the comedians.

Jon Stewart pulled together a string of ultra Republican "news" clips of "preparing to go into bloody battle" against the Democrats over the next Supreme Court nomination since Justice Stevens is retiring this summer. It really does boggle the mind to see just how much time and effort the toxic politics guys put into making sure their followers remain brainwashed into believing the impossible and the ridiculous. Speaking of that, over on Dennys Global Politics, there is a story about just how much Glenn Beck makes - millions - and his comments about his followers. You may want to check out that story:

Worlds Nuke Security, Attacking Glenn Beck, Unsafe Meats, More Nuke Plants in America, Boy Scouts Penalized 4 Abuse - News Headlines 13 Apr 2010

And then there is the Tiger Woods' comeback to the press limelight and the golfing season... Funny stuff all around from President Obama and the political news, they are still talking about the iPad to Krazy Karzai, nukes - who gets them and who gets them taken away - being a comic is the life of the ultimate social commentator. :)

Also, this is tax season, so enjoy these funnies to keep up your good attitude! And you didn't even have to stay up late and miss your beauty rest. How great is that? Come back next week for more grins to get you through your work week... now on with the show!

See Cartoons by Cartoon by Paul Zanetti - Courtesy of Politicalcartoons.com - Email this Cartoon

From David Letterman:


The government says the economy is bouncing back. So now we can go back to making cars nobody wants. That will be good.

People were standing in line around the block all weekend to get an iPad. Out in Arizona, John McCain was waiting in line for an IBM Selectric.

And they've been talking about the iPad for months, maybe years. I'm telling you, it took longer for the iPad to come out than it did Ricky Martin.

Experts believe the iPad will revolutionize the way people procrastinate.


Letterman's Top 10 Thoughts That Go Through Every Accountant's Mind On April 15:

10. 'If I see one more tax return, I'm gonna jam a No. 2 pencil through my eye'
9. 'I think my calculator is talking to me'
8. 'If I screw up, they go to jail, not me'
7. 'Why didn't I become something exciting like a claims adjuster?'
6. 'Should I wear the navy blue suit or the navy blue suit?'
5. 'Get through today and then a 364-day weekend'
4. 'Who knew the bright-eyed little boy I once was would grow into such a bitter man with a soul crushing job'
3. 'Time to fake my death and move to the Cayman Islands'
2. 'Why did I waste time doing a stupid Top Ten at Letterman?'
1. 'This would be a lot easier if I was sober'


You know what happened in Las Vegas today? Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska, was speaking at the alcohol convention in Las Vegas, Nev. Because, I mean, let's face it, nothing says family values like gambling and liquor.

Oh, you know what they do every Monday after Easter at the White House? They have the hunt, on the White House lawn. And they canceled it this year. You know why? I was stunned. I didn't know about this. Last year a couple of kids accidentally stumbled into Dick Cheney's underground torture chamber.

Hey, here's another deal going on over at the Jacob Javitz Center. It's the annual New York City Auto Show. I like the new tiny cars. Like the gas-saving, the tiny little semi-hybrid electric things with the fewer seats. You know, they have fewer seats, just like the Democrats after November, fewer seats.



Jon Stewart lampoons the Republicans over their drumbeat to create yet another toxic partisan battle - this time about spending the entire summer embroiled in rallying the Tea Party ground troops to scream and rant about who might be chosen to join the Supreme Court now that Justice Stevens is retiring. It is amazing how much time and constant effort the Republicans put into brainwashing their followers:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Old Man Retires
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Tea Party

From Jay Leno:


In Afghanistan, President Hamid Karzai is mad at the United States. We said his government is riddled with bribes, corruption, and pay-offs. I guess they're trying to pass healthcare over there too.

According to the Pentagon, al-Qaida has been so weakened financially that they're turning to crimes like drugs, prostitution, and adjustable-rate mortgages.

