13 April 2010

Roundup of Late Night Comedy 13 Apr 2010

From Denny: The late night comics were out in full force this week having a great time lampooning just about everyone and everything. Tiny Fey, of Saturday Nite Live (SNL), took up her hair and makeup costume to play Sarah Palin again for some great laughs. Tina decided it was time for Sarah Palin to pitch her Sarah Palin Network. As she describes the shows it will have you laughing till your sides hurt.

She even included my state's unpopular-with-everyone Governor Bobby Jindal. Hey, don't look at me. I didn't vote for the guy in that off-year election when about only 5,000 people showed up at the polls besides me. (To be fair I think it was about 20,000 out of one million voters available.) Mine was probably the only "Hell, No!" vote. My fellow Democrats just didn't get it to get out and vote as if it were an "on" year for the Presidential election. Nothing like talking to deaf ears. They have no one to blame but themselves for hospitals closing, corruption in state government, missing or "redirected" public funds, stolen elections and the like.

Back to the comics mocking the comical in our lives... Come to think of it they really should do more SNL skits about Louisiana politics. These guys are real life and still so ridiculously strange it's perfect fodder for the comedians.

Jon Stewart pulled together a string of ultra Republican "news" clips of "preparing to go into bloody battle" against the Democrats over the next Supreme Court nomination since Justice Stevens is retiring this summer. It really does boggle the mind to see just how much time and effort the toxic politics guys put into making sure their followers remain brainwashed into believing the impossible and the ridiculous. Speaking of that, over on Dennys Global Politics, there is a story about just how much Glenn Beck makes - millions - and his comments about his followers. You may want to check out that story:

Worlds Nuke Security, Attacking Glenn Beck, Unsafe Meats, More Nuke Plants in America, Boy Scouts Penalized 4 Abuse - News Headlines 13 Apr 2010

And then there is the Tiger Woods' comeback to the press limelight and the golfing season... Funny stuff all around from President Obama and the political news, they are still talking about the iPad to Krazy Karzai, nukes - who gets them and who gets them taken away - being a comic is the life of the ultimate social commentator. :)

Also, this is tax season, so enjoy these funnies to keep up your good attitude! And you didn't even have to stay up late and miss your beauty rest. How great is that? Come back next week for more grins to get you through your work week... now on with the show!

From David Letterman:

The government says the economy is bouncing back. So now we can go back to making cars nobody wants. That will be good.

People were standing in line around the block all weekend to get an iPad. Out in Arizona, John McCain was waiting in line for an IBM Selectric.

And they've been talking about the iPad for months, maybe years. I'm telling you, it took longer for the iPad to come out than it did Ricky Martin.

Experts believe the iPad will revolutionize the way people procrastinate.

Letterman's Top 10 Thoughts That Go Through Every Accountant's Mind On April 15:

10. 'If I see one more tax return, I'm gonna jam a No. 2 pencil through my eye'
9. 'I think my calculator is talking to me'
8. 'If I screw up, they go to jail, not me'
7. 'Why didn't I become something exciting like a claims adjuster?'
6. 'Should I wear the navy blue suit or the navy blue suit?'
5. 'Get through today and then a 364-day weekend'
4. 'Who knew the bright-eyed little boy I once was would grow into such a bitter man with a soul crushing job'
3. 'Time to fake my death and move to the Cayman Islands'
2. 'Why did I waste time doing a stupid Top Ten at Letterman?'
1. 'This would be a lot easier if I was sober'

You know what happened in Las Vegas today? Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska, was speaking at the alcohol convention in Las Vegas, Nev. Because, I mean, let's face it, nothing says family values like gambling and liquor.

Oh, you know what they do every Monday after Easter at the White House? They have the hunt, on the White House lawn. And they canceled it this year. You know why? I was stunned. I didn't know about this. Last year a couple of kids accidentally stumbled into Dick Cheney's underground torture chamber.

Hey, here's another deal going on over at the Jacob Javitz Center. It's the annual New York City Auto Show. I like the new tiny cars. Like the gas-saving, the tiny little semi-hybrid electric things with the fewer seats. You know, they have fewer seats, just like the Democrats after November, fewer seats.

Jon Stewart lampoons the Republicans over their drumbeat to create yet another toxic partisan battle - this time about spending the entire summer embroiled in rallying the Tea Party ground troops to scream and rant about who might be chosen to join the Supreme Court now that Justice Stevens is retiring. It is amazing how much time and constant effort the Republicans put into brainwashing their followers:

The Daily Show With Jon StewartMon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Old Man Retires
Daily Show Full EpisodesPolitical HumorTea Party

From Jay Leno:

In Afghanistan, President Hamid Karzai is mad at the United States. We said his government is riddled with bribes, corruption, and pay-offs. I guess they're trying to pass healthcare over there too.

According to the Pentagon, al-Qaida has been so weakened financially that they're turning to crimes like drugs, prostitution, and adjustable-rate mortgages.

