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From Conan O'Brien:
I am Conan O'Brien, and I am just three days away from the biggest drinking binge in history.
"Hello there, I'm Conan O'Brien, and I need all of you to write me a letter of recommendation.
We've had so much nice support. Yesterday, you probably saw this. There were rallies for me in cities across the country, including Chicago, which I thought was nice. You can tell things are bad when even Cubs fans feel sorry for you.
Poll Results: Are You on Team Conan or Team Leno?
None of the Above
I've had a crazy time the last couple days. Today was very busy. I spent the afternoon at Universal Studios amusement park, enjoying their brand-new ride, the Tunnel of Litigation. That's a crappy ride.
Some papers are reporting that I'm legally prohibited from saying anything bad about NBC. Yeah, for example, I am not allowed to say things like, 'NBC is headed downhill faster than a fat guy chasing a barrel of cheese.'
NBC and I hammered out an agreement for wrapping up my time here as host of the 'Tonight Show.' The general terms of the contract are all over the Internet. But there are some provisions in the contract you may not know about: I am prohibited from coming within 500 yards of 11:30. I must return the Etch-A-Sketch my contract was written on. I'm not allowed to make fun of NBC programming. I have to let the programming speak for itself. The cop who escorts me off the lot after my last show must have the rank of lieutenant or higher. Max Weinberg must surrender his key to the women's locker room at the NBC gym. Have to watch at least one NBC show every weeknight in order to double ratings. Effective today, NBC will stop paying for Andy Richter's medical marijuana, and medical Jack Daniels. Must stop production on my documentary expose of NBC: "Inside the 'Cock.'
Many of you have probably heard the news. NBC and I have finally reached a separation agreement. I knew it was official this morning when NBC dropped off all my CDs and picked up its lava lamp.
I thought about something today. Over the years I've made a lot of fun of Ryan Seacrest, Larry King, Spencer Pratt, Geraldo, David Hasselhoff, Kirstie Alley and Donald Trump. And here's the messed up thing, they all still have shows.
Letterman Rips Leno, Blames Him For Mess
I should have known something was up when NBC sent me that 2010 calendar that only went up to January.
Over the past week, ratings for the 'Tonight Show' are up by 50%. When NBC executives heard this they told me, 'See, you really don't fit in around here.
This whole experience has been so surreal. I never thought I'd be jealous of the long, illustrious run that NBC gave 'Joey.'
I've been trying to look on the bright side and make the best of a tough situation. Even though I had this job for only 7 months, in the world of entertainment, that's actually a pretty long time. In fact, I came up with a list of things in Hollywood that lasted less than seven months: Kid Rock's marriage to Pamela Anderson: five months. Popularity of the 'Leave Britney Alone Guy': four months. Ed Hardy T-shirts being cool, not tacky: 5.5 months. The plot of 'Lost' being vaguely comprehensible: three months. Joan Rivers' 17th face: six weeks. Interest in Denise Richards' side of the story: 18 hours. Gary Busey's love affair with an Encino parking meter: 44 days. Lindsay Lohan's first and third stints as a lesbian: three months & five months. The Masturbating Bear's disappearance from the airwaves: six months, 29 days.
It's been reported that before I agree to a final settlement with this network I want to make sure NBC takes care of my staff. At first they thought I was gullible -- they said the staff would be taken to a big farm where they'd be allowed to run free forever.
I've been having a hard time explaining this whole situation to my kids, because they're still very young. So I had a doll made of myself, and now I can show my kids exactly where NBC touched daddy.
There was a big Senate race in Massachusetts yesterday, and the winner, Scott Brown, made a victory speech where he mentioned that his two daughters were 'available.' At least this explains his campaign slogan: 'Scott Brown: Creepy for Massachusetts, Creepy for America.'
Jimmy Kimmel vs. Sarah Palin vs. Glenn Beck vs. George Washington
From Jimmy Kimmel:
The Supreme Court today ruled in a five votes to four decision that corporations can now spend as much as they want on political campaigns. In other words, if Exxon or Dow wants to support a candidate, they can give him or her as much money as they want. I can’t see that having any negative repercussions, can you?
The court ruled that corporations should be given the same right to free speech as people, which is — I mean, corporations are not people, and if they were people, they’d be real jerks.
NBC has reached an agreement with Conan O'Brien. He's going to get $32 million and his staff will split up $12 million. Which I would cash those checks immediately. They're saying that if, putting 30 doesn't work, the plan is to close NBC down and turn it into a Costco.
I just want to mention, if anybody wants to pay me $45 million to go home, I'll go. I'll walk home. To Brooklyn. I'm just putting that out there. That's a lot of money. I hear Haiti is trying to figure out how to get fired by NBC.
