From Denny: Never, never, never go off line for almost 10 days. Trust me; you will regret it. :) While changing over internet providers, lots of funny news and jokes just kept piling up. So, here I am with an avalanche of humor collected from the past three weeks just for you to enjoy. Knock yourselves out and laugh to your heart's content at the amusing comedic observations. I always say that comedians make the best, most outrageous and truthful social commentators!
Funny Videos Featured:
Funny Video: Stewart Mocks Gov. Jan Brewer Fiasco, Wonders Why Dems Are Lame - One of the best political critics around, Jon Stewart wonders why the Democrats just can't seem to win against inept lying Republicans.
Funny Video: Letterman Teases Obama For Frequent Vacations - Irreverent comic Letterman chides both Tiger Woods and Prez Obama for their ideas of relaxation.
Funny Video: Jon Stewart Mocks Florida Pastor Behind Planned Koran Bonfire - Comic Jon Stewart wasted no time in analyzing the Burn a Koran Day incident that had the entire world in an uproar from every religious corner.
Funny Video: Letterman and Olbermann Laugh at Republican 2012 Contenders - and Beck - Letterman and Olbermann suggest unlikely crazy Republican possibilities for the 2012 Presidential season.
Funny Video: Colbert Mocks Beck On His Restore Honor Rally - Only Colbert has the truthful tongue to whiplash Glenn Beck's bizarre arrogance with just the right touch of comedic art and campy irreverence.
From Jay Leno:
U.S. commanders in Afghanistan are ending their zero-tolerance policy on corruption and allowing local officials who are on our side to be 'moderately' corrupt. It's the same policy we have in Congress.
Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer stopped speaking during an interview and stared blankly at the camera for 30 seconds. The good news is, she's now eligible to be governor of Alaska.
President Obama will be laying out a new economic plan. Apparently, we had an old economic plan.
Hillary Clinton opened the Middle East peace talks and said, "People with a history of conflict can learn to live together.' And believe me, she knows what she's talking about.
A teacher has been jailed for six months for assigning her students masturbation as homework. What is happening to our education system? Remember when teachers cared enough to have sex with students personally.
President Obama is now trying for peace in the Middle East using a two state solution. I believe the two states are denial and delusion.
Last night in only his second Oval Office address, President Obama announced the end of Operational Iraqi Freedom. He said we have given the Iraqis a Western-style government. Well, we certainly have, haven't we? Their economy is in shambles, their Congress is corrupt, the country is broke, welcome aboard!
Before President Obama's address, he called former President George W. Bush. I'm not saying the economy is bad, but he called collect.
I guess they had a pretty cordial conversation. President Bush said for the last 19 months, he's been relaxing and playing golf. President Obama said, 'You too?'
President Obama said that too many Americans are struggling to find jobs. You know what these Americans are going to be called? Democrats.
President Obama was in New Orleans for the fifth anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. Halfway through his speech, FEMA finally showed up.
President Obama said he can't walk around with his birth certificate plastered on his forehead. Apparently he was reacting to new polls that show 1 in 5 Kenyans now believe he was born in Hawaii.
Congress is very upset with Roger Clemens because they feel like they were lied to. Good! Now they know how we feel.
According to government auditors, the stimulus money is being held up because there aren't enough government workers to oversee the spending. So follow me, in other words, government workers who aren't there are needed to spend money we don't have to create jobs that don't exist.
The Atlantic had a big article on the inevitability of Israel going to war with Iran over building nuclear weapons. But he White House thinks that strong economic sanctions will bring them to their knees, raise unemployment, and cause their factories to close – the same way those economic sanctions worked right here.
President Obama was in Cleveland pitching his latest economic plan. He picked Cleveland because those are the Browns fans, and in September, they'll believe anything.
There was one awkward moment when the speech ended at lunch time. 9.6 percent of the people had no job to go back to.
President Obama has introduced a $50 billion plan to rebuild the nation's infrastructure. Now, let's think back, remember the first $187 billion stimulus package, wasn't that what that was supposed to do? Remember when we were told about what were called shovel-ready jobs? Whenever Washington talks about shovel-ready jobs, get your shovel ready.
U.S. commanders in Afghanistan are ending their zero-tolerance policy on corruption and allowing local officials who are on our side to be 'moderately' corrupt. It's the same policy we have in Congress.
Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer stopped speaking during an interview and stared blankly at the camera for 30 seconds. The good news is, she's now eligible to be governor of Alaska.
President Obama will be laying out a new economic plan. Apparently, we had an old economic plan.
Hillary Clinton opened the Middle East peace talks and said, "People with a history of conflict can learn to live together.' And believe me, she knows what she's talking about.
A teacher has been jailed for six months for assigning her students masturbation as homework. What is happening to our education system? Remember when teachers cared enough to have sex with students personally.
From Jimmy Fallon:
It's rumored that White House gatecrasher Michaele Salahi is going to pose nude in Playboy. Salahi said her main motivation for posing in Playboy is the fact that no one's invited her to.
