29 March 2010

Health Care Quips and Tea Party Jabs, Roundup of Late Night Comedy - 29 Mar 2010

From Denny: And here they are in all their glory discussing the passage of the health care bill, the Tea Party, the mishandling - again - by the Catholic Church of yet more sex scandals, this time in Europe, our crazy American politics and even the Census. Enjoy the three video clips from Jon Stewart and Jimmy Fallon. Have a great work week! Oh, and wishing you a very Happy Easter! Try not to pig out on those rich chocolate bunnies... (save some for me)

From Jay Leno:

According to Men's Health magazine, 21 percent of men surveyed would rather have a sexier nurse than a more competent doctor when they're in the hospital. I say, why not have both? The government's paying for it now. Who cares?

Sarah Palin spoke out this week against the health care reform bill, saying, 'Elections have consequences.' Well, of course, elections have consequences. That's why right now, instead of being vice president of the United States, she's trying to get a reality show on the Animal Planet.

They're now looking into whether cosmic rays from outer space could be responsible for causing Priuses to accelerate. What, is Toyota blaming Klingons now?

Well, today, President Obama signed the landmark health care reform bill into law, or as President Obama refers to it, 'The Rush Limbaugh Deportation Act.'

President Obama, boy, he's feeling like a Toyota driver today. There's no stopping him.

I'll tell you how excited the president is. Today, he changed his slogan from 'Yes, we can,' to 'Yes, we finally did something.'

Of course, the White House is now denying it made any side deals with members of Congress to pass this bill. See, I don't know if that's true. Did you see Mount Rushmore today? They're adding Dennis Kucinich's face to it.

Of course, this all couldn't have been done without the help of Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. And today, the president thanked her for her unblinking support.

Actually, Nancy Pelosi used the Internet to help gain support for this. She reached out to people on her favorite social networking site, Icantmovemyfacebook.com.

And to help sell this plan to the American people, President Obama said it's the same plan Congress has. See, I think that's a mistake. I think that's why a lot of people opposed it. Have you seen members of Congress? Do they look healthy to you? Anybody here want to be as fat as Barney Frank? Huh? You want to be as orange as John Boehner? I don't think so.

And of course, a lot of right wingers are very upset about this because they believe this health care bill will cost a lot of money. You know what I think? Just pretend it's another unnecessary war. You'll feel better about it already.

And over the weekend, tens of thousands of illegal immigrants rallied across the country demanding a path to citizenship. Don't we have a path to citizenship? It's called the San Diego Freeway.

And the Pentagon is changing Army basic training for the first time in 30 years to deal with the fact that so many new recruits are so overweight. In fact, the Army's new slogan, 'Don't ask, no seconds.'

A lot of upsets over the weekend. Kansas lost to Northern Iowa. Georgetown lost to Ohio. Republicans lost to the Democrats.

Well, as you know, health care reform was passed by the House last night. Supporters of the bill say the American people now get the same health benefits members of Congress get, which is great. See, if we can just get some of those other perks — the free travel, the envelopes with the cash in them, the get-out-of-jail-free cards — oh, all of that could be great.

You know, not a single Republican voted for the health care bill. They claim the U.S. government isn't qualified to be in the health care business. Hey, kept Dick Cheney alive the last 30 years. It's got to be worth something.

Do you know who's going to be in charge of health care? The IRS No, this is true. The IRS will be in charge of enforcing the new health care laws. You thought you hated getting audited by the government? Wait until they're in charge of your prostate exam, O.K.?

And we're getting more details on what happened in the White House after the vote. In fact, the minute it passed, Joe Biden, he was speechless. So, right there, the bill is already paying dividends.

And before the vote, protesters on Capitol Hill heckled Nancy Pelosi. But she managed to keep a stiff upper lip, as well as a tightly stretched forehead, and an unnaturally arched eyebrow.

President Obama said last night this proves this is a government of the people, and by the people, except for the 55 percent of the people who opposed him.

See, and the nice thing is, if you lose your job, you know, you're still covered, which is great news for the Democrats in November.

And Defense Secretary Robert Gates announced, for the first time in the Navy's history, women will be allowed to serve on submarines. See, the problem before was they didn't want men and women spending time together in such unbelievably cramped quarters. And then they realized, 'Wait a minute, it's no different than flying Southwest.'

According to a new Gallup poll, Congress's approval rating is at an all-time low, 16 percent. Only 16 percent of Americans think Congress is doing a good job. The other 84 percent didn't get any bailout money.

