Dishing out spicy liberal social commentary and critical thinking news analysis on America, world politics, the news, fun political humor, cartoons - and a little poetry by Independent journalist blogger Denny Lyon.
From Denny: This sure has been quite the week with the drama unfolding out in the Gulf of Mexico with the BP oil spill off my Louisiana coast. The cartoonists have had great fun lampooning the various lies and finger pointing from the CEOs involved. The better news is that BP is finally making a bit of headway on corralling some of the oil for clean up, siphoning it into a tanker.
Some headway is better than nothing and at least it has slowed down the rate of gushing oil and natural gas for the moment. Definitely better than using an atomic bomb to blow up the well like the crazy Russians suggested. There's a plan. Nuke the Gulf of Mexico and irradiate the ocean waters for the next thousand years. Fortunately, BP and the government are contemplating lesser crazy options.
As a result of the oil spill there are countless great political cartoons and funny videos by the likes of Colbert to enjoy. And Betty White was the toast of late night TV on SNL after turning in some hilarious performances. She then proceeded to go out all night carousing with the SNL cast after the show. She's almost 89 years old and there's no time to waste for having fun! :)
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From Denny: In the interest of getting these pages to load faster for you I thought I'd try something different. You know about the traveling dinner concept? That's where you go to one person's house for the opening cocktail or appetizer, then travel on to another house for a salad, then somewhere else for the entree and finally the dessert.
Well, since I have such a love of the satire from clever political cartoonists lampooning our society, current culture and politics the weekly posts have gotten far too long. Fun but long. So, I thought I'd treat you to a traveling post among my various blogs to enjoy the flavors at each "house."
In this "house" post weapons seem to be the main theme: Iran working on becoming a nuclear state, concealed weapons carried by college students on campus and coffee drinkers into Starbucks coffee shops. It's no big surprise that NASA and the Air Force are preparing to weaponize space. More weapons loose on deck are the "nuclear option" of the Republican filibuster, the financial sledgehammer from Wall Street bankers and - leading up to celebration of Earth Day - planet Earth setting off the Icelandic volcano to scream its message of "Enough already with the fossil fuels, people!" Yeah, that Iceland volcano sure got the attention of the airline industry. It cost $200 million per day worldwide, wrecking a weak economy in Europe and America.
Check out what the cartoonists had to say about this week's news...
Where Obama, the Tea Party, Nukes and NASA intersect:
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From Denny: Between Wall Street and the ridiculous - and that clown-filled wing nut - Republican Tea Party we have plenty to laugh at this week! Politics and finances are an endless source of revenue for comics every time they open their mouths. And how about those cartoonists? They sure know how to draw those Fat Cat Bankers and Wall Street villains.
This roundup is catching us up on the tax day quips and latest funny videos aimed at the bizarre Tea Party folks who seem to enjoy making fools of themselves while trying to denounce people who are actually working for a living.
Did you ever wonder where these Tea Party people find the time - and the money - to show up at these events? How many are retired on our taxpayer money - living on our "Socialist" dime? How many are using our taxpayer funded "Socialist" Medicare and Medicaid yet denounce it in the same breath as they take advantage of it?
How many are taking Social Security, you know, "Socialism" at its ugliest. I challenge the Social Security Tea Party folks to end their hypocrisy and put their money where their mouth is: quit taking Social Security checks every month. Voluntarily give up those checks.
Alternative option to sending those Social Security checks back to the government you despise and take for granted: Send me your Social Security checks, folks. I know how important it is to you to not be freaking hypocrites. I solemnly promise to guard that money with my very own bank account and not redistribute the wealth. :)
It is April the 15th. This is a day we all curse like Vice President Joe Biden.
President Obama released his tax return today. He didn't owe a lot in taxes. He has a lot of dependents. He's got his wife, two daughters, A.I.G., General Motors, Goldman Sachs.
Hey, you probably heard about this on the news. Now being reported that the terrorist organization Al Qaeda is in financial ruin. To give you an idea what bad shape they're in, today I saw a terrorist buying a shoe bomb at Payless.
Well, do you know this story? Toyota has stopped selling their Lexus SUV because it poses a high risk of rolling over. But according to a Zogby poll, 62 percent of Americans believe that Toyotas are safe or safer than other vehicles. The other 38 percent are still in critical condition.
