From David Letterman:
Spring training started. And the Phillies, look out for the Phillies. They get this guy, Roy Halladay, the best pitcher in all of baseball. But listen to this, the Mets, very competitive. You know who they signed? They signed that guy who threw the shoes at President Bush.
The Dalai Lama was down at the White House today to meet President Obama. Meanwhile in Texas, George W. Bush got caught in the garage door.
President Obama has announced that he’s approving construction of two new nuclear reactors. And George W. Bush immediately stood up and screamed, 'It's nucular!'
And like every president, President Obama is now worried about the poll numbers because they continue just to kind of whittle away and going down and down and down. So he decided to turn things around. What he's going to do is invite himself to the White House for a beer.
There's a bit of a scandal in men's figure skating at the Olympics. Three skaters have tested positive for 'fabulous.'
Stephen Colbert tries out for the American Olympics curling team, a 500 year old sport from Scotland:
| The Colbert Report | Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c | |||
| Skate Expectations - Curling Team Tryouts - Colbert vs. Shuster | ||||
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In curling, they get a 40 lb. granite stone and send it down the ice and then they sweep the debris from in front of it. It's all the fun of shuffleboard, plus household chores.
Today is the birthday of North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il. And a lot of people want to get the guy gifts. I have a suggestion. You can't go wrong with another pair of ladies' sunglasses.
Bob Dylan performed at the White House last night in honor of Black History Month...Because when you think of black history, you think of a mumbling, white, Jewish guy from Minnesota.
It's Presidents' Day, ladies and gentlemen. Three-day weekend for most people. Remember President George Bush? Every weekend was a three-day weekend for him.
Did you have a nice Valentine's Day? Remember the underpants bomber? Remember that guy? He bought his girlfriend some lovely exploding lingerie.
Everybody celebrates Valentine's Day, whether you want to or not. Even President Barack Obama. The Republicans got together and bought him some candies for Valentine's Day that say, 'YOU LIE' and 'NOT TRUE.'
You know who was at the Daytona 500? Sarah Palin, former Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin. She was at the finish line, and she waved her checkered past.'
Yesterday, there was a big feud between former Vice President Dick Cheney and current Vice President Joe Biden. Cheney is upset with Biden because Biden, when he moved in after they were elected, he closed down Cheney's dungeon in the White House.
I'm worried about Biden. Do you really want to get in a feud with a guy who shoots people?
Here's something to really get excited about. The Winter Olympics: here we go. And, of course, earlier tonight, the opening ceremonies up there in Vancouver. I always enjoy the parade of nations that hate the U.S. Isn't it nice?
Yesterday was Sarah Palin's birthday. And Sarah celebrated the same way she does every year — got in a helicopter and was picking off wolf cubs.
The 'Wolfman' movie opened today. It's about a guy who is half-human, half-beast, and it has a pretty happy ending. In the end, he's elected governor of California.
The big blizzard hit the East Coast. Washington, D.C., probably hit hardest of all. Two storms, back-to-back. The bad news is Washington, D.C., is entirely shut down. The good news is Washington, D.C., is entirely shut down.
Oh, we have some news coming out of Iran, where Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said today that they are enriching uranium but not for nuclear weapons. And I said, Well, that's good enough for me.
Here's an important anniversary in the world of comedy. Four years ago today Vice President Dick Cheney was out hunting, and he shot one of his buddies in the face.
But a lot of people criticized Cheney for not doing the right thing after he shot the guy. But he did what he needed to do. He tied the guy to his roof. And then he drove him back to his house.
Celebrity birthday. Happy birthday to Sarah Palin, who is 46 years old today. And you know, Sarah Palin, when she goes on a public speaking event, writes notes on her hand. Here's what she has on her hand today for her birthday. Let's check in on this, O.K., 'blow out candles,' 'eat cake,' and 'clean rifle.'
From Jimmy Kimmel:
President Obama met with the Dalai Lama today, despite strong objections from the Chinese government. They’ve even threatened to stop sending us poisonous toys.
How is it that the Olympics can hand out 250 medals in a few weeks? It takes 'American Idol' 58 weeks to pick one karaoke singer.
The Winter Olympics are under way in Canada. Skiing, snowboarding, ice-skating, these are not sports. They're vacation activities. I feel like I'm watching someone's home movies.
They showed the biathlon today, a combination of cross-country skiing and shooting rifles, which is known to Sarah Palin as 'commuting.'
NBC has exclusive rights to the games, so we can't show any footage from the Olympics. In fact, I'm not even supposed to say the word, 'Olympics.' That may have cost us $800,000 right there.
