02 November 2010

Late Nite Jokes, Funny Videos, Post Midterm Predictions - 2 Nov 2010

Comics have fun lampooning the campaign process. Get Dennys Predictions for what happens next after the 2010 election.

From Denny: What an election day for this midterm! I saw a large turnout here in Louisiana at my voting precinct. Most of them were Democrats and Independents. At first I was heartened to see so many people out in force in an off year election. Then I looked at their faces and saw that expression. You know the one: It's the "throw the baby out with the bath water" expression. Everyone came out to vote. Most came out to vote against every Democrat just to teach the party a lesson that to ignore your base is at your own peril. Quit with the corporate politician attitude and start governing. Or better yet: "We lose our jobs so now you lose yours."

There is a terrible rage across the country aimed squarely at all the politicians, and the President, for allowing politics and the media firestorm to take the place of effective good government. Of course, there will be a price to pay for throwing out the good politicians with the bad ones.  I don't need Paul The Psychic Octopus to make my prediction. I can do it on my own.

Denny's Predictions:

* I predict the Republicans and the Tea Party will all be acting like complete talking head idiots on the news talk shows, the worst nonsensical talking buffoons, so much so that the media will laugh at them more than the comics have.  It will happen in less than three months time this new Congress will become the laughing stock of America.

* I predict the voters who were so angry to throw out all the incumbents, installing these fools in their places, will deeply regret what they put into office. They will be appalled at what idiots they put in office as their leaders. The voters  will start recalls on those Tea Party and Republican politicians to remove them from office.

* I predict that the remaining Democrats in office will turn away from this White House and President Obama, realizing they should have followed their principles and their gut instincts first and foremost - no longer compromising to agree with the Republicans who stiffed-armed them. Those Democrats will be a force with which to be reckoned.  From among them will arise some strong leaders.

* I predict President Obama is a now a one-term president and will be challenged in his Democratic primary for 2012. Democrats think he is weak,  have lost confidence in him, his ability to govern, his ability to get the vote out in large numbers. "President Obama did not watch our back so we won't watch his" is their motto.

* I predict those anonymous unchecked Big Money interests are already cutting negative campaign ads which they will run at a fast and furious pace, saturating the air waves, during the next two years to unseat Obama in the 2012 election.  The end result of this is that after Big Money runs down Obama's poll numbers to lower than whale poop on the bottom of the ocean, the Democrats will dump Obama like a hot potato, running another Democrat in his place to keep their hold on the White House.  Too bad Hillary no longer wants the presidency.  She would be ideal and bring out the women voters.  Hire Bill as her VP and even the Independents and some Republicans would vote for that winning ticket.  But, alas, Hillary is pretty well done with politics after this stint in the too political and vacillating Obama White House.

Steve Kelley

Funny Videos Featured over at Dennys Funny Quotes:

Funny Video: Jon Stewart - How Republicans Prepare to Take Back Power - Stewart supporters oppose Republican takeover of our government.

Funny Video: Jon Stewart Mocks Really Negative Campaign Ads - Lots of voter anger aimed at both political parties, especially from these negative campaign ads choking the air waves every election.

Steve Kelley

Moderately Confused

From Jay Leno:

NPR has fired Juan Williams after he said when he sees people in Muslim garb at the airport, he gets nervous. I get nervous when I see people in pilot uniforms hanging around the airport bar. Call me a bigot...

According to a new L.A. Times poll in the gubernatorial race here in California, Jerry Brown now leads Meg Whitman 52 percent to 39 percent. She spent $163 million of her own money and she's behind by 13 points. That's the biggest expenditure of money for a loss since the Yankees.

The man Dick Cheney shot in the face on that hunting trip like four years ago says that Cheney has never apologized. Hey pal, join the club. The rest of the country is way in front of you.

According to The New York Post, Eliot Spitzer's new show on CNN is having trouble booking guests. Well of course, they only pay scale. If you know anything about Eliot Spitzer’s past, he pays $5,000 an hour, usually.

Vice President Joe Biden told The New York Times that President Obama has asked him to run again in 2012. The bad news? Nobody is asking Obama yet.

