12 November 2010

Friday Lite: Latest Late Nite Jokes and Videos - 12 Nov 2010

Latest jokes about the midterm election shellacking, funny videos, a Cee Lo Green music video from Colbert..



From Denny:  What would the world be without politics? We would have nothing to lampoon, mock and sneer at on a regular basis for entertainment, that's what! :) While "Satan" may have invented stress, well, God invented humor with a side dish of politicians - and comedians to mock them. Take a look at this week's "doings" and offerings from the funny guys in late night entertainment.  Sometimes, I think the truest political opinion is the funny one.  They hold up a mirror to humanity's foibles and arrogance.  It's a humbling experience.

Who knows?  Maybe the comedians like Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert will succeed in getting out the youth vote and really scare the pants off the Republicans.  Remember, the sobering demographic fact about this 2010 midterm election is that 78 percent white men voted, few women voted, 9 percent Hispanic voted and about 10 percent African-Americans voted.  And that's why we have bad government - when we leave it up to only one segment of the country to vote in our politicians.


Video clips featured:

Music Video: Cee Lo Green Performs On Colbert Report - Colbert has some fun with popular musician Cee Lo Greene.

Funny Video: Colbert Mocks Bush Memoir Decision Points - Colbert enjoys the presidential memoir - a real page-turner.

Funny Video: Potty Training Your Sloth - Check out real life humor of how to potty train a very slow sloth.

Video: 10 Funniest and Seriously Trippy Cereal Ads - Check out some funny demented cereal ads over the decades - and how your mind has been secretly brainwashed to buy their products as adults.

Funny Video: Jon Stewart Mocks Really Negative Campaign Ads - Lots of voter anger aimed at both political parties, especially from these negative campaign ads choking the air waves every election.




Jerry Holbert




From Jay Leno:

President Obama is still out of the country but he's keeping in contact with Vice President Joe Biden to find out when it's safe to come back home.

Nancy Pelosi is throwing a party to celebrate her time as speaker of the House. If you would like to get her a gift, she's registered at Bed, Bath and Don't Blame Me.

I'm not sure what kind of a party it will be, but I think we can rule out a tea party.

President Obama was in India yesterday visiting our jobs. Tomorrow he goes to China to visit our money.

Republicans were complaining about the cost of Obama’s trip, and that he was staying at the Taj Mahal. It turns out he was actually staying at the Taj Mahal Express, by the airport.

Obama says India is one of our most important trading partners. We give them our jobs and they give us . . . Wait, what do we get?

The president’s trip was cut short due to volcanic ash. That’s the second time his plans have been disrupted by ash. The last time was when the Democrats went down in flames.

Oh, and did you know this is fraud awareness week? Fraud awareness week comes the week after the election when people realize the person they elected is a huge fraud.

Republicans fresh off their victory on Election Day say their first priority will be to dismantle the new health care law. And believe me, there's nothing people without a job love more than less health care.

Former president George Bush has a new book out called 'Decision Points.' He's quite candid in this book. He talked about how he and Dick Cheney often clashed because of their different style. For example, Bush liked to shoot from the hip, whereas Cheney liked to shoot people in the face. Two different ways of coming at things.

President Obama is in India. You know what they say — go where the jobs are.

Obama’s in India for two days and Republicans are already accusing him of being a Hindu.

Nancy Pelosi, who lost her position as Speaker of the House says she will seek to become the House Minority Leader. And really who better qualified to be House Minority Leader than the person who led their party to become a minority in the first place.

MSNBC news anchor Keith Olbermann will be back to work on Wednesday after being suspended without pay for giving campaign contributions to Democratic candidates, which is against the rules at MSNBC. See, if only he had done like Eliot Spitzer and given his money to hookers, he would have gotten his own prime time show on CNN.

President Bush told Matt Lauer the most embarrassing thing he ever did drunk was ask a friend of his parents what sex was like after 50. That's nothing. John McCain asked Sarah Palin to be his running mate when he was sober.

