11 October 2010

Monday Lite: Roundup of Late Night Jokes and Videos - 11 Oct 2010

Check out the late night comics and cartoonists as they dissect American culture and politics: ruthlessly.




From Denny: Can the political season get any weirder than this one? It sure fits with the Halloween season. I mean, when have we ever had an actual witch from a bizarrely named political party, the Tea Party, running for the Senate? How low can you go? Well, we already have a troop of liars in Congress pitting themselves against the middle class and working class of this country, sending jobs overseas. That's pretty bad.





Make sure you get out and vote Democrat, even if you have to hold your nose against what smells because the Republican and Tea Party candidates are actually far worse. The Republicans and Tea Party are actively pursuing abolishing the minimum wage. Just when you thought wages couldn't get any lower, the Republicans are working on reducing that too. They want to abolish your health care and Social Security. If they can't get Social Security reduced or abolished they want to give those billions of dollars over to Wall Street to "invest" into their back pockets.

Stand up and vote this November! Stop the madness. The good politicians, who are not corporate politicians, need our help as they are overwhelmed with crooks. Throw the bums out this election season. Make your voice heard. And remember, you don't have "bitching rights" if you don't vote. Guess you can tell this Democrat votes in every off-year election, every primary, every time local or federal government throws out the voting booths. This girl has "bitching rights."



Funny Videos featured:

Funny Video: Colbert Looks At Tea Party Coloring Books For Kids

Funny Video: Jon Stewart Comments On CNN Firing Bigot Rick Sanchez

Funny Video: Jon Stewart Scorches Big Banks 4 Accidental Foreclosures

Funny Video: Jon Stewart Reveals Rednecks Living in Delaware

Funny Video: Jon Stewart Reveals Rally to Restore Sanity Location

Funny Video: Colbert Fuses Halloween Holiday With March To Keep Fear Alive



Chip Bok







From David Letterman:


Christine O'Donnell has a new commercial where she says, 'I'm not a witch.' Isn't that exactly what a witch would say?

Donald Trump is running for president. He's already got a short list of running mates. He's thinking about Cyndi Lauper, Hulk Hogan, Melissa Rivers, Sharon Osbourne . . . He's ready to go.

Trump refers to the White House as a '200-year-old tear-down.'

 David Letterman's "Top Ten Signs There's Trouble at Fox News"

10. Accidentally said something positive about a Democrat
9. News ticker reads 'Bosses crazy, send help'
8. Today's top story: Is there anything more delicious than bacon?
7. Been criticizing Obama for not doing enough to prevent World War I
6. Bill O'Reilly inviting guests to enter the 'No Pants Zone'
5. Crime stories eerily similar to plot of most recent 'Hawaii Five-O'
4. Spent five hours today breaking down the Mets playoff chances
3. Thinking about hiring Rick Sanchez
2. Since June, Glenn Beck has been doing this nonstop (Beck barking)
1. They're thinking of giving the 10:00 p.m. slot to Leno


Osama bin Laden keeps releasing audio tapes to show that he's still relevant. Really? Audio tapes? How about an iPod download?

They say Osama bin Laden is struggling to stay relevant. Welcome to the club. In his latest audio tape, bin Laden is talking about global warming. If he thinks it's hot now, wait until he gets to hell.

The Senate has decided to limit the volume of TV commercials. Who says Congress doesn't get anything done?


Funny Video: Colbert Looks At Tea Party Coloring Books For Kids

Funny Video: Colbert Fuses Halloween Holiday With March To Keep Fear Alive



David Letterman's "Top Ten Rick Sanchez Excuses"

10. "It's the damn bedbugs"
9. "Didn't think it was possible to get fired from a network no one watches"
8. "Just trying to get some publicity for my Twitter"
7. "Excuses for what?"
6. "Always wanted to go back to doing weather in Zanesville, Ohio"
5. "How come when Jackie Mason says the same thing, it's hilarious?"
4. "Trying to impress Mel Gibson"
3. "Wanted time off to watch Bruce Willis on Letterman"
2. "Accidentally took a handful of Larry King's heart pills"
1. "Hate-filled rant was an audition for Fox News"


Donald Trump is running for president. He's not the kind of guy that would stage something like this for publicity. I know it's official because today, Trump threw his hair into the ring.



Gary Varvel




From Jay Leno:


There are rumors of an Obama-Hillary ticket for 2012, though some insiders say Obama doesn't feel he needs Hillary on the ticket. At this point, I don't think Hillary feels that she needs Obama on the ticket.

Donald Trump may run for president. Wouldn't that be exciting? We haven't had a president who wore a powdered wig since John Quincy Adams.

Former vice president and presidential candidate Walter Mondale criticized President Obama for using teleprompters. He called them 'idiot boards.' Of course, Democrats were stunned. They said, 'Walter Mondale is still alive?'


