22 March 2010

Roundup of Late Night Comedy - 22 Mar 2010

From Denny: Whew! The health care reform bill is finally passed in the House. The next four years as the changes come into our lives should prove interesting. We all know the insurance companies are going to find something to penalize us with yet again.

Look what the big banks did with the credit card bill that was passed 18 months ago. Our lives have been a living nightmare. People with good credit standing and high scores have been raked over the coals with high fees, lowered credit lines and outright denial of credit - all for no good reason other than the banks want to keep the public monies for their quarterly profits and to pay off greedy CEOs.

Yeah? Well, Lady Karma is no longer holding back or playing nice. Turns out there is a bill snaking its way through Congress to start breaking up big banks since they have proven to be such a terror. Get ready for the next big public fight. The drama is on and you can't escape into another room as the lying TV ads follow, screaming at high pitch volume. Of course, there is supposed to be a new law out about that high volume ad business. Let me know when the feds are hiring for enforcers. Sign me up! :)

The comics have been having fun with the Saint Patrick's Day jokes the past week. Then they regularly trot out health care quips. Even though the bill has passed, somehow we all know the health care jokes will continue.

As to funny videos, Colbert ridicules the anti-census folks. If you have already received your census form, fill it out. Unless you have the fifth Army living with you, it's a snap and doesn't ask anything too personal like your income. Besides, you have to give the Democrats some kind of ammunition to redraw those crazy bizarre districts that look like jigsaw puzzles courtesy of the Republicans creating new ways to increase their power.

Colbert also went after the Texas School Board of Education and his buddy ol' Newt Gingrich. They are both hoping to enrich their wallets by placing conservative fantasy textbooks into the public schools they don't believe should exist or be paid for by the taxpayer in the first place. The way they are able to influence beyond Texas is because of the lame textbook publishers. They see a large order in Texas and then ramp up and offer it nationally, thinking it's popular. Creepy, isn't it?!

And Jon Stewart went 15 minutes long on parodying Glenn Beck. Beck must really get under the guy's skin. Either that or Beck is everyone's favorite villain.

The very last cartoon about Obama vs. Israel is my personal favorite of the week. Enjoy the funnies and have a great work week! And hey! If you enjoy this post, how about throwing it up on your favorite social site, even email to your friends, much appreciated!


Health care:




From Jay Leno:


Yesterday was St. Patrick's Day. Republicans are now working on declaring March 18 as St. Obama Day. They want to honor the president for driving all the Democrats out of Washington.

Ohio Congressman Dennis Kucinich announced he will change his no vote and he will vote yes on health care. Now, I don't want to imply he made a deal, but he announced it at Cleveland's new Airport, which is right next to the Dennis Kucinich Highway and the new Dennis Kucinich Middle School.

Yesterday, President Obama appeared on Fox News to pitch his health care. Obama was on Fox. That's like George W. Bush being on The Learning Channel.

And 80-year-old Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens said he's considering retirement, either that or playing for the Minnesota Vikings next season.

PepsiCo announced it will voluntarily remove all high-calorie sweetened drinks from schools — no more sugary drinks in schools. This is part of their new program, 'Leave No Child With a Bigger Behind.'

Today we celebrate Saint Patrick, the guy that drove all of the Toyotas out of Ireland.

To celebrate Saint Patrick's Day, President Obama spoke with the wee Dennis Kucinich.

Continental Airlines has begun charging customers for seats with extra leg room. It's just an illusion. After your wallet becomes thinner, you can sit further back in the seat.

The American College of Cardiology says that over-exercise can be as bad for your heart as no exercise at all. This could affect nearly two Americans.

Toyota is starting to fight back. Today, they cast doubt on the story of that guy — remember the guy last week that said his Prius accelerated out of control on the freeway? They said they found significant inconsistencies in his story. And let me tell you something, that's embarrassing when a car dealer calls you a liar.

Now, if you're on the freeway, you know how to tell if a Prius next to you is out of control? Here's how you tell. If you look over and the driver's face goes from that smug, 'I'm saving the environment' look, to the frightened, 'get me the hell out of here' look, that's kind of how you know.


Colbert Blasts Beck And Bachmann For Anti-Census Stance:


The Colbert ReportMon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
United States Census 2010
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full EpisodesPolitical HumorHealth Care reform




And I'm sure you remembered to turn your clock ahead an hour, unless, of course, you're a Democrat working on health care. Then you might want to turn it back a year and start all over again.

You know, I was thinking about this health care problem. If you took all the money the Republicans have spent to stop health care and all the money Democrats have spent trying to get health care, we could afford health care.

In an interview in GQ magazine, John Edwards's mistress said she slept with him on the first day they met, but she wasn't his mistress, she was just playing the role. And, apparently, the audition went so well, she got the job!

Rielle Hunter told GQ that she will love John Edwards until death do us part, to which Elizabeth Edwards said, 'You know, I can arrange that.'

She also said in the interview she did not consider the money she got every month from the Edwards campaign as hush money. Well, duh. Once you give an interview, it's no longer hush money. It's now considered down-the-drain money.

Thank you for coming on the Ides of March. You know, this is March 15. It was on this day in 44 B.C., Julius Caesar met his end. He was stabbed in the back by members of the Senate, ironically, while pleading for health care.

Well, President Obama, turning up the pressure on Congress to pass this health care reform. In fact, he's telling Democrats, if they don't vote for this bill, he will go out and campaign for them in November.

It seems The Journal of Neurology reports that the longer you smoke, the less likely you are to develop Parkinson's disease. So what are they telling us? Follow me guys. Remember, a couple of months ago, doctors said drinking a glass of alcohol every day was good for your heart. Smoking prevents Parkinson's disease. Marijuana is good for glaucoma. Sex is good for your prostate. You know, screw health care. Let's party!