Well, according to the Pentagon, Al Qaeda is in financial ruin. You know why they're broke? Health insurance premiums.

Well, the big news is Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens is retiring. I mean, this won't affect as many Americans as when Paula left 'American Idol,' but it's still a big deal.

Tiger Woods said he would try to keep his emotions under control, but after a bad swing, he used the F-word. Who does he think he is — vice president of the United States?"

In a speech, the chairman of the Republican National Committee, Michael Steele, said 'I am the first here to admit I've made mistakes.' Then the stripper giving him a lap-dance said it will still be 20 bucks.

Iranian President Mahmoud I'm-a-nut-job has called President Obama a big bully. You know, when you're 5 feet 2 inches, you think everybody's a big bully.

He threatened to punch President Obama right in the knee.

Sarah Palin's daughter is speaking out. In an interview, Bristol says she realizes she was totally unprepared to be a mother. Hey, it's better than being a mother that's totally unprepared to be vice president.

KFC coming out with their new Double Down sandwich. It's bacon and cheese wrapped inside two pieces of fried chicken. In fact, today, Al Qaeda said: 'We quit. When it comes to killing Americans, we can't keep up with you guys.'

China has canceled a series of Bob Dylan concerts because they say his lyrics are too politically charged. Really? They understand his lyrics? That's unbelievable. Maybe that's why we didn't understand them. He's been singing in Chinese all these years.

Well, earlier this week, President Obama kicked off the baseball season by throwing out the ceremonial first pitch. They said President Bush did a better job throwing out the first pitch. But on the other hand, President Obama can talk.

Next week, the president of China will be at the White House. And good news — he has no plans to foreclose.

Well, give you an idea how important this visit is from the Chinese president, I understand Joe Biden is busy learning some Chinese curse words.

And in a major reversal of U.S. policy, President Obama has narrowed the conditions under which we would use nuclear weapons. He said we'd only use them against Iran, North Korea or Fox News.

Sunday was the big White House Easter egg hunt. Of course, the Catholic priests didn't have time to hide eggs, they were too busy hiding each other.

As you know, the Roman Catholic Church continues to be rocked by this sex abuse crisis. In fact, they're thinking of changing their name to the Roman Polanski Catholic Church.

President Obama has come out with a new policy for using nuclear weapons. In a related story, Joe Biden said he would try not to drop the F-bomb so often.

The FAA announced that they are going to allow airline pilots to take anti-depressants. So now, if your pilot is drunk, at least he'll be a happy drunk.

Well, the Labor Department reported that the economy added 162,000 jobs last month, all of them bodyguards for Tiger Woods.

You know, 30,000 people showed up for the annual Easter Egg Roll at the White House today. Or as Fox News calls it, a 'socialist free food giveaway.'

Well, yesterday, a 7.2 earthquake hit southwest of Tijuana. They say the earthquake was felt by 20 million Mexicans, and that was just here in L.A.

Well, here's some good news. The United States and Russia have signed a historic nuclear weapons treaty. Apparently, Russia is getting a little nervous. They heard we had successfully mounted a warhead on a Toyota Prius.

And a man in Punxsutawney, Pa., last week was charged with public drunkenness after cops caught him giving mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to a flattened, roadkill opossum. Look, I know Obama's health care is supposed to include everybody. But look, this is crazy. It's too much.

The IRS says it's been getting death threats since the health care bill passed because the IRS is going to be the ones in charge of implementing it. They say the threats people are making to the IRS are so bad, that they are actually hindering the IRS's ability to threaten people.

And last week, Sarah Palin gave a speech in Nevada, where she criticized President Barack Obama for being a constitutional law professor. The problem with that statement is Sarah Palin thinks that's an insult. Only in America, you want to insult someone, call them a teacher.

Well, earlier today, President Obama threw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals' home opener against the Philadelphia Phillies. And then Vice President Joe Biden was thrown out for cursing at the umpire.

Actually, President Obama didn't actually throw the ball. He got it to the catcher's mitt through a series of back-door dealings.

Saturday Nite Live's Tina Fey on her latest lampooning of Sarah Palin. She even includes my state's very own - nationally and locally - despised Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal, the-do nothing-for-the-state-Republican-governor-who-is-too-busy-traveling-around-the-world-to-get-campaign-money-for-the-presidential-election-in-2012-and-closing-needed-hospitals-to-look-good-to-greedy-conservatives-and-stingy-wealthy-campaign-donors:

From Jimmy Kimmel:

I watched so much golf this weekend. Tiger finished in 4th place, which means he only won $330,000, which is barely enough to pay his text messaging bill.

Tiger's obviously under a lot of stress. It's very difficult to play when you have a padlock on your underpants.

Conan O'Brien announced today that he will move his show to TBS. Later in the day, Jay Leno announced that he will also move his show to TBS.

I watched golf today. It's boring. There was no sex at all, just a bunch of middle-aged white guys and one guilty-looking black guy walking around.