Vice President Joe Biden said that the Democrats up for election aren't running on their accomplishments because they're too hard to explain. So basically he's saying either voters are to stupid to understand or the Democrats are too stupid to explain it. You know what's even harder to explain? Why the Democrats are letting Joe Biden talk with the election just a couple weeks away.

Joe Biden said today President Obama has asked him to run again with him in 2010. So I think I speak for all late-night hosts when I say, 'Thank you, Mr. President.

Federal investigators have stopped a man named Farooq Ahmed from a terrorist plot against the DC Metro system. You hear about this? Where he planned to bring Washington, DC to a stand still. Hey, you're a little late, okay? After two years of Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, John Boehner and Mitch McConnell, we're already there. All right? Mission accomplished.

Karl Rove said this week that Sarah Palin does not have the gravitas to be President of the United States. Sarah Palin is furious. She said as soon as she finds out what gravitas means she will respond, and harshly.

Election Day is less than a week away. It's a shame that either of these parties has to win.

It looks like California is on the verge of legalizing marijuana. You thought the haze over L.A. was bad before.

Sunday is Halloween -- it's the scariest day of the year. Unless you're a Democrat - then it's next Tuesday.

Election Day is next Tuesday. According to a new poll, one out of three voters is still undecided. It's a tough choice. Do you vote for the people who got us into this mess, or the people who can't get us out of this mess?

The President left a campaign event in Rhode Island yesterday saying he had to go home to 'walk the dog and scoop the poop.' That's not a job for the president. Where's Joe Biden?

Steve Kelley

For the first time in history, there are 100,000 home foreclosures in the month of September. 100,000 people were told this fall they were going to lose their house. 100,001 if you count Nancy Pelosi.

You know that anti-gay candidate Carl Paladino running for governor? He had this horrible anti-gay thing the other day. It turns out he owns two buildings that house gay night clubs. So I guess when it comes to making money, Mr. Anti-Gay's attitude is 'Don't ask, don't tell.'

California gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman has released a new TV ad in both Mandarin and Cantonese. This is part of her effort to reach out to the Asian community. That's how California works, where a white woman from back East, trying to replace an Austrian governor, runs an ad in Chinese to explain to people why she hired a Mexican maid.

The Nobel Prize for economics was awarded to three economists. Should we have even given one out this year? If there's one thing we've learned over the past two years, it's that there's no such thing as an expert in economics.

The Obama administration had lifted the six-month ban on deepwater drilling in the Gulf of Mexico, provided that the oil companies follow the new safety regulations. For example, there has to be at least one sober person on the rig at all times.

Chip Bok

From David Letterman:

The movie "Jackass 3D" just opened. It’s the life story of New York gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino.

An amazing thing. This morning I get up to let the dog out into the backyard. Guess what? President Obama is out there talking about the economy.

Isn't America great? Here's this guy Rick Sanchez. A guy you've never heard of. And now, he's gone.

So you probably heard the presidential seal fell off the podium during a recent Obama speech. Know what they found on the back? His birth certificate.

I feel bad for the Chilean miners. They were down there in the dark so long. I mean, my God, it's like the Tea Party.

At one point during the debate, Christine O'Donnell said, 'What I think is irrelevant.' I'll keep that in mind come Election Day.

The first debate was at podiums. The next debate will be at satanic altars.

The midterm elections are in a few weeks, and the Democrats are at a huge disadvantage, and I'll tell you why. They don't have a witch running.

People are saying that everything is Obama's fault – he hasn't dug us out of Bush's recession and two wars fast enough. That's the problem.

Paul, the psychic octopus from the World Cup, is dead. He was stomped to death at a Rand Paul rally.

Steve Sack

From Jimmy Kimmel:

The judges were raving about Bristol Palin on “Dancing With the Stars.” Her mother must have threatened to shoot someone.

Former President George W. Bush has a memoir coming out soon. Between this and Justin Bieber’s book, this could be the biggest year ever for literature.

Last night on 'Dancing With the Stars,' Bristol Palin came out dressed in a gorilla costume. They say this is the closest a member of the Palin family has ever come to acknowledging evolution.

How can you not know about the separation of church and state? Someone get this woman a copy of Schoolhouse Rock because this is ridiculous. Apparently they don’t teach the Constitution at Hogwarts. – on Christine O'Donnell's confusion over the First Amenment

Apparently the Octomom still has 29 frozen embryos, which is almost enough to give one to each Chilean miner. I think it’s time for President Obama to build a border fence around the Octomom’s uterus.

