Funny Brain Quotes - Cheeky Quote Day - 28 July 2010

*** Enjoy some funny brain quotes, funny jokes about brain power, funny brain photos and interesting real facts about our amazing brains!




From Denny: I had a lot of fun putting together this post. The things you learn while writing... :)


Quotes


The human brain starts working the moment you are born and never stops until you stand up to speak in public. — George Jessel

I believe in an open mind, but not so open that your brains fall out. — Arthur Hays Sulzberger

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. — Robin Williams

Knowledge fills a large brain; it merely inflates a small one. - Sydney Harris

God gave women intuition and femininity. Used properly, the combination easily jumbles the brain of any man I've ever met. — Farrah Fawcett

If little else, the brain is an educational toy. - Tom Robbins

Books: the children of the brain. - Jonathan Swift




Sculpture outside a psychiatrist's office - psych joke?


I am a Bear of Very Little Brain, and long words bother me. — Pooh (A. A. Milne), from Winnie-the-Pooh

The way I see it... If you need both of your hands for whatever it is you're doing, then your brain should probably be in on it too. — Ellen DeGeneres, on cell phones and driving

Brain: An apparatus with which we think we think. — Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

Aristotle was famous for knowing everything. He taught that the brain exists merely to cool the blood and is not involved in the process of thinking. This is true only of certain persons. — Will Cuppy





Estimated amount of glucose used by an adult human brain each day, expressed in M&Ms: 250 — Harper's Index

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this. — Emo Phillips

I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it. — Groucho Marx

Homer Simpson: "How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home wine making course, and I forgot how to drive? - From The Simpsons

From The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show

Bullwinkle: "You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the outfit."

General: "What does that make you?"

Bullwinkle: "What else? An executive..."

Arthur Weasley: "Never trust anything that can think for itself if you can't see where it keeps its brain. - From Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets

Cliff Clavin: "Interesting little article here. It says that the average human being only uses 17% of his brain. Boy, you realize what that means? We don't use a full, uh... 64%. - From Cheers

Roz Doyle: "And as for my hangover, it was worth it. I partied my ass off like a brain-damaged test monkey! - From Frasier

Michael Scott: This website is the brainchild of my brainchild, Ryan. It is my brain-grandchild. - From The Office

The Ultimate Brain Teaser: If one in every four Americans has some form of mental illness, then think of your three best friends. If they're okay, than its you. - Anonymous






Some Brain Facts

It is not possible to tickle yourself. The cerebellum, a part of the brain, warns the rest of the brain that you are about to tickle yourself. Since your brain knows this, it ignores the resulting sensation.

The human brain has about 100,000,000,000 (100 billion) neurons. That's about 166 times the number of people on the planet.
Number of neurons in octopus brain = 300 million
Number of neurons in honey bee brain = 950,000

From all the oxygen that a human breathes, twenty percent goes to the brain.

Your brain uses approximately 20% of the total oxygen pumping around your body and about 750 ml of blood pumps through your brain every minute.

Unconsciousness will occur after 8-10 seconds after loss of blood supply to the brain.

Your brain consists of 60 percent white matter and 40 percent gray matter.

People who ride on roller coasters have a higher chance of having a blood clot in the brain.

Your brain is 75 percent water.

Your brain is move active and thinks more at night than during the day.

Information travels at different speeds within different types of neurons. Transmission can be as slow as 0.5 meters/sec or as fast as 120 meters/sec. Traveling at 120 meters/sec is the same as going 268 miles/hour.

The weight of an average human brain is about 1300-1400g - @ 3lbs i.e., almost one bag of sugar and about the size of a cantaloupe and wrinkled like a walnut.

The brain feels like a ripe avocado and looks pink because of the blood flowing through it.

Think positive because when you do, you’ll keep the doctor away: Studies show that 50-70% of visits to the doctor for physical ailments can be traced to psychological reasons.

Eat well, and it’ll have positive effects on your brain, because a study of one million New York students showed that those who ate lunches without additives such as artificial flavours, preservatives and dyes performed 14% better in IQ tests.
That being said, your brain is the most fatty organ in your body.

Your brain generates 25 watts of power while you're awake - enough to illuminate a light bulb.

A newborn baby's brain grows almost 3 times in course of first year.