From Jay Leno:
Well, in political news, the big upset. A Republican was elected to the U.S. Senate in Massachusetts, filling a seat once held by Ted Kennedy. So, this could tip the delicate balance of power in the U.S. Senate from the completely incompetent back to the morally corrupt.
I guess everybody knows that Scott Brown posed naked for Cosmo when he was a law student. See, back then, the GOP stood for 'grand old package.'
Terrible, terrible rain. And, of course, the rain couldn't have come at a worst possible time. You know, today was the day NBC was supposed to burn down the studio for the insurance money.
You know, it's hard to believe President Obama has now been in office for a year. Isn't that amazing? It's a year. And you know, it's incredible. He took something that was in terrible, terrible shape, and he brought it back from the brink of disaster: The Republican party.
You know that question, what can Brown do for you? Apparently he can stop the Democrat's health care plan.
Well, folks, it looks like California's about to legalize marijuana. Yeah, yeah. You thought Governor Schwarzenegger was hard to understand before.
Well, Sarah Palin is now going to be a VIP guest at next month's Daytona 500. She won't have any official role. So it will be like when she ran for vice president.
Oh, and New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine has signed legislation making marijuana legal, huh? Well, finally a reason to live in New Jersey.
The one good thing to come out of all this infighting: Conan's ratings have surged. His ratings are way up since this whole thing started. Yeah, but unfortunately, that thing is frowned upon here at NBC. Remember, I got fired for it.
Remember the more innocent days of late night TV, when the only thing people cared about was which intern the host was nailing? What happened there?
"Yesterday, President Obama told the bankers who received the bailout money that instead of fighting these new regulations and fees, they should simply consider meeting their responsibilities. Well that's a good strategy. To the guys that screwed us out of billions of dollars, let's appeal to their sense of honesty and fair play. Well, that'll work.
According to Time magazine, executives at the Wall Street firm of Goldman Sachs were paid an average of $600,000 last year. And that was just by Congress.
Jon Stewart: Palin Like A "Moose In Headlights" On Fox News
|The Daily Show With Jon Stewart||Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c|
|Crazy Like a Contributor|
From David Letterman:
Massachusetts elects a Republican who drives a truck with 200,000 miles on it. It's a Chevy truck. Which is more hard to believe now: Massachusetts elects a Republican, or Chevy builds a truck that lasts 200,000 miles?
But you know, this Martha Coakley, the Democratic candidate was like two weeks ago, 20 points, ahead by 20 points. And she blew it, here's what happened. Apparently she was on the Patriots defense.
President Obama says he blames himself for the upset in the Massachusetts Senate race because he was too remote. Meanwhile, today in Arizona, John McCain couldn’t find his remote.
Conan says he wants to work for a network that's more trustworthy than NBC. How about Al Jazeera?
Things are so bad at NBC now that earlier today, the NBC peacock walked into a KFC and surrendered.
They have built now, robotic women. They're anatomically correct, they have synthetic skin, and they can carry on minimal conversations. As a matter of fact, the Republican Party wants to run one for vice president.
From Jimmy Fallon:
Well, today officially marks the beginning of President Obama's second year in office. Yeah, he has three years left, but NBC offered him $45 million to leave altogether.
During his acceptance speech Tuesday, newly-elected Senator Scott Brown told the crowd that two of his older daughters are both available. Man, so many great American speeches, right? 'Four score and seven years ago,' 'Ask not what your country can do for you,' 'I have a dream,' and now, 'My daughters are both available.
When Scott Brown takes office, Democrats will lose their filibuster-proof Senate majority. And he's vowed to oppose the health care bill. That's a nice way to start your first day, huh? 'Hey, I'm the new guy. Hate what you're doing here.
A new survey found that only 19% of kids give President Obama an 'A' on his first year in office. Malia was like, 'This is the best possible day to tell dad about my 'D' in social studies.'
I just read President Obama plans to deliver his State of the Union address next Wednesday, Jan. 27. Until then, he's just at home going: 'Please everything get better by Wednesday. Please everything get better by Wednesday.'
Cable news, everyone keeps talking about how much his approval rating has dropped, but he's the most popular African-American president in history.
Hey, this is pretty big. Sarah Palin is saying that her deal with Fox News wouldn't keep her from running for president in 2012. However, Palin did admit her deal with Fox News will keep her from winning.'
Listen to this: In 2009, the F.B.I. reported a 20 percent decrease in the number of people robbing banks. There was, however, a huge increase in the number of banks robbing people.
This is very sweet. President Obama threw Michelle a surprise birthday party on Saturday night, which is why all week long, Joe Biden was like: 'Hi, Michelle. Nothing new going on here. No secrets being kept, surprises being planned. Certainly no surprise parties. What?'
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