At the White House yesterday, President Obama told Israelis and Palestinians to reach a peace deal because they might not get another chance soon. That's not really a peace plan. That's how you get a 5-year-old to use the bathroom.
According to a new poll, Levi Johnston now has lower approval ratings than John Edwards. Levy said he is disappointed with his low approval ratings and will do everything he can to knock them up.
Merriam-Webster says that Sarah Palin's made-up word 'refudiate' was the most searched word of the summer. But no matter how hard they tried, Palin's supporters couldn't find the word in the Definitionary or the Wordasaurus.
It's rumored that White House gatecrasher Michaele Salahi is going to pose nude in Playboy. Salahi said her main motivation for posing in Playboy is the fact that no one's invited her to.
From David Letterman:
Mayor Bloomberg may join President Obama's administration. If he does, it will cost about $3 million. They'll have to lower every door knob in the place.
Hillary Clinton is denying rumors that she will replace Joe Biden as the Vice President in 2012. It's fun to have a Clinton denying stuff again.
David Letterman's "Top Ten Things Never Before Said In An Oval Office Address"
10. "Gotta keep this short because I'm going on another vacation."
9. "Watch how fast I can spin in my chair . . . Wee!"
8. "Who wants Justin Bieber tickets?"
7. "Tonight's Oval Office address has been brought to you by Jimmy Dean Pure Pork Sausages."
6. "Kneel before General Zod!"
5. "Now I'd like to share a poignant story about Frank Sinatra"
4. "Earlier today I met with Vice President, Secretary of State, and Late Show audio technician Tom Herrmann."
3. "CAA sent over lunch. There are steaks and sandwiches in the conference room."
2. "Just back from a pleasure trip — took my mother-in-law to the airport. Hiyo!"
1. "Just like most of America, I'd rather be watching 'Glee'"
President Obama is on vacation. This is his sixth vacation. He’ll have plenty of time for vacation when his one term is up.
They're vacationing at the beach. He's down there with Snooki, Jwoww, the The Situation.
President Obama could not wait to get on vacation. As soon as the plane landed, he grabbed a couple beers and slid down the emergency slide.
Mayor Bloomberg may join President Obama's administration. If he does, it will cost about $3 million. They'll have to lower every door knob in the place.
President Obama gave a big speech on the economy on Labor Day. He saw his shadow, so we'll have six more weeks of recession.
From Craig Ferguson:
The first ads for medical marijuana have started airing on television in California. The ads are quite expensive. It costs a lot of money to buy 30 seconds during 'Spongebob Squarepants.'
The Department of Labor has launched a new website to help unemployed Americans. President Obama said the website is amazing and he can't wait to check it out in a few years.
The guy that tried to destroy David Letterman was let out of prison today. I was like, 'Really? Jay Leno was in prison?'
I just got back from vacation. I went on vacation the same time as President Obama. We both had to get away from it all and not do anything of significance. And now we are back and still not doing anything of significance.
President Obama is trying to back the Republicans into a corner by paying for tax cuts for small businesses with tax hikes on big business. It's like that old trick when you take two balls and throw one in the air to distract your opponent and throw the other one right at his chest. That's right, I can explain abstract fiscal policy using analogies about balls. Tomorrow night we will discuss trickle-down economics.
I'm not a political expert, but I think going after the rich is a good idea in an election year, or any other year for that matter. Because let's face it, rich people are bastards. Even rich people would agree with that. They're like, 'It's true, now hand me another golden sausage.'
So far rich people have been very quiet about the possibility of getting taxes raised on them, but that doesn't mean they won't get mad about it, it just means they don't know about it. Because it takes a while for bad news to reach a rich person. First their accountant has to tell the butler, who has to tell the servant, who wouldn't dare interrupt their game of croquet.
The new taxes are going to put rich people in a very tough spot. Paris Hilton may have to carry her own cocaine. Trump may have to fire the guy who trims that thing on his head. Warren Buffet may have to move in with his cousin Jimmy Buffet.
The first ads for medical marijuana have started airing on television in California. The ads are quite expensive. It costs a lot of money to buy 30 seconds during 'Spongebob Squarepants.'
From Jimmy Kimmel:
Rodney King has announced that he will marry one of the jurors from the trial that awarded him millions of dollars from the city of Los Angeles. If Judge Ito doesn't preside over this, there's something wrong with this town.
Florida Pastor Terry Jones originally planned to burn the Koran tomorrow, then yesterday he called it off because he believed he made a deal with an Imam to stop the plan to build a Mosque near Ground Zero. The Imam said that wasn’t true, he agreed to no such thing. Then Pastor Jones said he was lied to and the burning was back on. This guy is unbelievable. He’s like the Brett Favre of burning books.
Rodney King has announced that he will marry one of the jurors from the trial that awarded him millions of dollars from the city of Los Angeles. If Judge Ito doesn't preside over this, there's something wrong with this town.
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