And in his speech to the Export-Import Bank's annual gathering, President Obama announced that he will establish two brain trusts to double U.S. exports over the next five years. You know what our leading export is right now? Jobs.

Hey, learning more and more about that homegrown terrorist, that woman, Colleen LaRose, also known as Jihad Jane. They're calling her the most dangerous person to come out of Pennsylvania since Ben Roethlisberger.

And in World News, the tension between the White House and Israel is at its highest level in 30 years. Israel wants to build more houses in its territory, and the Obama administration wants them torn down. Here's the solution: You build the houses, but let Countrywide give everybody an adjustable rate mortgage. They'll be foreclosed on and out of there by July.

And as part of an art project, 31 life-sized nude male statues will be set up all around Manhattan. They're so lifelike, former Congressman Eric Massa tried to tickle three of them.

Well, in Toyota's defense, there are allegations that the driver of that runaway Prius in San Diego may have faked it. The guy claims he couldn't stop a runaway Prius? Come on. Tiger Woods's wife stopped a runaway Cadillac Escalade with a 9-iron, O.K.?















Colbert has paid special attention to the Texas State Board of Education's recent decision to amend history text-books to correct what they perceived as liberal bias. The changes include criticisms of LBJ's Great Society, a defense of McCarthyism, and perhaps most controversial, a chapter about this one time when George Washington said having sex with members of the Texas Board of Education makes you "creatively expel" diamonds:



The Colbert ReportMon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
I's on Edjukashun - Texas School Board
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full EpisodesPolitical HumorHealth Care reform





From Jimmy Fallon:


You guys excited for March Madness? Had some great matchups so far. B.Y.U. versus Florida. Old Dominion versus Notre Dame. Obama versus Fox News.

This is pretty cool. One of President Obama's childhood friends just found a photo of Obama as a schoolboy, taken more than 40 years ago. It's just him and some kids playing little Barack's favorite school game, 'give the speech.'

Obama was a great ballplayer when he was a kid, but naturally, the other team never let him pass anything.

It was a beautiful day here in New York for the Saint Patrick's Day parade — over 60 degrees outside! I guess it's just that old 'Luck o' the Global Warming.'

In Irish lore, leprechauns hide their pots of gold at the end of the rainbow. But here in New York, things are a little different — at the end of the rainbow, there's just a gay bar.

Ohio Congressman Dennis Kucinich announced that he will vote for President Obama's healthcare bill. The one condition is that Obama had to carry him on his shoulders so he could see the Saint Patrick's Day Parade.

President Obama went on Fox News tonight to pitch his plan for healthcare reform. Obama going on Fox News? That's like John Edwards going on 'The Marriage Ref.'

You guys see the 'GQ' pictures of John Edwards' mistress, Rielle Hunter? Today, she called them 'repulsive', and says she trusted 'GQ''s photographer to take classy photos. Yeah, because anytime I'm on a bed in nothing but dress shirt and underwear next to a Dora the Explorer doll, I think, 'This is gonna look classy.'

C-SPAN is uploading 23 years of video on the Internet. Or if you want to get the sensation of watching 23 years of C-SPAN, just watch 2 minutes of C-SPAN.

In his weekly radio and Internet address, President Obama called for an overhaul of the 'No Child Left Behind' law. It will now be called 'The World Needs Janitors, Too.'

President Obama talked about health care reform at a senior center in Strongsville, Ohio, today. The most common question he got: 'When's bingo?'

I don't know if you saw this yesterday on 'Meet the Press.' Tom Brokaw referred to health care reform as a 'kerfuffle.' You thought passing health care was hard; 10 times harder for Brokaw to pronounce 'kerfuffle.'







From David Letterman:


Mayor Bloomberg has done a remarkable job. Yesterday, he was twice mistaken for a leprechaun.

Tax time is right around the corner. My accountant says I could save a lot of money if I move the show to the Canary Islands.

Congress is getting ready to vote on President Obama's health care bill. It's going to be a close vote. The House Democrats say it could be a real tickle fight.

Sarah Palin, out in Arizona, is campaigning with John McCain. He's running for Senate re-election. They're campaigning together out there. I thought, yeah, I mean, there's an unbeatable combination.

Everybody changed their clocks this weekend for daylight savings. So you move it ahead. And even the Taliban move their clocks ahead. They moved it up to the 11th century. So that's good.

Well here's something interesting. And I guess this goes with the job. President Obama announced over the weekend that he gets 20,000 letters a day calling him an idiot. And I said, 'Hey, welcome to the club.' ... I said to myself, 'Well hey, maybe I am presidential material.' ... But in all fairness, a lot of those letters come from Dick Cheney.


Jon Stewart enjoys skewering Glenn Beck:


The Daily Show With Jon StewartMon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Conservative Libertarian
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show
Full Episodes
Political HumorHealth Care Reform




David Letterman's Top Ten Signs You Spend Too Much Time On Twitter


10. You miss son's soccer game waiting for Lady Gaga to post what she had for lunch
9. You answer the phone: "Twello?"
8. You've spent millions developing iPhone waterproofing technology so you can tweet in the shower
7. You haven't touched your CB radio in months
6. You ask yourself, "What would Jesus tweet?"
5. You sleep-tweet
4. No No. 4 — writer on Twitter
3. You stopped paying attention to this list after the first 140 characters
2. Even Ashton Kutcher thinks you tweet too much
1. Walked in on the landscaper "retweeting" your wife.



Israel:




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