And the famous jeweler, Tiffany & Company, announced their fourth-quarter profits were quadruple what they were this time last year. Experts say it's either a sign the economy is improving or more guys are getting caught cheating.

Bernard Madoff was assaulted back in November in a prison dispute over money. The authorities are investigating the attack and have narrowed the suspects down to 'everybody.'

Jon Stewart's Best Tea Bagger Moments - or How Odd The News Is These Days:

The Daily Show With Jon StewartMon - Thurs 11p / 10c
On Topic: Scandal-List - Tea Bagging
Daily Show Full EpisodesPolitical HumorHealth Care Reform

From David Letterman:

Oh, hey, are you ready for the 2010 census? It's going to be complicated this year. So the government should have patience. Here's part of the problem: Most Americans count as two.

Have you filled out a census form? Here's the deal: 10 questions in 10 minutes. That's what they're saying. Coincidentally, that is how John McCain chose his running mate.

You got to count everybody in your household for the census. Right now, Angelina Jolie is going through the place with one of those clickers.

You people are in such a great mood. I really appreciate it because on a day like this, it's lousy weather. Here in New York City, it was 49 and gloomy. You know, like Glenn Beck.

Are you folks happy about the health care bill reform that the Congress has passed? Some people are unhappy about it. A lot of people unhappy about it. Here are two reasons I'm unhappy about it. One, I love paying huge money for health care. And the other thing, I used to love driving to Canada to buy cheap drugs. I loved that, too. I am steamed.

This has been very divisive. The Republicans are thinking: 'O.K., all right. We didn't think this was going to go the way it went. Now we really got to get something together. We have to put our heads to this.' They've come up with a great plan that they think has legislative viability to repeal the health care reform bill. You know what it is? Four words. Four words: Hot tub time machine.

How about basketball? Anybody here suffering from March Madness? Well, don't worry. It's covered by the new health care plan.

Don't let people lie to you. We're not out of this recession. Anybody here think we're out of the recession? No, we're not out of it. We have no money. No jobs. The recession is still going strong. More trouble for the United States economy. The U.S. debt now may lose its triple-A rating. And I said to myself, 'Well, who cares what the auto club thinks?'

You know what's coming up is the 2010 Census form. You have to pick up your Census form. There will be some changes. First of all, when you hear the Census, you think, oh, please, mind your own business. But you can't have that attitude. You've got to pick up the Census form and fill it out. There's changes in the form this year. For example, under gender you have your choice — male, female, or gaga. It's a third category.

You have to include everybody in your house. For example, you must include people, even people who just sleep part-time in your house. They have to be included on the Census form. Like Sandra Bullock's husband.

Yesterday in Washington, D.C., history was made. Congress actually worked on a Sunday.

Congress passed the health care reform bill. Well, that was easy.

A lot of people are unhappy about the health care bill. Americans love paying sky-high medical bills. That's the problem.

And the Democrats were thrilled, as you can guess. And they got a little rowdy, as Democrats can do. They tipped over Rush Limbaugh.

From Jimmy Fallon:

Jersey Shore' is premiering in 30 different countries this week. It will be shown in France, except in France it's called 'Another Reason to Hate America.'

I was reading today that the whole healthcare fight took a big toll on Nancy Pelosi's popularity. Her favorability rating is down to 11 percent, making her the most disliked woman in America with less than eight kids.

Porn star Devon 'Triple X' James says that Tiger Woods paid her to have sex back in 2006. Hopefully this situation will make parents think twice before raising their daughters with the middle name 'Triple X.'

After signing the health care bill, Obama hugged Nancy Pelosi, twice. He called her one of the best speakers the House has ever had. And then he called Harry Reid one of the best majority leaders the Senate has ever had. Obama is either really excited about health care or totally wasted. 'I love you. I'm serious. You're the best. You guys are the best.'

Hawaii wants to be the location for President Obama's presidential library because that's where he was born and raised. But really, when you go to Hawaii, the first thought that comes to your mind is, 'I got to hit the library,' isn't it? So, it's kind of perfect.

Jimmy Fallon weights the pros and cons of the new health care just passed:

From Bill Maher:

The Democrats need 216 vote to pass health care reform. So you know, they have these little charts. And in the latest count, seven Democrats who were against it have now flipped. Four, after arm twisting by Obama. And three after tickling by Eric Massa.