A giant cloud of ash from a volcano in Iceland has stopped air traffic all across Europe. The airlines are jumping all over this. They're now charging passengers a $400 volcanic ash cloud fee.
Researchers found that you are more likely get germs from money than any other object. … Really? Then how come poor people aren't healthier?
The Obama administration's top science and technology official has warned the United States cannot expect to be No. 1 in science and technology forever. Did you know we were No. 1 now? If we're No. 1 in technology, why do I have to call India for tech support, OK?
The Pentagon says that Al Qaeda is now in financial ruin. I tell you, Goldman Sachs, they screwed everybody.
Actually, Al Qaeda should have seen it coming. You know who's in charge of the finances? Osama ben Bernanke.
Well, the big story is the president of China, Hu Jintao, I believe his name is pronounced, is in Washington this week. Boy, it's causing some controversy. You may have heard about this. President Obama was seen bowing to the Chinese leader. Well, he has to. I mean, the rent is going to be late again next month.
In fact, leaders of 40 nations are in Washington this week for the nuclear summit. And the president of China was supposed to speak first. And that caused a lot of confusion when the moderator said: 'Who's on first?' 'Yes.' 'No, who?' 'Yes.' 'No, who?' 'Yes.' And it went back and forth. It got a little confusing.
And 89-year-old supreme court justice John Paul Stevens has announced he is retiring. He's going to be 90 this year. In fact, the other Supreme Court justices have to keep reminding him to close his robe.
A woman named Sue Lowden is a Republican running for the Senate in Nevada. You know this health care thing? The Republicans are against it. She says one of the ways you can keep the cost of your health care down is to barter with your doctor. You know, trade with him. That's a great idea. But what if your doctor is not Amish? O.K., what do you do then?
According to the Pentagon, Al Qaeda is in financial ruin. Good. I think that's called Al Karma.
Well, according to the Pentagon, Al Qaeda is in financial ruin. You know why they're broke? Health insurance premiums.
Well, the big news is Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens is retiring. I mean, this won't affect as many Americans as when Paula left 'American Idol,' but it's still a big deal.
Tiger Woods said he would try to keep his emotions under control, but after a bad swing, he used the F-word. Who does he think he is — vice president of the United States?
In a speech, the chairman of the Republican National Committee, Michael Steele, said 'I am the first here to admit I've made mistakes.' Then the stripper giving him a lap-dance said it will still be 20 bucks.
'SNL' Mocks Tea Baggers' Outfits, Signs, And Lack Of Humor
From Comedy Central: Bill Hader made an appearance as James Carville last night on "Weekend Update," and had some fun at the Tea Baggers expense.
Referring to their dispeasure with Obama poking fun at them, Carville pretty much spelled it out: "You can't dress how you dress and not expect jokes. You're wearing colonial costumes. And not even the whole costume...Which Founding Father wore the tri-corner hat with an Orlando Magic jersey?"
From Bill Maher:
What a day for the tea party people. Did you see that? America’s parks and fairgrounds were lost in a sea of man-boobs. They were venting their anger and rage against taxes, which, of course, in most cases for them went down. Protesting their taxes went down – but you know, why let the truth spoil a perfectly good Klan rally.
Federal taxes last year when down for 98 percent of people, but when asked about this, only 12 percent of the Teabaggers thought this was the case. 88 percent of them had it wrong. And a spokesman for the Teabaggers said, 'We don’t want to just be taxed less. We want to be taxed less by a white guy.
They used the opportunity on Tax Day to come up with what they call a 'Contract From America.' Remember the 'Contract With America'? Well, this is a different set of 10 completely ridiculous ideas. Like number 4, I'm not kidding about this: 'The tax code cannot have more words than the Constitution.' You know between this and the complaints about the health care bill being too long, can we say it? It's not taxes they hate, it's reading.
Sarah Palin got an iPad and she was complaining that it's not really that absorbent.
These people wake up angry. Glenn Beck today is furious about the volcanic ash cloud from Iceland. He knows it's Obama's fault, he just can't figure out how.
This week they were very upset with Obama because he had a big nuclear summit and he apparently bowed a little to the Chinese President. For the amount of cash that we owe China, we're lucky he didn't have to kneel and blow him.