Well, according to the Pentagon, Al Qaeda is in financial ruin. You know why they're broke? Health insurance premiums.

Well, the big news is Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens is retiring. I mean, this won't affect as many Americans as when Paula left 'American Idol,' but it's still a big deal.

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Tiger Woods said he would try to keep his emotions under control, but after a bad swing, he used the F-word. Who does he think he is — vice president of the United States?"

In a speech, the chairman of the Republican National Committee, Michael Steele, said 'I am the first here to admit I've made mistakes.' Then the stripper giving him a lap-dance said it will still be 20 bucks.

Iranian President Mahmoud I'm-a-nut-job has called President Obama a big bully. You know, when you're 5 feet 2 inches, you think everybody's a big bully.

He threatened to punch President Obama right in the knee.

Sarah Palin's daughter is speaking out. In an interview, Bristol says she realizes she was totally unprepared to be a mother. Hey, it's better than being a mother that's totally unprepared to be vice president.

KFC coming out with their new Double Down sandwich. It's bacon and cheese wrapped inside two pieces of fried chicken. In fact, today, Al Qaeda said: 'We quit. When it comes to killing Americans, we can't keep up with you guys.'

China has canceled a series of Bob Dylan concerts because they say his lyrics are too politically charged. Really? They understand his lyrics? That's unbelievable. Maybe that's why we didn't understand them. He's been singing in Chinese all these years.

Well, earlier this week, President Obama kicked off the baseball season by throwing out the ceremonial first pitch. They said President Bush did a better job throwing out the first pitch. But on the other hand, President Obama can talk.

Next week, the president of China will be at the White House. And good news — he has no plans to foreclose.

Well, give you an idea how important this visit is from the Chinese president, I understand Joe Biden is busy learning some Chinese curse words.

And in a major reversal of U.S. policy, President Obama has narrowed the conditions under which we would use nuclear weapons. He said we'd only use them against Iran, North Korea or Fox News.

Sunday was the big White House Easter egg hunt. Of course, the Catholic priests didn't have time to hide eggs, they were too busy hiding each other.

As you know, the Roman Catholic Church continues to be rocked by this sex abuse crisis. In fact, they're thinking of changing their name to the Roman Polanski Catholic Church.

President Obama has come out with a new policy for using nuclear weapons. In a related story, Joe Biden said he would try not to drop the F-bomb so often.

The FAA announced that they are going to allow airline pilots to take anti-depressants. So now, if your pilot is drunk, at least he'll be a happy drunk.

Well, the Labor Department reported that the economy added 162,000 jobs last month, all of them bodyguards for Tiger Woods.

You know, 30,000 people showed up for the annual Easter Egg Roll at the White House today. Or as Fox News calls it, a 'socialist free food giveaway.'

Well, yesterday, a 7.2 earthquake hit southwest of Tijuana. They say the earthquake was felt by 20 million Mexicans, and that was just here in L.A.

Well, here's some good news. The United States and Russia have signed a historic nuclear weapons treaty. Apparently, Russia is getting a little nervous. They heard we had successfully mounted a warhead on a Toyota Prius.

And a man in Punxsutawney, Pa., last week was charged with public drunkenness after cops caught him giving mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to a flattened, roadkill opossum. Look, I know Obama's health care is supposed to include everybody. But look, this is crazy. It's too much.

The IRS says it's been getting death threats since the health care bill passed because the IRS is going to be the ones in charge of implementing it. They say the threats people are making to the IRS are so bad, that they are actually hindering the IRS's ability to threaten people.

And last week, Sarah Palin gave a speech in Nevada, where she criticized President Barack Obama for being a constitutional law professor. The problem with that statement is Sarah Palin thinks that's an insult. Only in America, you want to insult someone, call them a teacher.

Well, earlier today, President Obama threw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals' home opener against the Philadelphia Phillies. And then Vice President Joe Biden was thrown out for cursing at the umpire.

