15 February 2010

Funny Roundup of Late Night Comedy 15 Feb 2010

*** Late night quips and funny videos to keep you sane enough to get through the work week laughing!

From Denny: Well, looks like this week Sarah Palin and Toyota are still on the hot seat with comedians. "Ridiculous is as ridiculous does." Of course, Palin is laughing all the way to the bank, making $100,000 for something akin to speaking, but not coherently, at the recent Tea Party Convention.

Colbert and Jon Stewart have plenty to say about her performance and the speech. Colbert also ridicules Liars News - oops, "in the interest of fairness," the truth is they are officially named as Fox News - for ridiculing Al Gore on the news of global warming. Colbert really rakes them over the hot coals for their "stinkin' thinkin'."

Cartoonists lampooned and pinned to the wall all sorts of opinions about the Toyota recall. Also are loads of fun political opinion cartoons related to Valentine's Day. See more in my Saturday's post: 42 Funny Political Cartoons 13 Feb 2010

From David Letterman:

They got a lot of snow in Washington, D.C. And the city came to the biggest standstill they've had since the Democrats got the supermajority.

But this President Obama, he had an idea about how to handle it. He's going to let the Democrats handle the snow. They'll put it on the back burner and hope it melts.

I'll tell you, you woke up this morning, and New York, a tremendous sight. I mean, it was whiter than a Tea Party rally.

People still talking about the Super Bowl. It was the most watched TV program of all time. The second most-watched event was the episode of 'Dallas' where J.R. gets shot in the face by Dick Cheney.

This President Obama, I mean, give the guy credit. He keeps working and working and working. He's going to invite a bunch of Republicans to have a televised debate on healthcare. It's going to be a big, big event. As a matter of fact, at halftime The Who will be there doing a special song about Lipitor. So look for that.

And last night, Bob Dylan performed at the White House in honor of Black History Month. Because when you think of black history, you think of a mumbling, white, Jewish guy from Minnesota.

We learned last weekend that Sarah Palin writes notes on her hand when she's giving speeches. You can see the notes right there on her hand. The first one is, 'Hitch up the dogsled,' 'buy Chapstick,' 'clean rifle.'

I started doing a little something that is mighty helpful. When I come out here to tell the jokes, I have them all written in the palm of my hand.

And now critics of the automobile industry are saying that Toyota executives knew about the problems with the brakes years and years ago. And they're wondering, rightly so, why did they drag their feet? Well, trying to stop the car. That's what they were doing.

Congratulations to the New Orleans Saints. They defeated my Indianapolis Colts. So all I can say is, 'Don't worry, Indianapolis, FEMA is on the way.'

A lot of Republicans attended President Obama's Super Bowl party. And I thought oh, yeah, they care about New Orleans, now!

Anybody snowed in the big blizzard? Like, over two feet, down there in Washington, D.C. D.C. completely ground to a halt. Absolutely nothing going on. Well, how you can tell the difference?

It was so cold in Washington that the new senator from Massachusetts, Scott Brown, was actually wearing pants.

You know who I am talking about? The new senator from the state of Massachusetts. Before he got into politics, he had two jobs. He was a go-go boy. And he was also a nude model. And they swore him in last week. It was a moving ceremony. He put his hand on a copy of 'Cosmo.'

Over the weekend, Sarah Palin was speaking to a group called the Tea Party Group. And she received a hundred thousand dollars in payment. Now, of course, she was paid in pelts, but still.

And to go to this Tea Party deal, it was a 350 bucks a plate. And if you wanted a glass or a cup, well, that was more.

But 350 bucks a plate and a lot of people say, 'Whoa! Dave, that seems a little pricey.' Yes, but for 350, a guy will come to your table and waterboard a lobster.

Jon Stewart gives his irreverent take on the Republicans' ridiculous so-called Tea Party Convention. His expletives have been bleeped.

It's amusing how the Republicans are trying to own the early Revolutionaries' Tea Party convention, rebelling against King George in the Boston harbor, dumping chests of tea into the sea. The Republican Party is the direct descendant, both in creed and policies, of the Monarchists who got chased out of America during the Revolutionary War years because they turned on their neighbors who were then hung, their properties seized and given over to Monarchy supporters. Sound familiar? That cultural beginning has morphed into the Republican Party and Big Business. Guess a number of them snuck back over the border and started multiplying over the centuries to torment us today...