Russia has banned all adoptions to America. So if you were hoping to get a little white kid with fetal alcohol syndrome, you're going to have to wait until Lindsay Lohan reproduces.
There's a new poll that says that Pope Benedict's approval rating has dropped to 35 percent. But he has a plan to turn it around. He's going to make a Nike commercial where he just stands there and takes shit from Tiger Woods' dad.
This week Obama has decided to followed in Bush's footsteps and promise that we are going to go to Mars. What is it with Mars that just captures presidential imagination? For Obama, I guess it's the hope of a new frontier. For Bush, it was the likelihood of exploitable resources. And for Clinton it was the possibility of green p**sy.
Colbert Mocks Hipsters For Shunning Census
From Colbert: According to a recent NPR report, many Williamsburg-based hipsters have refused to fill out the census, calling it a form that "relatively has nothing to do with your life."
But Colbert jokingly referred to it as a "a master stroke by the scruffy trend-setters. By not filling out the census, the government will dedicate fewer resources to their neighborhood, thereby causing it to decay, thereby increasing the neighborhood's hipster cred."
He's on to their game. If only he could see their band.
Here in California, our attorney general said he's going to investigate whether a university foundation that hired Sarah Palin to give a speech violated public disclosure laws. They had some controversy. Some students found her contract rider in a dumpster. That is a list of demands a performer has when they appear somewhere. Usually you see them for, like, rock stars, but Sarah Palin has one, I guess. Among other things, Palin's rider requires two first-class tickets from Alaska or a private jet from Alaska, nothing smaller than a Lear 60, and it has to have a window she can shoot out of.
She has to have three hotel rooms, a wooden podium, not plexiglass, two bottles of water, and best of all, I think, a supply of bendable straws. This is a complicated woman. On one hand, you know, she'll blow a moose's head off at 300 yards, but on the other, bendy straws.
Tomorrow, President Obama will be in Florida to announce his vision for America's space program. The rumor is that he is going to reverse President Bush's space policy, which centered on sending a giant caulk gun to the moon to fill all the craters up.
The first man on the moon, Neil Armstrong, sent a letter to Obama criticizing him because he's expected to cut funding for manned space flights. And he even helped spearhead this ad campaign that I guess is designed to convince President Obama to change his mind on this. 'For nearly half a century, the United States has been a world leader in exploring the final frontier: First to the moon, inspiring a nation, and paving the way for countless advancements in science. President Obama's plan to cut NASA's budget means never again will Americans see astronauts suck Jell-O through a straw, eat floating bananas, or doing funny experiments with a frog. Write President Obama. Don't let these super fun times come to an end. This message paid for by astronauts who love super fun times in space.' Powerful stuff.
Tomorrow is the day to mail in your tax returns, which means tonight is the night to start making fake receipts.
We may have another Oprah on our hands. Since leaving her job as the governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin has made more than $12 million. That is a lot of money for someone who can't say words that end in 'g.'
And they say $12 million is a conservative estimate. She may have made a lot more, and yet, she continues to blame Obama for the bad economy. It seems — weird, right?
The figure is a little bit misleading because most of that money is Alaskan currency, which is primarily made up of pelts and shiny rocks.
I watched so much golf this weekend. Tiger finished in 4th place, which means he only won $330,000, which is barely enough to pay his text messaging bill.
Tiger's obviously under a lot of stress. It's very difficult to play when you have a padlock on your underpants.
In a statement released this week, Pope Benedict said that he has forgiven the Beatles for John Lennon's claim that they were bigger than Jesus and for their Rock & Roll excesses – in the clearest sign yet that the Vatican is working from the bottom of the complaint box.
This is a bizarre moment. The crowd doesn't quite know what to make of the mocking humor from the rap band on stage. Talk about out of touch:
It's fitting that April 14 is National Pecan Day because today, we recognize nuts. And tomorrow, on April 15, we pay our taxes to support them.
A pecan tree can live for 300 years and when they're old and gnarled, they can still bear fruit. They're like the tree world's Larry King.
"Scientists are saying that eating pecans every day may decrease your cholesterol. So in case they're right, I wrap all of my pecans in bacon.