Actually, President Obama didn't actually throw the ball. He got it to the catcher's mitt through a series of back-door dealings.


Saturday Nite Live's Tina Fey on her latest lampooning of Sarah Palin. She even includes my state's very own - nationally and locally - despised Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal, the-do nothing-for-the-state-Republican-governor-who-is-too-busy-traveling-around-the-world-to-get-campaign-money-for-the-presidential-election-in-2012-and-closing-needed-hospitals-to-look-good-to-greedy-conservatives-and-stingy-wealthy-campaign-donors:






From Jimmy Kimmel:


I watched so much golf this weekend. Tiger finished in 4th place, which means he only won $330,000, which is barely enough to pay his text messaging bill.

Tiger's obviously under a lot of stress. It's very difficult to play when you have a padlock on your underpants.

Conan O'Brien announced today that he will move his show to TBS. Later in the day, Jay Leno announced that he will also move his show to TBS.

I watched golf today. It's boring. There was no sex at all, just a bunch of middle-aged white guys and one guilty-looking black guy walking around.

Tiger Woods returned to golf today. President Obama and Russian President Medvedev signed the necessary documents and just like that, relations have been normalized.

Bristol Palin is continuing her campaign about teen pregnancy. It's funny that she's going around telling kids not to get pregnant when her mom is telling people, 'Drill, baby, drill.'

Bristol was a pregnant teen herself. She named her baby 'Tripp,' with two p's, which is reason enough for teens not to have kids.

John McCain told Newsweek that he doesn't really consider himself a 'maverick.' What kind of man would call himself a maverick for years and then suddenly say he doesn't think of himself as a maverick? I'll tell you what kind — a maverick.

The iPad has only been out for a few days and it has revolutionized the publishing industry. You can download books, you can read them and store them, and for religious fundamentalists, there's a new app that lets you burn them.

President and Mrs. Obama hosted the annual White House Easter Egg Roll today. Dozens of children gathered on the White House lawn to roll eggs toward a finish line while the president cheered them on and Republicans tried to block them.

As you probably know, Michelle Obama's pet project is raising awareness of childhood obesity, so they didn't just roll eggs this year. They rolled a few fat kids to make an example of them.

Then later this afternoon, the president threw out the first pitch at the season opener for the Washington Nationals. You know, baseball has started again. The last time the president threw out a first pitch was at the All-Star Game last year, which was notable, mostly because he was wearing his famous mom jeans when he did it.

Wisely, the president decided to donate those lady pants to the Smithsonian. And today, he sported a pair of gray slacks. The pants were better, but the pitch wasn't. That was more like a free throw than a pitch. Maybe his pitching power was stored in that pair of mom jeans, and now, like Samson without his pony tail, his strength is gone.

See Cartoons by Cartoon by Larry Wright - Courtesy of Politicalcartoons.com - Email this Cartoon

From Craig Ferguson:


President Obama signed a historic treaty with the Russian president today. Not everyone's happy about it. Fox News said it was a 'summit between a powerful communist leader and the president of Russia.'

The treaty is about reducing the number of nuclear weapons we have pointed at each other. I thought we were friends with the Russians but we've really been 'frienemies' this whole time.

When I went to Moscow, I saw the tomb of Lenin. They keep his body preserved in a glass coffin. It's waxy, it's falling apart — it's like Joan Rivers after a Brazilian.

It was announced today that Conan O'Brien has a new talk show on TBS and a lot of people are asking how it will affect this show. It will not — people that watch this show cannot afford basic cable.

KFC restaurants have unveiled the 'Double Down,' which is two slabs of fried chicken with bacon in the middle. Why not — we all have free health insurance.

See Cartoons by Cartoon by Dave Granlund - Courtesy of Politicalcartoons.com - Email this Cartoon

From Jimmy Fallon:


Michelle Obama held a town hall meeting on C-SPAN to answer questions from kids about her anti-obesity campaign. The most popular question from kids was, 'Why are you doing this to us, lady?'

