22 November 2010

Monday Lite: Late Night Jokes, Thanksgiving and TSA Cartoons - 22 Nov 2010

Check out the late night sarcasm about the TSA Pat Downs, Thanksgiving turkeys of the political kind like the Palin pride and Bush Who? 



From Denny:  Check out the cartoons documenting the national conversation about airport security that has the nation in an uproar about invasive Pat Downs right before the Thanksgiving holiday. The government and the TSA continue to sell it. The media continues to document it as well approved by the public. Yet those are old polls before people realized the fines involved if you refuse a pat down, how invasive these pat downs have become and the fact the scanner radiation has been declared dangerous by the Pilots Association. Quit zooming us, Mr. Obama and Co-President Axelrod.


Ed Stein



From Jay Leno:

At the opening of the Bush Presidential Center in Texas, Dick Cheney joked that the center is the only shovel-ready project in America. What about that Dick Cheney taking a buddy hunting? That could be another shovel-ready project.

In an upcoming interview with Barbara Walters, Sarah Palin says she believes she can beat Obama in 2012. The way things are going right now, Bristol Palin could beat Obama in 2012.

I'll tell you how confident Sarah Palin is. She's already started writing her inaugural address on her hand.

In a ranking of 35 cities, by 'Travel and Leisure' magazine - Los Angeles finished second to last in intelligence. All I can say, thank god for Washington, D.C. Thank god for Washington, D.C.

Sunday night was the debut of the reality show, 'Sarah Palin's Alaska.' It got huge ratings. Even people over in Russia were watching and they didn't need TVs. They could see it from their porch.

The new Oxford dictionary has declared Sarah Palin's made-up word 'refudiate' the 2010 word of the year. When asked for her reaction to the dubious honor, Palin said she would not 'dignitate' it with a response.

Nancy Pelosi has now been elected the new House minority leader. She was smiling from ear to ear, which is pretty impressive considering how far her ears have been pulled back. (Like this woman has ever had the time to go get a face lift. Boo to you, Jay.)

If Rep. Charles Rangel is found guilty by the ethics committee, they said they could expel him, but experts say that is not likely. See, that would set a bad precedent in Washington, punishing the guilty.

Sunday Night was the debut of the reality show 'Sarah Palin's Alaska.' It got huge ratings. Even John McCain watched it. In fact, halfway through the program McCain turned to his wife Cindy and said, 'Who is that woman? She looks familiar.'

President Obama has just released a new children's book. It just came out. Have you seen this? It's called -- right here. 'Of Thee I Sing' and of course, the Republicans, you know, they couldn't wait to release their version of the book, 'The End I See.'

It was bad enough when the TSA agents would go through your underwear in your luggage. Now they're going through your underwear while you're wearing it.

Now, to make it worse, the airlines are charging a $15 molestation fee.

The House Ethics Committee has found Rep. Charles Rangel guilty of financial misconduct. It wasn't easy. They had to go way outside Washington to find anyone that knew anything about ethics.

I don't think Rangel gets it. Like, today, he said to pay his fine he's going to have to accept bribes now.

This will be a rough week for President Obama. He's got a lame duck Congress, he has to pardon a turkey, he has to eat crow, and the Chinese just flipped him the bird. It's been a fowl week.

The lame duck Congress started today. Not to be confused with before the election — that was a lame-ass excuse for a Congress.

'Sarah Palin's Alaska' got huge ratings for its premiere. It was followed by 'John McCain's Mesopotamia.'

President Obama wrote a children's book. If only one person reads it, it will be double the number of people that read the healthcare bill.

President Obama is back home after his ten-day trip to Asia. On the way back, yesterday, air force one made a stop in Anchorage, Alaska, which is hopefully the only time we'll hear air force one and Anchorage, Alaska in the same sentence.

The major pilots unions are complaining about the use of full-body scanners and these pat-down techniques at the airport. Pilots say the searches make it almost impossible for them to smuggle in liquor.

President Obama said on '60 Minutes' that he wants to bring back the 8 million jobs we've lost. Today India said 'no.'

Obama's overseas trip has been such a disaster that people in Kenya now claim that he has an American birth certificate.

Well, some good news today from President Obama. You know how he's been trying for two years to shut down Guantanamo Bay. Well, they finally found a place to put the terrorists. They're going to stick them on the Carnival cruise. Just let them drift.

The Carnival Cruise liner was disabled and drifted for two days without any power, thus earning the ship the nickname 'The Democratic Party.'



Nick Anderson



From Stephen Colbert:


You can opt out of the full-body scan and choose the alternative, letting the TSA touch your T&A. It’s just like an 8th grade basement make-out party, except instead of your mother interrupting, she’s getting stroked in the next line.

Wall Street hands out new bonuses. Poor people, get prepared to be trickled down on.