People on the inside, you know with the inside information, say it does look good for the Democrats. Because, you know, they have this little inside stuff. They found out Nancy Pelosi called her plastic surgeon to ask if her smile would be ready for Sunday.

There’s a Congressman from Georgia named Paul Broun. He said, I’m not making this up, he said if Obama-care passes, that insurance card in your wallet is gonna be as worthless as the Confederate dollar after the Great War of Yankee Aggression … Is it OK now to call Republicans a bunch of crazy crackers?"

Netanyahu, the Prime Minister of Israel, his brother-in-law accused President Obama of being anti-Semitic. And Obama handled it gracefully. He said if I’m anti-Semitic, how come I bailed out all those Jew bankers?

New Rule: Stop worrying that crackpots are inserting their dogma into Texas schoolbooks. Sure, replacing Thomas Jefferson with Phyllis Schlafly is troubling, but it’s Texas. The only use Texans have for textbooks is to sit on them so they can get a better view of the football game. The last person to even notice Texas had schoolbooks was Lee Harvey Oswald.

From Craig Ferguson:

James Cameron, who directed 'Avatar,' is in a feud with Glenn Beck, because Cameron called him a mad man. The two are very different. One makes millions creating fictional stories, and the other is James Cameron.

The rising sea levels in the Indian Ocean have caused an island to vanish. Yesterday, Ben and Jerry were giving away free ice cream and today, global warming causes an island to disappear. It's a terrible rollercoaster week for Al Gore — so happy, but so alarmed.

What kind of a day is it for you? Because I think it is a great day for America! It is. And I'll tell you why. Because all day today Ben & Jerry's was giving out free ice cream. And Starbucks was giving out free pastries. Everybody's getting cocky now that there's free health insurance. Eat what you like. Diabetes? Who cares?

Jimmy Fallon's parody on VP Joe Biden's remark about how the passage of the health care bill is "a big f***ing deal!":

From Jimmy Kimmel:

Former Presidents Bill Clinton and George W. Bush traveled to Haiti this week to talk about the country's long-term recovery plan. It was a departure for President Bush. It's unusual for him to visit a disaster of this scope and magnitude that wasn't his fault.

President Obama won one of the great — they're calling it — the 'great legislative victories of the last 50 years' last night. He won health care reform approval to extend coverage to millions of uninsured Americans, or as the Republicans are calling it 'Armageddon.' Personally, I think it's great. Maybe now, I can finally get a gynecologist to see me.

Anti-health care reform protesters outside the Capitol were downright vicious. They yelled the N-word at black legislators, they yelled the F-word at gay legislators, they yelled the W-word at Latino legislators. It was like the Sesame Street of hate.

Tonight was the season premiere of season 10 of 'Dancing with the Stars.' It's a smaller cast, including Buzz Aldrin, whose wife commented on his chances to win. 'I don't think people realize Buzz is a risk-taker.' They don't? He went to the moon, you know, first. In a Toyota, by the way.

Buzz Aldrin, by the way, is 80 years old. How crazy would it be if one of the first men on the moon was killed in a dancing accident?

An entire day has passed since the healthcare reform was enacted, and the country has not been destroyed. You really can't trust politicians.

This morning, President Obama signed into law the health care bill that was passed by the House of Representatives on Sunday. The Republican Party is not happy about the bill. Senator John McCain told a radio show yesterday that the bill was done in quote, 'the most unsavory Chicago sausage-making' that he's seen in all his years. First of all, I can say from experience that there is nothing unsavory about Chicago sausage. It couldn't be more savory, in fact. And that's not a liberal or conservative point of view. That's an American statement right there, a fat American statement.

McCain also said that there will be no cooperation from Republicans for the rest of the year. So that should be good for the country.

What a shame to see all that cooperating end, you know? This is like the coyote announcing he's no longer cooperating with the road runner.

This is kind of crazy. I don't know if I believe this. A new Harris poll found that 57 percent of Republicans believe President Obama is a Muslim — 57 percent. 45 percent believe he was not born in the United States. 38 percent feel he's, quote, 'doing many of the things that Hitler did.' And 24 percent believe he may be the Antichrist. Oh, like Oprah would date the Antichrist.

That's ridiculous: 38 percent believe he's like Hitler? How is that possible? He doesn't even have a mustache. How could he be like Hitler? Did Hitler play basketball? No, seriously, did Hitler play basketball?

ALSO, more funny posts:

Funny Surfing Peruvian Alpaca

Funny Marriage Quotes

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