Humans have the most complex brain of any animal on earth.

Your brain is divided into two sides. The left side of your brain controls the right side of your body; and, the right side of your brain controls the left side of your body.

Toxins in commonplace items such as carpeting and shower curtains may be contributing to memory loss over time?

Overexposure to aluminum compounds—in foil, cookware, deodorants, antacids, toothpaste—can affect brain function.

Lavender can help you sleep.

A cooked potato can jump-start your brain when you're feeling foggy.

The essential oil of jasmine can quickly restore mental alertness.

Eating foods rich in vitamin E, beta-carotene, and vitamin C may help lower your risk of Alzheimer's disease.

Certain prescription and nonprescription drugs may dramatically affect your ability to concentrate.

The number of internal thought pathways that your brain is capable of producing is: one followed by 10.5 million kilometers of standard typewritten zero's.

Your skin weighs twice as much as your brain.

Your cerebral cortex is about as thick as a tongue depressor. It grows thicker as you learn and use it.

The world record for time without sleep is 264 hours (11 days) by Randy Gardner in 1965







Funny Brain Jokes


"He who laughs last, thinks slowest."

An old couple was watching TV one evening, and the husband got up to go to the kitchen. His wife told him to get her some iced tea, and knowing that the years had taken their toll on his memory, she told him to write it down.

"I can remember iced tea," he protested.

"But I want sugar in my tea too," she told him, "so write it down."

He told her he could remember iced tea with sugar.

"I want a slice of lemon too." she said, "Just write it down."

He left the room grumbling to himself. A few minutes later he came back with a plate full of mashed potatoes for her.

"Now look what you've done!" she yelled at him, "You forgot my gravy!"




Three Old Men

Three old men were sitting on a park bench comparing notes on the problems of growing old. The first said he couldn't remember the last time he had a good bowel movement. The second one said his problem was more with his bladder and prostate. The third old man laughed and said he must be the lucky one.

"Every morning at seven I pee, and then at eight I have a good dump," he told them. "I just wish I could wake up before nine."




Brain Teaser One-Liners


- On the other hand, you have different fingers.

- He was lost in thought because it was unfamiliar territory.

- Nothing is really foolproof for a sufficiently talented fool.

- The latest poll finds that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

- "Nobody goes where the crowds are any more. It's too crowded." - Yogi Berra

- "Why is it when we talk to God we're praying, but when God talks to us, we're schizophrenic?" - Lily Tomlin

- "I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve it by not dying." - Woody Allen

- He started out with nothing, and he still has most of it.

- It was decided that his sole purpose in life was to serve as a bad example.

- If at first you don't succeed, skydiving may not be for you.

- If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

- Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no?

- Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

- The philosopher was laying in bed one night, looking up at the moon, and he thought to himself, "Where the heck is my ceiling?"

- He doesn't suffer from stress - he's a carrier.

- And if I was getting smart with you, how would you know?

- How can there be self-help "groups"?

- Is there another word for 'synonym'?


*** For more grins be sure to check out this post:

Monday Morning Brain Owners Manual


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Dennys Funny Quotes - humor

Funny Economy Humor - Cheeky Quote Day 21 July 2010

*** Enjoy some late night one-liners poking fun at the economy for the past decade and loads of clever cartoons on the economy too!






From Denny: When I ran into a news story from The Monitor, Recession humor enjoys global boom, I went in search of interesting jokes and humor for today's segment of the Cheeky Quote Day. Hoping it was going to be one fun romp through some funny one-liner jokes, instead it was like cold water slapping me in the face.

Little did I know that I would be strongly reminded of just how long we Americans have been dealing with a chaotic economy, lying politicians, crafty lobbyists and sledgehammering Big Business tactics. It's almost been a decade now. Many of these jokes are being recycled today because they are still true! Even the cartoons span the decade from 2000 to 2009. Unbelievable.

Take a look for yourself to see it's proof positive this recession has been going on since Bush stole the Oval Office the first time: 2001. "The more things change the more they remain the same." It's no wonder Americans hunger for change and are spitting angry they feel cheated by their politicians. All the politicians had better get smart and start moving forward with President Obama or things could really get ugly in the fall election cycle.

One thing is for sure, there are a lot of fantastic cartoons we all might have missed over the years and are here today to amuse and entertain you!

