It's a great day for America, everybody. Yes, it is! But not a great day for former Vice President Al Gore. He was ambushed for an interview by Fox News. What's wrong with you, Fox News? You don't ambush him. If you want to get Al Gore for an interview, you don't have to ambush him. Just leave a trail of ham into the studio.
It was announced today that Conan O'Brien has a new talk show on TBS and a lot of people are asking how it will affect this show. It will not — people that watch this show cannot afford basic cable.
KFC restaurants have unveiled the 'Double Down,' which is two slabs of fried chicken with bacon in the middle. Why not — we all have free health insurance.
In an interview with GQ Magazine, Lou Dobbs said he’s considering running for president. Hey, stranger things have happened — Lou Dobbs being in GQ Magazine being one of them.
There’s a new comic book coming out about Arnold Schwarzenegger’s life. In the comic, Arnold battles his life-long nemesis: words.
A town in Tennessee elected a dead man as its mayor. Finally, a politician who won't cheat on his wife.
At a Tea Party rally in Boston yesterday, Sarah Palin praised the crowd for winning that Senate race in Massachusetts. She said: 'Shoot, look at what you did in January. You shook up the United States Senate.' Unfortunately, no one heard the Senate thing, because after she said 'shoot,' 300 guns went off.
At the same rally, Sarah Palin said: 'Let me ask you, Massachusetts. Do you love your freedom?' Is anyone going to say 'no' to that? It's like going to a Phish show and saying, 'Anyone here like getting high and eating grilled cheese?'
President Obama is launching a new $6 billion space policy that will ultimately take astronauts to Mars. Of course, it's $6 billion and $45 if the astronauts have a carry-on.
Obama says the new $6 billion program will let us engage in deeper space exploration, while Biden says this will let us engage in open dialogue with Alf.
Yahoo is producing a daily video series, based on its most popular news stories, in partnership with Toyota. Of course, they're having a tough time getting the site up because it always ends up crashing.
This Friday is the deadline for mailing in your Census form. People all around the country put down how many people live in their houses — while Tiger Woods and Jesse James put 'kind of a tricky situation right now.'
President Obama announced that in 2012 he's going to hold his next nuclear security summit at a site in South Korea, right near the North Korean border. Seriously? That's like if you held a biker chick rally right across the street from Jesse James's rehab facility. You're asking for trouble.
Speaking of North Korea, I just read about a state-run comedy show in North Korea where the audience is ordered to laugh. It's called 'Funny or Actually Die.'
There's a rumor going around that Hillary Clinton could be Obama's choice for the next Supreme Court justice. That's a lifetime appointment that would take up all of her time, or as Bill Clinton calls it, 'She'll take it.'
Some more news out of Washington. Vice President Joe Biden hosted a big lunch today with foreign leaders at the Naval Observatory. Unfortunately, he spent the entire time asking everyone to observe his navel.
I just heard that CNN is hoping to spice up the show 'Anderson Cooper 360″ by adding a live audience. After that, they're hoping to spice up 'Larry King Live' by adding a live Larry King.
Barry Bonds said he is 'proud' of Mark McGwire for returning to baseball. And it really means a lot coming from Bonds — it's like Tiger Woods getting a high five at the Masters from Jesse James.
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From Denny: Awww, come on, you just knew I was going to go looking for allergy quotes during the height of pollen season! :) I took a look at America's pollen map today and saw some seriously high counts across the nation. It made me feel downright "blessed with less"! Some of these quotes were probably not meant to be funny but somehow they just came out humorous.
Check out the funny allergy and pollen quotes, the hilarious tech support joke, great photos from my fellow photographers over at flickr, pollen season poems by two famous poets and your very own link to a pollen count site. What more could you ask for? :)
* I used to wake up at 4 A.M. and start sneezing, sometimes for five hours. I tried to find out what sort of allergy I had but finally came to the conclusion that it must be an allergy to consciousness. - James Thurber
* The difference between an itch and an allergy is about one hundred bucks. - Anonymous
* Hay fever is the most common allergy in the developed world. Yet, there are some countries in the world where doctors don’t know what hay fever is. - Joel Weinstock
* The immune system didn’t evolve for allergy. Why in a hundred billion years of evolution would we evolve a response for allergy? - Joel Weinstock
* Mold is older than man. A lot of human beings have allergies to molds and some molds are worse than others. You put those two things together and you have a heightened awareness. - Phil Coop
* About 30 percent of the dogs we see here with allergies are allergic to their owners. - William Miller
* We either have to shoot the owner, or we create a special allergy vaccine just for them. - William Miller
* About 20 per cent of the population believe themselves to have a food allergy and only about five per cent actually do. - John Warner
* Genetics plays a big role in allergies. - Shari Gruener (Make sure to thank your parents.)