Today, President Obama threw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals' game. Obama took a short windup and threw a high-arcing pitch. Of course, Democrats saw the pitch as moderately close to the middle, while Republicans are calling it 'way to the left and possibly socialist.'

Listen to this, a prominent Filipino businessman quit his job at a major university after admitting that he made a speech plagiarizing Barack Obama, Oprah Winfrey, and J.K. Rowling. People got suspicious after he opened with the line, 'Look under your seats, muggles, because everyone is going home with a free hope and change!'

Under President Obama's new airport security plan, anyone traveling to the U.S. will be stopped if they match the description of a potential terrorist. Wait, we weren't doing this already?

Last night, President Obama gave a speech at the Boston Opera House. It was a long night, because you know what they say about the opera: 'It ain't over until the fat lady gets lectured on her eating habits by Michelle Obama.'

And this is interesting. President Obama unveiled a new gas mileage program that he says is like taking 58 million cars off the road for an entire year. Or as Toyota calls it, 'business as usual.'

More car news. Ford is teaming up with Microsoft to create an all electric car called the Microsoft Hohm. That's smart, because if there's one company that knows how to avoid crashes, it's Microsoft.

A lawmaker in Israel has proposed a popcorn law that would limit high prices of popcorn at the movies. Finally, solving Israel's biggest problem, high popcorn prices.

There's a rumor going around that Hillary Clinton could be Obama's choice for the next Supreme Court justice. That's a lifetime appointment that would take up all of her time, or as Bill Clinton calls it, 'She'll take it.'

Some more news out of Washington. Vice President Joe Biden hosted a big lunch today with foreign leaders at the Naval Observatory. Unfortunately, he spent the entire time asking everyone to observe his navel.

I just heard that CNN is hoping to spice up the show 'Anderson Cooper 360″ by adding a live audience. After that, they're hoping to spice up 'Larry King Live' by adding a live Larry King.

Barry Bonds said he is 'proud' of Mark McGwire for returning to baseball. And it really means a lot coming from Bonds — it's like Tiger Woods getting a high five at the Masters from Jesse James.


*** Check out this story to boggle your mind:


Worlds Nuke Security, Attacking Glenn Beck, Unsafe Meats, More Nuke Plants in America, Boy Scouts Penalized 4 Abuse - News Headlines 13 Apr 2010


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Health Care Quips and Tea Party Jabs, Roundup of Late Night Comedy - 29 Mar 2010

See Cartoons by Cartoon by Jeff Parker - Courtesy of Politicalcartoons.com - Email this Cartoon

From Denny: And here they are in all their glory discussing the passage of the health care bill, the Tea Party, the mishandling - again - by the Catholic Church of yet more sex scandals, this time in Europe, our crazy American politics and even the Census. Enjoy the three video clips from Jon Stewart and Jimmy Fallon. Have a great work week! Oh, and wishing you a very Happy Easter! Try not to pig out on those rich chocolate bunnies... (save some for me)





From Jay Leno:


According to Men's Health magazine, 21 percent of men surveyed would rather have a sexier nurse than a more competent doctor when they're in the hospital. I say, why not have both? The government's paying for it now. Who cares?

Sarah Palin spoke out this week against the health care reform bill, saying, 'Elections have consequences.' Well, of course, elections have consequences. That's why right now, instead of being vice president of the United States, she's trying to get a reality show on the Animal Planet.

They're now looking into whether cosmic rays from outer space could be responsible for causing Priuses to accelerate. What, is Toyota blaming Klingons now?

Well, today, President Obama signed the landmark health care reform bill into law, or as President Obama refers to it, 'The Rush Limbaugh Deportation Act.'

President Obama, boy, he's feeling like a Toyota driver today. There's no stopping him.

I'll tell you how excited the president is. Today, he changed his slogan from 'Yes, we can,' to 'Yes, we finally did something.'