From Jon Stewart:


President Obama is back from his 10-day Asian tour, and I haven’t seen a trip reviewed this badly since the Griswalds went to Vegas.

For Republicans, Bill Clinton is like a fine wine - the more you drink, the harder it is to remember, 'Oh, I f**king hate wine!'


And for the new Speaker of the House aka The Tan Man because he spends six months out of the year playing golf instead of in Washington doing the people's business:


Moderately Confused



From Bill Maher:


Things are so bad for Obama, today a gay teenager made a video showing him that it gets better.

George Bush's memoir out. It's called 'Decision Points' It's also available in an audio version so you can listen to it while you drive the economy off the cliff.

Bush was everywhere this week. He was on Matt Lauer, Sean Hannity, Oprah. And he got 50 bucks for his fetus in a jar on 'The Antique Roadshow.'


Drew Sheneman



From Seth Meyers:


The weirdest part of his memoir is that Bush says when he was a teenager, his mother showed him a fetus that she had miscarried that she kept in a jar. And his decision point there was to start drinking. ... Actually Bush says when she showed him the fetus in the jar, that's what made him so strongly against abortion — and for food labels.

An article on 'Huffington Post yesterday claimed that several passages of George W. Bush's new memoir 'Decision Points" were lifted from other books, including several written by his advisers. Which explains why he spent much of the book complaining about his boss.

One of the new proposals from a bipartisan commission released Wednesday suggested that in order to bring down the deficit, the government would need to raise the retirement age to 69 by the year 2075. So the next time a baby is crying on your flight, it's probably because they just found out they're gonna have to work until they're 69 in new China.

Speaking in a video for an ad campaign aimed at ending the bullying of gay teenagers, Cindy McCain, the wife of Senator John McCain, broke with her husband and called for the repeal of 'don't ask, don't tell.' McCain says he and his wife have disagreed on other issues too. Things like, "Where am I and what the hell is going on.


Gary Varvel



From David Letterman:


They broke ground at the George W. Bush Presidential Library out there in Dallas. I know you're snickering already. The guy never read a book in his life but he's got a library. How does that happen?

Bush opening a library, that's like Kirstie Alley opening a can of diet coke.

Sarah Palin says she's going to run for President in 2012. 2012. Donald Trump said he's going to run for President in 2012 against Sarah Palin. Nice to know there will somebody equally unqualified.

Now that would be some presidential race. You've got Donald Trump and Sarah Palin and the debates. Get there early and get some seats down front for those debates. 'You're fired, you becha.'

There's going to be problems when Donald Trump runs. They had a lot of problems with Obama, you wait until Donald Trump runs because the rumor is that thing on his head was not born in this country.

David Letterman's "Top Ten Surprises In Sarah Palin's New Book"

10. It's one, long run-on sentence
9. Lists her favorite things to gut
8. In 2008, she voted for Obama
7. She plagiarizes the stuff George W. Bush plagiarized in his book
6. Averages six "You betcha's" per page
5. In high school, was voted "Most Likely to Serve Half-Term As Alaska's Governor"
4. Comes with a caribou jerky bookmark
3. There's also an edition that's been translated into English
2. Explains why they call her Baba Booey
1. Palin recently worked as a Tina Fey impersonator

Happy birthday to Rep. John Boehner from Ohio. If you want to get him a present, you can't go wrong with bronzer. Or you can get him a giant bed so the banking, oil, and defense industries can get in it with him.

Down in Texas, ground breaking ceremonies for the George W. Bush center in Dallas. Ladies and gentlemen, thank god the comedy recession is over. Actually, the official name of the place is George W. Bush Presidential Center and Go-Kart Track. And water park. The George W. Bush Presidential Center is part of a $250 million complex. And by the way, I believe this is the first time the words 'Bush' and 'complex' have been used in same sentence.



Chip Bok



David Letterman's "Top Ten Highlights of the George W. Bush Library Groundbreaking"

10. While digging, they found Obama's birth certificate
9. Read warm congratulatory note from Osama and Julie bin Laden
8. Displayed thousands of books Bush pretends to read
7. George arrived wearing a flight suit and piloting the Conan blimp
6. Dubya only had three shoes thrown at him
5. Dug up thousands of Gore ballots from 2000
4. Bush gave Halliburton $300 million check just for the hell of it
3. George correctly pronounced the word "nuclear" (it doesn't get any more groundbreaking than that)
2. After a few seconds of digging, Bush raised "Mission Accomplished" banner
1. Bush and Cheney celebrated the day with a long, passionate, open-mouth kiss


Sarah Palin's new show is a huge hit and producers are saying that no endangered species were harmed — except for the Democrats.

Palin says they do a lot of huntin', a lot of hikin', and a lot of fishin'. I won't be watchin.'