* As a country becomes more developed, allergy rises and rises. And the notion there is that in the more-developed countries, you may be getting less exposure to infections and germs and other things that may stimulate your immune system in a direction other than allergy, … The more your immune system is kept busy by exposure to germs and infections early in life, the less time it can devote to things like allergy. - Robert Wood
* Well, you potentially could plant a lower allergy garden, but while you’re out there planting it, you will bombarded by oak pollen, maples, grasses. - Keith Phillips
* A lot of people are allergic to tree mold - what next, do we limit the number of trees in each yard? - Mary Williams
* There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem? - Phyllis Diller
* What is love but an allergic reaction to the proper lighting! - Scott Thompson
* Frost is a good indicator that there is no pollen left outdoors. - Mike Tringale
* The study found that ragweed grown in an atmosphere with double the current carbon dioxide levels produced 61 percent more pollen than normal. Such a doubling of atmospheric carbon dioxide is expected to occur between 2050 and 2100. - Paul Epstein
* Fall: it’s the leaves, it’s the mold, it’s the pollen. Spring: it’s the grass and the trees. Dust is bad in winter. - Marjorie Crabtree
* In Africa, for example, the immune system is too busy chasing after worms to bother going after house dust mites. - Padraic Fallon
* Asthma doesn’t seem to bother me any more unless I’m around cigars or dogs. The thing that would bother me most would be a dog smoking a cigar. - Steve Allen
* Books are the bees which carry the quickening pollen from one to another mind. - James Russell Lowell
Oh, and isn't this just wonderful science news about pollen from Science Daily:
* Under human-induced climate change we expect higher wind speeds and more frequent storms will move pollen and seeds even farther from the source.
* The older a tree gets, the more pollen it produces each year.
* Long-distance dispersal of transgenic pine pollen is a potential problem only if that pollen is viable.
* Until then, the highest pine pollen had ever been found in the atmosphere was 1000 feet
* The odd thing is that pollen germination did not decline as distance increased ... You would expect germination to gradually drop off as pollen floats further away, but that's not the case.
* Pine pollen can travel up to 1800 miles in a short amount of time.
OK, everyone, do you get the idea that the plant world just might be mad at humanity and this is their revenge? As it was I ran across a study of growing hay fever plants in a carbon dioxide rich environment that caused the plants to produce 61% more pollen. Supposedly, we cannot blame the sooty air all on car emissions as apparently plants and trees make up 80% of the pollution.
So, this is what humanity can expect, just in time for the 2012 predictions of the end of the world as we know it: Climate change is causing faster winds and more storms to blow pollen our way from the ends of the earth that we have never experienced. Trees on this planet are arriving in old age so they are having a last fling at reproducing themselves with the ladies so they are sending out Viagra moments at an alarming rate. Pine pollen is like a blood hound; it likes to travel ridiculously long distances and arrive on your doorstep.
Me: “Thank you for calling ***, this is ***, how can I help you?”
Customer: *yelling* “IS THIS TECH SUPPORT?!”
Me: “Yes ma’am, it is. How can I help you?”
Customer: “My internets are broken and I need you to fix it now.”
Me: “OK, what’s your account number?”
Customer: “Ugh. You can’t just see it?”
Me: “No Ma’am, I have to look it up in our database.”
Customer: “S***. Fine, it’s ***.”
Me: “All right, just a moment here while I bring up the info…”
Customer: “Just hurry it up, will you?”
Me: “OK, it’s coming up now…”
Customer: *sneezes*
(About 10 seconds pass in silence. I can hear children talking in the background.)
Customer: “Excuse me…”
(I stay quiet, assuming she’s talking to the children.)
Customer: “EXCUSE ME!”
Me: “Sorry, were you speaking to me?”
