08 February 2010

Funny Roundup of Late Night Comedy - 8 Feb 2010

From Denny: Here in Louisiana we stayed up all night long from the excitment of our Cinderella team the New Orleans Saints winning their first Super Bowl! And you wonder why I'm getting this post out so late in the day... :) And I wasn't even down in the New Orleans French Quarter where some of our friends are waking up like the living dead it was such a raucous night. We all are probably going to be snoring soundly by children's hour of 7 PM tonight...

I was scouting out some good video to show you New Orleans after the win but the sports sites are so clogged I can't get any video to play let alone get to the embed code. I'll insert it later when things calm down.

This win was a serious psychological boost to the city and the state. Since Hurricane Katrina we've been dealing with economic issues and job loss for almost five years now and it was beginning to be a bit of a grind. People needed some joy and this win was just the ticket. Thank you, Saints!

As to this past week's news for the comics to lampoon - it pretty much looked like Toyota set themselves up as the biggest target. They have been deceptive to their customers and lying to the American government for years. Makes me glad I don't own a Toyota because the trade in value is burnt toast now. Remember, if you do own a Toyota, take advantage of the Lemon Laws and get Toyota to buy it back.

Comics played with the new military policy of abandoning Don't Ask Don't Tell about gay folks serving in the military. Gay people have always been part of the human population and always will be. Why make such a big deal of it? Gay people are first class citizens like the rest of us - how about treating them like it's true; let them live an honest life without fear of retribution.

Of course, Jon Stewart, John Oliver and Colbert all had great fun mocking the political hypocrites on the changing of military policy. They reamed John McCain a new attitude for his next presidential convention.



From Jay Leno:

Have you heard the new slogan? 'Toyota, just try and stop us.'

Toyota recalling 2.3 million cars because of two problems — unintended acceleration and possible brake problems. Things are not looking good for Toyota. In fact, today, two crash test dummies refused to get in the car.

And just two weeks before he is scheduled to go to Nevada to campaign for Harry Reid, President Obama said Las Vegas is a place of excess that people should not visit during hard times. I guess the president feels if you want to see people cavorting with prostitutes and wasting your money, go to Washington.

Here's something pretty unbelievable. The only living World War I veteran, a man named Frank Buckles, just turned 109 years old. What's even more amazing, he just finished his fourth tour in Afghanistan.

And a number of high-ranking officials in the military have come forward to say they feel gays should be allowed to serve in the armed forces. I think gay people should be allowed to serve. I mean, think about it. What are we defending here in America? Lady Gaga, 'Dancing with the Stars,' 'American Idol,' the TV show 'Glee.' Hello, look around, people.

The wife of Gov. Mark Sanford — you know the guy who snuck off to Argentina to see his mistress? You know this moron, this idiot? Well, now the wife says in the book, when they got married, Mark Sanford insisted on taking the part about being faithful out of the wedding vows. Now, I'm no marriage counselor, but ladies, isn't that a red flag?

And then when he went on the honeymoon with someone else, that should have told her!

And in Japan, they've developed a new green machine that turns regular paper into toilet paper. You know, kind of what Wall Street did with the dollar. It's the same thing.

"President Obama is having a big Super Bowl party. This is very shrewd. He has invited a group of Republicans to come to the White House for his Super Bowl party. He's going to seat the 'you lie' guy next to the 'not true' guy." –David Letterman

"President Obama is very shrewd about bringing the Republicans into the White House for the Super Bowl party, because he feels like if he can get them to pass the dip, maybe they'll pass health care." –David Letterman

President Bush told Obama, he said, 'Listen, you get 10 Republicans to show up, and I'll drop in and choke on a pretzel.'

Oh, here's something interesting and important. The Pentagon now wants to allow gays to serve openly in the military. You know what that means, ladies and gentlemen? More parades.

I think it was Bill Clinton who popularized the 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy. But don't confuse that with another Clinton policy — 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell Hillary.' That was a whole different policy.

From Jimmy Kimmel:

President Obama has decided to skip the Winter Olympics in Vancouver. I think he's still mad they stiffed him in Chicago. But they said it would be very expensive to arrange proper security for Obama, so they're sending Vice President Joe Biden in his place. Because, you know, who cares?

The president won't be at the Super Bowl either. In fact, in a show of some sort of spirit of cooperation, I guess, he's invited a group of top Republicans to watch the game with him at the White House on Sunday. That should be a lot of fun. Going to need a two-thirds vote before they pass him the Doritos.

President Obama is getting more angry criticism today. Boy, this guy can't get a break. Apparently, though, he told a group of high school kids in New Hampshire, and I quote: 'When times are tough, you tighten your belts. You don't go buying a boat when you can barely pay your mortgage. You don't blow a bunch of cash in Vegas when you're trying to save for college. You prioritize.' And needless to say, people in Vegas are extremely upset. In fact, the mayor of Las Vegas said the president is not welcome in Las Vegas. I happen to agree with the mayor. How dare the President tell high school kids not to blow their college money in Las Vegas. We're in a recession right now. What about Siegfried? What about Roy? What about their tigers? The tigers cannot survive on eating magicians alone. They need money.

'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' could be a thing of the past, very soon. The chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Admiral Michael Mullen, says he believes gays should serve in the military, all gays, whether they want to or not.

