15 March 2010

Funny Late Night Comedy Roundup - 15 Mar 2010

From Denny: Looks like the main lampooning on the late night shows was blasting Congressman Massa and his very bizarre meltdown. Right behind that is the foot-dragging and organizationally challenged Dems on the health care bill.

I say we clear the deck entirely and start over. Kick out all the men and put Speaker Pelosi in charge of ramrodding the Senate. She pushed through 290 bills in the House to Senate Majority Leader Reid's goose egg zero. At this rate, if President Obama does not get serious and take the reins he might get pushed aside. Will someone who is serious about leading please stand up and do the job? Enough already.

At this rate, these comics are beginning to look like capable political leaders. Maybe that's why it was so easy for Senator Al Franken to get elected. As a former comic he was more serious than Congress.

Three funny videos are included in today's post: always cheeky Colbert and his observations of how the Republican strategists like to rename things to appear more threatening, Jon Stewart challenging sissy Fox News and Seinfeld "Really?!" joking about Massa.

Enjoy the comedy roundup and remember Saint Patrick's Day this week. Hoist a Guinness pint to Ireland!

From David Letterman:

We had a lousy audience last night. You couldn't tell if they were laughing at the jokes or if they were being tickled by New York Congressman Massa.

He admits to groping, fondling, and tickling. And I'm thinking, well, why isn't this guy governor of New York?

Massa goes on the Glenn Beck show and he says that he was having a birthday party tickling his staff. And he said one guy couldn't breathe, he was tickling him so hard. And then Dick Cheney said, 'Well, we should have done that at Gitmo.'

So now this Congressman Eric Massa is claiming that he was bullied in a gym by Rahm Emanuel. The President's guy is bullying him in a gym, naked. And I know you are thinking to yourselves, 'Well gee, thanks a lot, Dave, for searing that image into our brains because that's something we'll carry for a long time right there.'

He admits to groping, fondling, and tickling. And I'm thinking, well, why isn't this guy governor of New York?

Barbie's birthday. Did you know that? And if you don't know Barbie let me just tell you. She is the pretty, plastic doll who didn't run with John McCain.

The Daily Show With Jon StewartMon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Health Care: The Ultimate Last Final Push
Daily Show
Full Episodes
Political HumorHealth Care Reform

Former President Bush, George W. Bush, is now writing a book about his eight years in the White House. And it's green. It's entirely made out of old Al Gore ballots. So that will be a keepsake for you there.

A lot of anticipation about the new book that George Bush is writing. But don't worry, it'll also be available in English.

Former New York congressman Eric Massa admitted to tickling a staffer until he couldn't breathe. Dick Dick Cheney said, 'We should have tried that at Gitmo.'

David Letterman's Top Ten Questions Rod Blagojevich Asked Himself Before Appearing On 'Celebrity Apprentice'

10. 'Can I get paid in shampoo?'
9. 'Would I rather stay unemployed than work for Trump?'
8. 'Should I bring my attorney?'
7. 'Do I have anything better to do?'
6. 'Is there any chance NBC will replace me with Leno?'
5. 'Can I get paid in conditioner?'
4. 'Haven't I been through enough?'
3. 'How about my own show, 'The Haircut Ref?''
2. 'How come I'm not a governor and Paterson is?'
1. 'Will my hair get along with Trump's hair?'

In the morning here at CBS, they have 'The Early Show.' Tomorrow on 'The Early Show,' host Harry Smith is having a live colonoscopy. I know what you're thinking: Finally, real breakfast fun. Here we go. Bring it on. Welcome to the Obama health care plan, ladies and gentlemen. That's how it's going to work.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad now says that 9/11, the attacks on the United States on 9/11, were fabricated. Like his re-election.

He says the whole thing was an elaborate hoax. I'm skeptical. I think I'll wait to see what Kim Jong-il says.

But the guy seriously is nuts. He also denies that Conan O'Brien ever hosted 'The Tonight Show.'

Now this year, the Academy Awards had a salute to horror films. Did you see that? That was remarkable. They even had footage of Vice President Dick Cheney in his torture chamber.

John McCain does not watch the Academy Awards. And you know why? Well, he doesn't care for the talkies.

George W. Bush is writing a book about his eight years in the White House. I can't wait. I want to get it. I'm going to take it with me to the beach this summer. And it will be good to hold down the blankets.

Going to be a big, thick book, which is great because you can put it on the floor, step up to reach a better book.

George W. Bush is proud of this. He says the book will be written in his own words. I was thinking, well, that's too bad. If it was written in our words, we could understand it.

