05 April 2010

Monday Roundup of Late Night Comedy - 5 Apr 2010

From Denny: We're catching up with the April Fools Day and Easter jokes. In foreign policy news: The President Bush puppet, President Karzai of Afghanistan, now a rebel puppet towards President Obama, has bird bombed America recently.

Lots of chatter about the Census choices of racial and ethnic group choices - and plenty of humor about the militias and Tea Party folks writing in their own choices. The Republicans - and their various shocking sex scandals of using political funds to pay for sex escapades - continues to keep on giving to the comics, including funny videos from David Letterman and Jon Stewart to entertain you.

And the Catholic Church and its enablers continue to be tone deaf about the sex abuse, still they don't accept true accountability. The entire Catholic clergy needs to go on a seven-year long extreme fast to tame their bad attitudes and open their hearts to the suffering they have caused and enabled. While they are at it they need to lose the fancy vestments that puff up their egos into thinking they can display the king mentality: "They will get nothing and like it!"

Tiger Woods returns to the professional golf circuit. Did any of you see the news footage of him at practice on the golf course with the gallery in the background? Did anyone wonder why they were so adoring? The word is Woods has hired a public relations firm to rehabilitate his reputation. So... perhaps those people in the gallery were there just for show, playing to the news media that the public doesn't mind Tiger's bizarre antics and everything is just fine now...? Read that as just more fantasy world from Tiger Woods. I wonder how many more "mistresses" will appear just in time to titillate the yellow journalism media when the Masters tournament begins...



From David Letterman:


Census time, ladies and gentlemen. President Obama filled out his Census. I felt bad for the guy. Like he needs another reminder that he lives with his mother-in-law.

Here's a fascinating story. The Republican National Committee got together and said, 'You know, boys, things are going so well for us here lately, let's have a party.' So they said, 'Well, yeah, but we don't want to pay for it.' And they said: 'No. We'll get the Republican National Committee to pay for it — money that we get from donations and contributions. We'll let the folks pay for it.' And everybody said, 'Great, what do we do?' And they said, 'Well, let's go to Los Angeles to a sex club.' And they said, 'Great!' So they end up there at a bondage club in Los Angeles. And I thought that makes perfect sense because Republicans love tying things up: health care, you know; climate control; financial reform.

Now here's a fascinating story. And this kind of thing happens all the time. But every time it happens, we always say, 'Whoa, here we go.' The Republican National Committee had a big party at some kind of a sex club in Los Angeles. They spent $2,000 of campaign donation money on the bill at the sex club in Los Angeles. But the guy who organized the big Republican sex party apologized on the Golf Channel, so that's good.

Pamela Anderson on 'Dancing with the Stars'. You know who else is on 'Dancing with the Stars'? Former astronaut Buzz Aldrin. Pam Anderson and Buzz Aldrin. Honest to God, it looks like a Republican ticket.

David Letterman's Top Ten Republican National Committee Excuses

10. 'We're fat, dumb, rich guys, nuff said?'
9. 'Thought 'SM' door was Sen. McCain's office'
8. 'It wasn't a sex club, just a regular club where grown men tickle each other'
7. 'Scott Brown raved about the place'
6. 'The Sheraton's meeting rooms were already booked'
5. 'I'm sorry, Ricky Martin is gay?'
4. 'Abraham Lincoln routinely spent $2,000 a night in sex clubs'
3. 'We're fat, dumb, rich guys, nuff said?'
2. 'If we can't spend donor money at a sex club, the terrorists have won'
1. 'Research for pending legislation 'No Stripper Left Behind''

Did you hear about this? President Obama, big surprise visit to see the folks in Afghanistan. Did you read all about that? That's kind of exciting. It turns out he was shooting an episode of 'Undercover Boss.'






He met with Afghanistan President Hamid Karzai, but Karzai was late for the meeting. You know why he was late for the meeting? He had transportation trouble. The accelerator on his camel.

This was an important meeting. Both presidents agreed that we have to work to wipe out terror networks. Get rid of terror networks, like Al Qaeda, the Taliban, Fox News.

Obama demanded more accountability. He said we got to have more accountability, we got to have a crackdown on corruption; we have to have a better government. And he said if it works in Afghanistan, we're going to try it back home in the United States.