Well, it looks like John Boehner will be the new Speaker of the House. He is the son of a bartender, one of 12 children. He grew up in a two room home with just one bathroom, worked his way through school, became the first person in his family to graduate from college. And, sadly, fell in with the wrong crowd and wound up in Congress.



Bill Day



You know who Boehner is, right? He's that orange looking guy. See, for Republicans that counts as diversity.

And Boehner, very serious about cutting back on spending. I saw him day, touching up his tan with an orange sharpie.

Levi Johnston said in an interview that Sarah Palin is not qualified to be President. And, believe me, if there's anyone who knows about not being qualified for something it is Levi Johnston.

Tuesday night Americans completely rejected the efforts of a charismatic African American who was trying to do the best he could. Rick Fox was voted off 'Dancing with the Stars.'

Tuesday was bad for President Obama. Voters threw away the hope and just went for the change.

Obama lost 66 Democrats — and not one of them was Joe Biden.

Ohio Republican John Boehner will take over for Nancy Pelosi. Those are some big eyes to fill.

The government will pump an additional $600 billion into the economy. I guess they have to make up for what Meg Whitman isn’t spending anymore.

The Republicans won by a mudslide.

Not only did Meg Whitman lose, now she can’t find anybody to clean her house.

Despite being caught paying $300 for a prostitute David Vitter easily won reelection. Voters respected his fiscal conservatism, paying only $300, compared to liberal Eliot Spitzer who paid $5,000. That’s a $4,700 savings to the taxpayers right there.

All year long, the Democrats were telling people to 'get out and vote.' Then people told the Democrats, 'We voted, now get out!'

I loved how the different news networks covered the elections. On MSNBC, it was called 'Election Night 2010: What Went Wrong?' At Fox News, it was 'Election Night 2010: Party!'



Steve Benson



From David Letterman:

George W. Bush says he is glad to be out of the Oval Office because he doesn't have to think all the time. And I'm thinking wait a minute, that was him thinking all the time. Really?

President Obama went to India, South Korea, then Japan. He’s going to keep traveling until he finds his birth certificate.

George W. Bush's memoir is out today. And the guy is apparently quite candid, quite honest in the memoir. It's a big, big book. The problem is because of his economic policies nobody can afford to buy the book.

But the guy, the president, he is still quick. Still very athletic. You know, he's a former cheerleader. I believe he is our only president who was a cheerleader. He proved today at a book signing that he can still duck a shoe.

In the book Bush says that he lost respect for John McCain when he selected Sarah Palin as his running mate. This guy whose running mate shot a buddy in the face.

In his new book, George W. Bush says he’s happy to be out of Washington. Well, it’s unanimous.

Former President George W. Bush has written his memoir. It's called Decision Points. I've already decided not to read it. … He'll be everywhere promoting the book. He's on the 'Today Show.' Going to be on the Oprah Winfrey Show, and tomorrow he'll be on the Rachael Ray Show, water boarding the veal cutlets.

No sir, I'm not going to read it until he reads it.

Isn’t fall in New York City great? The colors are brown, gold, and orange. And that’s just John Boehner’s face.

Hillary Clinton says she will not run again for President. Your move, Brett Favre.

When Hillary says she’s not running, is she really not running? Or just pulling a Leno?

How about those elections? Here's how it breaks down now. We have a Republican House. We have a Democratic Senate. And we have a President with veto power with. Smooth sailing, right? No problems there.

Sarah Palin says she wants limited government. Does she mean fewer elected officials or more officials who resign in the middle of their terms? I think limited government will be perfect for her limited abilities.

What do you think of the Republican landslide victory on election night? No one's laughing at my John Boehner tattoo now.

The president is going to India. He’ll be traveling on Air Force One-Term.

In Washington today volunteers were washing the mud off Democrats and releasing them back into the wild.

Pundits say Christine O’Donnell’s political career may be over, but she still has six months as a punchline.

Christine O'Donnell, after losing her election in Delaware, said 'Our voices were heard.' In your head, lady.

