19 April 2010

Hey, Tea Party, Give Up Your Socialism Social Security Checks - Roundup of Late Night Comedy 19 Apr 2010

From Denny: Between Wall Street and the ridiculous - and that clown-filled wing nut - Republican Tea Party we have plenty to laugh at this week! Politics and finances are an endless source of revenue for comics every time they open their mouths. And how about those cartoonists? They sure know how to draw those Fat Cat Bankers and Wall Street villains.

This roundup is catching us up on the tax day quips and latest funny videos aimed at the bizarre Tea Party folks who seem to enjoy making fools of themselves while trying to denounce people who are actually working for a living.

Did you ever wonder where these Tea Party people find the time - and the money - to show up at these events? How many are retired on our taxpayer money - living on our "Socialist" dime? How many are using our taxpayer funded "Socialist" Medicare and Medicaid yet denounce it in the same breath as they take advantage of it?

How many are taking Social Security, you know, "Socialism" at its ugliest. I challenge the Social Security Tea Party folks to end their hypocrisy and put their money where their mouth is: quit taking Social Security checks every month. Voluntarily give up those checks.

Alternative option to sending those Social Security checks back to the government you despise and take for granted: Send me your Social Security checks, folks. I know how important it is to you to not be freaking hypocrites. I solemnly promise to guard that money with my very own bank account and not redistribute the wealth. :)






From Jay Leno:


It is April the 15th. This is a day we all curse like Vice President Joe Biden.

President Obama released his tax return today. He didn't owe a lot in taxes. He has a lot of dependents. He's got his wife, two daughters, A.I.G., General Motors, Goldman Sachs.

Hey, you probably heard about this on the news. Now being reported that the terrorist organization Al Qaeda is in financial ruin. To give you an idea what bad shape they're in, today I saw a terrorist buying a shoe bomb at Payless.

Well, do you know this story? Toyota has stopped selling their Lexus SUV because it poses a high risk of rolling over. But according to a Zogby poll, 62 percent of Americans believe that Toyotas are safe or safer than other vehicles. The other 38 percent are still in critical condition.

A giant cloud of ash from a volcano in Iceland has stopped air traffic all across Europe. The airlines are jumping all over this. They're now charging passengers a $400 volcanic ash cloud fee.

Researchers found that you are more likely get germs from money than any other object. … Really? Then how come poor people aren't healthier?

The Obama administration's top science and technology official has warned the United States cannot expect to be No. 1 in science and technology forever. Did you know we were No. 1 now? If we're No. 1 in technology, why do I have to call India for tech support, OK?

The Pentagon says that Al Qaeda is now in financial ruin. I tell you, Goldman Sachs, they screwed everybody.

Actually, Al Qaeda should have seen it coming. You know who's in charge of the finances? Osama ben Bernanke.

Well, the big story is the president of China, Hu Jintao, I believe his name is pronounced, is in Washington this week. Boy, it's causing some controversy. You may have heard about this. President Obama was seen bowing to the Chinese leader. Well, he has to. I mean, the rent is going to be late again next month.

In fact, leaders of 40 nations are in Washington this week for the nuclear summit. And the president of China was supposed to speak first. And that caused a lot of confusion when the moderator said: 'Who's on first?' 'Yes.' 'No, who?' 'Yes.' 'No, who?' 'Yes.' And it went back and forth. It got a little confusing.






And 89-year-old supreme court justice John Paul Stevens has announced he is retiring. He's going to be 90 this year. In fact, the other Supreme Court justices have to keep reminding him to close his robe.

A woman named Sue Lowden is a Republican running for the Senate in Nevada. You know this health care thing? The Republicans are against it. She says one of the ways you can keep the cost of your health care down is to barter with your doctor. You know, trade with him. That's a great idea. But what if your doctor is not Amish? O.K., what do you do then?

According to the Pentagon, Al Qaeda is in financial ruin. Good. I think that's called Al Karma.

Well, according to the Pentagon, Al Qaeda is in financial ruin. You know why they're broke? Health insurance premiums.

Well, the big news is Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens is retiring. I mean, this won't affect as many Americans as when Paula left 'American Idol,' but it's still a big deal.

Tiger Woods said he would try to keep his emotions under control, but after a bad swing, he used the F-word. Who does he think he is — vice president of the United States?

In a speech, the chairman of the Republican National Committee, Michael Steele, said 'I am the first here to admit I've made mistakes.' Then the stripper giving him a lap-dance said it will still be 20 bucks.



'SNL' Mocks Tea Baggers' Outfits, Signs, And Lack Of Humor

From Comedy Central: Bill Hader made an appearance as James Carville last night on "Weekend Update," and had some fun at the Tea Baggers expense.