You know who is out campaigning now again? John McCain and his buddy Sarah Palin. I mean, come on, it worked so well the last time.

Sarah Palin was campaigning in a, you know, a motorcycle jacket. She looks like somebody Jesse James would date.


David Letterman's Top Ten Highlights of President Obama's Trip To Afghanistan


10. The welcoming chants of "Death to America!"
9. Using miles to get bumped up to business class
8. Picking up sexy negligee for Michelle at "Mahboba's Secret"
7. Playing a little 1-on-1 with Hamid Karzai
6. Seeing "Hot Tub Time Machine" dubbed in Pashto
5. Military demonstration on new secret weapon: ground-to-air-goat
4. The splendor of Kabul in the springtime
3. Catching Jon Lovitz at new Kandahar comedy club "Laffghanistan"
2. Spotting a confused John McCain arguing with a falafel
1. Leaving Afghanistan


David Letterman has fun with the RNC sex scandal version of a tickle club:





From Jimmy Kimmel:


Some people aren't sending their census forms because they're angry at the government, which is dumb because the census is how we figure out who gets represented. So if you don't send in your form, your state gets fewer congressmen. Which, come to think of it, maybe none of us should send in our forms because no congressmen seems like the perfect number, really.

When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as psychopaths, and then the rest of us.

Thursday is Census deadline day. The census would like every resident of the United States to fill out their form and mail it in. If you don't know how many people live in your house, just count the number of iPods.

And remember, you know, the Census Bureau sends a Census taker to any home that doesn't reply by mail. So unless you want to have a conversation with another human being, you better get that in.

Former Gov. Sarah Palin has been very busy. She's been campaigning for select Republicans, including John McCain, who's in the middle of a tough Senate race in Arizona. How does he introduce her? 'And now, the young woman who cost me the presidency, Sarah Palin!'


Yay, for tax season is literally upon us! :)






From Jay Leno:


This week, President Obama issued a proclamation declaring it Cesar Chavez Day. So this week was both Passover and Cesar Chavez Day. See, one holiday celebrates the flight of the Jewish people from Egypt to Israel, the other celebrates the flight of Mexican people from Tijuana to Los Angeles.

President Obama announced this week that he is opening more sites for offshore oil drilling. Do you know what that means? If we find enough oil, we could one day invade ourselves.

This is my favorite story of the week. The Republican National Committee is in trouble after spending nearly $2,000 at a bondage club in Hollywood. You know what I call a Republican that spends a lot of money in a strip club? A Democrat.

In fact, one eyewitness said 'some of the things going on in the club were almost too masochistic for the Republicans to watch.' Like in one room, there was a video being played over and over of President Obama signing the healthcare bill.







Because it's Easter, Catholic priests have been hearing confession all week — mostly from other Catholic priests,

Today is April 1, April Fools' Day, a day that people try to fool their friends and relatives. Don't confuse that with April 15, when people try to fool the IRS.

Well, earlier today, President Obama canceled the annual White House Easter Egg Hunt. Instead, the kids are going to be on the lawn of the White House drilling for oil.






Well, here's some good news for us. Iran's top nuclear scientist has defected to the CIA and is now here in the United States. He's now on our side. And he had some frightening information. He said Iran was just weeks away from developing their very own Toyota Prius.

It looks like Sarah Palin will be doing some kind of reality show on cable. They say her exact role on the show is unknown, kind of like when she campaigned for McCain.

Did you see John McCain with Sarah Palin next to him over the weekend? At first I thought it was Buzz Aldrin on 'Dancing with the Stars.'

The chairman of the Republican National Committee, Michael Steele – you probably heard about this – he got in a lot of trouble. I guess they dropped over $2,000 to staffers at a topless bondage theme nightclub right here in Hollywood. And what's the Republicans' big issue right now? Isn't it – oh, yeah – cutting down on wasteful spending?

Michael Steele. Doesn't he sound like he would be a dancer at a bondage theme nightclub?

Vice President Joe Biden did it again. He showed up at the White House Seder last night with a bunch of ham sandwiches.

Well, according to 'Newsweek,' the FBI now says Osama bin Laden is healthy and giving the orders once again for al Qaeda. Today, Republicans blamed it on the new healthcare bill.

First Lady Michelle Obama attended the Kids' Choice Awards over the weekend. See, I don't think the President had ever seen that show. Like, when she got home, the President asked Michelle how it went. She said there was a lot of slime. And President Obama said, 'Fox News was there?'