Funny Video: Jon Stewart Reveals Rednecks Living in Delaware

Funny Video: Jon Stewart Reveals Rally to Restore Sanity Location



Christine O'Donnell has a new ad in which she tells voters, 'I'm you, I'm just like you.' Of course, a lot of people are going, 'Really, you're me? Well, I don't belong in the U.S. Senate either. I want somebody smarter than me, and that's not you!

The latest Gallup poll gives congressional Republicans the best poll numbers they've ever had. They say this could be the biggest Republican year since 1894. So for the second time, John McCain could be swept to victory.

Christine O'Donnell has a new campaign ad where she says she's not a witch. Nancy Pelosi was furious. She said, 'Hey, that's my slogan.'

Donald Trump may run president. Is that a good idea? Haven't enough Americans already been told, 'You're fired'?

Well, at least there would be someone in politics with worse hair than Joe Biden.

The State Department has issued a travel warning. They've warned Rick Sanchez not to travel to Israel.

Rick Sanchez was fired after saying that Jews control the media on a satellite radio show. Had he said it on his show on CNN, he wouldn't have been fired because no one would have heard it.

We're now in the longest, deepest recession since the Great Depression. When this recession started, Lindsay Lohan was known for her acting.

President Obama says the Democrats are waking up. Which is great when you're having a nightmare.

President Obama had said if the stimulus bill passed, companies like Caterpillar would hire a lot of Americans. Caterpillar has announced that they are hiring hundreds of workers, in China. And if you call the White House to complain, you get the hotline in India.

There was a very emotional send-off for Rahm Emanuel at the White House on Friday morning. Rahm Emanuel cried because he's leaving the White House, and President Obama cried because he's still there.

Meg Whitman's campaign for governor of California is in trouble after it was disclosed that she had an undocumented alien working in her home for 9 years. The maid is now being represented by Gloria Allred. How about we let the maid stay and deport Gloria Allred?

It's now being alleged that Lou Dobbs had illegal immigrants working for him. The good news, he's now qualified to run for governor of California.

President Obama has moved a 12-day tour of India and Asia to right after the November election. I can't imagine why he would want to leave the country right after the midterm election.

Obama is going to tour India and Asia. I guess he wants to check up on American jobs.

Jerry Brown has apologized to Meg Whitman after a campaign aide called her a whore. Let me tell you, that is totally out of line. Politicians don't become whores until after they're elected.


Speed Bump



From Bill Maher:


Today we found out that a third college that Christine O'Donnell said she attended has no record of ever knowing her. I'm starting to wonder if she ever really went to Hogwarts.

I feel bad for my part in this, and then the feeling passes when I imagine her in the Senate introducing the masturbation prevention act of 2012.

Meg Whitman, our own candidate for governor of California, is running on a platform that's as tough as nails on illegal immigration. We found out this week she had an illegal immigrant working in her house for nine years. Today Meg Whitman said she's willing to take a lie detector test to prove that she didn't know that she had an illegal alien cleaning her house. You know what, if we wanted a governor who swears they have no idea what's happening in their house, we'd move to Alaska.

That is not the only election shocker to come out of this state. Jerry Brown checked his personal records and found out he died in 1991. That's a hell of a choice we have.

Obama has been now finally getting on the campaign trail trying to help [Democrats]. Their big plan is a series of what they call backyard visits where the President speaks to people in their backyards in Middle America. Because nothing calms the fears of Middle Americans like having a black man suddenly appear in your backyard.


Funny Video: Jon Stewart Scorches Big Banks 4 Accidental Foreclosures



Rahm Emanuel, the chief of staff, is quitting. He said he loves it in Washington, he just wanted to spend more time with his "F"ing family.

The United States had to apologize today because in the 1940s, our government conducted experiments where scientists injected mentally ill Guatemalan prisoners with syphilis and gonorrhea. And Hillary Clinton was the one to make the apology. It was heartfelt. She said, 'I know what it's like to go to bed worrying that someone you love has an STD.

Rich Sanchez of CNN got in trouble. Yesterday he said the networks were run by Jews. And today, Rick Sanchez was fired - as Meg Whitman's housekeeper.


Funny Video: Jon Stewart Comments On CNN Firing Bigot Rick Sanchez


Remember Lou Dobbs on CNN, who was always railing against illegal immigrants and the people who hire them. It turns out Lou Dobbs hires illegal immigrants. I was shocked. Lou Dobbs is married to Meg Whitman?

What is it with conservatives? Seriously, I'm not trying to be partisan but it seems like if they're anti-illegal alien, they have illegal aliens working for them. If they're anti-gay, they turn out to be gay. If they're super Christian, they're a witch.