I'm not sure what this says about us, but two new polls just came out. One of them found out that 70 percent of Americans support gays and lesbians serving openly in the military. And another poll, by the same company at the same time, found that only 59 percent of Americans support homosexuals serving openly in the military. I guess it means that 11 percent of Americans don't know homosexuals are gay.
The federal government was shut down today because of all the snow. I have to admit, it is nice to see lawmakers shoveling something else for a change, isn't it?
Tiger Woods called a press conference for Friday morning. Only select journalists will be invited and no questions will be taken. Essentially, we’re going to listen to him read. Maybe he’ll announce a new batch of mistresses for 2010.
Today is the 31st anniversary of the Islamic revolution in Iran. President Mahmoud Amembersonlyjacket celebrated by declaring that Iran is now a nuclear state. So that's good news. Mazel tov to them.
Iran's telecommunications agency announced a permanent suspension this week of all Google Gmail service. From now on, if you want to reach anyone in Iran, you have to use Faceburqa.
The government announced that they're going to start their own national email service as a way to build trust with the people, because if there's anyone you can trust with your email, it's the Iranian government, of course.
Today is also a day of celebration for Sarah Palin, who celebrated her 46th birthday today. Her family managed to hang streamers from the walls of the igloo, which is not easy to do.
And let me tell you something. You have not been to a birthday party until you've seen Sarah Palin blow out 46 candles with an assault rifle.
From Jimmy Fallon:
A new Gallup poll found that 44 percent of Americans would vote for President Obama in 2012, while 42 percent would vote for a Republican candidate. If you are wondering about the other 14 percent, let's just say Bieber fever has gotten a little out of control.
Joe Biden was interviewed on 'Larry King' last night. And he said that some of Sarah Palin's recent comments are just too far out there. He doesn't know where they came from. He was like, 'Who the hell is she, me?'
Yeah, Toyota has had a rough month. But President Obama predicted that they will bounce back from the crisis. Didn't he say the same thing about Tiger Woods?
Michelle Obama said that childhood obesity impacts national security because obesity is a common disqualifier for military service. That's great info for moms. 'Honey, you have two choices. You can eat that doughnut and play video games or you can eat this salad and go to Iraq. So, it's up to you. You sure you want to have the doughnut?'
From Craig Ferguson:
Happy Presidents' Day, everybody. On Presidents' Day, we celebrate America's presidential history by enjoying a great deal on mattresses.
I think it was President Kennedy who said, 'Ask not what you can do for your country, ask what you can do to get quality goods at discount prices.'
Do you know there is a Congressional candidate from Missouri who is saying that allowing gays into the military could strengthen Al Qaeda? I'm thinking, how exactly would that work? 'They dance better than me, and they know how to accessorize. I'm very, very angry. It's time for jihad.'
A park is opening in London with a playground for old people. It sounds great until the merry-go-round goes so fast, grandpa's dentures fly off.
See Cartoons by Cartoon by Dario Castillejos - Courtesy of Politicalcartoons.com - Email this Cartoon
Late Night Sarah Palin Hand Jokes - this woman is never going to live this down... Everyone from the late-night comedians to White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs is mocking Sarah Palin over her hand notes.
"I wrote a few things down... eggs, milk and bread," Gibbs said at a press briefing. "But I crossed out bread, just so I can make pancakes for Ethan if it snows. And then I wrote down 'hope and change,' just in case I forgot."
White House Press Secretary Gibbs taking a stab at the Palin hand notes:
More Sarah Palin cheat sheet hand jokes:
As long as she's writing reminders on her hand may I suggest one more: buy condoms. - comedian Bill Maher, in a Tweet
Maybe Sarah Palin would be smarter if she had bigger hands. - Jimmy Kimmel
On Saturday, Sarah Palin looked at notes written on her hand during a speech at the Tea Party Convention in Tennessee. Isn't that wild? Oddly enough, she was reading, 'Hi, I'm Sarah Palin.' - Jimmy Fallon
We learned last weekend that Sarah Palin writes notes on her hand when she's giving speeches. You can see the notes right there on her hand. The first one is, 'Hitch up the dogsled' - 'buy Chapstick' - 'clean rifle.' - David Letterman
Sarah Palin's also getting criticized because last week she demanded that Obama's chief of staff, Rahm Emanuel, step down because he used the word retarded. But then, Rush Limbaugh did the same thing on his radio show and that, she said, was O.K. Unfortunately, she's been unable to respond to the criticism because she's wearing mittens. - Jimmy Kimmel
Of course, the best are from folks having fun photoshopping Sarah Palin's hand with all kinds of funny messages:
*** You should be all fired up now to get through your work week! :)
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42 Funny Cartoons: Olympics, Obama, Obstructionists, Obesity and You - 20 Feb 2010
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