From Jay Leno:


Some good news for the economy. President Bush went on a month-long vacation.

The federal government announced today that the recession ended back in November of 2001. It ended two years ago! Be sure to pass that on to all your unemployed friends. So you know what that means? The past twenty months of job layoffs, corporate bankruptcies and declining stocks, those were the good times. We should have been living it up.

According to a new study, bad economic times can actually be good for you because people tend to exercise more and eat better. This is not a recession, this is the Bush Health Care Plan.

Did you hear about this today, Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill and top economic advisor Larry Lindsey have resigned, they resigned from the White House economic team? Shocked everybody in Washington, who knew Bush had a White House economic team? ... You know things are bad when Republicans are losing jobs in Washington.

Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neal has resigned. He didn't want to resign, but there wasn't any money left in the treasury so he's got nothing to do.

The FBI has issued a new terrorist warning that al Qadea may be planning a spectacular attack intended to damage our economy. Well I have news for them, they are a little too late. This is where President Bush is smart. Two years ago he did a pre-emptive strike to make sure our economy couldn't be any worse than it is right now.

How much do you think Senators make? They now make $154,700 a year. But they say it will stimulate the economy because eventually that money will trickle down to the liquor stores, the hookers, the brothels ... then it will get back in the community. — Jay Leno, on Congress voting itself a pay raise

President Bush said today that it is our job to vote. That's what he called it, a job. And considering how the way economy is going, that may be the only job we have.

The same week the Bush administration slashed pay raises for all federal workers, they announced they are going to provide bonuses to political appointees who do a good job. You know, that guy who cut everyone else's pay, he gets the bonus.

The Stock Market was down today. Two major businesses declared bankruptcy, consumer spending is at an all time low — in other words, Bush is back on the job.

President Bush hosted something called the President's Economic Forum down in Waco, Texas today. Waco. Apparently Jonestown and Guyana were booked up. When I think of government policy that works, Waco is the place to go. He invited members of small business to the summit. He was going to invite big business, but they're all in jail.

Bush told the attendees (at his economic forum) that he wants to simplify the numbers on Wall Street so that people can understand what they are looking at. Simplify the numbers? We are already looking at single digits!

In a speech yesterday in Milwaukee, President Bush vowed to do whatever it takes to keep the economy strong. In fact he said that if he needs to, he will take vacation for another three months.

There's now speculation in Washington that President Bush is now planning to increase the economic sanctions on Iraq. And let me tell you if they are half as tough as the economic sanctions Bush has imposed on this country, they are screwed.

President Bush is leaving the White House for a vacation. He's taking a month off. Yeah, take a break, you deserve it. But aides say that while on vacation, Bush will continue to make two or three speeches a week to make sure that the market keeps crashing.

Boy, another bad day on Wall Street. Things are getting ugly. Dow Jones is starting to look more like Paula Jones.

Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are now? Wall Street is now being called Wal-Mart Street.

The United States have developed a new weapon that destroys people but it leaves buildings standing. It's called the stock market.

Things do not look good. The economy's gone south, we're at war, people are out of work. In fact, George Bush Sr. picked up the newspaper and thought, 'Hey, I must still be president.'
























From Conan O'Brien:


Yesterday Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan said he would be willing to serve another term. Greenspan said, 'Where else would I get a job in this economy?'

The economy is in big trouble. Yesterday in a big speech, President Bush said the economy was still getting over the hangover from the 90's. And then, the president admitted he was still getting over his hangover from the 80's.
































From Craig Kilborn:


Democrats were quick to point out that President Bush's budget creates a 1 trillion dollar deficit. The White House quickly responded with 'Hey, look over there, it's Saddam Hussein.'

President Bush's economic plan will create 2.5 million new jobs. The bad news, they are all for Iraqi soldiers.





















From Jon Stewart:


I'm watching TV today and it's nothing but 'We're going to war. Imminent war. Blah, blah blah.' But I'm watching the TV and I see that the stock market has gone up 300 points! How is that possible? The economy has been in the pooper for a year and a half. 'Oh, maybe we'll try lowering interest rates, maybe we'll try lowering prices, maybe we'll give a dividend tax cut'. This is what they've been waiting for? 'Oh, we're going to war? I'm in!' Is the head of the Dow Jones Yosemite Sam?