Of course, the White House is now denying it made any side deals with members of Congress to pass this bill. See, I don't know if that's true. Did you see Mount Rushmore today? They're adding Dennis Kucinich's face to it.

Of course, this all couldn't have been done without the help of Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. And today, the president thanked her for her unblinking support.

Actually, Nancy Pelosi used the Internet to help gain support for this. She reached out to people on her favorite social networking site, Icantmovemyfacebook.com.

And to help sell this plan to the American people, President Obama said it's the same plan Congress has. See, I think that's a mistake. I think that's why a lot of people opposed it. Have you seen members of Congress? Do they look healthy to you? Anybody here want to be as fat as Barney Frank? Huh? You want to be as orange as John Boehner? I don't think so.

And of course, a lot of right wingers are very upset about this because they believe this health care bill will cost a lot of money. You know what I think? Just pretend it's another unnecessary war. You'll feel better about it already.

And over the weekend, tens of thousands of illegal immigrants rallied across the country demanding a path to citizenship. Don't we have a path to citizenship? It's called the San Diego Freeway.

And the Pentagon is changing Army basic training for the first time in 30 years to deal with the fact that so many new recruits are so overweight. In fact, the Army's new slogan, 'Don't ask, no seconds.'

A lot of upsets over the weekend. Kansas lost to Northern Iowa. Georgetown lost to Ohio. Republicans lost to the Democrats.

Well, as you know, health care reform was passed by the House last night. Supporters of the bill say the American people now get the same health benefits members of Congress get, which is great. See, if we can just get some of those other perks — the free travel, the envelopes with the cash in them, the get-out-of-jail-free cards — oh, all of that could be great.

You know, not a single Republican voted for the health care bill. They claim the U.S. government isn't qualified to be in the health care business. Hey, kept Dick Cheney alive the last 30 years. It's got to be worth something.

Do you know who's going to be in charge of health care? The IRS No, this is true. The IRS will be in charge of enforcing the new health care laws. You thought you hated getting audited by the government? Wait until they're in charge of your prostate exam, O.K.?

And we're getting more details on what happened in the White House after the vote. In fact, the minute it passed, Joe Biden, he was speechless. So, right there, the bill is already paying dividends.

And before the vote, protesters on Capitol Hill heckled Nancy Pelosi. But she managed to keep a stiff upper lip, as well as a tightly stretched forehead, and an unnaturally arched eyebrow.

President Obama said last night this proves this is a government of the people, and by the people, except for the 55 percent of the people who opposed him.

See, and the nice thing is, if you lose your job, you know, you're still covered, which is great news for the Democrats in November.

And Defense Secretary Robert Gates announced, for the first time in the Navy's history, women will be allowed to serve on submarines. See, the problem before was they didn't want men and women spending time together in such unbelievably cramped quarters. And then they realized, 'Wait a minute, it's no different than flying Southwest.'

According to a new Gallup poll, Congress's approval rating is at an all-time low, 16 percent. Only 16 percent of Americans think Congress is doing a good job. The other 84 percent didn't get any bailout money.

And the famous jeweler, Tiffany & Company, announced their fourth-quarter profits were quadruple what they were this time last year. Experts say it's either a sign the economy is improving or more guys are getting caught cheating.

Bernard Madoff was assaulted back in November in a prison dispute over money. The authorities are investigating the attack and have narrowed the suspects down to 'everybody.'






Jon Stewart's Best Tea Bagger Moments - or How Odd The News Is These Days:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
On Topic: Scandal-List - Tea Bagging
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Health Care Reform

From David Letterman:



Oh, hey, are you ready for the 2010 census? It's going to be complicated this year. So the government should have patience. Here's part of the problem: Most Americans count as two.

Have you filled out a census form? Here's the deal: 10 questions in 10 minutes. That's what they're saying. Coincidentally, that is how John McCain chose his running mate.