TLC just released a promo for Sarah Palin’s new reality show. Haven’t the last two years been her reality show?

Sarah Palin and Rush Limbaugh are President Obama's 10th cousins. Which means they are secret Muslims.

Former President George W. Bush has a memoir coming out soon. Between this and Justin Bieber’s book, this could be the biggest year ever for literature.

Moderately Confused

Robert Ariail

From Craig Ferguson:

There are strikes all over France because the government wants to raise the retirement age. The strikes are threatening the French way of life. Yesterday, an American had to walk all the way across Paris without getting insulted.

Did you watch the debate with Christine O'Donnell, you know, the anti-self pleasuring, witchy candidate in Delaware? She wasn't that good though. She's not really a master debater.'

Christine O'Donnell is trailing in the polls by 20 percent. She'll need a miracle to win. Or a very good spell.

The debate was moderated by Wolf Blitzer. It got very intense. At one point, O'Donnell turned him into an actual wolf.

'Twas the night before Election Day and all through the house, everyone was shouting crap at each other.

Republicans are saying, 'It's time for a change.' And Democrats are saying, 'Stay the course.' And Charlie Sheen is saying, 'Where are my pants?'

I don't know what Christine O'Donnell stands for, but I'm a late night talk show host, I need her.

There are strikes all over France because the government wants to raise the retirement age. The strikes are threatening the French way of life. Yesterday, an American had to walk all the way across Paris without getting insulted.

Gary Varvel

From Bill Maher:

Clarence Thomas's wife this week on Saturday morning calls up Anita Hill 19 years later to ask her to apologize. Drunk dial much? And she did the right thing. She apologize. She said I'm truly sorry you're married to Clarence Thomas.

Clarence Thomas's ex-girlfriend came forward to say Anita Hill was right, he is a pervert. He was obsessed with porn and big breasts. And that's just a taste of what's in store on the next episode of Real Housewives of the Supreme Court.

Juan Williams was fired by NPR. He told Bill O'Reilly that people in Muslim garb getting on airplanes make him nervous. And I was appalled: this is America, if we can't let a black man with a Latino name sh*t on Muslims to entertain a white guy, what do we have?

An amazing week for idiocy in America. Glenn Beck said that evolution is ridiculous because he's never seen a half-man, half-monkey. Christine O'Donnell did not know that the First Amendment was in the First Amendment. We are truly one nation indivisible on the short bus.

One of the other nuts Carl Paladino in New York state, they had a debate, I've never seen this in politics -- he left before the debate was over to go to the bathroom. This is the best ad for Flomax I've ever seen.

A very joyous week. A week where the whole world was watching a bunch of men trying to climb out of a hole they dug for themselves -- but enough about the Democrats. Lets talk about those Chilean miners.

Steve Kelley

Americans love Chilean miners. I haven't seen so much hoopla about an endless procession emerging from a scary hole since the Octomom.

One guy had four women waiting for him; there was the wife he never divorced, then there was the woman he lives with, then there was his current girlfriend and then the baby mama. He is now known as the Tiger Woods of mining." - Maher on one of the Chilean miners

They asked her to name a Supreme Court case that she disagreed with; she said Kramer vs. Kramer (the divorce movie). – Maher on the debate between Delaware Senate candidates Christine O'Donnell and Chris Coons

The Obama administration had quite a day today annihilating the people who might vote for them. They appealed the ruling striking down Don't Ask, Don't Tell, even though they are supposed to be for striking it down. And then they said even if California legalized pot, the feds would still come in and bust people. But in fairness to Obama, it is an election year and Democrats can't afford to be seen being for freedom or equality.

New Rule: Jerry Brown must stop apologizing for being in the same room when someone called Meg Whitman a whore. If you want to see a woman really get mad, compare a whore to Meg Whitman.

Oh, poor, Meg Whitman. She's losing badly. This week we found out that one of her sons was accused of date rape. And we also found out that Jan Brewer, the Governor of Arizona, one of her sons also in a mental hospital for rape. I don't want to judge these women by their children, but Christine O'Donnell's magic army of flying monkeys is looking pretty good.