The big story here tonight comes from Washington, D.C. where President Bush announced his new economic plans. The centerpiece was a proposed repeal of the dividends tax on stocks, a boon that could be worth millions of dollars to average Americans. Well, average stock owning Americans. Technically, Americans who own a significant amount of shares in dividend dealing companies. Well, rich people, that's what I'm trying to say. They're going to do really well with this.

Bush advisers have long been worried that a lagging economy could hamper the president's re-election chances. They hope that the Cabinet shake-up will provide a needed jolt. If that doesn't work, North Korea has to go.






















From Tiny Fey:


President Bush unveiled his new economic stimulus plan this week. It was reported that if the plan passes, the president himself would save $44,000 in taxes, Dick Cheney would save $327,000, and you could afford to take the whole family down to Burger King to pick up job applications. on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"



From David Letterman:

Al Gore says President Bush's economic plan has zero chance of working. Now, this raises on important question: Bush has an economic plan?



































Of course, American humorists started these economy jokes as far back as the 1930's during the Great Depression:


How bad is the economy, really?


The economy is so bad that African television stations are showing 'Sponsor an American Child' commercials!

The economy is so bad, a picture is now only worth 200 words.

It's so bad, Snoop Dogg had to start eating regular brownies.

The economy is so bad, I saw the CEO of Wal-Mart shopping at Wal-Mart.

The economy is so bad, I went to my bank the other day and the teller handed me a note saying, "This is a robbery!"

The economy is so bad, George W. Bush appeared in a flight suit and declared economic recovery was complete.

The economy is so bad, Bill Gates had to switch to dial-up.

The economy is so bad, Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

The economy is so bad, Dr. Seuss rose from the grave to write a new book: Green Eggs and Spam.

The economy is so bad that I went to my bank to get a loan, they said, "What a coincidence! That's just what we were going to ask you!"


The economy is so bad, rapper 50 Cent had to change his name to 10 Cent.

The economy is so bad, Barack Obama changed his slogan to "Maybe We Can!"

The economy is so bad, my ATM gave me an IOU!

The economy is so bad that the highest-paying job in town is jury duty.

The economy is so bad I saw a man in Costco buying one roll of toilet paper.

The economy is so bad that I saw a van full of legal immigrants illegally crossing the border to Mexico.

The economy is so bad, I became a Pastafarian hoping that a meatball will appear to me.

The economy is so bad that parents in Bevery Hills are considering raising their own children.

The economy is so bad that even people who aren't in Barack Obama's cabinet aren't paying taxes.

The economy is so bad I saw a polygamist with only one wife.

The economy is so bad that I saw someone using the sun to get a tan!

The economy is so bad that wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.

The economy is so bad, I saw four CEOs playing miniature golf.

The economy is so bad, Hot Wheels stock is trading higher than GM.

The economy is so bad, Obama met with three small businesses to discuss his Stimulus Plan: GM, Pfizer, and Citigroup.

It's so bad, McDonalds is introducing the 1/4-Ouncer.

The economy's so bad, Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

The economy is so bad, mothers in Ethiopia are telling their children, "Finish your meal! Don't you know there are starving children in the US?"

The economy is so bad, that a prostitute asked me if she could borrow $20 until she can get back on her back.

It's so bad, a stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

The economy is so bad, that Martha Stewart did a show on creative uses for food stamps.

The economy is so bad, Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

The economy is so bad, my sister had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

The economy is so bad, that I bought a toaster oven and my free gift with purchase was a bank.

It's so bad, I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

The economy is so bad, hobos in Beverly Hills now have to drink tap water.

The economy is so bad, Barack Obama unveiled his plan to close Guantanamo Bay for good: He's turning it into a bank!

The economy is so bad, that the White House turkey turned down his Thanksgiving pardon - all his wealth was in stocks, and he has nothing to live for.

The economy is so bad, Sarah Palin is only shooting moose for food, not for fun.

It's so bad, I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

The economy is so bad, my niece told me she wants to dress up as a 401-K for Halloween so that she can turn invisible.

The economy is so bad, that instead of a coin toss at the beginning of the Super Bowl, they played "Rock, Paper, Scissors."