You can tell it's winter. The Democrats have gone into hibernation.

Republicans are in charge now. We all remember how well that worked last time.

Voters didn't like how President Obama was handling the economy. Wait a minute — he was handling the economy?


Ed Stein



From Jimmmy Fallon:

George W. Bush was signing copies of his new memoir 'Decision Points' at a Borders Bookstore yesterday. Did you hear about that? Yeah, when he saw the bookstore, he was like, 'I heard about these places, but I never believed they were real.' I'm not even wearing special glasses. This is great.'

I finally read former President Bush's memoir, and I've got to say, the book was way better than the presidency.

JetBlue is appointing retired Gen. Stanley McChrystal to its board of directors. That's who I want looking for my missing luggage — the guy who's been trying to find bin Laden for 10 years.

The Pentagon says it doesn't know who is responsible for launching a missile off the California coast on Monday. Meanwhile, Sasha and Malia can't believe the awesome new video game they just found in the White House.

I don't know if you guys saw this, but Bristol Palin made it to the semifinals of "Dancing with the Stars" last night. I'm not saying Bristol is going to win, but if there's one thing she's known for, it's going all the way. So I would put my money, put it all on Bristol Palin.

President Obama said he spends a lot of time thinking about bringing back the eight million jobs we lost. And in his new book, George Bush says he spends a lot of time thinking about bringing back the show 'Wings.'

A company in China is selling a President Obama blow-up sex doll. Don't get too excited. It turns out most of its positions are very unpopular.

Well George W. Bush is on the big book tour this week. During an interview with USA Today, Bush said that he was, 'blindsided by the financial crisis.' Bush said he was also blindsided by the fact that he knew the word blindsided.

Everyone is talking about the unemployment rate. This week it went up by about 65 Democrats.

In his new book George W. Bush reveals that he considered dropping Dick Cheney in 2002 to show he was in charge, not Cheney. But then Cheney nixed the idea.

A court has reinstated the military's Don’t Ask Don’t Tell policy even though another court struck it down a few weeks ago, which means it's time for some soldiers to implement a policy called Just Kidding. Gay soldiers are going, 'What’s going on? I haven’t been this confused since high school.'

The final poll before Election Day shows that 55 percent of Americans plan to vote for Republicans, while 40 percent plan to vote for Democrats. I guess Obama is finally going to get that change he was talking about.

It seems most experts are predicting that Republicans will win back the House tomorrow. When Americans heard that they were like, 'Wait, we can win back our houses?'

President Obama sent out an e-mail encouraging his supporters to take at least three friends with them to vote. That's not how people vote — that's how women go to the bathroom.

California will vote on legalizing marijuana on Tuesday. So thousands of stoners will be at the polls saying, "Dude, just pass it ... and now let's go in and vote on Prop 19."



Bruce Beattie



Conan O'Brien:

Twenty-thousand Indonesians protested President Obama's visit to Indonesia. Apparently, 3 out of 4 Indonesians believe he's an American.

Former President George W. Bush was on 'Oprah.' When asked about being the leader of the free world, Oprah said, 'It’s not bad.'

Welcome to my new show it's called 'Conan'. People ask me why I named the show 'Conan.' I did it so I'd be harder to replace.

I just got the news that we’re already No. 1 in TBS’ key demographic: people that can’t afford HBO.

An exciting night. I'm really glad to be on cable. I have to tell you that right now, it's not a joke. The truth is, it probably doesn't help that I say that's not a joke afterwards. The truth is, ladies and gentlemen, I have dreamed of being a talk show host on basic cable ever since I was 46.

It’s not easy doing a late night show on a channel without a lot of money, that viewers have trouble finding. That’s why I left NBC.



Bruce Beattie



From Jimmy Kimmel:

George W. Bush was interviewed by Matt Lauer who asked him if he would still invade Iraq if he knew then what he knows now. It's an unfair question. For one thing I don’t know if Bush does know what he knows now.

President Obama is in Indonesia. I guess he won a trip on 'Wheel of Fortune.'

