01 March 2010

Dick Cheney Fakes Heart Attacks, Glenn Beck Lies on Stage, CPAC Hate Mongering, Colorado Gunslingers - Funny Roundup of Late Night Comedy 1 March 2010

From Denny: The weirdest news yesterday was that students in Colorado are upset about not being able to carry concealed weapons to class any more because the university is trying to outlaw it. Who the hell let them do this in the first place? The State legislature made it legal to carry concealed weapons. Who said all the rednecks live in the South? What rednecks? All the real rednecks have been breeding out of control in Colorado? Glad I don't go to university out there in that crazy state.

At least around here in south Louisiana the only reason people keep guns are to hunt swamp rats - called nutria and actually taste pretty good and they are in the process of marketing the critters nationally - and hunt rabbits, deer, ducks and squirrel - and shoot the occasional stupid poisonous snake that slithers into the house and into the baby's crib. The Cajun motto here is if it moves, slithers or crawls it can be dinner on the table. Hmmm... might have to add politicians to that hunting list. Well, at least we don't hunt people like they like to do in Colorado. I wouldn't put anything past the Louisiana State legislature for brain dead stupid legislation. Usually, they prefer to line their pockets while literally building bridges to nowhere: the famous Sunshine Bridge. It sure is pretty.

Can you imagine if the greatest fear of the Colorado students out West was a crazed gunman comes onto campus, shooting randomly - and then in retaliation the entire student body pulls out their weapons and shoot back? Everyone would be dead. How do you like that scenario? People with no police or military training whatsoever carrying around concealed guns. Yeah, that's smart.

I could maybe deal with it if these students were required to pass sanity and police training tests every three months. Hey, I've got an idea: How about we call up Prez Obama to release some of that stimulus money to send the entire state of Colorado to Special Forces schooling? Then they will be so well trained in weapons we can ship them off to Iraq! Sounds like a plan. I hear the troops could use a holiday back home.

OK, stepping off my soapbox... That news story yesterday sure did blindside me.

On to the late night show funnies. With the Olympics still in full swing Colbert didn't miss a beat and found plenty to lampoon. Included here is one of his grins. He has plenty of Olympic themed videos, so knock yourself out. :)

Speaking of lampooning, Jon Stewart had a field day going after the bizarre antics of the Republican Party at their conservative hate-mongering CPAC convention, the Health Summit That Never Was and quoting Glenn Beck's supposedly philosophical yet terribly shallow nonsense thinking. Read that as "he got paid big bucks to tell lies on stage" to keep the faithful following the GOP.

And then there's Dick Cheney providing gossip fodder for the masses... Has anyone else wondered if he's having fake heart attacks? Isn't it interesting how every time he gets ugly, lies about the President on stage and to the TV cameras, suddenly he has a heart attack? There's big news coverage about his "condition" - but of course, don't you know, "it was really nothing serious" and "he's resting comfortably at home" - all before Obama has a chance to respond? Sure looks calculated and manipulative to me from where I'm sitting in my living room. How many times does Cheney pull the health card until the media grows some a backbone to call him on it? Meanwhile, he's laughing in his warped sleeve.





From Craig Ferguson:

It's a great day for former Vice President Dick Cheney, who was released from the hospital today. He's doing well. Doctors say he'll be up and shooting lawyers in no time.

About a third of the members of Congress are on Twitter. Now we know why nothing is getting done.

There’s a new member of Twitter: the Dalai Lama. I think he just did it to make China mad. Everything he does annoys China, it’s like he’s Ellen DeGeneres and China is Simon Cowell.

I disagreed with Cheney about a lot of things, but when he shot that lawyer in the face — you took my heart, Dick.

Do you know why it is a good day today? I'll tell you why. Because the new credit card regulations start today. That's good news if you have credit card debt, like me. I racked up 50 grand on bedazzlers.

But starting today, the credit card companies have to scale back their evil ways. They can't raise or increase rates whenever they want. That's great news, because Americans owe $874 billion to credit card companies. To be fair, most of that is Mel Gibson's bar tab.

I don't keep many credit cards because I'm worried someone might steal my identity. Yeah, right. Like anyone would want my identity. After two days, they'd beg me to take it back.

Credit card companies make most of their profits from loaning money to people who they know can't pay it back. That's why credit card companies are evil. They're like a cross between Satan and divorce lawyers.

Credit card companies have been good for one group, of course. The mafia. When you need to borrow money, the mob seems like a better deal. 'You don't pay me back, I break both your legs.' 'Is that all? Fine.'

The Tiger Woods press conference was earlier today, and I was riveted by that. I think the most interesting part was when he apologized to the 'mistress in your region.'





Funny Jon Stewart's take on Prez Obama's Health Care Summit. Explains the practice of "reconciliation" in the Senate for moving votes along. Stewart Skewers GOP For Deeming Health Care Summit A "Setup":


The Daily Show With Jon StewartMon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Summit's Eve
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From Jimmy Kimmel:

Former Vice President Dick Cheney was released from the hospital today after being treated for a mild heart attack, his fifth heart attack. Next one's free.