The economy is so bad that Roy's tigers are now eating him out of necessity.

The economy is so bad, the Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

It's so bad, they built an Indian reservation on a casino.

The economy is so bad, people are standing behind George Bush wherever he goes hoping for free shoes.

The economy is so bad, Michael Phelps has to share a bong.

The economy is so bad that when Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The economy is so bad, a certain celebutante changed her name to "Paris Holiday Inn."

The economy is so bad, Malia and Sasha Obama started a lemonade stand to raise money for bailouts.

It's so bad, the Lone Ranger sold his silver bullets on Ebay.

The economy is so bad that 7 of 10 houses on Sesame Street are in foreclosure.

The economy is so bad that the only company hiring this week is the one that sends people to scrape bankers off the sidewalk on Wall Street.

It's so bad, they renamed Wall Street "Wal-Mart Street."

The economy is so bad, Angelina had to adopt a highway.


























































Economic Meltdown humor:


What’s the difference between an investment banker and a pigeon?

A pigeon can still make a deposit on a new Ferrari.

With the current market turmoil, what’s the easiest way to make a small fortune?

Start off with a large one.

How many stock brokers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to remove the light bulb and drop it – and the other to sell it before it crashes.

What’s the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza?

A large pizza can still feed a family of four.

Why are all MBAs going back to school?

To ask for their money back.












*** For more humor: Recession Humor: Termination Letter to Employees


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Funny Mothers Day Quotes and Trivia - Cheeky Quote Day 28 Apr 2010

From Denny: So you want to find something interesting about Mothers Day this year? Have I got some trivia for you! I went researching and found all kinds of crazy facts that are absolutely useless but guaranteed to make you the toast of the party when you start spouting off and sounding intelligent to your fellow guests.

Of course, if it's a Mothers Day celebration they just might kick you out... such is the price of being a "know it all." Awww, they are just jealous you know so much trivia! :)

Seriously though, I did find some unusual traditions for celebrating the holiday and thought you might enjoy a chuckle today as I rewrote the dry facts into humorous prose. Raising a toast to all the mothers around the world: Enjoy your Mothers Day!




Check this out on the way to facts about Mothers Day:


So when do they think the first celebrations of a Mother's Day were honored? As with so many traditions it goes back to ancient Greece where that culture celebrated the Mother of the Gods, Rhea. Their version of the perfect mother received gifts of cakes made with the sweetest honey, lovely flowers and drinks at dawn. Sounds pretty good to me. Make my drink a Margarita on the rocks with Silver Patron Tequila - though I'm not so sure alcoholic drinks were on that Mother's Day menu. :)

Well, we all know you can't talk "ancient" without bringing up the ancient Egyptians into the conversation. They honored the glorious goddess Isis because she was celebrated as the Mother of the Pharaohs - and we all know it's good PR to talk good about the government when getting your head cut off is at stake.

Speaking of an ancient culture, the Chinese are rather sentimental about how they celebrate motherhood. The tradition with them is that their family name often begins with the character for the word "mother." It's the way they like to honor their ancestral mothers who brought their line into this world.

So what's happening in the Celtic and Norman part of the world? In the United Kingdom and Ireland they honor mothers with the holiday of Mothering Sunday. They don't celebrate in May like in America. They honor their mothers on the fourth Sunday of Lent, about three weeks before Easter Sunday.

Talk about ancient, how about that woman who is supposed to have mothered the entire human race as stated in the Bible? Yes, Eve. She is world renown in many cultures and titled as Mother of All The Living. Now that's a supreme title, folks!

In the beginning of the tradition to honor women on Mothers Day the day was spent in quiet prayer, contemplation and fond remembrance. But, you know how it is, Big Business just had to get into the act to make a buck - and commercialization of a heart felt holiday was born. So, here we are, now saddled with sappy Hallmark cards, online florists, impersonal restaurant gift cards and cheap gifts made with lead poisoning from China. Oh, well, it's the thought that counts, right?

Here's a cool coincidence: in most languages the word for "mother" almost always begins with an "m." It just goes to show that women really do rule the world. :)

What Buddha had to say about mothers was interesting: "As a mother - even at the risk of her own life - loves and protects her child - so let a man cultivate love without measure: toward the whole world." I read that as "Listen, mister, your mom took really good care of you and you had better appreciate it by showing respect toward others!"