You got to count everybody in your household for the census. Right now, Angelina Jolie is going through the place with one of those clickers.

You people are in such a great mood. I really appreciate it because on a day like this, it's lousy weather. Here in New York City, it was 49 and gloomy. You know, like Glenn Beck.

Are you folks happy about the health care bill reform that the Congress has passed? Some people are unhappy about it. A lot of people unhappy about it. Here are two reasons I'm unhappy about it. One, I love paying huge money for health care. And the other thing, I used to love driving to Canada to buy cheap drugs. I loved that, too. I am steamed.

This has been very divisive. The Republicans are thinking: 'O.K., all right. We didn't think this was going to go the way it went. Now we really got to get something together. We have to put our heads to this.' They've come up with a great plan that they think has legislative viability to repeal the health care reform bill. You know what it is? Four words. Four words: Hot tub time machine.

How about basketball? Anybody here suffering from March Madness? Well, don't worry. It's covered by the new health care plan.

Don't let people lie to you. We're not out of this recession. Anybody here think we're out of the recession? No, we're not out of it. We have no money. No jobs. The recession is still going strong. More trouble for the United States economy. The U.S. debt now may lose its triple-A rating. And I said to myself, 'Well, who cares what the auto club thinks?'

You know what's coming up is the 2010 Census form. You have to pick up your Census form. There will be some changes. First of all, when you hear the Census, you think, oh, please, mind your own business. But you can't have that attitude. You've got to pick up the Census form and fill it out. There's changes in the form this year. For example, under gender you have your choice — male, female, or gaga. It's a third category.

You have to include everybody in your house. For example, you must include people, even people who just sleep part-time in your house. They have to be included on the Census form. Like Sandra Bullock's husband.

Yesterday in Washington, D.C., history was made. Congress actually worked on a Sunday.

Congress passed the health care reform bill. Well, that was easy.

A lot of people are unhappy about the health care bill. Americans love paying sky-high medical bills. That's the problem.

And the Democrats were thrilled, as you can guess. And they got a little rowdy, as Democrats can do. They tipped over Rush Limbaugh.






From Jimmy Fallon:


Jersey Shore' is premiering in 30 different countries this week. It will be shown in France, except in France it's called 'Another Reason to Hate America.'

I was reading today that the whole healthcare fight took a big toll on Nancy Pelosi's popularity. Her favorability rating is down to 11 percent, making her the most disliked woman in America with less than eight kids.

Porn star Devon 'Triple X' James says that Tiger Woods paid her to have sex back in 2006. Hopefully this situation will make parents think twice before raising their daughters with the middle name 'Triple X.'

After signing the health care bill, Obama hugged Nancy Pelosi, twice. He called her one of the best speakers the House has ever had. And then he called Harry Reid one of the best majority leaders the Senate has ever had. Obama is either really excited about health care or totally wasted. 'I love you. I'm serious. You're the best. You guys are the best.'

Hawaii wants to be the location for President Obama's presidential library because that's where he was born and raised. But really, when you go to Hawaii, the first thought that comes to your mind is, 'I got to hit the library,' isn't it? So, it's kind of perfect.





Jimmy Fallon weights the pros and cons of the new health care just passed:









From Bill Maher:


The Democrats need 216 vote to pass health care reform. So you know, they have these little charts. And in the latest count, seven Democrats who were against it have now flipped. Four, after arm twisting by Obama. And three after tickling by Eric Massa.

People on the inside, you know with the inside information, say it does look good for the Democrats. Because, you know, they have this little inside stuff. They found out Nancy Pelosi called her plastic surgeon to ask if her smile would be ready for Sunday.

There’s a Congressman from Georgia named Paul Broun. He said, I’m not making this up, he said if Obama-care passes, that insurance card in your wallet is gonna be as worthless as the Confederate dollar after the Great War of Yankee Aggression … Is it OK now to call Republicans a bunch of crazy crackers?"

