01 October 2010

Friday Lite: Roundup of Late Night Jokes and Videos - 1 Oct 2010

Check out the latest late night jokes, cartoons and hilarious video clips from Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart.

From Denny: There are so many funny video clips from the past two weeks that I still didn't get them all posted! I guess the "spill over" will get parked over at Dennys Funny Quotes where I enjoy dishing out irreverent commentary and grins.

What's notable this past week is how comedians Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert played with the idea of rallies - just in jest. These guys have unknowingly tapped into huge voter frustration. Their original fun of mocking is taking on serious overtones and now these comedians realize they will have to deliver and actually create the real thing. Huffington Post's Arianna Huffington has called Stewart's bluff and stands ready to participate. She sure shocked him and Stewart was speechless.  The man had absolutely no comeback. This will prove to be an interesting Halloween season! :)

Featured Videos:

Funny Video: March to Keep Fear Alive Media Coverage

Funny Video: Colbert Proposes Christine O'Donnell Witch Test

Funny Video: Stewart Says Tea Party Won The Battle For The Soul Of The GOP

Funny Video: Jon Stewart Discusses Rally to Restore Sanity Advice From Larry Wilmore

Funny Video: Stewart Finds Obama Kryptonite

Funny Video: Colbert Ponders Tea Party Christines Next Crazy Outburst

Funny Video: Stewart Questions Character of Congress

Funny Video: Jon Stwart Lampoons Republican New Pledge As Tired Old Pledge

Funny Video: Colbert Announces Keep Fear Alive March

Funny Video: Jon Stwart Announces Restore to Sanity Rally

Chip Bok

From Jay Leno:

President Obama has been meeting with voters in what he calls 'backyard chats.' He's held these in real people's backyards. You know something, I think all politicians should talk to people in their backyards. Then you could take what they say and spread it on the lawn.

Republican Senator Tom Coburn said yesterday that Christine O'Donnell, if elected, will be able to combat the stupidity in Washington. So I guess they're going to fight fire with fire.

The wife of Republican New York gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino said she accepts that her husband had an affair, that he has a mistress, and the mistress had his baby. He actually convinced her this is no big deal. Guys, let me tell you this, don't try this at home. This guy is a lawyer, a real estate developer, and a politician. That is the trifecta of professional liars.

It's getting very nasty in Louisiana in the Senate race down there. The Democrat that's running has a two-minute TV ad about Republican Sen. David Vitter, which features the hooker that Vitter paid $300 to. It's a two-minute ad. And here's the embarrassing part for Vitter: the ad lasted a minute longer than he did.

South Dakota Senator John Thune says he's talked to his wife about running for president in 2012. And of course his wife had the same question that we all have: 'Who are you again?'

Funny Video: Jon Stewart Discusses Rally to Restore Sanity Advice From Larry Wilmore

Yesterday President Obama told voters that he's a Christian. But you see how Fox News reported it? They said Obama admits he's a follower of the bearded radical from the Middle East.

President Obama said today that education is the key to our economic turnaround. He said once Americans start getting smarter, the economy will start to improve. So you know what that means: we are screwed.

President Obama said today that change is hard. You think it's hard now? Wait until the House changes in November.

Vice President Joe Biden lashed out at fellow Democrats. He said that those Democrats that didn't get what they wanted should just 'buck up.' Of course, Joe Biden has 'bucked up' a number of times.

The United Nations is appointing an official space alien greeter to meet and greet any aliens that may visit Earth in the future. Well, how does this make Mexican people coming to America feel?

While in New York City, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad met with Louis Farrakhan. I'm not sure where they met, but I think we can rule out the Carnegie Deli.

At the UN, President Obama called on other countries to help us track down and eliminate radicals and extremists. But they told Obama, 'Hey, the tea party is your problem, buddy.'

These Tea Party groups are very conservative. In fact, 58 percent of Tea Party members now believe Joe Biden is a Muslim.

President Obama said he plans on training 10,000 new math and science teachers. How about teaching math to that economic team of his?

President Obama's approval rating dropped again. Things are so bad, Muslims are accusing him of being Christian.

Larry Summers, President Obama's top economic adviser, is stepping down. So finally some good economic news, I'll tell ya, Summers didn't want to leave, but apparently he was out of bad ideas.

Actually, Summers is actually the third Obama economic adviser to leave the White House since July. In face, the only jobs opening up these days are for White House economic advisers.

As you know, Tea Party candidate Christine O'Donnell has come out against masturbation. Well, she is already paying a heavy price for taking this stance. In fact, today, the powerful hand lotion lobby has endorsed her opponent.

I saw that new movie 'Devil' or as Delaware Tea Party candidate Christine O'Donnell calls it: 'Roots.'