Referring to their dispeasure with Obama poking fun at them, Carville pretty much spelled it out: "You can't dress how you dress and not expect jokes. You're wearing colonial costumes. And not even the whole costume...Which Founding Father wore the tri-corner hat with an Orlando Magic jersey?"






From Bill Maher:


What a day for the tea party people. Did you see that? America’s parks and fairgrounds were lost in a sea of man-boobs. They were venting their anger and rage against taxes, which, of course, in most cases for them went down. Protesting their taxes went down – but you know, why let the truth spoil a perfectly good Klan rally.

Federal taxes last year when down for 98 percent of people, but when asked about this, only 12 percent of the Teabaggers thought this was the case. 88 percent of them had it wrong. And a spokesman for the Teabaggers said, 'We don’t want to just be taxed less. We want to be taxed less by a white guy.

They used the opportunity on Tax Day to come up with what they call a 'Contract From America.' Remember the 'Contract With America'? Well, this is a different set of 10 completely ridiculous ideas. Like number 4, I'm not kidding about this: 'The tax code cannot have more words than the Constitution.' You know between this and the complaints about the health care bill being too long, can we say it? It's not taxes they hate, it's reading.

Sarah Palin got an iPad and she was complaining that it's not really that absorbent.

These people wake up angry. Glenn Beck today is furious about the volcanic ash cloud from Iceland. He knows it's Obama's fault, he just can't figure out how.

This week they were very upset with Obama because he had a big nuclear summit and he apparently bowed a little to the Chinese President. For the amount of cash that we owe China, we're lucky he didn't have to kneel and blow him.

Russia has banned all adoptions to America. So if you were hoping to get a little white kid with fetal alcohol syndrome, you're going to have to wait until Lindsay Lohan reproduces.







There's a new poll that says that Pope Benedict's approval rating has dropped to 35 percent. But he has a plan to turn it around. He's going to make a Nike commercial where he just stands there and takes shit from Tiger Woods' dad.

This week Obama has decided to followed in Bush's footsteps and promise that we are going to go to Mars. What is it with Mars that just captures presidential imagination? For Obama, I guess it's the hope of a new frontier. For Bush, it was the likelihood of exploitable resources. And for Clinton it was the possibility of green p**sy.




Colbert Mocks Hipsters For Shunning Census


From Colbert: According to a recent NPR report, many Williamsburg-based hipsters have refused to fill out the census, calling it a form that "relatively has nothing to do with your life."

But Colbert jokingly referred to it as a "a master stroke by the scruffy trend-setters. By not filling out the census, the government will dedicate fewer resources to their neighborhood, thereby causing it to decay, thereby increasing the neighborhood's hipster cred."

He's on to their game. If only he could see their band.


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From Jimmy Kimmel:


Here in California, our attorney general said he's going to investigate whether a university foundation that hired Sarah Palin to give a speech violated public disclosure laws. They had some controversy. Some students found her contract rider in a dumpster. That is a list of demands a performer has when they appear somewhere. Usually you see them for, like, rock stars, but Sarah Palin has one, I guess. Among other things, Palin's rider requires two first-class tickets from Alaska or a private jet from Alaska, nothing smaller than a Lear 60, and it has to have a window she can shoot out of.

She has to have three hotel rooms, a wooden podium, not plexiglass, two bottles of water, and best of all, I think, a supply of bendable straws. This is a complicated woman. On one hand, you know, she'll blow a moose's head off at 300 yards, but on the other, bendy straws.

Tomorrow, President Obama will be in Florida to announce his vision for America's space program. The rumor is that he is going to reverse President Bush's space policy, which centered on sending a giant caulk gun to the moon to fill all the craters up.

The first man on the moon, Neil Armstrong, sent a letter to Obama criticizing him because he's expected to cut funding for manned space flights. And he even helped spearhead this ad campaign that I guess is designed to convince President Obama to change his mind on this. 'For nearly half a century, the United States has been a world leader in exploring the final frontier: First to the moon, inspiring a nation, and paving the way for countless advancements in science. President Obama's plan to cut NASA's budget means never again will Americans see astronauts suck Jell-O through a straw, eat floating bananas, or doing funny experiments with a frog. Write President Obama. Don't let these super fun times come to an end. This message paid for by astronauts who love super fun times in space.' Powerful stuff.

Tomorrow is the day to mail in your tax returns, which means tonight is the night to start making fake receipts.

We may have another Oprah on our hands. Since leaving her job as the governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin has made more than $12 million. That is a lot of money for someone who can't say words that end in 'g.'

And they say $12 million is a conservative estimate. She may have made a lot more, and yet, she continues to blame Obama for the bad economy. It seems — weird, right?