Something weird happened in the hospital. When they were putting the electrodes on him for the EKG, he suddenly started screaming, 'Stop! I'll tell you everything you want to know!'

Doctors have sent him home with strict instructions not to watch 'Keeping Up With the Kardashians' anymore.

Today, Congress held more hearings with the executives of Toyota. Akio Toyoda, the president of the company and great-grandson of the company founder, came in from Japan to testify. This is a big deal, because this guy is a notoriously private person. He rarely checks his Facebook account. He's very private.

He came to apologize, and I think he even offered to kill himself with a sword.

Yesterday, Oprah's entire set was made of chocolate. See, this is what happens when Oprah gets high.

More than 100,000 free condoms have been distributed in the Olympic Village...Because if there's one thing we don't want, it's the best athletes in the world getting together and producing more.

It was a fun day for the head of Toyota U.S.A. today. He had to appear in front of Congress to be yelled at by men who don't do anything.

I have to say, it was actually refreshing to see a car company C.E.O. appear before Congress and not ask for $10 billion.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney was rushed to the hospital in Washington, D.C., yesterday with chest pains. Doctors say he — oh. Let's just move on. We're not going to top that.

Tiger was adamant that his wife Elin never hit him with a golf club. I guess his Escalade fell down the stairs.

It was a fun day for the head of Toyota U.S.A. today. He had to appear in front of Congress to be yelled at by men who don't do anything. I have to say, it was actually refreshing to see a car company CEO appear before Congress and not ask for $10 billion.

President Obama met with the Dalai Lama today, despite strong objections from the Chinese government. They've even threatened to stop sending us poisonous toys.

President Obama hosted a bipartisan healthcare summit yesterday. They met for a little more than six hours which, coincidentally, happens to be the average wait time at the emergency room, if you're bleeding.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney was released from the hospital today after being treated for a mild heart attack, his fifth heart attack. Next one's free.





Colbert is his usual irreverent self and gossips up the Cold War on Ice between the whining cry baby Russian versus the classy American who took a whole country's ire on the chin gracefully. Let me see if I understand this correctly: an American wins the gold and the Russians throw a temper tantrum because they wanted the gold.

Learn from America what America learned from you, Russia, during the Cold War era: Invest in your athletes and shell out the money to develop them. Don't blame America for what you were too cheap to invest. There was a time when Russia dominated the winter sports and that time was when Russia had a standard of excellence and invested in it. That time has passed by because of a lack of national interest.

Skip blaming everyone else for your rage and bring it home to where it belongs: on Russia's doorstep. Really, Mr. Putin, I expected better personal discipline from you. What a childish act of peeing on the gold medalist's stand by the silver medal holder skipping about the dais. He should have been disqualified for "stupid is as stupid does." He was outskated and out coached. Get over it. Gee, "do ya think?" I have an opinion about that incident? :)



The Colbert ReportMon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Cold War Update - Olympic Edition
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From Bill Maher:

We're finding out a lot about Joe Stack. That's right, Joe the Suicide Bomber, the guy who flew the plane into the IRS office building in Texas. Boy, I knew teabaggers were mad, I didn't know they had an air force.

And now the authorities are trying to determine whether this is a terrorist attack, or just a tragic accident caused by Kevin Smith's fat a$$.

Over at the White House, President Obama met with the Dalai Lama. One akward moment when Rahm Emanuel stuck his head in the room and said, 'Who's the retard in the blanket?'

The Winter Olympics, apparently a big thing for a lot of people, and America has won the most medals. The only sport I really get into is snowboarding because that's the only sport where they perform a half pipe just after smoking a full pipe.

About the two political parties sitting down together to try and reach bi-partisanship for the TV cameras at the Health Care Summit: President Obama met with the Republicans for seven hours. And he was very patient with them. He praised them when it was appropriate, he was gently critical when necessary. It was like watching a really good special ed teacher.

Being politicians, they all got to sharing their personal stories. Obama talked about his mother's battle with cancer. Harry Reid talked about a kid with a cleft palate. And John McCain told how he once carried a brain dead woman through an entire campaign.

Over at the White House, President Obama met with the Dalai Lama. One akward moment when Rahm Emanuel stuck his head in the room and said, 'Who's the retard in the blanket?'

At the end of all of this, Obama says he doesn't think that he can reach a deal with the Republicans. You're just figuring that out now? I keep telling you, Barry, they're not that into you. Obama's like a guy in college who spends a whole year, wasting it, trying to hit on Ellen DeGeneres (a public lesbian - for those living outside America - she is a comedian who also has a successful TV show).

Balloons dropped because Dick Cheney had his millionth heart attack. And who came by yesterday to cheer him up? The 'Angel of Duh' himself, George Bush. They sat together, and Bush said he had spent the last year working on his book. I swear. Hard to believe Bush has a book. But if you buy Cheney has a heart...





From David Letterman:

You're watching CBS, home of the 1998 Winter Olympics.

Dick Cheney loves snowboarding. He thinks it's waterboarding, but colder.