What does the 1997 Guinness Book of Records have in their weirdness archives about mothers? They credit the Russian wife of Fedor Vassilyev as having the most children, 69 to be exact. (By not being named I guess she wanted to remain anonymous.) She had 16 pairs of twins (oh, thank God), seven sets of triplets (another Hallelujah) and an additional four sets of quadruplets (color this one into the Amen corner and collapse). Truly this woman was a woman of fortitude! My first question is: So, how many nannies did you hire? This woman definitely earned her way into Heaven so fast she slid into Heaven Home Base like a pro athlete.

Who has the title of the youngest mother ever recorded? That dubious honor goes to a five year old seven month girl (almost a whopping six year old) who gave birth to a baby boy who weighed in at 6 1/2 pounds. She was from Lima, Peru and the year was 1939. Either someone is joking with us or this little girl had an abnormal growth hormone issue that caused this motherhood before her time. And just how do you explain to your kid when he's older that you really are his mother when you are young enough to be his sister or wife? High creep factor on this one.

Another weirdness factor was a woman prophet known as Mother Shipton (though there is some controversy that she might be fictional or was a female alter ego of a writer). Anyway, moving the story line right along, she lived in Britain over 500 years ago and predicted another Queen Elizabeth would sit on England's throne. Well, let me do the same and predict another Queen Elizabeth will sit on the English throne. Come on, folks, these days the name "Elizabeth" is incredibly popular and common in usage. It's bound to happen again. Just remember you heard it here first! Poets are prophets too... :)

A floral tradition for Mothers Day is the choice of sweet smelling carnations - just not those weird Kool-Aid colors the grocery stores put out because they dyed them by spiking their drinking water. I'm talking about the authentic carnations that come in white or red. You wear white carnations to remember a deceased mother and you wear or give red carnations to the mothers who are living. Now don't be cheeky and insult your mom by mixing up the traditions.

Speaking of cheeky, there is a strange custom in Yugoslavia. Mothers Day there is known as Materitse or Materice - pick your favorite spelling. This is when kids get their revenge on mom. The kids tie up mom until she relents and promises to give them sugary foods and gifts - until then she is held captive. Moral of that story: if you are a strict mother who doesn't let your kids have sweets, well, don't move to Yugoslavia.

Now for some of those famous anonymous funnies...


My Mother Taught Me...


To Value A Job Well Done: If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.

Time Travel: If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!

Logic: Because I said so, that's why.

Foresight: Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.

Irony: Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about.

Osmosis: Shut your mouth and eat your supper.

Stamina: You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.

Weather: This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.

Hypocrisy: If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!

Circle Of Life: I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.

Behavior Modification: Stop acting like your father!

Envy: There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.

Anticipation: Just wait until we get home.

Receiving: You are going to get it when you get home!

Medical Science: If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.

How To Become An Adult: If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.

Genetics: You're just like your father.

Wisdom: When you get to be my age, you'll understand.

Justice: One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.







You Know You Are Really A Mom When...


* You count the number of sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they are equal.

* You want to take out a contract on the kid who broke your child's favorite toy and made them cry.

* You have time to shave only one leg at a time.

* You hide in the bathroom to be alone.

* Your child throws up and you catch it. (Or worse, another mother in the grocery store yells, "Good catch!" in an admiring tone)

* Someone else's kid throws up at a party and you keep eating. (There are some things you just have to steel yourself against - that you are starving because the kids keep you running all the time and this is your only chance to wolf down some food)

* You consider finger paint to be a controlled substance.

* You mastered the art of placing food on a plate without anything touching.

* Your child insists that you read "Once upon a Potty" out loud in the lobby of the doctor's office and you do it.

* You hire a baby sitter because you haven't been out with your husband in ages, then you spend half the night talking about and checking on the kids.

* You hope ketchup is a vegetable because it's the only one your child eats.

* You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into unusual shapes.

* You fast-forward through the scene in the movie when the hunter shoots Bambi's mother.

* You obsess when your child clings to you upon parting during his first month at school, then you obsess when he skips in without looking back.

* You can't bear to give away baby clothes--it's so final.

* You hear your mother's voice coming out of your mouth when you say, "Not in your good clothes."