Then there is the more recent meaning of the word "teabag" in today's urban dictionary. That too has morphed, taking on a seriously sexual overtone. Which explains why we all have been snickering ever since the Republicans proudly announced they were "Teabaggers." You might as well announce, "I'm for porno and proud of it!" Well, no one said these poor intellects were the smartest or the wisest. Why else do they write speech notes on the palms of their hands?

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From Jimmy Fallon:

The entire East Coast is covered with snow banks and snow drifts, or as Toyota drivers call them — 'cushions.'

So cold out there the writing on Sarah Palin's hand said, 'Economy,' 'jobs,' 'put on gloves, stupid.'

Airports all over the East Coast are facing flight cancellations. In fact, under each departure time, it says, 'Are you freaking kidding me?'

President Obama told White House reporters that his meeting with bipartisan congressional leaders went, quote, 'well.' When asked why he was being vague, he was like, 'because.'

Did everybody watch the Super Bowl? Everybody's happy for New Orleans. In fact, FEMA announced plans to congratulate them in about two weeks.

On Saturday, Sarah Palin looked at notes written on her hand during a speech at the Tea Party Convention in Tennessee. Isn't that wild? Oddly enough, she was reading, 'Hi, I'm Sarah Palin.'

Colbert over at Comedy Central lampoons "stinkin' thinkin'":

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From Jimmy Kimmel:

Did you see Sarah Palin at the Tea Party Convention on Saturday? Well, this is — I'm starting to love her, really. She mocked President Obama for using a teleprompter and then, someone noticed she had notes written on her hand. And she had the words 'energy,' 'budget,' with the word 'cuts' crossed off, 'tax,' and 'lift American spirits' written on her palm. It lifted my spirits, so — mission accomplished, I guess."

Writing stuff on your hand? It's not a good idea. It's actually why President Bush invaded Iraq instead of Iran. He wrote it down. I guess he played, like, nine holes of golf. And now here we are.

Maybe Sarah Palin would be smarter if she had bigger hands.

Actually, Sarah Palin is no dummy. This is actually a calculated move designed to promote her new book, 'Cheat Sheets and Moose Meats.' It's a collection of recipes that you can write in moose blood right on your hand.

Sarah Palin's also getting criticized because last week she demanded that Obama's chief of staff, Rahm Emanuel, step down because he used the word retarded. But then, Rush Limbaugh did the same thing on his radio show and that, she said, was O.K. Unfortunately, she's been unable to respond to the criticism because she's wearing mittens.

The East Coast is covered in snow right now. Washington, D.C., and Northern Virginia got almost 35 inches over the weekend. And may get 20 more inches tomorrow. Schools and businesses were closed. They're building snow-bamas all over the place.

The federal government was shut down today, and they estimate it cost about $100 million in lost productivity. The House is literally stuck in the House, and they can't do anything. I have to admit, it is nice to see lawmakers shoveling something else for a change, isn't it?

Most congressmen are actually taking this opportunity with all the snow to spend some quality time with their mistresses.

Colbert gives his version of the Tea Party Convention with Sarah Palin as keynote speaker. They actually paid this woman $100,000 to give a speech. Unbelievable.

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From Jay Leno:

Hey, be glad you're not back East. Huge snowstorms. I don't think Washington has seen a snow job like this since that last stimulus package.

It was so cold, Nancy Pelosi had to sit in her driveway for 10 minutes defrosting her eyeballs.

It was so cold, Sarah Palin had to cancel a speech because she didn't want to take her gloves off to read.

China and the United States have been locked into a series of trade disputes. President Obama said this week that China is putting U.S. exports at a disadvantage. Well, of course, U.S. exports are at a disadvantage. You know why? All our U.S. exports are made in China.

Dr. Conrad Murray charged today with the death of Michael Jackson. He is headed to jail. Could lose his medical license. So, see, there's healthcare reform.

And with all this snow, President Obama told all nonessential White House employees they didn't have to come in. Well, actually, just Joe Biden.

Well, congratulations to the world champion New Orleans Saints for winning the Super Bowl. That's the best thing to happen to New Orleans since George Bush left office.

*** Cartoonists lampooned and pinned to the wall all sorts of opinions about the Toyota recall. Also are loads of fun political opinion cartoons related to Valentine's Day. See more in my Saturday's post: 42 Funny Political Cartoons 13 Feb 2010

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