Dick Cheney and Joe Biden are having a feud. It's because Biden removed Cheney's dungeon at the White House.

David Letterman's Top Ten Signs You're Not Going To Win An Olympic Gold Medal

10. You're allergic to snow
9. Fired a gun during your event but it's not the biathlon
8. Your neck is too fat to hang a medal on
7. You get winded saying "slalom"
6. Nobody can find any record of your home nation "Funkytown"
5. Only experience skating on ice is in your marriage (you fellas know what I'm talking about)
4. You're having a hard time putting your pants on over your skis
3. Skipped practice to see "Valentine's Day" — The Philadelphia Inquirer calls it an all-star candy sampler. Buy your tickets today!
2. Southwest Airlines kicked you off a flight to Vancouver because you're too fat
1. You haven't been off the couch since the '06 Winter Games





Jon Stewart lampoons CPAC for the Republicans as the conservatives weirdest answer to Woodstock while not high on recreational drugs. That's a bit scary. These guys are making nonsense declarations sober and straight. Be afraid; be very afraid...



The Daily Show With Jon StewartMon - Thurs 11p / 10c
CPAC 2010 - Rage Within the Machine
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And fresh from the mouth of the right wing entertainer nutjob, Glenn Beck: Progressivism is evil, very evil. Taxes are bad for you. Of course, taxes pay for the roads of how business people send their goods to market. Taxes pay for those public libraries and museums you so enjoy. Jon Stewart's arch nemesis is Glenn Beck and he loves to take apart the bizarre declarations of he and his "witty" friends.



The Daily Show With Jon StewartMon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Rage Within the Machine - Progressivism
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Political HumorHealth Care Reform





Top 10 Jokes About Health Care Reform

1. The health care bill was introduced yesterday. It's 1,990 pages long and costs $894 billion dollars. Or $2.2 million per word. That makes them the most expensive words to come out of Washington since 'Mission Accomplished.'- Jimmy Fallon

2. If conservatives get to call universal healthcare 'socialized medicine,' I get to call private, for-profit healthcare 'soulless, vampire bastards making money off human pain.' - Bill Maher

3. Not such a great day for the health care reform. The so-called public option died on the Senate floor today. It could have survived, but apparently it had a pre-existing condition. - Craig Ferguson

4. President Obama says he will not support a health-care plan where the government gets to decide whether to, quote, 'pull the plug on Grandma.' Apparently, Obama's plan calls for the much quicker pillow option. - Conan O'Brien

5. Barack Obama has been working hard to push his healthcare proposal. Obama still wants the bill to be bipartisan, but he's a realist, and given the near unanimous Republican opposition he's facing, now says he'd be satisfied if the bill was just bicurious. - Jimmy Kimmel

6. The health care bill was introduced yesterday. It's 1,990 pages long and costs $894 billion dollars. Or $2.2 million per word. That makes them the most expensive words to come out of Washington since 'Mission Accomplished.' - Jimmy Fallon

7. If conservatives get to call universal healthcare 'socialized medicine,' I get to call private, for-profit healthcare 'soulless, vampire bastards making money off human pain.' - Bill Maher

8. Not such a great day for the health care reform. The so-called public option died on the Senate floor today. It could have survived, but apparently it had a pre-existing condition. – Craig Ferguson

9. President Obama says he will not support a health-care plan where the government gets to decide whether to, quote, 'pull the plug on Grandma.' Apparently, Obama's plan calls for the much quicker pillow option. - Conan O'Brien

10. Barack Obama has been working hard to push his healthcare proposal. Obama still wants the bill to be bipartisan, but he's a realist, and given the near unanimous Republican opposition he's facing, now says he'd be satisfied if the bill was just bicurious. - Jimmy Kimmel

6. The health care overhaul will extend coverage to 30 million people who are uninsured, or, as Walmart calls them, employees. – Jimmy Fallon

7. Congressman John Boehner told a crowd of protesters yesterday that the new health care bill was the 'greatest threat to freedom he's ever seen.' And then the Taliban was like, 'Uh, helloooo? What?!' – Jimmy Fallon

8. To win passage for this health-care bill, President Obama went up to Capitol Hill and personally lobbied some of the wavering congressmen. And of course, the health insurance industry, they were very upset. You know, they said they bought and paid for these congressmen, he has no right to go up to them and talk to them. – Jay Leno

9. You know what is worse than being sick and not having health insurance? Having to sit through the Lieberman filibuster that kept it from you. – Jon Stewart

10. The big news was the Senate yesterday - the finance committee - rejected the Democrats' health-care plan, the one with the public option. Meanwhile, the Republicans are offering their own health-care plan. It's called, 'Stop Crying and Take an Advil.' - Jimmy Fallon





These two quizzes are just too funny! I took both of them as the answer choices were all hilarious. One of the funniest tests I ever enjoyed. OK, so I like to mess with quiz results - and I had fun creating the political equivalent of becoming a two-sided conflicted Gemini. Read that as the tests can be manipulated to result as a devotee of either side:


10 Questions to Determine Your Political Identity

Democrat Loyalty Quiz

Republican Loyalty Quiz



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