Customer: “YES YOU IDIOT! WHAT THE F*** is WRONG with you people?”
Me: “I’m sorry? I’m not sure I understand…”
Customer: “I SNEEZED AND YOU DIDN’T BLESS ME! WHAT ARE YOU, SOME KIND OF ATHEIST?! DON’T YOU REALIZE WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF YOU DON’T BLESS SOMEONE WHEN THEY SNEEZE?”
Me: “Actually, ma’am, I really don’t, but I apol–”
Customer: *interrupting* “YOU’RE A F***ING HEATHEN! I HOPE YOU BURN IN H*** FOR THIS YOU…” *continues screaming*
Me: “Ma’am, I apologize if I’ve offended. I’ve found your account information, and it looks like your service was terminated three months ago.”
Customer: “YES! THAT’S HOW LONG IT’S BEEN DOWN – WHY CAN’T YOU FIX IT?!”
Me: “Because you don’t have an account with us anymore. You were canceled because of non-payment. If you’d like, I can transfer you to billing, and–”
Customer: *unintelligible screaming then hangs up*
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From Denny: Happy Easter to All of You! Hope this is a beautiful day for you on so many levels...
Here are all those posts you haven't had time to read or bookmark from this week. I figure you are just as eclectic and curious about your world as I am about mine, judging by the large amounts of traffic all these blogs have been receiving lately. Thank you for coming by for a visit!
It does help that I've been figuring out these past few months how best to organize and market these posts so you can easily - and quickly - find what is of interest to you. I know I don't like to get bogged down paging through someone's blog when all they had to do was provide some links on the sidebar or in a related post.
Sure it takes more time as a blogger to do so but it's always worth the effort. People appreciate it. As a writer, a blogger or a creative person, you don't just create or write for yourself. You have an audience and it's a good attitude to care about their interests and convenience as well. Taking time for all these technical details does pull time away from writing - sometimes, my poetry suffers when I don't have enough "think and gestate" time and it gets delayed like it did this week as I was changing over 14 blogs into new templates.
But, on balance, creative people might want to keep in mind not to get too self-absorbed with the writing or artwork as you will lose your people skills. Without people skills no one will be that interested in your writing or artwork anyway. Many times I've been at a weekend outdoor art showing of local artists and was about to purchase a painting, fiberwork or pottery only to be completely turned off by the odious attitude of the artist. I walk away every time.
The diva attitude of "you will get nothing and like it" is a sorry way to travel through life. There is so much more available for us if only we keep our hearts open and loving toward others. Sure there are those who test our patience and erode our good attitude - just keep walking through that day until you meet someone of a better attitude who is trying to have good relationships.
That's what the Easter season, even the Easter bunny, really represents. This is a time for renewal inside and out, a time to refresh our tattered attitudes and start again with new hope for our lives. Welcome the sunshine into your life this Spring!
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From Denny: Do you remember when you turned thirteen years old and suddenly your whole world opened up when you discovered the art of sarcasm? You were well on your way to annoying your parents who envisioned dreams of throwing a party when you grow up and move away - forever. You wore out your siblings and your friends to the point of exhaustion.
But look at it this way; you did a bang up job of establishing your individualistic identity. You were no longer just a nameless blob in the pedestrian suburban family. You were special because you had mastered the art of the one liner put down. Of course, your parents rolled their eyes behind your back and sometimes snickered as you explored witty verbal abuse to mark your territory in society like a bouncy Jack Russel Terrier dog on speed.
So, what does a precocious annoying thirteen year old do when they grow up? Looks like a band of them decided to start up their very own Sarcasm Society. I wonder if they "peaked in high school" on the social register? It is a cheeky romping fun little site, sometimes biting edge, sometimes lame, sometimes quite clever. Included is their post about the shamrock.
Can I tell you that there are entire websites devoted to sarcastic quotes, sayings and scrapbook quips? These are the best culled from the littered fields of the web, enjoy!
Definition of sarcasm: a cutting remark, an ironical criticism or reproach, a sometimes savage bitter form of humor usually intended to hurt or wound. In short, folks can get a bit corrosive if they don't dial it back a bit. The best sarcasm is handled like a feather touch, never heavy-handed.
Definition of irony: use of words to express the opposite of the literal meaning, incongruity between the actual and expected result of events.