Colbert challenges the Republicans on their use of "words":

The Colbert ReportMon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
The Word - Define & Conquer
Colbert Report Full EpisodesPolitical HumorHealth Care reform

From Jay Leno:

A new poll out today shows that 22 percent of voters strongly approve of the job President Obama is doing, 43 percent strongly disapprove of the job he's doing, and the other 35 percent are holding off judgment until he actually does something.

According to USA Today, corruption among government officials in China is running rampant. Yet another idea they stole from us.

I'm sure you heard the First Lady talk about this. Childhood obesity at an all-time high here in America. Give you an idea how bad it is, when children are filling out a form now, next to hometown, 83 percent of the kids write 'buffet.'

The big rumor is Tiger Woods is getting ready to return to golf. Tiger has hired Ari Fleischer, George Bush's former press secretary, to handle the press for him. I guess Ari Fleischer figures after years of trying to explain George W. Bush, this should be a piece of cake.

New York congressman Eric Massa has resigned his post this week after allegations that he groped his male staff. If it's not Charlie Rangel trying to get into your wallet, it's Eric Massa trying to get in your pants.

Massa was on Glenn Beck and he showed a book of graphic photos of things sailors did for fun when at sea. The book was so graphic, they couldn't show them on the air. Now if you're trying to convince people you're not gay, you probably shouldn't show your big book of naked sailors.

Rush Limbaugh says if health care reform passes, he's going to leave the country and move to Costa Rica. Hey, you know what that means, right? That means one less overweight smoker the rest of us don't have to pay for.

Health care passes, Rush Limbaugh leaving. Or as President Obama calls that, a 'win-win.'

Earlier today, the president of Haiti was at the White House to meet with President Obama. He said the people of his country need jobs, they need places to live, and they need health care. And then the president of Haiti spoke.

Well, big changes announced today for the next Indianapolis 500. All the cars will be Toyota Priuses.

As you know, the Toyota Prius is a hybrid — half gas engine, half runaway racehorse.

President Obama has signed a bill to increase tourism to the United States. Tourism is way down, which is surprising. You'd think people from foreign countries would want to come here to see where their American jobs originated.

Democratic Majority Leader Harry Reid is in trouble again for saying it's really good news that America only lost 36,000 jobs in February. Well, think how happy he'll be when November comes and he loses his job.

And I love this. Radio host Rush Limbaugh says he will leave the United States if health care reform passes. Well, if that doesn't get the Democrats to rally, nothing will.

I see I'm not the only one who thought Israel peed all over America and the Middle East Peace process last week:

Record ratings for the Oscars last night. Kathryn Bigelow won best director for her film about the Iraq war. But in her speech, she forgot to thank the two people without whom this film could never have been made — Bush and Cheney.

As you know, this year, they expanded the best picture category to include 10 films. In fact, even the death montage — they expanded that to include President Obama's health care plan. Did you notice that?

Hey, how about this? President Obama had a meeting at the White House with Jay-Z and Beyoncé. And, in fact, they hit it off so well, Jay-Z gave the president his own rap name, 'Biggie Deficit.'

And I love this story. Just four days after being arrested on a drunken driving charge while leaving a gay bar with a man, State Senator Roy Ashburn of California, who is married and one of these antigay guys — very antigay, votes against every gay thing — and now he is gay. He said he finally realized it last night, while watching the big dance number during the Oscars.

And in an interview in Time magazine, former Gov. Eliot Spitzer of New York — I love this — he said that having sex with hookers is not nearly as bad as having an affair. Guys, let me tell you something. Don't try this excuse at home, O.K. Eliot Spitzer is a politician. He is a trained professional liar. You will get killed!

As you may have heard, the House has passed a $15 billion jobs bill. That's the good news. The bad news? All those new jobs, fixing Toyotas.

Just two days after being told by his doctors to cut down on his cholesterol, President Obama visited a restaurant in Savannah, Georgia, where he ate a meal which included fried chicken, sweet potatoes, macaroni and cheese, cream corn, biscuits, corn bread, barbecue pork, and blueberry pudding. That's why he's in favor of healthcare. He's going to need it.

This week, President Obama talked to Congress about healthcare. He said, 'Just get it done.' See, that's when you know things are bad, okay? When the President of the United States is quoting Larry the Cable Guy. 'Git 'er done!'

Former President Bush announced today he is writing a book on how he made decisions while in the White House. The book will be divided into the two chapters, 'Heads' and 'Tails.'

New York Governor David Paterson under investigation for accepting free Yankee tickets to the World Series last fall. If found guilty, could be sentenced to free Mets tickets.

And because of the bad economy, the state of Maine says its sales of lobsters have dropped dramatically. In fact, the price of lobster is so low, for the first time ever if you go into Red Lobster restaurant, you can actually get lobster now.