There's a clip going around of this Christine O'Donnell discussing how she once dabbled in witchcraft. Have you heard about this? Although she says she never joined a coven. Never joined a coven? Hey, what do you think Congress is?

Well, you know what's interesting, O'Donnell said she dabbled in witchcraft, and her opponent, Democratic candidate Chris Coons, he had no comment. He wanted to comment, but he lost his voice, went blind and came down with boils.

Funny Video: Colbert Ponders Tea Party Christines Next Crazy Outburst

This Christine O'Donnell is a very conservative woman. Not only is she against premarital sex, she is against masturbation. She even wants to outlaw beef jerky.

The National Bureau of Economic Research announced the recession actually ended in 2009. What idiots we were! So that recession you think you're in, that's as imaginary as the job you used to have.

What they don't tell you, the next recession started in July of last year.

You know this Tea Party candidate, Christine O'Donnell is causing a lot of controversy with her kind of unorthodox views. She's come out against masturbation. You know what that means? She's out of touch with those voters who are in touch with themselves.

More problems for candidate O'Donnell. It seems she canceled all her Sunday talk show appearances after a video surfaced of her on Bill Maher's TV show where she admitted she once dabbled in witchcraft. So, apparently, she is pro-dabbling, but anti-diddling.

Funny Video: Stewart Says Tea Party Won The Battle For The Soul Of The GOP

Let me tell you something, Sarah Palin better be careful. Because this Christine O'Donnell is younger, hotter, and crazier. That's the things guys are looking for in a trophy candidate. So, be very careful.

Folks, it seems that Al Qaeda's number two man has released yet another tape where he criticizes the entire Pakistan government, calls them incompetent and corrupt, and demands they be thrown out of office. So, it sounds like we have a Tea Party over there, too.

When the Pope met the Queen of England, they both said the same thing to each other: 'Nice hat.'

Jerry Holbert

From David Letterman:

The good news is that scientists have found a giant Earth-like planet, and it may support human life. Whatever you do, don't tell British Petroleum.

BP announced earlier today that they have created a new Safety Division for offshore drilling. In related news, General Custer has just hired a lookout.

Rahm Emanuel is leaving the Obama administration. He wants to become mayor of Chicago. If you're mayor of Chicago, that means you report directly to Oprah.

David Letterman's "Top Ten Ways Barack Obama Can Boost His Popularity With Younger Voters"

10. Refer to himself as the Chillaxer-in-Chief
9. Limit speeches to 140 characters or less
8. Broadcast all Oval Office addresses in 3D
7. Replace Rahm Emanuel with a hunky, brooding vampire
6. Trade in Air Force One for rocket-powered Obama-cycle
5. Answer tough questions with "Whatevs"
4. Change name to Bajustin Obieber
3. Refer to his abdominal muscles as "The Administration"
2. Check into rehab, go to prison, check back into rehab, go back to prison, check back into rehab
1. Join Team Coco

Rahm Emanuel is leaving the White House. Is he really quitting or just pulling a Leno?

President Obama has written a children's book. Why not? He's got nothing else on his plate.

Obama's book is called 'The One-Term Engine That Could.'

Bob Woodward has written a book which states that the White House agonized over the decision to leave Iraq. Too bad no one agonized over the decision to go into Iraq.

In the book, they talk about bitter arguments, personality conflicts, and power struggles. And that's just with Obama's mother-in-law.

Sarah Palin was considering running for president, until she heard it was a four-year deal.

Earlier today, President Obama was speaking at the UN and no one could tell if it was a calm measured address or an angry tirade.

President Obama discussed international relations, global economy, and also admitted that he dabbled in witchcraft.

You know Delaware is running a witch, her name is Christine O'Donnell, and she wants to be the Senator from Delaware and today she promised if she's elected she'll cast a spell on health care.

Boy, you got to like the Republicans. First they claim that Obama is not an American. 'Where is the birth certificate?' They claim he's not an American, that's the Republicans. Then they run a witch.

The Republicans announced their Pledge to America, and here's what it is: Less taxes, smaller government and act now and they'll throw in the Dean Martin roast of Frank Sinatra.

Funny Video: Stewart Finds Obama Kryptonite

David Letterman's "Top Ten Secrets Revealed In The New Bob Woodward Book"

10. Thoughtfully-written foreword by Osama Bin Laden.
9. In White House cafeteria, Wednesday is Taco Night.
8. Work comes to a halt during "Jersey Shore."
7. Joe Biden can fit 11 golf balls in his mouth.
6. Includes 20 pages of Woodward's favorite pit barbecue recipes.
5. Obama keeps staffers in line by constantly threatening to call Mavrikakis.
4. The CIA knew the Joaquin Phoenix thing was fake.
3. White House is haunted by the ghost of Dick Cheney.
2. Administration considered combining Iraq and Afghanistan into one big unmanageable country called "Iraqnifstan."
1. America loves dancing alpacas

Here's how you can tell it's autumn, Christine O'Donnell, the witch from Delaware, today she used her caldron to make chowder.