The figure is a little bit misleading because most of that money is Alaskan currency, which is primarily made up of pelts and shiny rocks.

I watched so much golf this weekend. Tiger finished in 4th place, which means he only won $330,000, which is barely enough to pay his text messaging bill.

Tiger's obviously under a lot of stress. It's very difficult to play when you have a padlock on your underpants.







From Seth Meyers:


In a statement released this week, Pope Benedict said that he has forgiven the Beatles for John Lennon's claim that they were bigger than Jesus and for their Rock & Roll excesses – in the clearest sign yet that the Vatican is working from the bottom of the complaint box.


This is a bizarre moment. The crowd doesn't quite know what to make of the mocking humor from the rap band on stage. Talk about out of touch:


The Tea Baggers Rap Is Pure Amazingness


Untitled from elizabeth glover on Vimeo.




From Craig Ferguson:


It's fitting that April 14 is National Pecan Day because today, we recognize nuts. And tomorrow, on April 15, we pay our taxes to support them.

A pecan tree can live for 300 years and when they're old and gnarled, they can still bear fruit. They're like the tree world's Larry King.

"Scientists are saying that eating pecans every day may decrease your cholesterol. So in case they're right, I wrap all of my pecans in bacon.

It's a great day for America, everybody. Yes, it is! But not a great day for former Vice President Al Gore. He was ambushed for an interview by Fox News. What's wrong with you, Fox News? You don't ambush him. If you want to get Al Gore for an interview, you don't have to ambush him. Just leave a trail of ham into the studio.

It was announced today that Conan O'Brien has a new talk show on TBS and a lot of people are asking how it will affect this show. It will not — people that watch this show cannot afford basic cable.

KFC restaurants have unveiled the 'Double Down,' which is two slabs of fried chicken with bacon in the middle. Why not — we all have free health insurance.







From Jimmy Fallon:


In an interview with GQ Magazine, Lou Dobbs said he’s considering running for president. Hey, stranger things have happened — Lou Dobbs being in GQ Magazine being one of them.

There’s a new comic book coming out about Arnold Schwarzenegger’s life. In the comic, Arnold battles his life-long nemesis: words.

A town in Tennessee elected a dead man as its mayor. Finally, a politician who won't cheat on his wife.

At a Tea Party rally in Boston yesterday, Sarah Palin praised the crowd for winning that Senate race in Massachusetts. She said: 'Shoot, look at what you did in January. You shook up the United States Senate.' Unfortunately, no one heard the Senate thing, because after she said 'shoot,' 300 guns went off.

At the same rally, Sarah Palin said: 'Let me ask you, Massachusetts. Do you love your freedom?' Is anyone going to say 'no' to that? It's like going to a Phish show and saying, 'Anyone here like getting high and eating grilled cheese?'

President Obama is launching a new $6 billion space policy that will ultimately take astronauts to Mars. Of course, it's $6 billion and $45 if the astronauts have a carry-on.

Obama says the new $6 billion program will let us engage in deeper space exploration, while Biden says this will let us engage in open dialogue with Alf.

Yahoo is producing a daily video series, based on its most popular news stories, in partnership with Toyota. Of course, they're having a tough time getting the site up because it always ends up crashing.

This Friday is the deadline for mailing in your Census form. People all around the country put down how many people live in their houses — while Tiger Woods and Jesse James put 'kind of a tricky situation right now.'

President Obama announced that in 2012 he's going to hold his next nuclear security summit at a site in South Korea, right near the North Korean border. Seriously? That's like if you held a biker chick rally right across the street from Jesse James's rehab facility. You're asking for trouble.

Speaking of North Korea, I just read about a state-run comedy show in North Korea where the audience is ordered to laugh. It's called 'Funny or Actually Die.'

There's a rumor going around that Hillary Clinton could be Obama's choice for the next Supreme Court justice. That's a lifetime appointment that would take up all of her time, or as Bill Clinton calls it, 'She'll take it.'

Some more news out of Washington. Vice President Joe Biden hosted a big lunch today with foreign leaders at the Naval Observatory. Unfortunately, he spent the entire time asking everyone to observe his navel.

I just heard that CNN is hoping to spice up the show 'Anderson Cooper 360″ by adding a live audience. After that, they're hoping to spice up 'Larry King Live' by adding a live Larry King.

Barry Bonds said he is 'proud' of Mark McGwire for returning to baseball. And it really means a lot coming from Bonds — it's like Tiger Woods getting a high five at the Masters from Jesse James.


*** For lots more fun check out these posts:

Outrageous Tea Party Tax Signs and the Perverted Fools That Carry Them

Take the Test: Whats Your Sex IQ?

Crazy Limbaugh Blames Iceland Volcano on Obama


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