Netanyahu, the Prime Minister of Israel, his brother-in-law accused President Obama of being anti-Semitic. And Obama handled it gracefully. He said if I’m anti-Semitic, how come I bailed out all those Jew bankers?

New Rule: Stop worrying that crackpots are inserting their dogma into Texas schoolbooks. Sure, replacing Thomas Jefferson with Phyllis Schlafly is troubling, but it’s Texas. The only use Texans have for textbooks is to sit on them so they can get a better view of the football game. The last person to even notice Texas had schoolbooks was Lee Harvey Oswald.





From Craig Ferguson:


James Cameron, who directed 'Avatar,' is in a feud with Glenn Beck, because Cameron called him a mad man. The two are very different. One makes millions creating fictional stories, and the other is James Cameron.

The rising sea levels in the Indian Ocean have caused an island to vanish. Yesterday, Ben and Jerry were giving away free ice cream and today, global warming causes an island to disappear. It's a terrible rollercoaster week for Al Gore — so happy, but so alarmed.

What kind of a day is it for you? Because I think it is a great day for America! It is. And I'll tell you why. Because all day today Ben & Jerry's was giving out free ice cream. And Starbucks was giving out free pastries. Everybody's getting cocky now that there's free health insurance. Eat what you like. Diabetes? Who cares?



Jimmy Fallon's parody on VP Joe Biden's remark about how the passage of the health care bill is "a big f***ing deal!":







From Jimmy Kimmel:

Former Presidents Bill Clinton and George W. Bush traveled to Haiti this week to talk about the country's long-term recovery plan. It was a departure for President Bush. It's unusual for him to visit a disaster of this scope and magnitude that wasn't his fault.

President Obama won one of the great — they're calling it — the 'great legislative victories of the last 50 years' last night. He won health care reform approval to extend coverage to millions of uninsured Americans, or as the Republicans are calling it 'Armageddon.' Personally, I think it's great. Maybe now, I can finally get a gynecologist to see me.

Anti-health care reform protesters outside the Capitol were downright vicious. They yelled the N-word at black legislators, they yelled the F-word at gay legislators, they yelled the W-word at Latino legislators. It was like the Sesame Street of hate.

Tonight was the season premiere of season 10 of 'Dancing with the Stars.' It's a smaller cast, including Buzz Aldrin, whose wife commented on his chances to win. 'I don't think people realize Buzz is a risk-taker.' They don't? He went to the moon, you know, first. In a Toyota, by the way.

Buzz Aldrin, by the way, is 80 years old. How crazy would it be if one of the first men on the moon was killed in a dancing accident?

An entire day has passed since the healthcare reform was enacted, and the country has not been destroyed. You really can't trust politicians.

This morning, President Obama signed into law the health care bill that was passed by the House of Representatives on Sunday. The Republican Party is not happy about the bill. Senator John McCain told a radio show yesterday that the bill was done in quote, 'the most unsavory Chicago sausage-making' that he's seen in all his years. First of all, I can say from experience that there is nothing unsavory about Chicago sausage. It couldn't be more savory, in fact. And that's not a liberal or conservative point of view. That's an American statement right there, a fat American statement.

McCain also said that there will be no cooperation from Republicans for the rest of the year. So that should be good for the country.

What a shame to see all that cooperating end, you know? This is like the coyote announcing he's no longer cooperating with the road runner.

This is kind of crazy. I don't know if I believe this. A new Harris poll found that 57 percent of Republicans believe President Obama is a Muslim — 57 percent. 45 percent believe he was not born in the United States. 38 percent feel he's, quote, 'doing many of the things that Hitler did.' And 24 percent believe he may be the Antichrist. Oh, like Oprah would date the Antichrist.

That's ridiculous: 38 percent believe he's like Hitler? How is that possible? He doesn't even have a mustache. How could he be like Hitler? Did Hitler play basketball? No, seriously, did Hitler play basketball?


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