In Delaware, they have a professional witch running for Senate, and she said at one time that she actually had a date on a satanic altar. Whoa! I mean, seriously, who hasn't? ... The date actually took place at Motel 666.

The premiere of 'Hawaii Five-0' was a great episode. The cops were looking around and they accidentally stumbled upon Obama’s birth certificate.

According to experts, the recession is over. Is it really over or is it just pulling a Leno?

Vice President Joe Biden says in fact the stimulus is working, and he also says his hair plugs are working.

David Letterman's "Top Ten Things Overheard This Week At The United Nations"

10." Hey Khaddafy, help me out here. do you spell your name with a 'K,' a 'G,' or a 'Q'?"
9. "Knock off the fist pumping."
8. "Wrap it up, Chavez, we have tickets to see 'Billy Elliot'."
7. "Remember the year Don Rickles dropped his pants and fired a rocket?"
6. "We must join together to answer the question the entire world is asking... what is The Event?"
5. "I really only came to New York for Late Show's dancing animals week."
4. "Hummus! Who needs hummus?"
3. "Jeez, they gave Jim Belushi another show?"
2. "No President Bush, this is not Epcot."
1. "Forget the world, how about fixing the Mets?"

The state of Delaware has nominated and they're going to probably elect a witch as Senator from Delaware. Listen to this. One day Delaware elects a witch. The next day the recession is over. I don't know. Is that a coincidence?

This is going to be exciting. We haven't had a witch in Washington since, oh, Condoleezza Rice, I think.

Economic experts say the recession is over. Earlier today, they were popping champagne at the unemployment office.

Sarah Palin's daughter, Bristol Palin is on 'Dancing With The Stars.' And I'm telling you something, you can't get any bigger star than the daughter of a vice presidential loser. That's as good as it gets there.

The Republican candidate from Delaware, Christine O'Donnell, it turns out she's a practicing witch. And if she wins, and goes to the Senate, she'll be the first practicing witch in Washington since First Lady Barbara Bush.

I shouldn't say that. Barbara Bush, of course, was a lovely woman, and also the Quaker Oats guy.

Christine O'Donnell says that she once had a date on a satanic altar? Well, who hasn't?

Christine O'Donnell looks a lot like Sarah Palin, and you know what that means, more work for comic Tina Fey.

Iranian President Ahmadinejad is in New York. You know he hates Jews and gay people. Boy, is he in the wrong place.

Jerry Holbert

From Craig Ferguson:

Christine O'Donnell was caught lying about her educational background. She may not believe in pleasuring herself, but she thought her resume needed massaging.

Until last week it said on her online profile that she attended Oxford University, which of course one of the most prestigious colleges on earth. Stephen Hawking teaches at Oxford, Rhodes scholars go there … She didn't go to Oxford, which is a shame, because Oxford's rugby team is called the Fighting Masturbators. That's their nickname because they always choke.

Christine O'Donnell didn't go to Oxford. It turns out she took a class from something called the Phoenix Institute, which happened to be renting a classroom at Oxford. That’s like saying you're a TV star, but really you're just on CBS during the middle of the damn night.

I understand why Christine would want people to think she went to Oxford. Oxford has produced some legendary politicians. Margaret Thatcher, Tony Blair, Bill Clinton went to Oxford. I'm sure Bill would remember Christine if he saw her at Oxford. 'Hey baby, I hear you're a witch. You want to ride my broomstick? Because if you don't, I'll do it myself, and that would be wrong.'

We shouldn't judge candidates on what they stood for 25 years ago. It's what they stand for today. Because if you look at Christine O'Donnell now, past the media hubbub and what she's actually saying, you'll see she's f*cking insane. But look, I work in late-night television, and frankly we kind of need one of those every now and again. It helps, is what I'm saying. Look, give me one out of 100. Give me one!

Christine O'Donnell doesn't believe in evolution. She asked why monkeys aren't still evolving into humans. I was like, 'It doesn't happen that fast.'

There's a new opera about Bill Clinton. I don't know how it ends, but I bet it isn't with the fat lady singing.

Sarah Palin tweeted a warning to Christine O'Donnell that the national media is seeking her destruction. That is ridiculous. If the media wanted to destroy her, they would just douse her with water.

I like Christine O'Donnell. She's good-looking and she's hilarious. I haven't had this much fun since Cheney was in office.

O'Donnell said that Hollywood needs to re-evaluate what they're doing because movies these days are all filled with gay sex and extramarital affairs. I thought, 'Have fun in Congress then.'

Jerry Holbert

From Bill Maher:

The Republicans released their 'Pledge to America.' It's 21 pages of phony charts and bad ideas. Sarah Palin got a copy, and she said, 'How am I supposed to fit all this crap on my hand?'