President Obama has a children's book. It's called, 'How the Grinch Stole the Midterm Elections.'

The TSA has changed airport security guidelines. Now you can have an extensive body pat-down or a naked scan. I think I speak for everybody when I say, "Hey, why can't we have both?


David Letterman's "Top Ten Ways To Make Airport Security More Pleasant"

10. For $10, screeners will give you luxurious shiatsu massage
9. To your left, x-ray conveyor belt; to your right, complimentary hot buffet
8. Passenger's naked body scan ends up on YouTube — hey, that joke was in the monologue
7. Anyone caught with something suspicious has to eat it
6. You can watch other passengers get groped for 99 cents a minute
5. Guess the TSA agent's weight and you can bring any liquid on board
4. Passengers have option to be frisked by security or airport Cinnabon employee
3. Pipe in soft rock classics from the '70s, '80s, '90s, and today
2. Concludes with a good luck pat on the butt
1. Vibrating wands


Bernie Madoff's underpants were sold at an auction. They were from 'Fraud of the Loom.'

They sold a lot of Madoff's cold weather clothing. He won't need that where he's going.

Madoff was upset that his wife sold her engagement ring for $500,000, because he hoped to give it to his new fiancé, Walt.

Former President George W. Bush was all over TV promoting his book, 'Decision Points.' On 'Rachael Ray,' they waterboarded a veal cutlet.

Bill Clinton is going to appear in a movie, he has a small part in a movie called the Hangover 2. George W. Bush also next year will be seen in the new Jackass movie.

David Letterman's "Top 10 New Words of 2010"

10. Lohab
9. Obamamess
8. Baba-Bookdeal
7. Foxtitious
6. Sheentoxicated
5. Witchcrap
4. Baconfetti
3. Opraholic
2. Leno'd
1. Palincoherent


President Bush is everywhere talking about his book and he's being very candid. In one interview, he said that he used to do stupid things while he was drunk. But think about it, who among us hasn't had a couple of drinks and invaded Iraq?

President Bush is everywhere. He's been on the Larry King show. He's been on the 'Today Show' with Matt Lauer, he's been on all of the programs. He was on Rachael Ray this morning water boarding a veal cutlet.

Former first lady Laura Bush used to be a librarian. Coincidentally, she's the only thing George W. Bush ever checked out at the library.

Sarah Palin has a show about Alaska premiering Sunday. I was starting to worry that she's underexposed.

George W. Bush says he is glad to be out of the Oval Office because he doesn't have to think all the time. And I'm thinking wait a minute, that was him thinking all the time. Really?

In his new book, George W. Bush says he’s happy to be out of Washington. Well, it’s unanimous.

Former President George W. Bush has written his memoir. It's called Decision Points. I've already decided not to read it. … He'll be everywhere promoting the book. He's on the 'Today Show.' Going to be on the Oprah Winfrey Show, and tomorrow he'll be on the Rachael Ray Show, water boarding the veal cutlets.

No sir, I'm not going to read it until he reads it.




Gary Varvel


From Conan O'Brien:


TSA Chief John Pistole says he and his boss Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano have each personally received the more invasive TSA patdown. They both had it. Ya, it's been called the world's least sexy threesome.

Donald Trump wants to see if people think he should run for President. So a website has been launched called 'Shouldtrumprun.com.' Yeah, don't worry the American public has responded with their own website 'No.com.'

Former President George W. Bush's new memoir has already sold 800,000 copies. In other news, the new Bush presidential library just purchased its first 800,000 books.

Authorities say a 67-year-old man in Wisconsin was so enraged over Bristol Palin's 'Dancing with the Stars' routine, he blasted his television with a shotgun. All I can say is I'm glad this guy doesn't have TBS.

The New Oxford Dictionary has declared Sarah Palin's word 'refudiate' to be the 2010 Word of the Year. Palin was honored and said she would do her best to 'dismangle' the English language.

While in Thailand, former President Bill Clinton shot a cameo for the movie 'The Hangover 2.' Yeah, that's true. When asked what he was doing in Thailand, Bill Clinton got very quiet.



Lisa Benson



People are concerned that the new airport security scanners could lead to pictures of their genitals ending up on the Internet. Apparently no one has told them that without pictures of genitals, there would be no Internet.

In San Diego, a man refused to be patted down by airport security and some people are calling him a hero. I don't mind being patted down by airport security, but I don't like it when the guy says, 'Now you do me.'

Reports suggest that parts of former President Bush's new book may have been lifted from other books. Especially the parts about Dumbledore and Voldemort.

Voters in Arizona have approved a measure allowing medical marijuana. Arizona is now the 15th state where you can pretend to have glaucoma.

Speaking of former presidents, I'm not making this up. Former President Clinton apparently has a cameo in he new "Hangover 2" movie. Yep. When asked why Clinton is in the movie, the producers said there are some things Mike Tyson will not do.