Christine O'Donnell finally came out of hiding and put out an end this week. The first words of the ad are 'I am not a witch.' This is the first time a candidate had to deny being a witch in a campaign since, I got to go back to the Massachusetts primary of 1692.

Political experts say the one thing you're not supposed to do as a politician is say you're not something. Remember, Nixon 'I am not a crook.' Bill Clinton 'I did not have sex with that woman.' Carly Fiorina has an ad out here. She said, 'I am not that butch gym teacher from 'Glee.'

Christine O'Donnell is blaming the liberal media, but you know what, Christine, I just showed clips of you opening your mouth and crazy s**t coming out. If you want to blame someone, honey, look at your reflection in your cauldron.

Christine O'Donnell is behind, but I don't think it's the witch stuff. I think it's because of her anti-masturbation stance. She's very serious about that, and you know people in Delaware are going, 'Come on, I live in Delaware, what else am I suppose to do?'

Here in California we also have a bit of a scandal. Jerry Brown was leaving a message on somebody's phone line and he thought he hung up, but he didn't. And then you can hear somebody say, 'Meg Whitman is a whore.' You know, some candidates have trouble with the Internet, Facebook, or Twitter. Jerry is still getting the hang of the phone.

Sharron Angle, every week this woman gets crazier. Now she says that Sharia Law – you know, strict Islamic law like they have in Saudi Arabia – is taking hold in American cities in Michigan and Texas. Even Glenn Beck says, 'Where does she get this s*it?

Todd Palin – have you heard this story? In Alaska, Joe Miller – he's the teabagger nut who's running for the Senate there – they got into a big brouhaha because apparently Sarah Palin put this guy on the map, and then Joe Miller was asked if Sarah Palin could be president, and he said, 'I don't know.' So then Todd Palin, all pissed off, wrote him a bunch of emails full of grammatical errors and spelling errors. Don't "F" with Todd Palin. He will make you an offer he can't pronounce. You mess with Todd Palin, you could wake up with a horse's ass in your bed, like he does everyday.



Drew Sheneman




From Craig Ferguson:

Christine O'Donnell is the Senate candidate from Delaware who's against masturbation and has dabbled in witchcraft. She's fighting back against the charges she's a witch with a new ad in which she says, 'I'm not a witch...I'm you.' I don't think this is a good strategy because I'm crazy. I would never vote for me. Besides, it doesn't make any sense. If she's me then she masturbates constantly. And if she's me then that means she can turn herself into other people, which means she's a witch. Quick, to the dunking tank!

There’s going to be a big debate next week between the Senate candidates there. This is the first debate for the anti-masturbation witch candidate Christine O’Donnell. She must be very nervous. If there was only some way to release all that tension.

At a rally in Wisconsin, Joe Biden told the crowd they were the dullest audience he'd ever seen. You don't do that. Just give them some candy.

They gave out the Nobel Prize for Literature, which is very exciting. It guarantees monster sales. Sorry, I'm thinking about Oprah, the Nobel Prize doesn't mean anything.




Gary Varvel




From Jimmy Fallon:


President Obama wants community colleges to produce an additional 5 million graduates by 2020. People in community college were like, 'Whoa, you want us to finish in only 10 years? Stop with the pressure.'

Christine O'Donnell released a commercial in which she says, 'I'm not a witch.' That's pretty good, though not as effective as her opponent's slogan, 'I'm not Christine O'Donnell.'

Cesar Millan, the Dog Whisperer, is criticizing President Obama for not properly training his dog, Bo. Apparently, Bo still doesn't respond to simple commands such as 'sit,' 'stay,' and 'fix the economy.'

EA Sports released a new version of the video game 'NBA Jam' that features Obama, Biden, Bush, and Cheney. Bush and Cheney play the first half, then Obama and Biden try to come back from a 6 billion point deficit.

A Senate has passed a new bill that requires TV stations to lower the volume level on commercials. This is great, a hundred of the most powerful people in the nation have managed to do the same thing my remote does.

Lady Gaga was ahead of House Speaker Nancy Pelosi on Forbes' list of the most powerful women in the world. I'm not saying Pelosi's jealous, but today she showed up to work wearing a meat pantsuit.

Carl Paladino's pit bull, Duke, bit another dog during a campaign stop this week. People who were there said he was growling, foaming at the mouth, and completely out of control. And so was his pit bull.

The White House has issued an alert for American tourists traveling in Europe over fears of a terror attack. But the joke's on you, terrorists. We can't afford to go to Europe.

President Obama has decided not to sign a bill that would make it difficult for homeowners to fight foreclosure. Why is Obama all of a sudden so sensitive about people being kicked out of their house. Oh, yeah, right.



Nick Anderson




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