Former President Bush was on 'Oprah.' It was Oprah’s annual 'Least Favorite Things' episode.

We'll start with the shocking events on 'Dancing with the Stars.' Once again, Bristol Palin, despite the fact again she had the lowest score, lives to dance another week and instead quarterback Kurt Warner becomes the latest moose to find himself in the Palin cross hairs. Who knew Bristol Palin was the most popular person on television.

What if Bristol Palin wins ‘Dancing with the Stars?’ How afraid can America be of her mother? She can't dance. She's not a star. The only part of the show that applies to her is the ‘with the.’ I wouldn’t have believed that a dancing competition could make me question whether I really live in a democracy or not.

Obama actually spent part of his childhood in Indonesia. He was known as Barry Obama then. They've been digging up childhood friends. One said he was chubby and ran like a duck. Which proves he's not Kenyan, because that's as American as it gets.

President Obama was in India today. The President is touring Asia making trade deals. He signed a $10 billion pack with India this afternoon. He brokered a deal to make India part of the UN security council. And he was able to get a $15 late fee reversed on his Visa card.

President Obama will be traveling to India. After Tuesday’s election, he decided to move there.

Prop 19, the California proposition to legalize marijuana lost. The proponents are all so sad today. If only there were some substance that could make them laugh again.

Republicans won big on election day. They say their two big priorities are cutting taxes and reducing the debt. Which is sort of like wanting to lose weight and win 'Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest.'

Thousands of marijuana enthusiasts went to the polls this morning in California to support Prop 19. Unfortunately, the election was the day before.

Supporters of Prop 19 believed the new law would have raised billions of dollars in tax revenue and created thousands of jobs for people to be too stoned to show up to.

On the bright side, at least now there will be some leftovers at Thanksgiving.

Although many of her Republican colleagues were elected to the House, Christine O'Donnell ended up underneath it, with her feet curled up.

The Democrats lost the House. Big deal, a lot of Americans lost their houses. Why shouldn’t they?

Don’t get too bummed out, you can still use your 'I Voted' sticker to roll tiny little joints.” –Jimmy Kimmel, on the possibility that Proposition 19 may not pass

What she should have done with the 142 million was make a 'Terminator' movie. That’s how our current Governor did it!” –Jimmy Kimmel, on California Gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman spending $142 million of her own money on her campaign

The San Francisco Giants beat the Texas Rangers to win the World Series for the first time in 56 years. The fans back home celebrated with riots, overturning Priuses, throwing bottles of bio-dynamically farmed zinfandel and building huge clean-burning bonfires.

All his life people have called John Boehner 'Boner,' and now America is going to pay. It's the reason his brother Dick stayed out of politics altogether.

Our forefathers fought and died for our right to choose, and to honor them, today almost 12% of us went out and voted.



Gary Markstein



From Stephen Colbert:

‘Decision Points’ by George W. Bush has dropped, and it's like 'War & Peace' without the peace. Here's the very first page: 'In the last year of my presidency I began to seriously consider writing my memoirs.' Right away he’s got you hooked. Did he write them or didn’t he? You won’t know until you read the book. Maybe the rest of the pages are blank. If there’s one thing we’ve learned it’s that we can’t believe something is there just because Bush says it is.

John Boehner will be the new speaker unless, out of habit, he blocks his own confirmation.

"Tonight, we will be riding a gnarly GOP barrel all the way to tax cut beach!

John Boehner will be the new Speaker of the House. It is the highest elected office ever to be reached by an Orange-American. – The Daily Show correspondent Olivia Munn

Russ Feingold was defeated for having progressive values. In Louisiana, David Vitter has absolutely destroyed his challenger by going out with hookers. – Jon Stewart, on America's priorities

We are calling the West Virginia Senate race for Democrat Joe Manchin in a landslide. Now, technically, it's only 11 points, but given West Virginia's rich tradition of mining coal by blowing the tops off of mountains, pretty much everything that happens in that state is a landslide.