Bruce Beattie



From Craig Ferguson:


A senior citizen was arrested after shooting his TV when Bristol Palin wasn't kicked off of 'Dancing With the Stars.' Come on, John McCain, it's been two years. Get over it.

You can tell President Obama wrote his children's book a few years ago. It lists 13 great Americans and they include Bernie Madoff, Tiger Woods, and Charlie Sheen.

All of the royalties from Obama's book sales will go to an organization that really needs the money: the Obama re-election company.

Rep. John Boehner is the new speaker of the House. Turn-ons include tax cuts and spray tans.



Rob Rogers



From Jimmy Fallon:


The Situation from 'Jersey Shore' just shot a PSA with Bristol Palin about safe sex and abstinence. Wait, they wanted to do a psa about not having sex and getting pregnant and they chose The Situation and Bristol Palin? Who's doing their anti-drug campaign, Lindsay Lohan?

Alaska Sen. Lisa Murkowski said that she doesn't think Sarah Palin enjoyed being governor. Palin was like, 'That's absurd. If I didn't enjoy being governor, I would have just quit in the middle of my — nevermind.'

George W. Bush's famous 'Mission Accomplished' banner may be put in his Presidential Library. They plan to hang it up as soon as they start construction.

Over 5 million people tuned in to watch the premiere of Sarah Palin's new show on TLC. It was such a success, TLC now stands for 'The Learnifying Channel.'

They just had the groundbreaking ceremony of the George W. Bush Presidential Library in Dallas. It's easy to get into the building, but then you spend 10 years trying to find an exit strategy.

Dick Cheney attended the ceremony. It's fitting for Cheney to be at the library. He spent eight years telling Bush to be quiet.

Actually, when speaking about Bush, Dick Cheney said that Americans can tell a decent, good-hearted guy when they see him. Then he was like, 'Let me know if you do. I need that heart.'

The day before Thanksgiving is National Opt-Out Day, where people are being asked to boycott the TSA's full-body scanners. Sponsors of the event say people shouldn't be made to feel embarrassed or uncomfortable while traveling. That's what Thanksgiving with your family is for.

President Obama is doing an interview with Barbara Walters that will air the day after Thanksgiving. Walters will ask Obama how he plans to stop the fighting in the Middle East, while he'll ask her how she plans to stop the fighting on 'The View.'

'The Unemployed American' is in the running for 'Time' magazine's 'Man of the Year.' That must be discouraging, to be on the cover of 'Time' and still no one will hire you.

President Obama's picture book for kids is coming out. That's when you know things have changed — when Bush writes a 500-page memoir and Obama hands in a coloring book.

Arizona just became the 15th state to approve medical marijuana. So I give it three days before they stop caring about the whole immigration thing.

Hillary Clinton met with Israel's Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu for six hours at a hotel yesterday. When Hillary saw that she had a six-hour meeting at a hotel, she was like, 'Wait, I think this is Bill's schedule. This isn't mine. It can't be mine.'

China is expected to overtake the U.S. as the world's biggest economy in the next two years. Americans couldn't believe it. 'That hasn't happened already?'

I finally read former President Bush's memoir, and I've got to say, the book was way better than the presidency.

JetBlue is appointing retired Gen. Stanley McChrystal to its board of directors. That's who I want looking for my missing luggage — the guy who's been trying to find bin Laden for 10 years.



Rob Rogers



From Jimmy Kimmel:


A guy was so upset with Bristol Palin on 'Dancing With the Stars' that he shot his TV set with a shotgun. You would think a guy with a shotgun tucked between his couch cushions would be a Palin supporter.

He became upset when Brandy was eliminated and not only shot his TV, but threatened to shoot himself. He either really hates Bristol Palin or really loves the show 'Moesha.'

Sarah Palin's new reality show premiered last night on TLC. Huge ratings. 5 Million viewers. The biggest premiere in the history of that network. If you didn't see it, basically it's Jon and Kate plus about four meets the deadliest catch. It's Ice Road Soccer Mom.

Early on in the first episode Sarah Palin talked about trying to protect her family's privacy while speaking directly into a television camera.

There was a funny moment on Palin's show when the Palins approached a brown bear and asked to see its papers.

TSA agents can now feel the inside of passengers' thighs. I get more action going through airline security than I did all through high school.

President Clinton is in Thailand and he just shot a cameo in the new movie the 'Hangover 2.' He was in Thailand giving a speech. He stopped by the set. You see that, he's not a letch. Turns out all these years he's just been preparing for a role. He's a method actor. Thailand movie set, bachelor party, what could possibly go wrong? Hillary must be delighted. 'You did what in Thailand?'



Drew Sheneman




*** Clown photo by Tansan @ flickr


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