Tiger Woods returned to golf today. President Obama and Russian President Medvedev signed the necessary documents and just like that, relations have been normalized.

Bristol Palin is continuing her campaign about teen pregnancy. It's funny that she's going around telling kids not to get pregnant when her mom is telling people, 'Drill, baby, drill.'

Bristol was a pregnant teen herself. She named her baby 'Tripp,' with two p's, which is reason enough for teens not to have kids.

John McCain told Newsweek that he doesn't really consider himself a 'maverick.' What kind of man would call himself a maverick for years and then suddenly say he doesn't think of himself as a maverick? I'll tell you what kind — a maverick.

The iPad has only been out for a few days and it has revolutionized the publishing industry. You can download books, you can read them and store them, and for religious fundamentalists, there's a new app that lets you burn them.

President and Mrs. Obama hosted the annual White House Easter Egg Roll today. Dozens of children gathered on the White House lawn to roll eggs toward a finish line while the president cheered them on and Republicans tried to block them.

As you probably know, Michelle Obama's pet project is raising awareness of childhood obesity, so they didn't just roll eggs this year. They rolled a few fat kids to make an example of them.

Then later this afternoon, the president threw out the first pitch at the season opener for the Washington Nationals. You know, baseball has started again. The last time the president threw out a first pitch was at the All-Star Game last year, which was notable, mostly because he was wearing his famous mom jeans when he did it.

Wisely, the president decided to donate those lady pants to the Smithsonian. And today, he sported a pair of gray slacks. The pants were better, but the pitch wasn't. That was more like a free throw than a pitch. Maybe his pitching power was stored in that pair of mom jeans, and now, like Samson without his pony tail, his strength is gone.

From Craig Ferguson:

President Obama signed a historic treaty with the Russian president today. Not everyone's happy about it. Fox News said it was a 'summit between a powerful communist leader and the president of Russia.'

The treaty is about reducing the number of nuclear weapons we have pointed at each other. I thought we were friends with the Russians but we've really been 'frienemies' this whole time.

When I went to Moscow, I saw the tomb of Lenin. They keep his body preserved in a glass coffin. It's waxy, it's falling apart — it's like Joan Rivers after a Brazilian.

It was announced today that Conan O'Brien has a new talk show on TBS and a lot of people are asking how it will affect this show. It will not — people that watch this show cannot afford basic cable.

KFC restaurants have unveiled the 'Double Down,' which is two slabs of fried chicken with bacon in the middle. Why not — we all have free health insurance.

From Jimmy Fallon:

Michelle Obama held a town hall meeting on C-SPAN to answer questions from kids about her anti-obesity campaign. The most popular question from kids was, 'Why are you doing this to us, lady?'

Today, President Obama threw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals' game. Obama took a short windup and threw a high-arcing pitch. Of course, Democrats saw the pitch as moderately close to the middle, while Republicans are calling it 'way to the left and possibly socialist.'

Listen to this, a prominent Filipino businessman quit his job at a major university after admitting that he made a speech plagiarizing Barack Obama, Oprah Winfrey, and J.K. Rowling. People got suspicious after he opened with the line, 'Look under your seats, muggles, because everyone is going home with a free hope and change!'

Under President Obama's new airport security plan, anyone traveling to the U.S. will be stopped if they match the description of a potential terrorist. Wait, we weren't doing this already?

Last night, President Obama gave a speech at the Boston Opera House. It was a long night, because you know what they say about the opera: 'It ain't over until the fat lady gets lectured on her eating habits by Michelle Obama.'

And this is interesting. President Obama unveiled a new gas mileage program that he says is like taking 58 million cars off the road for an entire year. Or as Toyota calls it, 'business as usual.'

More car news. Ford is teaming up with Microsoft to create an all electric car called the Microsoft Hohm. That's smart, because if there's one company that knows how to avoid crashes, it's Microsoft.

A lawmaker in Israel has proposed a popcorn law that would limit high prices of popcorn at the movies. Finally, solving Israel's biggest problem, high popcorn prices.

There's a rumor going around that Hillary Clinton could be Obama's choice for the next Supreme Court justice. That's a lifetime appointment that would take up all of her time, or as Bill Clinton calls it, 'She'll take it.'

Some more news out of Washington. Vice President Joe Biden hosted a big lunch today with foreign leaders at the Naval Observatory. Unfortunately, he spent the entire time asking everyone to observe his navel.

I just heard that CNN is hoping to spice up the show 'Anderson Cooper 360″ by adding a live audience. After that, they're hoping to spice up 'Larry King Live' by adding a live Larry King.

Barry Bonds said he is 'proud' of Mark McGwire for returning to baseball. And it really means a lot coming from Bonds — it's like Tiger Woods getting a high five at the Masters from Jesse James.

*** Check out this story to boggle your mind:

Worlds Nuke Security, Attacking Glenn Beck, Unsafe Meats, More Nuke Plants in America, Boy Scouts Penalized 4 Abuse - News Headlines 13 Apr 2010

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