Sarah Palin said this week she would run for President if no one else would do it. I swear to God. And even Karl Rove said he didn't think it was a good idea for Sarah Palin to run for President. He said, he didn't think she has the gravitas. And Sarah said, 'Oh, really. I don't even believe in the theory of gravitas'

Gary Varvel

From Seth Meyers:

Fox News, on Thursday, hired news analyst Juan Williams just one day after National Public Radio fired him for making disparaging comments about Muslims. Marking the first time someone has been fired and hired for the same comment.

Following Williams' firing, several leading Republicans including Newt Gingrich, Mike Huckabee, and Sarah Palin, accused NPR of censorship and called for Congress to cut off federal funding for NPR. So in case you were wondering how much Republicans hate NPR, they're siding with a black guy named Juan.

During a debate on Meet the Press, Colorado Republican Senate candidate Ken Buck said that he believes being gay is a choice. Interesting position, Ken Buck. Did your name choose to be gay?

It was reported this week that New York gubernatorial candidate Jimmy McMillan of the Rent Is Too Damn High Party has not had to pay rent on his $800 a month Brooklyn apartment since the '80s. Confronted with this fact, McMillan changed the name of his party to the Water Pressure Is Too Damn Low Party.

Delaware Republican senate candidate Christine O'Donnell blamed her campaign's recent troubles on unfair coverage in the "liberal media." Yup, the liberal media used two of its favorite tricks on her: 'Record' and 'Play.'

In Washington, President Obama's recent speech to a women’s conference was interrupted when his presidential seal on the podium fell off - two years early.

In an interview on 'Entertainment Tonight' this week, Mary Hart was told by Sarah Palin she may run in 2012 if there was no one to do it. That's not how you run for President. That's how you offer to babysit.

While campaigning in Florida this past weekend, Palin also plugged her upcoming reality show Sarah Palin's 'Alaska.' If you haven't seen it, the entire show takes place in Palin's rear view mirror.

Signe Wilkinson

From Jimmy Fallon:

Joe Biden told the New York Times that President Obama has already asked him to be his running mate in 2012. Not only that, he said Sarah Palin, Mitt Romey and the rest of the Republicans also asked him to be Obama's running mate in 2012.

New York gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino's Facebook page was hacked and someone wrote offensive remarks in the captions of his pictures. The remarks were so crazy and offensive that Paladino was like, 'Are you sure I didn’t write these?'

According to news reports, Christine O'Donnell's father used to play Bozo the Clown. It must be weird when your father is a grown man dressing up like a clown, and you're the embarrassment in the family.

Soon Californians will vote on whether to legalize marijuana. Which means that three weeks and one day from now thousands of stoners will say, "Oh crap, that was yesterday?

The final poll before Election Day shows that 55 percent of Americans plan to vote for Republicans, while 40 percent plan to vote for Democrats. I guess Obama is finally going to get that change he was talking about.

It seems most experts are predicting that Republicans will win back the House tomorrow. When Americans heard that they were like, 'Wait, we can win back our houses?'

President Obama sent out an e-mail encouraging his supporters to take at least three friends with them to vote. That's not how people vote — that's how women go to the bathroom.

California will vote on legalizing marijuana on Tuesday. So thousands of stoners will be at the polls saying, "Dude, just pass it ... and now let's go in and vote on Prop 19.

Washington D.C. was under a tornado watch. It was pretty crazy, especially when the White House landed on Christine O'Donnell.

Hillary Clinton turned 63 years old yesterday. Bill put rose petals on the bed in a nice hotel and then called Hillary and wished her happy birthday.

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie has canceled a train tunnel between New York and New Jersey. As a result, New Yorkers will have to get to New Jersey the same as they always have — by accident.

Hillary Clinton turned 63 years old yesterday. Bill put rose petals on the bed in a nice hotel and then called Hillary and wished her happy birthday.

I can hardly wait. In less than a week I'll be dressed up in a costume, eating candy. I always get so excited during midterm elections.

New York gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino's Facebook page was hacked and someone wrote offensive remarks in the captions of his pictures. The remarks were so crazy and offensive that Paladino was like, 'Are you sure I didn’t write these?'

Drew Sheneman

Moderately Confused

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