Funny Video: Jon Stwart Lampoons Republican New Pledge As Tired Old Pledge

The Democrats, these pussies, are unbelievable. They are giving up on their tax cut for the middle class until after the election. They have the worst salesmen in the world. They could not talk Lindsay Lohan into a rum and coke.

It was a very good week for getting absolutely nothing done in Congress. They blocked, the Republicans did, the repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. We thought this was going to be a done deal. I don’t know what their problem is with Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. Even if it is repealed, there will still be a major American institution where gays are still forced to hide in shame and secrecy: The Republican party.

Funny Video: Stewart Questions Character of Congress

They're giving up on their tax cuts for the middle class until after the election. … Have they seen the polls? Planning to do this after the election. This is like a condemned man asking for a doggie bag at the last meal.

Gary Varvel

From Jimmy Fallon:

Goldman Sachs has a new ad to show what the company does. Isn't that what the recession was for?

A new poll found that 41 percent of Americans don't know who the Vice President is. In reponse, Joe Biden was like, "All right, at least give me a hint.

In an interview on MSNBC, Levi Johnston said he has no idea if additional troops will help the war in Afghanistan. Which of course begs the question, who the hell is asking Levi Johnston about strategy for Afghanistan.

Traffic here in New York was backed up today because of the U.N. General Assembly's annual meeting. You could hardly get anywhere or do anything. It was almost like being in the U.N.

President Obama has listed the songs on his iPod. The Tea Partiers are checking to see if 'Born in the USA' is on the list.

During a trip next month, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says he's planning to throw a rock at Israel. And today, Israel introduced its newest defense weapon: paper.

After a lot of speculation, the Chinese government has decided not to change its one-child policy next year. In a related story, China just renewed its most popular show, 'Jon & Kate Plus One and That's It.'

In a new interview with Rolling Stone magazine, President Obama said he has Stevie Wonder, Bob Dylan, and the Rolling Stones on his iPod. Unfortunately, the question was 'Do you have a plan to fix the economy?'

On the 'Today' show, President Obama said he supports having a longer school year. In response, Sasha and Malia announced they support Sarah Palin."

House Minority Leader John Boehner says he has never been in a tanning bed and that he gets his dark complexion from his mother. Either he's lying or Snooki's a lot older than she's telling us.

Bristol Palin made her debut on the show and after a lot of speculation, Sarah Palin was not there to see it in person. However, she could see it from her house.

Yesterday, President Obama's aide had to step in and pay more money after Obama only gave a fruit vendor a dollar for four apples. The aide said it was awkward having to pay Obama's bill. Then China was like, 'Eh, you get used to it.'

Delaware Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell is taking criticism because she once said she dabbled in witchcraft. Yeah, everyone is talking about this. O'Donnell was like, 'If one more person claims I'm a witch, I will take legal action against them and their little dog, too!'

Bristol Palin has denied rumors that she's dating The Situation from 'Jersey Shore.' If The Situation becomes Sarah Palin's son-in-law, he'd still have the most normal name of any boy in the family.

Last night on Fox News, Sarah Palin said she would run for President, if nobody else steps up. Which explains why today, nearly every person in the country announced they were running for President.

Funny Video: Jon Stwart Announces Restore to Sanity Rally

Vice President Biden held a conference call with senior citizens to talk about health care. Seniors started the conference call confused about how health care works, and ended up more confused about how conference calls work. They're like, 'Wait, can you hear me? Saul you're talking to the VCR.'

Everybody is talking about Bob Woodward's new book, 'Obama's War.' In the book, he says Joe Biden called Middle East advisor Richard Holbrooke, 'the most egotistical bastard I've ever met.' Then Rahm Emanuel's like, 'What am I, invisible?'

Flight Deck

From Stephen Colbert:

Nation, I have been a diehard supporter of Delaware Republican Senate Christine O'Donnell ever since I learned of her existence last week. She is a dynamic, conservative Christian who believes masturbation is adultery. And fellas she's single and will condemn you for masturbating. The total package.

O'Donnell's past could come back to haunt her. Now luckily I have a way to stop this witch hunt. Miss O'Donnell just come on my show and do a simple test. Bind your arms and legs and throw you in the river. If you sink to the bottom and drown, your bloated corpse can march to victory with a clean record. But if you float ...

Funny Video: Colbert Proposes Christine O'Donnell Witch Test

Jon wants to harness the public's frustration. I want to bombard the public's frustration with gamma rays until it turns on its master with a lust for blood." -Stephen Colbert on the "March to Keep Fear Alive"

Funny Video: Colbert Announces Keep Fear Alive March

Funny Video: March to Keep Fear Alive Media Coverage - Stephen's greatest fear is that he's not getting enough media attention for his March to Keep Fear Alive.

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