President Obama made a surprise visit to Afghanistan this past weekend. I guess after the last 14 months in Washington, he wanted to go someplace where there was less fighting.

Pretty quick trip. In fact, it happened so fast, Joe Biden didn't even have a chance to say something stupid about it.

And, as you know, the people have spoken, but health care passed anyway.

Congress is now preparing to pass yet another jobs bill. You know how to create more jobs in this country? Fire the people that wrote the first jobs bill. That obviously didn't work.

Osama bin Laden has released a new audiotape in which he threatens to kill Americans. You know, as opposed to his earlier, new-age motivational tape.

Well, the FBI is now saying that Al Qaeda may be planning an attack on a U.S. sports stadium. See, I don't think Al Qaeda, though, has any idea about our sports. You know what their big plan is? To hit Wrigley Field during the World Series.

And over in Afghanistan, the U.S. military is now using pilotless drones to attack Al Qaeda. Do you know what those are? It's a plane that doesn't have any pilot. It's flown by remote control by somebody on the ground. Or as Southwest calls that, 'the next step.'

Sarah Palin had a weekend for her: Changing diapers; opening up jars of baby food; cutting meat into little pieces. Just another day campaigning with John McCain.

And unemployment in Florida hit a record high of 12.2 percent. You want to know how bad it is down there? Today, the Coast Guard picked up 50 Cubans off the coast of Miami trying to swim back to Cuba.


Jon Stewart heckles the GOP lesbian bondage club scandal. Republican politics just keeps on giving to the comedy world. You can't make up this stuff! Why bother? The Republicans hand it to you on a silver platter. :)


The Daily Show With Jon StewartMon - Thurs 11p / 10c
2 Girls 1 GOP
www.thedailyshow.com
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From Craig Ferguson:


Do you know in Switzerland, in Geneva, scientists are celebrating? They have a multimillion-dollar atom-smasher that has given us new information on how the universe began. Couldn't these scientists save some money and just ask Larry King?

During a fundraising trip to California, some young Republicans took the Republican Party credit card to a club in Hollywood that has nude dancers doing bondage shows. Usually when Republicans find themselves in dark rooms with whips and chains, it's in Dick Cheney's basement.

It must be very embarrassing for the people involved. I'm sure the strippers didn't want anyone to know they were hanging out with politicians.

At least it was the young Republicans that did this. Could you imagine Bob Dole and John McCain walking in there?

Republican donors aren't happy about this. It's not fair that rich Republicans spend huge amounts of money at sex clubs and poor Republicans have to go to airport bathrooms.


President Obama's controversial new energy policy to destroy the Atlantic coast's continental shelf. Read that as move to higher ground, folks, the ocean is coming your way within 30 years just like in Louisiana as the oil companies create massive pot holes in the earth's crust and the natural gas companies depletes that pocket of gas that used to hold up the land your house is sitting on top of there, creating yet more sink holes. Does the greed and political enabling/pandering ever stop?






From Jimmy Fallon:


Today is April Fools' Day, that day of the year when you can't get anyone to believe anything you say — or as Gov. Paterson calls it, 'Any day.'

As part of an April Fools' Day prank, Google renamed itself 'Topeka.' As part of a really desperate prank, Yahoo renamed itself 'Google.'

During a speech at the White House, President Obama said that 'teleworking' from home can boost efficiency. Kind of interesting advice from a guy who just flew 13 hours to Afghanistan to say 'what's up.'

Hey, you guys, baseball season starts next week. And President Obama is going to throw out the first pitch at the Nationals game. Meanwhile, Joe Biden will be on hand to make the first error.

You guys hear about this? Sarah Palin has a new Fox News series, which is being described as a show about people with real-life tales of overcoming adversity. Hey, she should do a story about that guy who became the first black president. That would be a good story. Think about that one.

On the 'Today' show this morning, President Obama said that adjustments will need to be made to the new healthcare law. In fact, it's getting so many adjustments, Obama's now calling it the Heidi Montag of congressional bills.

In the same interview, President Obama said that his family has decided not to join any one, single church, because he causes too much of a disruption at services. At the last service, the priest was like, 'In the name of the Father, the Son and holy cow, the President!'



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