I've always been more drawn to irony for witty fun. The only time getting mean-streak witty sarcastic is worth it is when you have a nasty bully in your face. Of course, you might not have much face left after the retort but you can be sure you left a lasting impression on their lifetime. Look at it this way: when you experience a "beat down" you can get up from the pile with a grin on your face as you limp away. It's worth it every time.
When I think of the scrappy high-spirited Irish every Saint Paddy's Day I often think of how clever they have been over the centuries with the spoken word - like cheeky Oscar Wilde. They certainly knew hardship and irony and yet could always scrounge up a clever retort or biting sarcasm when the occasion warranted it. So, here's to you, my Irish friends around the world, a dedication of a few sarcastic one liners and other word fun to give you a grin. Lift a glass of green beer and toast the fun of word banter!
In a recent investigative report, it was revealed that most of the World’s four-leaf clovers are now grown in China. The report uncovered a wide network of clover fields across China. The US, British, and Irish governments are said to be planning an inquiry into the clover farming, and how we can work to reestablish the west’s dominance in clover farming before it’s too late. A government spokesperson who wished to remain anonymous said…
“If we can’t even grow our own good luck charms, we are in serious trouble.”
He finished by saying that, “We need all the luck we can get; but that is going to be hard to come by since most of the World’s four leaf clovers are now in China.”
Quotes
* I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart. - e.e. cummings
* Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. - Sam Levinson
* I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either. - Jack Benny
* When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half. - Gracie Allen
* You can only be young once. But you can always be immature. - Dave Barry
* If your parents never had children, chances are you won't, either. - Dick Cavett
* One should always play fairly when one has the winning cards. - Oscar Wilde
* And though I ebb in worth, I'll flow in thanks. - John Taylor
* If you are grouchy, irritable, annoying, or just plain mean, there will be a $10 charge given to those who have to put up with you. - Anonymous
* One out of four people in this country is mentally unbalanced. Think of your three closes friends; if they seem OK, then you're the one. - Ann Landers
* Sanity is on back order… Sarcasm is in unlimited supply. - Anonymous
* Speak the truth but leave immediately afterward. - Anonymous
(Denny: I so understand this practice...!)
* Some drink at the fountain of knowledge… others just gargle. - Anonymous
* I started out with nothing and still have most of it left. - Anonymous
* I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. - Anonymous
* Does your train of thought have a caboose? - Anonymous
* Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them. - Anonymous
* Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
* The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing -- and then marry him. - Cher
* The universe is laughing behind your back. - Anonymous
* If you’re one in a million, then there are six thousand people exactly like you. - Anonymous
* Current state: Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. - Anonymous
* Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic. - Anonymous
* Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good. - Anonymous
* An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true. - Anonymous
* Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. - Anonymous
* Indecision is the key to flexibility. - Anonymous
* It hurts to be on the cutting edge. - Anonymous
* Anyone who can only think of only one way to spell a word obviously lacks imagination. - Mark Twain
* Future benefits result from hard work. Laziness has immediate results today. - Anonymous
* I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is called a disgrace, that two men are called a law firm, and that three or more are called a congress. - John Adams in the musical 1776
* If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. - Anonymous
* In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday. - Anonymous
* Practice safe eating - always use condiments. - Anonymous
* The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. - Anonymous
* You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.
* Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. - Oscar Wilde
* He is a self-made man and worships his creator. - Irvin S. Cobb
* Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else. - Anonymous
* A good listener is usually thinking about something else. - Kin Hubbard
* Did you ever notice: When you put The and IRS together it spells Theirs? - Anonymous
* A narcissist is someone better looking than you are. - Gore Vidal
* Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. - Anonymous
* When ideas fail, words come in very handy. - Goethe
* If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything. - Anonymous
(Denny: This one was my favorite as a kid. I got in more trouble for refusing to lie. My brother kept telling me that parents prefer liars. The problem was that I didn't. What a mess.)
* Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar. - Drew Carey
* One of the lessons of history is that Nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say. - Will Durant
* Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason. - Jerry Seinfeld
* A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into perspective in one of its releases:
-A billion seconds ago it was 1960.
-A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.
-A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.
-A billion dollars only lasts 5 hours and 20 minutes at the rate Washington spends it. - Anonymous
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