Welcome to where rumor undergoes a fact-change operation and becomes analysis. – Stephen Colbert, on his new election center

In Jackson County, WV, machines have actually changed votes, which would explain why candidate Error 404 Page Not Found is headed to the House of Representatives.

In the Kentucky Senate race, Rand Paul has been declared the victor. Rand Paul is a libertarian and a staunch opponent of regulation of any kind. So, congratulations, Kentucky, your state bird is now a can of lead paint.

All we know for sure is that, if the past is any indication, one of these two men will be our nation's next first black president. – Stephen Colbert, on the race for Barack Obama's old Senate seat

Alaska: The Nipples that Can Cut Glass State



Steve Sack



From Craig Ferguson:

President Obama was in Indonesia today, and he spent a lot of his childhood there. It was like Dick Cheney going back to visit the Death Star.

President Barack Obama used to be known as 'Barry.' Barry doesn’t sound like a president, it sounds like a guy that gets drunk and throws up in the fish tank.

Finally, the 2010 elections are over and we can get started on the campaign for 2012.

All of the election coverage was constantly being interrupted by the computers, updates, and text messages from Brett Favre.

The CNN election coverage was constantly being interrupted by text messages from Brett Favre. Then the commentator would say,’ There’s a big swing to the right in Minnesota.'

The Tea Party needs to pick a tougher name. 'Tea Party' sounds like something I do with my ferrets every Sunday.

Christine O'Donnell lost her election by 20 percent. In a brief concession speech, she said 'I'm melting.'

Christine O'Donnell lost her election by 20 percent. She's planning to retire to her house in the country where she'll lure children with candy and gingerbread.

Hundreds of people in Washington, D.C. reported seeing a UFO today. Aliens, if you’re searching for intelligent life, you’ve got the wrong town.

Former president George W. Bush released his new memoir. By the way, 'memoir' is just a fancy word for 'a bunch of stuff that happened to me.'

Bush’s memoir is 512 pages. To be fair, 200 of those pages are just games and puzzles.

In the middle of the book is an Iraq maze which is pretty much impossible to get out of.

President Obama is getting ready to leave Washington. Not leaving for good — he’ll do that in a couple years.

India is famous for its Darjeeling tea, but President Obama won’t be interested in tea parties of any kind.


Chip Bok



From Bill Maher:

America put the crazy people who got us into this mess back in charge, and California won't let us get high to get over it.

I do not understand the electorate. This country is hurting in a way we haven't since the Depression. People struggling all over this country, and they came out and voted for the party that says right up front they will suspend your unemployment benefits and repeal health care. To go against your self-interest more you'd have to literally go f*ck yourself.

A special shout-out to the independent geniuses, who switched sides again because President Chocolate Jesus did not make it rain twenties in two years.

You know what, you independents, if you can vote for Bush one year, and then the next election vote for Obama, and then go back to John Boehner, you're not independents, you're schizophrenic. You're Norman Bates, sometimes you dress up as your mom and kill sluts in the shower, and sometimes you put on pants and mop up. Well, congratulations America, on Tuesday you put on the dress and killed again.

This was the biggest landslide since the '30s. The Republicans picked up 63 seats. I haven't seen the Republicans so happy about taking seats since they made Rosa Parks stand up.

Here's how huge their victory was. They actually elected two black people on the Republican side in Congress, and seven gay Republicans. Of course, you won't find out who they are until they get caught in a rest stop somewhere.

Did you see the new speaker of the House John Boeher cry? He cries a lot. Mr. BoehnerBoeher cry? He cries a lot. Mr. Boehner you've got to stop crying. For one, your tan is going to run. And what's he going to do if he loses next time? Put on a Bjork record and cut himself?

Just in time for the Republican sweep, George Bush has a new memoir that just came out. He was on the Today Show plugging it. He said his lowest moment of the whole presidency was when Kanye West said he didn't care about black people. Well, I got news for you. Black people don't care about you either. Mr. Bush.



*** Photo by babyymomma123 @ flickr


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