And the messy weird news from politician Massa just keeps on giving to the comics:

From Jimmy Fallon:

Yesterday, Michelle Obama and Hillary Clinton were at an event and Michelle said that she almost referred to Hillary as 'President Clinton' by mistake. And then Hillary was like, 'Ha-ha-ha. Seriously, though, would you?'

Massa just keeps getting into more and more trouble. One of Massa's former shipmates in the Navy says that he used to give his subordinates massages. And he called them 'Massa massages', which is why the Navy's policy toward Massa was 'don't ask because it's pretty obvious, isn't it?'

It turns out Eric Massa was living in a house in D.C. with a bunch of young single male staffers. Massa described the house as 'just a bunch of guys doing guy stuff', while the male staffers described it as a 'den of awkwardness.'

Karl Rove's memoir, 'Courage and Consequence', is the best-selling book on Amazon.com. The book costs $19.99, and comes with free shipping and mishandling.

Just a word of warning tonight — anybody in the audience who refuses to laugh will be tickled by former congressman Eric Massa.

Yesterday, the White House said that it wants to pass the health care bill by March 18, or March 19. But at the very, very latest, March 21. Unless they have to wait until March 23, in which case they'll definitely want to pass it by April 6. Or April 8. Definitely by April 10. The 6th through the 10th, or possibly April 12 is a possibility. April 12, 2025, will definitely be the date. If not then, 2027. And if that doesn't come to fruition then, it's going to cut it off at 2040. So there you go. So, we'll have the health care bill by 2040, hopefully.

Last week, it was in the 20s, and yesterday it got up to 59 degrees. Crazy. I had to keep changing my outfit and my position on global warming.

Yesterday, President Obama hosted the Alabama Crimson Tide football team at the White House. At one point, the quarterback threw a football to Obama, which was the first time during his presidency that anything's gotten passed.

Yesterday, in San Diego, a man called the police when the accelerator on his Prius got stuck and made his car go 90 miles an hour. Luckily, the man was able to stop his car when he ran into another Toyota going in the opposite direction.

Everyone watch the Oscars last night? Big night for 'The Hurt Locker', which of course is a film about the war in Iraq, which, I guess explains why Obama called the director and was like, 'How did you end it?'

President Obama's been really busy, you guys. He's making his final push on health care reform. Yesterday, Obama warned that insurance companies will continue to drop people's coverage when they need it. Or as iPhone users call that, 'The AT&T option.'

This is cool. President Obama is going to hold a major space conference to unveil an ambitious new plan for NASA. Obama called it 'one small step for man, one giant distraction from health care, two wars, and the recession.'

At Obama's space conference, he plans to tell the world that he wants to put a man on Mars. The man he wants to put there — Joe Biden.

From Jimmy Kimmel:

Tiger Woods is reportedly ready to return to golf, possibly in two weeks in Orlando. According to The New York Post, Tiger's hired former President Bush's press secretary, Ari Fleischer to help with his PR campaign. Is that the guy you want in charge of your approval rating? I'd hire Clinton's guy. That's the one with some experience in that particular area.

Former Democratic congressman Erica Massa is all over the news; he resigned on Monday amid allegations that he groped staff workers, but then claimed he was being forced out over his healthcare vote. Glenn Beck had him on his show the other night. Now, out-crazying Glenn Beck is no small task.

Sure, we've all had tickle fights with our male coworkers, we've all played 'Kill the old guy.' In fact, Dick Cheney used to play it with a gun.

If you're wondering why we don't have healthcare, it's because there's too much tickling in Congress.

It's been a rough year for Toyota. They've launched a big PR campaign to assure customers that their cars are OK to drive, which is an important quality in a car.

Toyota says they're standing beside their vehicles — because that's the only safe place to stand.

From Craig Ferguson:

There are rumors that the Obama administration may ban fishing in lakes. Fox News is saying 'Obama wages jihad on fisherman,' and NPR says 'Obama protects aquatic unicorns,' and I don't know who to believe.

Rush Limbaugh says if the healthcare bill passes, he will leave the country. The Democrats are upset, because if they knew that, they would have passed the bill years ago.

On 'The Early Show' tomorrow morning, Harry Smith will receive the first live TV colonoscopy. CBS is very excited; they're already planning the spinoff show, 'How I Met Your Rectum.'

The network hopes that the live colonoscopy will get good ratings, so to boost their chances, the procedure will be performed by the cast of 'CSI.'

Sarah Palin is getting her own reality show. It's going to be called 'So You Think You Can See Russia?'

*** ALSO - Funny News: Italys World Slow Day

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