Today, by the way, is Groundhog Day. And this morning, the groundhog known to humans as Punxsutawney Phil was ripped from his hole by men dressed like the mayor in Monopoly. The animal rights group PETA has asked the organizers of this ridiculous event to replace Punxsutawney Phil with a robot groundhog. You create one robot groundhog, and before you know it, they take over the planet, you have to send people back in time to exterminate them and then we have no governor anymore. It's not a good idea.

Jon Stewart and John Oliver ream former Presidential candidate - and most likely 2012 rerun - Senator John McCain on his hypocritical promises toward military gay policy. They mock old age in the same conversational framework that Republicans complain about gays in the military:


The Daily Show With Jon StewartMon - Thurs 11p / 10c
A Few Gay Men & Women
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show
Full Episodes
Political HumorHealth Care Crisis


And here's Colbert's sarcastic funny take on the new military policy:

The Colbert ReportMon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Be Almost All That You Can Be
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full EpisodesPolitical HumorEconomy



From Jimmy Fallon:

This morning, President Obama spoke at the National Prayer Breakfast in Washington, D.C. Obama told the crowd that no one should go broke when they get sick in the richest nation on earth, which, I think, is his way of saying we're going to start exporting sick people to China.

Listen to this. On the 'Today' show, this morning, Michelle Obama said she likes having her mother live at the White House because she helps take care of Sasha and Malia. And Barack Obama said he likes having his mother-in-law living at the White House because he has to say that.

You guys hear about what's going on with Toyota? This is crazy. It's like, their job is to make cars, right? Well, they had a problem with gas pedals getting stuck — now, they're recalling the Prius because the brakes don't work. And because of this, sales of Ford cars and trucks rose 25 percent in the past month. But Ford says it's because of its new ad slogan, 'Ford, because Toyota is trying to kill you.'

A company in California is working on a new wireless monitor for pill bottles that tattles on you when you forget to take your medicine. Yeah, it's the same system already used by people who take drugs for hallucinations. 'O.K., bottle's talking. Time to take another one. There you go. Thank you!'

A new study found that eating corned beef for breakfast could help you lose weight. Doesn't sound like a study. That sounds like something a guy who eats corned beef for breakfast says.

A new research found that one in five people has an 'unfitness' gene, which makes them out of shape no matter how much they exercise. The same research also found that five out of five people will now use that as their excuse for being out of shape.

At the town hall event, President Obama also said jobs will be our No. 1 focus in 2010. He then added, 'Specifically, mine and Biden's jobs.'

Obama also had some economic advice for the American people. He told them not to blow a bunch of cash on Vegas when you're trying to save for college. Though to be fair, most recent college graduates would probably have more luck in Vegas, I think.

The president is really trying to bring people together. He told Senate Democrats that politics can't be just about scoring points. Then today, he was sued by the Knicks for stealing their motto.

Everybody's talking about the military's 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy. Admiral Mike Mullen said it's wrong to force people to lie about who they are in order to serve their country. Then Congress was like: 'Who cares? We do that every election.'




From David Letterman:

A couple of days ago, there was the annual race, people come from all over the world, and they race up the stairs of the Empire State Building. Wait a minute. You want to get your heart racing, you really want to get it pump pumping? Do what I do. Drive to work in a Toyota.

You know about this big Toyota recall? And things are dangerous, and I'm coming to work in my car. Here's how scary it is. The navigation lady was actually praying.

You folks excited about the Super Bowl coming up Sunday? And the New Orleans Saints' fans, I'm telling you, they have waited a long, long time for their team to get into the Super Bowl. Not as long as they waited for FEMA, but still, it's been a very long, long time.

President Obama is having a big Super Bowl party. And you know what he is doing? This guy is shrewd, very savvy politically. He has invited a bunch of senators to come to the White House for the Super Bowl party. What could be more fun than watching a four-hour football game with Joe Lieberman? There you go. Talk about rock 'n' roll.

There's a new Osama bin Laden video. Gosh, I mean, this guy, what is he doing, working at Blockbuster?

There is always a new Osama bin Laden video. And in this one, he's worried about global warming. And he's blaming the United States for global warming. And I just thought to myself, wait a minute, this guy thinks it's warm now, wait till he gets to hell.

Top Ten Things Overheard During Scott Brown's First Day In The Senate

10. "Wanna throw on some pants, Scotty?"
9. "Where's the tanning bed?"
8. "You wanna throw on a shirt now, Scotty?"
7. "Palin's accusing you of being a dope who's skating by on looks"
6. "John Edwards wants to ask if you have any interest in pretending to be a father"
5. "The Senate will now come to . . . Oh my God, he's even hunkier in person"
4. "An underpants model in the Senate — Yeah, that's what the Founding Fathers had in mind"
3. "Barney Frank wants to know if you're available"
2. "Look out! Runaway Toyota!"
1. "No, Senator, we do not want to see your 'situation'"




President Obama is having a big Super Bowl party. This is very shrewd. He has invited a group of Republicans to come to the White House for his Super Bowl party. He's going to seat the 'you lie' guy next to the 'not true' guy.

President Obama is very shrewd about bringing the Republicans into the White House for the Super Bowl party, because he feels like if he can get them to pass the dip, maybe they'll pass health care.

President Bush told Obama, he said, 'Listen, you get 10 Republicans to show up, and I'll drop in and choke on a pretzel.'

Oh, here's something interesting and important. The Pentagon now wants to allow gays to serve openly in the military. You know what that means, ladies and gentlemen? More parades.

I think it was Bill Clinton who popularized the 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy. But don't confuse that with another Clinton policy — 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell Hillary.' That was a whole different policy.


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GEAUX SAINTS!!!!!!
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