* You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.

* You read that the average-five-year old asks 437 questions a day and feel proud that your kid is "above average."



*** ALSO more Mothers Day humor that is not to be missed:


Funny Mothers Day Jokes and Cartoon: Parent Poetry

Obnoxious Silly Mother in Law Jokes Just in Time 4 Mothers Day

Very Funny Mothers Day Quotes

Cartoonists Latest Funnies 4 Mothers Day

Mothers Day Quote: The Funny Stages of Motherhood


*** THANKS for visiting, feel welcome to drop a comment or opinion, enjoy bookmarking this post on your favorite social site, a big shout out to awesome current subscribers – and if you are new to this blog, please subscribe in a reader or by email updates!

Related articles

• Love Gift (poemsfromaspiritualheart.blogspot.com)
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Funny Allergy Quotes - Cheeky Quote Day 7 Apr 2010

I love pollen by brookenovak @ flickr



From Denny: Awww, come on, you just knew I was going to go looking for allergy quotes during the height of pollen season! :) I took a look at America's pollen map today and saw some seriously high counts across the nation. It made me feel downright "blessed with less"! Some of these quotes were probably not meant to be funny but somehow they just came out humorous.

Check out the funny allergy and pollen quotes, the hilarious tech support joke, great photos from my fellow photographers over at flickr, pollen season poems by two famous poets and your very own link to a pollen count site. What more could you ask for? :)





check out my full load pollen by OliBac @ flickr



Quotes


* I used to wake up at 4 A.M. and start sneezing, sometimes for five hours. I tried to find out what sort of allergy I had but finally came to the conclusion that it must be an allergy to consciousness. - James Thurber

* The difference between an itch and an allergy is about one hundred bucks. - Anonymous

* Hay fever is the most common allergy in the developed world. Yet, there are some countries in the world where doctors don’t know what hay fever is. - Joel Weinstock

* The immune system didn’t evolve for allergy. Why in a hundred billion years of evolution would we evolve a response for allergy? - Joel Weinstock

* Mold is older than man. A lot of human beings have allergies to molds and some molds are worse than others. You put those two things together and you have a heightened awareness. - Phil Coop

* About 30 percent of the dogs we see here with allergies are allergic to their owners. - William Miller

* We either have to shoot the owner, or we create a special allergy vaccine just for them. - William Miller

* About 20 per cent of the population believe themselves to have a food allergy and only about five per cent actually do. - John Warner




headaches from spring allergies by bark @ flickr


* Genetics plays a big role in allergies. - Shari Gruener (Make sure to thank your parents.)

* As a country becomes more developed, allergy rises and rises. And the notion there is that in the more-developed countries, you may be getting less exposure to infections and germs and other things that may stimulate your immune system in a direction other than allergy, … The more your immune system is kept busy by exposure to germs and infections early in life, the less time it can devote to things like allergy. - Robert Wood

* Well, you potentially could plant a lower allergy garden, but while you’re out there planting it, you will bombarded by oak pollen, maples, grasses. - Keith Phillips





zyrtec allergy meds by me and the sysop @ flickr



* A lot of people are allergic to tree mold - what next, do we limit the number of trees in each yard? - Mary Williams

* There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem? - Phyllis Diller

* What is love but an allergic reaction to the proper lighting! - Scott Thompson

* Frost is a good indicator that there is no pollen left outdoors. - Mike Tringale

* The study found that ragweed grown in an atmosphere with double the current carbon dioxide levels produced 61 percent more pollen than normal. Such a doubling of atmospheric carbon dioxide is expected to occur between 2050 and 2100. - Paul Epstein

* Fall: it’s the leaves, it’s the mold, it’s the pollen. Spring: it’s the grass and the trees. Dust is bad in winter. - Marjorie Crabtree

* In Africa, for example, the immune system is too busy chasing after worms to bother going after house dust mites. - Padraic Fallon

* Asthma doesn’t seem to bother me any more unless I’m around cigars or dogs. The thing that would bother me most would be a dog smoking a cigar. - Steve Allen

* Books are the bees which carry the quickening pollen from one to another mind. - James Russell Lowell




stupid allergies by Cordeyl @ flickr


Oh, and isn't this just wonderful science news about pollen from Science Daily:


* Under human-induced climate change we expect higher wind speeds and more frequent storms will move pollen and seeds even farther from the source.

