01 February 2010

Roundup of Late Night Funnies 1 Feb 2010

From Denny: Now that the New Orleans Saints football team is suddenly doing well - we have only been waiting 40 years - and going to the Super Bowl it turns out the NFL thinks they can can cash in and actually trademark the saying, "Who dat?" You have got to be kidding me! That saying is so old my grandfather had his first set of teeth.

Remember Hurricane Katrina? Who could forget? Well, I live in south Louisiana in the capital city of Baton Rouge. When Katrina struck it wasn't long before New Orleans folks evacuated and came rolling into my city like a fierce storm of locust brothers. They drained dry every gas station within 20 miles of my house and they raided all the grocery stores, taking three weeks for them to get re-supplied.

(Did I mention the U. S. Army was stationed about two miles down the road from my area of middle class neighborhoods? It was a bit creepy knowing the military was camped near your house; it felt like we were almost under martial law. That's as close as they could get to New Orleans to set up supply stations - an hour away drive time, that's how messed up were the interstate roads.)

Then New Orleans folks swelled the population of this city overnight to double. Did I mention New Orleans folks do not know how to drive or drive courteously? They caused so many accidents there were not enough police to cover them, no kidding. They were like madmen on the road. So, what did Baton Rouge folks nickname the New Orleans evacuees? Yep, you guessed it: Who Dat?

Every time I turned around for months later I knew when a Baton Rouge person passed me in a store because they were muttering under their breath, "The Who Dats, they're everywhere!"

The "Who Dat?" saying goes back to the 9th ward of New Orleans. Guess what, NFL, you have no right to it. What lives in New Orleans, belongs to New Orleans.

Stepping off my cultural soapbox... :)

The late night show guys were talking about President Obama's State of the Union address. You know, President Bush did such an effective job of ticking off everyone across the country - because he bungled his term - that now no one has any confidence in government.

It's a steep climb for Obama. Maybe we all should have voted for a throw away presidency like Ralph Nadar? He would have come in like a storm-trooper, stomped the Republicans into the ground, thrown the crooks in jail and tarred and feathered all the lobbyists, running them out of town. It sure would have been easier for Obama to then be his follow-up act as Mister Nice Guy after that presidency. Everybody would have cooperated! :)

About the State of the Union Address

From Jimmy Kimmel:

Well, tonight in Washington, President Barack Obama gave his State of the Union address before a joint session of Congress. Joint session sounds like more fun than it is.

The speech tonight was pretty much the same thing we hear over and over again, asking us for patience and a willingness to sacrifice, things we are totally unwilling to do as Americans.

But then after the president spoke, the Republicans gave their rebuttal, during which they pointed out that Obama has repeatedly failed to solve any of the problems they created under President Bush.
Neither one of these parties cares as much about the country as they do about being the one who gets to run the country. It's a big waste, and it's a big waste of air time that could be better spent on celebrities ice skating or conveyor belts of love, things like that.

On other matters from Jimmy Kimmel:

The Supreme Court today ruled in a five votes to four decision that corporations can now spend as much as they want on political campaigns. In other words, if Exxon or Dow wants to support a candidate, they can give him or her as much money as they want. I can’t see that having any negative repercussions, can you?

The court ruled that corporations should be given the same right to free speech as people, which is — I mean, corporations are not people, and if they were people, they’d be real jerks.

I just want to mention, if anybody wants to pay me $45 million to go home, I'll go. I'll walk home. To Brooklyn. I'm just putting that out there. That's a lot of money. I hear Haiti is trying to figure out how to get fired by NBC.

NBC has reached an agreement with Conan O'Brien. He's going to get $32 million and his staff will split up $12 million. Which I would cash those checks immediately. They're saying that if, putting 30 doesn't work, the plan is to close NBC down and turn it into a Costco.

Jon Stewart comments upon Obama taking on naughty bankers, Wall Street responds to Obama's threats and George Bush takes credit for the economic recovery:

The Daily Show With Jon StewartMon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Obama Takes On Bankers
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From Jay Leno:

Tomorrow night, President Obama will give his State of the Union address. The White House says the speech will focus on American jobs. So, I guess he's going to talk a lot about India.

Focus on jobs. This is going to be the shortest speech in history. 'Hey, there aren't any. Thank you. Good night.'

President Obama has now been called for jury duty in Chicago. I think he should go. I mean, the economy is in bad shape. We could use five bucks a day. Every little bit helps.

Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger announced that California can save money by no longer incarcerating illegal immigrants and just sending them to Mexico instead. Well, actually, today, the immigrants had three words for Schwarzenegger — 'I'll be back.'

More problems for Goldman Sachs. Did you know the tax rate it paid on its profits last year was 0.6 percent? And of course, the CEO of Goldman Sachs was furious when he heard this. He said: 'What? When did we start paying taxes? This is ridiculous.'

Wal-Mart announced it's cutting over 11,000 jobs. Wal-Mart said it's cheaper to fire people in bulk.

That's an amazing amount of people: 11,000 jobs. The problem is they made the announcement in English, so everybody kept showing up for work.

On other subjects from Jay Leno:

And learning more and more about the new Massachusetts senator, Scott Brown. Well, you probably know this. Back in 1982, he posed naked for Cosmo. Yeah, isn't that amazing? He's got it backwards. First you get elected to the Senate, then you get caught with your pants down. It's the other way. He seems to be very confused.

Well, this is kind of embarrassing. At a speech to school kids in an elementary school in Virginia, President Obama used the teleprompter. He had a teleprompter set up to talk to the kids. The topic of the speech: Never taking the easy way out by bringing a cheat sheet to school.

Congratulations to the Indianapolis Colts and the New Orleans Saints. They're going to the Super Bowl. The Saints beat the Vikings. Former President George Bush Sr., he was at the game. Now, his son George W. was invited. But you know him, when it comes to New Orleans, he's always, like, two weeks late.

From Conan O'Brien as he left NBC:

I did it my way, with people I love, and I do not regret a second. I've had more good fortune than anyone I know, and if our next gig is doing a show in a 7-Eleven parking lot, we'll find a way to make it fun. As I set off for exciting new career opportunities, I just want to make one thing clear to everyone listening out there: I will do nudity.

An Inconvenient Trial - wondering if trying Khalid Sheikh Mohammed in New York is worth the inconvenience it will cause. Aw, come on, when it comes to terrorism America doesn't want to bother to catch Osama bin Laden; he's too much fun to chase. Besides, it's more fun to take down all his lieutenants, forcing him to start all over again on a new psychopath employment agency. We like to keep our enemies on the run, looking over their shoulder and make them work harder than they ever thought possible. Who thought staying alive would be such a hard job?

The Daily Show With Jon StewartMon - Thurs 11p / 10c
An Inconvenient Trial
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From the villain Valdamort the Blow Hard who needs to pay a visit to the Wizard of Oz and shop for a new heart:

We've already donated to Haiti. It's called the U.S. income tax. - Rush Limbaugh, discouraging donations to relief efforts in Haiti after the devastating earthquake, Jan. 13, 2010

Here's a guy who missed his calling and should have written for TV soap operas or Harlequin Books because he has such a flare for the melodramatic:

The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians. - Evangelist Pat Robertson (who has got to be suffering from dementia)

Why has this guy not been arrested for making death threats?

I'm thinking about killing Michael Moore, and I'm wondering if I could kill him myself, or if I would need to hire somebody to do it. ... No, I think I could. I think he could be looking me in the eye, you know, and I could just be choking the life out. - Glenn Beck

Uh... what'd you say?

African-American is a bogus, PC, made-up term. I mean, that's not a race. Your ancestry is from Africa and now you live in America. — Glenn Beck, on his radio show, Jan. 7, 2010

Finally, a speck of truth:

You know, we all have our inner demons. I, for one — I can't speak for you, but I'm on the verge of moral collapse at any time. It can happen by the end of the show. — Glenn Beck, Nov. 6, 2006

He didn't really say this... did he?

We need to uptick our image with everyone, including one-armed midgets. - Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele, on the GOP's need for a hip-hop makeover, Feb 19, 2009

From David Letterman about the Conan vs. Jay fight at NBC:

They're having the auto show in Detroit. They've got a lot of concept vehicles. They have something they're calling the NBC concept car. Are you familiar with this? You push a button or throw a switch or something and the wheels come off.

People are saying tonight is Conan O'Brien's final night. So, it looks like I knocked off another competitor.

You know, you've got to love Jay. Jay is like a whack-a-mole. You think you've cancelled him and then he pops up in another time period.

*** ALSO for more laughs:

Funny Quotes From Curmudgeons: These Guys Need to Lighten Up!

15 Wild Cartoons on Prez Obamas 1st Year in Office

Its Official: Folks Bring Back Thiefing Republicans, Hand Senate Seat to Them

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