* The older a tree gets, the more pollen it produces each year.

* Long-distance dispersal of transgenic pine pollen is a potential problem only if that pollen is viable.

* Until then, the highest pine pollen had ever been found in the atmosphere was 1000 feet

* The odd thing is that pollen germination did not decline as distance increased ... You would expect germination to gradually drop off as pollen floats further away, but that's not the case.

* Pine pollen can travel up to 1800 miles in a short amount of time.


OK, everyone, do you get the idea that the plant world just might be mad at humanity and this is their revenge? As it was I ran across a study of growing hay fever plants in a carbon dioxide rich environment that caused the plants to produce 61% more pollen. Supposedly, we cannot blame the sooty air all on car emissions as apparently plants and trees make up 80% of the pollution.

So, this is what humanity can expect, just in time for the 2012 predictions of the end of the world as we know it: Climate change is causing faster winds and more storms to blow pollen our way from the ends of the earth that we have never experienced. Trees on this planet are arriving in old age so they are having a last fling at reproducing themselves with the ladies so they are sending out Viagra moments at an alarming rate. Pine pollen is like a blood hound; it likes to travel ridiculously long distances and arrive on your doorstep.




just how bad are those allergies? by Tommy Klumker @ flickr


A funny from (The Customer Is) Not Always Right where they collect customer service experiences that are hilarious:


Allergy Season Nightmare

Tech Support
Portland, Oregon, USA

Me: “Thank you for calling ***, this is ***, how can I help you?”

Customer: *yelling* “IS THIS TECH SUPPORT?!”

Me: “Yes ma’am, it is. How can I help you?”

Customer: “My internets are broken and I need you to fix it now.”

Me: “OK, what’s your account number?”

Customer: “Ugh. You can’t just see it?”

Me: “No Ma’am, I have to look it up in our database.”

Customer: “S***. Fine, it’s ***.”

Me: “All right, just a moment here while I bring up the info…”

Customer: “Just hurry it up, will you?”

Me: “OK, it’s coming up now…”

Customer: *sneezes*

(About 10 seconds pass in silence. I can hear children talking in the background.)

Customer: “Excuse me…”

(I stay quiet, assuming she’s talking to the children.)

Customer: “EXCUSE ME!”

Me: “Sorry, were you speaking to me?”

Customer: “YES YOU IDIOT! WHAT THE F*** is WRONG with you people?”

Me: “I’m sorry? I’m not sure I understand…”

Customer: “I SNEEZED AND YOU DIDN’T BLESS ME! WHAT ARE YOU, SOME KIND OF ATHEIST?! DON’T YOU REALIZE WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF YOU DON’T BLESS SOMEONE WHEN THEY SNEEZE?”

Me: “Actually, ma’am, I really don’t, but I apol–”

Customer: *interrupting* “YOU’RE A F***ING HEATHEN! I HOPE YOU BURN IN H*** FOR THIS YOU…” *continues screaming*

Me: “Ma’am, I apologize if I’ve offended. I’ve found your account information, and it looks like your service was terminated three months ago.”

Customer: “YES! THAT’S HOW LONG IT’S BEEN DOWN – WHY CAN’T YOU FIX IT?!”

Me: “Because you don’t have an account with us anymore. You were canceled because of non-payment. If you’d like, I can transfer you to billing, and–”

Customer: *unintelligible screaming then hangs up*




field of daisies by globevisions @ flickr


And to send you off relaxed and grinning with a couple of delicious short poems:


Here's a cheeky one:

Bee! I'm expecting you!
Was saying yesterday
To someone you know
That you were due.

The frogs got home last week,
Are settled, and at work;
Birds, mostly back,
The clover warm and thick.

You'll get my letter by
The seventeenth; reply
Or better, be with me,

Yours,

Fly.

- Emily Dickinson




pollen feast by Mr. Ducke @ flickr



To see a world in a grain of sand
And a heaven in a wild flower,
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand
And eternity in an hour.

- William Blake




pollen collector by tanakawho @ flickr


Pollen Count and Forecasts in your area, go here.


*** ALSO: How to Survive Allergy and Pollen Season

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